The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e02 Episode Script

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to the Ricky Gervais show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And a little round-head buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
So, red nose day, Comic Relief has come around again.
Yeah, um, red nose day is obviously the very specific day in the calendar for the whole Generic term, Comic Relief, I think.
It's normally when the, uh, telecast happens.
Yeah.
Uh, people know that that's the day when they can, um, dress up, do charitable acts.
But of course Comic Relief is a charity that's working all the time For, uh, disenfranchised all over the world.
Are youHave you always been a strong champion of Comic Relief, Karl? Not really.
Why was I expecting that answer? But I do loads of stuff without going on about it.
My gift to the world has been you, Karl, to be quite honest.
I feel that you're the world's now.
I'm sure there's people in Africa going, "We, we'd prefer blankets.
" Yeah.
Doing a will is charity isn't it? Is it? Sort of.
No, it is.
I mean if you make half If you make a donation to a charity within the will I suppose that's quite charitable.
But just giving money to your relatives isn't, is it? Of course it is.
They shouldn't have it.
Well, it is.
They're getting something for nothing, but It's I don't know.
It's giving something away that you have no use for Exactly.
Yeah, but forget that.
It's.
- Someone who's getting something - Yeah.
When you've done nothing for it really.
Well it is.
I suppose it is charity, but charity is usually infused with some sort of altruism 'Cause you're literally not around anymore.
Rt so it's no longer you giving it.
It's just some money that there was.
Yeah, but I would either Give it to them or not give it them.
Once I'm dead and I've turned to mush, I shouldn't be worrying about Suzanne's mum getting a table.
Is that what you're leaving her? Well, I've called up me dad first Why are you doing a will? For the show? Because of this - Travel thing I'm, and - Right, yeah.
It can get dangerous, you know.
But why haven't you done a will up to now? Because you sort of uh, I don't know.
I felt sort of young and free.
Whereas now I'm I've never That's never two words I' associated with Karl.
No.
He's always seemed like a man who's in his late 50s.
Yeah, totally, yeah.
And I've certainly never the idea that you're free.
It's more Even if we're just talking about the head alone, - it's the head of a late fifty year old.
- Free of hair.
Yeah, totally free of fucking hair.
I'm sort of getting on first name terms with me doctor.
Oh really? Chatting more.
"Oh what is it this time?" "How is your middle finger?" You know Not too bad, Karl.
All that sort of things, so it just made me think Have you had that done for the will by the way, for insurance and stuff? - I think you need to didn't he, for the will? - I think you do.
There's nothing on no.
The prostate exam? No, uh, listen.
For insurance purposes, I think you need to have, um A testicular exam for testicular cancer.
You're just leaving the high risk for testicular cancer, actually.
And you're, you're entering the high risk for prostate cancer.
And you can have both at the same time.
You could have both at the same time.
The examination At the same time.
If he's a very dexterous doctor.
Um I wouldn't want that.
Why? Too much like? It's just too much going on.
Too painful? It's like someone juggling you.
Yeah.
It's like being examined by squidly diddly.
And so you said you called up your dad.
Called him up.
I said, is there anything you want if I die? Right, and presumably you know Suzanne thinks she's getting the She's getting the lion's share.
She is.
But then the fellow who was on the end of the phone, talking us through it, was going "Oh you should get married.
" I was going, "Oh, shut up.
" He's saying, "Well it'd make things alot easier when it comes to this.
" And it's like, well that isn't a reason to get married, is it? Well So she can have all me stuff.
I said "I've wrote on a, "that she can have it.
" But it's something about tax.
If you're not married, you have to hand over more.
I think you get so much and then it's like ridiculous tax rate.
Yeah.
But She's going, "That's why we should get married.
I'm going to be paying tax.
" I go, "Hang on a minute.
" She's already like thinking about money loss instead of me disappearing.
Yeah.
She's going yeah, we should I said, "Look, you'll be getting a load of money.
" I said, "If I die on this program anyway, I'm insured.
" - You'll be getting about a million pounds for that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I said, so that's, that' something you haven't got now.
Yeah.
Got nowhere near that now.
I said, so even if you have to pay tax on that Yeah.
I don't think it'd be right to get married just in case I get killed.
Have your two sets of parents met? No.
That would be good, would it? Well I suppose it's a reason to, innit? At least if you're getting married, there's a reason for them to meet.
At the moment, there's no reason for them to meet.
They'd get on each other's nerves.
Me dad wouldn't get on with her mom.
- Why? - Just wouldn't.
