800 Words (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Do you know what I still don't get? Why? Why.
I mean, sure, we had our ups and downs but things were going really good.
Then suddenly, he goes all mystical on it and what? That's it? What's that about? Well, we wish we could help you, love.
I just don't get why.
Yeah, we know.
(DOOR CLOSES) (GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) I thought the music was a sign she'd moved on.
From the desperate need to understand? Yeah, from there.
(MUSIC STOPS) I prefer the quiet Shay, I think.
She is still alive, isn't she? Well, she was at, like, 4am this morning.
(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) And that answers that.
I have to go to school.
Over to you, Father.
Thanks for that.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS) I wish I could recall the first time I got dumped.
I'm sure it hurt like I'd remember that pain forever.
But the truth is, I don't.
So I guess I picked myself up and moved on to new ways of getting it all wrong, because no one ever gets love right the first time, do they? (GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - You awake? - Mm.
I made some breakfast for you.
I'm not really hungry.
It's my job as a parent to nag you to eat.
And I will.
Just later, okay? Can I cut this music? Just for a moment? (MUSIC STOPS) You know it's not good, you stagnating in here, right? - I'm okay, Dad.
- No.
'Okay' is not what I'm seeing.
Yes, getting dumped sucks, I know that, - but letting it get to you - Do you? - Sorry? - When has anyone ever, for no reason, dumped you, Dad? Well, look, I'm sure it's happened.
But my point is If it had, you'd remember how it feels.
Yeah, well, I'm sure I would.
But my point is, if you wanna lie here and let it get to you, you are the one making it worse.
Not Ike you.
I know it hurts, I can see that much.
But all I'm saying is you need to get up and get outside.
The old parental fresh air cure.
It's a start, Shay.
When you get to the bottom, you've got to start somewhere.
And leaving your room and going outside, that's a start.
Over to you.
Honestly, you'd think Weld was in the middle of nowhere when it comes to hiring staff.
That English teacher I told you about, remember? Ahh, yeah She chose Stafford Boys'.
Can you imagine? Place is a zoo.
Anyway, I'll see you when I get back.
Oh.
All right, see ya.
- I am such a terrible person.
- You? No, you're not.
Here am I, rambling on.
I haven't even asked you about your day.
Oh.
Monty wants a quote for installing some solar panels, so.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
- See ya.
- Catch you later.
Oh! And tonight, do you wanna maybe sit down with a calendar and go through some wedding dates? Only 'cause people are hassling me.
You know what they're like.
Oh.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sounds like a plan.
I thought they'd broken up.
- They got back together again.
- And then they broke up again.
Yes, that pretty much covers it.
But she's, like, way more devastated about it this time than last time? Well, last time she was more just angry.
And this time, she's a bit of a wreck.
And she hasn't even bottomed out yet.
- "Bottomed out.
" - Shut up, Jared.
Well, she seems pretty low to me.
She thinks she's hit bottom but, she hasn't.
- You'd know this, how? - Because I'm a girl, duh.
- And she's been dumped heaps.
- Did you not understand the words 'shut' and 'up'? Trust me.
You think Shay's miserable now but it'll get worse before it gets better.
Sorry.
Sorry to interrupt.
You forgot your soup.
Maybe I didn't want soup today.
But you love soup.
Maybe not today.
Well, I've made it for you.
Where's your teacher? We haven't actually had a form teacher in a while now.
- Why not? - Because we're the Numpties? Well, why should that make a difference? - Um, because we're the Numpties? - Why didn't you tell me about this? Because if I did, you'd go around yelling at people.
It is not always Billy's class that misses out.
It sure feels like it.
Katie, we are a country school, which means finding staff is something I spend way too much time on.
I'm a siren, trying to lure would-be teachers onto the rocks of Weld District High.
Yes, I get that but meanwhile, I'm I'm sorry, but do you actually get it? I am trying my best here.
Yes, I do, actually.
I remember what it was like at the kohanga reo, trying to find staff that weren't borderline insane.
You taught at kohanga reo? - Many years ago.
- But you taught at a school.
At a Maori language preschool, and a little bit of primary, and some intermediate.
But not secondary.
But you have a practicing certificate.
Had, I had one.
Many years ago.
We can renew your certificate.
I need bodies, Katie, in front of students.
And the teaching plans are done, you just need to implement them.
- Anybody'll do.
- Thank you.
I think.
