The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s03e02 Episode Script

You sell horse parts? No, sir, I do not.
[ Horse snorts .]
-Then what do you sell? -Well, l'm glad you asked.
l'm here straight from Carson City, been traveling two straight days to spread the word about the amazing new invention that sure as hell-fire is going to revolutionize the Old West.
Well, spit it out, little feller.
I ain't got time to gab.
I got a broken horse over there.
A man of few words, I like that.
Let's get to the point.
Take a look around this town.
What do you see that's missing? Well, ol' Jim got his chin blowed off by that drunk Chinese last week.
Ha ha ha! No.
I don't think I sell chins.
I mean, look around you.
What do you think is missing? Well, I guess a stable form of government.
We ain't had a lawman round these parts since Sheriff Jenkins got his guts blown out by that drunken Chinese.
Ha ha ha ha ha! No! What's missing from this town is merriment! Merry mints? Joyousness! Childlike wonder! Go on.
I have come here with a contraption that brings a lighthearted sense of carefree fun to this town.
I present to you the water balloon.
Water.
.
.
balloon? Tell me, sir.
When was the last time you guffawed out loud? Well, God.
I guess it would have been before the fever took my little [ Laughing .]
I'll take five of 'em.
Five water balloons coming right up! [ Balloon explodes .]
MAN: What the hell? [ Footsteps .]
You sell water boobs? Oh! Water balloons! Yes! I got a score to settle.
Give me ten.
All right, you snake in the grass! Son of a bitch! Take this! [ Balloon explodes .]
What did I do? [ Footsteps .]
I need your biggest water baboon.
l'm afraid they only come in one size.
Then I got to go pay that drunken Chinese a visit.
I got a score to settle.
Well, wait a minute.
I might have something to help you settle this score of yours.
Ta-da! The Water Noodle.
And that's like a water balloon? What in the hell? It's a little different than a water balloon.
You get it wet and you smack people with it.
We have to be even! I'll take two.
Well, howdy, Bill! I need some more water balloons.
Did you enjoy your first set? Very much so.
Do these work with pee? Oh, well.
I suppose so.
A liquid is a liquid.
Back again! So soon? That was my pee! You sell bullets? Sure do! And blacks? Just got a new shipment in today! Uh So, Timmy, I got your bloodwork in.
And I have a couple of questions.
Okay.
Just about how many hot dogs do you eat a day? How many hot dogs? Yeah.
Geez.
I don't know.
I mean, you know, some days I could eat a couple and some days I don't eat any.
Okay.
Let's just say for an average.
Take your whole week and try to figure out what your daily amount would be.
-I have no idea.
-Just try.
Okay.
A whole week Average per day would be something like, I don't know, seven.
Seven hot dogs? Seven, yeah.
A day? ls that high? It's a little high.
ls that bad? Well It's not good.
I mean, l'm just ball-parking here, you know? Sure, sure.
Timmy, I wanna try something if you don't mind.
Walk me through one of your days.
Walk you through my day? Yeah, just take me through a day in a life of Timmy.
Okay.
Well I wake up, and I take a shower.
And, you know, get ready for work.
I go downstairs and I have a bagel and something for breakfast.
And something? A hot dog.
Hot dog.
Okay.
I mean, I do usually eat a hot dog there.
Okay.
Then I take the train to work.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Does anything happen on the way to work? Oh.
Ha ha.
I almost forgot.
On the way to the subway there is a hotdog stand, so I usually have one or two, yeah.
Two hot dogs.
Yeah.
I usually have two hotdogs before work.
So that's three hot dogs before work.
Right, yeah.
If you gonna count the one at home.
I mean, this is all just breakfast, you know? No, I understand.
I get it.
Then I just go through my whole day at work.
Okay.
Hold up.
Walk me through your workday.
What happens at lunch? Oh, lunch, well I mean, some days I'll just blow through lunch because of how busy I am and all.
Really? Well l'm pretty sure I did that once.
Okay.
Well, on the days that you're not ''blowing through lunch'' what do you have? Well, on those days sometimes it could just be a salad Could it? Yeah.
But it's usually It's usually hot dogs? Yeah, it's usually hot dogs.
