Those Who Can't (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 Read this, geek.
Has anyone else noticed all the bullying going on around here? Jesus Christ, it's like a Russian disco raid.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Dashboard Confessional's - about to get it.
- Ohh! [BRITISH ACCENT.]
The southern cassowary flaunts his bright plumage, but his bid for attention has backfired.
His colorful locks have attracted not a potential mate, but a hungry predator.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
What? I've been bingeing "Earth Planet.
" Hey, did you guys know that penguins are birds? The new principal better crack down on this garbage.
Sorry, Fairbell, but you let bullying get way out of hand.
He's not Mussolini, all right? It's called free speech, lady.
Exactly.
You're just taking it too personally, shit jeans.
Uh, yeah, I am taking it personally.
It's like you've forgotten how awful bullying is.
Um, no, I never knew.
I was un-bully-able in high school.
Yeah, they called me Teflon Loren.
Bullies couldn't find an angle.
Where is the new principal? I bet he's closer than you might Hey.
Hi.
Quinn, you're principal again? That's right.
I a-a-a-am back! What the hell is he doing? Yeah, I'm going in.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through And the Nash Commission ruled that I did not receive competent representation from the law bros, so my conviction for solicitation was a-thrown out.
I told you not to hire those idiots.
And as usual, you were E Plurbis Unim Right on the money.
Hey, uh, Quinn, where'd they send you up to this time, huh? Florence Supermax? [CHUCKLES.]
Did you get to meet the shoe bomber? [LAUGHS.]
That is a fantastic joke, and I greatly admire the bravery in your haircut.
But anyways, I just want to thank you guys.
I, uh I think that Smoot High is in pretty good shape, especially considering the, um Well, just considering.
However A little disturbing news Ms.
Logan here has informed me we might have a little bit of a bullying problem.
Is that right? Yes, very correct.
Oh, come on, Abbey.
It's just being you're an alarmist.
There is a bullying problem.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Full of surging hormones, the young baboons release their pent-up rage upon one another.
Coach Fairbell, you weren't making the kids fight each other, were you? [NORMAL VOICE.]
No, we had pack runs, and I was the boss wolf.
Good, because I have personally seen the damage bullying can do when it's left unchecked.
Sure, it starts as mild teasing.
Then that teasing becomes taunting.
But then it becomes physical bullying.
Then after that, it turns into shower bullying Horrible rhythmic shower bullying.
- Geoffrey! - Y-Yes.
Okay.
Yeah, right.
So what we're gonna do is we're gonna attack this thing at the root.
We are gonna create Smoot high's first ever Bullying Awareness Week.
Wait.
Awareness Week? That's all you're doing? Abbey, nothing sells a problem like awareness.
And, honestly, I wish more people were aware of that.
Now, who here wants to join the anti-bullying faculty committee?! - No.
- No, I'm good.
I mean, I g I guess I will.
Anyone here, other than Abbey, interested in joining? Okay, there we go.
Outstanding.
Hey, somebody let bullying know its days are numbered.
[SNICKERS.]
See, now would anyone want to prevent bullying when it's so fun to watch? Unless, of course, you're on the receiving end of it, which I never was.
Not once.
Brady.
Present.
Hey, where'd you get your shirt? At a refugee camp? [LAUGHTER.]
LUCAS: I heard you threw it in the donation bin, and the bin threw it back.
- Ohh! - [LAUGHS.]
Nice.
Solid teamwork.
Oh, although, Lucas, your, uh, donation-bin burn kind of steps on the premise of Tina's burn, which is that Brady received the shirt as a donation.
You see what I'm saying? You might want to workshop that a little bit.
Who wants to try one in Español? Anybody? Yeah, Brett.
Brady shoves los burritos up his butt.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Hey! No! No! No, sir! You get out of my classroom with that garbage.
- What? - He doesn't shove things up his butt.
- People don't do that.
Get out! - What? And why would you guys laugh at that? You're sick.
- And you're the sickest.
- It was just a joke.
A student sodomizing themself with los burritos is a j FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Elephants in the wild are known to possess uncanny memories and often display emotional scars from events long in their past.
Knock that shit off, Fairbell.
You march.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
If you're not gonna finish that, I'll buy it off ya.
Okay.
Now, I know that the button craftsmanship leaves something to be desired, but let's try to get these on so the bullies can see awareness - is spreading like a wildf - Mine broke.
