The Real L Word s03e02 Episode Script
Leap of Faith
Previously on The Real L Word I've kind of been living this secret life.
It's time to just stop.
I've been dating my ex-boyfriend Jay.
I can't.
I am pissed.
There's just so much between two women, and sometimes it's nice to have someone just fun and simple to enjoy your life with.
I want to take a picture with you.
I just moved back to Southern California from New York City, and I am so excited for my best friend Amanda to move to L.
A.
We're gonna be friends living together, and of course we're gonna end up hooking up.
We're friends with benefits.
Let's try Playing Crying.
Okay.
Hunter Valentine has a lot at stake.
Something big needs to happen soon, and right now, I feel like we need to figure out if this is the right line-up for the band.
Where the fuck is Somer? Are you gonna miss me on tour? Yes.
The tour with Hunter Valentine, it's supposed to be a trial period for me to see that I'm the person that they want, also in terms of my marriage with Donna and to see if our relationship can take me being away for weeks, months at a time.
It's gonna take a while, I feel like.
- To get used to this? - Yeah.
We're really, like, an adult relationship.
It's called growing up, I think, and it's kind of, like, been nice.
Sara and I have definitely done the typical lesbian forward motion, and we have moved in together.
So I am gonna propose to Sara.
My girlfriend, she thinks that, like, basically I'm, like, terrified of the thought of marriage.
- She's gonna love it.
- Thanks.
Yes.
Welcome to my office.
Good to be here.
I've called you here for this meeting - Uh-oh.
- For the following reasons.
Do you know that the proposal is only days away? - Are you ready? - No.
I've been I've had two dreams/nightmares about it in the past three days.
Last night, I had a dream that a big, giant whale came and it smushed me, and I pushed it away to try to save it and to prevent myself from being scrunched, and as I pushed it, it got slit open and it deflated.
What does that mean? I have no explanation for that.
I'm like, "do I feel deflated?" - No.
- No.
Um, I will tell you this.
Sara has zero idea.
So then you don't have to worry.
Yeah.
So Sara thinks pretty much that I'm 100% anti-marriage, so I feel like, in order to really get that zing in, I have to make the proposal completely over the top.
So of course, I came up with the hardest, most complicated plan that is probably unnecessary, but I think it will be amazing.
I executed the first step of my plan.
I have the energy healer.
I texted her last night.
And I was like, "this is Whitney, Alexis' sister.
" Um, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, if that's okay.
" Sara is really into new age things, so I'm gathering all of our friends for a spiritual healing party.
That is when I will drop to my knee and, pfft, pop that big old question.
I'm really curious to know, like, what exactly a deflated whale would mean in a dream.
"Whale to see a whale in your dream represents your intuition and awareness.
You're in tune with your sense of spirituality.
Alternatively, a whale symbolizes a relationship or business project that may be too big to handle.
" I'm gonna wear this and this.
- Do you think that's good? - I refuse to help you.
I need a hanger, though.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
I have a lot of clothes.
I don't think you need one, two, three, four closets.
Just a thought.
Well, where well, that's just, like, towels and blankets and stuff.
You're one person in here.
How many towels and blankets It's not that much.
I have a lot of guests.
- Trying to make me jealous? - Yeah.
That's a good idea before I go on tour.
- That's not funny.
- Neither was your joke.
My band Hunter Valentine is starting this tour to head down to South by Southwest.
It's one of the biggest music festivals in North America.
Leaving Ali behind to go on tour is hard.
She's nervous about me leaving 'cause she's nervous about what I will do.
What? Tour? It's gonna be fine.
Now I'm grumpy.
It's gonna be fine.
I support her and I'm I'm there for her, and I want her to be, you know, playing as many shows as possible and getting as many fans from all different states, but I worry.
I can't imagine what's going on.
Sometimes I don't want to imagine what's going on.
Come on.
We were getting along so well.
- We are getting along.
- We're still getting along.
- Don't freak out then.
- I'm not freaking out.
My relationship with Ali is non-monogamous.
I can't be in a relationship with anybody because of my job.
I'm away almost 200 dates out of the year.
Don't get in a bad mood.
I'm not.
I know I'll be over it.
I have to play every show like it's my last, and I can't do that if I'm having so many problems at home or having somebody upset at home.
With this guy doing all right.
She's like, "yeah, I'm doing fine.
" Hey, guys! "You're probably gonna want to throw your bed out.
" Guys, you want to help me pack? So we're heading out to South by Southwest, which is in Austin, Texas, and we're gonna be gone for two weeks.
On our way down, we're gonna be stopping at a few cities to build up our fan base, and our first stop's gonna be Washington, D.
C.
, and then immediately after, we're going to Charlotte, where we're gonna be playing the milestone, where even Nirvana played.
- I already miss you.
- Okay.
Be careful.
- Okay.
- Don't break anything.
- You better watch it.
- Okay.
Oh, that's just my mic, babe.
I love my baby.
When I go on tour, it's really hard for Donna, because we're we're just used to having each other there for everything.
Okay, bye, baby.
I think I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
You gonna go home and take a nap? Or maybe go to the gym.
I wake up, I make her coffee, I get her out the door.
I occasionally am good enough to pack lunch.
Whatever it is, we start our day together, and this is a huge curveball for ever the life we've built together.
Let's get the show on the road here.
- Bye, Donna.
- Bye, Donna! - Whoo! Yee-haw! - Peace out, Brooklyn.
- Hello? - I'm here.
Yay! Just leaving the house.
Sorry.
Um I'm I'm definitely coming in to help you.
Okay, send me a picture from the bathroom.
I love you so much.
Bye.
Right now, I'm going to pick up my best friend Amanda, who's flying in from New York City.
Um, I've know her for about five years, and, uh, she came out to visit a few what was it? A few months ago, and she must have loved it, 'cause she's moving out.
I must have shown her a really good time.
But last time she visited, we did hook up, um, but it's sort of like, uh, not a it's just not a big deal to us.
It's like we're not starting a relationship.
We're not, you know, anything.
It's just casual hooking up.
You know, I'm positive no one's gonna have any feelings involved.
That's what I'm excited about having someone around all the time that we can kind of do everything together and not have it be a relationship.
You know, it's just having, like, your best friend.
All right, arriving flights.
Ah! Oh, God, I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to L.
A.
Nice jeep.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my God, can you believe that I'm here? No.
- "Lamanda.
" - "Lamanda" is here.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
I had to wake up at 5:00 A.
M.
, bring my 1,800-thousand bags to the airport, load them all into the car, say good-bye to my ex.
It was just, like, really sad and depressing.
- I know.
- It was, like, horrible.
When I left New York, I definitely left a girl behind, which was hard for me, because it's sort of that question of, should I be doing this? Should I not be doing this? But at the same time, it's just, for me it was that I'm not gonna stay in a city because of a person.
It was a hard decision, but I think I made the right move.
Are you guys gonna talk? - Yeah.
- You are? Is she gonna come visit you? - No.
- Are you sure? Um, she said she's not.
Whatever.
She's not staying at my house.
- It's our house.
- No.
I'm putting my foot down.
This is Lamanda residence, okay? Sorry.
And, like, half of my stuff is going in your closet because your closet's bigger.
Speaking of, um You're going back in the closet? I'm going back in the closet.
Everyone, I'm going back in the closet.
Babe, sorry, I forgot to tell you.
I was getting my wheat-grass shot the other day, and I met this woman who is so fuckin' dope.
- A cougar? - No, babe, not a cougar.
- She was not cougin' me.
- Was she cougin' you? She was in the middle of talking to someone else, and we started talking about the dogs, and then she was talking about what she did, which is creative visualization workshops - and energy clearing.
- Ooh.
- Awesome.
- She does these great things.
Like, she'll get groups of friends together and, like, cleanse everyone together, and, like, get all the negative energy out, and she's, like, down to do it with our friends, which I think could be entertaining.
- Are we doing it? - Yeah.
Awesome.
I asked her, and she was, like, "yes.
" So, we can do it this weekend.
That's awesome.
I've never done anything like that, like, ever before.
I've never done anything like that either.
Basically, the academy award goes to this guy right here.
Sara has zero clue that I'm proposing, and especially not at this random spiritual event.
Mmm! Baby.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Call me later.
- I will.
- Is she helping? - Yeah, she's helping me.
- Working you out? - Yeah.
Dummy, I didn't know you were working out.
Rose is one of my closest friends.
She's always there for me.
She's always looking out for my best interest, and when I'm going through things, she always has my back.
I think that people think bisexuals are slutty, you know what I mean? Like, they don't know what they want.
They just want both.
They just want to bang whoever.
It's not like that.
It's a confusing place to be.
