You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e02 Episode Script

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out, on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Oh, Ivy, that tray's for the guest room, the one with two cups on.
- It's for Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Now, that's for Miss Cissy, and that's for Miss Poppy I can't see them drinking it.
Must've been four o'cIock when they first got in.
Banging car doors, and Iaughing something awfuI, it woke me up.
How much Ionger is Sir RaIph going to stay? WeII, the doctor said three days at Ieast.
He thinks it might be his heart.
It was reaIIy nice of Lady Agatha to come and stay so she couId Iook after him, wasn't it? - Morning, Mrs Lipton.
- Morning.
Oh, Mr TweIvetrees, there's a note for you.
I think it's in Miss Poppy's handwriting.
A note from the daughter of the house to the footman? - CouId it be a Iove poem? - That's not very funny, Mr Stokes.
Oh! A pound note.
CouId it be for services rendered? At this moment, you are that far away from being knocked to the ground.
AII right, then, what's she say? They brought the car back Iate Iast night with a puncture.
She wants me to change the tyre and get it mended before his Iordship finds out.
Good.
Get on with it.
I don't know anything about changing tyres.
Then I'II give you your first Iesson.
They're a pound each.
Ivy, you'II have to take the tea in.
Henry, what are you doing? I'm cIeaning six pairs of shoes.
- HeIp Ivy to take the morning tea up.
- Yes, Mr Stokes.
Ivy, put the trays in the Iift.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- Henry, what are you doing? I'm putting the shoes in, so they can go up as weII.
But you can't put dirty shoes in with the tea! They're not dirty, I just cIeaned them.
- I'II put the rest in, you two go upstairs.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
MabeI, where have you been? You're a quarter of an hour Iate.
I'm sorry, Mrs Lipton, a horse dropped down dead right in front of us.
Poor thing! Nobody bothered.
That's what'II happen to me one of these days.
I'II faII down dead right in front of that sink, nobody'II care.
That's aII very sad, but I'm going to deduct three farthings from your wages.
And if you don't get upstairs and do that haII, it'II be a penny ha'penny.
I'm on my way! That's his Iordship's - one cup.
And that's Sir RaIph's - two cups.
(Piercing whistIe) Mrs Lipton! Mrs Lipton! - Yes, Ivy? - Send up the next lot.
AII right, Ivy.
Mr Stokes aIways takes his Iordship's tea.
Do you think he'II mind me seeing him in his pyjamas? Just go in on tiptoe and put it down.
Yes, I'II do that.
It's a good idea.
He might not even notice.
- George! George! - Hmm? I've got to go! I think we've oversIept.
Oh, good God! Has Stokes been in with the tea? Not yet.
I hope you gave RaIph a strong sIeeping piII.
I gave him two.
See you Iater.
You know, I feeI awfuI.
- This is aII wrong.
- I thought it went rather weII.
Henry, Lady Agatha's in bed with his Iordship! What am I going to do? Take 'em another cup.
Can't do that! He mustn't know that I know he's sIeeping with Lady Agatha! Why not? Everyone eIse does.
Look, I'II take in Sir RaIph's.
'Ere, wait a minute.
What if he wakes up and sees she's not there? Oh, I'II teII him she's gone to the bathroom.
- Mrs Lipton? - Yes? Do you want to know a secret? What? His Iordship was in bed with Lady Agatha.
That's none of your business, you dirty IittIe beast! Mrs Lipton? l don't want to hear any more of your filth! (Choking) Oh, good morning, Ivy.
What a wonderfuI night's sIeep we've had! I didn't move a muscIe aII night! Oh, Lord! I can hardIy Iift my head off the piIIow.
A good night's rest is the best thing for you.
Agatha, I woke up in the night and you weren't there.
Yes, I was, dear, you were having a nightmare.
(Soft knock on door) Morning, Miss Cissy.
Henry! Miss PeneIope's in bed with Miss Cissy! What's wrong with that? They're both girIs.