And the money's actually not that bad, for what the job is.
Come on, Katie.
I win, you win and you will be a great asset to the school.
This is you doing your siren thing, isn't it? Can you start today? Young love, first love, call it what you will, has the special quality of persevering over time.
Many years down the track, it will haunt you and torment you and lead you back down roads you don't actually want to travel.
Did you tell her? Why do you have to ask me that every time I walk in? Just in case you've come to your senses.
Well, as I've explained, George, okay? The time for me to tell her that has gone when I asked her to marry me.
- I'm still not buying that, Woody.
- Yet here you are, working away.
In the absence of any other sane idea.
And I feel really weird about doing it in a stranger's house.
Yeah, and I've explained to you, the Johnsons are cool.
All right? - I'm doing up their spare room.
- But we're not, are we? - How's Shay? - No change.
- And don't change the subject.
- All right, then.
Well, how are we getting on? Progress report number one.
Mary Kelly.
Not an uncommon name, by Australian standards.
- Thanks for that, Woody.
- Well, it could be worse, okay? - It could be 'Mary Smith', mate.
- What a silver lining.
No worries.
So, I've been looking through all the online phone books, which I'm dead certain are nowhere near accurate, but you've got to start somewhere starting with the last place that you saw her.
Tambo.
Heading west on the A2, I'm standing at the servo, can see the taillights, and regretting a few choice words Yeah, yeah, starting there and working out.
I've got a list of all the Mary Kellies and their numbers in the area, including one in Tambo.
Mate, that can't be a coincidence.
Well, yes, it can.
The chances of it being a coincidence are pretty high, actually.
I'm calling her.
- (BEEPING) - Okay.
G'day.
Is there a Mary Kelly there? Right.
She's dead.
Yeah, but is it her? Right.
Sorry, mate.
Sorry to hear that.
Um, was your Mary Kelly Did she happen to be long-legged, sort of beautiful Is your grandma.
It's not.
Who am I? Woody.
Yeah, nah, I'm actually trying to track down my wife.
It's a long story, actually and Ah, just hang on a sec.
Look, it's a long list.
If you tell everyone your life story, then we're going to have a phone bill which is off the planet scary.
Yep, yep.
Hey, I'm sorry for your loss, mate.
I've actually gotta bolt.
See ya.
You see, Woody, how this is not going to be easy? Mate, that was the first one off the list.
Yeah, of hundreds.
And what if she's remarried, - changed her name? - Well, then she'll be a bigamist, and that's everything I'm trying not to be.
Tell Tracey.
Nah.
- (BEEPING) - Try another one.
- Hey, it's alive.
- There's no food.
Have you looked in the fridge? I'm looking in the fridge.
There's nothing I want to eat.
Okay, well, that's different to, "There's no food.
" I don't care.
I want food.
Sorry, and what am I supposed to do about that? Go get me food? Or come here and make me food.
Or, try this on for size.
Just go to the SuperStore and buy some food.
- I don't have any money.
- Dad always leaves money in the jar.
And plus, if you leave the house then he'll ease up on nagging you about leaving the house.
Yeah, it's win-win.
Okay, I'm sure some of you already know Ms Bell.
Some of you better than others.
But, as of today, she will be stepping in to teach English.
And also as your form teacher for those of you in WEK.
Yes, Billy? Don't you have to be qualified, to be a teacher? That is being taken care of.
And if there are no more questions, I'll leave you to it.
Okay.
So, I understand that you're doing Shakespeare this term.
'Romeo and Juliet'.
We're working through the Leonardo version.
- Leonardo da Vinci? - DiCaprio.
- Watching the movie.
- Oh.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
You do have actual copies, though? - Yes, Jared? - Copying films is illegal.
- No, I mean copies of the play.
- Yes, we do.
Okay.
Well, then let's get them out, shall we, and read.
Oh, it's been bloody good chatting to you, Mary.
And I hope your lumbago eases up so you can get yourself back to those bowls.
Yeah, righto.
See ya.
- She was a really nice lady.
- Phone bill, Woody.
I'm a chatty kind of guy, George.
Okay? Who's next? Yeah.
Kelly.
Mary Kelly.
Are you sure? Because, yeah, this is the number I have for her.
Well, a possible number, on a very long list.
- Hello? - (BEEPING) That was rude.
She hung up on me.
Right.
- (MOBILE RINGING) - Smiler's calling.