I didn't really know that I was until I really met somebody that made me feel that way.
- Does that make sense? - No, it does.
Until you meet somebody I'm telling you, he's a great guy.
I love him.
Yeah, until I met Jay, and I went, "fuck, I have feelings for this guy.
It's a guy, but I have feelings.
" Where does that lay in my, like, label, as a lesbian? I would never have said that I was a bisexual, honestly.
I always considered myself a lesbian.
But now, it's a weird thing to say, because I'm not used to saying it at all, and I'm not comfortable with it, but I guess I have to say that I would be bisexual.
You probably thought I was gonna punch you in your forehead.
I thought you were gonna be, like yeah.
I was so like, yeah.
'Cause I'm such a lesbian, right? But for me, it's like, dude, I don't care.
I just care about the fact that you're happy, whether it's a penis injecting in you or whether your mouth is on a vagina, whatever the whatever's going on.
I mean, obviously, like, for me, I couldn't be physical with a guy.
But I could probably fall in love with some guy.
I mean, it's love is love, and you don't care.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? And when it comes to the physical aspects of it - You're - I mean You are a man, right? Me and Jay are on the same team.
You're not on our team.
He's all about the three things that I'm about WPP.
WPP.
Work, party, and pussy.
Let's talk about balls.
Like, what do you do with them? I don't do anything with them.
I like the penis, but the balls is weird.
I don't want it in my it's weird.
Okay, like, obviously, a lot of my my friends are dudes.
Mm-hmm.
And, like, the number one thing, putting it in a hole is a hole.
I put it in my mouth.
You have to know how to do it.
You want me to suck your dick and show you? - Maybe.
- I know you.
Turn it up! No! Say no to crack.
Tonight, we're playing the first show of the tour in Washington, D.
C.
We're playing the oldest lesbian bar in North America, Phase One.
- Laura, what are you eating? - Broccoli.
Uhh! That stinks! Touring with anybody is intense, and you get to know each other very quickly.
Oh, my God.
It smells like your diaper farts.
Oh, fuck! It's an intense situation, and personal space is something you lose.
Kiyomi, you're moving around so much, like a little kid.
Why don't you sit in the back? - Shut the fuck up.
- You shut the fuck up.
Don't tell me to fucking shut up.
I want her to shut the fuck up too.
Yay, we're here.
Look at the marquee, look at the marquee.
They found enough letters to spell "Hunter Valentine.
" We drive all day to get to our destination city.
We unload the van, figure out what crappy club we're playing, how bad the sound is.
If you can't hear me now, you're fucked.
You never really know what you're gonna get when you pull into a new city.
You know, the main point of all of the work that we do is to build that fan base, showcase these new songs and this new line-up, and rock out and have fun.
'cause it helps me deal it helps me cope Thank you, Washington.
Laura and I have developed a system that we call regional reps, and that basically means that, you know, when you go to said city, you have a girl that you see in that city every time, and that becomes your regional rep for that area.
I think we're doing pretty well with the system, and, uh, the band is gonna continue to work hard to, um, find reps in all areas of the country.
Mmm! I would Oh, my God.
I would just love to, you know? I would love to satisfy you.
I gotta go call my girlfriend.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Well, what's been going on with you? Nothing, really.
How are you feeling about me being away? I just miss you and I want to see you.
I miss you too.
Have you been good? I'm always good.
Then I'm glad.
That's good.
I don't really trust Ali.
Um, there was a point where I came back from tour, and I guess she was kind of angry and she slept with one of my friends.
Even though we weren't together, like, it was it seemed like it was kind of vindictive.
Like, there's so many people out there, and you're gonna really? I'm trying to trust you.
How do I trust you? Well I just don't, right? Okay, I gotta go, but I'll talk to you later.
All right.
Good talk.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Welcome.
- Hey.
- How are you? - What is that? That's, like, a massive dildo.
That is wine that's already in glasses.
Amanda just arrived, and I'm having some friends over to welcome her into Los Angeles.
- Hi.
- Hi, lovey.
You're finally here.
It's only taken 50 hours.
There was there was some traffic.
It's fine.
The night I met Lauren, she was, like we were wasted.
- Were we really that drunk? - Do you have to ask? - Really? - I don't know.
I just remember we made out for, like, five hours.
I don't remember how drunk we were.
Is Lauren a good kisser? Yeah, I'd say so.
She has some large lips on her mouth.
"On her mouth"? Oh, my God.
Great, Amanda.
We've maybe slept together sometimes.
It happens.
Could we also talk about the fact that I came here today and Lauren purposely left my mattress out in the backyard, so it got rained on, so that I am now forced to sleep in her bed? Everyone, let's do a cheers.
Let's do a cheers to Amanda being here.
- Yeah.
- Amanda, I love you.
- Cheers.
- Literally.
Best time of our lives right now.
Love you.
That'd be a fun party, yeah? - Oh! - Jenn dyed it yesterday.
I wonder what she writes about.
- Is she? - Yeah.
What time did you guys get home from the airport? - Uh, noon-ish.
- Yeah.
And you guys have been drinking the whole time? No, we started drinking Amanda, when did we start when did we start drinking? Let me go outside for a second.
I wonder what she writes about.
Oh, my God, you're so rude.
You guys will get to sleep in the same bed, though.
That's cute.
I swear to God, she purposely Probably.
Welcome.
I tried I tried warning you.
Sorry.
I met Britenelle on a past trip to L.
A.
, and, you know, I really like her.
I think she's a sweet girl.
We're sort of getting to know each other and exploring what's going on and how we vibe together.
- You guys home? - Oh, there she is.
I just had some pizza.
Did you eat at all? Why? I just don't want you to why are you so concerned about what I'm eating? Because we haven't eaten all day.
It's cool.
It's really cold out.
- You want to go inside? - Yeah, please.
I'm fucking freezing.
I don't want to say any bad things about Britenelle, but I've heard a lot of things about her getting too intense on girls, having too high of expectations, and I don't want Amanda to get caught up in that mess.
Really? No.
I can't.
For the thank you.
Cool.
Fuckin' Christ.
Hey, did I what did I tell you about this person? Hey, we're not talking about this.
What did I tell you about this person? Trouble.
Just put that food down.
No, eat your food.
You're right, that was that was rude of me.
Is that the I-want-to-have-sex face? You're so impatient.
Really, you are.
You want me to finish eating so bad.
I think I'm gonna start taking my strap-ons and strapping them to the wall so that when I walk by, I can just fuck myself.
'Cause you're not around a lot.
You don't drive down here a lot.
What's a girl to do? I recently moved to Long Beach, and Jay lives in Hollywood, so I just see him a whole lot less now.
Why does it always have to be about sex? Because that's all I care about.
Apparently.
Goddamn.
My mom the other day goes, "well, are you guys gonna have sex? Da-da-da.
" And I was like, "I hope so.
" I go, "sometimes he gets tired, mom", "and he just wants to, like, lay there and have me rub his head.
I'm not used to it.
" I'm like, "it's been years since I had this kind of dick.
" So, here's what I'm gonna need.
I'm gonna need you to pull your pants down.
We have great sex.
We just have really good chemistry, and I enjoy having sex with him.
I'm not thinking about it.
I'm not overanalyzing it.
It's just fun, and I love him, and it feels good.
And it's different.
I mean, it's different to be with a man.
It's different to be with a woman.
Both are good.
They're just different.
Turn the light off.
It's bedtime.
I need you.
I feel like we're in a time crunch.
What's left? Well, I need to check out the location and make sure it's kosher, and figure out Kosher? You're not even Jewish.
I just need to make sure things look good, and I don't know if there's room for, like, putting flowers or having tea candles, because she thinks it's an energy thing, so it could go hand in hand with like, I'm always paranoid that my phone is on.
Okay, good.
This engagement is very stressful.
Sara is very much involved in things I do often, and it's like having to make up stories or, like, cover my tracks while I'm trying to do this, like, nice plan.
It's, like, so much to internalize.
I also have to, like, print out a list of positive affirmations.
Because, you know, like, the thing is, like, what sh I love that Sara's, like, texting me right now, "what's my baby doing?" Tell her you're you're spending time with me.
Sara is definitely one of those people that likes to check in often, so I have to premeditate my responses for a variety of questions.
I'm gonna write up with you positive affirmations that's everybody's gonna be handed out.
So we're gonna, like, go around in a circle and read them or something, out loud? Yeah.
Talking about, like, going above and beyond, it some might call it OCD.
You're over-thinking it, you know? Yeah, I've been over-thinking this whole thing.
Have you seen the flyer? The flyer's on the table.
What? I've gone to such great lengths to make this story legit.
I've made a flyer for this said spiritual healer.
That is elaborate, but one can never be too careful.