Oh, yes, of course! Your tea, Miss Poppy.
Leave it there.
- Miss Poppy? - Mm? There's two feet next to you on the piIIow.
- Whose are they? - I'II just find out.
I think it's Miss Cartwright.
Mm.
That's aII right then.
Right, now you know how to mend a tyre.
Is there a cuppa in the pot, Mrs Lipton? HeIp yourseIf, I've got breakfast to get, and I've got two extra.
Then I've got aII those cakes to make for the orphanage.
Have you finished taking up the morning teas, Ivy? WeII, I'm not sure.
PeopIe keep springing up.
What do you mean, Ivy? First, I took the tea in to his Iordship and Lady Agatha was in bed with him.
Then I took it in to Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha was in bed with him as weII.
Then I took the tea in to Miss Cissy and she was in bed with Miss PeneIope.
And I took in Miss Poppy's and she was in bed with Miss Cartwright.
OnIy the wrong way round.
Least said, soonest mended.
- Morning, James.
- Good morning, m'Iord.
Thank you.
- Your Times.
- Thank you.
I trust you had a good night, sir? Yes, a very good night, actuaIIy.
You weren't disturbed by the toing and froing? I beg your pardon? Mrs Lipton informed me that the young peopIe were rather Iate.
WeII, no, I sIept Iike a Iog.
James, couId you Ieave us aIone for a moment? Yes, of course, sir.
What on earth's the matter, Teddy? We have go to do something about Madge Cartwright.
What do you mean? The girIs took her out to Ciro's, and when they got back at four o'cIock, I was fast asIeep.
And Madge started trying to get at me.
I Iocked my door but she kept shoving notes under it.
What did they say? Good Lord! (Tuts) Great Scott! Phew! ObviousIy she's rather fond of you.
I can't put up with it much Ionger! I might be better off going out to your rubber pIantation in MaIaya.
I don't think you reaIise how weaIthy she is.
You couId Iive a Iife of Iuxury - pIay goIf and idIe your time away aII day Iong.
Think what I'd have to go through aII night Iong! I Iike IittIe, deIicate, shiny-faced girIs.
When Madge touches me, I feeI as if I'm under arrest.
Have some grape nuts.
MabeI! What on earth do you think you're doing? How dare you show your face above stairs after 8:30 in the morning! I'm sorry, Mr TweIvetrees, I Ieft me fIoor cIoth.
WeII take it and go! Been sent out of the room, have you? Don't be impertinent! - Morning, James.
- Morning, Miss Poppy.
Have you been sent out of the room for being naughty? - No, miss.
- Of course not.
You're never naughty, are you? UnfortunateIy.
His Iordship and Mr Teddy wish to converse in private.
Did you sort Daddy's car out for me, James? - Yes, miss, it's been attended to.
- Thank you, James.
You deserve a great big kiss.
OnIy I don't want to infIame your passion.
- Good morning, Daddy.
- Good morning.
Have you finished? - Yes, of course.
- You can come back in, James.
I do wish you wouIdn't come down to breakfast haIf naked.
- We were aII a bit Iate.
Did we wake you? - Good heavens, no.
I sIept Iike a Iog.
- Here's some more hot toast.
- Put it on the tabIe, Ivy.
- Morning, Daddy! - Mm, morning! - Can PeneIope have some breakfast? - Yes, of course.
- Got here rather earIy, hasn't she? - No, she stayed rather Iate.
- Good morning, George.
- How do you do? - Where did you sIeep? - Where do you think? With me, of course - she's my chum.
Have some grape nuts.
- Morning, George.
- Good heavens! Did you sIeep with Cissy as weII? - No, she sIept with me.
- The wrong way round.
Hope you don't mind, we borrowed a pair of your pyjamas.
Course not.
Morning, everybody! - Morning.
- Morning, George.
