What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

1
So,
today is our first day on the job
as leaders of the Vampiric Council.
Nadja and I have agreed
to work together as a team.
For now, I am letting Nandor
think that we are "sharing power."
But there can only
be one Supreme Leader,
and I will do whatever it takes.
That is how you are the only one
that survives out of 17 children.
I admire Nadja's decisiveness
and how loud she is.
But I am the more experienced leader.
Eventually, I will
make her my number two.
So you're saying you
you need to make a number two?
Indeed. Not right now but soon.
It's not something you should force.
But you're saying it's important
to have a really good number two.
Yes.
There's nothing funny
about a firm number two.
What was the plan again?
The plan is that I
Nandor The Relentless
will sit on my throne
and make a number two.
Okay, get out.
Now, down here we have
the medium security cells
and the various abattoirs.
Be sure to reserve your
spot on the sign-in sheet
'cause the abattoirs get crazy busy.
Okay, now, over here
we have the break room.
Now, make sure that
you label your snacks
because we throw
everything out every Friday.
- Oh!
- Oh! Yummy, yummy.
And behind this door
the Chamber of Curiosities.
The treasures of many
generations of vampires
gathered from around the
world and collected here.
Ageless, timeless, marvelous artifacts.
But be warned:
some of this stuff is
inordinately powerful
and not to be monkeyed about with!
- Don't fuck with that!
- Colin Robinson.
- What a Charlie.
- But some of it is just for fun.
Does this look familiar?
No. What is it?
Oh, only Van Helsing's dick.
Come on, Guillermo.
Not everyone is lucky enough
to hold their great-great-great-
great-grandfather's penis
- in their hands.
- Hmm.
I know I certainly would have liked to.
What the hell was that?
Let us hush our voices, all right?
We don't want to rile him.
Behind this door is the
living quarters of The Sire.
- The actual Sire?
- The Sire?
- The one and only.
- Who-who's The Sire?
The Sire is the oldest
living vampire in the world.
He's the vampire from which all
other vampires have descended.
All of them.
Do not ever open this door.
Peekaboo.
As I was saying,
- Do not ever open
- Open the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.
Ooh. What is this?
Don't monkey about with that!
- This is the Cloak of Duplication.
- The what?
Everyone, you might want to see this.
It's pretty cool.
- I'll show you.
- Duplication?
Observe.
Boop.
- See? Crazy, right?
- Good Lord.
Amazing.
A magical cloak that makes the wearer
instantly much more good-looking.
That is a matter of opinion.
I am kidding.
I get the principle that it makes
someone look like someone else.
Very good.
- Oh, it's you again.
- But no one should touch it.
Even I, full-time staff,
should not be monkeying about with it.
And over here is the familiars' room.
You can store him here
until the end of the workday.
Scoot, scoot.
He's not actually a familiar.
- He is our bodyguard.
- Bodyguard.
We cannot allow a human
to wander free here.
Unless you are making him a vampire.
- Not a chance. Absolutely not.
- No, absolutely not. No.
- That was a really quick answer.
- Sorry, Guillermo.
There's nothing we can do.
Scoot, scoot.
And the door stays open, I'm assum
- Hey. What?
- Buh-bye.
I feel much better about that.
- Hell's bells.
- Shit.
My giddy aunt.
To the scholar of the printed
page, this place is Valhalla.
And what I'd dismissed
as rumor is actually true,
for this Vampiric
Council holds the world's
oldest and largest
collection of pornography.
The Knobnomicon.
Everything a chap and chapess
would need to know about fellatio.
What else have we got?
Gutenberg's oh, yes Vaginaria.
That's an original.
Oh, this is, uh, Tocqueville's
Lusty Discharge Pamphlet,
with discharge on it, by the feel of it.
Egypt's Longest Penises.
Roy Cohn, Esquire's 169 Sex Positions.
Bet you didn't know that existed.
What's this?
Aristotle's Book of Poetics Two.
Is that code?
No.
Hey, I found them!
- The archives.
- Okay.
This year, I am turning 100 years old.
It's kind of got me
in a reflective mood.
Everything you want
to know about vampires
and vampire lineage, it's right here.
There's so much I want to know.
Where do I come from?
How did I become an energy vampire?
Was I turned,
or in the words of Stefani Germanotta,
was I born this way?
I said to myself, "Colin,"
I says. I says,
"Before you turn 100 years old,
you are going to find out who you are
and where you come from."
Uh, I says.
The deets have got to be in here.
