The Office (UK) s03e02 Episode Script
Christmas special (Part 2)
Yep.
What we're doing at the moment is just No! .
.
sorting the ladies that the agency have sent me into ''yes'' and ''no'' piles.
These are the matches they've come up with.
Quite a lot of choice, which is good.
I get three free introductions for the money I've already paid.
I've already chosen one.
I'm taking her to lunch today.
I'll choose two more.
I'll hook up with them.
What's the worst that can happen? - You could get one pregnant.
- I'm not gonna do that! - Do you mind black ones? - No! All equal.
- They've sent you three of them.
- That is a lot, isn't it? All on the ''yes'' pile, or just one to show you're not prejudiced? - Which one, though? - That one's smiling.
Friendliest.
Look at that.
41.
Looks 30.
Look at those! ''Yes'' pile? - Yeah, if she's got a good personality.
- How can you be sure it's a recent photo? - It could have been taken when she was 30.
- They should have a copy of today's paper.
- (NEIL) All right? - Hiya.
- OK? - Yep.
- Busy? - Yep.
Gareth, I'll be back at three to have a chat with you.
- OK.
- See you at the Christmas party, David.
- See you.
- You still need two tickets? - Still bringing a lady friend to the party? - Yep.
Good.
I look forward to meeting her.
No.
Come on, we better No.
Everybody.
If I can have your attention, please.
Short announcement.
OK.
For those of you who care or liked her, Dawn Tinsley will be in this afternoon.
If you've never heard of her, she was just a receptionist, worked here for some years.
Her and her fiancé, Lee, went to Florida.
Yes, Tim, that's ''fiancé'', if you know what that word means! Um Maybe you want to keep your thoughts to yourself this time! All right.
Back to it, then.
Please.
Hey, I know what it's like.
I've worked in a lot of places over the years and the number of infatuations blokes have had over me.
Oh, God.
They know they can't have me, but it doesn't stop 'em.
I don't know what it is about me they like so much.
I'm racking my brains.
Let's see what's on offer.
Nice.
No, your necklace! I wasn't Don't think so! Although the reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts.
- I don't.
- No, I mean subconsciously.
I wear this because my mother gave it to me before she died.
She probably wore it to draw attention to hers.
Can we not talk about my dead mother's breasts? Duck pâté.
- I wasn't being lewd.
- I know.
- I was just interested in - Breasts! Anthropology, sort of all that What signals we give off.
- I'm not giving off any signals.
- We all are.
I saw a programme on Discovery channel.
Interesting.
Do you know why men are attracted to cleavage? Because it reminds us of women's buttocks.
Presumably when we were cavemen, we used to do you from behind.
So then we evolved and probably turned you over when language came in, to either chat or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks.
- Can we not talk about breasts, full stop? - Yeah.
- Do you want a starter? - Let's go straight to the main course.
(DAWN) I'm actually nervous about seeing everyone again.
I'm gonna have to answer the same question 30 times 'cause I've been away for a couple of years.
I just wanna go, ''We're back.
It's been lovely weather.
We've done lots of sunbathing.
''I'm not gonna be an illustrator.
''That's all you need to know.
Let's get drunk.
'' Hang on.
Sorry, it's just here on the left.
- Thank you.
- Why are you not going to be an illustrator? Um, just circumstances, really.
If someone said to me, ''Bang! You can be an overnight successful illustrator'', that'd be great 'cause it was my ambition.
But it's not gonna happen because of priorities and time and beughh.
You know.
All that, really.
Thank you.
(TIM) Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again.
She's my friend and she's a good friend.
I don't know exactly how I'll feel.
I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is.
But, as I said, I'm not gonna ask her again.
Come on! I might ask her again.
No, I won't.
No, I won't.
I know I won't.
I know I won't.
She would have to do the asking.
Oh, my God.
Hello! Hi! How are you? Hello! Good to see you.
Thanks! Hello! How are you doing? No Lee? No, he's at his mum's.
Hey.
- You're looking very brown.
- Oh, OK.
- What have you been up to? - Not much, actually.
- Enjoying life? - Trying to.
- This is all the same.
- Never changes.
- Can I get you a cup of tea? - I'd love one.
Lovely.
- It's really good to see you.
- Lovely cup of tea.
Actually, I think Gareth might wanna see you.
Shall we go and see the new boss? Nice to see you.
All right? - Shall we see him? - Yes.
Ready? He's the boss! Dawn Tinsley, as I live and breathe! - Don't bloody believe this! - Hi! Come here.
How are you, babes? I'm fine, darling! - What are you doing in America? Sit down.
- What do you mean? - Workwise? - Oh, it's complicated.
- You have to have a work permit.
- Sure.
If you are struggling, you're welcome back here.
Things have changed a bit round here - he'll tell you.
I'm quite a powerful man.
If you came back, you wouldn't necessarily be on Reception.
I always did think you were a hard worker, if a little bit Are you still trying to be an artist? - No.
- Good.
Waste of time.
Practically thinking.
Moving on.
Good.
You're no spring chicken.
No.
(RINGING TONE) - Hello? - Is that Gillian? - Yeah.
Who's this? - You're one of my introductions.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
- Hi.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Um, how do you usually do these things? Um, depends, really.
Just have a chat on the phone.
Sometimes meet up.
You know, you wear a carnation and carry a newspaperI Oh, to help recognise me.
You probably won't need that.
You probably will recognise me.
Will I? Why's that? Did you see a documentary that went out on BBC Two called ''The Office''? Yeah.
You're not that awful boss, are you? - No, not the No.
- What's your name? - Uh? - What's your name? What's MY name? Or what's his name? I don't know why you want his name! Can I Oh, no.
I've just remembered.
Can I call you back, Gillian? See you (SWITCHES PHONE OFF) She ''Who are you? What's your name?'' Too many questions.
Chill out.
GBH of the ears.
No, no, no.
Not for me, thank you.
Back to the drawing board.
Did you hear we're having new toilets in January? Did he tell you? - Tim, you didn't tell me about the toilets! - Sorry.
I had other things on my mind.
- Like, Gareth, are you still in the TAs? - Yeah.
- What rank are you? - Lieutenant.
Because I was thinking, if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner, - would you have to search him? - It's possible.
So you're doing a full body search.
You find something hard.
You know what it is.
Do you say, ''You've got a big weapon.
Give it to me now.
'' Or I'm not gonna ask him.
I'd just get it out myself.
Right.
And what happens, you're going into a battle situation, are you up the front with your men or are you coming up the rear? - Well, it depends.
- It's possible you'd come up the rear? - It's possible.
- That's all we wanted to know.
(TIM) What? Yeah, it's like actual He's got those clompy shoes still.
- With the silver link buckle across.
- He hasn't progressed.
- He still looks like a golf club.
- Dawn? Anne.
Yeah? Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Must tell you this.
You'd have laughed the other day.
- You know Paul Wallace? - From Harper's? No, he's at Silverleaf now.
Anyway, he's talking to Mel on Reception.
He's chatting away.
He's talking to her for about ten minutes.
Then he says, ''Dawn, have you changed your hair?'' He thought she was you.
