The Sopranos s03e02 Episode Script

You got the crescent wrench? Fucking thing, nobody ever puts it back- oh, my god.
Oh, my god! Tony! Tony! Oh, my god, tony, are you alright? Uncle ben.
What happened? Hey.
What are you doing here? We had to drive out here 'cause some schmuck st the vcr from the common room.
"Public enemy", this is a great movie.
For a class.
.
.
just finished.
We're out of here.
watch old movies? Who's "we"? Just a friend from class, okay? Your mom likes lavender.
I'll be ready to bolt in a sec.
Mr.
Soprano? Yeah.
Hey, i'm noah tannenbaum.
How ya doin'? I appreciate you letting us screen here.
Those bose direct reflectors make all the difference.
You a film buff? People say hawks invented the genre with "scarface", but cagney was modernity.
Muni was not, so i giv e the nod to william wellman.
Noah, i'm just gonna g rab the "barenaked ladies" cd, and then, let's hit the road.
Last year this course is being offered.
"Images of hypercapitalis t self- advancement in the era of the studio system.
" So, you guys you and meadow are you? Little early to say.
What's your background, noel? Noah.
I'm from los angeles, west l.
A.
What i mean is-- my family' s in the business.
I mean show business , i don't know why the y call it "the business".
Those old "tarzan" movies? My dad's an entertainment lawyer.
What i mean is, we're italian.
My dad is jewish and my mother's family is african- american.
"Tannenbaum", right.
But on your application to columbia, you didn't check jewish, did you? No, they can't ask abo ut religious affiliation.
Oh, right, right, of course.
What'd you check? African- american.
So, we do understand each other here? You're a ditsoon.
Excuse me? Uh, charcoal briquette, a mulignan.
What's your problem? I think you know what my problem is.
You see, your little friend up there.
She didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house.
I don't know what the fuck she was thinking.
We'll get to that later.
See, i got business associates who are black.
And they don't want my son with their daughters and i don't want their sons with mine.
Fuck you! See, that's the kind of thing i'm hoping to avoid.
So, when my little girl comes down the stairs, you're gonna say how nice it was to meet me.
Then you're gonna go drop her off at school and you're gonna say goodbye.
C'mon, if you want to see the garden state.
We're gonna drop by hunter's, i want her to meet noah.
Then we'll be back to pick up my laundry.
Later, dad.
I don't got time f or these fucking attacks.
You were so good for months.
If you didn't instigate things-- i instigate? He's just a new friend, tony.
You didn't see the way they were looking at each other.
You want her to be with him, just keep it up.
Keep playi ng the race card, you're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Not if i cut off those fucking arms.
Stop it! Let me deal with it, if anybody's gonna deal with it.
Make things wors e with your bullshit, i'm gonna be really pissed.
I should call cusamano.
You might need stitches.
Yeah, if one of my sisters ever brought home a fuckin' butterhead, you know what my old man would do? Hey, ma.
Look who calls.
Actually, i'm standing here in front of you.
Ah.
Hey.
So, how's it going? What do you care? Out of sight, out of mind.
Brought you some books on tape.
Since you say you can't concentrate to read.
I wish the lord would take me now.
Well, in the meantime brought you "the horse whisperer".
Why, what's wrong, tell me? What, are you gonna freak out every time i try to do something nice for you? Jesus.
What's this? She's going to finish baby journals from long time ago.
My idea.
Oh, yeah, i remember these.
Carmela gave you one of these for each of the kids when they were born.
What the fuck? Look at this.
Supposed to fill these out, Now, look here, i don't like that kind of talk.
Now, just stop it, it upsets me.
Carmela's ma returne d these books to the kids filled with memories.
You can't write stuff down from your life foryour grandkids? It's none of anybody's business.
Yeah, you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself.
She will do it.
It's good for her, she realize that.
Keep her mind active.
Why do anything if there's not something in it for her? Alright, listen up.
I want you to concentrate, i know it's difficult.
Remember the airline tickets? The tickets were stolen.
Did you say that or did the feds say that? What did you tell them when you were in the lockup? What? What did i do? This is important.
They're trying to buil d a rico case against me.