I mean, this is
a climate-controlled fortress,
built to preserve
documents, for all eternity.
So it's
What-what are you doing?
Why are you ripping that
page out of that book?
I'll wank my way, and you wank yours.
Oh, wow. It's really dusty in here.
Time for your official
council vestments, eh?
Hey, easy there.
It's a robe.
- Why do you need my inseam?
- He's a 44 long!
You'll probably have to
take it in at the waist
and out in the shoulders.
Hey, get out of the vent!
Tell your familiar to
get out of the vent.
He's not a familiar. He's a bodyguard.
Get out of the vent, Guillermo!
He's a rascal.
Get out of the vent.
Go back into your room.
Little rascal.
All right, your alterations
will be ready momentarily.
- Great.
- Until then, you may peruse our collection of oddities
while I deal with the
water and power company
about some discrepancies
in our latest bill.
I was wondering if I
could talk to you about
The moment I saw the
Cloak of Duplication
I knew it was the answer
to my romantic difficulties.
You see, I've been struggling
with my girlfriend, Meg.
She is not actually my girlfriend yet.
Meg works at Massive Fitness,
a 24-hour gymnasium I used to attend.
Back when I was commanding an army,
the soldiers and I would strip naked
and challenge each other
to various feats of
endurance and strength.
The men at Massive
Fitness 24-hour gymnasium,
they're not really
interested in any of that.
Don't seem to notice each other much,
or admire each other's bodies.
- Oops.
- The best thing about
Massive Fitness 24-hour gymnasium
is the connection I have with Meg.
She has shown me much kindness.
Unfortunately, we have not yet
taken things to the next level.
You're funny.
Thank you for that compliment.
And for the towel.
I love your accent. Is it French?
No.
No, it is not.
I have never been very good
at talking to modern women.
But fortunately, I know
someone who can help.
Laszlo.
- Laszlo.
- Ah, yeah!
What do you want?
I have purloined the
Cloak of Duplication.
Laszlo is a real ladies' man.
He always knows how to talk to women.
What? So hang on a second.
You want me to put that on,
- Mm.
- turn into you,
- Mm-hmm.
- pull this young lady called Meg.
- Yes, Meg.
- Make love to her six ways till Chelsea.
Come back here. High fives all 'round.
No, no, no, just the first bit is fine.
And then I'll take care of
the rest. I'll leave it here.
Nandor wants you to put that on,
turn into him, pull
this woman called Meg,
and then come back.
I'd go myself, but
I can't be fucked.
I've often fancied myself
quite the seducer, obviously.
There's a technique called
"negging" that I'm eager to try.
I'd explain it to you, but you're
probably too naive to understand it.
How do I look?
Never mind, your opinion doesn't matter.
And now you're horny because
you just got negged again.
I can't see dick.
That's better. Watch and learn.
Oh, hey, Nandor.
I haven't seen you in a while.
Hey, dipshit.
Excuse me?
Uh, there used to be a
hot chick who worked here.
Meg, I think?
I'm Meg.
You were hotter.
What the fuck is your problem?
Okay, calm down, toots.
So sensitive.
Let me cut to the chizzle:
Life didn't turn out
the way you planned.
You're a fading beauty
working nights at the gym.
You've probably had
a string of boyfriends
who promised you the world, and then
delivered it on a four-inch penis.
Well, here's your chance.
You can leave with me right now,
or watch these hot buns
walk out the door forever.
Hang on. Let me just get my stuff.
Okay, you do that.
Just wait right here.
These buns will be waiting for you.
- Great.
- Did you see that?
My brain in this package, that
poor kid never stood a chance.
- Hey, buddy. We got a problem here?
- Hello.
- Hey. No problem, buddy.
- Get these fucking cameras out of my face.
- Let's go. Get out, man.
- You should, uh, we we should skedaddle.
- Fuck off.
- Let's skedaddle here.
Shit.
Didn't see that coming.
- Ooh!
- Well, that was a complete waste of time.
- She's clearly not into guys.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Should I give it a go?
You can try.
I mean, she's not into studs,
so maybe you'll have better luck.
Colin Robinson,
we are going to Queens.
A rogue vampire group
hasn't paid their dues,
and we need you to take notes.
I wanted to say it!
We are visiting a rogue
vampire cell in Queens.
They will taste our
wrath and quickly submit.
I am prepared to escalate
matters to crazy levels.
It's more of a courtesy call.
I get to knock.
Yo.
Finally, virgins
- Wes Blankenship?
