What If...? (2021) s03e02 Episode Script

1
[The Watcher] In the beginning,
before the Six Singularities
and the dawn of creation,
came the Celestials.
[speaking Latin]
Now, with the power of the Eternal
Guardians flowing through me,
let the power of creation
bring forth my rebirth!
[grunts]
My rebirth! My rebirth!
Okay, well, that's
not working. Howard?
And cut!
Okay, let's reset. We'll
do it one more time.
[man] In this universe, Agatha
Harkness' quest for power led her
to discover the Celestial
growing deep within the Earth.
Looking to take its
cosmic energy for herself,
she set out to design a
spell to siphon its power.
But pulling off a ritual of that scale
would require an equally big production.
So, she turned to a blossoming
industry that had built its reputation
financing the big dreams
of even bigger egos.
Hollywood.
Where upstart mogul, Howard
Stark, was happy to foot the bill.
Agatha, darling, those in-camera effects,
I still don't know how you do it!
Just a little bit
of "movie magic."
But it's not working. This
spell is just not working!
In the scene, that is. We
may need to, uh, re-stage.
Fantastic! That's
lunch, everyone.
Now, where's my
AD? Jarvis? Jarvis!
Don't tell me. Not
more new pages.
We have already re-shot the
Third Act set piece five times.
And we'll shoot it a hundred
more, if that's what it takes!
To add what? Another
mind-numbing action spectacle?
Big fights? Bigger explosions?
I think we've seen it.
- You know, you're right.
- I am?
- He is?
- We need to expand this picture
to give it that
oomph I'm missing.
We need more star power.
- A co-star!
- How can I steal the show
when there's no one
to steal it from.
Of course! The Capulets had the
Montagues. The Hatfields, the McCoys.
My auntie had the recluse
in the apartment upstairs.
You need a foil! A perfectly
placed grain of salt
to complement the seasonings
simmering in the pan!
Anything but more actors.
I can see it now. Our Cosmic Queen is
sitting on a hand no one else can beat.
That is, until a mysterious
new player blows into town,
hot on her lofty ambitions.
Yes, yes. Do they fight?
Do they fall in love?
No, they'll dance. With dozens
of backup dancers on each side.
And we'll lift the lighting rig so
the sets can be three times as tall.
- Yes!
- Wait. No. No, no.
Jarvis! It's about time you
caught the creative bug.
- I wasn't
- That is just genius.
- It's a disaster.
- Who we thinking?
Bogie? Gable? Cary Grant
does owe me a favor.
No, no, there's only one actor on
Earth who can complete our picture.
I thought I could do it
without him, but now I see.
I need him.
Kingo.
[The Watcher] Time.
Space.
Reality.
It's more than a linear path.
It's a prism of
endless possibility.
Where a single choice can branch
out into infinite realities,
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
I am the Watcher.
I am your guide through
these vast new realities.
Follow me and ponder
the question
"What if?"
[Jarvis] Mr. Kingo.
I'm Edwin Jarvis, Mr. Stark's
personal butler and second AD.
Welcome to Stark Pictures.
[Kingo] Wow!
And I thought we did things
over-the-top in Bollywood.
I've always been partial to
the axiom that "less is more."
But for Mr. Stark
More is just the opening offer.
Kingo, it's an honor
to have you onboard.
Now, this number we've put together
is off the charts. Literally.
I've got enough dancers in there
to light up a Richter scale.
You ready to cross steps
with our leading lady?
Howard, something tells me this
is a part I was born to play.
[Howard laughs] The lights
are hot, cameras loaded,
and safeties removed from
all our pyrotechnics!
What? I'm sorry, what?
Is there anything else you need?
- I'm more than ready.
- What about the choreography?
- Was it up to snuff?
- Yes. The moves are great,
but I assume there's room
for a little improvisation?
Absolutely! Absolutely! Kingo,
I'll be honest with you.
This one's gonna be a
doozy. A real barn burner.
The biggest scene ever
captured on celluloid.
Don't worry, Howard.
I've been preparing for our
showdown for quite some time.
Okay, people! This is it.
Our big musical number.
- I want glitz. I want glamour.
- [indistinct chatter]
I want emotion!
I want commotion!
I want you to wow me
with your razzle-dazzle.
I want Busby Berkeley to see this
and contemplate becoming a realtor!
[man] Quiet on set!