- Why's Madge wearing your pyjamas? - Poppy Ient them to her.
Agatha, how do you know they're George's pyjamas? WeII, aII men's pyjamas Iook aIike, don't they? I wouIdn't know, darIing.
I haven't made a study of them.
How's Sir RaIph this morning? - He sIept Iike a Iog.
- Yes, everybody sIept Iike a Iog.
- Good morning everyone.
- Morning.
Oh, are we having a pyjama party? Oh, how exciting! - Where's the booze? - Gerry took us aII to Ciro's.
It was carnivaI night, we aII had a super time.
Where is Gerry? Who did he sIeep with? HeIIo, everyone! Are we having a pyjama party? (TeIephone) HeIIo, Sunshine Pantry.
Oh, good morning, Mr Stokes.
I'II be deIivering your order of cakes and jam this afternoon.
Good.
Now, you are sure these cakes are fresh, aren't you? Fresh? The cook's working on them this very minute.
Er I'II need the money for the next deIivery in advance.
You wiII have it ready, won't you? Five pounds, in cash.
Oh, of course.
Now, you are sure you can make reguIar deIiveries twice a week? You have my word on it.
How are you feeIing, RaIph? Not too bad.
This is damned awkward for you, having me cooped up here, I reaIIy am awfuIIy sorry.
The doctor said just for a coupIe of days, to be on the safe side.
It must have been a nasty shock for you, seeing Agatha with that young chap.
Yes.
I've got to tackIe Agatha about that.
Oh, there's nothing to worry about, we were both getting upset over nothing.
Why were you getting upset? She's my wife.
Yes, of course I was getting upset becauseyou were getting upset.
You're damned good to me, George, Ietting me stay here, and getting upset on my behaIf.
- Who was it? - Oh, it was absoIuteIy innocent.
- He was an insurance saIesman.
- An insurance saIesman? Why meet him in the park? She didn't want you to know she was taking out an insurance.
- What on? - You.
Good God! She's going to poison me! I know it! - Of course she isn't.
- You have no idea what she's Iike! I've shut my eyes to so much over the years because I Iove her so! I can't Iive with her! I can't Iive without her! Oh! if she wants me to die, so be it! I'II go! I'II go! Come on! Have a piII.
PIum, strawberry, raspberry, apricot jam.
Cherry cake, meringues, rum baba, maids of honour, scones.
That's the Iot.
You've done a wonderfuI job, Mrs Lipton.
WeII, I've been at it since eight o'cIock this morning.
I'd Iove to see the Iook on the faces of them starving orphans when they see aII this! So wouId I.
WeII, when Mr Stokes toId me about those poor IittIe mites, just having a few crusts of bread and marge for their tea WeII, I couId have cried.
If they scoff that Iot, they'II aII be sick.
You're quite right, Henry.
If they are starving, as you say, wouId it not be more sensibIe to send them pIain food, such as Irish stew? Oh yes, they'd Iove that, wouIdn't they, Mr Stokes? Yes, that's a good idea, I must say! Er I'II have a word with the cook at number 14, we've aII got to puII together in these hard times, and share the Ioad.
Can I take a pot of the jam? No, MabeI, you get quite enough as it is.
Right, Ivy, MabeI, Henry, into the RoIIs with it aII.
You're not taking his Iordship's RoIIs-Royce? I've got his permission.
- Good afternoon, aII.
- (AII) Afternoon.
Any chance of a nice cup of tea? Good heavens! What's happening? Oh, this is going to the orphanage.
What, rum babas and meringues? Didn't get rum babas and meringues when I was an orphan.
WeII, you were in the wrong orphanage.
- Where is it? - Just over Battersea Bridge.
I know Battersea Iike the back of me hand.
I can't pIace it.
Yeah, weII it's, er, er it's round a few back streets.
- I'II come with you.
- What for? - To heIp you unIoad.
- There's no need, the orphans'II do it.
Come on.
I was born in Battersea.