- Yes.
- Greetings, I am Nandor.
- You have ignored all attempts at communication.
- This is Nadja,
- Bend the knee or I will
- and he is Colin Robinson.
- unleash Colin Robinson.
Wassup?
We are your new Vampiric Council.
We have not heard from you in a while,
so we thought we'd pop
by and see if all is well.
All right, just come on in.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I always wanted to do this:
My name is Wes Blankenship
and welcome to my crib!
Let's go, baby!
Hope you don't mind if
I take notes in here.
No, no. You are not allowed here.
She's angry, as women so often are.
Please, good lady.
I know I came here earlier,
but whatever I said
and I don't remember I wasn't myself.
Well, you started by
calling me dipshit, so
Proof of naught but mine own delirium.
You, my darling, have the high, firm ass
- of an Irish Derby winner.
- Okay, um
Okay, I've gone a little
bit too fast too soon,
but hear me out.
Truth is, I came here to pitch woo
but was so nervous,
I took a calming physic
to settle my nerves.
That drug turned me
into a fucking monster.
Shit, was it Klonopin?
Indeed. That one.
Yeah, you know, I can't
take it anymore myself.
Oh. We are very much alike, then.
Could I sing you something?
Oh, God, uh, I-I guess.
I see your picture ♪
Name in lights above it ♪
This is your big debut ♪
A dream come true ♪
And when you smile for the camera ♪
I know they're going to love it. ♪
- Meg.
- Uh Wow.
That's very embarrassing.
- You know, I'm I'm at work, so
- Say no more.
May I show you something?
I feel like you're going to anyway.
Some of the most licentious
and transgressive pornography
I've ever clapped eyes on.
- Chris!
- Fuck.
You will remember nothing.
Unhand me, you bloody peasant.
How does Nandor get this
fucking ape body to work?
Okay.
You're officially banned, you pervert.
Just fuck off.
You fuck off, you bald prick.
Fucking swear at me.
So, look, the reason why you
guys haven't heard from us is
because, well, this clan,
we rejects the authority
of the Vampiric Council.
Uh, hey, slow down there, puck.
I have you at, "Welcome to my crib "
So, we've set up our own governing body.
Yeah. We're called The
Council Of Vampires.
Maybe you guys would like to join us.
There is only one Vampiric Council,
and you will either bend the
knee or face the consequences.
Yes, that's
Typical hierarchical mindset cope.
- Don't you point at me!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Wes, you seem like a
very reasonable vampire.
- We are also reasonable vampires.
- I'm not.
Let's talk about this.
Uh, hold on. A Ash, can
you, can you get that please?
Why do I have to do
it? I count one, two
- Because I'm talking to the old people. The elderly.
- Yeah, okay.
Do I have "secretary"
written on my forehead?
They're gonna forget
who they're talking to.
- Okay, but I'm not getting it.
- All right, fine.
I'll get it.
You guys, please excuse me for a sec.
- Should I write down their bickering?
- Write it all down.
We're taking notes. What are you doing?
It is called diplomacy.
Licking their assholes, more like.
Oh, shit.
Mr. Robinson?
Dave Lewis, energy vampire.
I'm-I'm a huge fan.
Well, thank you, a fellow borer.
- Do you bore a lot?
- All the time.
Say hello to my little friend.
Are you sure you have
the right Colin Robinson?
Holy shit.
Don't touch that book, Gizmo.
It's too much for your young cock.
Sorry. I know I'm not
supposed to be in here.
Just watch yourself.
Otherwise, it'll be suicide by porno.
Is that the Cloak of Duplication?
I thought we weren't
supposed to touch that.
- Who gives a shit?
- Well, can I can I touch it?
Actually, if you want
to do Nandor a favor,
you could put that on,
head down to Massive Fitness
and get a date with a
receptionist called Meg.
I tried my luck, but she's
clearly not into guys.
I hypnotized her, so you'll
start from a clean slate.
Oh, wow. Wow.
Laszlo, look.
I look just like Nandor.
Yeah, uncanny. Bugger off.
Ah, this is awesome.
I can fly.
Bat! I-I can't fly.
So, what kind of drains
- are you pulling here?
- Mostly weed-related stuff.
Indica v. sativa, legalization rules,
CBD, edibles, shatter
- I could go on and I do.
- Geez.
Definitely keeping me fat and happy.
I'm also kind of a sneakerhead
and I just bought a camera drone.
- People hate it.
- I bet.
Let me, uh, ask you a
question, Dave Lewis.
