1000 Ways to Die s03e03 Episode Script

Assume the position.
Research shows What the hell was that? Stupid people have more fun Give me a hot dog! - But die sooner.
- Oh, my god.
Here's proof.
This guy had a hardcore day and wound up stiff.
This one bit off more than he could chew.
These two kids locked tongues and lost their heads.
There's the football fan who got the cold shoulder.
- DAMN.
- The outdoorsman - Heavy bastard.
- Who got the hook.
And the coed who learned you can't fool mudder nature.
They're young, numb, and full of dumb.
It's the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle, because every day we live, we face 1000 ways to die.
Middle America.
It's a great place for family values and an endless supply of crystal meth.
Thanks to this guy: Jimmy Milliken.
Once a promising research chemist, he graduated college by the age of 17.
But by the age of 19, he was a strung-out tweaker.
He finally put his lab skills to use.
And for the last five years has been whipping up large batches of the toxic drug.
Jimmy would get so strung out, he would stay awake for five or six days straight.
His hallucinations were having hallucinations.
typically stays awake between 3 to 15 days.
This insomnia, coupled with the drug use, can cause increased paranoia, hallucinations, self-mutilation, and become just plain dangerous.
His only form of nutrition was a six-day-old piece of gum.
To keep it fresh, he'd dip it in citric acid.
Hour after hour, it was the same drill.
Dip, chew, repeat.
Dip, chew, repeat.
But then he developed a hitch in his dip.
Jimmy mistakenly dipped his worn-out gum into a bowl of red phosphorus, an explosive substance found in meth and fireworks.
Jimmy's jaws exerted up to 120 pounds of pressure.
Enough to ignite the red phosphorus.
Because the explosion was contained in a small space, it had enough force to blast Jimmy's jaw right off its hinges.
His brian bounced off the back of his skull, hemorrhaging the cerebral cortex, and causing it to bleed out.
This time, it looks like Jimmy bit off more than he could chew.
A county morgue can be a pretty grim place even on a slow death day.
It's a large, large mass.
But sometimes, a routine autopsy can produce results so shocking that even seasoned pathologists are stunned by what they find.
- Oh, my god.
- What is that? We'll get to that in a second.
It's a rather large mass.
The woman on the table is Joan Meikin.
She didn't always look like this.
She used to look like this.
Joan was a beautiful, free spirit, an artist, and a nudist.
But Joan had a big problem growing deep inside her.
Joan suffered from a disease known as trichophagia.
An obsessive need to ingest hair.
Hair is made of long chains of polypeptides and proteins all conglomerated into something we call keratin.
Keratin is indigestible by the human G.
I.
System.
Over time, Joan's undigested hair began clogging up her stomach.
She was unable to keep any food down.
And grew weaker and weaker.
Stupidly, she ignored her symptoms.
Her health deteriorated until She collapsed into a coma and soon after died, which brings us back to where we started.
What is that? Joan's obsessive hair eating formed something called a bezoar in her stomach.
What's a bezoar? It's a ball of hair.
It's also what killed her.
The trichobezoar or the hair plug is made up of not only hair, but undigested food particles, fat, liquid that stop the gastrointestinal system.
You get a backup of food, water, liquids, which if put enough pressure, can rip a hole in the intestine.
That hole can cause bleeding internally in the lining of the gut.
Joan wanted to change the world.
She should've changed her eating habits.
Up next Assume the position.
Yah! A cute coed turns into a mudder sucker.
And A survivalist who couldn't survive.
It's hazing week at Eta Pi sorority.
Harriet was in charge of the new pledges.
Assume the position.
I said bend over! Yah! Too bad for them, she's the daughter of a marine drill instructor.
Now after surviving a week of abuse, the pledges prepared for their final humiliation.
Eta Pi's annual mud wrestling match.
The pledges made a mud pit.
Hey, pledge.
And Harriet was ready to get down and dirty.
Give me that But one pledge had some fight in her.
No.
Ah! I'm going to kill you! Harriet didn't like being challenged and the hazing got ugly.
You want to wrestle? There are ways to cheat during mud wrestling.
For me, exposing my opponents' breasts will definitely help me gain advantage.
My opponent will let go of me, try and cover themselves up, and that will give me advantage to grab them and get them in the submission hold that I want them in.
The new girl did her best Oh, my god.
Come here.
But Harriet was soon on top and she was going to make this slimy upstart swallow her pride.
Eat it.
Eat it.
Eat it.
Just as the pledge was ready to black out, the other terrified girls pulled her away.
Go cry, little girls.
The queen bitch strutted to the center of the pit I'm the queen.
You suck.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! And sank into the quagmire.
Shut up.
Harriet's Eta Pi sorority sisters had unwittingly built their wrestling pit over an underground sinkhole.
That spot must've been located right over a preexisting cavern with a very thin roof.
Over time, the water would add weight.
It would soften the rock.
And finally, the roof of the sinkhole would've collapsed.
She would've been buried by tons of mud.
And that would've pressed in on her chest.
Eventually, she would've suffocated.
Bend over! Harriet enjoyed making her pledges' lives a living hell.
I hate you! Until hell decided to swallow her whole.
Hal lived off the grid.
Whatever he needed, he poached.
Armed with a shotgun, a chain, and a meat hook, he had all the tools he needed to survive.
And all the tools he needed to die.
He was too good a shot to blow his brains out.
After all, he was born with the second amendment tattooed to his ass.
So the gun is out.
Even though Hal believed electricity was a secret form of mind control, he still couldn't live without his daily dose of Glenn Beck.
So he used his meat hook to poach a little power.
A fine way to die.
But that's not the way Hal is going to leave us.
Maybe Hal could off himself by poaching the old-fashioned way.
Damn.
Heavy bastard.
