Vikingane (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1
The next one is for Arvid.
How many times
does the Midgard Serpent
go around Midgard?
- Oh, my Thor, Olav, it's too easy.
- Shut up, I know this.
Uh, well, he bites himself in the tail,
so he goes one turn around.
One turn is right.
Frøya, how nice.
- I'll do it.
- Do what?
Marry Orm.
Excellent. Smart.
- On one condition.
- Okay.
I get to be one of your warriors.
- My warriors?
- Yes.
I get to join on all of your raids,
and I get to plunder and mutilate.
Okay, that might be
a little bit difficult.
Why is that?
- Because
- Because?
The group is complete.
Oh, come on. Everybody knows
women can't be warriors.
Oh. Why is that?
Why? Well, there are lots of reasons.
- Please, name one.
- Well, for starters, women can't fight.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Yeah, and also,
raids are very much about ravishing.
You know? Rape is kind of our trademark.
Yeah, so I've heard.
Yeah, exactly. How in the world are you
supposed to ravage with that thing?
It can't be done, it's impossible.
Cunts go inwards.
Frøya
- welcome on board.
- Thank you.
See you on the raid.
Actually, Frøya, the wedding comes first.
it's the most natural thing
in the world that women aren't present.
Then you'll get meat on your club.
Hi, Arvid.
Guaranteed, all the time.
What are you guys up to?
- Drinking lots of water?
- No, it's mead, actually.
We're day raging,
if you've heard of that.
Getting drunk at daytime.
It's the best kind of drunk.
Well, isn't that kind of irresponsible,
you being Olav's right-hand man, and all?
But then again, you're kind of a madcap
who refuses to act his own age
and just lives in the moment
without thinking about the consequences.
Yeah. And people accept it
because you have this boyish charm
that makes it almost impossible
to be mad at you.
Yeah, maybe.
No, it's true. And that way,
you avoid all the consequences
which, strictly speaking, could have been
some very valuable lessons.
- Yeah?
- So, we'll just have to see
if you change once you are put
in a situation where you are forced
to take responsibility or something.
Oh, I seriously doubt that!
Speaking of responsibility,
I'm getting married.
Yeah.
And then I'll need a best man.
Yes.
- Olav, you should ask Olav.
- Yes. No, I did, but unfortunately,
that wasn't possible.
Something about it not being a good idea
that we became even closer than we are now
and I should get close to other people
as well, and blah blah blah
A lot of immaterial things.
So then, I thought about you,
because I really feel that
- you and I are starting to hit it off.
- No, we're not.
And it wouldn't work anyway,
because I
I don't believe in marriage.
You know, I'm the kind of guy
who jumps from one lady to another.
A fuck boy who breaks hearts.
At least, in theory.
- So, you are on board?
- No.
You can think about it,
maybe you'll think about it.
I don't need that.
Maybe just a little?
I just don't want to.
Ragnar. By Odin, you are looking sharp.
A real dreamboat, that's what you are.
I mean, for the ladies,
you're a real dreamboat.
For the ladies.
- I know.
- They like your
masculine looks, and your
strong physique.
You're preaching to the choir, Orm.
What do you want?
Um, the fact is, I'm getting married.
And in that matter, uh
I need a trusted friend
who has always been there and
will be like a rock
and has always been like a rock,
and will be there in the future.
So, I would like to ask you
if you would do me the honor
of being my best man?
So, that leaves just the two of us,
and that makes my choice easy.
So, uh, Ørn,
I would like to ask you,
would you do me the honor
of being my, uh
best man?
I'm afraid it's going to take my full
attention to remove this knife
and stop the bleeding.
And what about after that?
After that, I think I have to focus on
uh, tending to the wound.
And recuperating.
Just
I'm sorry, there's just not going
to be any room to be your best man.
So, that's a shame.
I just wanted to ask if you perhaps
want to be, at my wedding, my best man?
No, right, because it's normally a man.