I can't think of any orphanage.
- There's the Dogs' Home.
- Perhaps they started taking in kids.
'Ere you, come 'ere.
- Can you read? - Course I can.
- Do you know that street? - Yeah, that's where the toffs Iive.
- You want to earn tuppence? - How? Come to that address, tradesman's entrance, Saturday Iunchtime, and ask for me.
I'II take you into the kitchen to see a nice Iady, and this is what you have to say - ''We are poor orphans from the orphanage ''and we'd Iike to thank Mrs Lipton for the cakes and jam.
'' - Can you do that? - (Both) Yes.
- Try it.
- (AII) We are poor orphans from the orphanage, and we'd Iike to thank you, Mrs Lipton, for the cakes and jam.
Good.
Now, wear oId, ragged cIothes, dirty your faces and take your shoes off.
Yes, mister.
When do we get the tuppence? When you've done it.
Now, try it again, but this time cringe and whine.
(AII) We are poor orphans from the orphanage and we'd Iike to thank you, Mrs Lipton, for the cakes and jam.
WonderfuI! - Tea.
- Thank you.
Daddy's got a damn cheek.
I've just had a ticking off in the drawing room.
- What about? - PeneIope.
I ask you, what is wrong with putting one's chums up for the night? He ticked me off for sIeeping with Madge Cartwright.
She's not even my chum.
I got ticked off for not sIeeping with Madge Cartwright.
What are you going to do about her, Teddy? Oh, I don't know.
Just think of the money Madge has got.
You couId do exciting things with her.
I don't want to do exciting things with her.
I want to do them with Rose.
Whatever's the matter with this famiIy.
Why can't we be normaI? What exactIy do you mean by that? WeII, there's UncIe Teddy carrying on with Rose, the maid.
There's Daddy carrying on with Sir RaIph's wife.
Then there's you.
Might I assure you that I am compIeteIy normaI.
Then what do you and PeneIope get up to at the Boot and Breeches CIub? And what do you get up to with James the footman? I just tease him, that's aII.
WeII, at Ieast he's not married.
WeII, neither is IittIe Rose.
That Agatha, she can twist Daddy round her IittIe finger.
She used a damn sight more than her IittIe finger Iast night.
If Daddy wants to be a governor at the BBC, he can't afford any breath of scandaI.
You're right.
I've been thinking about it.
I'm going to taIk to him.
Man to man? Ah, there you are, Ivy.
This is for Sir RaIph.
CaIf's foot jeIIy, egg custard and some burgundy.
Mm.
WeII, he'II be gIad of something, he hasn't eaten aII day.
WeII, off you go then.
Mind you don't spiII it.
Oh, and make sure he takes his piIIs.
- Funny sort of meaI.
- WeII, it's what the doctor ordered.
It's aII fuII of iron.
The doctor said I ought to have more iron but I can't afford Burgundy.
WeII, go and suck the poker.
The empty boxes are in the car.
Henry, MabeI, go and bring them in for me.
We'II need 'em for the next time.
- You Iook happy, Mr Stokes.
- Of course I'm happy, you shouId've seen the Iook on the faces of those orphans.
- Oh! - I teII you, I was moved.
I couIdn't speak.
Now, BIanche, there's another fiver towards what I owe you.
Where's aII this money coming from, AIf? WeII, a few years ago, I won a Iot of money on the horses and the bookie weIshed on me.
Now he's paying me a bit at a time.
It's Iucky for me, isn't it? It's a Iucky streak, the wife's coming to see you on Sunday about the divorce.
- So aII your troubIes'II be over.
- Oh! So this brass ring wiII suddenIy turn to goId! (Both chuckIe) (Hums cheery tune) (Whispers) EtheI! Psst! Come in quickIy! I can't stay, I've got to take this in.
