Abbott Elementary (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Good morning. Good morning.
[GASPS] Good morning.
Good morning, Mrs. Howard.
- Tariq.
- Huh?
What are you doing here?
Janine's down at the district now.
Dang, she moved to D.C.?
And take your presumably
sticky hands off of my student.
You mean take my definitely
sticky hands off of my son.
To quote Maury Povich,
you are not the father.
And to quote the hip-hop
legend Shaquille O'Neal,
his biological didn't bother.
See, I've been dating his mama
for like seven weeks,
so technically,
I'm a stepdaddy right now.
Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?
That is not his name.
Hey, have a good day at school, TJ.
I love you, son.
- He just like me.
- [CHUCKLES]
I guess this technically
makes you, like,
my stepteacher now, right?
That's cool. That's cool.
- Tariq
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Play-Doh.
Mm-hmm.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
♪
My fellowship at the school
district is going great.
I'm still getting the lay of the land.
I just finished helping out
with our team's
emergency generator plans,
which was right up my alley
because I'm afraid
of all natural disasters.
[CHUCKLES]
Of which there will be scores
in our lifetime.
I also love to hang out
by the water cooler.
Uh, no gossip yet,
but I'm super hydrated
and actually need to wrap this up
so that I can pee before
my big presentation, so
And this is why I'm proposing
an educational interpreter
for a hard-of-hearing student
at Abbott Elementary
using the Specialized Services Fund.
This was brought to my attention
by Mr. Jacob Hill,
a teacher over at Abbott.
We're well aware of Mr. Hill.
He's submitted his résumé several times
at the behest of no one.
[CHUCKLES]
His student her name
is Imani is making do.
You know, Mr. Hill
knows some sign language,
but we could be doing more.
So this project is for just one kid?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
Follow the guidelines,
and it's approved.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Thank you.
[SQUEALS] Oh, my God!
How fast do you think we can get
an interpreter down here?
The good news is,
that's completely up to you.
Oh, my God. I pick tomorrow.
No, I pick today.
SIMON: Whoa, that's ambitious.
[CHUCKLES]
Just a heads up,
since it is only for one kid,
you gotta do all the approvals
and paperwork
and hiring yourself.
It won't be easy, so, uh good luck.
"Taken," right?
I didn't think you'd get that.
What a fun movie.
Well, Janine doesn't need luck.
She has a special set of skills.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Roads? Where we're going,
we don't need roads.
- That's not from "Taken."
- No, I know.
I thought we were just
doing lines from movies.
'Cause I love "Taken," right?
"Aw, man, they took my daughter!"
I haven't seen it,
but I should work on this.
- Go get 'em.
- Thanks.
Yo, my man Mr. Eddie eating his lunch.
Bro be eating salad.
Yo, Mr. Eddie,
does eating vegetables
help you get the ladies?
It's got to. You be getting mad females.
More vegetables, more females. Bet.
That's what you tellin' us, Mr. Eddie?
I've literally said nothing.
[LAUGHTER]
Nah, bro, that's low-key genius.
More greens
TOGETHER: more girls!
[LAUGHTER]
First, it was one or two of them
coming in every once in a while.
Now others have joined,
and it's every day.
I found out Mr. Morton's
been using his classroom
for lunchtime couples therapy,
so they have nowhere else to hang.
I wish the Mortons understood
the collateral damage
their relationship is causing.
Mr. Eddie, do you think the Orioles
[FARTING]
[LAUGHTER]
Well, that's what happens, hon.
Hey. Look who it is.
I forgot to mention
that Tariq is now the father
of one of the students in my class.
You know, I got so good
at ignoring Janine,
I never noticed she was pregnant.
That child does not have a child.
Tariq is just dating
the student's mother.
- Ah.
- TARIQ: Hey, Mrs. Howard.
Hey, mean Italian lady.
Tariq, you cannot keep
showing up here unannounced.
Okay, but it's an emergency.
I accidentally took TJ's lunch
and I gave him mine,
so I'mma just switch
these out real quick.