George, shut up.
Hey, mate.
What's up? Yeah, where are you? Um uh, just heading up to Monty's place, - like we talked about.
- Really? Doesn't sound like you're in a vehicle, the wind rushing in your hair Yeah, that's because I pulled over to talk to you, mate.
Is that so? Yeah, we really need to get some of that hands-free stuff.
That way we can drive and talk at the same time might be more efficient.
And I don't have to pull over every time we want to have a natter.
Why? Whereabouts are you, mate? Behind you.
Okay.
Um, when I proposed to Trace, I forgot that 17 years ago, when I was young bloke, living in Australia, I was already married.
And it didn't end well, so George is trying to help me find her so that I can get a divorce and then I can marry Trace.
I have only one thing to say to you.
That he should man up and tell Tracey? Why did you not come to me for help? Genealogy is my passion.
- But what about opera? - Alongside opera.
Gotcha.
If you want to find this woman, genealogy is the way, my friend.
Okay, great.
Great.
'Cause George's phone thing, it ain't working out.
Morning, Shay.
Plenty of ideal first homes if you're looking.
Oh, well, worth a crack.
- Why would we want to farm alpacas? - For the wool.
Sean, we're not going to suddenly start farming alpacas.
But, alpacas are enchanting animals.
- Aren't they? - Aren't what? Alpacas.
Enchanting.
With soulful eyes.
- Are they like llamas? - No! Llamas are ugly and brutish.
Ignore him.
Every time he has a bad day at work, he comes up with some harebrained scheme about what he could do instead.
But alpacas are the way, I tell you.
They are.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Ah, you go.
I gotta grab a couple more things.
- Hey, Siouxsie.
- Hi.
- How's your dad? - He's thinking of getting - solar power installed.
- Cool.
What does he think of alpacas? He's doesn't like them, ever since one bit him.
No, that would've been a llama.
No, it was an alpaca.
Right, that is $20.
60, thanks, love.
Um, this is all I have.
- I can get the rest.
- Er, no, no.
- I'll just put something back.
- Hey, look, it's sweet, I can get it.
I don't want your pity, okay? I don't want anything from you or your family, okay? Actually actually, you know what? I do.
An explanation, that'll be good.
It would be good to know why your son dumped me that would be good to know, because I, for one, have no freaking idea.
One minute we're all good and the next, he's off in, what? Just this weird, whacked out headspace and then suddenly it's all over.
I don't understand why.
You want to help me, Zac? Tell me why.
He's been through a pretty traumatic experience, okay? I know! I was there for him when he needed me, whatever he needed.
But instead instead, I just I just get dumped.
I've done nothing wrong.
Nothing! He said he loved me.
How does that work? That's not love.
That's I don't I don't know what that is.
I love all of your ideas You love the idea of me The thing is, Woody, to find the woman, we've got to find her parents, because the older you are, the bigger mark you leave on history.
Yeah, no, but I don't want to find her parents, mate.
They hated me.
They were the whole reason we got married and we ran away.
- (MOBILE RINGING) - They just really hated my guts.
Hello? George, Brenda here from the SuperStore.
Um, look, we've got a bit of a, um - Situation.
- problem down here.
I guess it's the freshness, the intensity of young love that makes it hurt so much when love dies.
There's no precedent, so no way of knowing how to deal with it.
Well, that was epic.
Is Zac still out there? He's not sure what to do but he wants to hang around until he knows you're okay.
The curse of being a nice guy, I guess.
And I shouted at him.
Yeah, you did.
Which is why he's confused.
Brenda gave us these, in case we're in here for a while.
I can't go back out there.
Figured as much.
You don't have to stay.
I like the cold.
And the quiet.
My best guess is that you deal with the pain of a young love put to the sword by taking a deep breath, so you can keep moving, trying to hold on to your dignity as best you can.
"Have saints not lips, and holy palmers, too?" "Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
" "O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do! "They pray.
Grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
" "Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
" "Then move not while my prayers' effect I take.
" - "He kisses her.
" - (CLASS GROANS) Okay, I'll stop you there.
But you see how Shakespeare built a sonnet or a love poem into the - (LAUGHTER) - Something funny, Jared? Hey, Turner.
Your sister went mental at the SuperStore.
and suddenly it's all over.
Instead, I just get dumped.
And we may have reached bottom.
Hey, George.
Pull up a beer.