How many hot dogs? I don't know.
Anywhere between one and .
.
.
four.
Four hot dogs.
Yeah, that's probably safe.
Well, I hope there's no more hot dogs in the day 'cause we're up to seven now.
Yeah, on second thought, that number might be a little low.
[ Heavy metal music plays .]
Did you hear about the Nazi Pig Fuckers show last night? No.
What happened? The cops came in and broke up the show while they were tuning.
They didn't even play one song.
Whoa! That's so fucking punk, man! lt was awesome.
Did you hear about the Rapeface show on Thursday? No.
What happened? Dude! They played one song and the singer OD'ed, and they had to stop.
Awesome, man! Punk fucking rock, dude! Yeah.
Hey, Sheila.
Hey, guys.
Five bucks.
Stamp your own hands, no ins, no outs.
What happened to your face? I got into a fight with my mom, so I went to the mall and I pierced my eyelids 'shut.
ls that cool? Does it make me look uglier? Well, yeah.
Then it's cool.
Who's playing tonight? J.
J.
Marvin.
Who is that? Some guy from New York.
He's, like, crazy or something.
Every show he does he gets, like, all bloody and craps on himself.
-Whoa! -That sounds fucking awesome! -Yeah.
-It's pretty punk.
Did you guys put the money in the bucket? Yeah! These better not be ones! Hey! If you see my mom, tell her what I did! Five bucks, no ins, no outs.
[ Crowd cheers .]
Are you fuckers ready to see the fucking punkest man on the planet? [ Crowd cheers .]
Well, then, buckle the fuck up for J.
J.
Marvin! -Yeah! Fuck, yeah! -Yeah! Hello, everybody.
Hi.
lt is great to see so many fresh young faces out supporting live music.
Thank you all for coming.
l'm J.
J.
Marvin.
And let's just jump into it with a song, shall we? Here we go.
In the summertime when the world feels new l'd love to come along and spend the day with you We could hang out at the lake or ride a bike for two And say, ''Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!'' What the fuck is this shit? In springtime when the leaves are green You see the biggest blue skies that you have ever seen And bees will come out and say ''Bzzz! Bz! Bz! Bzzz! Bz! Bz!'' This is It's gay.
[ Buzzing bee sounds .]
Whoa, dude.
Bzz, bzz, bzz! Bzz, bzz, bzz! And in the autumn months when the world is gold You hear the greatest camp stories that have ever been told And the birds will come out and say, ''Kaw! Kaw! Kaaaw!'' Kaw! Kaw! Kaaaw! Kaw! Kaw! Kaaw! Kaw! Kaw! Kaaaw! Ku-Ku! Kaw! Kaw! Kaw! Kaaaw! Dude, is this cool? Would your mom like it? No.
Then it's cool.
Kaw! Kaw! Kaaaw! In the wintertime when the winds blow strong And the days are short and the nights are long You can rest assured that friends will come along And say, ''Brrrr! Br! Br! Brrr! Br! Br! Brrrr! Br! Br!'' Whoa, dude, you're totally getting peed on! This show is punk fucking rock! ls it? Yeah, dude! You're, like, totally covered in pee right now! Oh, yeah! I guess I am! Punk fucking rock! Brrrr! Brrr! Br! Br! Punk fucking rock! It's absolutely crazy the way things work.
Okay, so, I have this friend Karen, right? She works here in the city, but the company that she works for is based out of Madrid.
And so when she has her baby in August she's gonna get four months paid maternity leave.
What company did you say this was? I don't know, they make sombreros and bull capes and something.
The point-- -Oh, fucking gross! -Oh, gross! Our feets touched! -He touched my foot! -You touched my foot! Oh, yeah? You wish I would! Oh, that's disgusting! Ugh! Great! Great! I probably have to go burn my foot off now! Yeah, l'm probably gonna have to go cut my foot off! Oh, yeah, probably! l'm probably gonna have to go and cut both my feet off! Oh, yeah? l'm probably gonna have to go cut both my feet off and then go burn them in the bath tub or something! Oh, gross! Disgusting! Ugh! Ugh! Cindi, Debra's boyfriend is totally trying to just fuck my foot under the table or something.