It can be a woman, maybe.
Okay, kids, here they come.
Let's just smile and show ourselves
from our best side, okay?
Yes, so the day has come. Liberation Day.
Which of you have earned
the right to be freed?
Kark, you're always up there.
No, there are others who deserve it
much more than me.
Maybe one of the families
with small children.
They have a real chance of starting
a decent life together.
And that's a good point.
So, Arnstein slave.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah?
You have toiled harder than anyone
for years, without complaining.
It's exemplary, they tell me.
So, you deserve freedom the most.
Thank you!
We've really done our utmost
to to please you, and
we really, really appreciate this.
Thank you so much.
And you should know this,
if this was a regular Liberation Day,
I'd grant you your freedom
right here, now.
- Yes.
- But
this year, something very special
has happened.
This year, an offer has come in
from the sidelines.
Someone here in the village has offered me
a significant amount of silver
to free one particular slave.
And then it would be a little dishonorable
to refuse that.
- So, Olvar, you want to come here?
- Yeah.
Want to share some thoughts?
Well, uh, it has been
a poorly kept, uh, secret
that I've been quite smitten
by, uh, one of you.
For some time now.
And she
Yes, because it is a "she."
uh, has even let me sample her
a number of times.
And, uh, I must say
it's been extremely, uh
pleasing.
With petting uh, penetration
Olvar, you're beating a little bit
around the bush now, so
Right, sorry.
Uh, where was I?
Um, yeah, well, anyway.
The one whose freedom I would like to
purchase is Liv.
- Liv?
- Yes.
- What is he
- Your wife.
What is he talking about?
Liv?
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Liv, what what's going on?
I'm the first to be sorry,
that it had to end like this, Arnstein.
But, uh this is also about me
refusing to compromise anymore.
The last thing I want is to hurt you,
Arnstein. I want you to know that.
Well, that is pretty easy.
I mean, just don't do this.
For sure. But it's also time for Liv to
start thinking a little about Liv again.
But, I mean, we could be free together.
Think about how traumatizing
this is for the kids.
Listen. She has made her decision, okay?
And it's not very cool of you to push
your children in front of you like that.
You know? It's easy to understand
why she doesn't choose you,
when you're so critical of her.
Please don't take it personally, Arnstein.
Try to be a little happy for me instead.
I'm becoming the wife of a wealthy farmer.
I don't want to bring any guilt
into this new relationship.
Okay, okay. Everyone has work to do.
Next year is a new chance.
Liv!
Hey, look here, Arnstein.
Look, I guarantee you
she is bound to have a counter reaction
when she realizes that social standing
and material wealth
can never replace true love.
- You think so?
- No, I know so.
Love conquers all. Just don't give up.
I don't know what it is, but I
always get emotional when I see
families torn apart like that.
Even
though I know it's more or less
a daily occurrence now in the Viking age
Sure, but then again, they're slaves.
They don't have the same feelings
we humans have.
They're more like fish, in that sense.
I know, I know. But I often think that
it could've been our brother,
when I see things like that.
- Me?
- No, our big brother.
Big brother?
Do I have other brothers than you?
Yeah, I told you about Karl.
- Karl?
- Never heard about him.
You know Karl?
- No.
- He was just a little baby,
back in the days when Norheim
was facing a mighty enemy.
So, Father, he decided to send Karl
up north
to save the chieftain blood.
Yeah.
To make sure that everyone knew that
he was heir to Norheim,
they tattooed a huge "N" rune on his back.
They tattooed a small baby?
That must have been very traumatic.
Back in those days, they didn't pamper
the children like we do.
- Mm.
- Yeah. It's somewhat unclear
what happened to Karl after that.
Yeah. I was born,
and they kind of forgot about him.
But there was a rumor that Karl
was captured and sold as a slave.
My own brother, a slave from the north?
What a horrible thought.
What if he's slaving around somewhere
right now?
Maybe he even has a slave version
of his name.