Julie, it is a button, okay? It's one of the easiest things to put on.
- You take that metal stabbing thing - [SIGHS.]
Sorry I'm late, but the button guy tried to bully me into paying the agreed-upon price.
Antibu? The exiled president of Sierra Leone? No, it stands for "anti-bully.
" It's the name of our new movement.
We're more of an ad hoc committee than a movement, Abbey.
Well, you were right about this bullying thing.
It's gotten way out of control.
Sit down.
This kid is all yours, and feel free to go full Abbey overboard on him, okay? Well, now, I thought you were anti-Antibu, which I guess would be pro-bu.
Well, I guess I changed my mind.
It turns out not bullying is the way to be.
You hear that, Brett? It is the way to be.
You see, even Loren agrees there's a problem, and he is the biggest asshole I've ever met.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- We need to stop this bullying problem once and for all.
Okay, I agree, but through a slow and gradual process with the incumbent checks and balances.
No, Quinn.
We need action.
Now! I nominate Abbey as Chair of Antibu.
Really? Seconds? I didn't realize that we had ratified a chairperson-nomination process.
I was literally the chairperson for three minutes.
Uh, but okay, if that's what the committee wants.
What's our first line of business? Well, uh, getting rid of these stupid buttons, right? Who made these, anyway? I did.
So, then the US Government comes in and says, "I'm sorry, Mr.
and Mrs.
Rosenberg, but you're not entitled to freedom of speech.
" Sound familiar? It should because we're kind of living Okay, uh, listen up, people.
I need Chad Gariazo, Ross Fillner, and Donald McNeely.
- Let's go.
Up.
- Whoa, whoa.
What's happening here? Oh, official Antibu business.
These three just earned themselves a week of suspension.
Whoa.
For what? Chad and Ross were overheard making nanoagressions against a sophomore drama student.
Well, w-what did I do? Nothing yet, but you're listed as a high risk to offend.
Whoa.
So we're so we're now punishing these kids for things they haven't even done? Look at Donnie's profile.
I mean, wrestling team, remedial math, plus his parents recently divorced.
- He's a ticking time bomb.
- They're not divorced.
They're just, you know, living apart for a little while.
Oh, yeah? Keep telling that to yourself, bully.
Wait, Abbey, real quick, uh, George Orwell called.
- Yeah? What'd he say? - He said you suck.
S-Slam.
Okay, bullies, let's go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stop.
All of you, sit.
You're not gonna come into my classroom and And infringe upon their First Amendment rights.
No.
You're all gonna go out, and you're gonna tell everybody in this school that no bully shall fear persecution here.
You tell them that room 401 is a safe haven.
Fine.
Fine.
As long as they don't bother the good kids.
Abbey, these are the good kids, okay? Maybe they just need a little compassion, a little moral guidance, ya nutcase.
- What? - Um, what about us? Yeah, you should get out of here.
You nerds aren't safe here, okay? Yeah, none of you are safe in 401.
Get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
Our hero returns.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm your hero? Yeah, you're the first teacher to actually stick up for us.
Oh, no, that wasn't about you guys.
Hey, where did all the cool jocks go? You mean those oafish brutes? They've been herded into Mr.
Shoemaker's room, where they can bother us intellectuals no more.
So many things about Castilian conjugation I've always wanted to learn.
I've just I've been afraid to ask.
You are finally free to teach, kind sir.
Ah.
And we are finally free to learn.
Hm.
Teach, teach, teach, [STUDENTS CHANTING "TEACH".]
We're chanting.
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Ugh.
FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
In the absence of predators, the prey are thriving, proud to display their true colors and follow their natural instincts.
You absolutely should've been told about those deadlines.
Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, actually, Zach here was just telling me about the ACTs.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Zach, that is great.
Well, bye-bye.
Got to get to class.
Okay.
Now, we have never been formally introduced.
My name is Geoffrey Quinn, and I am the returning principal.
[CHUCKLES.]
Stephen Sweeney.
I'm so glad you're here.
That Fairbell guy was in way over his head.
He let these three jackasses convince him it was Arbor Week.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, God.
I fell for that same gag my rookie year.
Ah, aren't they fun? I call them The Gang.
I'm sort of an auxiliary member myself.
But enough about them.
We can chat about that later.
I'm actually here to, uh, bend your ear about some personal issues.
Yeah.
Is that the couch over there, Herr Freud? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no, I'm not actually a therapist.