What are you gonna say if they put you on the witness stand? 'Cause the only reason they let you go is to get your cooperation.
Don't wave your hanky atme.
What are you gonna say from now on? I never stated those tickets were stolen, capisce? Now, barbara will testify i didn't say it, but you gotta back her up.
I suppose i should've just kept my mouth shut like a mute.
In the future, any kind of deal they try to make, you keep your mouth shut.
You know, for a ye ar, i didn't speak to you.
Maybe i should've kept it that way.
Fuck it, do what you want.
Did you say something to noah? If you're smart, you'll ke ep walking down those stairs.
You did, what did you say? He was all quiet at hunter's, she thinks he's a snob.
Now he's just sitting out in the car! What, you didn't hear me? Maybe if i say it in swahili! Meadow, can you come up here please? What? I need your help with this clasp.
That ain't our beer, where'd you get this? Well, it's good, ain't it? Is my laundry done? You can sell ours for the same price.
I can't help it if i have to buy from them.
They tell me the same thing that you do.
Ah, you're yella.
Ah, please, you ai n't gonna slug me, are ya? What? Uh, your mother died.
You're kidding? I mean jesus christ.
Svetlana just called.
She said that after dinner, your mother went upstairs to get ready for bed.
When svetlana came up, your mother was under the covers in her nightgown.
Svetlana thought she was asleep.
Svetlana's waiting for us over there.
She's dead.
I'm sorry, dad that your mom died.
Me too.
Your grandmother loved you.
She loved both you two very much.
They just removed.
We saw.
She was in no pain, tony.
What about the cause of death, did they say? Massive stroke.
Yeah.
So she will not be finishing journal.
I break promise to you, tony.
Does not oft en happen with me, that these old one s get away with something.
Journal? Nothing.
Those "granny remembers" books you bought her when the kids were born.
She never touched them.
What's your beef? Asshole robert frost.
How am i supposed to know what this means? Like i even care.
"Stopping by woods on a snowy evening".
Oh, my god, i'm so glad i' m not in high school anymore.
You read this? Sure.
What does it mean? I have to turn in a close- read by tomorrow.
What does it mean? "The woods are lovely dark and deep, but i have promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep.
" Okay, look.
Where is he? He's in a field on a horse.
He's not o n the horse.
The horse has bells.
So? What kind of horse has bells? I don't know! Just give me the fucking answer so i can write this? A horse that's pulling a sleigh.
Oh so, this is a thanksgiving poem like,"over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go".
No, it's not a thanksgiving poem.
What's coverin g the field? Snow.
Yay! And what doe s snow symbolize? Christmas? Hello? Cold endless white, endless nothing i don't know! Death.
I thought black was death.
"He has miles to g o before he sleeps.
" So, he must be far away from his house.
The sleep of death.
The big sleep.
He's talking about his own death, which is yet to come, but will come.
That's fucked up.
Gottago.
I thought black was death.
White too.
I'm coming, i'm coming! Grandma? I just can't believe it.
What are you gonna do? I'll call janice.
I'll meet you at cozzerelli's around noon.
I already called.
Ma didn't want any kind of service, tony.
No remembrance at all.
So, we'll pick out a simple urn or whatever.
I'll see you there.
Proshai livushka.
Which means what? Goodbye, little livia.
He's been in this situation a million times and has upped the ante when needed.
Every time.
Let's see what happens tonight, there he is, he's pulling thatin.
He's got the ton'.
I'm sorry.
We all know how much you loved her.
Thanks.
I could imagine how you feel.
Yeah, well what are you gonna do? I'm sorry, t.
What are you gonna do, you know? At least she didn't suffer.
Thank go that's right.
D.
My god.
What next, huh? How is tony taking it? Oh, what the fuck! Goddamn fucking bitch! She was so awful.
What do i tell my kids when their own aunt won't even come to a funeral? Take it easy , i'll handle it.
And then he goes,"you gotta work on columbus day weekend.
" Eat your eggs, baby.
Ace garage.
You're not coming to your own mother's fucking funeral? May i speak? You got your sister sobbing! May i speak? Go the fuck ahead! You may recall, tony, that i have very good and valid reasons why i should not present myself in the state of new jersey.
