30 Rock s03e03 Episode Script

Miss Lemon! It's me, Kenneth Parcell, the page.
You probably didn't recognize me in this new page uniform.
- I recognize you.
- The old uniforms were timeless, practical, sexy.
But this! This is an outrage.
You need to make them go back to the old uniform.
- I don't have that kind of authority.
- Then what do you do? - I just got a call from security.
- What? That's ridiculous.
Why would I steal a file from personnel? What? No! Claire is in the lobby.
Claire Harper? From Chicago? Yep.
Fun, crazy Claire.
Man, do you remember that night we all danced in that open fire hydrant? - Yeah.
Her roof parties.
- Karaoke in Boystown.
The all-night scavenger hunts.
Do you remember when we crashed that polish wedding? - She's exhausting.
- I know.
She's gonna make us buy more of her homemade jewelry.
Birds always attack me when I wear it.
I'm not letting her drag me out to some club tonight.
I'm too old for that.
- Up or down, ladies? - Neither.
We're waiting for our old roommate.
She's like a human macarena Something everyone did at parties in 1996.
- Me-ow! - Right, that was harsh.
No, Mi Au She owns the largest alternative energy company in Asia.
So as part of our green initiative, we're doing a reality show about her quest to find a boyfriend.
Here comes Claire.
I'm already tired.
Surprise! I'm designing hats now.
Claire, this is my boss, Jack Donaghy.
- Hi, there.
- Welcome to New York.
Let's see we're using credit cards and cabs now, all galleries have moved to Chelsea, we're off cupcakes, back to doughnuts.
Would you excuse me for a moment? So, girls, what are we doing tonight? You know, the baggage handler told me about this storage unit party on the Lower Eastside.
Starts about midnight, sponsored by Myirt Vodka, and some drug dealer of some kind, but the only rule is that we all have to dj.
I mean, it's gonna be so much fun! Synch.
: Collioure.
Episode 3x03: "The One with the Cast of Night Court" What's wrong, Ken? You got wife eyes.
I'm just sad, sir.
I've worn this old jacket since 19 And now they're just throwin' it away.
Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me wanna pee on someone.
And I appreciate that, sir.
But rules are rules.
I'm gonna have to live with it.
I hate to see you like this, Ken doll.
It's like a owl without a graduation cap Heartbreaking.
So what can I buy you to make you happy? The things I want don't have a price tag, sir.
Well, money can't buy a sunset or a child's smile or a satisfying finale to the hit NBC television series Night Court.
Court? At night? I'm already laughing.
Tell me more.
Well, Night Court was supposed to end with a wedding between Christine and Harry.
But it didn't get a 10th season, so that great love story was left untold.
So you never got closure with those be-loved characters? Did you see our shout-out in Variety? They called us a comedy show.
I ran into your friend Claire on the elevator.
She is - very pretty.
- No, she's nuts when it comes to guys.
We had a name for her back in Chicago.
It's too rude to say out loud.
- "Crazyputty"? - No.
She's psycho.
She is Fatal Attraction.
She is staunchly in favor of cocoa puffs.
Do not sleep with her.
- I wish you'd told me that an hour ago.
- What? Jack was just Giving me directions to the "F train".
So, are we still on for tonight? Because it's going to be epic.
I can't.
I volunteer at a thing with kids and old people.
Bring 'em! See ya.
What were you thinking? Some woman known for 10 seconds in the elevator? I don't see what the problem is.
This is objectively awesome.
You don't understand.
For her, sex is not something that you have to do after the 12th date.
She uses it to suck men in and bleed them dry.
Back in Chicago, I saw her take powerful men down.
Didn't matter if it was Scottie Pippen or the drummer for the Bodeans or someone else's boyfriend who ran a small but prestigious clowning academy.
Whose boyfriend? I get it.
The fun, pretty girl who got the guys.
Some of them yours? No.
Listen to me.
She's not fun.
She's just crazy.
Like grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.
Having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm gonna go with Claire on this one.
Ready for your big surprise? Yes, sir.
Last time I was blindfolded was when I had to play the piano at that weird masquerade party.
Some of the cast of Night Court! That's right, K.
And they're here for you.
This is the sick kid you were telling us about? Bless your heart.
Do you like race cars? I do! Thank you, Mr.
Jordan.
This is the greatest day of my life.
First I find that quarter this morning I lost a quarter.
Earlier.
Everyone, to Mi Au.
May tonight's fundraiser for your fundraising foundation be as successful as last week's cocktail reception for your rehab center.
Jack's just being modest.
He won't tell you But I will.
Today Is Jack's birthday! Hit it, boys! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear Jackie bear Happy birthday to him.
Introduce me to this charming young woman.
I'm his life coach, Esmeralda Fitzmonster.