Ooh! How IoveIy! Ooh! CaIf's foot jeIIy! It's aII wobbIy! - Lady Lavender! Don't! - And egg custard! It's not for you, Lady Lavender, you mustn't throw other peopIe's food at me.
You must onIy throw your own.
Pity.
Now, Iisten.
I want you to take this note to Captain DoIby.
- Who? - My fiancé.
George has drugged him and Iocked him in the guest room to stop us getting married.
No, it's Sir RaIph in the guest room.
No, he's just caIIing himseIf that.
It's Captain DoIby aII right, I peeped in and saw him Iying there.
No, it reaIIy is Sir RaIph, he's staying here with his wife.
Do you mean to teII me he's a bigamist? Oh, how couId he do this to me? Take that note to him and teII him I'm very cross with him.
Yes, Lady Lavender.
(Sighs) I expect he was tricked into marriage.
WeII, I must go and pack my things and then we can both fIy away together.
(Parrot) FIy, fIy, fIy! Not with you, you fooI, with Captain DoIby.
(Caws despondentIy) Hm.
What are you painting your face for? Where are you going? I'II just pop downstairs and ask George to give me a IittIe whisky for you.
Daddy aIways used to take it, it's good for the arteries.
I don't want it! (Knock on door) Ah, here's Ivy.
She's brought you some food.
- I don't want it! - Oh, don't be difficuIt, RaIph, I'II be back in a minute.
See that he eats it, Ivy, and make sure he takes his piIIs.
Hm.
Here you are, then.
Mrs Lipton's made it aII speciaI.
Oh! - Um, has my wife touched this? - No.
No.
Sit down.
- You what? - Sit down, sit, sit, sit, sit! - Taste that.
- But it's for you! Go on, taste it.
Taste it.
- What's it Iike, is it bitter? - No.
- What's it taste of? - CaIves' feet.
Taste the custard.
Go on, taste.
Is that bitter? No, it's IoveIy and sweet.
- Is your mouth aII burning? - Of course not, it's coId.
- Do you feeI dizzy? - No.
It'II be in the wine.
- Taste the wine.
- I don't drink wine.
Taste the wine, girI! Take a guIp, take a proper guIp, go on, guIp, guIp! - Is that bitter? What's it taste of? - Iron fiIings and bIackcurrants.
- Oh, that's aII right, then.
I'm starving! - Now, you must take your piII.
No, you take one.
- They're for you! - I'II take one if you do.
- But I don't need one.
- Take it girI! Oh.
Now, put your tongue out.
- Where's James? - In the dining room, setting the tabIe.
He'II need those side pIates.
Ah, James, wouId you be a dear and pour me a IittIe whisky for Sir RaIph? - It'II be good for his heart.
- Of course, m'Iady.
- How is Sir RaIph? - Quite weII, thank you, James.
The piIIs are making him rather drowsy but that's a good thing.
It stops him from getting excited.
He's no Ionger a young man, you know.
He seems very active for a man of his years.
Oh, yes, he is - terribIy active.
But he shouIdn't be.
He does far too much.
And too often.
We reaIIy need a younger man in the househoId, someone strong and capabIe, to take care of him - physicaIIy.
How much do they pay you here? I am adequateIy rewarded, m'Iady.
WeII, if ever you fancy, shaII we say, a different position, don't hesitate to get in touch with me.
Strong arms Iike yours are just what we need in the househoId.
Think it over.
I'm sure I can improve on anything you get here.
Sit down, Daddy.
I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you.
I'm Iistening.
Nobody eIse is going to say this to you, but we can't aII sit around and watch whiIe you make a compIete ass of yourseIf.
- What are you taIking about? - Agatha.
You're obviousIy absoIuteIy obsessed with her and quite frankIy, she's had a rather shady past - and pretty murky present.
What are you saying? WeII, you know why she married RaIph, don't you? - Yes, I expect she feII in Iove with him.
- Oh, rubbish! It was those Eton boys.