He didn't realise you'd left! I laughed.
I shouted, ''Paul, do you think that's Dawn?'' He thought it was you.
Extraordinary.
- Where's your husband? Is he here? - He's not my husband yet.
- Are you gonna have children? - Not that I'm aware of.
Word of advice.
Have 'em sooner rather than later.
There's nothing worse than an old mum.
- I'm gonna shoot off.
- Do you want another cup? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Really good to see you.
- And you.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Dawn.
- How are you doing? - Are you coming to the Christmas party? - Yes, although we've got to leave early.
- We've gotta get back the next day.
- Have you? We'll have a good old chat then.
- OK, see you, everybody! - (ALL) Bye! I'll see you soon.
What's that? A sketch of me.
Dawn's an artist.
It's not very accurate.
Your nose is much bigger than that.
I spoke to her on the phone.
Seemed nice.
Feel a bit sick, really.
Not nerves.
Excitement.
Not sexual.
She's wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me spot her.
So, um Oh, for fuck's sake! - David? - Uh? Yep? Hiya.
- Susan.
Can I get you a drink? - No.
I'll get one.
Have you got one? - Yeah.
- Sit down.
I'll get one.
You know - Said on your form you like classical music.
- Did it? Yeah! You? Yes.
Who do you like? - All the big ones.
All the big names.
- I love Grieg.
He's good.
Not as good as Beethoven.
He's generally considered to be the best.
- Which Beethoven do you like? - All his main hits.
All the big ones.
Totally deaf, isn't he? I'm a musician meself, and all the stuff he came up with, I don't think he could have done better if he could have heard what he was playing.
What else Um Don't have to just talk about music.
I can talk about anything.
That's what I'm famous for, I can talk about anything.
You name a subject.
Name something and I'll tell you an interesting fact about it.
- What sort of thing? - Anything! - Uh? - Cows? Cows.
Cows have got four stomachs.
Right? Don't look at me like that! You said cows.
Choose anything.
- Lemons.
- Lemons? - I can choose something else.
- No, you said lemons.
Uh Pound for pound, there's more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry.
- I wouldn't know if that was true or not.
- I just told you it and I'm not a liar.
- Look it up when you get home.
- Is that your party trick? It's not a trick, is it, knowledge, education? - So how do you feel about Lynne? - Um, well, not bowled over, to be honest.
In fact, I'm thinking of asking for money back under the Trades Descriptions Act because this is the ''recent'' photo she sent in.
I'd have been up for that! What annoys me is that when I saw her, I thought, ''Oh, God!'' Then I thought ''Maybe she's got a good personality.
'' She hasn't.
I thought she'd be one of them happy, bubbly ones 'cause we were eating.
She's bleugghh! Nothing.
Know what I - Not talking about me, are you? - No! You couldn't hear that? No.
Right.
So Would you want to do this again? With you?! Wouldn't have thought so.
- I - Shall we just See you later.
- What did you think of him? - Well, he wasn't quite what I expected.
Can I show you the photo he sent in? - Here you go.
- Keep it under your hat.
These.
- Right, OK.
- Secret Santa! - Secret Santa.
Take one.
- Tell them about Secret Santa.
Everybody gets a piece of paper, writes their name on it, puts it in the box, we jiggle it round and then somebody takes a name out and they have to buy that person a present worth about £10.
- You keep it a secret.
- You don't know who bought you the gift.
- I said that.
- Let's have a go.
- No way.
I'm not getting him one.
- Is that me? - I can't say.
- Is it me? - Do you wanna swap? - Yes, please.
- Is that me? - I can't say.
If it's me, don't get a stupid novelty gift.
Get a voucher or put £10 in an envelope.
I'll get something I really want.
- Put a tenner in an envelope.
- The spirit of Christmas! A tenner! So what are you doing? Just thinking about Dawn? No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually.
- Just I'm not thinking about Dawn, OK? - OK.
I just hope you don't embarrass yourself again with her.
Well, I'm not planning to, Keith, all right? I mean, that'll be the third time you've asked her out and the woman's said no.
I'm not gonna do anything.
That is ancient history.
All right.
(LEE) Who's gonna be there? Yeah, sweet.
That'll be good.
Yeah.
Whereabouts? OK.
I love shopping for presents.
I love Christmas, I love birthdays.
I get more excited about watching people open their presents than they do.
- You don't seem to have bought much, Lee? - No, I don't buy into it.
It's a con.
What I usually say to her is work out what she's spent on me and take it out of my wallet.
- I'm thinking of wrapping it this year! - What? Word of warning, though.
If you are planning to try and nail Dawn for a third time while she's back, you heard what she said - she's going back the day after the party, so you've not got long if you wanna try Thank you.
Thank you.
Yep, that's great.
What do I owe you for this session? You're obviously such an expert with the ladies (!) - Yeah? - Yep.
Why is that? What is your secret? Well, men get turned on by what they see.
- But women get turned on by what they hear.
- Right.
I always make sure the woman hears the right thing.
Yeah? So what do you do when you're a-wooing? Sing to them? No.
I very tenderly explain to them that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm.
- What's his name? - Nelson.
- Where's his eye patch? - Not Horatio Nelson.
Nelson Mandela.
The great leader who they locked up just 'cause he was black.
They locked him up for sabotage and conspiracy.
Racist! He was commander of the militia wing of the ANC.
- We don't talk about that.
- They advocated guerrilla attacks.
Someone shut him up! Can't bel He's a great man, Mandela.
Great man, great dog.
That's what we're So Good company, as well.
My work takes me up and down the country.
I try not to be away for more than two nights.
It's not fair leaving him locked up too long.
Unlike the real Nelson! - What? Come off it.
I'm not having that.
- David? - Why's that funny? Hi.
- Hi.
Can I have a word, please? Yeah.
- Alone.
- He can't understand you.
- No, I meant - Oh, people.
Come on, Nelson.
- What's your reason for being here? - Is friendship a reason? You've spent ten minutes introducing people to your dog! - So he's not allowed to come and chat now? - I dunno what he's chatting about, but no.
- Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.
- I dunno what he's chatting about If he is here to crack jokes, he should do it in his own time.
- This is a business, not a social club.
- Typical.
You don't like it 'cause I'm popular.
You don't like me coming back.
I don't like you interrupting a working day.
You seem to be here all the time.
- Did you allow people to breeze in? - Yeah.
- Make chit-chat, distract people? - Yes.
- What do you mean, ''yes''? - If it was good for morale.
- You should pay me to be here.
- You don't work here! You have no reason to be here.
Unless you have a genuine reason to be here, you can't just stroll in whenever you like.
I'm banned 'cause the regime don't like it.
You don't work here.
You can't come in for a natter.
- I'll come in for a meeting then.
- What meeting? Can I come in for a meeting? - Yes, if it's a business meeting, but - OK.
- You can't keep popping in unannounced.
- Come on, Nelson.
David.
Let's see how they take Political news, everyone.
An interesting development.
I've been barred from coming to see you friends by the powers that be that deem I undermine the regime, 'cause they're scared.
Can't stop me seeing you after work, though.
Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow, to show? Yeah? Anyone? Short notice.
What about the day after that? Come and have a beer.
Just Thursday's good - for me, anyway.
What's good for you? I can still come in for meetings.
Who wants a meeting? No one wants to have a meeting with you or a drink with you.
You don't even work here.
I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David.
Call me.
- All right.
Oh, here he is.
- David.
- Let's get home, boy, before he bars you.
- He is barred.
Ooh, taking it out on animals.
There's your evidence.
Fight it.
Don't Come on, boy.
(LOUD DISCO MUSIC) (MUSIC DROWNS OUT WORDS) - I don't wanna do these any more.
- Don't be silly.
I'm not being silly.
It's demeaning.
A load of idiots.
- They loved you.
- If they loved me, why throw stuff? Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants.
One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face.
I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he'd smudged on the gusset, but it was still him going, ''We think you're shit.
'' Marmite? He must have prepared that at home 'cause he knew you were on.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
I'm not doing these any more.
Look, let me tell you I've heard this before.
I remember hearing this exact same thing from Bruno Brookes.
He'd come off stage in tears sometimes.
I'll tell you why.
- Because you're perfectionists.
- Yes.
I am.
Because I've got stuff to say to the world.
Not just wave.
It's just waving - why? - Shall I say you want to wave less? - Not the point! They're not my audience.
Get me on something I'm an anecdotalist.
Get me on I'll tell you who I'd hit it off with - Parkinson.
Um That could be tricky.
The trouble is, Parky tends to have people on his show that have done something.
- People who've won an Oscar or - Not always.
I saw one with that bloke who was a hostage in Beirut, chained to a radiator.
- John McCarthy.
- What's that? ''So what did you do all day?'' ''Nothing.
I was chained to a radiator.
'' Boring! And what's he done since? Nothing.
I've got anecdotes.
I've got stuff to say, if people would listen, but they won't.
I'll see what I can do.
In the meantime, you're at Malibu's in Bracknell Wednesday week.
Call, definitely call Par Do you know anyone? I'll sort it out.
Don't worry.
I know a bloke, used to work on the show, I think, in the '70s.
Um, he's retired now, but he still knows Parky.
(DAVID ) When I'm on the road and I'm staying away, it's good to get back to your room after one of those.
This is fairly typical for me.
I like to It just helps me relax.
Some people like a hot bath.
That's my Radox! But, you know Neil will make one too many mistakes.
Head Office will see what I always knew.
They'll go in there and go, ''Right, David was right.
You've pissed off him and him.
''You're not the manager you think you are, OK? ''So get out.
We made the mistake.
'' They'll drag him out by his hair.
Then the begging starts and they come to me.
''Oh, David, you were right all along.
Come back.
You're the best man for this job.
''Will you come back?'' I'll go ''Sure.
How much money you got? This is gonna cost you.
'' ''This is gonna cost you.
'' Yeah, I make that 93.
Is it? ''Something you find this week gets the juices flowing.
'' I'm comin' up So you better get a party started Sh-mowa! I'm comin' up, I'm comin' I hope not! I'm in the pink.
I'm in the pink! Like my singing? Pink.
She's good.
Wicked.
- Coming to the party? - Big time.
When's the meal beforehand? Management have had a discussion.
The upper echelons decided that only present employees can come to the meal.
So Yeah.
I'm not worried about that.
I don't want the meal.
You wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up.
I don't want to! Listen to me.
- Whose idea was that, Neil's? - Might have been.
There's a surprise.
No one else is invited who doesn't work here? Dawn's not? - No.
- Fine.
I know what he's doing, what he's up to.
- I can have a word with Neil if you want.
- Nothing you can do.
You're just a puppet.
- I can still bring a woman to this party? - Yeah, if you can find one.
- I've found one.
- Have you? Which one? - What do you mean? - Off the list? - I might have met her in the pub! - Did you? No, she's on the list.
But don't assume.
''Assume'' makes an ass out of you and me.
- I say that.
- You nick my catchphrases.
Like that one.
And others.
- What time does the meal finish? - 9, 9.
30.
9.
30? What am I gonna do for three hours? - See you.
- See you later.
See you.
(LIVELY SEASONAL POP MUSIC) - Gents.
- Thank you.
Good man.
Shall we shoot off to a club and come back when this livens up? The question is, what makes us two look like a pair of bollocks? The prick in the middle! Keep them coming and I'll stick around.
All right? Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you.
- So where's your hot date? On her way, so don't Don't think Fashionably late.
Not even late.
I told her to come about ten.
- It's nearly ten now.
- Nearly ten isn't ten, though.
God, I hope you don't run this place like that.
Fascist! Chill out! - I'm just looking forward to meeting her.
- We all are.
Bloody hell! - All right, mate? - Lee, nice to see you.
- Looking very well.
- Cheers.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Look at this! The American couple.
Brown, and white - with the teeth.
- Good! - Yeah.
It's nice to be back.
You look very well.
Happy Christmas.
- Secret Santa? - Trudie.
- Thank you.
- Thataway.
- Have you met Pete? - We'll take our coats.
OK.
I don't know what to expect.
I haven't been impressed so far.
I hope they're vetting them because the computer seems to be throwing up rubbish.
It's like they haven't put me in the right category.
Oh, f I don't believe it.
Look at this.
- Hello! - Hiya.
- All right? Is Monkey in there? - Oh, yeah! Phew! - All right? - Yeah! I'm expecting a blind date and I was worried you were it! No.
Yeah, he's up there.
Sorry.
I was gonna say, do you hire a car in the States? - Yeah.
- That's how you get around? Cool.
Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about not doing the illustrating any more.
- She's not drawing or - No.
I'd have thought you were in the perfect spot for the watercolours or We agreed making a living's gotta come first.
- She can still do it in the evening.
- To make money you gotta be good.
Right.
I brought you the long way round.
Chris, Neil - This is Carol, my date - Hi.
.
.
for this evening.
Yeah.
Let's get you some alcohol, shall we? What do you fancy? Wine? Beer? - I'm watching the figure.
- Let me do that! - Vodka? - Fine.
- Pint of vodka.
- Pint? Joking! Thought they'd sent me an alky then! - Good.
- Excuse us.
Did you see the documentary? - No, no, I didn't.
I know you were in it.
- Just a bit, yeah.
- Was that weird? - Weird isn't the word I used when I saw it.
- ''Stitch-up'' was.
- Why? It was the way they left out all the good bits I did every day - and put in the embarrassing bits.
- Like what? - The time I headbutted someone.
- Headbutted someone? - Yeah, but she was - She? Yeah, but it was manipulated.
They're crafty.
Because - example - once the guys found out I sing and play - Do you? - Big time.
- Are you good? - Yeah.
It's ''Come on, give us a song.
'' I was doing an impromptu gig and they're filming it and I did a beautiful version of ''No Woman No Cry''.
- Really? - By the late, great Bob Marley.
- Yeah.
- Good.
And all I'll say is this.
Oliver, who is the office black guy, thought it was brilliant.
- Did he? - Yeah.
He should know.
- So I'll take his word.