She doesn't like me, so she won't like me dad.
Because he's just an exaggerated version.
So I think, uh It doesn't need to happen.
But you could just knick down to the registry office, get it done, done and dusd, and you just phone up your folks and say - "It's already happened.
- I said that.
I said, "Listen, if we had to do it" I said, "If it was like we've got to do it for some reason.
" Mmm.
I said, "I'd do that.
" We can have it done by two.
You can be back in work for three.
Because at the end of the day, there's no other, there's no You know, we've known each other for years.
Yeah.
We're not gonna suddenly turn into some sort of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan film just because we got married.
- It's gonna be the same.
Exactly the same.
- Yeah, yeah Me and Jane were out with him and Suzanne the other night, right, at, at dinner.
.
And honestly he is so, so grumpy.
He was saying about, uh, for Christmas, right He said, "You've had a floor.
" He said, "You've had ayou've had a floor.
Now what did that mean? We had a new floor put in.
But how is that her floor? Because she wanted it.
But you walk on it too.
I paid for it.
I don't understand what you mean.
But don't you understand that like UhYou know, a romantic break or clothes or perfumes.
You know, sort of things that are kind of indulgent for a lady.
That's a gift, not a new floor.
Yeah.
That is like something you give to somebody, an African fella, on Comic Relief.
In fact I think I saw it once.
He didn't have a floor.
Exactly.
They built him a floor.
I remember watching it with you.
And they gave him a new pair of shoes and the floor.
He went, "Hold on.
"Floor or shoes, not both.
" So you think charity is all right, as long as the people don't get above their station with charity? I think it should be there as a littlelittle booster.
Right.
They've always got their hand out.
Right.
And it's been like that since I was a kid.
Yeah.
I remember being a kid.
People knocking on the door.
Me mom going, "Don't look at the door "There's someone there.
" And we'd just pretend they weren't there.
Charity starts at home, not your home.
No but because it's all the time.
I mean me mom didn't like answering the door anyway, even if it was the pools man.
She'd sort of say, "Don't move.
" "And he might not see that we're here.
" So you just froze.
When a man was at the door.
Well you just, because the front room was near the door, - so people could see in.
- Right.
Right.
So you just sort of stayed there and pretend that either you can't hear him So like some sort of predator.
Like They can't see you if you don't move.
Well even if he was peering in through the window, and he could see you in there not moving.
So he looked through, And there was three people just frozen, right? Like statues, right.
- Just their eyes looking at him.
- Yeah.
And him confused.
Well they're clearly dead.
I'll move on.
Yeah.
There's obviously been a gas leak.
And did you, did you stay sitting or stand up? Or did you sort of like, throw yourself to the floor? No, we just sat.
We just sat on the You know, where you were, and you'd just stay still.
But did he ever look in and see you getting there? I don't know because you didn't turn around, did you? So you would pretend you couldn't hear the door? It seemed to be the 80s had a lot of it.
'Cause it was all the Avon thing when it was perfume.
Tubberware.
What? Tubberware.
Tupperware? Yeah.
The plastic boxes.
Tubberware.
He's done it.
It's dishes for fat people.
Here we go6 "Oh, these are big.
" "Course they are.
They're for fat fuckers like you to eat out of.
" Just a lot of charity stuff.
Just a lot.
It seemed to be the time, the 80s, that they suddenly found out they can sort of scav money off people.
Ok, right.
Let's do the scenario.
I'm at the door.
Hello, I can see you're in there.
" Might as well come open the door? Karl? Why are you standing so still? Are you trying to avoid me? It's working.
Karl, your eyes are moving.
Can you me to the door please? That's when he's at the end.
You've got movement? Karl? Um, no, I'm gonna stay.
I'm just gonna stay here until you have to move.
Karl.
Ok, and I'll move on then, right.
It works.
Works perfectly.
Yeah.
Okay.
Brilliant.
Because once they've got you, that's the whole thing with charity.
Once they've stopped you in the street, - if you stop, that's it.
- Keeps on going.
I mean the only good thing now is you've got an iPod so you can just either Pretend you're on the phone or listen to music.
Or just stay very still, just freeze.
When someone says, "Can I trouble you? Oh, he's totally frozen.
" That would be amazing because they're normally in one spot aren't they? Yeah.
So as soon as they So it's just they carry on selling.
Stop you, you've just gotta freeze there.
You've gotta stay there for the rest of it outside Yeah.
- For seven hours.
- Yeah.
It goes dark.
Hoot, hoot Well, I'm, I've finished my shift, I'm off.