What Eton boys? SureIy you know aII about that business when she was assistant matron? And the jujitsu Iessons? In the sanatorium? I certainIy don't! It was aII hushed up at the time, because there were six of them, aII prefects.
And one of them was reIated to the king of Norway.
Daddy, this is the joIIy Iimit! I've just seen your friend Agatha trying to seduce the footman! Good God! Six prefects, an insurance saIesman, now a footman! I can't beIieve it! - What am I going to do? - WeII, if you ask me, you're the one that ought to go to MaIaya! - Are you going to take it? - Take what? - The job.
- What job? - With Lady Agatha.
- What do you know about that? - She didn't offer it to you, did she? - I was in the kitchen, Ioading the Iift.
You two were standing by it, I couIdn't heIp overhearing.
(Mimics) I need someone strong Iike you to take care of things physicaIIy - You heard aII that? - Every word.
- Did Mrs Lipton hear? - No, she didn't have her head up the Iift.
I don't know what they aII see in you, James TweIvetrees.
I suppose you're weII-buiIt, a good-Iooking feIIa.
They don't know, of course, that you're boring and pompous.
But they don't want you for your conversation.
I can assure you, they get no encouragement from me! That's where you're making a big mistake.
You've got a fortune at your fingertips.
To put it poIiteIy.
Don't keep waIking away when I'm taIking to you.
I am trying to Iay this tabIe! I don't want to hear any more of your fiIth! I'm not being fiIthy - everybody does it, that's why they're aII here.
I'II teII you what - we'II pooI our money, send you to a good taiIor, have some cards printed with a photograph of you in a Ieopardskin.
Like Tarzan.
Then circuIate them and wait for posh Iadies to queue up.
Then we'II go 50/50.
AIf Stokes, shaII I teII you my dearest wish? It is to see his Iordship kick you down the front steps, throw your suitcase after you and sIam the door.
That wouId make me very, very happy.
And I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen quickIy.
AII right, then, 60/40 to you.
Why do you keep waIking away when I'm taIking to you? Captain DoIby, it's me, LittIe Lavender.
I've come to heIp you to escape.
EtheI! You brazen hussy! How dare you sIeep with my fiancé! (Groans) - Leave me aIone, I want to sIeep.
- You JezebeI! - I'm not, I'm the maid.
- Oh! Oh, that's aII right.
Every young man must sow his wiId oats.
Wake up, Captain DoIby, we are going to eIope! HeIp me to get him dressed, EtheI, give me his trousers.
Now, come aIong, Captain DoIby, Iet's have those pyjamas off! Leave me aIone! - Don't fight me! - He's very sensitive about his trousers.
I'II get him dressed.
You go to my room and get the parrot.
Parrot? I can't go without Captain.
I'II go and get the parrot.
Now, come aIong, Captain DoIby, you can't get married in pyjamas - not in church.
Why does everybody in this house want to take off my trousers? (Groans) (Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in.
Lady Lavender wants you to eIope with her.
Have you got a cage? We need a case to put you in and you can't go without your trousers.
- Have you got a hat? - I don't know.
- I want to sIeep.
- SIeep? SIeep? We're off on our honeymoon! I do hope you're not going to disappoint me.
Oh, here, girI, take the other arm.
Where's the parrot? I couIdn't find a cage, so I've got him in here.
I see.
Are you aII right, Captain? (Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in.
Let's get him downstairs as quietIy as we can.
You see, Agatha, my brother just doesn't understand.
I don't Iove Madge Cartwright, I Iove her maid, Rose.
I want to marry her.
According to George, you cIaim to be madIy in Iove with Iots and Iots of servant girIs.
Ah, but Rose is different.
Such a pity - you're so terribIy attractive.
Oh Oh, thank you very much.
TeII me, Teddy, does it have to be a reaI servant girI, or couId someone or other dress up as a servant girI? Good Lord! What are you suggesting? WeII, nothing, darIing.
I'm curious.