It's kind of funny, actually,
because, uh, I was sent up north
and sold as a slave when I was a baby
and I have a huge tattoo on my back,
so I can really relate to that story.
Don't mix your filthy slave story
with our proud family history here, Kark.
It's just very wrong,
- and it's very disgraceful.
- I'm sorry.
It's probably just this
strange sense of belonging
I've always felt with this village
- that's talking
- We can sell you off at any moment,
so don't feel too much belonging.
- That's just my little tip.
- Okay, of course. Thank you.
What if this brother of yours
should return home one day, for example?
Will he then become a chieftain?
Absolutely, in an instant.
And if this brother has a wife,
- would she become chieftain's wife?
- Yeah, of course.
All right.
Hello.
We're looking for a Jarl Varg.
Is he inside, maybe?
Jarl Varg. He's supposed to be
a pleasant, jolly character.
Apparently he has a long, thick,
impressive head of hair.
Real lush Viking hair.
We are okay?
I'm Jarl Varg.
Now you're talking nonsense, old-timer.
You don't fit the description at all.
Can I help you with something?
Yes, we are looking for Jarl Varg.
Okay, this is Jarl Varg.
But he's just an old, bald man.
For your information,
his hairstyle is a conscious decision
made for fashion purposes.
- You call that fashion?
- Yeah, I call that fashion.
In a time when most men
have long hair and full beards,
his lack of hair actually makes him
a sort of rebel.
I can agree with you in theory,
but fashion is just so much more complex.
It's about individualism
and emphasizing who you are.
Take me, for example.
I use my hair as an accessory,
where I shave the back of my head
and I keep a certain length up front.
That's a statement,
but he has cut off everything.
That's not playful.
It has no credibility, zero content.
That is not hair fashion.
It's just a haircut.
But, I don't know, if you combine the look
with a tattoo to the face,
I mean, I'm not sure it helps,
but it's worth a try. Maybe.
Well, um anyway,
Chieftain Olav of Norheim
wonders if Jarl Varg
has any plans two full moons from now.
Let me see.
Two full moons?
Mm-mm-mm. Let's see.
No. Varg's calendar stick
looks pretty open.
Perfect, because Chieftain Olav's
little brother, Orm,
is getting married.
So, um, yeah.
Well, here's the invitation
- Yeah.
- To his, uh, bachelor party,
and, of course, the wedding feast
in two full moons from now.
Busy.
- Busy.
- I can see again.
I can check again.
No. Wide open.
Not a single thing on your agenda, Varg.
Yeah, so bachelor party is great.
- Perfect.
- Now I have to take Varg inside,
it's getting a little drafty here.
- Have a nice day.
- Yeah.
I said, "busy."
- Yeah, so busy.
- Busy.
Hildur, any hard physical labor,
or other slave things
- I can do for you?
- Pull up your shirt.
Oh, you're going to rape me?
Okay, I'll probably have crabs and fungus
and other contagious stuff, but if you
just keep a positive attitude,
you probably won't catch it,
so just dig in.
No, Kark, I just thought
I'd give you a small whipping.
Oh, of course. Good idea.
Any special occasion, or
It's mostly about being reminded
of our rules now and then.
I think we all could benefit from that.
Yeah, that's very clever.
I think I actually got
a bit too comfortable earlier,
I spoke without being spoken to first,
and small things like that.
Leave us.
Perfect. Not too many screams of pain.
And here is a small
elm leaf.
One of the loveliest.
I wish you were a bit more invested
in making this herb potion, Liv.
By Thor, you're boring me, Olvar.
I almost miss my life as a slave,
and that really shouldn't be possible.
Yes?
Yes, uh, you have visitors.
Okay, good.
Shoo, Arnstein! Get out!
Liv doesn't like it when you stare at her.
Shoo!
Wow, nice place.
- Olvar.
- Now, if it isn't Arvid.