Oh, this is amazing.
It's even oddly bad, like, how those flyers, like I know.
I did it on purpose.
Like, how the gym flyers look oddly bad - with, like, weird writing.
- Uh-huh.
"See it, feel it.
This is where action begins.
" Yeah, dude.
I mean, hey.
Hey.
You're all set, dude.
You just have to literally stuff envelopes.
I know, and these, I don't even have to lick 'em.
I just peel it and stick.
- Hello? - Hi, baby.
It's about fucking time you called me.
I did call you.
I called you half an hour ago from Kiyomi's phone.
No, you didn't.
No missed calls.
- Check your voice-mail.
- Okay, I believe you.
I did.
I miss you.
And then I emailed you right after.
- Okay, forgiven.
- That was easy.
I miss you like crazy, and it's only been two days.
I know.
I think that when Donna and I got married, the expectation was we always take each other into consideration, whatever decision that we make, and all of a sudden, I went from this distinct direction of us talking about sperm banks and having children and "when are we gonna do that?" To, I'm gonna be away.
I'm not gonna be in her life every day if if this you know, if we if I stay with Hunter Valentine and we're touring all the time.
Hey, when are you gonna Skype? I want to Skype.
- Uh, maybe tonight.
- Yay! And if not to if not tonight, definitely tomorrow.
Tonight's kind of screwed up.
We're, like, really late.
We were supposed to get up at 9:00 and drive, but Kiyomi was really plastered last night.
Yeah, that's not cool.
We're leaving! We're walking out the door.
All right, well, I gotta I gotta run.
- All right, I love you.
- I love you, baby.
I love you.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
You almost have it.
You know Doing a good job.
After last night, I quit.
- I quit drinking.
- Really? So it's morning after the Phase One show, and we sort of slept in, partied a little bit later than we thought or anticipated, so we're having a hard time getting it together in the morning.
Where did that coffee go? Inside? - Yeah.
You want a cup? - No, that will make me barf.
No, let's not do that.
Okay, we gotta redo this.
It's Kiyomi's love note.
It says, "Rachel, the one with the short blond hair.
" Phone number.
"In D.
C.
when you are.
Smiley face.
" Regional rep! That's not nice, Kiyomi.
I didn't throw it! Let's go! All right.
North Carolina.
- Ow! - Get out of here.
Ow! Cool, everybody just grab everything but the one can of paint.
It's mine.
It's really heavy.
- Don't trip on that one.
- It's fine.
Don't worry, Brit's just having a really good day.
I'm just a bull dyke.
What about a hairy bear? Who was a hairy bear? I'm, like, really big on making where I'm living, like, feel me, so we're redoing the house, and I'm, like, fully nesting.
Wait, how are we starting? I knew Amanda was gonna come in here and want to change a bunch of stuff in the house.
That's her personality, but it's just the greatest feeling, finally having her in town and getting our lives kind of set up together.
I would honestly rather drink than do this right now.
Well, I got us I got us outfits, okay? Oh, cool.
This is, like, a one size fits all.
Are you serious? This is not happening right now.
Wait, that looks like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
And it's hooded.
Can we have sex right now? I'm so turned on.
Whose bright idea was this? Oh, my God, human condoms.
Oh, my God, it's so hot in this.
Lauren hates the fact that this is the first time the two of us have ever, "A," lived in a house together, and "B," been single at the same time, and already, I'm getting into something or not getting into something.
I don't really know, but she doesn't like it.
All right.
Hold on, let me just get the nose.
Mix it.
Yeah, we don't have a mixer.
Hold on.
I have something we can use.
I just remembered I have this.
- What is that? - Spank someone happy.
It's funny, it looks like it's in mint condition.
Do you want a cigarette before we start? Yeah.
There's definitely a tension building between the two of them.
Lauren is very bad at hiding her feelings.
And Britenelle is very vocal about her feelings.
So between the two of them, it's sort of like this passive-aggressive meets aggressive, and it's funny.
I mean, in a weird way I feel like I'm being, like, fought over.
What is with this handle though? Honestly, like, if you're getting into the house and you're really drunk, you can just hold on while you're putting the key in the door.
The last people that lived here were old.
Yeah, so, wow, way to be a downer.
Like, "hey, what's up with those plants?" Okay.
Just explaining the handle.
- Oh.
- Not being a downer.
- Huh? - Not being a downer.
What? I think your necklace is backwards.
- Or is it not? - No, it's not.
For some reason when I saw earlier it looked different.
You got something to say about it? On point, look at that.
Okay, let's go paint.
- Yes.
- Let's get this over with.
What do we got left? An hour? Uh, more than an hour.
What happened? I don't know what happened last night.
I don't know, but that's why we're so late today.
I'm really surprised that Kiyomi partied hard the first night and woke up late.
I get ragged on all the time for being late if I'm a couple minutes late to practice.
But if you're gonna give me a really hard time all the time, you can't be the one drunk and hungover and showing up late for shows.
We're so late.
I guess we were, like, an hour late.
Which is not normal for us.
But, um, shit happens.
Brought your stuff? We good? Yeah, I moved mine over here.
You guys, we have, like, ten minutes to do this.
- Okay.
- Not even.
You're up.
It's in there.
Sanchez.
There's, like, six people in there.
Milestone is this dirty house.
It's this divey place.
But it's the mecca of rock venues.
Sonic Youth played there, Nirvana played there.
Everybody who's toured the east coast has probably come through there at some point.
Hey, guys, what's going on? You're so freakin' quiet.
There we go.
It is very frustrating because we're running late, and there are only ten people that come out.
I'm gonna be really honest with you.
We're severely hungover.
Can we have some shots of Jameson on the stage? Is that possible? How many? - Four.
- Doubles? Uh-uh.
No doubles.
We always like coming to Charlotte because it cures our hangover.
Yeah.
With another one.
We're Hunter Valentine.
We're gonna play some music for you.
- Do it.
- Okay? tell all my friends I'm not home I'd rather go this alone my mind been blown to pieces my life an empty thesis all those things I thought I stood for left outside your boyfriend's front door My mentality for playing live is to play every show the same way.
So if you're playing to 3,000 people, you should be playing the same way that you do for that as you would play for, like, 30 people or 3 people.
So we really try to stay focused and not let the size of the crowd affect our performance.
Thank you.
she's fighting off her last demise trying to live a simple life The show, the beginning of it sounds like it's working out just fine.
Then I notice that Somer is kinda like bending down on the floor, and I realize that she's not playing.
they thought I'd save her, be the one but I got issues of my own 'cause her world's falling and she don't ca-aa-are she don't ca-aa-are she don't care she don't care she dragged me in the bathroom stall said her downfall was my fault Somer was running off the stage, um, you know, looking for certain, like, quick fixes that basically wasn't coming together.
Do you have an extra adapter? Yeah, let me plug this in right here.
She don't care What the fuck are you like, are you serious? Her equipment was obviously not working.
And I don't feel like as a performer you should draw more attention to that because it's distracting.
Wow.
Give it up for the band! No fucking idea what's going on.
Do you think that's, like, too light? - Come on.
- Don't make fun of me though.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna get better, I'm gonna get better.
I've been hanging out with Jay and his friends.
Wait, look, they're gonna play at the same time.
And the nice thing about going out with straight couples is that not every single person dated or fucked your girlfriend.
You actually get to meet people and other couples that haven't been incestual within the community.
Wow! Mike, that just ruined your perfect game.
This is my child.
What what what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I want your child.
Gently 'cause it's my baby.
That's how you do it! Watch and learn, bitches.
I love Jay and, like, I definitely, like, put myself in the thought of, like, I want to marry him and have his kid.
I think that me and Jay would make beautiful kids.
He is somebody that I would like to have a life with.
I mean, we're not getting any younger.
All right, we're gonna go home and fuck so Nice.
What about the child with that kind of language? We're trying to get a child.
That's why you have to go home and fuck.
We're not trying to get a child.
We are together, as one, trying.
Aren't we, baby? No, we're not.
- I wasn't aware of that.
- So it's a solo thing.
Do I not get a say in this? No, sweetie, this isn't about you.
- Don't be selfish.
- You want one.
- Yes.
- You want one.
You want one.
- Baby.
- Group baby! Romi's a nester.
She definitely wants to, like, settle down, move in, let's have some kids.
Like, let's get this shit cracking.
I'm like, "hey, slow down.
" I'm not a lesbian, I'm a boy.
Okay, what kind of conversation is this? The kind that we have.
The kind that makes me wear condoms every Maybe we can finally do our vision boards.
Let's do it.
Are you gonna make your own vision board or are we making joint ones? Um, well, let's see.
I would probably want mine to be pink or something.
