Trollied (2011) s03e02 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? If you get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two for ones.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Boom.
Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right! Isn't it exciting? We're going to be expanded! I must say, I'm already bubbling with ideas.
Oh, maybe we can finally give pet foods its own area away from home baking.
To think I said it could never be done.
Oh, look, there's Richard.
"CU in five"? Oh, it's text speak.
"See you in five".
Oh, God.
Why the man can't use full sentences on a mobile phone is beyond me.
Oh, now, did you have any joy with the till supervisor interviews? Oh, useless, the lot of them.
Do you know who I think would be perfect? Young Katie.
Gavin, are you on magic mushrooms? I think it could be just the push that she needs.
Oh, I'll give her a go but I really don't think she's ready.
Oh.
Oh, it's a winking face, sticking its tongue out.
Oh, God.
What was ever wrong with a simple "hello"? "Room available, NS prof pref?" Non-smoking professional preferred.
B.
I.
N.
You want to be careful moving in with a random.
You've already done that once with Emma, remember? Ha-ha.
I ain't got much choice, have I? The only offer I've had is my mate Pete in Newquay, and I don't think I'm up for the commute.
Mate of mine, Jacko, moved in a place he found in the paper.
The other bloke who lived there is all, "Don't look in that other room".
Why didn't he want him to look in the other room? Cos it never happened? That's the thing, Margaret.
Jacko thinks to himself one night, "Gonna have a look in there.
" So, what do you think he saw? A murder? A pile of bullshit? A chimp, dressed as a baby, sleeping in a crib.
Yeah, right! Swear to God.
He moved out the next day.
Don't say you haven't been warned.
Gavin.
How's it hanging? Er, er, great, thank you, Richard.
Um, you? Amazing dot com.
Here you are, got you a smoothie.
Boom! It's a brainberry blitz.
Thought it might help get our brainstorming juices flowing.
Brainberry blitz? I had a great chat with H.
O.
yesterday.
Everyone's creaming themselves about Valco Better.
Shelly's happy for me and you to take the reins.
Wow.
That's fantastic news, and, er, I've actually been thinking a little bit about how we might revolutionise the store.
Brilliant.
Shoot.
Er, well, and stop me if you think that this is too mad, but what if we were to finally move pet foods into its own section, away from home-baking? I think that could really, really work.
And with double points available for the entire week, why not go that extra mile and treat yourself? We'd also like to remind customers all baby goods are on aisle four.
Ah, Sue! Oh! You're back! And you've got a baby! Aww, let me see him.
Here he is.
Say hello to your godmother, John.
Aww, he looks so interesting.
Hello, little Johnny.
Oh, don't call him that.
You make him sound like a condom.
Tell you what? Let's square one this shit.
Yeah.
Simplify.
Words on the wall.
Oh, no, Richard, you can't write on the wall! Spoiler alert, Gav.
I just did.
Right, I'll start us off.
Fresh.
Fr Sorry, fresh? Fresh? Fresh what? Just fresh.
Right, come on, your turn, just say whatever comes in to your head.
Go! Moving pet food away from home-baking.
That one's not going in the bag.
Bag? What bag? The good ideas bag.
Salmon.
Salmon.
Sole.
Sole.
Cod.
C.
.
Cod.
Mackerel.
Mackerel.
Monkfish.
Monkfish.
Sole Oh, fiddler on the roof.
Oh, Gav, have you got a minute? Well, er, not really, Andy, I'm a bit busy.
I've been having a think about this expansion and I think it gives us a chance to make a real statement with the meat counter.
Oh, really.
How exactly? We expand my area to create the longest meat counter in Europe.
The current longest one's in Oggersheim, Germany.
30 metres.
We could go 40 metres plus.
A 40-metre meat counter? What, with just two staff on it? Andy, are you out of your mind? No, no, I'd need a bigger team, obviously.
I'll stay head butcher, maybe bring in a dozen or so new guys.
Thank you, Andrew.
Rest assured I shall not be passing your idea on to Richard France.
Fine! Let Oggersheim win! Again.
Sole, salmon.
Sole, salmon.
Sole, salmon.
Cod, mackerel.
Cod, mackerel.