Norheim's faithful guardian,
and the hands-down prettiest faced person.
What brings you to us?
Orm is getting married,
and he wants to invite you to the wedding.
We are newly in love
and newlyweds ourselves.
By the way, have you met Liv?
No. Hello.
- Hi Oh!
- Arvid.
That's quite a handshake.
Maybe you have
something to learn here, Olvar.
- Hm?
- Shaking your hand
feels like picking up a jellyfish.
With all due respect.
He wants you to come to
the bachelor party, too.
Mm, bachelor party.
I've been a fixture at a number of those
over the years. As a slave, of course.
And you might say, things got pretty hot.
- Well, um
- Countless hand jobs.
Fingering, mating.
If you absolutely want me to get specific,
Olvar.
- No.
- Raping slaves
is totally by the book, Olvar.
Pursuant to common law.
Well, you have plenty of people to
I'll show you to the gate.
If you can't handle the heat,
get out of the kitchen, Olvar.
Or get out of the hearth,
to be more contemporary.
But she seemed like a really nice lady.
Yeah? You think Yes!
Yes, absolutely. A little sharp
around the edges, maybe, but
she really means well. I mean, deep down,
- she's a real sweetheart.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay. She just needs
a little bit of time to adapt.
To be "tamed," yeah.
It's not easy to become a human
all of a sudden,
- after being a subhuman for many years.
- No, of course.
But, uh she's a great woman.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
But, uh, I do have
my work cut out with her.
- That's for sure.
- It will sort out.
- Yeah.
- But, see you at the bachelor party, then.
Yeah.
Yes. Uh
I just need to check with Liv.
- Mm-hm.
- But I'm pretty sure that
that will work out.
So, yeah, see you see you there.
He's not coming.
I think that should do it.
Yes?
- Enjoy the rest of your day.
- Thank you.
Chieftain Olav?
Hello. Um
There's this thing I've been pondering,
and I was wondering
if I could speak openly with you?
You're my favorite slave, Kark,
you can speak as open as you want.
Thank you.
It's just that, um,
I think we might be brothers.
I think I'm your brother.
What on Earth are you talking about now?
That story you told a while back,
about your big brother who was sent
up north and sold as a slave.
There are so many details
that match my own story.
In fact, they're exactly the same.
That might be, but
Karl, he had a huge "N" rune
tattooed on his back.
Yeah, but I've actually been told that I
have a huge "N" rune tattooed on my back.
What?
- You have a huge "N" rune on your back?
- Yeah, that's what they say.
If you have an "N" on your back,
then you are Karl.
Then we are brothers.
Yeah.
You're my big brother.
You know, I'm getting goosebumps.
- Don't you?
- Yes, I do!
- We have to find out.
- Yeah.
This is all
very hard to tell if this is an "N" rune.
- Okay.
- Could just as well be an "H," or
You know, this is impossible to read.
It is? Okay.
If we can't be certain
we have to let it go.
Oh, yeah, sure, of course. Um
If we can't be 100% sure,
then it's better to just leave it, yeah.
- Nice try.
- Thank you.
So, yeah, the pisspot is, uh, I would say,
almost too full.
Yeah, of course.
Yes. It's so nice to see so many
of my very dear and near friends.
As you all know, it was very important
for me to find a best man
who was, uh, motivated for the task.
But also, someone who knows me
better than anyone.
So, uh, I made a very conscious choice
of becoming my own best man.
But that's a very good choice.
We're all excited here now.
Yes. They say a perfect bachelor party
consists of the following ingredients:
A spoonful of love,
a sword point of friendship,
a sprinkling of fellowship,
a generous cup of songs, and finally,
two tiny pinches of man talk.
Yeah, that's really well put.
That's creative.
So very, uh, creative.
Yes, so buck up,
because I have a program that's perfect
for us men who like to sex with the ladies
with our pee-pees when they are
- stiff.
- I like that.
I agree, sex is very pleasurable.