Would you excuse us just for a moment? How did you get in here? First of all, it's not even my birthday.
I know, isn't it funny? What? Come on.
Are you mad? - I'm just being fun and spontaneous! - This is highly inappropriate.
- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- If I kill myself, it's all your fault! You were right about Claire.
She crashed Mi Au's party.
Did she do sexy birthday or mannequin who comes to life? Sexy birthday, thank god! This is bad.
I need your help.
When we were having sex at the palace, - she told me she loved me.
- You did it again? Quick and in the meat locker.
That's OK, right? What's wrong with you men? You're like junkies.
Why can't you just say no? Let me explain something that you have no way of knowing.
Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack.
I mean, their self-loathing translates into Never mind.
I've gotta get out of this.
What do other guys do? Well, one guy died.
Scottie Pippen requested a trade to Houston.
Houston's too humid.
What about this died thing? Where is she now? Chained to the radiator in her hotel room.
It was her idea.
She's an amazing woman.
I need to keep you two separated.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this.
I will go clubbing with Claire.
I will attempt a hairdo.
I will wear high heels.
- Claire's wearing high heels right now.
- Go home junkie.
I'm cutting off your supply.
She's leaving thursday.
Do you think you can make it through one night? Just gotta hack it.
My boy Ken's written a masterpiece, and trust me, I use that word a lot.
I just want to thank y'all for making this dream come true for me.
Finally giving America what it wants A reunion of friends from Night Court.
And the wedding of Harry and Christine.
Before we begin, I would just like to say how special it is to be with you all again, my very special family.
I just wish the brilliant John Larroquette could be here as well.
You know, he really did wanna come, but he couldn't work the schedule out.
- You and John still talk? - We stay in touch, yeah.
- Did he mention me? - You came up, Markie.
You always come up, Markie.
Well, of course I come up at your little boys' club.
You always thought you were better than me cause you were nominated for Emmys.
I would have been nominated too, but I was too hot to be taken seriously! That wouldn't be a problem now, would it? Court is adjourned.
This is worse than the original finale.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but this is bad.
I wish this were an episode of Night Court, 'cause then there'd be some big joke right now.
That is so hot! You just look good in everything.
I wanna buy some hats.
You're selling hats in the office.
I am, and I didn't ask because I knew you'd say yes.
So what's the haps? What are we doing tonight, hitting a clizzub with Jenna? You know I'd love to, but I kinda have tentative plans.
What, with Jack? Come on.
He's like, the first guy you met here.
Roll with us tonight, and you will meet someone even hotter.
- Really? - Guaranteed.
I was at this club last week called Chili's, and I met this smoking guy He was just raw.
Tell me everything.
I'm going to.
He was wearing this shirt, and I could totally see his nips.
And he was very muscular.
Really? Did you go home with him? Yes.
To his loft.
Where he gave me the business.
So let's go dancing in high heels! God! OK, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna blow off Jack.
Where should we go? You guy should go to Aquarium.
It's this new night club and all the women are in a glass room in the center of the dance floor, and all the guys just watch and feed them.
That sounds so hot! - Yes.
Thank you, very helpful.
- Thank you.
So helpful.
You have to go through with this wedding, Harry.
It means the world to my boy Ken.
I am game, but it's Markie.
She will not let go of the past.
So you and Markeline have bad blood.
But it's bigger than that.
My boy Kenneth is going through some really tough times.
They're trying to make him wear a coat different than his other coat.
You won't regret this, Harry.
You look great.
Markie, will you do me the honor of becoming my fake wife so we can get our money and get the hell outta here? I've waited 15 years to hear you say those words.
It's happening.
Nothing can go wrong now.
There you are! Why did you leave? I think those persian guys wanted us to make out together.
I'm waiting for Claire.
She texted me like an hour ago and said that she was getting on the F train.
What is it? She's in your house.
Don't be ridiculous.
The alarm is I made you a white pizza and a pot roast.
Because I just think you're so amazing! Look at me playing house! God, you must think I'm out of my mind.
Do you? You just looked away when I said that.
- I saw you.
- No.
Just kiss me.
I know your lips will be honest.
I've gotta call you back.
Now, when we left off, Christine was stuck in the elevator, Mac had two dates on the same night, and Harry just discovered he was adopted.
- So, let's turn to page 2.
- Well, well, well.
A Night Court reunion.
Funny how I wasn't invited.
Or had you forgotten about my 3 episode arc as public defender Sparky Monroe? No, we remember, Jenna.
You were the werewolf lawyer.
I can prove my client is innocent.
If only it weren't a full moon! You made us jump the shark.
You're the reason we didn't have a 10th season! I had just bought my second home when they brought that idiot werewolf in.
That idiot werewolf paid for my hand reduction surgery, OK? I can't believe you're such a Night Court fan and didn't know I played the werelawyer.