Oh, jesus, that case is colder than your tit.
It'd do you good to show up here at this point.
Nothing to hide.
I don't do well at funerals, tony.
Who does? You just don't wan t to get your ass out of whatever chair it's in.
I'm gonna hang the fuck up! She didn't even want a funeral, janice, but can't you come sit with your family during this stressful time? She was your mother.
You can just get on a plane before us working folk.
Oh, listen to this, woody guthrie over here.
You know, they got special rates for family death.
Yeah, half of full fare coach, which at this late date comes to $1, 100.
Fully researched and everything, huh? Alright, fuck it, i'll pay it.
Can i bring my fiancee? Fuck that! One seat, coach.
And if you don't show up, let me tell you right now, don't come breezing in here when it comes time to carve up the estate.
I know you think ma's got money buried in the house.
What are you telling people about that other thing? Richie? He vanished into the witness protection program.
It's the truth, right, janice? Cozzerelli's funeral home noon tomorrow.
Does harper know his grandmother died? Him i'll pay for.
Bring him down from montreal.
He is your son.
Hal is on the pavers, tony, he's um a street person.
I'm sorry, i didn't know.
See, you're not the only one with problems.
Be there tomorrow.
Ain't you got a drink in the house? I wish-- there you go with that wishing stuff again.
I wish you was a wishing well then i could tie a bucket to you and sink you.
Maybe you found someone you like better.
Oh, tommy, let me make you a cup of tea.
Listen, ma, i came ove r to give you something.
Here, take this.
And when you need anymore, just say so , i'm making plenty.
We don't want your money, i'm taking care of ma.
On two bits a week? Ma don't go to nightclubs and she don't drink champagne.
How do you know? I used to dance when i was a girl.
Money don't me an nothing to me.
No, i guess not.
But with no heart and no brains, that's all you've got.
You'll need it.
Tommy, tommy! Tommy! His mother died last night.
No shit.
Ton', i'm so sorry to hear.
What are you gonna do? I know how you feel.
We lost mom last year.
You remember? At least she didn't suffer.
Ralphie, i need to talk to you albert you too.
Vito, have a sfogliatelle.
Carmela, she's gone.
C'mon.
Alright, who gave the order to torch one of albert's trucks? One of the trucks.
Be quiet, albert.
Talk to him, he lit up two of my dumpsters.
What's the matter with you? Both of you.
We're in the newspapers every fucking week with this shit.
My crew is in line for the raritan township contract, okay? This guy over there keeps whispering to albert-- your what? What did you say? Whose crew? You're the boss, you get to put in anybod y you want over the crew.
You're a captain, ralphie, when i say you're a captain.
And i'm gonna turn u p my hearing aid so i don't miss it.
Oh, you're gonna get cute with me? With my mother lying dead? Raritan township, the recycling manage r over there, joe zachary.
He knows who's in line for that contract.
But he keeps playing footsie with albert.
The next minute, he's threatening to go to the epa, bust us all.
He said that? Alright, fix it.
No- more- fires.
Dude, i'm gonn a ditch spanish.
I'll meet you by the trophy case.
How could we possibly get busted? Don't worry about it.
The boys' room behind the stage? They never check in there.
Mr.
Soprano, janice, barb, please.
Accept my condolences.
I'll use all my powers, all my skills.
Don't go crazy, i mean, you know.
Then we're not envisioning any visitation hours for mom? Well, you see, she didn't want any service of any kind.
I find that hard to accept.
Is is she still down at the hospital morgue? We brought mom here this morning.
She's downstairs.
There's gonna be a priest or something, though, right? Yeah, sure, a priest, i guess.
What would that be? You're not hav ing a funeral mass? And i'm not trying to sell here.
Well, she was catholic, but not religious.
I thought maybe we'd have a shindig at the house, you know after, so the grandkids could, you know.
I don't know.
I do know what mom's wishes were, but not to have a wake or a funeral? It makes us look like we're unloving children, not to mention cheapskates.
Who gives a shit what it looks like? The woman expressed her wishes.
I wish to honor my mother.
There's a lot of things i could say right now that i'm n ot gonna say! What, you think we should do something now? When she was young, she used to picture her funeral.