And then you just see, your eyes just see them walk away like that, and they all meet in their little tunics.
And then you start walking.
They look back, and you freeze.
And then they walk on.
And then you can go home seven hours late.
Ever since I was young, I've always liked going in charity shops.
Particularly because you know, you find sort of interesting old records in there.
Never sort of gone in there to buy clothes and stuff.
But you know, books, whatever.
And, uh, was in a charity shop You know, and I've patronized them for years, and I noticed back through the window there was a paparazzi guy, and he was taking pictures of me through the window.
It was a bit weird, and obviously the old ladies in there, didn't have any idea who I was, so they just thought it was a bit strange.
And then it was in one of the uh The magazines, like the kind of celebrity magazines.
"Oh, here's Steve Merchant.
"You know despite all the money he must have made from his various projects.
" "He's still going in charity shops.
" And you just think, but how is that a bad thing? I'm Yeah.
I give a lot of stuff to charity.
A lot.
Most of the time just because it's, it's nearer than the wheeliein is.
It's just a way of getting rid of garbage most of the time with me.
Stick it all in a bin bag.
Good stuff on the top.
The stuff that you're embarrassed about Yeah.
Stick it in the bottom of the bag.
What are you embarrassed about? Just old shoes, trainers.
Some of the books you've written.
Uh, socks.
Underpants.
Socks? Underpants! You do not give underpants to charity.
Washed.
But who is gonnawashed.
Washed.
I know, as opposed to just like peeling them off.
Yeah.
I don't know why you've got a problem with underpants, but shoes.
You see, I'd never buy shoes.
O's buying underpants from a charity shop? Yeah.
I mean, I don't re how low you are on the socioeconomic level.
I know.
You can get about 14 pairs for a quid in some places.
Know.
I don't know who's buying underpants.
I don't know who's buying your underpants I definitely don't know.
Yeah.
I mean if they were signed.
Fans.
That is something, that is something I like doing though.
When I've given to charity, I like going past the shop, and seeing if made it in the window.
Mmm.
Any success? Yeah, recently.
The one not far from here had me egg cups in the window.
So it's like, "Oh look, there's that.
" What you got a new set of egg cups so you got rid of your old ones? Yeah.
I don't think we've got any egg cups.
Haven't you? There's nothing wrong Honestly, hardly, I mean this made the window space.
That's how good it was.
It hardly bee used, that egg cup.
Because it was a double one.
And I think they were quite small for the egg size.
I think they were made more for the small egg, and I have the large egg.
Right.
So it was, it was never really used.
Just like your underpants.
But, um, a bit of a dilemma that, um, me auntie Nora had.
She likes charity shops as well.
Uh, she's got a neighbor Went out to Graceland.
Big Elvis fan.
Came back.
She said, "How was Graceland?" Said, "Oh it was brilliant.
"I've got a gift for you, right.
" They got out this clock.
Like alike a little sort of, it's like a Swiss.
Do you know the Swiss sort of.
.
.
Looks like a house? Cuckoo clock.
Like a cuckoo clock.
But on the hour, little Elvis comes out of the top and goes, Uh, huh, huh.
So she went, "Oh cheers.
" She's not really into Elvis.
She's more into Jim Reeves and Glen Campbell and stuff.
Yea.
But at can you say? She said, "Oh thanks.
Thanks for that.
" She took it in the house.
Maybe they could get attachments.
Maybe you get a little Jim Reeves to pop on the spring.
And then that pops out or whatever.
So anyway, it's in the house.
She's thinking, I'm not gonna put that up.
It's not her sort of thing.
- So, uh, she thinks, give it to charity.
- Course.
She goes down to the charity shop, gives them that, thinks nothing of it.
Goes off to the pub for an afternoon drink.
Anyway, next day she's going out for afternoon drink again, passes the charity shop, it's in the window.
Oof.
Ooo.
And the chances are her friends are gonna pass by.
That was a dilemma.
Of course.
She had to buy it back.
That's brilliant.
At a hugely inflated price.
Comic relief here is a sort of um, it happens every other year.
And you know, people often do things in their workplace or at school.
They can dress up.
They can raise money in different fun ways.
And we were told in a school assembly, it was Comic Relief next Friday.
"Everyone has to come along "dressed up in fancy dress to school on that day.
" Has to? Yeah, they said have to, have to dress up.
That's annoying, isn't it? So I, 'cause I'm looking forward to this because you know, I'm a sort of An aspiring comedian and that.
Get to dress up like a clown, right.
Spent quite a lot of time Wow.