There's heaps to choose from.
I'll probably just grab my daughter and go, actually.
Or you could do that.
We should hang in here more often.
You want to talk about this here or should we go home where it's a little bit warmer? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Yeah, but I think we should.
Is he still out there? Zac? Yeah, but I suspect he's a bit more embarrassed about this than you are.
Oh, I so doubt that.
Then there's everyone else who probably thinks I'm a freak.
No, they don't.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they do.
- Shay, I'm sure they understand - what you're going through.
- Then they're way ahead of me.
I hate this.
Feeling like this.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, we've had fights before and we've broken up before, and that sucked.
But this is way, way worse.
You must think I'm nuts.
Not at all.
Raving at people.
Your mother was the same.
Well, not in front of you guys.
She was very careful about that.
But every now and then, when she reached boiling point, when someone crossed her path or wronged her No way.
One Christmas Eve, we had to go to a shopping mall because I'd forgotten a present that a certain little girl absolutely had to have, so things were a bit tense, even before we started circling the nine levels of hell that was the car park.
And then this guy in a Range Rover jumped into this parking space that we'd seen first.
And your mother was out of the car and yelling at him through the window.
And it was an epic rant.
It covered everything from inconsiderate driving to his smug sense of entitlement, to, somehow, the deforestation of the Amazon rainforest, for which he was also somehow responsible.
And? And he saw the error of his ways and went off to find another park.
And Laura got back in the car and burst into tears.
That's not really anything like me today, though, is it? But it's a good story.
Can we get out of here, before we freeze to death? Thank you.
Sorry.
It's okay.
Don't worry that she was a bit short.
Yeah, yeah, her parents owned heaps of buildings.
All over the place.
Yeah, both deceased.
Yeah.
Yeah, they were getting on a bit.
Every time the old man used to go off at me, I used to think his ticker was going to explode.
And they've got one daughter.
- That's her! - Yeah, but her name's not Mary.
Oh, bugger! It's Rosemary.
Rosemary Kelly.
That's her! I thought you said her name was Mary.
It is.
Rose-Mary.
Everyone else called her Rose, I called her 'Mary' because of all the Marys in the Bruce Springsteen songs.
Yeah, we loved Bruce, mate.
'Mary Queen of Arkansas', 'Mary's Place', plus, of course, the famous Mary from 'Thunder Road'.
Oh, mate.
Mate, her and I, we danced up a storm to that one.
Which is as it should be.
But should I ask why you have set up some sort of command and control centre in the Johnsons' bach? Because Woody has married an Aussie, in a young-love-rush-of-blood-to-the-head way and, well, he forgot that when he asked Tracey.
So for him to get married again would be illegal.
Indeed.
So it's just a matter of finding her and just getting - a quickie divorce.
- Without Tracey finding out.
Ideally, yeah, yeah.
George reckons that we should just tell her.
- That could go very badly.
- Thank you.
Our thoughts exactly.
Give me what you've got and I can track her by day's end.
(BELL RINGS) Okay, we'll continue this discussion, about the actual play, next time we meet.
- Okay.
She's not replying.
- Well, if she's seen it, she's probably flushed her phone down the toilet.
- Yeah, okay, I should go home.
- Not like we have anything else.
- Do you not have another class? - No.
This is when we'd go to work experience at the restaurant, but since that shut down 'Cause of George Turner.
now we just hang here till the final bell.
Doing what? Usually Jared says stupid stuff and we mock him.
- Shut up.
- No, no.
That's no good.
I'm going to go.
I'll see you later.
Dad, I get that food is your go to thing to making us feel better, but I'm really not hungry anymore.
Okay, but if there's anything you want To rewind time so I never left the house this morning? Beyond my powers.
Sorry.
- Hey, Arlo.
- Hey.
- Hey, how you doing? - Ah, your sister had a bit of a rough - morning this morning.
- Yeah, I know.
I saw.
- What? - No.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Sorry, I'm lost.
There were these stupid girls in the SuperStore and they Tell me they didn't.
- They did.
- Did what? - You're a meme.
- A what? Here.
(BEEPING) He said he loved me and Stop it, please.
- Please just stop it.
- Is that on the internet? - Yes, Dad.
- Well, we have to delete that.
No, no, once it's out there, you can't get it back.
Wake me up when we move to another planet.
I mean, or you can just get over it.
Excuse me? I know it sucks but, it's done.