Monkfish.
Call me if it gets too much for you.
This is, after all, considerably above your skill level.
Cheers.
Cheers?! You can forget that kind of talk for a start.
Till supervisors don't say "cheers".
They say "thank you, madam".
Thank you, madam.
Yes, well, try and see if you can keep it going as best you can.
See if you can manage it for a day.
I'll do my best madam.
Nice clipboard.
You my boss now, then, are you? No.
Well, that's what a boss would say.
No, it isn't.
Er, proved my point.
Typical boss.
Anything you need, Katie, just let me know.
I'm happy to go the extra mile.
You don't have to try and impress me, Neville.
Understood.
Still, anything at all Oh, kiss arse.
Hello.
Hello, Kieran.
Oh.
Hi, Keith.
Is everything all right, is it? Oh, yeah.
Brilliant.
Can I get, er, six pork and leek sausages, please? Yeah, sure.
How's Emma? And can I get 15 grand as well? Oh, I'm afraid we don't do cashback here.
It's all right, Margaret.
No, I was asking Kieran, personally, for 15 grand.
You see, thanks to him, I splashed out 15 grand on my daughter's wedding.
Look, Keith I thought it might be nice to see some of that money back again.
Maybe spend it cheering m'daughter up.
Going through a divorce, thanks to him.
I'm a bit confused.
I mean, do you want cashback or not? No, Margaret, this is Keith, Emma's dad.
Oh, hello, nice to meet you, Keith.
If you ask at the tills, they should let you know about the cashback.
There you go.
Look, I know things aren't ideal Bye, Kieran.
I'll see you around.
Oh, Kieran, you've got a really nice father-in-law.
Bit simple, though, in't he? Richard, I don't think we should have three people off the shop floor at one time! You know, especially security.
We could be looted! Aw, someone takes a bag of rice.
He gives us the next big idea in retail.
Who's been looted? Answer - the competition.
Right, kid, how would you make Valco better? Er Well, we're already the best thing in the world but, um, I've always thought the trolleys were a bit boring.
It might be more fun if they were remote controlled.
Remote-controlled trolleys? Yes, Leighton has always had a wild imagination but I love it! What are you on, kid? Cos whatever it is, I want it in my smoothie.
I'm on £6.
50 an hour.
Ha! It's a good one, kid.
What about you, Andy? Er, I'm a meat man, Mr France.
Always have been, always will be.
The one thing we don't do is meat with ambition.
All right, I'm listening.
Oggersheim, Germany.
Oh! Not that again.
The longest meat counter in Europe.
I say we take that title, make Europe's longest meat counter right here in Warrington.
I love it.
It's headline-grabbing.
Great pitch, A-bomb, you've just made your way in to the bag.
Pies.
We should have more pies in the canteen.
We hardly ever have them.
Maybe even a pie day when it's just pies.
Pie day! Top thinking! Gavbo, your turn! Oh, right.
An extra four metres of shelf space on homeware.
If the numbers go up, they can make a real difference.
You need to stop thinking about the numbers, Gav, just let go Leighton? Don't tell me you've got more gold? Yeah.
Erm, sometimes, I get a bit bored of the aisles because they're all in straight lines.
Maybe it'd be more fun if we re-arranged them into a maze.
Wow! See, that, right there, was a wow! You see that, Gav? You could learn a lot from Leighton.
I mean, it does take two to have a divorce.
He's got no right coming in to my work and having a go at me.
I know, I know.
I might as well just disappear, make a fresh start.
You need to find somewhere else to live.
You must have a mate with a spare room.
Why didn't I think of that before?! Cheers, Katie, watch the counter for me, will you? Wait? I can't, I'm busy! Hey, Sue.
You brought the little'un in! Yeah, thought I'd come in and show him off.
Aw.
Let your auntie Margaret say hello.
Oh, what a bonnie b Oh, hello.
D'you wanna hold him? Oh, no.
No thank you.
No uniforms.
Brilliant.
Cake day.
Shopping in the dark.
Someone better call Terry's cos this is all gold.
This bag's nearly full, guys.
Full of awesome.
Andy? Got any suggestions? Er live butchery.
I love it.