- They didn't put that bit in? No.
Jeff Lamp, you're barred.
Get out.
I'm joking.
Gareth.
- Did you drive down? - No, I came in a cab.
Yeah, we took a taxi.
What were you saying? (INAUDIBLE) Monkey Allen! - That sounds good.
- Yeah.
- What about you? - I'm repping - Right.
- I'm getting into entertainment, though.
- Are you? - It's very difficult, though.
Seems to be a series of shitty PAs, due to the fact that my agent - agent! - does not know his arse from his elbow.
I go out, wave for ten minutes.
Embarrassing.
They're all half me age.
They're taking the mick.
Not really.
You're getting paid.
You never see them again.
What do you care? Take the money and run.
Spend it on something you do wanna do.
Yeah.
Drives me mad.
To spoil a child, it is a kind of child abuse.
And you've got a responsibility as a parent.
(SHE BELCHES) And you cannot do that to your children.
- I'll tell you what, though - Hello, mate.
- Hello, son.
- They let you both in the country, then! Excuse me! Do you mind not smoking near me? - Sorry? - Do you mind not smoking? I am pregnant.
- Yeah, and this is a party.
- I don't care about the party.
- I care about my unborn child.
- Then fuck off home, you dozy cow! - What did you say? - You think we care as much as you do? Just 'cause you let some useless tosser blow his beans up your muff! Merry fucking Christmas! - Beans?! - I don't believe Muffwas the bit for me.
Beans and muff! .
.
red-nosed reindeer Does he turn up on his sleigh? Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun It's ChristmasI (SMOOCHY MUSIC) But otherwise you found your way around all right? - Left everything in order, did I? - Yeah.
Cool.
Dawn, have you done that important report that I asked for? I've waited two years.
Unfortunately, I've been extremely busy - sunbathing, filing my nails I'm beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job.
You shouldn't be there.
You don't work here.
Look at the boss, with his little boss face.
- Enjoying yourself, Gareth? - Yeah.
Gareth, I meant to ask you.
Following on from our discussion, when you're out on manoeuvres, you have to stay at a barracks with all those men in bunk beds.
Now, do you prefer to go on top? Yeah, because if you get up in the night, you disturb them but they can't disturb you.
It helps.
(TIM) They're trained, so they must be pretty fit? - So you look at them and go, ''They're fit.
'' - We all are.
In a wood, if an enemy soldier jumped on one of your boys, would you pull him off? - Immediately.
- You'd pull him off? Course! They're winding you up.
He means wank you off.
- Did you? - Yeah, afraid I did.
Sorry.
Thanks, mate.
That's pathetic.
- Shall we make a move? - Eh? We can stay a few minutes, can't we? You'll have too much to drink and moan all day tomorrow.
- What about Secret Santa? - You'll cope.
I'll get the coats.
All right, mate.
Ah, well.
You can persuade him to stay for a bit, can't you? I know, but we have to go tomorrow and - Understood.
- Eight-hour flight.
- Is it eight hours? - It is.
- Still, this has been nice.
- It has.
- A good night.
- Yeah.
Good seeing you again.
Look after yourself.
Have a good life.
- Keep in touch! - I'll write.
No, I will, I will.
- Anyway - Listen.
- It was really nice seeing you.
- You, too.
- Look after yourself.
- Here's your Secret Santa.
- See you, mate.
Good to see you.
- Lee.
Good luck.
Cheers.
- Shall we go? - Bye! Dawn's off, everyone.
- See you later.
Take care.
- Have a nice flight.
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good Want you back, want you back, want you back for good Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it You'll be right and understood Want you back, want you back, I want you back for good Right.
Next, Gareth.
- Very funny.
Who got me that? - No, don't tell him! Secret Santa! I specifically said I wanted vouchers, soannoying.
(TIM) The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with.
You don't know them.
It wasn't your choice.
Yet you spend more time with them than you do friends or family.
But probably all you've got in common is that you walk on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.
And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with Yeah.
Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot.
But if I'm really being honest, I never thought it would have a happy ending.
I don't know what a happy ending is.
Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments.
And, um It's like, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it? I'm still here.
My life's not over.
Come back in ten years.
See how I'm doing then.
I could be married with kids.
You don't know.
Life just goes on.
Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ Was born on Christmas Day Hark, now, hear the angels sing A king was born today And man will live for ever more Because of Christmas Day Mary's boy child (DAVID ) No, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this evening, but she is a brilliant woman.
Smart, logical.
You hear people say you can't be a beautiful, sensual woman like Carol and still be logical.
She's proved them wrong.
Part of the attraction.
In fact, for me to be attracted to a woman, she has to be as intelligent or slightly less intelligent than me.
And she is.
I've never been impressed with guys who go, ''She's got great breasts'' or ''a cute tush''.
I mean, Carol's got all those things, but she's got it going on upstairs as well as down.
Perfect, for me.
How was that? Yeah, he's funny.
Yeah.
He wants to try my Thai food.
That's OK.
I had a good chat, a good chat with him.
Would you want to see him again? Yeah, I think so.
- Thank you very much.
- Cheers.
- Thank you very much.
- That's all right.
Definitely! For a beach holiday, it's perfect.
Long flight, but you get the weather.
Two weeks, a grand each.
- Well done.
Leeds are doing well.
- What? - Where are they in the league? - You don't know about football.
- Guilty! I support Reading! - When did you last go? - I support football more than him.
- I'm a rugby man.
Admits it, admits it.
- No dog with you today? - Did you not see her? She just left! Chris, why don't you fuck off? Sometimes when I think of her name When it's only a game And I need you Listen to the words that you say It's getting harder to stay When I see you - The doctor's - All I'm saying is think about what I said.
- The doctor is - I know this.
They're triplets.
They're not triplets.
Why would they be? If the bloke in the car is his father and the doctor really did say, ''I can't operate on that boy.
He's my son.
'' - The doctor's telling the truth as well.
- Is he a man - Careful.
She's got a fiancé.
- I haven't.
Not any more.
All I needed was the love you gave All I needed for another day And all I ever knew Only you This is gonna take a long time And I wonder what's mine Can't take no more Wonder if you'll understand It's just the touch of your hand Behind a closed door All I needed was the love you gave All I needed for another day And all I ever knew Only you (DAVID ) A philosopher once wrote, ''You need three things to have a good life.
''One, a meaningful relationship.
''Two, a decent job of work.
''Three, to make a difference.
'' It was that third one that stressed me.
''To make a difference.
'' And I realised that I do.
Every day.
We all do.
It's how we interact with our fellow man.
Sorry, Neil, can I just have one with Neil out? Just one of the old gang.
Do you mind? - The real gang.
- Yeah.
The glory years! How would you like to be remembered? Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.
- Say ''cheese''! - Cheese! - Did that flash? - No! OK, give me a sec.
Bit of trouble here.
(AS FRANK SPENCER) Oh, I'm having a bit of trouble meself! Betty, Jessica, the cat did a whoopsie in my beret! That was Frank Spencer.
Oh, do it again! So what becomes of you, my love? When they have finally stripped you of The handbags and the glad rags That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy? Have you got everything you need? Cheers.
