Travel Man (2015) s03e02 Episode Script
48 Hours in Venice
Mini-breaks are 50 Shades Of Cray Cray.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But fear not, for I, a weak man who shares some superficial traits with showbiz has-been Richard Ayoade, have come to your aid.
Stop.
'Saddled with an ungainly gaggle of TV types, 'I'm going to take you pelting through a maxi mini-break.
' Lead the team, Joe.
This is travel without mercy.
This time, 48 hours in the Atlantis it's OK to believe in - the massively watery Venice.
Matching me stride for stride is comedian and scaffolding expert Jo Brand.
Together, we'll use mighty sticks to propel ourselves No, I can't remember.
Jo, you're panicking.
.
.
ingeniously uncover shady doings Are you on drugs? Yes.
.
.
and relive key moments from the life of Casanova.
Hey, do you want to freshen up that spritzer? We're here but should we have come? Venice is a two-hour airfling from London.
Touchdown's on the mainland leaving you to make your way to the edge of the island by train, car or this frankly ostentatious water taxi.
Jo, have you been here before? I have been here before.
Um, about 30 years ago.
I know I don't look old enough.
Please, don't force me to apologise.
It's very pleasing.
It is.
It's pretty.
It may well all collapse quite soon.
Yes, 1-2mm a year it's going down by.
That's going to hit the window box within a decade.
Yeah.
The 25-minute journey takes us down Venice's central gullet right to the liquid heart of whatever this metaphor's become.
But despite the appalling pulchritude of the joint, we still insist on pretending there's some kind of why to be extracted.
So, Richard, why Venice? We're literally about to cut to me explaining why.
Venice has fewer canals than Birmingham but don't give up on it just yet because Venice isn't as rubbish as you might think.
It's about 1,600 years old, made up of 118 islands, mostly man-made, intersected by 150 canals and linked by 400 bridges.
It's got a population of 55,000 but that figure is doubled on a daily basis by visitors.
Inventions claimed as Venetian include tiramisu and the newspaper - two things I'll only eat if pressed.
If you can keep a firm hand on the fiscal tiller, a couple of cats can command a weekend in Venice for approx five Cs a piece, but not if for some reason you're minded to stay in the hotel like the one we've wangled.
There's over 1,000 bunkhouses in Venice but the Hotel Danieli is situated at the apex of swank mountain.
A mere pebble lob from St Mark's Square, its 14th-century grandeur is almost exhausting.
Hello.
Hello, welcome.
I wish you a pleasant stay Thank you.
.
.
and of course if you need anything, we are here for you.
Will do.
Thank you very much.
And so I fulfil my lifelong dream to ascend the same staircase that Johnny Depp almost certainly stepped foot on in the smash hit film, The Tourist.
Didn't say what room number is.
I'm going to have to read off the tassel.
Completely fictional archaeologist Indiana Jones mini-broke here as well as cultural colossi Goethe, Wagner, Chuck Dickens and your boy, Byron.
To conserve my dwindling energy, I decide to view Jo's quarters, called the Princess suite after Katie Price's daughter, via the complementary Wi-Fi.
PHONE RINGS Let's have a look at the scale of the digs, what's going on there? This is the bedroom.
I'm sitting on the bed at the moment.
OK.
Um, over here, I've got, like, a massive wardrobe, can you see that? Yes.
Probably cos I've only got one thing to wear.
Sure.
I'll spread it out in the wardrobe.
All right, I'm going to take you in the shower Thanks.
.
.
because it's the sort of bathroom Mariah Carey would have.
Go on.
Embossed towels.
It's always good to know where you've stolen the towel from.
Shall I take you to my sitting room? Do you have a sitting room? I am ashamed to say I don't have a sitting room.
Well, Jo, you can't dawdle there because we have a lot to do, OK? I haven't even had time to eat the complimentary saucer of babies' toenails.
Keep them for later, you'll be hungry in the middle of the night.
OK.
All right, coming now.
See you.
Bye.
Bye, missing you already, etc.
Don't lie, don't, don't cheat on this.
With no time allotted for lounging in luxury, we trot off to ingest the so-called city of Venice.
Venice's stupidly liquid street system attract 20 million visitors per annum.
And while you could safeguard your coin purse by taking the waterbus, Jo, whether on land or not, will only travel by gondola.
OMG.
Oh, God.
Have you done before? No, ooh.
Reasonably elegant but not very.
Thank you.
Here we go.
We're in one of 400 gondolas still active in Venice.
Only 400? Yeah, there used to be 10,000 but You're joking.
.
.
times are hard for the gondola.
Wow.
This looks like a funeral gondola to me.
They all have to be painted black by law now.
Oh, OK, right.
They used to be in flamboyant colours.
It was getting out of hand.
There were lime-green ones.
Oh, OK.
Ones with Bob Marley on the side, I don't know.
JO LAUGHS As I continued to regurgitate gondola facts being fed to me via my earpiece, Alessandro oars us towards a prime piece of Venetian real estate.