Getting the old clown outfit together.
What did that look like? The shoes obviously I just wore my regular shoes.
Exactly, yeah.
But I had the red nose, wig, you Wow.
Bow, big bow tie that my mum made for me like you know.
I thought this was gonna be the best day ever, right.
Get to school.
I want you to picture this scene, right.
During the assembly, my class of 13 School uniform, school uniform Lanky kid dressed as a clown.
School uniform, school uniform, school So obviously no one showed up, dressed like an utter dick except me and about two other knobs.
What disappoints me is at for a man who was um, a self-professed aspiring comedian, you chose the least funny thing in the world to dress as.
Yeah.
Clowns are anti-comedy.
They suck comedy out of the room.
It's not.
You're right.
And this is from a man who wanted to dress as Hitler at the golden globes.
Now that's funny.
He knows funny costumes when he But you were saying about the guys who bother you in the street.
Did I tell you when I pretended to be foreign to try and get out of that? Did I tell you that story? Amazing.
I've periodically used this method throughout my life.
And not so long ago a guy stopped me with one of those charity tunics.
And I sprang into me old trick of, Sorry.
I don't um Uh, ofan elderly Russian woman? I don't know what voice that is or what accent that's supposed Yeah, it went from vaguely French to sort of eastern European beggar.
Yeah, I don't know what it was.
And the guy and I don't Well, just let me explain to you about I'm sorry, I'm not from, uh - Stephen and the guyYeah.
- This world.
I am from planet Snork.
And the guy said, uh, "Are you Stephen Merchant?" No.
Sorry, not when you were famous.
Oh yeah.
No you didn't.
Yeah, cause I hadn't It hadn't occurred to me, I like, just It was like a lapse of concentration.
No! God.
Almighty.
It was a lapse of concentration Because, um And did your bow tie spin around when you squirted water and ran away? That's what I would have done.
No because, I, you know, it's one of those things where you know, you don't always remember that you feel It's not like I instantly remembered that.
That's amazing.
So, but let meSo he says, "Are you Stephen Merchant?" And I, and then you're in this position where you've gotta go Either you've gotta admit what you did, or you've gotta carry on the lie And I chose the second one.
So, I was kind of like, I, I don't know.
Who that is.
What? - I don't know what you're - Oh God.
"Really? You look a lot like him.
" I was going, I've never heard, I don't In fact, you are Stephen Merchant.
Freeze.
Oh.
I'm always getting stopped for, for I mean there's so many charities now.
It's not just starving people anymore.
It's everything.
Yeah.
One little fault, they're out there with a clipboard.
Yeah a lot of new, a lot of new diseases have cropped up.
Definitely.
But that shouldn't be allowed.
I think they should have like one year where they go, "This year "Uh, you know, hungry people.
" Right.
"Next year "People with a limp or" Just like they do with the China thing, with the year of the cat, the year of the rabbit.
It's very clear.
Yeah.
It's that year.
Th's who we're helping this year.
Right.
If you've got that problem, it's your year.
You're gonna have a good one.
And who decides? Right.
Uh, just have some meeting.
Just have a meeting.
Uh, the What would be the first year? What would be the first year, this year? Right.
Well we'd, we'd look at that, we'd go right? "What we hearing a lot of problems about?" And someone goes, "so and so's hungry.
" Go right, "Are we all in? Are we in to give this lot food?" And we're not just gonna give em food.
So it's not everyone who's hungry, it's specific people.
So it's like hungry Starving.
People who are starving.
"Maybe next year.
It's not your turn this time.
We can't help everyone at once.
" Cause that's life, isn't it? You've got to give and take in your own life.
There's things that I want.
I can't have, do without, have something else that's more important But there's so many causes, that right.
It could wait 20 years before your charity comes round.
That's what I'm saying, Steve.
I know but what can you do then? Because we're not sorting it all out anyway.
I'm paraplegic.
Right.
Oh, I need help really bad.
So does everyone else.
Well, why are you giving to the hungry now? Because if we don't help the hungry now Right.
They, they can't wait.
You can wait.
Right.
Oh, oh God, I'm blind.
- Is this a different person? - Yeah.
I'm blind.
Right, well you're not hungry, though, are you? Well a bit peckish.
Yeah, well Where's the fridge? I can't find the fridge.
Can you help me to the fridge? I thought I was gonna be hungry as well.
I'm blind and hungry.
I'm blind and hungry cause I don't know where the fridge is.
Who's let you in? But Karl this, this is just a chaotic idea.
It's not.
