Web Therapy (2011) s03e02 Episode Script

Previously on Web Therapy What is it? What is it, Robin? You want to bring down the campaign to, what, get back at me for I-don't-know-what? I was addicted to her, and she was my drug.
And you flushed her down the toilet.
I did that for you.
- Thank you, Fiona.
I - Well, you're welcome.
I love you too.
I love you too.
We're gonna have to learn to get along.
But the one good thing that we have - in common is Kip.
- What? There are so many positive reviews for Net Therapy that Google started to pay attention at that point - What? - and is making us a huge offer.
We had proximity last night.
And look where that led.
Do you have memories of the future? I No, I don't.
I bought you that apartment you liked in New York.
The penthouse? Fiona, Fiona, why are you so fat? - Well, but it's not accurate.
- Oh, really? I'm going to be in New York next week.
It's easy enough for me to meet you for drinks.
- Oh - I'd love to offer to help.
Smarts and beauty too when you put them all together you have smarts and beauty too in one human being called Fiona that's who Hm.
Fantastic.
This is fun, writing songs.
And it's so easy.
Hello, Jackson.
- Fiona.
- Yes, it's me.
It's so good to see you.
Yes, and it's fine to see you too.
- Listen - How are you? Well, I'm fine.
I'm You look beautiful.
Oh, thank you very much.
Listen, this is gonna be awkward, okay? Because I'm not calling to reconnect.
I'm simply calling so that I could retrieve my Rolex watch.
- I remember this.
- What? What's about to happen.
Oh, the future memory.
Yeah, okay.
Good.
Do you remember, then, returning my watch to me? - You lost your watch.
- Yes, okay.
I "lost" my watch in Laguna, because I had taken it off so that honestly, out of, you know, thoughtfulness toward you.
I didn't want to scratch you, you know, so But you did anyway.
You know, if you took it, then, you know, I'm sorry.
I left it out, and it was tempting to you, given your position, sort of a you know, the commoner and the princess, trying to hold on to that piece or, you know, feeling that you could aspire to the likes of me.
I mean, I understand.
You think I took your watch? Well, it's a Rolex.
I- I'm sure that it is.
- You know.
- Oh.
No, I did not take your watch.
- Oh.
- That's so sweet.
You're so sweet, but transparent.
Transparent? Well, "sweet" I understand.
You're trying so hard not to love me right now.
It's a stunt, but I'm pulling it off, I think.
"Love me.
All I need is your love.
All I need is love.
" Well, you can find it from someone else more in your station.
I'm speaking in your voice.
- Oh.
- That wasn't me talking.
- Oh.
- That was me talking as you.
Okay, it didn't sound like me, so it wasn't You're so beautiful.
Yes, thank you.
You're handsome too.
And I'm sure there's gonna be a very lucky waitress or some, you know, shop clerk who's going to be thrilled to be with You're probably, you know, a very good salesman, 'cause it looks like you have a nice office.
You have a lot to offer, Jackson.
You really do.
So why don't you stop ramming your head into this brick wall? Just be happy with yourself.
You don't need me.
What I hear you saying is, "I am giving myself excuses to call you "and to see you and to connect with you and to love you.
" I guess that's from your perspective, but All I can do is see the world from my perspective.
- Right.
- That's all anyone can do.
No, I think people with compassion can see the world through others' eyes.
And that's what I'm trained to do, so You're shrouding yourself.
I see it.
You're shrouding.
All right.
Send the watch to the Laguna resort.
Thank you and good-bye.
I love you.
What an exhausting human being that is.
Uh-oh.
I guess I didn't pack it.
Oh, hello, Kip.
Hi, Fiona, you look You look good.
- Oh, so do you.
- Listen Oh, thank you.
Ben and I want to use the Fire Island beach house this weekend.
Actually, we're leaving tonight.
So I just want to make sure you're not gonna be there, because we're arriving.
Well, of course I'm not gonna be there.
Why would I be there? Because sometimes you use the house and I don't know about it.
So you're not gonna be there, and no one's there? - That's all I want to know.
- No.
No one No one will be there.
Why are you asking her for permission - to use your own home? - Ben, Ben, - because we share the house - Yes, because it's my We're married, you know, so it's my house too.
That was my anniversary present from Kip.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- So yes, he should ask me.
- Well, then, he has.
So let's fight about it some more.
Everything's fine.
So so we can just continue packing and - I'm sorry.
- Okay, all right.
This is your fam-- your home in New Mexico? Yes, it is.