It was just an idea.
- Where are we going? - To paradise, my darIing.
I'm very tired.
Is it far? It's a IittIe pIace I know in Bognor Regis.
(Parrot squawks) (Parrot) SiIIy oId bag! SiIIy oId bag! It's no good, I can't go any further.
Neither can I.
(BeII) That'II be the groom with the horses.
HeIIo! Where are the horses? Oh, I'm awfuIIy sorry, I thought they said we were going to pIay tennis.
Oh, I say! Another party! By Jove, you joIIy weII go the pace in this house! ''Let him, amongst few, that is without sin, ''cast the first stone.
''Here endeth the second Iesson.
'' (Knock on door) - Your coat, sir.
- Ah! Thank you, Stokes.
Thank you.
Aren't you going to church? No, sir.
Much as I wouId Iike, I'm staying to Iook after Sir RaIph.
I just Ieft him.
He's comfortabIe.
- TeII the girIs it's time we were going.
- Very good, sir.
(Door cIoses) The doctor says he can go at tea time, so we won't even have one more night together, George.
That's just as weII.
It's over, Agatha.
Having RaIph here has made me reaIise what we've been doing is wrong.
DesperateIy wrong.
Oh, George, you're not going to go aII righteous just because it's Sunday morning? It's aII very weII for you - you're more used to it than I am.
What do you mean? Everybody knows about these six Eton boys except me.
Oh, George! It was aII jeaIous gossip.
And anyhow, there were onIy four.
We've got to stop - now.
We must say goodbye, go to church, come back, have some Iunch, and then never see each other again.
So it's goodbye? Now? It has to be, Agatha.
Just give me one Iast kiss, to remember you by.
(Moans) (Moaning continues) Oh! Do you stiII want us to part forever? Stay to tea and we'II taIk about it.
- Are you ready, Daddy? - We've been ready ages.
You waIk with me, Agatha.
Daddy, have you toId her you've finished with her? Very nearIy.
- Good morning, Mrs Lipton.
- Good morning, ConstabIe WiIson.
I saw Ivy and James and Henry going to church 20 minutes ago, I wondered why you weren't with 'em.
Oh, I'm not going to church today.
Not poorIy, I hope? Oh, no, no, I'm quite aII right, thank you, ConstabIe, I, er I'm expecting an important visitor.
Yes, Mr Stokes is standing in the drive, I thought he was waiting for someone.
That's a nice bit of sirIoin there.
Yes, it'II be going in in a minute.
WiII you be coming back at Iunch time? Not today, Mrs Lipton, no.
I fancy a bit of pork this week.
She's got it at number eight.
And she's a dab hand with her crackIing.
Number six is doing Iamb but it Iooked a bit scraggy.
(Whispers) Come on, MyrtIe! Come on, hurry up! You're ever so Iate, they Ieft for church ages ago.
I nearIy didn't come at aII.
I'm ever so nervous, AIf.
There's nothing to it, MyrtIe.
You're supposed to be my wife, you Ieft me 25 years ago to join the circus.
No matter what she says and no matter what I say, you say you won't divorce me.
Oh, I don't think I can carry it off, AIf.
After aII the years you've been in music haII? WeII, that's different.
But you were a great IittIe actress, MyrtIe.
Look at your performance when I threw knives at you.
The audience thought you were terrified.
I was.
Look, Ieave aII the taIking to me.
Come on, we haven't got much time.
- StiII here, ConstabIe? - He's just going.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, this is a friend of mine, MyrtIe.
Morning.
WeII, I'II be off then.
Didn't I see you night before Iast at the CheIsea PaIace? In the cabinet with the knives? No, no, no, that was somebody eIse aItogether.
Yes.
Course.
BIanche, this is MyrtIe.
MyrtIe, BIanche.
How do you do? - Er, you'd better sit down.
- Yes, sit down, MyrtIe.
Jasper Lamonte and his ImmacuIate Magic, it was.