Oh, well, the sign says "Stephen Sweeney, Guidance Counselor.
" So how about some guidance, counselor? Kind of a tight couch here.
- That's because it's a chair.
- Sit all the way down here.
Kind of shuffle Oh, God.
It smells like a funeral home in here, you guys.
Mm, yes.
That would be my scalp medication.
It's finally safe to apply the full-strength ointment in class, thanks to you, my liege.
Hm? Ugh.
Ah.
Tres huras para nuestro maestro! - Don't.
- Hurrah, hurrah! [STUDENTS CHANTING "TEACH".]
Come on, guys.
God damn it.
QUINN: And after that day, Dirty Royce just kept taking my pancakes every morning.
That's probably why I let Abbey just come in and bulldoze me.
Be honest, doc.
Did I come back too soon? Well, again, not a doctor at all.
But you got to assert yourself.
I mean, the principal's the head of the school, and Abbey has to understand that she can't relegate you to a subordinate position.
By Josh, you're right.
I'm going to assert myself, just like you told me to do.
Thank you, Dr.
Sweeney.
[CHUCKLES.]
ABBEY: I saw it happen.
You did nothing.
She gave Alice her chips.
How is that bullying? That's body shaming.
That's how girls bully.
Uh, Ms.
Logan, can I check these out? I'm sorry.
Do you mind? We're in the middle of an Antibu meeting.
Ugh.
When did this become nerd central station? [CHUCKLES.]
I really think you're wrong about those girls, Abbey.
Well, you know what I think, Julie? I think you're too dumb to recognize bullying when you see it.
All those in favor of kicking Julie out of Antibu, raise their hands.
Um, hello? Okay.
That's what I thought.
- Buh-bye.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, here's some chips for the road, fatty.
[CRYING.]
Abbey, what was that all about? Julie wasn't Antibu material.
This is a club for people who want to stop bullying, not for some crybaby losers who suck at promoting kindness.
Okay, whoa.
I think you are forgetting what this is supposed to be about.
First off, it's not a club.
It's a committee.
Okay, well, thanks for the definition, Mr.
Webster.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- That's not funny.
And, secondly, I was supposed to be the head of this committee, but then you came in, and you took over.
You Dirty Royced me, Abbey.
Yeah, that's because we needed somebody with the balls to stop bullying, and that was not gonna be you, Fruit Loop.
Okay, right there.
Calling me "Fruit Loop.
" Many could construe that as a form of bullying.
You know, Antibu is for teachers only, and you're an administrator, so you can leave.
Abbey, you're not a teacher, either.
All those in favor of kicking Quinn out of Antibu, raise their hands.
- No, no, no, no.
- Okay, you're done.
Uh, why don't you have any buttons I can pull off? [CRYING.]
Because you made me throw them all away.
Don't forget your chips, tubs.
- [CRYING.]
- B-b-b-b-bye.
FAIRBELL: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Sensing weakness, the female red wolf will do anything to maintain her alpha status within the pack, even going so far as to attack former allies.
Fairbell, I'm gonna put you on a super-secret Antibu task force where you don't hang out with anyone from Antibu or tell anyone you're in Antibu.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Sounds like deep black throat ops.
- Okay, go.
- Oh, right.
Do I get chips? Sorry, there's not enough.
Oh, looks good.
Now get yourself one.
That's very good, Tina.
You know, y-you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but you teach a man to protect his fish, and he'll eat for like a few more days or something.
I don't remember how it goes.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the password? Man, fuck your password.
That's it.
Correct.
Have a seat.
- What's your name? - Mitch.
Everyone, let's give a warm 401 welcome to Mitch.
Hi, Mitch the Bitch.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Ohh! Whoo! [STUDENTS CHANTING "BITCH".]
- Because it rhymes.
- Really? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I think you're in the wrong room there.
No, I'm a cyber bully.
- Whoa! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- Okay.
All right.
- Hey, nice throwing, dickwad.
What'd you say, Mitch the Bitch? - Oh, you heard me right.
- Oh, yeah? - With your weak-ass hairline.
- Say it again.
Okay, everyone, just calm down.
No, no.
I wish you would.
Hey! Hey! Okay, everybody, calm down.
We're not fighting against each other.
Remember, we're We're supposed to be united against our common enemy, which is persecution.
- You're next, asshole.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.
You can't call me asshole.