Alright, fine, you want to do something? Let's just do it.
Let's just stop talking aboutit.
Cozzerelli, you arrange everything.
The wake, the funeral, you send me the bill.
I want you to know, tony, that this all won't fall on you.
I'll do a painting for the overleaf of the program at the service.
Motifs from the mexican day of the dead.
Oh, one thing i'd like to suggest very strongly is at the house, everyone gathers and each one can voice a remembrance or a feeling about mom.
No, no, i don't want any of that california bullshit.
People can drink, they can eat some gorgonzola, they want to yak about ma, that's their business.
No,"i'm sorry", "my condolences", nothing.
Actually , that's good.
It's a relief you' re not saying nothing, you want t o know the truth.
Everybody else, all bullshit.
Here's the thing.
I'm glad she's dead.
Not just glad, i wished she'd die.
Wished.
I had this court case oming up.
She might have testified against me, so when i heard she was dead, relief flooded into my veins.
How do you feel about the fact that your own mother would have testified against you? Oh, c'mon, will yo u listen to yourself? I mean, is that right, wishing her dead? Is that bein g a good son? A good son? Yeah, a good son.
I mean, bad sons bad sons, what? They should fucking die.
That's a fucking miserab ' disgusting thing to be, a bad son.
I mean, your kid up at bard.
He better be a good son, right? You know, you're right.
Why the fuck shoul d i be a good son to that fucking demented, old bat? The fucking selfish miserable cunt? She ruined my father's life.
Oh, yeah.
But he wasn't her son.
What did she do to you? C'mon, that's a matter o f public record in here.
We both know.
You don't like to say it, do you? Who knows if she eve n knew what she was doing.
You're letting her off.
My uncle denies it, you know, that she took part.
Your uncle loves you.
I never said he didn't! Grown children often secretl wish for an aged parent to die and it's not necessary for the parent to be a witness for the prosecution.
It's a taboo thought, but common.
Particularly if the parent has lost all capacity for joy at being alive.
So, we're probab ly done here, right? She's dead.
What's happening? Tony soprano's mother's wake is tonight.
Want me to wear a wire? Why not, you need batteries? Let's go right over here to office depot.
Janice.
I'm downstairs! Hey.
Hey.
Mom would want a closed casket, don't you agree? Definitely.
They usually put a picture on the casket, what do you think? Wow, look at that.
She's smiling.
She looks normal.
Maybe it was us kids who turned her into a freakin' sourpuss.
Maybe it was one of us.
Oh, get-- get the fuck-- get off! Alright, alright! You know, maybe you're right.
My shrink says tha t all women are not cu t out to be mothers.
Is that a slam at me? No.
Look, if my father was in the freakin ' "cirque de soleil", maybe i would've turned out like har-- hal.
This is fucking weird.
What? None of my childhood schoolwork or artwork or anything, for that matter is here anymore, nor barb's.
Get the fuck out of here.
"Anthony soprano.
mr.
Martino.
" I had him.
"Why "fear strikes out", by jim piersall is a good book.
" Take a look.
She only saved yours.
What are you talking about? Here's barbara's communion certificate.
Here's h er baby shoe.
Yeah, that's it.
Nothing of mine.
Everybody agreed that i had extraordinary visualization skills.
Those pencil drawings i did of grandpa.
They're good.
Ton', sorry.
Tony, i'm sorry.
He's disrespectful.
Thanks for coming.
Fucking motherfucking pain in the fucking ass! Could we not, huh? With the tantrums? For this shit, i miss th e jet's first home game! Are they sayin' when your making ceremony might happen now with this delay? Stop asking fucking questions! Even if i knew , i couldn't tell you.
Hit me, hit me.
Every little bit helps.
Anything to get through these events.
Hey.
What a fuckin' blow.
Not you too.
I'm serious.
What are you breaking the terms of your house arrest? I got a dispensati on from the marshals.
She's my sister- in- law, for chrissake.
My dad's very ill too.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming.
Tony, allow me to expres s my condolences and those of the eighth ward.
Thank you, assemblyman.
I met your m om once or twice.