- [alarm ringing]
- [Howard] Lights!
Camera!
[man] TR 62, take one.
And
action!
[gongs sounding]
[door opens]
[Bollywood song playing]
[music fades]
[jive music playing]
The challenge has been made. Will
our Cosmic Queen heed the call?
Move in, Camera A.
She answers!
There she is.
There he is.
It's all led up to this.
The final Eternal champion
arrives at the zero hour,
in a last, desperate bid to
stay the queen's cosmic hand!
[jive music continues]
[shoes tapping in unison]
[Bollywood music playing]
[jive music playing]
[Bollywood music playing]
[jive music playing]
[Bollywood music playing]
[jive music playing]
[Howard] Will she defeat
him? Will he defeat her?
Will they dance?
They will!
You're the missing piece I've
been waiting lifetimes for.
Oh, I know. But I'm here
to put your vanity project
into turnaround.
So, you "know" know. [chuckles]
And you still had the
stones to show up.
Someone needs to stop you.
Oh, honey, I'm just out
here making blockbusters.
You and the Eternals are the
ones who wanna destroy the world.
You have no idea what
forces you're meddling with.
Right back at ya.
A little advice, one
hoofer to another.
In this town?
Never mess with Number
One on the Call Sheet.
Okay, Kingo. Make
this look good!
Hot dog! That was
out of this world!
[jive music ramps up]
[pants] Okay. Show's over.
Time to break out the big guns.
[pulsing, explosion]
Oh, that's not in the script.
Is that in the script?
Are these blue pages?
Shush, Jarvis! It's
great! Keep shooting!
Uh, I'm sorry. Your powers
are "finger pistols"?
Okay. No.
I fire energy. Projections.
Ah, right. From your
fingers. Pew! Pew! [chuckles]
Okay. No Stop with
your hands. Stop!
Listen, these powers are cool.
A lot of people think
these powers are very cool.
- [laughs]
- [shield whirring]
What? Those powers are Thena's!
And Makkari's and Gilgamesh's
and everyone else's.
[pulsing]
- Oh!
- Yes!
- [fire roars]
- Ah!
Yes!
Ow!
Whoa!
Oh!
[Kingo groans]
[music fades, stops]
[Howard] And cut!
[bell ringing]
Wowza! That chemistry was
hotter than the Hindenburg!
I really believed you two
wanted to kill each other.
Oh! [chuckles] No, no,
no. We're just acting.
Totally just acting.
Both of us just acting
so hard right now.
Oh, really? I'd say one of us
is acting really bad right now.
This calls for a celebration!
After-party! My place!
- Jarvis, give 'em the deets.
- Fine.
Top of the hill, everybody. Just
above the Hollywoodland sign.
It's the house that will make you
question the decency of capitalism.
[door rumbles]
If you mean to kill
me, be forewarned.
I know several heart-wrenching,
dying monologues,
and I will regale you with them.
Oh, Kingo. You've pegged me as
the villain of this picture,
but you've got it all wrong.
I'm the hero.
You killed my friends,
stole their powers.
Relax. I didn't kill anyone.
I "borrowed" their powers.
I assure you, your friends are
all safe and sound in storage.
The backlot has a creature shop.
They blend right in. [chuckles]
Agatha, release them.
Swear on the Oscar I
plan to win, I will.
Once I have saved my world
from that Third Act surprise you've
got brewing in the center of the Earth.
But
[sighs] And this
is the hard part.
I can't do it
without you, Kingo.
I need your energy to complete my spell,
to save everything I know and love.
Arishem made me the
new Prime Eternal.
I need to protect Tiamut
and the billions of lives
his Emergence will create.
Sorry, scout, but I
can see you reaching.
There's no way
Arishem won you over
with some golden ball and top
billing on a doomed planet.
You aren't like
the other Eternals.
And what makes you say that?
Because you haven't just
lived among humanity,
you have lived as them.
Oh!
[Agatha] Seeing the beauty,
telling their stories
showing them who they really
are as only an actor can.
Oh, that is true.
Acting is the most noble
profession on Earth.
But do you really expect
me to betray Arishem?
Forsake a mission I've
dedicated eons to?
Never going to happen.
- Never.
- I can get Howard to offer you
- a three-picture deal.
- Okay, I'll do it.
Oh. I guess I should've
led with that.