Good. Then I can cross off
"man talk" on my list. So, that's done.
This is great, Orm.
Very well-structured plan.
Very good.
As you all read in the invitation,
you were supposed to bring an item
that reminds you of the very first time
you met me.
So, uh, who would like to go first?
Olav, would you like to start?
- Yeah, yeah, I can begin.
- Good.
Right. I brought you this,
uh, little stick
'cause it reminds me of you
when you were a little boy.
You always had this stick with you,
didn't you?
Nick the stick.
You remember Nick the stick?
Oh, yeah, I remember Nick the stick.
Nick the stick was a great stick.
Wow, you really hit the nail
on that one, Olav.
Oh, wow, that was I'll just take a hug.
Yeah, we'll do that later.
Afterwards. But this
Wow!
Okay, next.
- Arvid.
- Wait
I have something for you, Orm.
Okay.
I'm usually busy 24-7
with, uh, hard physical labor,
but, uh, I've spent every second
of my very limited spare time
making a little gift for you.
Instead of sleeping, you could say. Um
Kark, Kark, Kark
Listen, listen, listen.
You have to remember that we humans,
we have a much higher standard
than you subhumans.
So, what in the world could you
possibly have made
that would have any significance
to me whatsoever?
Of course.
I'm sorry, you're absolutely right.
- My bad.
- Yes, of course it's your bad.
- Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
- No.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yes.
Varg, do you think
we can sit wherever we want
or if they'll have place cards?
If they have place cards,
we may not sit together.
And now
we're missing the bachelor party, too.
Which would have been a good occasion
to get to know people,
and have some things in common
to talk about.
Yes.
Now, pretty much everyone
will be a stranger.
And you know as well as I do, Varg,
that I am horrible at mingling
and small-talking with strangers.
I simply can't crack that small-talk code.
Maybe I can talk about the weather.
Say that I hope it won't be
quite as cool, moving forward.
Things like that? That's always a winner.
Yeah. I'm going to talk about the weather.
That's what I'll do.
Now, the one the drinking horn points at
has to share his best sex tip.
That is something you do while sexing
that the ladies like the most.
- That the ladies like the most?
- Yeah.
- Do we have to?
- Yes.
It's cool.
Okay.
Orm, your best sex tip.
This should be good.
Uh, yes. So, my best tip?
Not just one of all the other things I do,
but it needs to be
the very best one of all?
Yeah, the very best one.
The one the ladies like the most.
Yes.
Yes, one thing I'm very good at is, uh
kneading boobs.
Okay.
Yes, because my hands are very strong,
so I'm a very powerful kneader.
Okay, and that's a good thing?
Yes, I just grab the titties
and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze
for dear life.
Until the milk just starts squirting out,
and that's what's called the climax.
And the climax is the best thing
a woman can experience.
Then a cascade of sensual pleasures
just pours out of her.
So, that's perhaps my
best tip, my little, uh, secret.
Okay, wow. Yeah. Good, good, good
I was just thinking,
maybe we should, uh
just call it a night
so we're not too tired
for the wedding tomorrow.
But it's so early.
And it's so light outside. Aren't we going
to sit together into the wee hours,
and laugh and drink
and become a very tight-knit group
- and all those kind of things?
- Of course.
In a perfect world,
that's exactly what we'd do. But
it's kind of the best man's fault,
fitting the bachelor party
one day ahead of the wedding, so
Oh, I see.
I kind of feel it would be a little
irresponsible to keep this going
much longer, so
Yeah. Yeah.
I think I might call it a night, too.
It's a new day tomorrow, after all.
I really want to make the most out of it.
But this has been a lot of fun, Orm,
and we should do this again sometime.
Yes, we should. So the wedding's tomorrow,
then maybe the day after?
- We're probably too tired anyway.
- Yes, so maybe the day after that, then?
- Mm, we'll just see.
- We'll be Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Kark, sit there.
Laugh.
Laugh more.
More.