That was a proud newarker.
Oh, hey, hey.
My sympathies, tony.
We talked about this day, did we not? You know state assemblyman zellman, right? From the eighth ward? Do i know this guy? You bet.
Yes, we go way back.
How are yo u, assemblyman? Reverend.
Uncle jun', you alright? They're droppin' like fucking flies.
It's all that charcoal- broiled meat you people ate.
Nobody told us till the'80s.
I'm kidding you, you old fuck.
What's the matter with you? Bacala said you wanted to seeme.
I gotta talk to that wife of yours first.
Uncle jun', c'mon.
This is a funeral, enough of her soigne attitude.
What do you want? I'm hoping that we can use this sad occasion to put bitterness and sore- headed feelings aside.
I'll behave how tony wants.
I don't want to add to his stress.
There they are.
Hi, uncle jun'.
Hi, uncle jun'.
How's that surfboard i gave you? Ow! Jun' tony's waiting.
Ralphie cifaretto got word to me.
So, what does he want? He wants a bump up to captain.
The kid's been a top fucking earner ever since that rat bastard went in the program.
You can't deny it.
Ralphie's whipped richie's crew into shape over there.
And three months ago by you the rat bastard was the second fuckin' comin'.
Why do you do this to me? Because i'm the boss o f this family, you forget.
I forget nothing.
Don't make me say things to you we'll both regret.
Go ahead, i'm fucking fed up.
Hey.
I'm on the street.
That's the arrangement.
Stay home, clip your coupons, be a happy man.
Things are good, i'll grant you that.
But this economy is so robust, you get credit for shi t you had nothing to do with.
Fucking chinks and housewives are betting football.
You better be finished.
Joe zachary? Yeah.
Oh, boys, no fires.
Tony doesn't want any fires.
I ain't so tough.
Well, zach, what do you think? Can't say.
Well, we'll hope for the best.
Doctor this is tom's mother, brother, and miss doyle.
The lord bless her and keep her.
The lord make his face to shine upon her and be gracious to her.
The lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace.
Amen.
Did you talk to her? She's sure you said something to him.
He won't discuss it, he clams up.
Beautiful sendoff, t.
Thank you, thank you.
I want to thank you fo r all you've done for her.
She was much work, but in the end, she defeated me.
Anyway we're not gonna be needing your service s anymore, obviously.
I'll be moving into the house.
So, if you could just get your stuff out of there by this weekend, i think th at would be good.
I stay there only during week when my fiance has his children with him.
Tony says i can continue situation until bill and me find house.
See, tony should hav e consulted me first.
I'm gonna be living at 55 benedek while we deal with the estate.
Speaking of which my mom had this kind o f extensive record collection.
Caruso, robert merrill, shitload o f broadway shows.
Many of them w ere in mint condition.
Do you kno w where they are? She gave to me those records.
What? She know i like american show tunes, so she give to me.
I didn't ask her.
But those are my mother's records and i feel ver y close to them.
I don't want to make trouble, but miss janice, i feel i have to respect her wishes.
Oh, c'mon.
This is just about you bogarting those discs for your ass.
Now, they're worth a fortune to the right collector.
I will not answer such here.
I want the entire discography back at the house by this weekend.
Mrs.
S.
How are you? Sit down.
How's your mother? You call her every day.
Mom passed away.
Really? When? About six months ago.
Please giv e her my regards.
Is she still on that crazy diet? I brought you something.
Umm from my restaurant.
I don't know if you remember vesuvio? Mrs.
S.
What's the matter? After what my son did to you how can i look you in the face? What did he do now? You don't blame him for setting the fire? Artie, what ar e you doing? C'mon, we have people arriving.
Let'sgo.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Look at her.
She's already becoming a robot like the rest of us.
I'm so sorry about your grandma.
At least she didn't suffer.
All her innocence is gone.
comes to that point in the service where the rabbi's supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased.
The rabbi says, "alas, i did not know this man, i'm new here.
You all knew him, you say something good about him.
" Dead silence.
Goes on for about a minute, two minutes.
Finally, a voice from the back,"his brother was worse.
" I'm walking ou t with the provolone.
And i think he think s i smell like that.