Take that from you, Playboy.
Thank you. And I'm out of your hair.
That is a Lunchable.
And it is delicious.
All right, have a good day, Junior.
You're not my dad!
[CHUCKLES] That boy hilarious.
And he get that from me. Bye, y'all.
Mm, mm!
So, I figured out how to make
this ASL interpreter happen.
All I need to do is find
some qualified candidates,
interview them, fill out this paperwork,
then do a background check,
followed by an employment verification
and then a compatibility check.
And right after I talk to accounting
and run it through HR.
And not fall behind
on any of my other work, so
You're looking for accounts payable.
We're accounting. You need
to go down to the third floor.
My B. [CHUCKLES]
These aren't notarized,
and you're gonna need to get
a background check completed
and approved by HR
before we can sign off.
Not a problem. Thank you.
[HUMMING]
Uh, unh-unh. This isn't notarized yet.
Well, see, the notary went out to lunch,
so I figured I'd just come to you first.
Okay, you're gonna need to see
Emily to make an official request.
All right. On my way to Emily.
Emily!
EMILY: No problem.
All I have to do is stamp
the word "official" on it.
Okay, great.
But I can't find my stamp,
so just get this notarized,
and in 24 hours to 8 weeks,
you'll get the most recent directory,
and I'll probably have found my stamp.
Great news.
So I went back to HR
and they told me to see
the woman in office 237,
and she'll be able
to help me with everything.
So this is my office.
Okay. Damn it.
Hello, Janine.
Oh! What the hell?!
I cannot believe you have
a picture of Gregory
in your desk drawer.
You thought you did
for a second. [CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
I'm here with a demand.
You mean a request.
I need a company card.
A card, or a car?
- Card?
- No.
- Car?
- No, also, no.
Ava, please, please.
I'm busy trying to get an ASL
translator for Jacob's class.
Oh! I'll hire one for you.
I'll put it on the company card.
You are not getting a company card.
What is the point of having
you here as my mole
- if you can't even
- I'm not a mole!
Yeah. More like a pimple.
And I'm more important than
whatever you're doing for Jacob.
I am trying to help one of his students.
Well, I'm gonna hit the break room
and get another one of these
free fancy bubbly waters.
We don't have bubbly waters for fr
Did you take that out
of the communal fridge?
I brought this from home.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey! I love these random pop-ins.
Really helps fill the
Janine-sized hole in my heart.
Well, this isn't a social visit.
I need you to keep your kids
out of my class.
Mm, pretty sure all my kids
are in my class,
but also, it's not currently class.
I mean during lunchtime.
And on my free period and after school
and any non-work-related time, okay?
They come into my class and they loiter.
Loiter? That feels racially charged.
They sit on top of the desks.
They eat their little snack packs,
and then they talk nonstop.
- They're
- Okay, okay, easy. I'm sorry, I just
I don't see what the big problem is.
I didn't want to have to say this
but a considerable amount
of gas was passed.
Did you actually hear it,
because, you know, whoever smelt it
I need them to hang out
literally anywhere else.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Are you saying that in their free time,
these kids are voluntarily choosing
to come into your classroom?
You're beginning to understand
the gravity of the situation now.
Oh, my God! Don't you see?
See what?
Gregory
you're the cool teacher.
What?
- No.
- Yeah! You're cool.
No, I'm not.
- You are.
- No. Take it back.
Farrah's birthday is coming up,
and I already know what I'm getting her.
A new chain for me.
Wait. What?
Think about it, man.
She'll get to have a boyfriend,
but with a new chain.
Oh, yeah. Guess that makes sense.
Farrah's gonna love it.
Back me up, Mr. Eddie.
I will not. She's not gonna love it.
It's a gift for you, not for her.
What?
I'm giving her status,
the world's greatest currency.
Well, hold on. Let's hear him out.
We know Mr. Eddie's roster
is strong. Right, Mr. Eddie?
True.
Okay, um, I do not have a "roster."
As a grown man?
[SIGHS] Sorry to hear that.