I'm, uh, still a Let's put those tattoos on his butt.
Ah, let's shave his head.
- You're stupid.
- They're getting stronger.
Well, that didn't even work at all.
They all just laughed at me.
Why is she so mean? Okay, my job is to help students, not emotionally fragile administrators.
Oh.
So now we're just gonna talk about your problems.
You know what? Helping students isn't a problem.
It's what I'm here to do.
As a matter of fact, ever since that bullying crackdown - Awareness.
- Right.
Well, in the last two days, I've had more students come into my office asking me about college than in the last month.
It's like there's been an intellectual awakening here at Smoot.
Is there any chance we could maybe turn this back to the client, please? - Wow.
- Look, once again, I am not the Oh.
I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
That's our time.
What? But I think we've made really good progress towards you solving your own problems by yourself.
Yes.
You're exactly right.
I need to just help myself.
Dr.
S.
, you are a genius.
You're worth every penny if I were paying you.
Just to be clear, I am not paying you.
Okay.
In which case, it would be "ustedes," okay? Done.
But, you know, it would be "vosotros," if the conversation were taking place in Spain, right? - Yes.
"Vosotros" in Spain.
Duh.
- Not in the Southwest regions.
You know, clearly.
Why is that, Mr.
Payton? Why is what? Why don't they use impersonal second-person pronouns in the Southwest region of Spain? I don't know, Brady.
Because of Franco and the Civil War, okay? Can we have a quiz on the morphological history of Andalusian Spanish tomorrow? - Please? - What? No.
I am teached out.
Can we just watch a few episodes of "Lopez" or something? - Please? - Nonsense.
You're the best teacher in the whole school, which is why we named our new D&D wizard after you.
- Come on.
- Ready? Payton the Satyr.
No.
No, thank you.
Please.
Maxima intelligencia linguista.
God, can we please dial back the nerd shit? But we thought you were one of us A gentleman and a scholar.
What? Guys, I am into dope-boy shit, okay? The only reason I even kicked Brett out in the first place is because he accused Brady of shoving burritos up his ass, and, believe it or not, I was once a once a victim of a similarly vicious rumor.
[STUDENTS GASP.]
What was it? Mr.
Payton, you can tell us.
This is a safe space.
Yeah? A few kids accused me of shoving a frozen hot dog up my butt once and started calling me "Ball Park.
" It sucked.
It was the worst month of my entire life.
Luckily, this new dork, Melvin Tarkle, transferred in around the time.
I was able to shift the heat onto him, get back to focusing exclusively on dope-boy shit.
Well, we accept you, Sage Orc Ball Park.
- Stop saying "Ball Park.
" - Everyone.
"Ball Park.
" - [STUDENTS CHANTING "BALL PARK".]
- No, don't say Guys, no.
No, no, don't say that.
- [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
- Stop saying Ball Park.
I can't get on the damn WiFi because these nerds are doing the "Minecraft," the "WarCraft," or some kind of damn craft.
They're doing assignments on spec and then demanding that I grade them.
They're out of control.
Oh, so you're back to being pro-bu? I have great reasons for both flip-flops, okay? Sorry to say, guys, but sounds like Smoot has a nerd problem.
Antibu deals with bully problems.
And thanks to me, we don't have one.
That is precisely right.
And since we no longer have any bullies, we no longer have a need for Antibu.
So, Abbey, I will be relieving you of your duty.
Oh, you think you don't need me? You losers couldn't find your way You are a bully! You are a power-mad bully! Everyone knows it! You know it deep inside! I'm in charge! And I am putting you in your place! Asserting! Asserting! Give me back my pancakes! Okay.
Okay, Quinn.
God.
Okay, all right.
Good.
Now let's focus on the nerd problem.
They also keep reminding me that I put a hot dog up for auction on eBay.
And why would they even say that? It's not even believable, if you ask me.
Ms.
Logan, I-I lost control of the microfiche machine - and sliced my finger.
- I'm sorry.
I-I-I don't care.
Just Hate to say it, but I think I did too good of a job.
Yeah.
Hey, you still selling that hot dog? Happen to be in the market for 10 to 12 inches of tube meat right in the snack box.
That's how you want to say that, Fairbell? You want to You want to take another crack at that? Good catch.
I'm looking for a pork push pop for the old slippery "O.
" I don't even know what to do with that.
I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Looking for a food penis for the face butt.
- Geez.