Hey, Debra, Cindi's boyfriend's a total queerbate.
P.
S: Totally! You're the queerbate.
You're probably only dating Debra so you could someday come to this dinner and then hump my foot with your fuckin' foot under the table all the time.
Yeah, you're probably not even gonna cut your foot off.
Or if you do, it's probably just so that you can dress it up and make out with it all the time 'cause it touched me.
Fuck you, you fucking spic! Sam.
I'll fuckin' cut my foot off right now! I'll go in the bathroom and cut my foot off with the hand dryer.
Oh, well, good! l'm probably gonna do that too! 'Cause I can't stand being connected to this foot anymore since you gayed all over it.
Well, I hope you like waiting in line, 'cause l'm gonna do it first.
Then, do it! You do it! You do it first! You probably just want me to get up so you can look at my butt.
Oh, yeah, right! lf I did see your butt, l'd probably barf, like, a thousand times! Oh, yeah, barf out of happiness! -Oh, yeah, right! I hate you! -You love me! -No.
You love me.
-I hate you! Yeah? Then why'd you try to touch my feet all the time? Oh, yeah, you wish I would! So, sombreros and bull capes.
I mean, that sounds pretty exciting.
But that's not the point.
The point that l'm trying to make is that these companies over in Europe, they have all these benefits that they take for granted that we would absolutely kill for.
-Well, it is a different culture.
-I think we work too hard.
-Agh, I know.
-Here's to progress.
Oh.
I knew you weren't gonna do it! I didn't do it 'cause you were sitting there staring at me pretending I was naked and gay! Why didn't you do it? I didn't do it 'cause I knew you were gonna puss out.
Then l'd have no feet and you could just rape me in the bathroom for days and days and days.
Oh, yeah, like l'd have to rape you! You're practically begging me to! l'm begging to have dinner with someone who is not so gay that they just keep trying to jerk off my feet under the table all the time! [ Indistinct conversations .]
Could someone please pass the salt? Oh! No! -You touched my hand! -You touched my hand! Martha, no, I've said this 1000 times, we have to move the giraffe habitat off of that hill.
Every time a thunderstorm comes through, we lose two of them.
And those things, they are expensive.
Yes, they are, Martha! Martha, yes, they are! [ Intercom beeps .]
There's a Mr.
Milo here to see you.
Martha, l'm gonna have to call you back, okay? Kendra, I don't know who that is.
Mr.
Milo's coming in.
Kendra, l-- Terry Milo.
Thanks for seeing me, sir.
Hi, Terry.
Ah, what can I do for you? Well, l'm here for a job.
Well, Terry, l'm the head zookeeper here.
I don't really do the hiring.
We have a personnel department for that.
Mr.
Zookeper, I know I don't look like much, but I got it where it counts.
Just give me a chance to prove myself, that's all I ask.
Look, Terry, that kind of thing is really not up to me.
Now you could go down to human resources, I do happen to know that we have a couple of openings in the gift shop.
There's a cashier's spot.
No, no, no.
Don't worry about that, man.
I don't want one of those sissy, button-pushing jobs.
l'm here to do the real work.
What--? What real work? l'm the guy! l'm the guy that goes around the zoo and wails on the animals when they're bad! l'm sorry, what? You know! Lay the smack down on them when they act up.
I'll wail on all of 'em! I'll wail on a giraffe, I'll wail on an otter! I'll even wail on a whale! Okay, Mr.
-- I walked around your zoo, Mr.
You got some bad animals.
Mr.
Milo-- I mean, you got some animals in here that are just beggin' for a beat-down.
Okay, Mr.
Milo, please-- I went to your prairie dog exhibit, I was up there for 10 minutes, I didn't see not one of them stick their heads outta their holes.
Well, it's mid-day, and it's been incredibly hot lately.
Then I went up to see your lions and they were all just sleepin'.
All of them, not doing a nothin'! That's normal.
You don't need to put up with bad lions.
Now, I know a lot of people are afraid of wailing on 'em, but not me.
I'll put the hurt on 'em! Especially lions.
Mr.
Milo-- l'm serious.