Right? I mean, that is you bottoming out.
So, I don't know, isn't the next thing you need to do, like, change the narrative? Get things moving in an upward direction? Stirring speech, little bro.
She just needs time.
From what I see, what she needs is answers.
Hey, can I get a lift to work? Sure.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, that's okay, Arlo.
I was half expecting not to see you today.
- Oh, no, duty calls.
- Okay.
- How's your girl? - You've seen the internet.
No.
What about it? The kumara vine.
Yeah, she's not that good at the moment, actually.
That's to be expected.
In fact, I need to get home, so Sure.
Hey, tell her, you know, if she wants to talk to someone who's been through it Right.
Okay.
Oh, no! I don't mean you and me.
Although, actually No, it's not the same.
Sorry.
I just meant, you know, woman to woman, kinda thing.
Okay.
Okay, well, I'll pass that on.
Yeah.
Okay.
That just George! George! Well, I've got Constable Tom's on his way.
He's got news.
- About she whom we seek.
- Tom knows about it? - Yeah, he has news.
- Woody, does it occur to you that, at the rate the number of people who know about 'she whom we seek' is expanding, it's only a matter of time before Tracey hears about it? It's only the four of us, George.
Yeah, but there was only two this morning.
Nah, we're sweet.
Does the phrase 'the kumara vine' not mean anything to you? That's only for stuff that people know about.
This is secret.
- Yeah.
How's Shay, after today? - That, see? - That, that's the kumara vine.
- No, that's Twitter, actually.
- Really? - If I was your sidekick, you could stay at the bar all day while I took care of business.
I will take that on board when I make my decision.
Not that there's a decision to be made.
Ahh, but there will be.
I have news.
See? Don't ask me how because, strictly speaking, civil liberties were infringed in the process, but in the name of love.
I have two photos in this envelope of Rosemary Kellies.
Rosemary Kelly's what? - What? - Rosemary Kelly's what? Rosemary Kelly's house? Of two women named Rosemary Kelly.
Oh.
Sorry.
I misplaced the apostrophe.
- I thought it was clearly implied.
- Can we have a look at the photos? Oh! No, no, no.
That's not her.
Good.
I didn't want to have to break the news, she won't be out for six years.
Yeah, that's her.
I have an address and phone number.
Oh! Oh.
Hey.
Hello.
- I wasn't expecting to see you.
- I just popped by to have a drink with Katie and celebrate her first day.
- She's my new relief teacher.
- Oh, great.
- Oh, how is Shay, by the way? - You heard? - Can't keep a secret in this town.
- Yeah, that is true.
Yeah, she's at home, recuperating.
I was just dropping Arlo off at work.
Hey.
Any news on the wedding date, or the ring? We're working on it.
Aren't we? Yes, we are.
Actually, George and I were just about to jump in the surf and have a talk.
Weren't we, George? Well, I was going home to cook dinner for Shay Yeah, that first.
So we'll just quickly go and do that.
Sorry, babe, we've gotta bolt.
See ya.
(LAUGHTER) Sorry, mate.
I was freaking out that Mary was looking up at Tracey, through the envelope.
Can I add to the list of ways this could go wrong that you are clearly very bad at keeping secrets? Yeah, we should go and see how Shay is, eh? - Okay, but what if she does? - I don't know, Woody.
What if she likes being married, mate? Like, I don't know why Woody, Woody, Woody.
Shay is here.
Yeah, I know, that's why we came here.
And she doesn't know about the Oh.
Yeah, yep.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Hello? - Shay? - Shay! - She's not here.
- Okay, good, so back to my question.
What if Mary doesn't want a divorce, mate? I don't know, Woody.
You're going to have to talk to Mary first, before we - can answer those kind of questions.
- Yeah, true.
(MOBILE RINGING) Hey, Dad.
- Hey, just got home.
You're not here.
- Yeah, I kind of got sick of staring at the ceiling, so I went for a ride.
- Good, good.
That's a good thing.
- Yeah, I hope so.
Woody and I were thinking about going for a surf.
You don't need my permission, Dad.
I know.
Unless there's something you'd rather we did.
Dad, go surfing.
I'll see you at home.
- Oh, and, hey, I figured it out.
- What? Why you kind of don't get what I'm going through.
Well, it's not that I don't know how you feel, but It's okay, Dad.
You don't get it because you never got dumped, because Mum was your first love.