I don't call it that
because I am a grown man.
Listen, you guys are young, right?
Don't buy a new chain,
and don't worry about girls.
Just focus on school,
and I promise you, later,
you will have plenty of time
to think about girls.
Trust me.
Yes, the position's been approved,
and we think you'd make a
great fit for Mr. Hill's class.
Well, no, it's not full-time.
No, you you wouldn't qualify
for health benefits.
Again, no, but there is
so much street parking.
You Hello?
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's all this going?
Well, to be honest,
I'm I'm having a little bit
of trouble
finding someone who would do it
for the hours and the pay.
SIMON: Yeah, that's the way it goes.
District protocol makes most
of these projects fizzle out.
Whoa, it sounds way worse
when he says it.
I mean, what he's saying is true.
It just sounds worse when he says it.
It's okay if you can't do it.
Oh [CHUCKLES]
Uh, you guys aren't
familiar with my game.
Uh, I-I-I-I get it.
You know, it's the district.
It's the big leagues.
But I'm the Big Teagues.
The Big Teagues?
Yeah, so
Uh, yeah, I'm working on that and this,
so I'll figure them both out.
[SIGHS]
You know, uh, I thought we
could watch "Set It Off" later?
Maybe? Yeah?
My daddy showed it to me
when I was way too young,
so I thought I would do
the same for you, TJ, huh?
BARBARA: Good morning. Good morning.
You know, everybody who has ever met me
has loved me, Mrs. Howard,
but I don't think TJ does.
That's not true, Tariq.
He does love me?
Look, what exactly are you
trying to accomplish here?
Well, you know, I might end up
being his common-law dad
if I common-law marry his mom,
so I would like to connect with
him so we could be a family for real
under the common law.
Well, then you're going to have
to establish a genuine
relationship with him.
At the start of every school year,
it usually takes me a few weeks
to connect with the students,
and I start by using their names.
So you might consider calling him Nick.
Mm, I don't think it's a good idea
to be making up names for the boy.
You know, it might confuse little TJ.
Nick is his actual name.
It is?
You Good morning.
Okay, Mrs. Howard. All right.
- Yeah, everyone's good.
- Mm.
The kids think Gregory's
cool now, which
I'm so glad that I'm secure
enough that it doesn't bother me
that it's him and not me.
That's good because usually
Yeah, I am not threatened at all.
Anyways, how is it going
down at the district?
Tell me everything.
[CHUCKLES] Um you know, they're good.
It's good.
Except
I am having a little bit of trouble
getting the ASL interpreter.
And I'm gonna fight through it
the way I always do,
but I don't know
it's just a different beast over there.
Don't Don't Don't stress about it.
Imani's parents helped her
to get a better speech-to-text program,
my ASL is getting better, so
I can fill in the gaps.
Yeah, we are managing.
And believe me
I know how the district is.
Yeah, but I am the district now,
and I was a teacher,
so I get how big this can be.
We'll be good no matter what, I promise.
It's okay.
All right, well, thanks for saying that.
We have so many important things
to juggle at the district.
I'm learning you just have
to prioritize your time.
I don't know. I-I-I wish
I could get the interpreter
but
I just hate that feeling.
And
Uh-oh, Mr. C recapping
one of his boring shows again?
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Let me guess his stories
about Martin Short are Martin long.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
All right, y'all go to class.
- Did you see that?
- Yes, and, you know,
I really think
they would respect me more
if you wouldn't make
so many jokes at my expense.
I was talking about Imani.
Why she so late on all my jokes?
Oh, it's her hearing aid.
It has issues when
she's in a group setting,
and so she uses her tablet,
which, you know,
takes a second to transcribe.
But you can't learn on a tape delay.
And I must be experienced live.
I thought Janine was helping
with all of this.
I think it just got too hard.
For Janine? The person who got
a commercial driver's license
so she could drive a bus
in case someone went down?
Hell no.
Ah, if it isn't Joe Cool.
[CHUCKLES]
We missed you at the bar last night.