Raising a 500-pound elk with an eight-foot chain can sometimes leave you hanging.
But, no, the old "Hanged by an elk" death will have to wait for another idiot.
Because 20 feet from his shack, Hal stepped in a ditch.
And swallowed his meat hook whole.
The hook went in his mouth and came back out his trachea.
This individual actually self-induced a tracheotomy.
The problem with this tracheotomy is that the hole was never unblocked.
So he was never able to breathe, and he died of asphyxiation.
There's a lot of ways to die out in the wilderness.
Hal found a new one.
Hook in mouth disease.
Coming up, a stud goes three for three then strikes out and Give me a hot dog! A football fan from hell freezes over.
Peter was about to have the day of his life.
The only problem, It would end with the end of his life.
Hey, baby.
It started off with his long-time girlfriend, Brianna.
Thank you.
She was the nurturing type.
- You're so sweet.
- I know.
She would fill his fridge and then Peter would fill Brianna.
After Brianna, he got a big surprise.
Hey, you still there, big guy? Peter's Peter was still stiff as a parking meter.
What Brianna didn't know, Pete was a dirty dog cheater.
He brought in his backup babes.
Mm.
Looks like you're ready for me.
Oh, yeah.
First Lukasha, then Desiree.
Little Peter was doing fine, but big Pete was not.
Finally, after a couple of more thrusts, the stud went thud.
After close examination, our 1000 ways investigators pieced together Peter's death puzzle.
Earlier in the day, Peter was unpacking Brianna's groceries.
- Ah! Ah! - What's happened? What the hell was that? That was a nasty little creature called a wandering spider.
The wandering spider is found throughout south America and central America.
Occasionally it wanders into bananas and those bananas get shipped to the united states.
- Ah! Ah! - What happened? The wandering spider's venom will kill a human in anywhere from 2-12 hours.
The neurotoxin of the spider, which is in the venom started spreading really fast.
As a result, this neurotoxin was able to get to critical organs quite quickly.
And, ultimately, peter's body shut down.
And he died of complete hemodynamic and cardiovascular collapse.
But the wandering spider gives a gift before it takes a life.
A rock-hard, permanent erection.
Its toxic venom releases nitric oxide, which causes arteries and veins to dilate, sending a rush of boner blood to the penis.
You're awesome.
Pete was a cheat who thought it was neat To bang three girls in one day.
Along came a spider.
And while he was inside her, A heart attack blew Peter away.
It is gonna be a fun one tonight! Do you ever get the urge to get stupid drunk Paint yourself in your team's colors And sit half naked in subzero weather at a football game? You suck! Only an idiot would do such a thing.
Meet George.
Open your eyes! George was what you would call a super fan.
He would show up hours before kickoff and get super drunk.
Give me a hot dog! And scare off anyone who walked by.
Come on.
Zzz! There's really two kinds of football fanatics out there.
There's the classy, respectful football fanatic and then there's the moron.
Whoo! High five! You wonder "Who is he actually going home to tonight?" Cross the levy.
Those are the kind of fanatics that give us a bad name.
With an arctic cold front moving in, Today's game was going from the fridge to the freezer.
George was flirting with a condition called hypothermia.
Hypothermia is divided into three stages.
There's mild, moderate, and severe.
The mild stage is when your core body temperature drops to between 95 and 93 degrees fahrenheit.
You'll start to shiver, the skin will start to turn pale, and you might have a little bit of confusion.
George just thought he had a good buzz going.
He had no idea he was slowly turning into a frozen slab of meat.
Moderate hypothermia occurs when your core body temperature drops Between 93 and 86 degrees fahrenheit.
Your shivering is quite violent.
Your muscles become difficult to coordinate.
By the time george realized something was wrong, He had lost the ability to communicate.
No one around him took any notice.
He just seemed like the obnoxious drunk he always was.
Being painted blue, the fans around him didn't notice that he was actually turning blue with his core temperature dropping below 88 degrees.
Suffering from severe hypothermia, his major organs seized up and he flesh slowly froze.
In severe hypothermia, your core body temperatures drop to below 86 degrees fahrenheit.
You suffer multiple organ failure.
What kills you is cardiac arrest or cardiac fibrillation.
There's nothing wrong with rooting for the home team.
Go blue! But when fan turns to fanatic You suck! That's when trouble begins.
George went from super, to stupor, to stiff.
Now he's dead, now he's dead, real dead.
Don't you just want to rip the heads off all these kids with piercings? Get back in the car! Sit back and watch.
There's really nothing worse than a bunch of snotty, suburban kids with a lot more money than brains.
Get in, boy! Let's do this! And this gang of intellectually challenged twenty-somethings drained their trust funds on fashion accessories and muscle cars.
Their idea of a good time was to play at being fast and furious.
Mike and Jade saw themselves as the Sid and Nancy of the group.
A couple of sex pistols who didn't have an orifice that wasn't pierced and didn't know a line they wouldn't cross.
Today, Jade was taking her new tongue piercing out for a joy ride.
A slave ring is something like what I'm wearing here where a barbell is connected to the bead that closes the ring.
The slave master would attach a leash or a chain to lead their slave around.
They thought they'd christen the new piercing with a stunt they called the kiss of death.
The two lovers remained lip locked until the last possible moment when the cars would pull away to avoid a stationary object.
In this case, a slow-moving forklift.
The stunt would've worked, Except Mike and Jade suddenly found themselves tongue-tied.
Get back in the car! Get in the car now! One would have the slave ring with the hoop on it and then what would end up happening would be that the ball on just the plain, regular tongue ring would get lodged in that ring.
The two drivers should've slowed their cars down at the same time.
But they didn't use their heads.
So instead, Mike and Jade lost theirs.
Kids these days do some pretty dumb things.
These two could've used a simple head's up.
Oh, my god!