Oh, here we go, Bridge of Sighs.
Oh, what, this thing, here? Yes, cos that's a prison Right.
.
.
and I think the Bridge of Sighs, well, was supposedly about prisoners looking back at free Venice for the last time.
And an enclosed bridge obviously so they couldn't jump out on the way across.
Even if they did jump off, I mean they're going nowhere fast.
Someone might catch them, might they? What, in a gondola, escaping at this pace? "We'll never catch them.
" "Oh, yes, we will! "We'll just get in an adjoining gondola "and over the period of half an hour OK.
".
.
slowly track them down.
" What's your top speed in this crate? Top speed? Oh, well, could be 7-8km.
7 or 8km? Per hour.
Yeah.
We can achieve this kind of speed if we literally just fell in the river and drifted.
80 euros for the worse, the half-an-hour gondola glide has given Jo and I a freshly awakened reverence for the city.
Any city that flooded would look like this.
No, it wouldn't.
Well, Croydon's not a city but it wouldn't look like this.
I'd love Croydon's got a John Lewis, Dixons, Waitrose.
What's this got? Nothing.
It's got water damage.
Alack, we can't stand around looking like a couple of basset hounds all day because I feel an urgent need to source pre-owned reading material and Venice claims to contain the most beautiful second-hand bookshop in the world.
Libreria Acqua Alta is perversely popular with locals and tourists.
It has books stored in a gondola, row boats and bath tubs in a manner that could be unfairly described as contrived.
Ironically, this isn't run like a tight ship.
No.
This is quite free-form piling on top.
Yeah.
It's a nightmare.
I'm having a panic attack, having a panic attack.
Quick then, this way.
OK.
Look.
What? Come on.
What? How's he going to sell this book? He's not selling this book.
It's a challenge though.
Go on.
This is going to be like the table cloth trick.
Ooh.
Well done, what is it? Conversazioni Criminali.
Criminal Conversations.
There we go and look That's what we're having.
This is poorly laid out.
I'd like to browse within there.
How can I do it? I can't.
The whole thing's an affectation.
It's pretentious.
Let's go.
Well, you'd have to come here for a very long time and just, one by one, take them off the pile and look at them.
I'd like to leave this creepy place.
What, do you think it's creepy? I feel it's on the creepy side.
Mercifully, the only book we'll need in this next sequence is already secreted upon my person for we're about to explore Venice methodologically without the unwelcomely human presence of a tour guide.
Jo.
Yes.
You crave adventure.
I do crave adventure.
I'm going to give you a map.
That's very adventurous, thank you.
Now, we're going to play this.
Yes.
It's an interactive tour.
This is what it says, "an itinerary "lined with enigmas to uncover "the mysteries and learn about the most enchanting places in Venice.
"Whaiwhai.
" Whaiwhai uses the city's landmarks to form a supposedly unique mystery tour around Venice.
The clues lead you from one historical site to another and are obtained via a combination of crushingly complicated book info and text message.
"A young girl on a boat, "holding two particular objects in her hands, what are they?" Well, let's have a look.
How can we find a lost column? It's either there or it isn't.
Oh, I give up very easily.
It's one of my problems in life.
Shall I just text them, "Where is "it? What are you talking about?" This is like being on The Apprentice but without any prospect of making money.
Lead the team, Jo, lead the team.
Be a leader.
Lead it, OK.
"Your team leader, was she?" "No, I don't know whether I need Jo in my organisation.
" Fortune strokes our shanks, Joe has spied something along the side of the palace.
I think that's her cos she's the only one without a beard.
Crab on her and a moon.
One object slightly more plausible to hold than another.
The data roaming on this is going to kill me.
"Great Richard, you got it.
" Oh, please, who am I, on Dora the Explorer? "Let's move on.
Next target.
"What is the name of the street that faces the Campo Della Bragora "where unofficial executions took place?" We need to find the Palazzo Gritti Badoer.
I really feel I'm engaging with the city.
Whaiwhai includes 60 destinations across Venice which sounds like a number of destinations.
What we're looking for is a calle which is like a little lane.
I can only see one little lane.
That's it and it's called De La Morte.
.
.
which means Of The Morte.
.
.
Of The Morte.
So So, we found it.
Whaiwhai has a selection of game durations from two to nine hours but as time-tight travellers with a packed itinerary, we must, with heavy heart, truncate our quest.
I have enjoyed it very much but looking at your face, you've enjoyed it slightly less.
Don't judge me by my I know .
.
utterly unmalleable face.
.
.
by your cover.
A lot of this is damage done by wind chill.
As the chrysalis of day cracks to reveal the moth of night, our bellies specifically cry out for local cuisine.
I'm absolutely ravenous.
For the time-denied mini-breaker in search of nourishment, the Cantina Da Cecco is nothing less than compulsory.
We're here for cicchetti, the Venetian version of tapas, and we're going to save vital seconds because there's no menus and the eats arrive all at once.
