The Venture Bros (2003) s03e02 Episode Script

1 DR.
VENTURE: [ Sighs .]
All right, I got 50 smackers for each and every man willing to work an honest day at my compound.
Who's up for it? I'm taking rocket engineers radar-tracking operations managers super fusion fuel-rod insertion specialists with venturilium-handling experience and I'm gonna need one or two guys who can do phased-plasma spectrum analysis.
Any takers? Anybody? No? [ Sighs .]
[ Engine turns over .]
[ Up-tempo music plays .]
Geez.
They never learn.
And they get lamer every week.
Yeah, looks like Manosaurus.
Better go check if he's got any henchmen stuck further down.
DR.
VENTURE: All right, all right enough about how great you're doing! It was a rhetorical question.
What I'm really calling about is just to, uh give you a heads-up.
I've got a meeting this morning with a certain 4-star general to discuss a certain hot business deal with a certain me.
You got a meeting with Manhowers, huh? - That's great, Rust.
- Yes, it is.
Tell him I say hi, the choppers he ordered will be ready a week ahead of schedule.
So, anyway next time you do a photo shoot for one of the science rags get ready to move over because I'm lifting my self-imposed media blackout.
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, you saw the super-scientific American piece, did you? That must have been one of the gals in my P.
R.
Department.
[ Beeping .]
Hup.
Hang on a sec.
You have a Puerto Rican department? Hello? What? Rusty? Still here.
- New phones.
Hello? - Hello, Dr.
Venture? Still me.
Hadji.
Give me good news, buddy.
I wish that I could, Dr.
Venture, but this is not so! Hello.
I can hear you.
We have had some problems on the line.
Come on, Raj, are you snowballing me? You promised you'd put on extra shifts to make the street date.
A thousand pardons, Dr.
Venture! Get off! Get off! We are trying to work for you! But I I have Jonny staying with me, and he is in a bad, bad way! Car! He's early.
Boys, inside.
Doc! Doc! Code green! The eagle has landed! What am I to do?! [ Wailing .]
My wife will leave me if I bring him to the house again but he is like my brother to me! Brother! Hold on, Raj, I forgot.
I got Rusty on the other line.
Rusty?! Has he asked you for money yet? [ Both laugh .]
Hold on, Hadji.
Rust, you still there? HADJI: Crap, did he hear us?! DR.
VENTURE: Places, everyone.
Places! Turn on the juice! [ Coughing .]
[ Southern accent .]
Uh, Dr.
Venture, please.
I got an appointment.
And you are? General H.
I.
Manhowers, United States Armed Forces.
[ Whispering .]
OK, now.
Yes, yes, of course.
$1 0 million will be fine.
And anytime the European Space Agency needs more you know where to find us.
Grazie, signore Ventura.
Ciao.
Guten Tag.
Oh, hello, you must be General Manhowers? [ Chuckles .]
Oh.
Well, shall I give you the grand tour? But wait.
Why walk when you can ride in style? Moving walkway.
Hmm.
[ Telephone rings .]
DR.
VENTURE: Hold all my calls! Venture Industries? [ Scoffs .]
Dean, they can't hear you.
You don't have to pretend that hard.
[ Nasal voice .]
They can't? [ Normal voice .]
Oh, OK.
[ Gasps .]
I'm on.
- Morning, dad.
- Hello, son! Say, is that where my top-secret experimental hover boots have gotten to? Sorry, pop.
I couldn't resist.
They've got 1 ,001 uses around the home, at work or in combat situations.
[ Chuckles .]
Boys will be boys.
- Hmm.
- Morning, Dr.
Venture.
"Hey, pop!" "Hey, pop.
" [ Panting .]
All right, what's next? Ah, "Future man.
" Costume's on the rack, wig's over here makeup's in the bottom tray.
Line? Line! [ Monotone .]
"Dr.
Venture, quickly, the future is in peril.
" TRIANA: "She swoons.
"Dr.
Venture catches her, and they kiss passionately.
" Ugh.
Who writes this crap? Jeepers creepers! What do you got there? Oh, you like that? It's just a little stealth bomber I've been noodling around with in my spare time.
[ Chuckles .]
Now you're talking.
What say we get down there for a little looky-loo? Oh, uh, well, it's not, uh, finished yet.