But I'm gonna need full
green light approval,
and my own shingle on the lot.
Ooh. Plus, I've been looking to
transition into indulgent, art house fair.
You know, no plot.
Abrupt, arbitrary cuts. Cut!
Me staring into camera with
no expression on my face.
That last one sounds
like a nightmare.
But for the literal sake of the
world, I guess I'll allow it.
And you have to bring
back my friends.
Very well. Let's get
this show on the road.
[crackling]
[Arishem] Did you think I
would not see your failure?
You have chosen your side.
And now, you will die on it.
[exhales sharply]
Arishem is coming.
It would take the power of
another Celestial to stop him.
Another Celestial.
[laughs]
Fasten your seat belt, honey.
It's time for my makeover.
- [jive music playing]
- [indistinct shouting]
[Howard] Jarvis, this night's
shaping up to be an instant classic.
Yes. I suppose if the relevant
metric is "property damage."
Howard! Hi. You're still
conscious. Can we chat?
Aggie! Kingo! About time!
Jarvis, bust out the grappa!
Sorry, Howard. No
time for digestifs.
Still, maybe pour
it anyway, though.
We had a bout of
creative inspiration.
Is that some kinda euphemism?
Are you two a thing now?
- Sorry. Not my type.
- Sorry. Not my type.
But we do have chemistry.
And with Kingo's help, we've finally
cracked the Third Act set piece.
Amazing! I'll check out
the pages first thing
No, no, no. We can't risk
sitting on these creative juices.
We gotta shoot this finale
- Now!
- Right now!
Impossible. When Ms. Harkness
opted to rewrite the Third Act,
for the sixth time, I might
add, we broke down the sets.
"Broke down the" What
are you talking about?
Ugh, damn it!
You've no idea how many runes I
had to paint by hand on those sets.
Come on. Think, think, think.
There's gotta be a cursed swamp, a
haunted house, something we can use.
Bingo, baby!
Griffith Observatory.
It should be big enough
for all the runes.
We can shoot the finale there!
And with what dark magic do you expect
me to pull permits at this hour?
For that kind of production
value, I'll buy the joint.
Load up the limo, Jarvis!
We're doin' a company move!
Actually, let's take our ride.
Oh, my
An alien spaceship.
I gotta hand it to you,
Aggie. You had me fooled.
- I thought you were a witch.
- Yes.
- But he's the space alien.
- Wait. What?
Technically, I'm more
of a space robot.
- You are?
- [laughs]
Howard, you knew?
You knew?
I'm Howard Stark!
I'm the smartest person on
Earth. Of course, I knew.
I also knew I'd save a
hell of a lot of money
on special effects
using actual magic.
Look, everyone in this town has a
secret. It's what makes it interesting.
So, whatever's about to go down, I'm
here for you. Just let me film it.
But once we save the day, I
want a look under your hood.
I am sensing major
patent potential.
Okay, y'all. Let's do it.
Okay. We've got five cameras
set up for maximum coverage.
"A" Camera's gonna
be trained on Agatha.
Um, I think you're gonna wanna swap
out the lens for something wider.
Jarvis!
[Agatha sighs] Jarvis.
Jarvis, please.
The line needs to
be more confident.
This also needs a little touch-up,
okay? Lean into the room's energy.
If you'll forgive
me, Ms. Harkness.
We didn't do a lot of occult
rituals when I trained at Balmoral.
Hey, sassy, I suggested we
bring in the set dec team,
but you said we couldn't
afford the overages.
So, now we're here
with your lame energy.
Aggie?
Is that part of the opening act?
[grunting]
Arishem.
Okay. Then, places,
people! It's showtime.
[speaking Latin]
[enchanting pinging]
Not gonna lie, getting some
ritual sacrifice vibes here.
You look great. Chin
up! Chin up! That's it.
And start making
space for that Oscar.
From the stars in the sky
to the depths of the Earth.
Let the power of creation
bring forth my rebirth!
[rumbling]
[screams]
[screams]
[pants]
Finally, your
power will be mine!
[rumbling]
[explosion]
[screaming]
[gasps] Should we be concerned?
We'll be legends!
[strains, grunts]
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
[both scream]
[crowd gasping]
Oh, she is beautiful.
Are you getting this?
This is the greatest
footage ever shot!
This is gold!
This power, it's everything.
- [loud rumbling]
- [gasps]
[crowd gasping]
It's him. He's here.