We don't even have to squander what time we have left on Earth by seating ourselves because the whole thing is traditionally chowed bolt upright.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Hi.
Parliamo italiano.
Molto bene.
I can't say anything else now.
That's all we've got.
OK, cicchetti.
Yes.
Fish, ham, cheese, salami, we make everything at the moment.
What do you like? Those things, please.
OK and for drink? Again, I'm happy to go with the recommendation.
Bene.
I give the Champenois Italian.
Unless you have Fanta.
No? To accompany the Champenois, we're shovelling down a seafood platter of mackerel, sea bass, squid, swordfish and my old adversary, raw prawn.
This is a lot of recently deceased seafood.
I'm sorry I've started without you.
Hey, you can't help your upbringing.
JO LAUGHS The salad looks like something that's been composted for a month.
In a bad way? No, it tastes OK.
Yes.
I think the mackerel's right up my canal.
Up your alley.
OK.
Yes.
That's lovely.
That's good.
And what's that like? That's fine.
Oh, well done.
So good, fine and yes.
Yuh.
Your vocabulary's expanded massively.
Yes.
A lot of this comes directly from Keith Floyd.
OK.
We're providing light and shade within this absolutely definitive review.
Feeling understandably proud of our achievements, we polish off the platter as day one succumbs to the endless march of minutage.
'In part two, our Venetian voyage veers on.
'Its critically applauded highlights include such wonderful moments 'as going to gondolier school' You are a natural gondolier.
'.
.
downing a tank of gelato' I think I'm going to need an insulin injection after this.
'.
.
and Jo getting all up in my grill.
' You look like Thomas the Tank Engine's psychopathic brother.
But you're engaging with me, aren't you? You rejoin us at the apogee of our 48 hours in Venice.
So far, we have forked through traditional cicchetti That's lovely.
.
.
lost our sense of selves in an immersive experience What am I looking for? A young girl on a boat.
.
.
and browsed in an ill-organised bookshop.
It's a nightmare, I'm going to have a panic attack.
As day two unflaps its musky majesty, we rise in urgent pursuit of cultural consumption.
Before the clocks even have the chance to get around to eight, we are loping like long-eared leopards through Venice's well world-renowned St Mark's Square.
It is cold, but this is better with no people in it.
Yes.
We're missing their ambient heat, but we're gaining visibility.
Venice's most visited tourist attraction was constructed in the 12th century, quickly becoming the political, religious and social centre of the town.
And we can also see the flooding, which is coming up from the ground.
Oh, I see.
I just thought that was big puddles, it'd rained.
No.
This is what happens here.
It's very low, so you just put lots of towels down.
JO LAUGHS Viewing its trio of sights from the outside by simply moving your head around is mercifully time-efficient.
I think it's very attractive indeed.
Stunning, in fact.
Good.
The Basilica is a totally famous church, the Doge's Palace was historically the city's political and judicial hub and the clocktower is Venice's most commanding landmark.
It's real mixture of styles, but I couldn't tell you what they are, because I don't know enough.
I think that's good enough for me.
Shall we go on? Yeah, let's.
Any time you mini-break, a bod has to provide evidence that he's left the borders and not spent the weekend in his pants watching box sets in some kind of doomed attempt to connect with popular culture.
You make all of these masks here, yourself? Yes, we do, yes.
There is a mask like this one.
Yes.
And by hand, just paper, water and glue.
You push in the mould Yeah.
When you take it out, .
.
it sometimes dries out and then it's ready to start.
That's great.
We gather all the process.
It's all handmade, really.
Initially used for keeping the locals anonymous while gambling, partying and seducing, masks have been a part of Venetian culture for ruddy ages.
Why do people buy masks? For the Carnival in Venice.
OK.
Yes.
And that's every year? Yes, every year in February.
The most traditional one is It was this.
OK.
It is called the Bauta.
OK.
It was the mask of Casanova.
Hey.
Oh, OK! Come on, then.
This will immediately increase my erotic power.
Which is already pretty high.
Well, yeah Don't fight it.
And the hat! Here we go.
Yes.
Exactly.
Hey, do you want to freshen up that spritzer? LAUGHTER Yeah? And we'll have a selection of bar snacks, thank you.
LAUGHTER What is the most popular woman's mask? The most popular for women was That one.
That one, with the stick.
That looks very nice.
It's better than that one, really, isn't it? What are you talking about? You look like Thomas the Tank Engine's psychopathic brother.
Yeah.
But you're engaging with me, aren't you? Barely.
It's a look.
Come on.
We're sparking up a rapport.
Your eyes are emptied out of any empathy.
What're you talking about? I have no empathy.
I'm just looking to close deals.
JO LAUGHS Close deals throughout this town.
LAUGHTER Shutting it down.
On the rare occasions that this doesn't work, I immediately switch to this one.
Which one? Because if this one doesn't work, you just come back into the bar.
Hey, that other guy, what a jerk.
I like that one better.
I'm so embarrassed that my brother was here before, he's so pushy.