What is it? Right, live butchery.
You know those cookery demonstrations you see, where they teach people how to cook? It's like that, except you butcher a pig.
I'm sorry but I think we may have lost touch with reality here.
It's brilliant! Live butchery, showing off a skill.
See, that could really resonate with the B and C1 River Cottagers.
Putting them in touch with what they're eating.
Boom, Andy.
Boom! In your face.
Live butchery.
Oh, what the hell, let's do it today.
What!? You what? Let's run with the idea.
I'll get you a pig, set it up at the front and you can do a live butchery demonstration.
Death on the Nile! Are you seriously suggesting that Andy chops up a dead pig in front of the customers?! It'll be great, trust me.
We'll make a real show of it.
Eh, Andy? Yeah.
Brilliant.
I just thought, maybe if you wanted the extra rent.
Oh.
What do you mean, Laura'd not be comfortable with it? You're my mates, not Emma's.
It's not about taking sides Ah.
Ready? Aw.
Babies are dead ugly, aren't they? Yeah.
Hey, Lisa, just think, do you know what we did this morning It creates one of those.
It's amazing, innit? You can't get pregnant if it goes on your back.
Yeah.
Sole.
Sole.
Salmon.
Cod.
Salmon.
Cod.
Mackerel.
Mackerel.
Monkfish.
Excuse me.
Where is your meat aisle? Oh, erm, aisle 16.
Thank you.
I'm going to get the biggest steak for my Gavin.
You're Anna? Wait, you are Julie! Oh, I am so glad to meet you, Julie! Oh, I can just tell we're going to be best friends! There's my Gavin! Oh, what a wonderful surpri Darling, I'm buying you a steak for tonight.
Julie, as a red-blooded man, I feel Gavin should have at least one steak a day.
Although I do prefer a nice salad from time to time.
Gavin, I have to tell you off.
You did not tell me how beautiful Julie is.
Oh, that's, that's hardly fair, I said Julie's always turned out very smartly.
We should go for lunch! Now.
The three of us.
Yeah, no, I've got a bit of a pig emergency to deal with.
Oh, do you need me? With you, at your side? No, no, no.
I'll see you later.
What a wonderful surprise Oh! Me and Julie can get to know each other better! We have so much to talk about.
Have you ever butchered a whole pig before? Not for years.
And never on my own.
You'll be fine, Andy.
I'm going for a walk.
You found somewhere to live yet, Kieran? No.
To be honest I'm not sure it's worth it, Margaret.
I thought you wanted a fresh start.
I'm not gonna get that here, am I? I'm always gonna run in to Emma, or her family or her friends.
Warrington's just too small.
Oh, I don't know about that.
We've got a Debenhams.
Can I help you, love? Have either of you had your breaks yet? Don't worry about me.
I'm happy to work through my break.
No, no, Neville, you have to take a break.
It's law.
Right, OK, Neville, you go at three.
Lisa, you're at half past? Telling me when I can and can't eat now? God, you've changed.
I'm just trying to sort your breaks out.
Is half three all right? I wanna go at three.
But I've just put Neville down for three.
Don't worry about me, boss.
I'm happy to work through my break.
I'm not your boss! Right, OK, Lisa, you're at three.
Neville, you're half past.
What a bitch.
How does that look? Amazeballs dot com.
Please, please, Richard, for the love of God, please don't go through with this! Oh, Gavin, chillax.
This is what Valco Better's all about.
Trying things nobody's ever done before, seeing what works.
Yeah.
There's a reason no-one's ever butchered a whole pig at the front of a supermarket before.
Because it's insane! Got your pig.
Brilliant! Just stick her on the block, lads.
Look at that.
II I don't know what to say.
This is really happening.
Andy! Have a look at her.
Oh, bloody hell.
What you reckon? Do you think she'll do? Listen.
I've been thinking, I'm used to handling much smaller cuts of meat.
Maybe it'd be better if I just did a rack of ribs or something.
Ribs?! No way, we're going for spectacle.
Come on, you should be proud, you had a great idea.
Yeah, but it's massive.
So will you be after this.
Even got your name up there.
You excited, Andy? Yep.