[Arishem] It must feel strange
for such a primitive being
to suddenly possess
a power so cosmic.
Oh, honey, cosmic is just my size.
Haven't you seen the marquee?
I'm a star.
You are a heretic,
Agatha Harkness.
And you will be judged as such.
Oh, yeah? Judge this. Boom!
[Agatha grunts]
Oh, boy! Cecil B. DeMille's gonna
be pissed when he sees this footage.
Film it! Film it!
I'm filming it! I'm
filming it! I'm filming it!
Howard, something tells me she's
got the whole world watching.
Hah!
[Arishem grunts]
Yes!
Your vanity blinds you.
[groans]
[grunts]
- Oh!
- No!
A Celestial creates life.
It does not glorify
its own existence.
When will you see?
You will always be too
human to wield such power.
Oh, that's cute.
You think I missed?
Truth is, I was just getting
you to hit your mark.
What? How did you?
It's called acting, love.
And I'm afraid you are the next
character I'm gonna become.
[Arishem screams]
[screams]
[crowd gasps]
Humdinger. That's a showstopper.
Eddie, tell me
you were in focus.
Yes, I think we've got it.
[Howard laughs] The angles!
Performance of a
lifetime, Agatha.
I think that's a wrap.
Oh, Kingo. The
show's not over yet.
Agatha, what are you doing?
With this power? Anything
I damn well please.
But I thought
That I wanted to save the world
from the Emergence? Please.
I played the reluctant hero for a
hot minute to get what I needed.
- You.
- [gasps]
Now,
kneel before me.
- Yes, my queen.
- Oh, yes!
Savin' the big twist
for the Third Act reel!
[Kingo] Howard,
take it seriously.
With her magic and now the
power of two Celestials,
she can destroy the whole world
and remake it however she wants.
Surely, you've worked with
difficult actors before.
Must be a way to
get through to her.
I mean, all actors
are difficult.
We're all sensitive 'cause we're
opening up our souls, so the
Jarvis, you're a genius.
Agatha, stop.
I would have thought
you'd have realized by now
I'm not an actress who
likes to take direction!
Now, kneel before me.
This isn't you.
You don't know me.
[Kingo] Of course, I do.
Because you're just like me,
and everyone else who
came to this stupid town.
At some point, somewhere in our
lives, the world made us feel small,
so we set out to show them.
But, Agatha, you never
needed all this power.
Because you've always had the only
magic you'd ever really needed
to leave your mark on the world.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And what magic is that?
[Kingo] The movies.
The movies are magic, Agatha.
Hell, they're better than magic.
Because they change the
world by changing people.
By making them feel
something real.
And with that kind of power,
you don't have to be feared.
Because you can be adored.
[sentimental music playing]
You can't possibly understand
how long I've worked for this.
Well, I've been on Earth for
thousands of years, so I kinda do.
And if you're anything like
me, maybe all this time,
you've just been looking
for the right collaborator.
So, what do you say?
Wanna change the
world? For real?
[reporter] Reporting
live from Hollywood,
where there's more stars on the red
carpet than there are in the sky.
[woman] Over here. One more!
[man] Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! The
trades are predicting a blockbuster.
What will it mean
for your weapons biz?
Wars, my friend, are a thing of
the past. Cinema is the future.
[indistinct shouting,
cameras flashing]
Kingo and I, we
wanted to make a movie
that would, well
change the world.
And I think we did.
- Some sparks flew, that's for sure.
- [laughs heartily]
Now, just wait for the sequel.
- [man] Hey, Kingo!
- [woman] Agatha!
That sequel could come
sooner than you think.
Since you revived them,
Ajak and the other Eternals
are pretty concerned
that killing Arishem has probably
drawn the Celestials' attention.
Hah! Too bad for them.
We thrive on attention.
[chuckles nervously]
Yeah, but this is the
bad kind of attention.
Oh, darling, we can save
that for the sequel.
[chuckles softly]
Oh, my God! It
looks so gorgeous!
This is so beautiful!
[The Watcher] Everyone
has a story worth telling.
Even two lost souls
on the wrong path.
But sometimes, all it takes
is a trip to the movies
to remind you that
anything is possible.
Even a happy ending.
Then again, who doesn't
love a cliffhanger?
[upbeat jazz music playing]
[music continues]
[Howard] And cut!