Um, look.
Why don't we get out of here and? See, you can just come back.
Ooh, he's back! Ooh, welcome back.
He's back.
The weird one.
The glasses.
This is excellent.
But I can't spend all day pretending to be Russell Brand at some kind post-Renaissance Club 18-30, because we're late for gondola school.
Our teacher Eleanor will help us develop and ultimately master the craft during a 90-min lesson.
So in this boat, we will row in the Venetian typical style OK.
.
.
which is standing, facing forward, so it's not like in the English style of rowing, in which you are sitting and pulling backwards.
We can't simply row without thinking about the other boats.
That's very racist, but come on, let's LAUGHTER Saying we all row with our eyes shut in England.
Oh, well, yes.
It's unbelievable.
Eleanor has been perfecting her Voga alla Veneta stroke for 20 years.
We have less time than that for psychological reasons, so we paddle out after a couple of mins.
Twist, drop, push.
Are you feeling that extra power coursing through the boat? Um Ish.
You don't have to withhold praise.
You know, sometimes you can be a big person by praising someone else.
LAUGHTER Be honest, is this the best rowing you've ever seen? That is one of the best beginners.
One of them? LAUGHTER Here we go.
Eleanor, you know I'm not going to be very good at this, don't you? Take the oar.
Ah, don't worry.
Got it? Yes.
OK.
It's your oar, your oar.
My oar, my oar.
It's your oar.
Oh, wrong way! Oh, dear.
Yeah, you have to go forward.
ELEANOR LAUGHS No, not that way, that way.
That way.
No, I can't remember! LAUGHTER Jo, you're panicking.
Er, I can't Oh, is it that way? You are pulling.
Yeah, yeah.
No, that's the wrong way! I'm meant to be pushing.
There we go.
Don't you dare stop believing in yourself, Jo! Don't you dare.
You are a natural gondolier.
JO LAUGHS You were born to gondolier.
You were born to do this, Jo.
Twist, in Push? Yes.
Flat, twist, in, push.
That's the only way I can do it.
Well, this is good.
When you see that that poor woman's walkinggoing faster than us, and she's disabled So it just shows that I'm not very good at it.
Push.
Despite Eleanor's fervent pleas that we never leave her side from this day forth, our time on the water must end.
How are you feeling? Well, I kind of feel that I've achieved something.
I was sort of able to do it a bit, but quite bad most of the time.
I felt your technique grew and became very mature by the end.
Our achievements have been so vast that it would be perverse not to reward ourselves with ice cream, so we hit the streets in search of some kind of vendor.
Italy's the home of gelato, and the best home-made gelato in all the Venice is to be found at Alaska Gelateria-Sorbetteria, justly rated for its wide-ranging choice of flavours.
Thank you.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno! Buongiorno.
Buongiorno! Ice cream.
Yes, please.
JO LAUGHS Um, can I try the rum and raisin? In a cone.
In a cone? OK.
Oh, this one.
This one? Yes, please.
Ah! You are a fancy-man.
Ah, you love that gelato! That looks tiny Don't dupe me here.
Brilliant.
What's that one at the top? Right at the top, there? This one is chocolate chips.
OK, is that good with it? Yes.
OK.
And I give you a spoon of pistachio.
OK.
Thank you very much.
Buon appetito.
Jo.
Please, for me, one like that, except piccolo! Very good, is ginger.
There's salad and orange.
Oh, I'll have rocket.
Oh, yes, please.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
Ginger is lovely.
Very nice.
Rocket How's that? Too healthy.
I can show you some of the Wow.
What we have is watermelon, pineapple, carrots Carrot ice cream? Onions?! Onions! Red onions, sir.
Really? Well, honestly.
Even YOU don't stand by that one.
Well, no-one wants it.
LAUGHTER OK.
Why are you so happy? Are you on drugs? Yes.
It's a sugar rush.
He's on a constant sugar rush.
Well, all I can say This is excellent.
Grazie.
Well, welcome.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Very much.
Bye! There you go.
Our trip is close to conclusion and we must repack our knapsacks.
The total coin drop in Venice is a chastening ?3,283 apiece, although 93% of that was on our ludicrous hotel.
Before we check out, we barrel up to the roof terrace.
Jo.
Yes? How do you think it went? Great.
Good.
I really enjoyed Venice.
What have you enjoyed most? The activity on the gondolas.
The rowing? Yes.
Number two, um, wonderful, Venice-y buildings.
So literally, Venice itself Literally Venice itself.
.
.
comes in number two, behindrowing? Absolutely.
I liked the mask shop.
I thought you liked the mask shop.
I liked the mask shop.
Why? Because I'm an individualistic capitalist consumer.
It is pleasing.
It's a shame it's sinking.
It's going to take a while.
I demand a certain kind of solidity from what's under my feet.
I'm not Jesus.
Probably.
I'm possibly not Jesus.
No.
I think we'll take that as a given.
Next time, a 48-hour sensory slap in Dubai with Johnny Vegas.
