Tripping the Rift s03e02 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hairdryer whirring) (alarm wails) What the hell does tripping the rift mean anyway? Come on, you little green hole.
We ain't got all day.
- I'm thinking.
- How do you manage that without a brain? (laughing) (groans) You'd better be spelling out "cunning.
" - Preparing to beam the captain aboard.
- Oh, wouldn't you know it? Just when I was about to put down "homoeroticism.
" Really? I can't imagine you ever putting down homoeroticism.
Are you back on that again? I am not gay.
Yeah, and I am not a heterosexual ball sack of raging testosterone.
Hey, I got a job for you.
Chode, you're out of luck.
My vagina's in the shop for its maintenance checkup.
No, not that.
I got us a job as royal bodyguards for the Princess of Slovenia.
The princess's bodyguards? Isn't that a little dangerous? Not at all, scary fairy.
Everybody down there loves her.
And besides, it's just for a couple of days until her coronation.
We'll be in and out faster than a rabbit with ejaculin praecox.
So when do we start, Uncle Chode? They're expecting us in about an hour.
So how long is your snatch in the shop? (animal howling) Six: I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, black and white usually means the producers ran out of money.
She's talking about this place, dumbass.
Thank God this job's only for two days.
These local yokels give me the creeps.
Oh, nonsense, they're probably just shy.
You just have to be the one that's friendly first.
A pleasant good evening to you, madam.
- Off! That went well.
Hey, Uncle Chode, you've seen the princess.
Is she beautiful and sweet and innocent like in all the fairy tales? Here, come and see the princess.
Lord, let her be a hot little virgin anxious to learn the wicked ways of the world.
(fanfare plays) Chode: Oh, baby! Somebody's been hitting the supersize! Well, let's just say they call 'em fairy tales for a reason, kid.
Is it Halloween already? Jeez, you tell me.
You all look a little old to be trick or treating.
We've been hired to guard the princess.
Oh.
In that case, let me introduce myself.
I'm Don't tell me.
Eyesore.
No, I don't know why everyone think my name is Eyesore.
- Maybe it's because you've got - What? Nothing.
Who is the inconsiderate bastard that's bothering us at this time of the night? They're here to guard the princess.
Yeah, my name's Don't tell me.
Swollen Hemorrhoid.
May I call you Swollen? I'm Frau Schmidt.
I'm Her Highness's lady in waiting.
Show them in.
Walk this way.
- (laughing) - Nah, too easy.
Sorry, but your cow will have to go in the barn.
I beg your pardon? Oh, I am sorry.
Your talking cow will have to go in the barn.
I am not an animal! Oh! (growls) Piss off, you murdering swine! What? How dare you talk to me like Who's out there? What did you say? - Nothing.
- (growls) And when I am king, you will be Queen Mother, Mother.
(knock on door) (gasps) One minute.
- (knocks) - One stinking minute! - What is it, woman? - Last night there was another threat on the life of the princess.
Let me see that note.
I hope that security team that I asked you to hire knows their stuff.
Yes, I got the best bodyguards in the business.
(laughing) (coughs) They better be.
If anything were to happen to her, our nation would be without a leader.
Oh, we would find one somewhere.
- (kisses) - Nonsense.
There is no one left of royal blood.
She's the last of an ancient noble line that goes back hundreds of years.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
(gasps) Did you know Her Highness's royal crown is on your moose head? Did you know even in this light I can see your "moose-stache"? (gasps) Oh, that was close.
It's time to kill me one big-ass ugly princess and become the king! (whistles) - (ticking) - This is torture.
She hasn't done anything but look at herself in the mirror for hours.
How could she stand it? Oh, those earrings are lovely! What do you know? It must be wonderful to be in a position to make a difference in the lives of your people.
Oh, them.
They're the reason I don't have a minute for myself.
Why am I brushing my own hair? You with the big tits, get over here and start brushing.
A hundred strokes.
Yeah, I could use a hundred strokes myself about now.
I'm bored! I brought along a word game.
Good idea.
You're not as stupid as you look.
Set it up and make it snappy.
- Psst.
Over here.
- Hmm? I had to get you alone.
Oh, boy, here it comes.
Look, lady, you're not my type.
I get broads like you hitting on me all the time.
Let me tell you how it is.
You're too old, you're too ugly and, for the record, I'd like to be the only one in the relationship who shaves.
I have no sexual interest in you.
Hey, what am I, chopped liver? Listen, the princess is in great danger.
I don't mean to tell you your job, but I think the prime minister is up to no good.
The prime minister? He seems like a nice enough guy.
You think so? Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Oftentimes we judge people so harshly, when we are only projecting our own fears.
Man is inherently good.
- (knife buzzes) - (laughs maniacally) Yeah, uh-huh, that's what I believe.
I hope that's what you do believe.