Maybe next visit.
Though I got to wonder why you'd put a big logo on a stealth plane.
Um, so we can find it, of course.
[ Chuckles .]
And now for the coup de grace-- the most highly restricted area of the Venture compound-- our Rocket Research Observation Command Center or Rrocc! [ Gasps .]
Uh, just-- just a sec.
Uh, uh uh, I [ Chuckles .]
Looks like it's seen better-- say, where is everyone? Yeah, I gave the staff the day off.
The week.
Jewish holidays.
[ Explosion .]
What the Not now, not now, not now.
MAN: Venture! Face me, Dr.
Venture! Face me if you dare! Uh, I'll take care of this.
Hey.
Hey! MANHOWERS: Uh, this kind of thing happen a lot 'round here? Um, my archenemy quit so lately I've got every Tom, Dick, and Skeletor out to make a name for himself knocking on my door.
GENERAL: Who's that other fella talking to him? DR.
VENTURE: Oh, he's another valued customer of mine.
Aah! Aah! Uh, diplomat.
Hell of a lot of brand loyalty from the big Indian.
- Stop it! Please! - Come here, you little - Aah! Aah! - Come here! Hyah! Hyah! [ Roars .]
Aah! Well, since everything seems to be under control out here what say we head back inside and talk business? Nah, I think I've seen enough.
Wait.
Wait! That's not all I've got.
Look! Zero-gravity pen! It writes in space.
You keep it, son.
Truth is, you got a lot of impressive stuff here - no two ways about it.
- Aah! Aah! A lot of it's the same impressive stuff I saw back when your dad was running the show only it all still worked.
Is this about your shoe? Because if you wait 20 minutes, it'll come back around.
Oh, I don't know how gum got on the walkway.
Yeah, yeah, thanks for showing me around, Dr.
Venture and for the Fruitopia.
Can't remember the last time I had one of those.
[ Engine turns over .]
And speaking of shoes you haven't seen these yet-- spy shoes! The soles flip around so that the Russians can't follow your footprints! I-I call them sneakies.
Oh, stop it.
It's over.
We're not really gonna have to sell the compound, are we, pa? I don't know, Dean.
I don't know.
Why don't you ask Uncle J.
J.
for another loan? He's rolling in the dough.
[ German accent .]
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I am Dr.
Henry Killinger.
And this is my résumé.
"Freelance business consultant and executive motivational coach.
" - I don't know if I can afford-- - I work pro bono.
Great! When can you start? I already have.
Whoa! You cannot hope to reverse your regrettable financial straits without increasing production und workflow.
To do this, you will need a highly skilled full-time staff, und here they are.
Jesus! How did the Well, team building is a specialty of mine.
I can't-- they don't look Mexican! How am I supposed to pay all these people?! You won't.
The state will.
These men are part of a work furlough program.
I call them the Venchmen.
Do you get it? Venture? Vench-men? No, no, I get it.
I'm just imagining what the super-science workers union is gonna say when they get a load of the scabs.
They've been on strike for, like, two years.
DEAN: Da-a-d! The manufacturing wing-- it's on fire! Aw, looks like we're under attack again.
Everybody in the panic room.
I'll take care of this.
Relax, my friend.
There will be no more attacks.
What you see is not fire but industry breathing new life into the corpse of the Venture compound.
I've never seen it do that before.
Me neither.
Wow! You're some kind of magic man! No, you are the magic man.
BOTH: Wow! I suggest you put that into a high-yield mutual fund.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have much work to do.
[ Indistinct conversations .]
KILLINGER: Gentlemen.
Esteemed representatives of the machine workers nuclear engineering and custodial super-science unions I have read your list of grievances and am prepared to make you a very generous offer on behalf of Venture Industries.
Who the hell are you?! Killinger-- Dr.
Henry Killinger.
And this is my magic murder bag.
Well, gentlemen, we have a deal on the table.
What do you say? Any takers? QUIZBOY: "Notice of hostile takeover"? Who? Venture? What a dick! Wait, we're not even a publicly traded company.
Oh, uh, FYI-- I issued some shares back when we needed cash for the Nintendo Wii.
What?! We're supposed to be partners! Why didn't-- is this supposed to be me? As a griffin, yeah.
Well, we're partners, ain't we? - Why are you a Minotaur? - Centaur.