It's Albuquerque, which is known as the Paris of New Mexico.
- Oh.
- There are so many galleries here, Fiona, you'd love it, really.
I would love it? We're out every night going to galleries - and meeting people, it's great.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
You can get into the gun Isn't there a big gun culture out there now? Guns? Yes, I think there are guns.
There are guns in the house, probably.
There's also a constitution.
- Yeah.
- No, but that's good.
If you ever want, you know, a future again in politics.
- I've got a future in politics.
- Yeah.
I'm just taking a little time off.
No, but it's good to be in line with the you know, the NRA.
I completely agree with their slogan, "Guns don't kill people.
People with guns kill people.
" - Is that it? - That's not - No.
- Yes, it is.
It's "People kill people.
" People kill people, not just with guns.
They kill them with knives and with kindness.
- Ever tried that? - Yeah, but their point They're trying to defend guns.
And of course, a gun is not capable of premeditation.
And a gun is not capable of escalating emotion.
So of course a gun can't kill people.
It's people with guns kill people.
That's their point.
- Is it? - No.
And this is why I have been telling you she is toxic.
- What? - You are a toxic person.
I think that's a strong word.
You are like a turd from North Korea.
- Ben Okay.
- Radioactive poo.
You know what? Whatever you think - about guns is your opinion - No, I'm just - They're very popular here.
- I'm quoting the NRA.
No, you're not.
You're actually not.
Okay, I'm informing you on what their position is, because you need to get in good with them.
- No, we're in fine with them.
- Yeah.
And the reason why we are is 'cause we know what the slogan is.
And we're friends We have friends with guns.
We do.
Darius and Devon.
- Devon Our friends with guns.
- Mm-hmm.
And they conceal them and carry them.
- Isn't that what they call it? - It's conceal/carry.
Conceal/carry.
There are some women with that have two mommies with their children.
- We have bravo parties.
- Bravo parties.
You know, I know more about housewives than I ever thought I would know.
He does the best Phaedra impression.
I'm not doing it now.
Don't ask me.
He won't He has to be high.
- Okay.
- What? - Oh, very smart.
- It's one of the housewives - It's Atlanta.
- Atlanta, that's what it was.
Phaedra, he does.
"Mmm, I got a donkey booty.
" - But he does it better.
- I'm not gonna do it.
I wish you would.
Do you want me to go get an edible? - What? - Edible.
It's I have medical marijuana.
- Oh.
- Because I have anxiety.
Yeah, I knew he couldn't cope with the campaign.
He was falling apart before my eyes.
Ben did a magnificent job with the campaign, Fiona.
- Oh, "magnificent" - Yes.
Means running it into the ground? - That's the same thing now? - No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think that's true.
- By the way, on that subject.
- Yes? You might be getting a phone call from I think they're, like, a U.
S.
attorney - in Philadelphia or something.
- What? It's about just wrapping up all the campaign - Wait, like the A.
U.
S.
A.
? - Fine.
You can acronym it all you want.
No, that's federal.
Is it federal or is it not? I don't know anything about this.
Why wasn't I informed about this? Well, this sounds serious, that's all.
Well, it can't be that serious.
I mean, it's not Is it? - No, no, no, no, no.
And it - So they're looking into what? It's about the hair and makeup account that you wanted and opened.
But it's not my account.
What is this about, the campaign finances? Well, if it has to do with money, yes, Fiona, they call that finance.
It's a fancy word for money.
No, but I handed in invoices, so I didn't know Well, handing in invoices is the same as being the person who is doing the transactions.
I'm not sure if you were aware of that.
Well, then can't you just handle it for me, Kip, - if it's not serious? - Me? Yeah, well, I could I'm watching television a lot, but I could take a minute and call.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't be involved in any of this.
- Why not? - Because this is not how we're trying to make a break here.
Remember what we discussed? Yes, I know, but not now, Ben, not now.
- What? - No, there's nothing I- I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I want a divorce.
Hello, Richard.
- Hello, Fiona.
- Hi, it's good to see you.
Well, thank you.
I'm not really able to I'm not free to talk to you right now.
Okay, well, after this, I won't contact you anymore.
I need your help with regard Well, I cannot help you.
I am not at liberty to discuss anything.
Who told you that? I'm telling you that.
Oh, this is from you? This is what I'm saying to you.
Okay, well, I'll be very brief, okay? I need to get some records from the accounts from the campaign.
Everything was shredded.
Ben had me shred everything.
Oh, Ben had you shred everything.
And I don't have anything.