What we're doing at the moment is just No! .
.
sorting the ladies that the agency have sent me into ''yes'' and ''no'' piles.
These are the matches they've come up with.
Quite a lot of choice, which is good.
I get three free introductions for the money I've already paid.
I've already chosen one.
I'm taking her to lunch today.
I'll choose two more.
I'll hook up with them.
What's the worst that can happen? - You could get one pregnant.
- I'm not gonna do that! - Do you mind black ones? - No! All equal.
- They've sent you three of them.
- That is a lot, isn't it? All on the ''yes'' pile, or just one to show you're not prejudiced? - Which one, though? - That one's smiling.
Friendliest.
Look at that.
41.
Looks 30.
Look at those! ''Yes'' pile? - Yeah, if she's got a good personality.
- How can you be sure it's a recent photo? - It could have been taken when she was 30.
- They should have a copy of today's paper.
- (NEIL) All right? - Hiya.
- OK? - Yep.
- Busy? - Yep.
Gareth, I'll be back at three to have a chat with you.
- OK.
- See you at the Christmas party, David.
- See you.
- You still need two tickets? - Still bringing a lady friend to the party? - Yep.
Good.
I look forward to meeting her.
No.
Come on, we better No.
Everybody.
If I can have your attention, please.
Short announcement.
OK.
For those of you who care or liked her, Dawn Tinsley will be in this afternoon.
If you've never heard of her, she was just a receptionist, worked here for some years.
Her and her fiancé, Lee, went to Florida.
Yes, Tim, that's ''fiancé'', if you know what that word means! Um Maybe you want to keep your thoughts to yourself this time! All right.
Back to it, then.
Please.
Hey, I know what it's like.
I've worked in a lot of places over the years and the number of infatuations blokes have had over me.
Oh, God.
They know they can't have me, but it doesn't stop 'em.
I don't know what it is about me they like so much.
I'm racking my brains.
Let's see what's on offer.
Nice.
No, your necklace! I wasn't Don't think so! Although the reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts.
- I don't.
- No, I mean subconsciously.
I wear this because my mother gave it to me before she died.
She probably wore it to draw attention to hers.
Can we not talk about my dead mother's breasts? Duck pâté.
- I wasn't being lewd.
- I know.
- I was just interested in - Breasts! Anthropology, sort of all that What signals we give off.
- I'm not giving off any signals.
- We all are.
I saw a programme on Discovery channel.
Interesting.
Do you know why men are attracted to cleavage? Because it reminds us of women's buttocks.
Presumably when we were cavemen, we used to do you from behind.
So then we evolved and probably turned you over when language came in, to either chat or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks.
- Can we not talk about breasts, full stop? - Yeah.
- Do you want a starter? - Let's go straight to the main course.
(DAWN) I'm actually nervous about seeing everyone again.
I'm gonna have to answer the same question 30 times 'cause I've been away for a couple of years.
I just wanna go, ''We're back.
It's been lovely weather.
We've done lots of sunbathing.
''I'm not gonna be an illustrator.
''That's all you need to know.
Let's get drunk.
'' Hang on.
Sorry, it's just here on the left.
- Thank you.
- Why are you not going to be an illustrator? Um, just circumstances, really.
If someone said to me, ''Bang! You can be an overnight successful illustrator'', that'd be great 'cause it was my ambition.
But it's not gonna happen because of priorities and time and beughh.
You know.
All that, really.
Thank you.
(TIM) Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again.
She's my friend and she's a good friend.
I don't know exactly how I'll feel.
I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is.
But, as I said, I'm not gonna ask her again.
Come on! I might ask her again.
No, I won't.
No, I won't.
I know I won't.
I know I won't.
She would have to do the asking.
Oh, my God.
Hello! Hi! How are you? Hello! Good to see you.
Thanks! Hello! How are you doing? No Lee? No, he's at his mum's.
Hey.
- You're looking very brown.
- Oh, OK.
- What have you been up to? - Not much, actually.
- Enjoying life? - Trying to.
- This is all the same.
- Never changes.
- Can I get you a cup of tea? - I'd love one.
Lovely.
- It's really good to see you.
- Lovely cup of tea.
Actually, I think Gareth might wanna see you.
Shall we go and see the new boss? Nice to see you.
All right? - Shall we see him? - Yes.
Ready? He's the boss! Dawn Tinsley, as I live and breathe! - Don't bloody believe this! - Hi! Come here.
How are you, babes? I'm fine, darling! - What are you doing in America? Sit down.
- What do you mean? - Workwise? - Oh, it's complicated.
- You have to have a work permit.
- Sure.
If you are struggling, you're welcome back here.
Things have changed a bit round here - he'll tell you.
I'm quite a powerful man.
If you came back, you wouldn't necessarily be on Reception.
I always did think you were a hard worker, if a little bit Are you still trying to be an artist? - No.
- Good.
Waste of time.
Practically thinking.
Moving on.
Good.
You're no spring chicken.
No.
(RINGING TONE) - Hello? - Is that Gillian? - Yeah.
Who's this? - You're one of my introductions.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
- Hi.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Um, how do you usually do these things? Um, depends, really.
Just have a chat on the phone.
Sometimes meet up.
You know, you wear a carnation and carry a newspaperI Oh, to help recognise me.
You probably won't need that.
You probably will recognise me.
Will I? Why's that? Did you see a documentary that went out on BBC Two called ''The Office''? Yeah.
You're not that awful boss, are you? - No, not the No.
- What's your name? - Uh? - What's your name? What's MY name? Or what's his name? I don't know why you want his name! Can I Oh, no.
I've just remembered.
Can I call you back, Gillian? See you (SWITCHES PHONE OFF) She ''Who are you? What's your name?'' Too many questions.
Chill out.
GBH of the ears.
No, no, no.
Not for me, thank you.
Back to the drawing board.
Did you hear we're having new toilets in January? Did he tell you? - Tim, you didn't tell me about the toilets! - Sorry.
I had other things on my mind.
- Like, Gareth, are you still in the TAs? - Yeah.
- What rank are you? - Lieutenant.
Because I was thinking, if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner, - would you have to search him? - It's possible.
So you're doing a full body search.
You find something hard.
You know what it is.
Do you say, ''You've got a big weapon.
Give it to me now.
'' Or I'm not gonna ask him.
I'd just get it out myself.
Right.
And what happens, you're going into a battle situation, are you up the front with your men or are you coming up the rear? - Well, it depends.
- It's possible you'd come up the rear? - It's possible.
- That's all we wanted to know.
(TIM) What? Yeah, it's like actual He's got those clompy shoes still.
- With the silver link buckle across.
- He hasn't progressed.
- He still looks like a golf club.
- Dawn? Anne.
Yeah? Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Must tell you this.
You'd have laughed the other day.
- You know Paul Wallace? - From Harper's? No, he's at Silverleaf now.
Anyway, he's talking to Mel on Reception.
He's chatting away.
He's talking to her for about ten minutes.
Then he says, ''Dawn, have you changed your hair?'' He thought she was you.
He didn't realise you'd left! I laughed.