Oh, trick.
Sara wants to make vision boards.
So I want to keep her occupied to distract her from what I'm planning.
The funny thing is Sara is like a wild child, you know? But she's obsessed with self-improvement things.
If it involves patchouli, nag champa, some type of "om" sound, she's down with it.
So health, finances.
Health, wealth, love, beauty, business, art.
Like, are you supposed to, like, lay things out first and then make it I mean, how do you wanna do it? This one's my favorite one.
Hey! Baby-making.
Oh, shit.
Making the baby.
- We better get practicing.
- We should.
Look at this.
"Before I have kids, I want to " Before you have kids do you Want to marry me? Are we getting married or are we just not gonna do it because we're against marriage or you're against marriage? Would you? No, babe.
And No, we're not getting married? - No, no.
- Okay.
Sara wants to get married, and she doesn't understand why I'm not making forward motions.
Like, listen, girl, trust me.
I'm trying to do something good for you, so just cut me some slack.
Come here.
I'm not putting any pressure on you with the "ever.
" But I want you to know that I won't ever leave you.
'Cause I love you a lot.
I love you too.
I know that you and I are the ones that have been doing this the longest.
And, like, maybe we need to set a standard.
Fucking around is not okay.
Like, it's not okay, man.
There's a lot of technical difficulties.
The gear that Somer has is not working.
I wanna get her stuff fixed.
I do want to get her stuff fixed.
But I also feel like in the middle of a set, if shit is not working you shouldn't be running like it just it's a distraction.
I'm disappointed in me and us.
I'm disappointed in us.
We really sucked.
The songs were terrible.
Everything was it was brutal.
- Yeah, it was pretty bad.
- I agree.
It was the worst show that I've ever played in my life, I think.
This isn't a really good feeling to have when our goal is to get to South by Southwest where we have five shows in three days.
It's like the most insane festival.
And when we're already having issues with gear, it could just make you look really bad.
Like, half our set is on this keyboard, and it's fucked up.
It was working before we toured.
- It was working last night.
- Yeah.
So sometime in the van, or, like, when someone took it out of the van, or when someone shoved some shit on top of it in the van, it got broken.
I mean, look.
This is my child I've just dissected.
Yeah, you know what, I think maybe it might have been a bad idea to do this while I was drinking.
Hunter Valentine can front money, but we don't have whatever we're making on this tour is what we can pay for.
But if it's over $100, we can't afford it.
So that's all I'm saying.
Like, as much as you don't have money, we really don't have anything.
We're tapped out.
We're so tapped out I want to cry.
We're supposed to be a family, right? Like, you know, Hunter Valentine said "we're a family.
Whatever your problems are, are my problems.
" So here's the pinnacle of what that means.
And I just felt, like, right away it wasn't like, "hey, I'm gonna help you out here.
" It was like, "sorry.
Your shit, you fix it.
" We are family.
When you're in this band, when we're all here together, we're one fucking hundred percent family.
Then don't give me a hard time.
I'm not giving you a hard time.
I'm just trying to get you to understand that I'm in the exact same boat as you.
I don't want you to feel like we don't have I'm not trying to No, and I don't want you to feel like you're putting me in any sort of position, 'cause you're not.
If my shit breaks - I know how you feel.
- I want help.
I've sacrificed as much as I can.
I know.
I can't not only not be working, not being with my wife, and having all the things that I've worked my whole life to buy any pay for and build up to musically be broken.
Just I can't sacrifice all this stuff for the band and be on tour and come back with nothing.
- Okay, you guys have fun.
- Lauren, come here.
No, Lauren, don't even think about it.
You're wearing a fucking rabbit vest.
Come over here.
This is disgusting.
It should be dry.
Okay, grab your end.
I'm not gonna carry this like a bull dyke.
- All right.
- Lauren, get your You know I'm not strong, okay? Help me.
Oh, my God.
Don't step in any dog shit.
- Hold on.
- No! Oh, come on! You're an asshole! Pick this up right now.
This is disgusting.
Now it's covered in shit.
- Yep.
- Ew, it smells.
Please no dog shit on my mattress.
I'm gonna gag.
I think I touched it.
No, there's poop on my hand.
Let's just do this, the two of us.
We don't need her poop-ass face.
Tilt it to the left.
Ow! Move out of the fucking way.
Whoa, butch.
- What are you doing? - Whoa.
Put it down.
Now where's my keys? Bark, bark at me again.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was barking at her.
And I'm just gonna sleep alone.
Because things just didn't work out for me tonight, did they? I'm so over Britenelle at this point.
Why can't she just leave and go back to her house? You know, like, tonight it was just like the two of them hanging out all night.
It was just like, what are you doing? Like, you're turning this into a relationship, you know? That's what it seems like to me.
So I'm really excited about going to this energy healing.
I think that we could use this for our own personal growth, and it could be really good.
It's super cozy.
Yeah, that looks cozy.
I'm not nervous to propose, I don't think.
Because I truly love Sara.
But, you know, I'm not gonna lie, I'm human.
The words "cold feet" exist for a reason, you know? It's so cozy here.
- It is cozy.
- I love all these people.
Yay.
How is everyone doing tonight? I will be your energy master, if you will, your healer, and your creative visual teacher.
What I'm gonna have all of you do is just close your eyes for about 30 seconds.
And I really want you to focus on something that you want in your life, something positive, from a job, a relationship, the courage to, you know, grab on to a new venture, and I want you to just kinda keep it to yourself for a little while.
Because what that's gonna do is we're gonna carry on that and use that as your own internal focal point.
Have we all got something positive that we'd like to focus on? Excellent, excellent.
At this moment, my heart is pounding.
I actually can't tell if it's pounding super fast or if it's just one continuous pound.
What happened to, like, one-on-one on a beach? Who thought of this? So what we're going to do, a deep breath in.
And just let it all out.
Are we all feeling relaxed? Are we feeling more comfortable with the exercises? So what do you want to do tonight? Let's do something sweet.
Okay, you mean, like, hold hands, listen to the waves crash? Something nice.
Something other than seeing you quickly for dinner and fucking and - Sleeping.
- Sleeping.
But you love it when I hold you.
I do like it when you hold me.
But it's just not that often.
Well, let's do And sometimes it's because I'm moving my ass into you and you have no other choice but to then grab tight.
I always grab tight, 'cause you have those boobs.
The thing that has kept me and Jay together is our sense of humor.
It really is our relationship.
He makes me laugh, you know, harder than anybody.
But there's got to be more.
- How's work? - Uh, it's fun.
- I like it.
- Are you leaving town? Uh, possibly end of next week - or the week after.
- For how long? It sounds like three days in Atlanta, three days in Houston, three days in Dallas.
I send you 1,000 naked pictures, and then we Skype, that's our relationship - when we're gone.
- Yep.
I don't consider it a secret that I'm always traveling.
I travel you know, 40% of the year I'm on the road.
But Romi's coming from a relationship where she had everybody's undivided attention whenever she wanted it.
But she'll eventually understand it, she'll get used to it.
It's just one of those things.
Like, Romi's mad at me one day, and then I'll take her out to dinner and she'll be happy the next.
So will you meet Alyssa, though, and the girls? Yeah, of course.
Will you start becoming a part of my life? Again? You've never been a part of it again.
I always meet all your friends, and I'm friends with all them, and I like them all.
They all like you.
You're lucky.
So what I have here are some envelopes.
And in these envelopes there is a positive affirmation for each and every one of you.
Open up the envelope and then read the affirmation out loud.
Yay.
There you go.
Let's see what I have here.
There we go for you.
For you.
For you.
Would the first person, would you like to start us out and stand right here and read out the affirmation to the group.
"Loving myself heals my life.
I nourish my mind, body, and soul.
" I feel the feeling my energy.
Ah.
"I'm in a confident place to make decisions about my future.
I know who I am and I know what I want.
" - Yeah.
- That's good.
Why don't you go? You go.
All right.
"Turn and face the person you hold most dear and open your heart.
" Baby, I love you a lot.
And I've known since the first time I saw you.
Will you marry me? Is this real? Oh, my God.
Baby, oh, my God.
- You didn't say yes.
- Yes! I knew it.
This was, uh, a ruse, I must admit.
But I wanted all of my closest friends to be here and part of it.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I had no idea.
Baby, is this for real? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I don't even know.
It's like there's not really any words to describe the feeling of that, because it's just I mean, I almost feel like I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing person.
Baby.
I love it.
You like it? I love it.
It's beautiful.
I didn't think it was possible to be even happier than I already am.
Babe.
I hope you are.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
Honestly, the engagement was pretty much everything I could have imagined and more.
It was very romantic.
You were highly romantic.
Thanks.