I have nothing.
And they took my computer.
Oh, they did? All right.
They took my computer.
And so it's been very inconvenient.
And I had things on there that I don't want people to see.
OhThings to do with the campaign? And from my accounts? - No, personal things.
- Oh.
Photographs.
And I had a whole Puppies playing? Or Well, I had videos of of people getting tased.
I had Two Girls, One Cup.
I don't know.
Sometimes I save videos.
I- I watch videos late at night.
Yes.
Okay.
Well, I'm sure they won't - Porn.
- do anything as opposed to the other videos you just mentioned.
Did you know that there's an elephant that speaks Korean? That sounds fascinating.
That's what you're concerned is on the computer? - I didn't do anything wrong.
- No, you never do.
You're very good at your job.
I just need some help, in that I need whatever you have.
'Cause I'm sure you handed over everything, but you had backup files or paper files, didn't you? I didn't have any any files.
You didn't? Well, that's stupid.
Well, I don't appreciate you calling me stupid.
I said, "That was stupid.
" Not, "You are stupid.
" There's behavior, and then there's the person.
I think the person's perfectly wonderful.
But the behavior, I think, was less than what a top-level professional accountant would do.
Well, I think that what you did, the way you handled that campaign and the way you threw me under the bus, was unprofessional.
How did I throw you under the bus? You got rid of Robin so that I would be free.
And then, when I asked you to go out with me, you were suddenly unavailable.
I know that I tried to help you, and then you misinterpret the help as a gesture of love, which it's not.
I'm sorry you were humiliated, but that wasn't my intention.
Listen.
You need to take me off your Skype list.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Can you help me? Did you have access to the accounts? Well, of course I had access to the accounts, but I don't anymore.
I There's nothing.
I mean, I There's nothing.
I have no records.
Oh, you really don't.
I really don't have any records Oh, you really don't.
I mean, I remember You remember? The code had, like, a six-five The password for the account, you mean? The password for the account had A six-five, that sounds like the account number, - not the password.
- No, but there was, uh, something like "dixie" or "pixie" or something.
I don't remember.
"Pixie six nine.
" Maybe? Not "six five.
" I think it was "i-x-i-e.
" There was a "six-five.
" An "H" and Mm.
I think a heart.
And you know that smiley-face? You know how they do the thing, uh - Okay.
- That wasn't on there, but a lot of times when Ben would send me something, he would send that little smiley-face.
And so I Just that image came into my head, but that's not a part of the password.
So this is more of a stream of consciousness recollection.
It's an inner thought that I'm just trying to come up with information for you.
Thank you.
Okay.
So you don't have the pass You don't remember the password.
- All right.
- Oh, you're done with me.
Well, okay.
That's fine.
Good, 'cause I'm done with you too.
Then be done with me.
Richard? - Well - What are you doing? - Okay.
- Who's that? - What? - Who is that? I'm I'm married now.
Oh.
Well, good for you, Richard.
I'm in a very, very healthy, happy relationship with somebody who is sweet and nice.
And yet you still have a tremendous amount of emotion with regard to me, okay.
What are you doing up there? I shouldn't be Hold on.
I You I You can't, uh Hold on.
I- I'll be right down.
- Don't you close that door.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not closing the door.
You I can't talk to you.
She sounds very sweet.
Why don't you hang up, then? - Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Fiona.
- So you just have to hang up.
Well, so do you.
You clearly don't want to.
No, you don't want to.
- I just don't want to be rude.
- I'm I don't know what I'm gonna do that's gonna set you off again into some, you know, state of victimhood or how I persecuted you, so I'll let you make the gesture.
If you can't talk to me, then hang up.
- You hang up.
- Okay.
- Hello, Jerome.
- Hello, Dr.
Wallice.
How are you? - I'm well.
How are you? - I'm good, thank you.
- Thank you for asking.
- Okay.
I've had a nice I've had time to think.
And I've had an epiphany.
And I wanted to share it with you.
- Okay.
- You know, as it turns out, I- I did some soul-searching.
And I'm not I'm not a corporate guy.
That's interesting, because you were so enthusiastic and excited about all the money you'd be making from the Google sale.
You're right.
You're right.
I got swept up.
I got swept up in the groundswell.
But when I had time to think about it, I realized that I'm really a more one-on-one, hands-on kind of person.
And so I've decided to come back to Philadelphia.
Well, that's interesting.
Why would you give up this huge windfall? That situation didn't really work out.