Because if anything happens to the princess, you and your friends will all be put to death.
What? I didn't see anything about death in the contract.
It's standard.
Always read the fine print.
Princess: "Kanot.
" And I get double points for the "K.
" Just a minute.
That's not a word.
It is so.
Oh, really? Use it in a sentence.
My authority "kanot" be questioned, otherwise a certain robot's gonna get his fairy ass carted off to the scrap heap.
Well, now that I hear it in a sentence Hey, where you going? We have to keep an eye on you at all times.
Oh, puhleeze.
I'm just going to the powder room.
And it ain't to take a powder.
- Somebody go with her.
T'nuk.
- Huh? - Ow! - (lock jiggles) (farts) (urinating) - (blade whirring) - (screaming) (screaming continues) (screaming continues) (toilet flushes) Everything come out okay in there? Kick the door in.
How is she? Remember those pretty earrings I admired on the princess earlier? Well, there's not a scratch on them.
Holy We gotta get out of here.
If the princess's subjects find out she's been murdered, we'll all be executed.
- Executed? - Uncle Chode, is it true? Are we doomed? Well, if you wanna see the glass as half empty, - technically - Chode, really.
Bob, I need you to lock into our coordinates - and beam us back on board.
- No can do, El Capitàn.
- What do you mean? - I kind of shorted out the beaming device with a fork.
(crying) You should have never left me alone.
Sheesh! How the hell did that happen? Well, I was trying to beam my raisin toast out of the toaster with the help of the transporter beam and a fork.
Why, for Christ's sake? Because my toast was stuck in the toaster.
(sobbing) We're toast, Uncle Chode! I'm surrounded by morons.
Look, if we can find out who killed the princess, maybe they'll go easy on us.
Everybody, grab the rest of her.
Sheesh, whoever said die young and leave a beautiful corpse - never met this stiff.
- Chode, what do we do now? We gather every shred of evidence, pore over every clue, go to any extreme necessary to determine the perp's identity.
- Aha! - Six: What it is? It's a short curly purple hair of some sort, probably the killer's.
Or your own pubic hair, dumbass! That's another theory that deserves exploring.
(crowd chanting) Princess! Princess! Princess, it's almost time for your noon appearance.
My God! What has happened to the princess? After a battery of sophisticated tests, I've determined she died of natural causes.
But she's been cut to ribbons.
Well, I mean, after that, naturally, she died.
For all our sakes, no one must find out.
- I need time to think.
- (knock on door) - (gasps) - Prime Minister: Your Majesty? God damn it, I needed more time than that.
Prime Minister: It's noon, Your Highness.
Time for you to greet your loyal subjects.
This is no time to fall apart, Your Highness.
Your public awaits.
Pull yourself together.
(laughs) I know, Mother.
I get my sense of humor from you.
I'm brushing my teeth.
- I'll be right out.
- You will? Well, please hurry.
Your subjects can't wait to see you.
And frankly, neither can I.
I'll be right out why'd you say that? If she doesn't show, the townspeople will know immediately something is wrong.
(crowd chanting) Princess! Princess! T'nuk, grab that head.
The princess will be right out.
(cheering) The suckers are buying it.
How can this be? She's dead! (insects buzzing) (gasps) Show's over, folks.
The princess is dead tired.
Hope to see you all at the coronation.
Free beer and pretzels.
(cheering) You two, come with me.
I suspect the princess has been the victim of foul play.
Okay, we need an escape plan.
- (knock on door) - (all gasp) We're trapped.
We're not going anywhere.
Nonsense, you're going to certain death, unless - Unless? - No no.
It's too crazy.
Too farfetched.
It goes against all the laws of nature and God.
You're not talking about my sex life, are you? No.
I'm talking about bringing the dead princess back to life.
Am I hearing you right? I don't know.
When's the last time you had your hearing tested? You really should take her to the vet every once in a while.
- (groans) - (knocking continues) They're gonna knock down the door any minute.
She's right.
Everyone grab a piece of princess and follow me through the secret passageway.
- Six: Where does it lead? - Let me guess.
To a long-forgotten laboratory where a mad scientist once reanimated the dead? Wow, does someone got that women's intuition or what? (pounding on door) I'll leave a note to throw them off the scent.
Break it down! "Gone to the movies double feature.
Grabbing a bite after.
Don't wait up.
" Chode: Let's see.
#The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone # #The thigh bone's connected to the hip bone.
# Chode, you can't perform an operation as complex as this.
He won't have to.
Young Dr.
Skankenstein has been reanimating the dead as his crazy father did before him, and his even crazier father did before him.
He could do it with his eyes closed.
If he were here.
"Gone to 'A merican Idol' tryouts.
I'm a better singer than Ruben, Clay Aiken and Fantasia put together.
" Well, that's that.