Because people are hungry, there's, there's always gonna be people who are hungry.
Yeah but, I sort the problem out How do you sort it out? Because I'll go, right, not only are we just giving you food.
Right.
We're giving you some seeds.
We're giving you a pan.
What, you think they haven't thought of that? Let me hear the theory.
Please.
- Right.
- Sort it out.
Don't just give food.
That's gonna run out.
Right.
Give them a proper You see the problem is, there's companies who jump on the back of all Do you know when I was in the jungle Okay.
Yeah.
- When I was in the jungle - Yeah, right.
- On that travel thing.
- Yeah.
I was in that tribe, right? Now Some company had given that tribe a laptop because it mes em look good.
They can send out a press release.
"Well done to so and so computers.
" - Right.
- They supplied the tribe in You know, out at Amazon with a computer.
I saw it.
They were using it as a bread board.
Because they don't know what it is.
They've got no electric.
It's useless to them.
And hat's what charity does.
Right.
Right.
Companies use it to make em look good.
When I was there and I really need to go to the toilet I was thinking "Oh tribe, I wonder what their toilet facilities are like, right?" Thinking they might, it might be better than just doing it a hole.
Surely they've built a toilet.
They're not stupid people.
They kill animals.
They know what they're doing.
They know how to cook.
Surely they've built some sort of unit.
Turns out they don't.
They still do it in a hole.
But some company had been there, some plumbing firm, and given them a toilet, right? The bloke who was you know, the producer who was out there He said, oh you'll be happy.
It's a toilet round about And I'm thinking "Oh brilliant.
" I go around there.
- It is a toilet but it's not plumbed in.
- Sure.
So it's just a vase with st in it.
It doesn't work and this is what we need to do.
We need to get out there and say, this is how it works.
Educate 'em.
Right.
Okay, so let's do this thing.
So I'm a starving African.
Hello, Karl, got any food? Got any, got any food? Got any sandwiches? I'm starving.
But if I give you my sandwich, so what are you gonna do then, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna help you.
How? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna, I'm gonna make you think about how to make food.
Oh okay, well Have you ever grown anything before? No, no.
Right.
Well here's some seeds for potatoes.
Oh, brilliant.
Oh thanks, Karl.
See you later.
Do I you just put em in the ground, yeah? Put em in the ground and water them.
Oh there's no water, you dopey cunt.
There is some water No, there's no water, you dopey cunt.
That's why we're starving, you dopecunt.
Right, at that point, that's where we go, well this is a lost cause, he.
Cause there's no point.
Right.
Can I have your sandwich after all? No you're not having it.
You're not having it now.
Right.
So not only can I not have a sandwich, you've given me seeds with no water, you useless baldheaded fucking twonk.
Right, but all I've done there is made the mistake of the computer firm, whose giving the laptop to a tribe.
Right.
Right.
It useless.
But there's gotta be another way around this.
Go on then.
Either move Right.
Because every year, they're gonna be cueing up, saying, "I'm hungry, give me a sandwich.
" "No, you're not having another sandwich.
" Once again, it's an utterly ill-formed discussion.
I'm just saying there's no point cueing up every year.
You want a sandwich? Here's a sandwich But Karl The next year, "Can I have a sandwich?" Where's your brother? He died.
Oh God.
It's not sorting anything.
It's buying em an extra day, an extra month or something.
It's pointless.
But Karl, the point is, like Ricky's just flagged up, is that some of these countries, the Died? The conditions He died.
He died! The conditions are not there to just be able to plant potato seeds.
So what are they meant to do then? You think we should go out every month, every year with sandwiches? Is that your answer, like some sort of buffet? An all-you-can-eat thing, once a year.
Oh God.
Oh See it is bad.
You know, I don't wanna come across harsh.
We've they've got nothing.
We waste stuff here.
Waste annoys me just as much.
Right.
When I see sandwich shops chucking stuff out, - in bin bags, binning it.
- Yeah.
When there's people out there who are hungry, it's ridiculous.
Yeah.
I don't, I don't understand It's a problem that isn't being solve$.
Right.
So your So your conclusion for these people, cause there's no water where they are, right, is move.
That, that is your honest, they should move? Well, well what's your solution? Well I, I don't know.
I don't know the ins and outs.
I don't, I don't even pretend to know.
Um, but But I tell you, it's not just, just sticking a What's that saying? I don't know, it's sort of sticking a plaster over a hole, something.
And the plaster comes off, it's a problem again.
Yeah, yeah That's, that's the saying, yeah.
It's, it's the saying I think that was mark twain.