Then I do know how much it hurts.
Yeah.
I know.
Go surfing.
Hey, Shay.
It's okay, I'm not here to go crazy at you again.
- I didn't think you were.
- Sorry about that.
Again.
It's okay.
I totally know where you were coming from.
Yeah, well, that's more than me.
Ike! You can relax.
I'm not going to shout at you like I did your dad.
Well, probably not.
And I didn't come here to beg you to take me back or anything.
Yeah, I know.
Way too classy for that.
I don't feel classy right now.
I just want to know why.
Look, I'm sorry.
I haven't really explained myself very well.
Not even close.
That's because I don't I don't understand it myself.
Well, I still don't.
Then why? I thought we were doing some of our best work.
Look, we were.
But it was wrong of me, okay? If it's good, how is it wrong? When they pulled me out of the water, I needed to feel alive.
And the easiest way to do that was you.
- And so I used you - You didn't 'use' me, Ike.
I did.
We got back what we had and it was great.
Yes, but it's not Oh, man, it's not what they want me to do.
What 'they'? The people who spoke to me.
The ones who came to me when I was out there.
You were out there for hours, Ike.
You were hallucinating.
Nah, seemed pretty real to me.
Look, they gave me advice.
They told me how to live my life, and they gave me things to do.
Who did? Tangaroa? They were relatives.
Ancestors, and other people.
Dead people.
Yeah.
You can speak to dead people? No.
They told me the path I needed to take.
That if I survived, I need to walk it alone, if I want to find out what I truly want in life.
Which isn't me.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I don't know the answer to that.
But you can't do this thing with me walking with you.
Look, if I'm with you, Shay, I need to give you 100% because that's what you deserve.
And because I can't and I won't be able to, I don't want to lead you on.
Okay? Look, I'm sorry, but this is what I have to do.
Was I one of the people who visited you out there? No.
That says it all, doesn't it? Good luck, then.
Yeah, you too.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, I'm working.
Are you lot in for dinner? Yeah.
I spoke with Robbie today.
He asked after you.
That's nice.
Where is he? I've arranged for him to live in Auckland with relatives, where maybe he can start again.
Good for him.
I'll get you menus.
Can you deal with the McNamaras, please? - Yep, sure.
Are you okay? - Yes, I just don't need any more of Big Mac's passive-aggressive crap today, thanks.
- Stupid soup.
- Sorry? Billy is musing that if he'd taken his soup to school today, like he was meant to, then none of this would have happened.
We could get the Numpties into planning your wedding.
There's a lot of money to be made in wedding planning, Billy.
You're enjoying tormenting me, aren't you? A little bit.
I'm not sure I want Jared McNamara anywhere near my wedding.
to go to boarding school cut it out! Did someone say 'wedding'? Because I just decided we need to come round to your place tonight to start the planning and to drink wine.
Good! Great.
That's settled, then.
Hey.
I'll be back in just a sec to take your orders.
No.
You stay.
I want to know what your intentions are.
- To take your order? - With my daughter.
Dad, don't be an egg.
- To get in her pants.
- Shut up, Jared.
Shut up, Jared, or you are going back to boarding school.
Well? - Leave the boy alone, Bill.
- No, I've got a right to know.
Okay.
Um I I like Lindsay a lot.
We're just getting to know each other.
- In bed.
- Boarding school, Jared.
No, we're just - You know, we're having fun.
Right? - Yeah.
So there you have it, it's all a beautiful thing.
Also, it'll be good to get some of that fiery red in the family gene pool.
Okay, yeah, I'll get back to work.
Young love and, as it turns out, not so young love, is the living proof that being human is being, by nature, a masochist crossed with an optimist.
But love can also, and I do know this for a fact, turn you into a gibbering mess.
It's the fear.
I know you think that I should just tell her but, it's the fear of what might happen if I do, mate.
Like, what if she thinks, "Oh, if this is how seriously "this man's taking the whole marriage thing, "then why am I wasting my time with him?" - Tracey won't think that.
- And you know that for sure, do ya? Yeah, exactly! No, I just know that she won't think that.
Well, okay, then what was that pause for, then? - I was thinking about it.
- Yeah, exactly, mate! And she's gonna think about it as well.
And if there's one thing I know about Trace, it's that when she starts thinking, mate, she does not stop until she's thought it all the way through.