A younger, drunken me would want to climb that.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But fear not, for I, a weak man who shares some superficial traits with showbiz has-been Richard Ayoade, have come to your aid.
Stop.
'Saddled with an ungainly gaggle of TV types, 'I'm going to take you pelting through a maxi mini-break.
' Lead the team, Joe.
This is travel without mercy.
This time, 48 hours in the Atlantis it's OK to believe in - the massively watery Venice.
Matching me stride for stride is comedian and scaffolding expert Jo Brand.
Together, we'll use mighty sticks to propel ourselves No, I can't remember.
Jo, you're panicking.
.
.
ingeniously uncover shady doings Are you on drugs? Yes.
.
.
and relive key moments from the life of Casanova.
Hey, do you want to freshen up that spritzer? We're here but should we have come? Venice is a two-hour airfling from London.
Touchdown's on the mainland leaving you to make your way to the edge of the island by train, car or this frankly ostentatious water taxi.
Jo, have you been here before? I have been here before.
Um, about 30 years ago.
I know I don't look old enough.
Please, don't force me to apologise.
It's very pleasing.
It is.
It's pretty.
It may well all collapse quite soon.
Yes, 1-2mm a year it's going down by.
That's going to hit the window box within a decade.
Yeah.
The 25-minute journey takes us down Venice's central gullet right to the liquid heart of whatever this metaphor's become.
But despite the appalling pulchritude of the joint, we still insist on pretending there's some kind of why to be extracted.
So, Richard, why Venice? We're literally about to cut to me explaining why.
Venice has fewer canals than Birmingham but don't give up on it just yet because Venice isn't as rubbish as you might think.
It's about 1,600 years old, made up of 118 islands, mostly man-made, intersected by 150 canals and linked by 400 bridges.
It's got a population of 55,000 but that figure is doubled on a daily basis by visitors.
Inventions claimed as Venetian include tiramisu and the newspaper - two things I'll only eat if pressed.
If you can keep a firm hand on the fiscal tiller, a couple of cats can command a weekend in Venice for approx five Cs a piece, but not if for some reason you're minded to stay in the hotel like the one we've wangled.
There's over 1,000 bunkhouses in Venice but the Hotel Danieli is situated at the apex of swank mountain.
A mere pebble lob from St Mark's Square, its 14th-century grandeur is almost exhausting.
Hello.
Hello, welcome.
I wish you a pleasant stay Thank you.
.
.
and of course if you need anything, we are here for you.
Will do.
Thank you very much.
And so I fulfil my lifelong dream to ascend the same staircase that Johnny Depp almost certainly stepped foot on in the smash hit film, The Tourist.
Didn't say what room number is.
I'm going to have to read off the tassel.
Completely fictional archaeologist Indiana Jones mini-broke here as well as cultural colossi Goethe, Wagner, Chuck Dickens and your boy, Byron.
To conserve my dwindling energy, I decide to view Jo's quarters, called the Princess suite after Katie Price's daughter, via the complementary Wi-Fi.
PHONE RINGS Let's have a look at the scale of the digs, what's going on there? This is the bedroom.
I'm sitting on the bed at the moment.
OK.
Um, over here, I've got, like, a massive wardrobe, can you see that? Yes.
Probably cos I've only got one thing to wear.
Sure.
I'll spread it out in the wardrobe.
All right, I'm going to take you in the shower Thanks.
.
.
because it's the sort of bathroom Mariah Carey would have.
Go on.
Embossed towels.
It's always good to know where you've stolen the towel from.
Shall I take you to my sitting room? Do you have a sitting room? I am ashamed to say I don't have a sitting room.
Well, Jo, you can't dawdle there because we have a lot to do, OK? I haven't even had time to eat the complimentary saucer of babies' toenails.
Keep them for later, you'll be hungry in the middle of the night.
OK.
All right, coming now.
See you.
Bye.
Bye, missing you already, etc.
Don't lie, don't, don't cheat on this.
With no time allotted for lounging in luxury, we trot off to ingest the so-called city of Venice.
Venice's stupidly liquid street system attract 20 million visitors per annum.
And while you could safeguard your coin purse by taking the waterbus, Jo, whether on land or not, will only travel by gondola.
OMG.
Oh, God.
Have you done before? No, ooh.
Reasonably elegant but not very.
Thank you.
Here we go.
We're in one of 400 gondolas still active in Venice.
Only 400? Yeah, there used to be 10,000 but You're joking.
.
.
times are hard for the gondola.
Wow.
This looks like a funeral gondola to me.
They all have to be painted black by law now.
Oh, OK, right.
They used to be in flamboyant colours.
It was getting out of hand.
There were lime-green ones.
Oh, OK.
Ones with Bob Marley on the side, I don't know.
JO LAUGHS As I continued to regurgitate gondola facts being fed to me via my earpiece, Alessandro oars us towards a prime piece of Venetian real estate.
Oh, here we go, Bridge of Sighs.