You'll see.
You're gonna have some busted up lions limping around here.
Okay.
Mr.
Milo! l'm serious.
I'll go to town.
Mr.
Milo, we do not ''go to town'' or ''wail'' on the animals in this zoo.
I punched a monkey square in the face once.
-What? -He didn't even do anything wrong.
lt was just to show the other monkeys I was serious.
Mr.
Milo! That monkey was my friend too.
He didn't know what hit him.
I called him over with some jellybeans in my hand.
He was like, ''Oh, thank you for the jellybeans!'' POW! Right in the face! Good monkeys for a week.
Mr.
Milo! What you are suggesting is despicable, illegal and immoral! And that is not the way that we run things in my zoo! l'm not a cop.
Show me your tits.
Thank God! Man, we got this new Panda here, he's a real asshole.
Our last guy, he left, like, two months ago, and it has been hell.
Take me to him.
You got any jellybeans? ANNOUNCER: Okay! Is the house ready for the new Fall lineup? [ Screaming .]
Yeah! All right, ladies, get ready, 'cause here comes clothes! Look, ladies, it's another lady who's wearing a red dress.
And what would go better with a red dress? A red purse! I need that purse! Oh, wait, ladies.
Sparkles! Oh, my God, ladies! Get ready for something really exciting! From the makers of the red dress comes another red dress with gloves! [ All yelling with excitement .]
Sorry, ladies.
No sparkles with this dress.
Just kidding! [ All screaming .]
Ladies, no clothing collection would be complete without a long frilly thing to tie around your neck! I want this! It looks so expensive! I wanna look expensive! ANNOUNCER: That's right, ladies! It is expensive.
And if you wear expensive things, then everyone knows that you're winning.
Well, ladies, that concludes our annual presentation of the Fall Collection.
Oh We'll see you next year! I wanna buy all those clothes.
I wanna get my husband to buy all those clothes.
I wanna buy all those clothes so I can get a husband.
[ Speaking indistinctly .]
Oh, there it is.
One more thing.
A big bag of shoes! Yeah! [ Music plays .]
NARRATOR: And by dropping the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom, frodo vanquished Sauron forever and banished him from the Land.
Gandalf rescued frodo from Mount Doom by sending a giant eagle into the mouth of the great volcano to pluck frodo from certain death and return him safely to the Shire.
The fellowship gathered one last time to celebrate their victory.
Hobbits, dwarves, elves and men, welcome back to the Shire! I've brewed some hinkleberry fizziwigs for you all to enjoy.
Come, let us celebrate the end of this Great War.
Gandalf what the fuck? What is it, my little hobbit? You wanna tell me how the fuck long you've had a giant goddamned eagle? Ho ho ho! Well, I've been friends with the Eaglekind for longer than you'd care to know or l'd care to remember.
Ho ho ho ho! Cut the shit, you old fruit! Frodo got stabbed in the arm by a Nazgul! That hurts! Well, l'm glad to see that everyone made it home from their journey.
Everyone didn't make it home from their journey.
Boromir is dead! Asshole! I got lost in the caverns of Mount Doom and had to fight a giant spider! I have nightmares every night! Well, we all have our nightmares that we must overcome.
Everybody shut the fuck up! Gandalf! Why the fuck didn't you just give the ring of power to your eagle friend and let him drop it in the caverns of Mount Doom?! Well, eagles cannot be trusted with that sort of immense power.
[ Eagle call .]
I mean, that sort of power can be very corrupting.
So, you know, Frodo is young and stout as hobbits are wont to be and he just, you know I used him.
Then you should have had the eagle carry me with the ring in my hand to Mount Doom, then pick me up and bring me back home.
Then we would've gotten all this done much more quickly and Boromir would still be alive! Boromir! Oh, my God! He's gone.
It's just sinking in.
It's final.
I fucking hate you! I fucking hate you! Enough! I am a Wizard, and I will not be interrogated by the likes of you! No, no, no.
He is just using this fishing line going from his finger to that light switch over there.
I got a lead pipe in my hand that says this old fuck ain't magic.
It's only one way to find out.
Rape him! Whoa, whoa, whoa!