We're screwed.
Well, not so fast.
According to this " Reanimating the Dead for Dumbasses" book, it's not so hard.
Okay, Six, plug in that electrical V-shaped thing that goes "Zzzz!" Gus, find me a giant needle and thread.
T'nuk, make sure the moonroof opens.
Whip, go over to that shelf and grab me a brain.
Careful, Whip.
Don't worry.
There's another one.
"Senator Diane Finestein, Mel Brookstein, Hearty Fiberstein.
" (thunder crashing) Frau Schmidt: Hurry! The storm is almost directly overhead.
Raise the gurney! (laughing maniacally) Give my creature life! Oh, what a pretty night it turned out to be.
I don't need a pretty night.
I need lightning.
Is there any other source of intense electricity around here? Yeah, I could divert the electricity from the entire kingdom's power grid to the cables you are holding.
That is if I can reach the switch.
You've got to try.
Okay.
(electricity powers down) (screaming) Did you say something? Could you at least wait until I let go of the cables? - Oh, my apologies.
- Okay, now.
Chode: Bring us down.
Love the hair.
It's sort of Liza meets Lily Munster.
- Great job, everybody.
- (growls) My God! Look at this place.
Don't tell me I'm playing dinner theater in the Poconos.
No, this is Slovenia.
Slovenia.
I've opened out of town before, but this is ridiculous.
Look, you were dead, and we brought you back to life.
Okay, now you're starting to sound like my agent.
(coughs) I am so parched.
Who does a queen have to do to get a drink around here? Your Royal Highness, welcome back.
Royal Highness? Let me explain, lady mister whatever the hell team you're playing for.
Look, in this show, you play a princess who gets crowned queen and lives happily ever after.
Unless, of course, they declare you a total weirdo and the fickle public turns their back on you.
You mean like Tom Cruise? There's an angry mob led by the prime minister - surrounding the castle.
- (whip cracks) It sounds like he's whipping them into a frenzy.
Not the face.
Not the face! They have killed the princess.
Slice them up like a turkey on Thanksgiving morning.
I say we lynch them first and ask intelligent questions later.
(shouting) I haven't seen critics this out for blood since Puff Daddy did "Raisin in the Sun.
" We're going to to have to go down there and face the people.
Let me know how that turns out.
Chode, we don't have any choice.
We've gotta escort the princess out there and see if her subjects will accept her him.
I gotta take a wicked leak.
Where's the men's room? Is anyone really stupid enough to buy that big lug as the princess? Wow, is that princess babe hot or what? Show's on.
(fanfare plays) All hail the royal princess.
(all gasp) Smile at the people.
Watch where you're putting that thing, you buggy-eyed ass! Wait a minute.
Why is your voice so deep? Friday night's my poker night.
Too much booze and cigarettes.
Well, that satisfied my curiosity.
I'm not buying it.
If you're the princess, sing the princess's favorite song.
(whispers) (growling) Sorry, just warming up my instrument.
Hit it, frau.
#I love Slovenia in the summer # #When it sizzles # #I love Slovenia in the spring # #When the frigging flowers bloom # #I love Slovenia in the winter # #When it's snowing and snowing and snowing # You gotta admit it snows like a mother out here.
#But when you see Slovenia in the fall # #That's when I love Slovenia # #That's when she loves Slovenia # #That's when I love Slovenia # #That's when she loves Slovenia # #That's when I love Slovenia # #Most of all.
# Not bad.
We call it a backer's audition.
How much could I put you down for? Put me down for one pitchfork in the belly! Wait a minute.
I say we let the people decide.
Would you like to continue to live your lives in quiet desperation, living off the stale crumbs from this tyrant's table, or have a fabulous queen who's going to put on hit show after hit show and make this town a bundle off busloads of out-of-town suckers? Perhaps we could put on "Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Musical.
" Long live our drag queen! Hip hip hooray! What a bunch of ingrates.
Okay, I go to California.
I will be governor.
You just see if I don't.
Wait for me, Mother.
(cheering) Chode: Well, looky here.
I'm on a triple square.
That's another 84 points.
I'm kicking your pathetic asses.
There's nothing like a gracious winner.
And you're nothing like a gracious winner.
- Hey, what's this? - A bill from Dr.
Skankenstein.
"Use of laboratory, dry cleaning of laboratory smock, electric bill, I thought he went off to win "American Idol" and wasn't coming back.
Apparently, he hit a screechy high note that simultaneously burst both of Simon's eardrums and shattered Randy's glasses, blinding him for life.
What about Paula Abdul? She was very encouraging as always then went home and jumped out a window.
Whatever.
Nothing's gonna get in the way of my enjoyment at watching these two losers crash and burn at Scribble.
Oh, Chode, you wanna guess what's back from the shop? Later.
(gasps) (theme music playing)