You did want to marry me.
Yeah, I did.
Congratulations!
It's time to just stop.
I've been dating my ex-boyfriend Jay.
I can't.
I am pissed.
There's just so much between two women, and sometimes it's nice to have someone just fun and simple to enjoy your life with.
I want to take a picture with you.
I just moved back to Southern California from New York City, and I am so excited for my best friend Amanda to move to L.
A.
We're gonna be friends living together, and of course we're gonna end up hooking up.
We're friends with benefits.
Let's try Playing Crying.
Okay.
Hunter Valentine has a lot at stake.
Something big needs to happen soon, and right now, I feel like we need to figure out if this is the right line-up for the band.
Where the fuck is Somer? Are you gonna miss me on tour? Yes.
The tour with Hunter Valentine, it's supposed to be a trial period for me to see that I'm the person that they want, also in terms of my marriage with Donna and to see if our relationship can take me being away for weeks, months at a time.
It's gonna take a while, I feel like.
- To get used to this? - Yeah.
We're really, like, an adult relationship.
It's called growing up, I think, and it's kind of, like, been nice.
Sara and I have definitely done the typical lesbian forward motion, and we have moved in together.
So I am gonna propose to Sara.
My girlfriend, she thinks that, like, basically I'm, like, terrified of the thought of marriage.
- She's gonna love it.
- Thanks.
Yes.
Welcome to my office.
Good to be here.
I've called you here for this meeting - Uh-oh.
- For the following reasons.
Do you know that the proposal is only days away? - Are you ready? - No.
I've been I've had two dreams/nightmares about it in the past three days.
Last night, I had a dream that a big, giant whale came and it smushed me, and I pushed it away to try to save it and to prevent myself from being scrunched, and as I pushed it, it got slit open and it deflated.
What does that mean? I have no explanation for that.
I'm like, "do I feel deflated?" - No.
- No.
Um, I will tell you this.
Sara has zero idea.
So then you don't have to worry.
Yeah.
So Sara thinks pretty much that I'm 100% anti-marriage, so I feel like, in order to really get that zing in, I have to make the proposal completely over the top.
So of course, I came up with the hardest, most complicated plan that is probably unnecessary, but I think it will be amazing.
I executed the first step of my plan.
I have the energy healer.
I texted her last night.
And I was like, "this is Whitney, Alexis' sister.
" Um, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, if that's okay.
" Sara is really into new age things, so I'm gathering all of our friends for a spiritual healing party.
That is when I will drop to my knee and, pfft, pop that big old question.
I'm really curious to know, like, what exactly a deflated whale would mean in a dream.
"Whale to see a whale in your dream represents your intuition and awareness.
You're in tune with your sense of spirituality.
Alternatively, a whale symbolizes a relationship or business project that may be too big to handle.
" I'm gonna wear this and this.
- Do you think that's good? - I refuse to help you.
I need a hanger, though.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
I have a lot of clothes.
I don't think you need one, two, three, four closets.
Just a thought.
Well, where well, that's just, like, towels and blankets and stuff.
You're one person in here.
How many towels and blankets It's not that much.
I have a lot of guests.
- Trying to make me jealous? - Yeah.
That's a good idea before I go on tour.
- That's not funny.
- Neither was your joke.
My band Hunter Valentine is starting this tour to head down to South by Southwest.
It's one of the biggest music festivals in North America.
Leaving Ali behind to go on tour is hard.
She's nervous about me leaving 'cause she's nervous about what I will do.
What? Tour? It's gonna be fine.
Now I'm grumpy.
It's gonna be fine.
I support her and I'm I'm there for her, and I want her to be, you know, playing as many shows as possible and getting as many fans from all different states, but I worry.
I can't imagine what's going on.
Sometimes I don't want to imagine what's going on.
Come on.
We were getting along so well.
- We are getting along.
- We're still getting along.
- Don't freak out then.
- I'm not freaking out.
My relationship with Ali is non-monogamous.
I can't be in a relationship with anybody because of my job.
I'm away almost 200 dates out of the year.
Don't get in a bad mood.
I'm not.
I know I'll be over it.
I have to play every show like it's my last, and I can't do that if I'm having so many problems at home or having somebody upset at home.
With this guy doing all right.
She's like, "yeah, I'm doing fine.
" Hey, guys! "You're probably gonna want to throw your bed out.
" Guys, you want to help me pack? So we're heading out to South by Southwest, which is in Austin, Texas, and we're gonna be gone for two weeks.
On our way down, we're gonna be stopping at a few cities to build up our fan base, and our first stop's gonna be Washington, D.
C.
, and then immediately after, we're going to Charlotte, where we're gonna be playing the milestone, where even Nirvana played.
- I already miss you.
- Okay.
Be careful.
- Okay.
- Don't break anything.
- You better watch it.
- Okay.
Oh, that's just my mic, babe.
I love my baby.
When I go on tour, it's really hard for Donna, because we're we're just used to having each other there for everything.
Okay, bye, baby.
I think I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
You gonna go home and take a nap? Or maybe go to the gym.
I wake up, I make her coffee, I get her out the door.
I occasionally am good enough to pack lunch.
Whatever it is, we start our day together, and this is a huge curveball for ever the life we've built together.
Let's get the show on the road here.
- Bye, Donna.
- Bye, Donna! - Whoo! Yee-haw! - Peace out, Brooklyn.
- Hello? - I'm here.
Yay! Just leaving the house.
Sorry.
Um I'm I'm definitely coming in to help you.
Okay, send me a picture from the bathroom.
I love you so much.
Bye.
Right now, I'm going to pick up my best friend Amanda, who's flying in from New York City.
Um, I've know her for about five years, and, uh, she came out to visit a few what was it? A few months ago, and she must have loved it, 'cause she's moving out.
I must have shown her a really good time.
But last time she visited, we did hook up, um, but it's sort of like, uh, not a it's just not a big deal to us.
It's like we're not starting a relationship.
We're not, you know, anything.
It's just casual hooking up.
You know, I'm positive no one's gonna have any feelings involved.
That's what I'm excited about having someone around all the time that we can kind of do everything together and not have it be a relationship.
You know, it's just having, like, your best friend.
All right, arriving flights.
Ah! Oh, God, I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to L.
A.
Nice jeep.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my God, can you believe that I'm here? No.
- "Lamanda.
" - "Lamanda" is here.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
I had to wake up at 5:00 A.
M.
, bring my 1,800-thousand bags to the airport, load them all into the car, say good-bye to my ex.
It was just, like, really sad and depressing.
- I know.
- It was, like, horrible.
When I left New York, I definitely left a girl behind, which was hard for me, because it's sort of that question of, should I be doing this? Should I not be doing this? But at the same time, it's just, for me it was that I'm not gonna stay in a city because of a person.
It was a hard decision, but I think I made the right move.
Are you guys gonna talk? - Yeah.
- You are? Is she gonna come visit you? - No.
- Are you sure? Um, she said she's not.
Whatever.
She's not staying at my house.
- It's our house.
- No.
I'm putting my foot down.
This is Lamanda residence, okay? Sorry.
And, like, half of my stuff is going in your closet because your closet's bigger.
Speaking of, um You're going back in the closet? I'm going back in the closet.
Everyone, I'm going back in the closet.
Babe, sorry, I forgot to tell you.
I was getting my wheat-grass shot the other day, and I met this woman who is so fuckin' dope.
- A cougar? - No, babe, not a cougar.
- She was not cougin' me.
- Was she cougin' you? She was in the middle of talking to someone else, and we started talking about the dogs, and then she was talking about what she did, which is creative visualization workshops - and energy clearing.
- Ooh.
- Awesome.
- She does these great things.
Like, she'll get groups of friends together and, like, cleanse everyone together, and, like, get all the negative energy out, and she's, like, down to do it with our friends, which I think could be entertaining.
- Are we doing it? - Yeah.
Awesome.
I asked her, and she was, like, "yes.
" So, we can do it this weekend.
That's awesome.
I've never done anything like that, like, ever before.
I've never done anything like that either.
Basically, the academy award goes to this guy right here.
Sara has zero clue that I'm proposing, and especially not at this random spiritual event.
Mmm! Baby.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Call me later.
- I will.
- Is she helping? - Yeah, she's helping me.
- Working you out? - Yeah.
Dummy, I didn't know you were working out.
Rose is one of my closest friends.
She's always there for me.
She's always looking out for my best interest, and when I'm going through things, she always has my back.
I think that people think bisexuals are slutty, you know what I mean? Like, they don't know what they want.
They just want both.
They just want to bang whoever.
It's not like that.
It's a confusing place to be.
I didn't really know that I was until I really met somebody that made me feel that way.