I knew.
Very well.
I can take a hint.
But you haven't seen the last of Sparky Monroe! Liz, help me! Jack, what happened last night? Why are you wearing that hat? - I don't know.
- You did it again? I can't help it.
I'm under a lot of pressure, and Claire's my escape.
She's like a drug.
I crave her all time, even though she's bad for me.
And my teeth are getting loose! I don't think I can get outta this.
Maybe Claire is right.
Maybe if we have a baby together things will calm down.
This is what she does.
She sucks you into her craziness, and you have to fight it.
You have to step up and end this! I'm scared, Lemon.
I'll do whatever you say.
What a surprise.
What are you two chattin' about? Actually, we were talking about you, and Jack has something he'd like to tell you.
I do I'd like to suck that ring right off your toe.
- Just gotta hack it.
- Please stop.
Don't make that angry muppet face at him.
I know what you were trying to do last night.
You were trying to keep me away from Jack.
And you almost fooled me.
But then I remembered something.
You don't like to have fun.
And now your little plan is backfiring.
And Jack is seeing the manipulative you.
The single white female thing that you have with me.
I don't have a single white female thing with you! Honey, you moved into my building! You wore chokers because I wore chokers.
- I like a choker.
- Yes! You dated that clown, Joel Sucheki.
First! I dated him first.
And he was not that clown.
He was the head clowning instructor.
I'm not doing this.
I am only here cause Jack is my friend, and he asked me to be here as support.
Yes, right! That is what I'm saying! We all want what's best for Jack, right? So why don't we just get this 3-way on? Right? I mean, that's a bad idea? All right, well, I tried to be the adult.
And if only one of us gets to have him, - I'm afraid it's gonna be me.
- You wanted out of this.
Break the cycle.
You have a choice.
You can choose Claire or Claire.
I would like Claire.
Fine.
I'm done helping you.
And when you hit rock bottom, which you will, I am not gonna bail you out! I'm deleting you from my phone! Password? What? Tracy and Ken won't put me in Night Court finale shooting on stage tonight.
- What? - I know! I'm the werelawyer! - Objection! - Here we go again.
Tell me about it.
The last time I saw either of you, there was a problem with the page uniforms.
- A problem that persists, Liz Lemon.
- Are you with network? How'bout if Heroes had this new character, and his superpower was close up magic? What? No.
Big fan, by the way.
You're breaking union rules, our insurance doesn't cover any of this, and you're potentially infringing on Warner Brothers' intellectual property.
Shut this down.
I want a different answer.
Where's Jack Donaghy? There's no more Jack.
He's dead to us.
Break this down! Everybody out.
I'm sorry.
- Can I say something? - Absolutely not.
The only crime any of us is guilty of is caring for one another.
Mr.
Jordan, who tried to cheer me up, these wonderful actors who tried to make a young man's dream come true.
If there is a law against friendship, then lock me up.
But if there isn't Then the show must go onward.
Ken, you did it! You changed her mind! No, he didn't! Stop group hugging.
Who does that? Isn't this great? We're together.
We're in line to get into a club.
I have my glow stick.
There's no more Liz trying to keep us apart.
No more drama.
No more sneaking around.
Or recording our intimate moments and leaving them for Liz on her voicemail.
What? You know what? I don't think I know what this is anymore.
Are we boring? Are we some sexless couple that just sits in silence at a fish place on like a sunday night at 5:00? Cause if we are, I will kill myself! We're exciting.
We're having fun.
You really wanna have fun? - Let's do something wild.
- You like it when I get naughty? Where the hell did Crazyputty! Guy in the really cool hat has a gun.
- Drop it! Now! - Has a gun! Has a gun.
Run, Jack! - She's crazyputty! - Run, Jack! Well, it's been quite a night.
And it's been quite a court Ship.
So, by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I hereby pronounce us Mr.
And Mrs.
Judge Harry T.
Stone.
And I may now kiss the bride.
It's almost a full moon! And as my first official act as a newly married judge, I hereby declare the new page uniforms at NBC illegal! I added that.
I went upstairs and told 'em, if you don't bring back the old uniforms, I refuse to play the role of Mac in Universal's upcoming Night Court movie.
- What's that now? - Thank you, Mr.
Jordan! Are you OK? Thank you very much.
Lemon, real night court is not at all like the tv show.
- Remember that tv show? - I do.
The hookers are not funny.
There's a lot more sickly homeless people and terrified college students.
Thank you for bailing me out.
Claire threw my wallet down a storm drain.
Lemon, I'm sorry I I'm just glad you're OK.
- Thank you for answering your phone.
- I don't know how to decline a call.
Claire used to punch me in the face.
Lemon, I'm done.
I swear.
Try this on.
That's a good look for you.
You like that? It's yours.
A little Lewis Carroll hair.