Oh, what, this thing, here? Yes, cos that's a prison Right.
.
.
and I think the Bridge of Sighs, well, was supposedly about prisoners looking back at free Venice for the last time.
And an enclosed bridge obviously so they couldn't jump out on the way across.
Even if they did jump off, I mean they're going nowhere fast.
Someone might catch them, might they? What, in a gondola, escaping at this pace? "We'll never catch them.
" "Oh, yes, we will! "We'll just get in an adjoining gondola "and over the period of half an hour OK.
".
.
slowly track them down.
" What's your top speed in this crate? Top speed? Oh, well, could be 7-8km.
7 or 8km? Per hour.
Yeah.
We can achieve this kind of speed if we literally just fell in the river and drifted.
80 euros for the worse, the half-an-hour gondola glide has given Jo and I a freshly awakened reverence for the city.
Any city that flooded would look like this.
No, it wouldn't.
Well, Croydon's not a city but it wouldn't look like this.
I'd love Croydon's got a John Lewis, Dixons, Waitrose.
What's this got? Nothing.
It's got water damage.
Alack, we can't stand around looking like a couple of basset hounds all day because I feel an urgent need to source pre-owned reading material and Venice claims to contain the most beautiful second-hand bookshop in the world.
Libreria Acqua Alta is perversely popular with locals and tourists.
It has books stored in a gondola, row boats and bath tubs in a manner that could be unfairly described as contrived.
Ironically, this isn't run like a tight ship.
No.
This is quite free-form piling on top.
Yeah.
It's a nightmare.
I'm having a panic attack, having a panic attack.
Quick then, this way.
OK.
Look.
What? Come on.
What? How's he going to sell this book? He's not selling this book.
It's a challenge though.
Go on.
This is going to be like the table cloth trick.
Ooh.
Well done, what is it? Conversazioni Criminali.
Criminal Conversations.
There we go and look That's what we're having.
This is poorly laid out.
I'd like to browse within there.
How can I do it? I can't.
The whole thing's an affectation.
It's pretentious.
Let's go.
Well, you'd have to come here for a very long time and just, one by one, take them off the pile and look at them.
I'd like to leave this creepy place.
What, do you think it's creepy? I feel it's on the creepy side.
Mercifully, the only book we'll need in this next sequence is already secreted upon my person for we're about to explore Venice methodologically without the unwelcomely human presence of a tour guide.
Jo.
Yes.
You crave adventure.
I do crave adventure.
I'm going to give you a map.
That's very adventurous, thank you.
Now, we're going to play this.
Yes.
It's an interactive tour.
This is what it says, "an itinerary "lined with enigmas to uncover "the mysteries and learn about the most enchanting places in Venice.
"Whaiwhai.
" Whaiwhai uses the city's landmarks to form a supposedly unique mystery tour around Venice.
The clues lead you from one historical site to another and are obtained via a combination of crushingly complicated book info and text message.
"A young girl on a boat, "holding two particular objects in her hands, what are they?" Well, let's have a look.
How can we find a lost column? It's either there or it isn't.
Oh, I give up very easily.
It's one of my problems in life.
Shall I just text them, "Where is "it? What are you talking about?" This is like being on The Apprentice but without any prospect of making money.
Lead the team, Jo, lead the team.
Be a leader.
Lead it, OK.
"Your team leader, was she?" "No, I don't know whether I need Jo in my organisation.
" Fortune strokes our shanks, Joe has spied something along the side of the palace.
I think that's her cos she's the only one without a beard.
Crab on her and a moon.
One object slightly more plausible to hold than another.
The data roaming on this is going to kill me.
"Great Richard, you got it.
" Oh, please, who am I, on Dora the Explorer? "Let's move on.
Next target.
"What is the name of the street that faces the Campo Della Bragora "where unofficial executions took place?" We need to find the Palazzo Gritti Badoer.
I really feel I'm engaging with the city.
Whaiwhai includes 60 destinations across Venice which sounds like a number of destinations.
What we're looking for is a calle which is like a little lane.
I can only see one little lane.
That's it and it's called De La Morte.
.
.
which means Of The Morte.
.
.
Of The Morte.
So So, we found it.
Whaiwhai has a selection of game durations from two to nine hours but as time-tight travellers with a packed itinerary, we must, with heavy heart, truncate our quest.
I have enjoyed it very much but looking at your face, you've enjoyed it slightly less.
Don't judge me by my I know .
.
utterly unmalleable face.
.
.
by your cover.
A lot of this is damage done by wind chill.
As the chrysalis of day cracks to reveal the moth of night, our bellies specifically cry out for local cuisine.
I'm absolutely ravenous.
For the time-denied mini-breaker in search of nourishment, the Cantina Da Cecco is nothing less than compulsory.
We're here for cicchetti, the Venetian version of tapas, and we're going to save vital seconds because there's no menus and the eats arrive all at once.
We don't even have to squander what time we have left on Earth by seating ourselves because the whole thing is traditionally chowed bolt upright.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Hi.