I shouted, ''Paul, do you think that's Dawn?'' He thought it was you.
Extraordinary.
- Where's your husband? Is he here? - He's not my husband yet.
- Are you gonna have children? - Not that I'm aware of.
Word of advice.
Have 'em sooner rather than later.
There's nothing worse than an old mum.
- I'm gonna shoot off.
- Do you want another cup? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Really good to see you.
- And you.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Dawn.
- How are you doing? - Are you coming to the Christmas party? - Yes, although we've got to leave early.
- We've gotta get back the next day.
- Have you? We'll have a good old chat then.
- OK, see you, everybody! - (ALL) Bye! I'll see you soon.
What's that? A sketch of me.
Dawn's an artist.
It's not very accurate.
Your nose is much bigger than that.
I spoke to her on the phone.
Seemed nice.
Feel a bit sick, really.
Not nerves.
Excitement.
Not sexual.
She's wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me spot her.
So, um Oh, for fuck's sake! - David? - Uh? Yep? Hiya.
- Susan.
Can I get you a drink? - No.
I'll get one.
Have you got one? - Yeah.
- Sit down.
I'll get one.
You know - Said on your form you like classical music.
- Did it? Yeah! You? Yes.
Who do you like? - All the big ones.
All the big names.
- I love Grieg.
He's good.
Not as good as Beethoven.
He's generally considered to be the best.
- Which Beethoven do you like? - All his main hits.
All the big ones.
Totally deaf, isn't he? I'm a musician meself, and all the stuff he came up with, I don't think he could have done better if he could have heard what he was playing.
What else Um Don't have to just talk about music.
I can talk about anything.
That's what I'm famous for, I can talk about anything.
You name a subject.
Name something and I'll tell you an interesting fact about it.
- What sort of thing? - Anything! - Uh? - Cows? Cows.
Cows have got four stomachs.
Right? Don't look at me like that! You said cows.
Choose anything.
- Lemons.
- Lemons? - I can choose something else.
- No, you said lemons.
Uh Pound for pound, there's more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry.
- I wouldn't know if that was true or not.
- I just told you it and I'm not a liar.
- Look it up when you get home.
- Is that your party trick? It's not a trick, is it, knowledge, education? - So how do you feel about Lynne? - Um, well, not bowled over, to be honest.
In fact, I'm thinking of asking for money back under the Trades Descriptions Act because this is the ''recent'' photo she sent in.
I'd have been up for that! What annoys me is that when I saw her, I thought, ''Oh, God!'' Then I thought ''Maybe she's got a good personality.
'' She hasn't.
I thought she'd be one of them happy, bubbly ones 'cause we were eating.
She's bleugghh! Nothing.
Know what I - Not talking about me, are you? - No! You couldn't hear that? No.
Right.
So Would you want to do this again? With you?! Wouldn't have thought so.
- I - Shall we just See you later.
- What did you think of him? - Well, he wasn't quite what I expected.
Can I show you the photo he sent in? - Here you go.
- Keep it under your hat.
These.
- Right, OK.
- Secret Santa! - Secret Santa.
Take one.
- Tell them about Secret Santa.
Everybody gets a piece of paper, writes their name on it, puts it in the box, we jiggle it round and then somebody takes a name out and they have to buy that person a present worth about £10.
- You keep it a secret.
- You don't know who bought you the gift.
- I said that.
- Let's have a go.
- No way.
I'm not getting him one.
- Is that me? - I can't say.
- Is it me? - Do you wanna swap? - Yes, please.
- Is that me? - I can't say.
If it's me, don't get a stupid novelty gift.
Get a voucher or put £10 in an envelope.
I'll get something I really want.
- Put a tenner in an envelope.
- The spirit of Christmas! A tenner! So what are you doing? Just thinking about Dawn? No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually.
- Just I'm not thinking about Dawn, OK? - OK.
I just hope you don't embarrass yourself again with her.
Well, I'm not planning to, Keith, all right? I mean, that'll be the third time you've asked her out and the woman's said no.
I'm not gonna do anything.
That is ancient history.
All right.
(LEE) Who's gonna be there? Yeah, sweet.
That'll be good.
Yeah.
Whereabouts? OK.
I love shopping for presents.
I love Christmas, I love birthdays.
I get more excited about watching people open their presents than they do.
- You don't seem to have bought much, Lee? - No, I don't buy into it.
It's a con.
What I usually say to her is work out what she's spent on me and take it out of my wallet.
- I'm thinking of wrapping it this year! - What? Word of warning, though.
If you are planning to try and nail Dawn for a third time while she's back, you heard what she said - she's going back the day after the party, so you've not got long if you wanna try Thank you.
Thank you.
Yep, that's great.
What do I owe you for this session? You're obviously such an expert with the ladies (!) - Yeah? - Yep.
Why is that? What is your secret? Well, men get turned on by what they see.
- But women get turned on by what they hear.
- Right.
I always make sure the woman hears the right thing.
Yeah? So what do you do when you're a-wooing? Sing to them? No.
I very tenderly explain to them that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm.
- What's his name? - Nelson.
- Where's his eye patch? - Not Horatio Nelson.
Nelson Mandela.
The great leader who they locked up just 'cause he was black.
They locked him up for sabotage and conspiracy.
Racist! He was commander of the militia wing of the ANC.
- We don't talk about that.
- They advocated guerrilla attacks.
Someone shut him up! Can't bel He's a great man, Mandela.
Great man, great dog.
That's what we're So Good company, as well.
My work takes me up and down the country.
I try not to be away for more than two nights.
It's not fair leaving him locked up too long.
Unlike the real Nelson! - What? Come off it.
I'm not having that.
- David? - Why's that funny? Hi.
- Hi.
Can I have a word, please? Yeah.
- Alone.
- He can't understand you.
- No, I meant - Oh, people.
Come on, Nelson.
- What's your reason for being here? - Is friendship a reason? You've spent ten minutes introducing people to your dog! - So he's not allowed to come and chat now? - I dunno what he's chatting about, but no.
- Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.
- I dunno what he's chatting about If he is here to crack jokes, he should do it in his own time.
- This is a business, not a social club.
- Typical.
You don't like it 'cause I'm popular.
You don't like me coming back.
I don't like you interrupting a working day.
You seem to be here all the time.
- Did you allow people to breeze in? - Yeah.
- Make chit-chat, distract people? - Yes.
- What do you mean, ''yes''? - If it was good for morale.
- You should pay me to be here.
- You don't work here! You have no reason to be here.
Unless you have a genuine reason to be here, you can't just stroll in whenever you like.
I'm banned 'cause the regime don't like it.
You don't work here.
You can't come in for a natter.
- I'll come in for a meeting then.
- What meeting? Can I come in for a meeting? - Yes, if it's a business meeting, but - OK.
- You can't keep popping in unannounced.
- Come on, Nelson.
David.
Let's see how they take Political news, everyone.
An interesting development.
I've been barred from coming to see you friends by the powers that be that deem I undermine the regime, 'cause they're scared.
Can't stop me seeing you after work, though.
Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow, to show? Yeah? Anyone? Short notice.
What about the day after that? Come and have a beer.
Just Thursday's good - for me, anyway.
What's good for you? I can still come in for meetings.
Who wants a meeting? No one wants to have a meeting with you or a drink with you.
You don't even work here.
I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David.
Call me.
- All right.
Oh, here he is.
- David.
- Let's get home, boy, before he bars you.
- He is barred.
Ooh, taking it out on animals.
There's your evidence.
Fight it.
Don't Come on, boy.
(LOUD DISCO MUSIC) (MUSIC DROWNS OUT WORDS) - I don't wanna do these any more.
- Don't be silly.
I'm not being silly.
It's demeaning.
A load of idiots.
- They loved you.
- If they loved me, why throw stuff? Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants.
One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face.
I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he'd smudged on the gusset, but it was still him going, ''We think you're shit.
'' Marmite? He must have prepared that at home 'cause he knew you were on.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
I'm not doing these any more.
Look, let me tell you I've heard this before.
I remember hearing this exact same thing from Bruno Brookes.
He'd come off stage in tears sometimes.
I'll tell you why.
- Because you're perfectionists.
- Yes.
I am.
Because I've got stuff to say to the world.
Not just wave.
It's just waving - why? - Shall I say you want to wave less? - Not the point! They're not my audience.
Get me on something I'm an anecdotalist.
Get me on I'll tell you who I'd hit it off with - Parkinson.
Um That could be tricky.
The trouble is, Parky tends to have people on his show that have done something.
- People who've won an Oscar or - Not always.
I saw one with that bloke who was a hostage in Beirut, chained to a radiator.
- John McCarthy.
- What's that? ''So what did you do all day?'' ''Nothing.
I was chained to a radiator.
'' Boring! And what's he done since? Nothing.
I've got anecdotes.
I've got stuff to say, if people would listen, but they won't.
I'll see what I can do.
In the meantime, you're at Malibu's in Bracknell Wednesday week.
Call, definitely call Par Do you know anyone? I'll sort it out.
Don't worry.
I know a bloke, used to work on the show, I think, in the '70s.
Um, he's retired now, but he still knows Parky.
(DAVID ) When I'm on the road and I'm staying away, it's good to get back to your room after one of those.
This is fairly typical for me.
I like to It just helps me relax.
Some people like a hot bath.
That's my Radox! But, you know Neil will make one too many mistakes.
Head Office will see what I always knew.
They'll go in there and go, ''Right, David was right.
You've pissed off him and him.
''You're not the manager you think you are, OK? ''So get out.
We made the mistake.
'' They'll drag him out by his hair.
Then the begging starts and they come to me.
''Oh, David, you were right all along.
Come back.
You're the best man for this job.
''Will you come back?'' I'll go ''Sure.
How much money you got? This is gonna cost you.
'' ''This is gonna cost you.
'' Yeah, I make that 93.
Is it? ''Something you find this week gets the juices flowing.
'' I'm comin' up So you better get a party started Sh-mowa! I'm comin' up, I'm comin' I hope not! I'm in the pink.
I'm in the pink! Like my singing? Pink.
She's good.
Wicked.
- Coming to the party? - Big time.
When's the meal beforehand? Management have had a discussion.
The upper echelons decided that only present employees can come to the meal.
So Yeah.
I'm not worried about that.
I don't want the meal.
You wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up.
I don't want to! Listen to me.
- Whose idea was that, Neil's? - Might have been.
There's a surprise.
No one else is invited who doesn't work here? Dawn's not? - No.
- Fine.
I know what he's doing, what he's up to.
- I can have a word with Neil if you want.
- Nothing you can do.
You're just a puppet.
- I can still bring a woman to this party? - Yeah, if you can find one.
- I've found one.
- Have you? Which one? - What do you mean? - Off the list? - I might have met her in the pub! - Did you? No, she's on the list.
But don't assume.
''Assume'' makes an ass out of you and me.
- I say that.
- You nick my catchphrases.
Like that one.
And others.
- What time does the meal finish? - 9, 9.
30.
9.
30? What am I gonna do for three hours? - See you.
- See you later.
See you.
(LIVELY SEASONAL POP MUSIC) - Gents.
- Thank you.
Good man.
Shall we shoot off to a club and come back when this livens up? The question is, what makes us two look like a pair of bollocks? The prick in the middle! Keep them coming and I'll stick around.
All right? Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you.
- So where's your hot date? On her way, so don't Don't think Fashionably late.
Not even late.
I told her to come about ten.
- It's nearly ten now.
- Nearly ten isn't ten, though.
God, I hope you don't run this place like that.
Fascist! Chill out! - I'm just looking forward to meeting her.
- We all are.
Bloody hell! - All right, mate? - Lee, nice to see you.
- Looking very well.
- Cheers.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Look at this! The American couple.
Brown, and white - with the teeth.
- Good! - Yeah.
It's nice to be back.
You look very well.
Happy Christmas.
- Secret Santa? - Trudie.
- Thank you.
- Thataway.
- Have you met Pete? - We'll take our coats.
OK.
I don't know what to expect.
I haven't been impressed so far.
I hope they're vetting them because the computer seems to be throwing up rubbish.
It's like they haven't put me in the right category.
Oh, f I don't believe it.
Look at this.
- Hello! - Hiya.
- All right? Is Monkey in there? - Oh, yeah! Phew! - All right? - Yeah! I'm expecting a blind date and I was worried you were it! No.
Yeah, he's up there.
Sorry.
I was gonna say, do you hire a car in the States? - Yeah.
- That's how you get around? Cool.
Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about not doing the illustrating any more.
- She's not drawing or - No.
I'd have thought you were in the perfect spot for the watercolours or We agreed making a living's gotta come first.
- She can still do it in the evening.
- To make money you gotta be good.
Right.
I brought you the long way round.
Chris, Neil - This is Carol, my date - Hi.
.
.
for this evening.
Yeah.
Let's get you some alcohol, shall we? What do you fancy? Wine? Beer? - I'm watching the figure.
- Let me do that! - Vodka? - Fine.
- Pint of vodka.
- Pint? Joking! Thought they'd sent me an alky then! - Good.
- Excuse us.
Did you see the documentary? - No, no, I didn't.
I know you were in it.
- Just a bit, yeah.
- Was that weird? - Weird isn't the word I used when I saw it.
- ''Stitch-up'' was.
- Why? It was the way they left out all the good bits I did every day - and put in the embarrassing bits.
- Like what? - The time I headbutted someone.
- Headbutted someone? - Yeah, but she was - She? Yeah, but it was manipulated.
They're crafty.
Because - example - once the guys found out I sing and play - Do you? - Big time.
- Are you good? - Yeah.
It's ''Come on, give us a song.
'' I was doing an impromptu gig and they're filming it and I did a beautiful version of ''No Woman No Cry''.
- Really? - By the late, great Bob Marley.
- Yeah.
- Good.
And all I'll say is this.
Oliver, who is the office black guy, thought it was brilliant.
- Did he? - Yeah.
He should know.
- So I'll take his word.
- They didn't put that bit in? No.