I had a few too many Aperol spritzes.
I might need to take a nap-erol spritz.
You stole that joke
from Janine, didn't you?
What, are you the comedy police now?
[SOBBING] I hate you Mr. Eddie!
Sweetheart, what is the matter?
Mr. Eddie told Javon
that he should break up with me!
No, no, no, no, no. I did not say that.
Well, what did you say?
Um, Javon was talking
about getting a new chain,
so I told him that he should
just, you know, focus on school.
He was gonna buy a new chain?!
Okay, are you kidding me?!
We've been trying to get Javon
to buy a new chain for months.
The old one made him like a gavone.
We finally had him convinced
it was his idea.
The devil's got her. Be gone, Satan!
I'mma get my holy mop water. [SOBBING]
There, there, sweetheart.
Let's go plot our revenge.
Gregory Eddie, is no woman safe
from your incompetence
with the opposite sex?
Mm!
Well, Gregory? Is no?
Is no what?
Exactly.
I gotta go
Farrah gonna be fine. Chill.
She hates you, bro.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, come on, man.
[SIGHS]
MR. JOHNSON: Yeah, yeah,
that sounds good to me.
I'm going someplace
more private right now.
No, you're not.
You just made me hang up
on a Nigerian prince!
Why are you in my classroom?
'Cause it's the only one
that's not bugged.
Why are you in here hiding, anyway?
Unfortunately, I have
become the cool teacher.
[LAUGHS]
Are you done?
[LAUGHS]
The kids keep coming in here
and talking about things
that I just don't feel
comfortable weighing in on.
Join the club. You think
I want you coming up to me
asking for advice all the time?
- I don't do that.
- Please.
Just think where you'd be
if it weren't for me
- Dead.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Hey, where do you get off?
I got all these girls
coming to me for advice,
I'm managing a million
pre-teen relationships,
and you go and torpedo everything.
Look, I didn't want
any part of this, okay?
They came in and they asked me.
They They came to you?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Like you're some kind of
cool teacher or something?
[LAUGHING] I'm just as perplexed as you.
I thought the kids coming
in here and farting was bad,
but I see it can be a lot worse.
He doesn't want to be cool.
Says 'cause he hates kids.
You'd think a man who's been
given a second chance at life
might want to pay it forward.
Okay, I don't hate kids.
I just don't want
the responsibility, okay?
And I like my alone time.
Okay, that's fine.
You don't have to do it.
I mean, they're not your kids.
- Right, e-exactly.
- Yeah.
I teach first graders.
That's what I'm here to do.
And the way I look at it is,
I am here for the kids.
But if you want to go ahead
and hide out in here,
go ahead and do it.
Either way, you owe us a chain, Fonzie.
Glad I could help Gregory with
his problem-filled life yet again,
but I'm about to become
real rich real quick.
Why am I leaving?
- Wait.
- That's what you're hung up on?
She was taken by U2?
I really need to see this movie.
It's unbelievable.
[COUGHING] Janine! Janine!
If you could just excuse
me for a minute. Thanks.
Ava, now is not a good time.
I don't need to schedule
a meeting to see my mole.
I am not your mole.
Way to keep your cover, girl.
Look, you have got to get
that ASL interpreter.
Little Imani is missing out in class,
and even worse,
she's missing all my zingers.
Look, I mean, I-I tried,
but it was taking me away from things,
important things
that they need my input on,
and, you know, the interpreter
just seemed impossible.
Us being friends
acquaintances was impossible,
but you made that happen.
This is different.
There's really just too much red tape.
That's no excuse.
Look, I got our 8th graders
a field trip to GameStop.
I let somebody bring
their pet alligator to school.
Ava Fest is a fire hazard.
I've risked everyone's lives,
and I will do so again,
because that's what we do for our kids.
Yeah. Now while you're
mulling that over,
I have other business to discuss.
I'm in need of some assistants.
- Assistance with what?
- No.
- I need two assistants.
- Get out.
Fine.
Tariq has a son in Barbara's class.