Parliamo italiano.
Molto bene.
I can't say anything else now.
That's all we've got.
OK, cicchetti.
Yes.
Fish, ham, cheese, salami, we make everything at the moment.
What do you like? Those things, please.
OK and for drink? Again, I'm happy to go with the recommendation.
Bene.
I give the Champenois Italian.
Unless you have Fanta.
No? To accompany the Champenois, we're shovelling down a seafood platter of mackerel, sea bass, squid, swordfish and my old adversary, raw prawn.
This is a lot of recently deceased seafood.
I'm sorry I've started without you.
Hey, you can't help your upbringing.
JO LAUGHS The salad looks like something that's been composted for a month.
In a bad way? No, it tastes OK.
Yes.
I think the mackerel's right up my canal.
Up your alley.
OK.
Yes.
That's lovely.
That's good.
And what's that like? That's fine.
Oh, well done.
So good, fine and yes.
Yuh.
Your vocabulary's expanded massively.
Yes.
A lot of this comes directly from Keith Floyd.
OK.
We're providing light and shade within this absolutely definitive review.
Feeling understandably proud of our achievements, we polish off the platter as day one succumbs to the endless march of minutage.
'In part two, our Venetian voyage veers on.
'Its critically applauded highlights include such wonderful moments 'as going to gondolier school' You are a natural gondolier.
'.
.
downing a tank of gelato' I think I'm going to need an insulin injection after this.
'.
.
and Jo getting all up in my grill.
' You look like Thomas the Tank Engine's psychopathic brother.
But you're engaging with me, aren't you? You rejoin us at the apogee of our 48 hours in Venice.
So far, we have forked through traditional cicchetti That's lovely.
.
.
lost our sense of selves in an immersive experience What am I looking for? A young girl on a boat.
.
.
and browsed in an ill-organised bookshop.
It's a nightmare, I'm going to have a panic attack.
As day two unflaps its musky majesty, we rise in urgent pursuit of cultural consumption.
Before the clocks even have the chance to get around to eight, we are loping like long-eared leopards through Venice's well world-renowned St Mark's Square.
It is cold, but this is better with no people in it.
Yes.
We're missing their ambient heat, but we're gaining visibility.
Venice's most visited tourist attraction was constructed in the 12th century, quickly becoming the political, religious and social centre of the town.
And we can also see the flooding, which is coming up from the ground.
Oh, I see.
I just thought that was big puddles, it'd rained.
No.
This is what happens here.
It's very low, so you just put lots of towels down.
JO LAUGHS Viewing its trio of sights from the outside by simply moving your head around is mercifully time-efficient.
I think it's very attractive indeed.
Stunning, in fact.
Good.
The Basilica is a totally famous church, the Doge's Palace was historically the city's political and judicial hub and the clocktower is Venice's most commanding landmark.
It's real mixture of styles, but I couldn't tell you what they are, because I don't know enough.
I think that's good enough for me.
Shall we go on? Yeah, let's.
Any time you mini-break, a bod has to provide evidence that he's left the borders and not spent the weekend in his pants watching box sets in some kind of doomed attempt to connect with popular culture.
You make all of these masks here, yourself? Yes, we do, yes.
There is a mask like this one.
Yes.
And by hand, just paper, water and glue.
You push in the mould Yeah.
When you take it out, .
.
it sometimes dries out and then it's ready to start.
That's great.
We gather all the process.
It's all handmade, really.
Initially used for keeping the locals anonymous while gambling, partying and seducing, masks have been a part of Venetian culture for ruddy ages.
Why do people buy masks? For the Carnival in Venice.
OK.
Yes.
And that's every year? Yes, every year in February.
The most traditional one is It was this.
OK.
It is called the Bauta.
OK.
It was the mask of Casanova.
Hey.
Oh, OK! Come on, then.
This will immediately increase my erotic power.
Which is already pretty high.
Well, yeah Don't fight it.
And the hat! Here we go.
Yes.
Exactly.
Hey, do you want to freshen up that spritzer? LAUGHTER Yeah? And we'll have a selection of bar snacks, thank you.
LAUGHTER What is the most popular woman's mask? The most popular for women was That one.
That one, with the stick.
That looks very nice.
It's better than that one, really, isn't it? What are you talking about? You look like Thomas the Tank Engine's psychopathic brother.
Yeah.
But you're engaging with me, aren't you? Barely.
It's a look.
Come on.
We're sparking up a rapport.
Your eyes are emptied out of any empathy.
What're you talking about? I have no empathy.
I'm just looking to close deals.
JO LAUGHS Close deals throughout this town.
LAUGHTER Shutting it down.
On the rare occasions that this doesn't work, I immediately switch to this one.
Which one? Because if this one doesn't work, you just come back into the bar.
Hey, that other guy, what a jerk.
I like that one better.
I'm so embarrassed that my brother was here before, he's so pushy.
Um, look.
Why don't we get out of here and? See, you can just come back.