- Does that make sense? - No, it does.
Until you meet somebody I'm telling you, he's a great guy.
I love him.
Yeah, until I met Jay, and I went, "fuck, I have feelings for this guy.
It's a guy, but I have feelings.
" Where does that lay in my, like, label, as a lesbian? I would never have said that I was a bisexual, honestly.
I always considered myself a lesbian.
But now, it's a weird thing to say, because I'm not used to saying it at all, and I'm not comfortable with it, but I guess I have to say that I would be bisexual.
You probably thought I was gonna punch you in your forehead.
I thought you were gonna be, like yeah.
I was so like, yeah.
'Cause I'm such a lesbian, right? But for me, it's like, dude, I don't care.
I just care about the fact that you're happy, whether it's a penis injecting in you or whether your mouth is on a vagina, whatever the whatever's going on.
I mean, obviously, like, for me, I couldn't be physical with a guy.
But I could probably fall in love with some guy.
I mean, it's love is love, and you don't care.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? And when it comes to the physical aspects of it - You're - I mean You are a man, right? Me and Jay are on the same team.
You're not on our team.
He's all about the three things that I'm about WPP.
WPP.
Work, party, and pussy.
Let's talk about balls.
Like, what do you do with them? I don't do anything with them.
I like the penis, but the balls is weird.
I don't want it in my it's weird.
Okay, like, obviously, a lot of my my friends are dudes.
Mm-hmm.
And, like, the number one thing, putting it in a hole is a hole.
I put it in my mouth.
You have to know how to do it.
You want me to suck your dick and show you? - Maybe.
- I know you.
Turn it up! No! Say no to crack.
Tonight, we're playing the first show of the tour in Washington, D.
C.
We're playing the oldest lesbian bar in North America, Phase One.
- Laura, what are you eating? - Broccoli.
Uhh! That stinks! Touring with anybody is intense, and you get to know each other very quickly.
Oh, my God.
It smells like your diaper farts.
Oh, fuck! It's an intense situation, and personal space is something you lose.
Kiyomi, you're moving around so much, like a little kid.
Why don't you sit in the back? - Shut the fuck up.
- You shut the fuck up.
Don't tell me to fucking shut up.
I want her to shut the fuck up too.
Yay, we're here.
Look at the marquee, look at the marquee.
They found enough letters to spell "Hunter Valentine.
" We drive all day to get to our destination city.
We unload the van, figure out what crappy club we're playing, how bad the sound is.
If you can't hear me now, you're fucked.
You never really know what you're gonna get when you pull into a new city.
You know, the main point of all of the work that we do is to build that fan base, showcase these new songs and this new line-up, and rock out and have fun.
'cause it helps me deal it helps me cope Thank you, Washington.
Laura and I have developed a system that we call regional reps, and that basically means that, you know, when you go to said city, you have a girl that you see in that city every time, and that becomes your regional rep for that area.
I think we're doing pretty well with the system, and, uh, the band is gonna continue to work hard to, um, find reps in all areas of the country.
Mmm! I would Oh, my God.
I would just love to, you know? I would love to satisfy you.
I gotta go call my girlfriend.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Well, what's been going on with you? Nothing, really.
How are you feeling about me being away? I just miss you and I want to see you.
I miss you too.
Have you been good? I'm always good.
Then I'm glad.
That's good.
I don't really trust Ali.
Um, there was a point where I came back from tour, and I guess she was kind of angry and she slept with one of my friends.
Even though we weren't together, like, it was it seemed like it was kind of vindictive.
Like, there's so many people out there, and you're gonna really? I'm trying to trust you.
How do I trust you? Well I just don't, right? Okay, I gotta go, but I'll talk to you later.
All right.
Good talk.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Welcome.
- Hey.
- How are you? - What is that? That's, like, a massive dildo.
That is wine that's already in glasses.
Amanda just arrived, and I'm having some friends over to welcome her into Los Angeles.
- Hi.
- Hi, lovey.
You're finally here.
It's only taken 50 hours.
There was there was some traffic.
It's fine.
The night I met Lauren, she was, like we were wasted.
- Were we really that drunk? - Do you have to ask? - Really? - I don't know.
I just remember we made out for, like, five hours.
I don't remember how drunk we were.
Is Lauren a good kisser? Yeah, I'd say so.
She has some large lips on her mouth.
"On her mouth"? Oh, my God.
Great, Amanda.
We've maybe slept together sometimes.
It happens.
Could we also talk about the fact that I came here today and Lauren purposely left my mattress out in the backyard, so it got rained on, so that I am now forced to sleep in her bed? Everyone, let's do a cheers.
Let's do a cheers to Amanda being here.
- Yeah.
- Amanda, I love you.
- Cheers.
- Literally.
Best time of our lives right now.
Love you.
That'd be a fun party, yeah? - Oh! - Jenn dyed it yesterday.
I wonder what she writes about.
- Is she? - Yeah.
What time did you guys get home from the airport? - Uh, noon-ish.
- Yeah.
And you guys have been drinking the whole time? No, we started drinking Amanda, when did we start when did we start drinking? Let me go outside for a second.
I wonder what she writes about.
Oh, my God, you're so rude.
You guys will get to sleep in the same bed, though.
That's cute.
I swear to God, she purposely Probably.
Welcome.
I tried I tried warning you.
Sorry.
I met Britenelle on a past trip to L.
A.
, and, you know, I really like her.
I think she's a sweet girl.
We're sort of getting to know each other and exploring what's going on and how we vibe together.
- You guys home? - Oh, there she is.
I just had some pizza.
Did you eat at all? Why? I just don't want you to why are you so concerned about what I'm eating? Because we haven't eaten all day.
It's cool.
It's really cold out.
- You want to go inside? - Yeah, please.
I'm fucking freezing.
I don't want to say any bad things about Britenelle, but I've heard a lot of things about her getting too intense on girls, having too high of expectations, and I don't want Amanda to get caught up in that mess.
Really? No.
I can't.
For the thank you.
Cool.
Fuckin' Christ.
Hey, did I what did I tell you about this person? Hey, we're not talking about this.
What did I tell you about this person? Trouble.
Just put that food down.
No, eat your food.
You're right, that was that was rude of me.
Is that the I-want-to-have-sex face? You're so impatient.
Really, you are.
You want me to finish eating so bad.
I think I'm gonna start taking my strap-ons and strapping them to the wall so that when I walk by, I can just fuck myself.
'Cause you're not around a lot.
You don't drive down here a lot.
What's a girl to do? I recently moved to Long Beach, and Jay lives in Hollywood, so I just see him a whole lot less now.
Why does it always have to be about sex? Because that's all I care about.
Apparently.
Goddamn.
My mom the other day goes, "well, are you guys gonna have sex? Da-da-da.
" And I was like, "I hope so.
" I go, "sometimes he gets tired, mom", "and he just wants to, like, lay there and have me rub his head.
I'm not used to it.
" I'm like, "it's been years since I had this kind of dick.
" So, here's what I'm gonna need.
I'm gonna need you to pull your pants down.
We have great sex.
We just have really good chemistry, and I enjoy having sex with him.
I'm not thinking about it.
I'm not overanalyzing it.
It's just fun, and I love him, and it feels good.
And it's different.
I mean, it's different to be with a man.
It's different to be with a woman.
Both are good.
They're just different.
Turn the light off.
It's bedtime.
I need you.
I feel like we're in a time crunch.
What's left? Well, I need to check out the location and make sure it's kosher, and figure out Kosher? You're not even Jewish.
I just need to make sure things look good, and I don't know if there's room for, like, putting flowers or having tea candles, because she thinks it's an energy thing, so it could go hand in hand with like, I'm always paranoid that my phone is on.
Okay, good.
This engagement is very stressful.
Sara is very much involved in things I do often, and it's like having to make up stories or, like, cover my tracks while I'm trying to do this, like, nice plan.
It's, like, so much to internalize.
I also have to, like, print out a list of positive affirmations.
Because, you know, like, the thing is, like, what sh I love that Sara's, like, texting me right now, "what's my baby doing?" Tell her you're you're spending time with me.
Sara is definitely one of those people that likes to check in often, so I have to premeditate my responses for a variety of questions.
I'm gonna write up with you positive affirmations that's everybody's gonna be handed out.
So we're gonna, like, go around in a circle and read them or something, out loud? Yeah.
Talking about, like, going above and beyond, it some might call it OCD.
You're over-thinking it, you know? Yeah, I've been over-thinking this whole thing.
Have you seen the flyer? The flyer's on the table.
What? I've gone to such great lengths to make this story legit.
I've made a flyer for this said spiritual healer.
That is elaborate, but one can never be too careful.
Oh, this is amazing.