Jeff Lamp, you're barred.
Get out.
I'm joking.
Gareth.
- Did you drive down? - No, I came in a cab.
Yeah, we took a taxi.
What were you saying? (INAUDIBLE) Monkey Allen! - That sounds good.
- Yeah.
- What about you? - I'm repping - Right.
- I'm getting into entertainment, though.
- Are you? - It's very difficult, though.
Seems to be a series of shitty PAs, due to the fact that my agent - agent! - does not know his arse from his elbow.
I go out, wave for ten minutes.
Embarrassing.
They're all half me age.
They're taking the mick.
Not really.
You're getting paid.
You never see them again.
What do you care? Take the money and run.
Spend it on something you do wanna do.
Yeah.
Drives me mad.
To spoil a child, it is a kind of child abuse.
And you've got a responsibility as a parent.
(SHE BELCHES) And you cannot do that to your children.
- I'll tell you what, though - Hello, mate.
- Hello, son.
- They let you both in the country, then! Excuse me! Do you mind not smoking near me? - Sorry? - Do you mind not smoking? I am pregnant.
- Yeah, and this is a party.
- I don't care about the party.
- I care about my unborn child.
- Then fuck off home, you dozy cow! - What did you say? - You think we care as much as you do? Just 'cause you let some useless tosser blow his beans up your muff! Merry fucking Christmas! - Beans?! - I don't believe Muffwas the bit for me.
Beans and muff! .
.
red-nosed reindeer Does he turn up on his sleigh? Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun It's ChristmasI (SMOOCHY MUSIC) But otherwise you found your way around all right? - Left everything in order, did I? - Yeah.
Cool.
Dawn, have you done that important report that I asked for? I've waited two years.
Unfortunately, I've been extremely busy - sunbathing, filing my nails I'm beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job.
You shouldn't be there.
You don't work here.
Look at the boss, with his little boss face.
- Enjoying yourself, Gareth? - Yeah.
Gareth, I meant to ask you.
Following on from our discussion, when you're out on manoeuvres, you have to stay at a barracks with all those men in bunk beds.
Now, do you prefer to go on top? Yeah, because if you get up in the night, you disturb them but they can't disturb you.
It helps.
(TIM) They're trained, so they must be pretty fit? - So you look at them and go, ''They're fit.
'' - We all are.
In a wood, if an enemy soldier jumped on one of your boys, would you pull him off? - Immediately.
- You'd pull him off? Course! They're winding you up.
He means wank you off.
- Did you? - Yeah, afraid I did.
Sorry.
Thanks, mate.
That's pathetic.
- Shall we make a move? - Eh? We can stay a few minutes, can't we? You'll have too much to drink and moan all day tomorrow.
- What about Secret Santa? - You'll cope.
I'll get the coats.
All right, mate.
Ah, well.
You can persuade him to stay for a bit, can't you? I know, but we have to go tomorrow and - Understood.
- Eight-hour flight.
- Is it eight hours? - It is.
- Still, this has been nice.
- It has.
- A good night.
- Yeah.
Good seeing you again.
Look after yourself.
Have a good life.
- Keep in touch! - I'll write.
No, I will, I will.
- Anyway - Listen.
- It was really nice seeing you.
- You, too.
- Look after yourself.
- Here's your Secret Santa.
- See you, mate.
Good to see you.
- Lee.
Good luck.
Cheers.
- Shall we go? - Bye! Dawn's off, everyone.
- See you later.
Take care.
- Have a nice flight.
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good Want you back, want you back, want you back for good Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it You'll be right and understood Want you back, want you back, I want you back for good Right.
Next, Gareth.
- Very funny.
Who got me that? - No, don't tell him! Secret Santa! I specifically said I wanted vouchers, soannoying.
(TIM) The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with.
You don't know them.
It wasn't your choice.
Yet you spend more time with them than you do friends or family.
But probably all you've got in common is that you walk on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.
And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with Yeah.
Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot.
But if I'm really being honest, I never thought it would have a happy ending.
I don't know what a happy ending is.
Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments.
And, um It's like, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it? I'm still here.
My life's not over.
Come back in ten years.
See how I'm doing then.
I could be married with kids.
You don't know.
Life just goes on.
Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ Was born on Christmas Day Hark, now, hear the angels sing A king was born today And man will live for ever more Because of Christmas Day Mary's boy child (DAVID ) No, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this evening, but she is a brilliant woman.
Smart, logical.
You hear people say you can't be a beautiful, sensual woman like Carol and still be logical.
She's proved them wrong.
Part of the attraction.
In fact, for me to be attracted to a woman, she has to be as intelligent or slightly less intelligent than me.
And she is.
I've never been impressed with guys who go, ''She's got great breasts'' or ''a cute tush''.
I mean, Carol's got all those things, but she's got it going on upstairs as well as down.
Perfect, for me.
How was that? Yeah, he's funny.
Yeah.
He wants to try my Thai food.
That's OK.
I had a good chat, a good chat with him.
Would you want to see him again? Yeah, I think so.
- Thank you very much.
- Cheers.
- Thank you very much.
- That's all right.
Definitely! For a beach holiday, it's perfect.
Long flight, but you get the weather.
Two weeks, a grand each.
- Well done.
Leeds are doing well.
- What? - Where are they in the league? - You don't know about football.
- Guilty! I support Reading! - When did you last go? - I support football more than him.
- I'm a rugby man.
Admits it, admits it.
- No dog with you today? - Did you not see her? She just left! Chris, why don't you fuck off? Sometimes when I think of her name When it's only a game And I need you Listen to the words that you say It's getting harder to stay When I see you - The doctor's - All I'm saying is think about what I said.
- The doctor is - I know this.
They're triplets.
They're not triplets.
Why would they be? If the bloke in the car is his father and the doctor really did say, ''I can't operate on that boy.
He's my son.
'' - The doctor's telling the truth as well.
- Is he a man - Careful.
She's got a fiancé.
- I haven't.
Not any more.
All I needed was the love you gave All I needed for another day And all I ever knew Only you This is gonna take a long time And I wonder what's mine Can't take no more Wonder if you'll understand It's just the touch of your hand Behind a closed door All I needed was the love you gave All I needed for another day And all I ever knew Only you (DAVID ) A philosopher once wrote, ''You need three things to have a good life.
''One, a meaningful relationship.
''Two, a decent job of work.
''Three, to make a difference.
'' It was that third one that stressed me.
''To make a difference.
'' And I realised that I do.
Every day.
We all do.
It's how we interact with our fellow man.
Sorry, Neil, can I just have one with Neil out? Just one of the old gang.
Do you mind? - The real gang.
- Yeah.
The glory years! How would you like to be remembered? Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.
- Say ''cheese''! - Cheese! - Did that flash? - No! OK, give me a sec.
Bit of trouble here.
(AS FRANK SPENCER) Oh, I'm having a bit of trouble meself! Betty, Jessica, the cat did a whoopsie in my beret! That was Frank Spencer.
Oh, do it again! So what becomes of you, my love? When they have finally stripped you of The handbags and the glad rags That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy? Have you got everything you need? Cheers.