At the last minute, a British media company swooped in and bought Net Therapy for double.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, then you're doubly foolish for throwing away double the money, I guess.
Well, it wasn't really my money to throw away.
Dr.
Hodge has decided to go with the British media company, and I wasn't a part of those negotiations.
And that's something that I had to come to terms with.
Really, you didn't have an agreement with Putsy? I did.
It was kind of a verbal thing.
- Oh.
- And and That's not worth anything.
It's not worth the ink that the contract is not written on.
Dr.
Wallice, I thought I knew Putsy in a different way.
I have to say, I have a lot more a lot more empathy for what you've been through.
She's can be quite a bit of a monster, actually.
- Piece of work.
- Yes, yes.
Piece of work with a pot problem.
I know.
Well, yes, I know.
She is self-centered.
She is egotistical.
She only sees things through her stoned eyes.
- You're preaching to the choir.
- Yeah.
- She's a little bit of a bully.
- Yeah.
I find her to be hurtful, rageful, mean, spiteful, nasty.
She can be a real b- i-t-c-h.
- She's a fucking bitch.
- Okay.
Well, now you're talking about my mother, so You're right.
I'm sorry.
With all due respect, I just I feel like, in the end, it wasn't a good fit.
And I-I really miss working with you.
All you really have to do is say "yes.
" I'd really just love to come back and pick up where we left off and Well, this is a problem.
I don't really have room for you, because the space you occupied, - in the basement or the cellar - Yeah.
That's fine.
is now being Well, it's not fine.
It's not fine for me, because I have a lot of wine being stored there.
I have a lot of cleaning equipment - that's being stored there.
- Sure.
Okay.
I got a big carpet cleaner, you know, that Listen, I could work in the little foyer area.
I could work outside the powder room.
You know, you have that little table.
I could work at the kitchen table.
- I need the kitchen table.
- Sure, right.
But I could I don't know that I need an assistant.
I've been doing so well without one.
I wouldn't expect you to be paying me what Putsy was paying me, so I can't even pay you what I was paying you.
- Right.
- I was about to hire an intern.
A paid internship? Someone fresh out of college.
You pay them minimum wage, no benefits.
- Okay.
- Call it part-time somehow.
- Possibly travel? - No.
- Mileage? - No.
- Stipend? - No.
- Lunch money? - No.
- Okay.
- No insurance.
- Okay.
- You know, but it would be nice to have something that resembles my former life back in place.
So that would be nice if you were back, I have to say.
Well, I-I accept.
Hey, you know what would be really fun? What? Name it.
Oh, if you could bring back all of her clients.
What? Well, that would be really fun.
I could treat all of her clients.
She can't help them.
She's horrible.
Right.
But I don't know if I can do that.
- I wouldn't feel right.
- Why not? Well, there's a client-patient confidentiality thing that Yeah, but you can forge her signature, sign a letter to all of them, saying that she's "going out of business," or she's not practicing, and referring everyone to me.
You could do that.
I hear you, I hear you.
But if we could start fresh and maybe leave all this old baggage behind, - and that way I won't feel - Never mind.
If you don't want to work for me, then you don't have to.
Oh, no.
I do.
I absolutely do.
Then do your job and steal those files.
You're right.
You know what? My bad.
I You're right.
I have 'em right here.
I mean Oh, that's convenient.
- Most of them are here - Oh, great.
and I could probably just put them Oh, you know what, Jerome? Also, while you're at it, please get me that horse statue over the mantel.
'Cause I think that would look really good in my place.
- Consider it done.
- Oh, and the urn.
- Oh, the urn too? - Yes, next to that blue shirt.
Do you see the urn on the floor? - Yeah.
Oh, yes.
- On the floor.
On the floor! Hi, Franny.
- Hey.
- Good morning.
That was so much fun last night.
It was very fun to be out on the town with the toast of it, as you are.
Mm, yeah.
I think I might've had a little a little too much toast.
- Oh, you had fun.
- Yes, I did.
You certainly drank.
Yes, I did.
It's what I do.
Is that why you called? Well, just to congratulate you on the wonderful work you did last night.
I guess that writer's block is over.
What? What are What are you talking about? You wrote We left it there on your piano, right? What? Yeah, the songs you wrote.
Wonderful new pieces, I think.
What? Oh.
What what is this? Well, that's the song you wrote.
"Smarts and Beauty"? Oh, that's a fun one.
That's sort of upbeat, it was really fun, yeah.
Smarts and beauty too when you put 'em all together you have smarts and beauty too "In one human being called Fiona"? - What? - Who? And then "who"? that's who - That's who.