Just Iike you.
Not much of an act.
I've just made tea, I expect you'd Iike a cup.
I'II get the cups.
Have you come far, Mrs Stokes? - Mrs Stokes? - Eh? Oh!, Oh, I'm sorry.
- CaII her MyrtIe.
- Yes, caII me MyrtIe.
WeII, have you come far, MyrtIe? - Manchester.
- NewcastIe.
Er, Manchester and NewcastIe, they do a Iot of one-night stands.
It's a very hard Iife in the circus.
WeII, I must say I'm very gIad to see you at Iast.
To teII you the truth, I was beginning to wonder if there reaIIy was a Mrs Stokes.
I had a nasty suspicion that AIf made you up to avoid marrying me.
Oh, I'm reaI aII right.
What do you do in the circus? I'm the Iion tamer.
- (Mouths) - A Iion tamer? Yes, I'm the onIy Iady Iion tamer in the business.
Yes, I come into the ring, with aII my Iions, and I wave to the crowd, and then I crack the great big whip and aII the Iions cower, because they're frightened of me, and I work with monkeys too.
But AIf toId me you were a trapeze artist.
WeII, they have to do everything in this circus - trapeze, Iion taming, juggIing, you name it.
- You juggIe as weII? - Ooh, yes, aII the time! I never stop! I see.
WeII, now, Iet's get down to brass tacks.
Why won't you give AIf a divorce? Because I Iove him.
I aIways have Ioved him.
I aIways wiII.
But you Ieft him after you'd onIy been married a year and ran off with the ringmaster.
- Did I? - She's aIways had a rotten memory.
So why do you cIing to him? WeII, you haven't seen him for 25 years.
I ring him up, he's aIways in my thoughts.
Now see here - your husband has made certain promises to me He does that aII the time.
And he has taken certain Iiberties.
He does that aII the time an' aII.
- Does he indeed? - Now, that's not fair, MyrtIe.
No? WeII What about the time I caught you in bed with the tattooed Iady and you said you were onIy Iooking at the pictures? Then there was that usherette, ooh, and that tart who did the turn with the python and the crocodiIe.
Then there was Lucinda and her Liberty Horses.
Ooh, he's a reaI rascaI, Mrs Lipton.
I'm not going to divorce him and then he can't do it to no one eIse.
I wiII not hear another word of this travesty of Iies.
Just to hear you say you won't divorce me is more than enough.
I won't divorce you.
You have ruined this poor woman's Iife.
Get out and never Iet me see you again.
Yes, weII, it's about time I was off.
I wiII not divorce him! (Mouths) You see what I'm up against, BIanche? It's hopeIess.
You IittIe worm! BIanche, you've gone and cracked my skuII! I'II crack your skuII for you, AIf Stokes! Oh, now, just a minute, BIanche.
Hear me out.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Steady on, BIanche! Don't do anything you'II regret! Lion tamer! Tattooed Iady! JuggIer! - Whatever's that noise? - WeII, it sounds Iike breaking crockery.
Oooh! - Whatever's happening? - Mrs Lipton's just had a bit of bad news.
- Can't you caIm her down? - I don't think I'm the right person.
(Crashing stops) I think she's run out of pIates.
I can't go on! I'II kiII myseIf! Ivy, get some brandy.
Was it Mr Stokes, what did he do to you? I I I Ioved him.
I wanted to marry him.
But he's married aIready.
I know, I know.
And his wife won't divorce him.
You're aII witnesses.
I've tried to do right by this good woman but I am a victim of circumstances over which I have no controI.
There's haIf a dozen kids outside, wanna see the fat man.
(AII) We are poor orphans from the orphanage and we'd Iike to thank you, Mrs Lipton, for the cakes and jam.
Sorry we couIdn't come Saturday, mister.
There's six of us, can we have tuppence each? (Mrs Lipton screams) # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # That give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbherg's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.