And I don't want to take that chance that when she gets to wherever it is all that thinking's going to take her, the next thing that happens is me being shown the door.
Look, Woody, Tracey loves you.
She gets you.
Gets that I'm a great big bloody idiot who forgot he's already married.
Oh, yeah, what a catch.
Nah.
Nah, I can't take that chance.
Better make that call, then, eh? Is it too late for you to take up that scholarship thing? Yeah, it is this year.
But maybe you could go up to Auckland early and get a job, - earn yourself some bucks for school.
- Trying to get rid of me? Nah.
No way.
Just wondering if you could do with a change of scenery.
Nah, what I need to do, I need to do here.
If you say so.
Just trying to help, that's all.
Yeah, but you can't really.
That's why I called someone who can.
(HORN HONKING) - No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
I told her on the phone you were okay.
But I'm not really, am I? Come here, you.
What the hell were you thinking, losing our boy in the middle of the ocean like that, huh? It has emerged from its cave.
This is me, changing the narrative.
Any more heartfelt words of advice, little bro? - Someone has to do tough love.
- Who wants tough love? Tough love sucks, when compared to ice cream.
Wow.
Ice cream for a broken heart that's not cliche.
Wow, a younger brother who thinks he is wise but is actually just annoying.
That's not cliched.
Actually, ice cream sounds really good about now.
Fine, I didn't want ice cream anyways.
- I went to see Ike.
- And? And I think he might be even more messed up than I am.
Well, he has always been big on the deep and meaningfuls.
And he really has some stuff to work through.
But he doesn't want you by his side while he does.
He made that pretty clear, yeah.
Man, I am such an idiot.
No, you're not.
Unless you don't eat this ice cream, then, yeah, you are, 'cause this is really good.
Why do I just let him get to me like that? Because he's a nice guy and nice guys get in like that? They're very sneaky.
Meanwhile, I end up feeling like a complete drip.
Is that fair? No.
You know what? - What? - Screw him.
If he wants to go on some spiritual journey or whatever, that's fine.
But no way am I going to sit around and wait until he realises he gave up the best thing in his life and comes crawling back.
And amen to that.
I don't need him.
'Cause I have vanilla flavoured ice cream.
Don't jump, little boy Don't jump off that roof You've got your whole life ahead of you Love young, old, new, gone is an absolute bugger of a thing to survive, let alone to find yourself in that rarer situation where it thrives and prospers.
And it is definitely something you can't expect to do on your own.
You need friends and allies and families to keep you moving, keep hope alive, and to pick up the pieces when it all turns to custard.
And you need these people around you the most when love, as it does, throws a great big spanner in the works.
Okay.
I can do this.
So, the whole secret thing's going well, then.
I'm here on official business.
I needed to consult Sean on gleaning the correct marriage annulment paperwork.
Fear not, because I keep more secrets than anyone in this town.
And not until my deathbed will I reveal those secrets.
I just saw all the cars outside and wondered what was going on.
But mum's the word.
This is never going to work.
Tell her.
No! This is a fellowship, bound together, to complete this task! Like 'Lord of the Rings'.
Except without the wargs and so forth.
Make the call, Woody.
So that we can get it done and get on with the actual - wedding planning.
- The people have spoken, mate.
Yeah, except not saying the right thing to the right person.
And that is duly noted.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) Yeah, G'day.
Uh, hello? G'day, Mary.
Ah, no one calls me Mary anymore, mate.
I go by Rose.
I thought you hated that name.
I, um I got used to it.
Hello, Jeff.
People usually call me 'Woody'.
Woody Woodson? Usually just Woody.
Right.
Funny how we've got different names now, even though we're still married.
Yeah, I guess.
That's actually why I've tracked you down.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Um, I'm getting married again.
And, um, that means I need to divorce you, which means that I need you to sign some papers.
Um yeah.
Do you have my address? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Okay, then, just bring them with you.
Sorry? Well, if you want me to sign them, then you have to bring them here.
Um, why? Because that's the only way I'll do it.
(BEEP) (BEEPING) Well? Yeah.
Bit of a complication, I'm afraid.
- One little secret.
- I cannot marry her - on account of the fact that.
- Woody?! - I'm already married.
- Is about to become one big mess.
I'm gettin' married again.
I need to divorce you.
Over two massive weeks Hello, Jeff.
He will have to choose Do you still love him? Everybody loves Woody.
New 800 Words, next Tuesday.