- Wait, I don't - This is terrible.
- What? - I didn't write this.
- Yes, you did.
- No.
- And it's not terr not much worse than anything you normally write.
I mean, that's It's very you.
Why would I write these? There's not even the direction of the show.
This is making the character This next song is called "An Extraordinary Woman.
" - That's my favorite.
- Really? Yes, and it's your favorite too.
This is * It's easy to be * extraordinary when you're living among so many unextraordinary women - Well.
- What? I think it's more * It's easy to be * extraordinary when you're livin' That's how you did it last night, anyway.
- Don't sing.
- What? - Don't sing.
- I have a lovely voice.
Uh, I'm not sure I mean, these lyrics, they're repetitive.
The melodies are terrible.
I didn't I don't Are you sure Did I write these? Yes, you were very pleased with them.
Some of your best work, you said.
I thought I only had, like, three or four double Lagavulin scotches.
- No.
- I couldn't have blacked out.
Well, then you asked me to mix you a couple of drinks, and so I did.
Oh, my God.
Was I that loaded Well, I don't know.
that I would write Yes.
Something about "Let's Redefine 'Brave' and Call It 'Fiona,'" That's a beautiful song, I thought.
Any diva would kill to sing that one.
Well, you know, "Let's Redefine 'Brave' - and Call It 'Fiona.
'" - Yeah.
That was a really touching one, I thought.
You know, there is something to that.
You see? Yes, we discussed how Why would you want to write songs that vilify a very strong woman? You really seemed to connect with that.
Gosh, I guess I do sort of owe it to the sisters to really step up for women.
- Right.
- Oh, my God.
Well, you said you identified, you so identified No, no.
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, I think I'm having a What is it? A catharsis? Is that what they're called? - I don't know.
- I think I'm having one, because do you know that I think this entire time I have been writing all of these vicious songs, not about you, but about Franny.
- Self-hate.
- Self-loathing.
Well, it's very sad that you'd want to tear yourself down like that when you're a very strong woman.
I am.
I mean, look at me.
I'm such a creative entity.
I just Great.
So you are remembering last night.
Oh, God, yes, it's all coming back to me.
I Oh, my God.
Why would I drag myself through the mire in this way? It's so demeaning.
It's demeaning to me and to women in general.
Yes.
Let's not drag anyone through the mire - No.
- Or the muck.
No, that's hateful.
It's hateful.
That's true.
I think these songs could be saved.
They just need a few tweaks, like a different melody and different lyrics.
- Oh.
- But other than that, I think that there's really some possibility here.
Well, you seemed happy with them last night.
- I like the titles.
- The titles are - Yeah.
- Yeah, they're very clever.
So bravo to you.
- I did it.
- Yeah, you did it! I did it! - They're all yours.
- Writer's block, begone.
Oh, I'm glad you're so clear this morning.
Oh, my God.
This is exciting.
And I have this feeling I just have a feeling, you know, When you're coming from the right place, morally - Yes.
- I think that things tend to work out just the way they're supposed to.
And I think I'm gonna walk in there tomorrow morning, spit spot, and I am going to present these titles, and they are going to love them.
Or not.
And if they don't, you can leave.
And then they have no musical.
- Then they have no musical.
- Right? That's very empowering.
- It's very empowering.
- That's very empowering.
Well, tell them the strongest F-word in the language is "Fiona.
" I think that was the best.
Don't lose that lyric.
- No.
- Okay.
"The Strongest F-word in the English Language is 'Fiona.
'" That's That's beautiful Or "Franny.
" Right.
Now you're having feelings.
I'm really having some feelings now.
My creativity has been unleashed, and my emotions are flooding forward as well.
- Okay.
- All right, I have to go.
I need to start writing more titles.
- Okay.
All right.
- Where's my pencil? I think it fell out of your hair.
Oh, here it is.
It's my lucky pencil.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Whew.
- Well, good luck to you.
- This is freeing.
- Oh, good.
All right.
Smarts and beauty too smarts and beauty too I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful I'm beautiful and everybody says so too I- I thought we hung up.
Oh.
I Okay.
Good-bye.
Fiona? I see you.
I see you.
I see you.
- You didn't hit a button.
- I did.
You're pretending.
All right, I'll hear from you soon.
Oh, you're gonna work now, I guess.
Okay.
It's easy for me to be an extraordinary woman Is that the not-nice? What are you queefing about now? I know what that word is.
- Well - That's what you said.
Is that not what you