This "survivor" show somebody should find winne r, stick a pistol in the face, and say,"you not gonna survive this unless you give me fucking million dollars.
" That's not bad.
We could find ou t where they live.
"See how good you survive this, you pezzo di merda.
" Everyone, please, may i have your attention? At this time, we would like to ask you all to join us in the great room.
Form a circle, sit anywhere, the floor, whatever.
Get comfortable, so th at we can all be together and share a remembranc e or a feeling about the woman who has brought us all here today.
Goddamnit.
Please, everyone join us.
Paulie gualtieri, join us please? Thank you.
What the fuc k did i say, hmm? If you'd rather, i can invite them all back to her place.
Janice, what are you doing? Very good.
We could all take a break from eating for five minutes, it won't killus.
Most of you will probably remember that this was her favorite song.
I thought it might help us get rolling.
Herman? Rabkin? You two went back, almost to the pyramids.
I i guess what struck me most was she didn't mince words.
Between brain and mouth, there was no interlocutor.
Anthony jr.
I don't know what to say.
Ah, c'mon.
Lay off him, janice, move on.
She was my best friend.
If anybody died or was in the hospital, i could be sure i'd get a call from lee letting me know.
Thank you, fanny.
Thank you.
Okay.
What's good for the goose well, most of you will probably remember that i have an extraordinary visual sense.
When i was a child, my mother didn't let me rest on those laurels.
She didn't flatter me.
She believed that wild flowers blossomed best among the rocks.
With little water.
She was tough.
But she was right.
And she's the reason i make videos today.
Tony? Maybe you'd like to tell them how ma saved all your childhood schoolwork and varsity letters and none of mine or barbara's? You just did.
Wrap it up, janice.
I hear she didn't suffer.
For that we can be grateful.
Thank you.
They say there's no two people on earth exactly the same.
No two faces.
No two sets of fingerprints.
But do they know that for sure? 'Cause they would have to get everybody together in one huge space.
And obviously, that's not possible, even with computers.
Not only that, they'd have to get all the people who ever lived, not just the ones now.
So, they got no proof.
They got nothing.
Hey.
So, ton', she's dead.
What? I guess our little secret dies with her.
Hey, pick that up! What am i doing out here? Everybody's in there telling stories of her.
I got a beaut! Artie.
Artie! Artie, don't talk about that! Mrs.
Soprano may have passed, but who's to say there isn't another mrs.
Soprano just like her or will be? Maybe not with the same fears and paranoia, but the same.
What i'm saying is thank you, chris.
Thank you.
Umm this is such a crock of shit.
Carmela.
I'm sitting here thinkin g i should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother on the one hand.
On the other, i'm saying to myself, what kind of example am i setting? Evading and smiling, passing out cheese puffs over a woman that we all k was terribly dysfunctional! Who spread no cheer.
At all.
Carmela, be quiet.
This is my house! I'm leaving.
Let her talk.
Sit down! I'll speak if i want! Goddamnit, who are you, minister of propaganda? We suffered for years under the yoke of that woman.
Years! She estranged us from our own daughter.
Ruined i don't know how many goddamn christmases, i don't want to even begin to count.
Hugh.
Don't hand me that! Bullshit! You wanted it, you got it.
Here, here.
From beyond the grave even.
This is a woman who didn't want a funeral.
You all, her children, you ignored her wishes.
Only after she's dead, by the way.
She didn't want a funeral.
She didn't want a remembrance of any kind.
Why? She didn't think anybody would come.
She wouldn't write down her memories for her grandchildren because she figured nobody loved her enough to read them.
She knew there was a problem.
Um, there's desserts in the dining room if anybody wants some.
Yes, um and they're all from vesuvio.
Our new pastry chef, bobby vasquez.
Thanks.
Mike's here.
He's come to see you.
You must like mike a lot better than me.
No, no, tommy boy, you're my baby.
You're going to get well and strong.
All of us together again.
I'm almost glad this happened.
Yeah, this is mike.
When? You were? Fine.
Ma, they're bringing tom home.
They are, when? Right now, he's on his way.
Oh, it's wonderful.
I'll get his room ready.
I knew my baby would come home.