Eviction?! But I'm not in arrears! The company is going back into arachnid research.
Your quarters have been rezoned.
What? Why, Mr.
Venture will hear of this! Dr.
Venture has given me power of attorney in all business matters.
Wait.
There's something strange about you, doughy mystery man.
I sense-- hmm-- the presence of-- hmm Hmm Your powers are useless on me, you silly Billy.
Aah! You have until noon tomorrow to vacate the premises.
Good day.
Yeah, I have just the thing to snap him out of it back at my place.
TRIANA: I didn't know who else to call.
Thank you so much for doing this, Al.
Before you thank me be warned-- I only have one bed.
It's a horsehair mattress, so if you guys aren't allergic - and you don't mind sharing - Ugh.
I know, I know, sharing a bed with this guy's like sleeping with a 1 0-speed bike.
You two? It's not what you think.
We did a lot of road gigs in the old days.
Yo, beefcake! Can we get a hand truck over here, or what? You want me to what?! Now that we have repaired your business structure we must get to work on repairing your soul.
I'm not following you.
You will never be able to reach your full potential until you first confront your deep-seated fear of success.
Now get into the bag.
What's in it? Only what you take with you.
OK.
I'm standing in a bag.
[ Echoing .]
Are you? This is-- this is my old kitchen.
I remember this wallpaper.
Hey! "Remember.
" Remember what? What does this have to do with my super-science business? Hello?! Hello, Rusty! You're up bright and early.
I heard noises.
Oh, um, daddy had a little sleepover.
Say, uh, what ya eating there? Alpha Dog! [ Alarm ringing .]
I like Apple Mummy better, though.
[ Chuckles .]
Apple Mummy.
Either way, the thing is you've got to get a good breakfast because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
King Nutri-man's my favorite but you don't get a prize! Aw, what are you trying to do to me?! This is the moment your feelings of inadequacy first manifested themselves-- when your father turned from role model to tormentor/rival.
What are you going to do about it?! Pop?! Help me, pop! Hold tight, Rusty! I'll have you out of this in a jiff.
No, do not call out to your father to save you.
He is the one who tied you up und buried your dreams in this tomb.
He commands these creatures of the dark-- fear, self-loathing, stinkin' thinkin', und dillydallying.
Free yourself and destroy this temple of failure! Ugh! Aah! Rusty? What's all that racket? The goliath will not stop crushing your soul until you slay him once und forever.
Kill him! Take your rightful place on the Venture throne und become the golden boy/king godhead.
Lights out, son.
It's time for bed.
Do it-- slay him now and forever be free! The son has become the father und the floodgates of heaven have opened.
Prosperity rains upon you.
Mmm.
Ah, but who is this tiny little man? Why is he stealing your birthright? [ Gagging .]
Careful-- the vision was so traumatizing to your psyche you had a seizure.
What?! How did I get in here?! Why am I naked? Did you slip me a roof-o? You're naked because you've been born again.
Your old clothes, your old life no longer fit you.
But I have something that will.
Und I'll be needing my wallet back also.
[ Knock on door .]
Ah, Mr.
Samson.
Uh, yeah.
Here, it's a little housewarming gift.
Give it here, big man.
Ah? Tch-tch-tch.
Pop a squat.
You're just in time to rescue us from Mr.
Goodtimes here.
Er, to what do we owe this unannounced but welcome pleasure? I dunno, bored, I guess.
Then you've vanquished your demonic intruder? Excellent! I presume you've come to invite us back to home? Uh, no, that new Killinger guy got rid of all those costumed schmoes who kept bugging us, so there's just not a whole hell of a lot for me to do at the compound.
What?! Not a lot to do?! Mr.
Samson, are you not spiritually and morally outraged to find yourself the tenant of the devil himself?! Huh? Oh, well, sure, you know, I was pissed when he told me I'd have to start paying rent.
Even more when he gave me a retroactive bill for the last two years.
But he explained how I could write it all off so now I'm getting way more back from the I .
R .
S.
and I come out ahead of the game.
But what of your boys? Surely you don't think them safe in the hands of the beast! Gods, he's probably shaking them as we speak! Shaking them like a nanny possessed! The boys? No, no, no, no, he's crazy about them and they're crazy about him.
[ Singsong .]