Sole, salmon, cod, mackerel, monkfish.
Sole, salmon, cod, mackerel, monkfish.
Salmon, sole, cod, mackerel, monkfish.
Salmon, sole, cod, mackerel, monkfish.
Monkfish, salmon, sole, cod, mackerel.
Monkfish, salmon, sole, cod, mackerel.
All done.
Anyway, erm, there are the tills, so I'll leave you to it.
Nice to meet you, Anna.
Oh, so great to meet you, Julie.
I honestly feel like I have met a sister today.
Really? All my life I have wanted a much older sister.
Now I have one.
Katie.
Right, I have got a bone to pick with you.
I have looked like a right tit with this walkie-talkie and clipboard all day and you have not took the piss.
Are you ill? I need to talk to you.
All right.
What's up? I'm going to Newquay.
What the hell? How long for? Well, I dunno.
I spoke to my mate, Pete.
He said I can stay as long as I like.
Bloody hell, Kieran? I need to get away.
Yeah, yeah, but running away.
I mean, that won't change anything.
I dunno what else to do.
So that's it, then? You're leaving? I mean, do you care about anyone other than yourself? Like me? I don't want you to go.
I'm sorry.
I've gotta to do this.
Thanks a lot, Kieran.
Salmon, cod, mackerel.
Sole, sole, sole, sole, sole, sole, sole.
Sole.
sole, salmon, sole, sole, salmon.
Monkfish, monkfish, monkfish.
Sole, salmon, salmon, sole.
Salmon, sole.
Mackerel.
Right.
Well Here we go.
Now, the first thing we need to do when we're butchering a pig is to split the abdomen all the way down which allows us to remove the guts.
You know what, I'm just going to get a bigger knife.
So, we need to, we need to get a big enough section that we can remove the guts, without tainting the meat.
Oh, there we go, yeah Oh, God.
It stinks.
Let me just get inside.
OK, now, what I've done What I've done there, is just caught the membrane.
Have I got to ask you if I can go home now?! I'm really not in the mood today, Lisa.
Oh, Katie, how did you get on today? Yeah, fine.
Julie, she was a star.
Oh, shut up, Neville.
Well, I suppose there were no disasters but I'm still not convinced you've got the right attitude.
Yeah, her attitude's been dead rubbish, Julie.
Oh, just shut up! Shut up, all right?! I don't care if you're a mate, I'm having a shit day, and I've nothing but grief from you and you're not speaking to me like that! All right!? All right.
Soz.
Why did the man destroy a pig, Mummy? I don't know, darling.
I really don't know.
You all right? Well, that was a disaster.
Ah, disaster's harsh, Gav.
Just didn't work out.
In my book, that's a learning experience.
Oh, yeah! What did we learn? Not to destroy a pig in front of all the customers? I already knew that.
How could there so much bone in one pig? Look, we tried something, it didn't work, we'll try something else.
That's what Valco Better is all about.
Right, catch you tomorrow, might do another brainstorming blitz.
Catch you laters.
Oh, erm, don't forget your, your ideas bag.
Good, he's gone.
I'm sorry I made you throw up.
You ruined a perfectly good pig, Andrew.
There wasn't even anything usable.
The eyes.
I can still see the eyes.
Yeah, don't ask.
So, er Anna got away OK, did she? Oh, yes, yes, super.
She's erm She's very different to Barbara.
Not at all the sort of woman I'd have put you with.
Oh, she makes me feel ten years younger.
Yes, she's very Spanish.
You know, Gavin, there's nothing wrong with a man sowing his wild oats but Ah, Julie I just think your about to cross the work/personal life line so shall we just leave it at that? Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
Have a good evening, Julie.
You too.
Enjoy your steak.
It won't be the same without you.
Probably only be for a few months.
Will you write to me? Write? I'll text.
Oh, I don't do texts.
You never know who's reading them.
I'll miss you, buggerlugs.
Oh, don't give me those eyes.
Come here.
Come here, you.
Ah, mate, that hurts.
Sorry, got something in my eye.
Oh, mate, you're going to have me going.
Bit of pig bone.
Look.
Right in the corner.
So that's 30.
There's your receipt and your change.
Thank you.