Ooh, he's back! Ooh, welcome back.
He's back.
The weird one.
The glasses.
This is excellent.
But I can't spend all day pretending to be Russell Brand at some kind post-Renaissance Club 18-30, because we're late for gondola school.
Our teacher Eleanor will help us develop and ultimately master the craft during a 90-min lesson.
So in this boat, we will row in the Venetian typical style OK.
.
.
which is standing, facing forward, so it's not like in the English style of rowing, in which you are sitting and pulling backwards.
We can't simply row without thinking about the other boats.
That's very racist, but come on, let's LAUGHTER Saying we all row with our eyes shut in England.
Oh, well, yes.
It's unbelievable.
Eleanor has been perfecting her Voga alla Veneta stroke for 20 years.
We have less time than that for psychological reasons, so we paddle out after a couple of mins.
Twist, drop, push.
Are you feeling that extra power coursing through the boat? Um Ish.
You don't have to withhold praise.
You know, sometimes you can be a big person by praising someone else.
LAUGHTER Be honest, is this the best rowing you've ever seen? That is one of the best beginners.
One of them? LAUGHTER Here we go.
Eleanor, you know I'm not going to be very good at this, don't you? Take the oar.
Ah, don't worry.
Got it? Yes.
OK.
It's your oar, your oar.
My oar, my oar.
It's your oar.
Oh, wrong way! Oh, dear.
Yeah, you have to go forward.
ELEANOR LAUGHS No, not that way, that way.
That way.
No, I can't remember! LAUGHTER Jo, you're panicking.
Er, I can't Oh, is it that way? You are pulling.
Yeah, yeah.
No, that's the wrong way! I'm meant to be pushing.
There we go.
Don't you dare stop believing in yourself, Jo! Don't you dare.
You are a natural gondolier.
JO LAUGHS You were born to gondolier.
You were born to do this, Jo.
Twist, in Push? Yes.
Flat, twist, in, push.
That's the only way I can do it.
Well, this is good.
When you see that that poor woman's walkinggoing faster than us, and she's disabled So it just shows that I'm not very good at it.
Push.
Despite Eleanor's fervent pleas that we never leave her side from this day forth, our time on the water must end.
How are you feeling? Well, I kind of feel that I've achieved something.
I was sort of able to do it a bit, but quite bad most of the time.
I felt your technique grew and became very mature by the end.
Our achievements have been so vast that it would be perverse not to reward ourselves with ice cream, so we hit the streets in search of some kind of vendor.
Italy's the home of gelato, and the best home-made gelato in all the Venice is to be found at Alaska Gelateria-Sorbetteria, justly rated for its wide-ranging choice of flavours.
Thank you.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno! Buongiorno.
Buongiorno! Ice cream.
Yes, please.
JO LAUGHS Um, can I try the rum and raisin? In a cone.
In a cone? OK.
Oh, this one.
This one? Yes, please.
Ah! You are a fancy-man.
Ah, you love that gelato! That looks tiny Don't dupe me here.
Brilliant.
What's that one at the top? Right at the top, there? This one is chocolate chips.
OK, is that good with it? Yes.
OK.
And I give you a spoon of pistachio.
OK.
Thank you very much.
Buon appetito.
Jo.
Please, for me, one like that, except piccolo! Very good, is ginger.
There's salad and orange.
Oh, I'll have rocket.
Oh, yes, please.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
Ginger is lovely.
Very nice.
Rocket How's that? Too healthy.
I can show you some of the Wow.
What we have is watermelon, pineapple, carrots Carrot ice cream? Onions?! Onions! Red onions, sir.
Really? Well, honestly.
Even YOU don't stand by that one.
Well, no-one wants it.
LAUGHTER OK.
Why are you so happy? Are you on drugs? Yes.
It's a sugar rush.
He's on a constant sugar rush.
Well, all I can say This is excellent.
Grazie.
Well, welcome.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Very much.
Bye! There you go.
Our trip is close to conclusion and we must repack our knapsacks.
The total coin drop in Venice is a chastening ?3,283 apiece, although 93% of that was on our ludicrous hotel.
Before we check out, we barrel up to the roof terrace.
Jo.
Yes? How do you think it went? Great.
Good.
I really enjoyed Venice.
What have you enjoyed most? The activity on the gondolas.
The rowing? Yes.
Number two, um, wonderful, Venice-y buildings.
So literally, Venice itself Literally Venice itself.
.
.
comes in number two, behindrowing? Absolutely.
I liked the mask shop.
I thought you liked the mask shop.
I liked the mask shop.
Why? Because I'm an individualistic capitalist consumer.
It is pleasing.
It's a shame it's sinking.
It's going to take a while.
I demand a certain kind of solidity from what's under my feet.
I'm not Jesus.
Probably.
I'm possibly not Jesus.
No.
I think we'll take that as a given.
Next time, a 48-hour sensory slap in Dubai with Johnny Vegas.
A younger, drunken me would want to climb that.