Where's Hank? [ Giggling .]
BROCK: Dean's really excelling in his studies getting great progress printouts from his learning bed which I got to credit to Killinger's tutoring.
Well, what did we learn? BROCK: I'm not sure about some of the stuff he's teaching Hank.
This man stole from your father.
Teach him the meaning of loyalty.
BROCK: But he's got a PHD in child psychology so, you know, whatever.
Have you not the eyes to see what he's doing?! I have touched his mind! His is the way of the serpent and the apple! He's seduced your employer with the poison promises of a Faustian covenant giving with one hand as he macerates your souls with the other! We must stop him at once! ! Oh.
DR.
VENTURE: I'm not sure about this.
If you want to be a power player you need to look like one.
How is the fit? [ Clears throat .]
Snug, but there's room.
You'll grow into it.
Well, it's different.
Richard Nixon said the same thing when I gave him his first power tie.
What do these things do? This one is for your diet pills, and this is for what have you.
Hmm.
Hm.
- I like it.
- Ah.
I-I'm sorry [ Sobs .]
I've become the proud papa.
Oh.
I love mein job.
[ Grunts .]
- Whew! Hey-o! - Shh! Ah, shit.
That's new.
Intruders on the grounds.
Should we call it in to the doctor? [ Gasps .]
Magic cloak of concealment! [ Grunts .]
Hurry, now.
Oh, please hurry.
Can't keep it up! Oh! [ Panting .]
KILLINGER: The universe wants you to be happy und have all the things you want in life.
She is waiting to pour out her bounty of blessings upon you.
Visualize the things you want in your mind's eye.
If they belong to someone else, take them.
We will cover lethal force in the next-- Why are we putting on these getups, again? Because he knows my face and because he's magic.
What are we, chopped liver? We're somewhat less magic, so we must resort to Mr.
Samson's plan of subterfuge and attack.
Are you finished? I'm very excited about this plan.
[ Chuckles .]
DR.
VENTURE: Ow! I thought I gave you power of attorney so I wouldn't have to be bothered with this kind of crap! This is different.
It must be in your own hand und only in blood.
Well, you've got enough of it to print a KISS comic book with.
What the hell am I signing, a Zeppelin? A most sacred pact-- membership in the most elite brotherhood mit exclusive arching rights.
[ Sighs .]
Didn't have to go through all this hooey to get my first archenemy, but what the hey? Did you pick me a good one? No.
You did.
What?! My brother?! Bingo.
Isn't it perfect? It's a classic Cain und Abel story.
Well-- but-- but he can't arch me.
He's not even a super-- Oh, my god.
This is-- but I'm not a Aren't you? Is this not what your heart was trying to tell you in your visions? Sign it! Make your blood feud official! Act now! Venchmen are standing by for your order! Ready, Dr.
O? On 3.
1 2 [ Beep .]
Uh, gee, would you-- oh! Would you Ugh! The fiend! It's as if he's cast a spell of binding on the machine! OK, OK, plan "B.
" Al, take the door.
I swear, this has never happened to me before.
Oh, does nothing work in this place?! [ Gasps .]
We're too late! Venchmen! Aah! This is it.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, pardon me.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Thanks for this opportunity.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
Hey, nice working with you, man.
Doc, you OK? I-I don't know.
I-- he-- he thinks I'm a-- Brock, am I a bad person? What the hell just happened? Am I, Brock?! Uh Where is the one called Killinger?! Uh, he-- he left.
Uncle Henry's gone? No! But we saw you sign His severance agreement.
I didn't sign the-- the other thing.
So he thanked me for my time wished me luck, and then just flew out the window.
With your pants? Is that the severance package? That sucks.
Well, did he at least leave a note?! He's supposed to take me rock climbing tomorrow! Oh, hell, I'll take you, Aqualad.
Hold me, Brock? Uh, no.
Please? I feel so empty.
What? You guys said you wanted to help "Not with a stolen dick.
" KILLINGER: "All the world's a stage "und all the men and women merely players.
"They have their exits and their entrances "und one man in his time plays many parts "his acts being seven ages.
" Ha ha! You said it, killer! And you can read more about it in the Bible.
Bill, bill, bill, final notice.
Hmm.
Ugh! Oh! June 6, 2003?! I really gotta get my shit together.