- Hey guys.
Can I help you with something? I want to apologize.
I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry.
We need the bullies back.
Well, well, well, look how the tables have turned.
Antibu is no more.
Your bullies are welcome back with full amnesty.
Look, Shoemaker, the nerds are getting stronger.
Or weaker.
I don't know.
They're just making me work harder.
Wow.
So the jack boot is on the other foot, eh? Hmm.
Kind of odd how you desperately need Shoemaker and his bullies.
No, no one needs you, Shoemaker.
Just the bullies.
Because I seem to recall, you know, all the dehumanization.
You know what, I apologized already.
You don't have to be so smug about it.
Never mind.
We'll figure something else out.
- Thanks for nothing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, stop, stop.
Okay, I'm not being smug.
- [GASPS.]
- They tied my ponytail to my underwear.
- Good God.
- I can't nod my head.
Yeah, if I do, I'm afraid I'm gonna do some real damage.
It's out of control.
They're monsters.
You see what I mean? They turned into apex bullies! Oh, my God.
Everyone knows this is Shoemaker's fault, not mine.
- What? Well, you started it.
- It's definitely not my fault.
I never shoved a hot dog up my butt.
Hot dog? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
A gradual re-introduction of the isolated species may be the only hope of repairing this fragile ecosystem.
Okay, what is going here? Did he hit his head again? - Yeah, probably.
- Got a spot on your shirt.
- Aah.
Ow.
Ow.
Aah.
- Nice.
Yep.
No, it checks out.
Yeah, so, if Mr.
Payton approves of our new system, we should be able to get through all three canonical translations of "Don Quixote" by Veteran's Day.
Spanish Veteran's Day.
Hmm.
What's this? The formula for measuring your tiny, little dick? My God, it's like he never left.
Hey, uh, Mr.
Payton, what's Spanish for "elf stomp"? We'll look it up, son.
We will look it up.
I'm gonna go get these rare Tokaji cards to the safe space that is my locker.
I think that's a good idea, Brady.
Hmm.
I'm not feeling so comfortable in this shirt all of a sudden.
I think I'm just gonna run to the gentlemen's room to t-turn it inside-out.
- Sounds good.
- I big you all adieu.
Ugh.
That's right, class.
That horrible little experiment is over.
Starting tomorrow, things are gonna get back to normal around here.
But as for now, I want everybody out of my classroom right now.
Right now.
Get the hell out of my classroom.
Let's go.
Move it, you guys.
Release the bullies! They're moving in herds.
They do move in herds.
When meddling with nature makes their own lives unbearable, human beings abandon all pretense of improving their habitat and resort to their most primitive instinct Unbelievable selfishness.
How many episodes of "Earth Planet" do you have left? - [NORMAL VOICE.]
Just one.
- Thank God.
- Then I'm on to season two.
- No.
- Through six teen.
- I can't do that.
No.
They made a bunch of them.
I'm starting to think this Earth place is pretty big.
- Bigger than Denver.
- Hey, hey, wait.
Somebody cut my ponytail free, please? Growing up, I was always afraid of setting my dad off.
Maybe that's why I allow people to treat me like crap.
God, that's messed up, right? Are you even listening? Quinn says you're such a great shrink.
I'm not Hey, man, are you telling people Everybody, I want to thank you all for a fantastic Bully Awareness Week.
We raised awareness of just how important bullies truly are.
Is that what we were trying to do? We were trying to raise awareness, yes.
And we did that.
So maybe let me have this one, Tam-Tam.
Sorry about your rat tail, bro.
No.
Thanks.
Yeah, it belongs to the Earth now.
And by "Earth," I mean Brett.
Yeah, that all sucked.
Although, I suppose I learned that nerds are kind of like a Bronco's girlfriend at a night club.
No matter how noble your intentions, it's best not to get too close.
And I learned that I tend to get out of hand when not given enough authority, and that kids used to call Loren "Ball Park," - which is amazing.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Are you ki I trusted those nerds.
Yeah, and then you totally betrayed them.
Yeah, that checks out.
[GRUNTS.]
Uh, excuse you.
You Ball Park Payton? [SCOFFS.]
Who wants to know? I'm Mel Tarkle.
Melvin? - God, you look much stronger.
- Get out of the car.
[CRYING.]
But I don't want to get out of the car.
I'm just gonna go.
No, Melvin! No! No, Melvin! It was about survival!