Do you ever wonder where we come from?
You know, energy vampires?
Boy, it never even occurred to me.
Uh, no idea, you know?
Holy shit.
Are you draining me, bro?
- No.
- You're getting me, I think.
- No, I I wouldn't do that to you.
- Yeah.
It seems like you guys are listening,
but you're not really hearing.
We are. We are listening
to everything, aren't we?
We are not interested
in blindly supporting
a self-appointed soviet
given to arbitrary judgments
based on mumbo jumbo
and interpretive dance.
Wha That's not exactly how it works.
We are definitely cutting back
on the ritualistic dancing.
Ha! Like hell we are.
- Shh.
- We can discuss this later.
The Council provides a
lot of important services.
- Mm, like what?
- Like how about it's none of your fucking business!
You guys really do not seem
qualified to be running shit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
"You guys don't seem
qualified to be running "
- Don't write that down.
- I'm sorry, what shit are you qualified to run?
I have a master's
degree in urban planning.
- Could I speak to you in the kitchenette for a moment?
- Yeah.
Erase that last bit.
I didn't know he had a master's degree.
What are we going to do?
Eh.
Okay.
You know,
I feel like you used to
come around all the time.
- How come I don't see you anymore?
- Oh, um
Work, mostly.
It's been real busy at the moment,
and I feel kind of bad
because, you know, my-my best friend,
he actually got me this gym membership,
and I don't really use it, so
Uh, he's called Guillermo, by the way.
But, I mean, he's always
doing things like that for me,
and I just kind of take it for granted.
So, you know, that's what I do.
Well, Nandor, that's terrible.
He-he's not gonna want
to stay friends with you.
No, he will.
But it's-it's kind of awkward
because we work together.
But if you feel a
certain way about someone,
and you've got something
weighing on your heart, then
Okay.
- This guy must be really special.
- He is. Very.
Let's talk about you. How are you?
No, I-I think that
you should take him out
one day after work and
tell him how you feel.
It could be he has
feelings for you, too.
Feelings, no, that's
We're just work friends, so that's
Got to go.
Sorry.
He's being openly
defiant. He needs to go.
You know I can hear you, right?
- Vampire hearing.
- Yeah, I'm okay with that.
We are clearly outnumbered here, yes?
I suggest we retreat,
regroup and strategize.
- Fine.
- Yes!
It has been so wonderful
to meet you, Wes.
- Genuinely.
- Yeah.
You have given us so much to
Hey Shit.
Saw that coming.
Oh, shit.
Oh, look at that.
Council dues are due on the
first full moon of every month.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Any questions?
- Didn't think so.
Respect your elders.
Colin Robinson, get my cape.
- Got it.
- How's that for an old lady?
Hey, you take care now, Dave.
I'm going to see my sweet Meg,
knowing that Laszlo
and his silver tongue
have laid a foundation for me
has given me a new confidence.
Hey, back again.
- My lucky night.
- Yes.
I know I was here earlier.
You made me laugh very much,
when we talked about, uh
The guy who works for you, Guillermo?
- Really?
- You seem really into him.
That's really what
we were talking about?
It's just that, uh
How should I put this?
Meg, it is you who are
the person that I am into.
I believe that you are
the love of my life.
I believe that we should
be together forever.
You know I'm not into guys, right?
I-I like women.
So do I.
You like men and women. That's okay.
Yes, and you like women and men?
No, just women. I'm a lesbian.
- Are you sure?
- Definitely sure.
You will remember nothing.
- Fuck.
- Fuckface.
I thought I told you to
never show your face
Oops.
Fucking guy.
Are you okay?
- Open.
- Hey, Nadja.
I have just commenced my slumber.
What happened in Queens tonight
can never, ever happen again.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
Has living in America made
you into a big, wet pussy?
I think I've just been going
through some things lately.
Do you ever wonder that maybe
there is more to this life
than just mindless
killing and bloodlust?
- Yeah.
- You do?
No! Of course not!
That is because you have
Laszlo to share your life with!
Oh!
You have turned into
a very, very soft boy.
How about you slumber on that?
- Good night!
- Hey!
Hmm.
What is it now?
- Pussy!
- Go away!
You are a scared little soft boy.
Speaking of soft, I'm
squeezing your pipi right now.
How do you like that?
Get your hands off my pipi!
It is like a piece
of extra meat dangling
- off the end of my body.
- Get your hands off it!
Laszlo, you know that thing
you always wanted to try?
Fucking guy.