[CHUCKLES] Bye!
Here we go. That's right.
Bye-bye, darling. Do that homework, now.
All right, Nick.
It's time to pack up your things, Nick.
You get to choose
where we're eating tonight,
as long as you say Bahama Breeze.
I'm just playin', Nick.
We could do a picnic.
You get to pick, Nick.
It's your call, man. Come on.
Yeah.
That's a good start, Tariq.
It's actually Nick Sr. now.
[CHUCKLES] You know what?
Your advice goes harder
than that thang, Mrs. Howard.
You know what?
Yes, it does, Tariq. But I must ask
will the child's mother ever
be dropping off and picking up?
No, no, no, no.
She works crazy hours, you know?
Somebody gotta pay the bills.
I barely ever see her.
So you'll be here
Yeah, twice a day
for the rest of the year,
or until, you know, I find a job
or meet somebody else.
So I'll be seeing you every day.
Why, you don't think
I could meet somebody else?
You don't get to choose the parents
or stepparents of the children
that you teach.
But they say it takes a village
and sometimes, there's a Tariq
in your village.
- Yo.
- Hey.
You still hitting that brick wall?
[SIGHS] Yeah.
Yeah
Last year, a mom wrote me
a letter asking
if we could get a crossing guard
at 52nd and Lancaster.
I know that intersection.
Oh, my ex got hit there like four times.
- You see? He knows it's dangerous.
- Yeah.
So after I read that letter
I went through every proper channel,
and I just kept coming up empty.
But remember that we brought you here
because of your creative
problem-solving skills.
The district never asks
how you did something,
and look
you just gotta get it done.
It's worth it.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
I'm guessing you're going to be late?
Yes, but I also need to ask you
something off the record.
Is this about you being
Ava's mole at the district?
I am not Ava's mole!
Way to keep your cover, girl.
I need you to send me
the contact information
for Imani's parents.
Your door's open?
Yes.
And if you still wanna
hang out in here, you can.
But we're gonna do it with boundaries.
Number one
I don't wanna hear anything
about your relationships
or the word "females".
Deal. Your advice sucked.
Fair enough.
Also, we're not just gonna
sit around here and do nothing.
We're gonna be productive.
Can we still fart, though?
If you must.
[SIGHS] Good, 'cause I just did.
[ALL GROAN]
Sometimes big places
make it hard to get small things done.
So to find the answer,
I had to get out of my office,
stop filling out paperwork,
and go out on my own.
I thought about how much the
district hates bad publicity,
and somehow word got to Imani's parents
that if they gently threatened
to go to a reporter
who has a bone to pick
with the district,
we might see speedier results.
And voilà.
All of a sudden, Imani has a
qualified ASL interpreter at Abbott.
It's that last bit of effort
that no one expects
that tends to mean the most.
We don't get paid to care
but we do it anyway.
So the female stigma collects pollen.
You said "females".
[LAUGHTER]
We do it for our co-workers,
our friends
and we do it for the kids.
We do it for ourselves, too, I guess,
because much like Liam Neeson
in "Taken" 1, 2, and 3,
we kinda can't help it.
Still haven't seen any of them,
by the way.
Hey. Uh, could I get a word
with you, Your Honor?
You may approach the bench.
Okay, so, you know,
with my firstborn son
coming here and everything,
I think it's a good time
for me to step up,
and, you know, start a PTA.
You, Tariq, want to start
a Parent Teacher Association?
No, no, no, no.
Uh, a Parent Tariq Alliance, actually.
But what you said sounds good.
We should just call it that
and get people in the
Oh, damn. Here go my childless ex.
Janine, don't be trying to spin
the block on me today, okay?
I got a family now.
I am here for work.
Yeah, more like working her way
back into your life.
Exactly, period. [CHUCKLES]
So, uh, with me being
a new father and everything,
I was thinking, what if I start a PTA?
No. Ava, the Parent Tariq
Alliance cannot happen, okay?
- What
- No.
I see why you broke up with her.
Not what happened.