It's even oddly bad, like, how those flyers, like I know.
I did it on purpose.
Like, how the gym flyers look oddly bad - with, like, weird writing.
- Uh-huh.
"See it, feel it.
This is where action begins.
" Yeah, dude.
I mean, hey.
Hey.
You're all set, dude.
You just have to literally stuff envelopes.
I know, and these, I don't even have to lick 'em.
I just peel it and stick.
- Hello? - Hi, baby.
It's about fucking time you called me.
I did call you.
I called you half an hour ago from Kiyomi's phone.
No, you didn't.
No missed calls.
- Check your voice-mail.
- Okay, I believe you.
I did.
I miss you.
And then I emailed you right after.
- Okay, forgiven.
- That was easy.
I miss you like crazy, and it's only been two days.
I know.
I think that when Donna and I got married, the expectation was we always take each other into consideration, whatever decision that we make, and all of a sudden, I went from this distinct direction of us talking about sperm banks and having children and "when are we gonna do that?" To, I'm gonna be away.
I'm not gonna be in her life every day if if this you know, if we if I stay with Hunter Valentine and we're touring all the time.
Hey, when are you gonna Skype? I want to Skype.
- Uh, maybe tonight.
- Yay! And if not to if not tonight, definitely tomorrow.
Tonight's kind of screwed up.
We're, like, really late.
We were supposed to get up at 9:00 and drive, but Kiyomi was really plastered last night.
Yeah, that's not cool.
We're leaving! We're walking out the door.
All right, well, I gotta I gotta run.
- All right, I love you.
- I love you, baby.
I love you.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
You almost have it.
You know Doing a good job.
After last night, I quit.
- I quit drinking.
- Really? So it's morning after the Phase One show, and we sort of slept in, partied a little bit later than we thought or anticipated, so we're having a hard time getting it together in the morning.
Where did that coffee go? Inside? - Yeah.
You want a cup? - No, that will make me barf.
No, let's not do that.
Okay, we gotta redo this.
It's Kiyomi's love note.
It says, "Rachel, the one with the short blond hair.
" Phone number.
"In D.
C.
when you are.
Smiley face.
" Regional rep! That's not nice, Kiyomi.
I didn't throw it! Let's go! All right.
North Carolina.
- Ow! - Get out of here.
Ow! Cool, everybody just grab everything but the one can of paint.
It's mine.
It's really heavy.
- Don't trip on that one.
- It's fine.
Don't worry, Brit's just having a really good day.
I'm just a bull dyke.
What about a hairy bear? Who was a hairy bear? I'm, like, really big on making where I'm living, like, feel me, so we're redoing the house, and I'm, like, fully nesting.
Wait, how are we starting? I knew Amanda was gonna come in here and want to change a bunch of stuff in the house.
That's her personality, but it's just the greatest feeling, finally having her in town and getting our lives kind of set up together.
I would honestly rather drink than do this right now.
Well, I got us I got us outfits, okay? Oh, cool.
This is, like, a one size fits all.
Are you serious? This is not happening right now.
Wait, that looks like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
And it's hooded.
Can we have sex right now? I'm so turned on.
Whose bright idea was this? Oh, my God, human condoms.
Oh, my God, it's so hot in this.
Lauren hates the fact that this is the first time the two of us have ever, "A," lived in a house together, and "B," been single at the same time, and already, I'm getting into something or not getting into something.
I don't really know, but she doesn't like it.
All right.
Hold on, let me just get the nose.
Mix it.
Yeah, we don't have a mixer.
Hold on.
I have something we can use.
I just remembered I have this.
- What is that? - Spank someone happy.
It's funny, it looks like it's in mint condition.
Do you want a cigarette before we start? Yeah.
There's definitely a tension building between the two of them.
Lauren is very bad at hiding her feelings.
And Britenelle is very vocal about her feelings.
So between the two of them, it's sort of like this passive-aggressive meets aggressive, and it's funny.
I mean, in a weird way I feel like I'm being, like, fought over.
What is with this handle though? Honestly, like, if you're getting into the house and you're really drunk, you can just hold on while you're putting the key in the door.
The last people that lived here were old.
Yeah, so, wow, way to be a downer.
Like, "hey, what's up with those plants?" Okay.
Just explaining the handle.
- Oh.
- Not being a downer.
- Huh? - Not being a downer.
What? I think your necklace is backwards.
- Or is it not? - No, it's not.
For some reason when I saw earlier it looked different.
You got something to say about it? On point, look at that.
Okay, let's go paint.
- Yes.
- Let's get this over with.
What do we got left? An hour? Uh, more than an hour.
What happened? I don't know what happened last night.
I don't know, but that's why we're so late today.
I'm really surprised that Kiyomi partied hard the first night and woke up late.
I get ragged on all the time for being late if I'm a couple minutes late to practice.
But if you're gonna give me a really hard time all the time, you can't be the one drunk and hungover and showing up late for shows.
We're so late.
I guess we were, like, an hour late.
Which is not normal for us.
But, um, shit happens.
Brought your stuff? We good? Yeah, I moved mine over here.
You guys, we have, like, ten minutes to do this.
- Okay.
- Not even.
You're up.
It's in there.
Sanchez.
There's, like, six people in there.
Milestone is this dirty house.
It's this divey place.
But it's the mecca of rock venues.
Sonic Youth played there, Nirvana played there.
Everybody who's toured the east coast has probably come through there at some point.
Hey, guys, what's going on? You're so freakin' quiet.
There we go.
It is very frustrating because we're running late, and there are only ten people that come out.
I'm gonna be really honest with you.
We're severely hungover.
Can we have some shots of Jameson on the stage? Is that possible? How many? - Four.
- Doubles? Uh-uh.
No doubles.
We always like coming to Charlotte because it cures our hangover.
Yeah.
With another one.
We're Hunter Valentine.
We're gonna play some music for you.
- Do it.
- Okay? tell all my friends I'm not home I'd rather go this alone my mind been blown to pieces my life an empty thesis all those things I thought I stood for left outside your boyfriend's front door My mentality for playing live is to play every show the same way.
So if you're playing to 3,000 people, you should be playing the same way that you do for that as you would play for, like, 30 people or 3 people.
So we really try to stay focused and not let the size of the crowd affect our performance.
Thank you.
she's fighting off her last demise trying to live a simple life The show, the beginning of it sounds like it's working out just fine.
Then I notice that Somer is kinda like bending down on the floor, and I realize that she's not playing.
they thought I'd save her, be the one but I got issues of my own 'cause her world's falling and she don't ca-aa-are she don't ca-aa-are she don't care she don't care she dragged me in the bathroom stall said her downfall was my fault Somer was running off the stage, um, you know, looking for certain, like, quick fixes that basically wasn't coming together.
Do you have an extra adapter? Yeah, let me plug this in right here.
She don't care What the fuck are you like, are you serious? Her equipment was obviously not working.
And I don't feel like as a performer you should draw more attention to that because it's distracting.
Wow.
Give it up for the band! No fucking idea what's going on.
Do you think that's, like, too light? - Come on.
- Don't make fun of me though.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna get better, I'm gonna get better.
I've been hanging out with Jay and his friends.
Wait, look, they're gonna play at the same time.
And the nice thing about going out with straight couples is that not every single person dated or fucked your girlfriend.
You actually get to meet people and other couples that haven't been incestual within the community.
Wow! Mike, that just ruined your perfect game.
This is my child.
What what what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I want your child.
Gently 'cause it's my baby.
That's how you do it! Watch and learn, bitches.
I love Jay and, like, I definitely, like, put myself in the thought of, like, I want to marry him and have his kid.
I think that me and Jay would make beautiful kids.
He is somebody that I would like to have a life with.
I mean, we're not getting any younger.
All right, we're gonna go home and fuck so Nice.
What about the child with that kind of language? We're trying to get a child.
That's why you have to go home and fuck.
We're not trying to get a child.
We are together, as one, trying.
Aren't we, baby? No, we're not.
- I wasn't aware of that.
- So it's a solo thing.
Do I not get a say in this? No, sweetie, this isn't about you.
- Don't be selfish.
- You want one.
- Yes.
- You want one.
You want one.
- Baby.
- Group baby! Romi's a nester.
She definitely wants to, like, settle down, move in, let's have some kids.
Like, let's get this shit cracking.
I'm like, "hey, slow down.
" I'm not a lesbian, I'm a boy.
Okay, what kind of conversation is this? The kind that we have.
The kind that makes me wear condoms every Maybe we can finally do our vision boards.
Let's do it.
Are you gonna make your own vision board or are we making joint ones? Um, well, let's see.
I would probably want mine to be pink or something.
Oh, trick.
Sara wants to make vision boards.
So I want to keep her occupied to distract her from what I'm planning.
The funny thing is Sara is like a wild child, you know? But she's obsessed with self-improvement things.
If it involves patchouli, nag champa, some type of "om" sound, she's down with it.
So health, finances.
Health, wealth, love, beauty, business, art.
Like, are you supposed to, like, lay things out first and then make it I mean, how do you wanna do it? This one's my favorite one.
Hey! Baby-making.
Oh, shit.
Making the baby.
- We better get practicing.
- We should.
Look at this.
"Before I have kids, I want to " Before you have kids do you Want to marry me? Are we getting married or are we just not gonna do it because we're against marriage or you're against marriage? Would you? No, babe.
And No, we're not getting married? - No, no.
- Okay.
Sara wants to get married, and she doesn't understand why I'm not making forward motions.
Like, listen, girl, trust me.
I'm trying to do something good for you, so just cut me some slack.
Come here.
I'm not putting any pressure on you with the "ever.
" But I want you to know that I won't ever leave you.
'Cause I love you a lot.
I love you too.
I know that you and I are the ones that have been doing this the longest.
And, like, maybe we need to set a standard.
Fucking around is not okay.
Like, it's not okay, man.
There's a lot of technical difficulties.
The gear that Somer has is not working.
I wanna get her stuff fixed.
I do want to get her stuff fixed.
But I also feel like in the middle of a set, if shit is not working you shouldn't be running like it just it's a distraction.
I'm disappointed in me and us.
I'm disappointed in us.
We really sucked.
The songs were terrible.
Everything was it was brutal.
- Yeah, it was pretty bad.
- I agree.
It was the worst show that I've ever played in my life, I think.
This isn't a really good feeling to have when our goal is to get to South by Southwest where we have five shows in three days.
It's like the most insane festival.
And when we're already having issues with gear, it could just make you look really bad.
Like, half our set is on this keyboard, and it's fucked up.
It was working before we toured.
- It was working last night.
- Yeah.
So sometime in the van, or, like, when someone took it out of the van, or when someone shoved some shit on top of it in the van, it got broken.
I mean, look.
This is my child I've just dissected.
Yeah, you know what, I think maybe it might have been a bad idea to do this while I was drinking.
Hunter Valentine can front money, but we don't have whatever we're making on this tour is what we can pay for.
But if it's over $100, we can't afford it.
So that's all I'm saying.
Like, as much as you don't have money, we really don't have anything.
We're tapped out.
We're so tapped out I want to cry.
We're supposed to be a family, right? Like, you know, Hunter Valentine said "we're a family.
Whatever your problems are, are my problems.
" So here's the pinnacle of what that means.
And I just felt, like, right away it wasn't like, "hey, I'm gonna help you out here.
" It was like, "sorry.
Your shit, you fix it.
" We are family.
When you're in this band, when we're all here together, we're one fucking hundred percent family.
Then don't give me a hard time.
I'm not giving you a hard time.
I'm just trying to get you to understand that I'm in the exact same boat as you.
I don't want you to feel like we don't have I'm not trying to No, and I don't want you to feel like you're putting me in any sort of position, 'cause you're not.
If my shit breaks - I know how you feel.
- I want help.
I've sacrificed as much as I can.
I know.
I can't not only not be working, not being with my wife, and having all the things that I've worked my whole life to buy any pay for and build up to musically be broken.
Just I can't sacrifice all this stuff for the band and be on tour and come back with nothing.
- Okay, you guys have fun.
- Lauren, come here.
No, Lauren, don't even think about it.
You're wearing a fucking rabbit vest.
Come over here.
This is disgusting.
It should be dry.
Okay, grab your end.
I'm not gonna carry this like a bull dyke.
- All right.
- Lauren, get your You know I'm not strong, okay? Help me.
Oh, my God.
Don't step in any dog shit.
- Hold on.
- No! Oh, come on! You're an asshole! Pick this up right now.
This is disgusting.
Now it's covered in shit.
- Yep.
- Ew, it smells.
Please no dog shit on my mattress.
I'm gonna gag.
I think I touched it.
No, there's poop on my hand.
Let's just do this, the two of us.
We don't need her poop-ass face.
Tilt it to the left.
Ow! Move out of the fucking way.
Whoa, butch.
- What are you doing? - Whoa.
Put it down.
Now where's my keys? Bark, bark at me again.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was barking at her.
And I'm just gonna sleep alone.
Because things just didn't work out for me tonight, did they? I'm so over Britenelle at this point.
Why can't she just leave and go back to her house? You know, like, tonight it was just like the two of them hanging out all night.
It was just like, what are you doing? Like, you're turning this into a relationship, you know? That's what it seems like to me.
So I'm really excited about going to this energy healing.
I think that we could use this for our own personal growth, and it could be really good.
It's super cozy.
Yeah, that looks cozy.
I'm not nervous to propose, I don't think.
Because I truly love Sara.
But, you know, I'm not gonna lie, I'm human.
The words "cold feet" exist for a reason, you know? It's so cozy here.
- It is cozy.
- I love all these people.
Yay.
How is everyone doing tonight? I will be your energy master, if you will, your healer, and your creative visual teacher.
What I'm gonna have all of you do is just close your eyes for about 30 seconds.
And I really want you to focus on something that you want in your life, something positive, from a job, a relationship, the courage to, you know, grab on to a new venture, and I want you to just kinda keep it to yourself for a little while.
Because what that's gonna do is we're gonna carry on that and use that as your own internal focal point.
Have we all got something positive that we'd like to focus on? Excellent, excellent.
At this moment, my heart is pounding.
I actually can't tell if it's pounding super fast or if it's just one continuous pound.
What happened to, like, one-on-one on a beach? Who thought of this? So what we're going to do, a deep breath in.
And just let it all out.
Are we all feeling relaxed? Are we feeling more comfortable with the exercises? So what do you want to do tonight? Let's do something sweet.
Okay, you mean, like, hold hands, listen to the waves crash? Something nice.
Something other than seeing you quickly for dinner and fucking and - Sleeping.
- Sleeping.
But you love it when I hold you.
I do like it when you hold me.
But it's just not that often.
Well, let's do And sometimes it's because I'm moving my ass into you and you have no other choice but to then grab tight.
I always grab tight, 'cause you have those boobs.
The thing that has kept me and Jay together is our sense of humor.
It really is our relationship.
He makes me laugh, you know, harder than anybody.
But there's got to be more.
- How's work? - Uh, it's fun.
- I like it.
- Are you leaving town? Uh, possibly end of next week - or the week after.
- For how long? It sounds like three days in Atlanta, three days in Houston, three days in Dallas.
I send you 1,000 naked pictures, and then we Skype, that's our relationship - when we're gone.
- Yep.
I don't consider it a secret that I'm always traveling.
I travel you know, 40% of the year I'm on the road.
But Romi's coming from a relationship where she had everybody's undivided attention whenever she wanted it.
But she'll eventually understand it, she'll get used to it.
It's just one of those things.
Like, Romi's mad at me one day, and then I'll take her out to dinner and she'll be happy the next.
So will you meet Alyssa, though, and the girls? Yeah, of course.
Will you start becoming a part of my life? Again? You've never been a part of it again.
I always meet all your friends, and I'm friends with all them, and I like them all.
They all like you.
You're lucky.
So what I have here are some envelopes.
And in these envelopes there is a positive affirmation for each and every one of you.
Open up the envelope and then read the affirmation out loud.
Yay.
There you go.
Let's see what I have here.
There we go for you.
For you.
For you.
Would the first person, would you like to start us out and stand right here and read out the affirmation to the group.
"Loving myself heals my life.
I nourish my mind, body, and soul.
" I feel the feeling my energy.
Ah.
"I'm in a confident place to make decisions about my future.
I know who I am and I know what I want.
" - Yeah.
- That's good.
Why don't you go? You go.
All right.
"Turn and face the person you hold most dear and open your heart.
" Baby, I love you a lot.
And I've known since the first time I saw you.
Will you marry me? Is this real? Oh, my God.
Baby, oh, my God.
- You didn't say yes.
- Yes! I knew it.
This was, uh, a ruse, I must admit.
But I wanted all of my closest friends to be here and part of it.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I had no idea.
Baby, is this for real? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I don't even know.
It's like there's not really any words to describe the feeling of that, because it's just I mean, I almost feel like I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing person.
Baby.
I love it.
You like it? I love it.
It's beautiful.
I didn't think it was possible to be even happier than I already am.
Babe.
I hope you are.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
Honestly, the engagement was pretty much everything I could have imagined and more.
It was very romantic.
You were highly romantic.
Thanks.
You did want to marry me.
Yeah, I did.
Congratulations!