Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e03 Episode Script

Mum! Mum! Help, help, help! Stop! This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode That would never have happened, darling, if this room had been a little bit bigger.
Nobody I know has cupboards like this any more.
You know I need another room, really, don't I? What's through here? Serge's room.
- What's through here? - My room.
- What are you thinking? - How little space I've got in here.
- Nobody I know lives in a house this small.
- No.
It's so sordid, darling, to have to get dressed in THIS room.
Sleep, dress, sleep, dress.
It's so kind of 70s to have clothes draped all over the place.
Look at them here, all hanging limp in this flimsy wardrobe.
No! All just waiting to be worn, all cramped in there and uncared for.
Darling battery clothes, sweetie.
I lie awake at night sometimes just thinking about those clothes standing there.
They're hassling me, darling.
Look, "Why don't you put me on, wear me!" Year in and year out, darling, thinking about There are some clothes that are so far back they may never see the light of day again.
All just hanging there like old skins.
Shed and shedded.
I am forced to sleep with these corpses.
- Darl - Absolutely not! The only thing I could find.
It's all creased and Stop it! I will not be annexed.
I need my bedroom.
- What about that gorgeous attic? - No! - We'll get designers in.
- No! - I'll pay you.
- NO! Darling, I want a walk-in wardrobe! - There is Serge's room.
He's not here.
- Yeah, but what if he came back? - I thought he did come back.
- No, that wasn't him.
- That wasn't him, darling.
- Well, who was it? You know those door-to-door unemployed they send round Oh, yeah, fantastic.
It was one of those, darling.
Look, it was an easy mistake to make.
- Anyway, he didn't fool me for long.
- Long enough to get a car and a job in TV.
He's the new boy on "The Word", the one that looks like a pitbull.
And the brains to match.
It was an easy mistake to make, you hadn't seen him for six years.
Six years, six years, how dare you, darling! Six years, is it, is it? One punishes you by leaving, the other punishes us all by staying.
- It's been six years.
- No one's been in that room since he left.
I have never been in it.
He never let me in.
Tried to get him when he was 13 to paint it black and scatter beanbags everywhere, but no.
Changed the locks.
- You got that key, darling? - No.
Use the shorter one.
- Oh! - Ugh! - Oh, God, it's a bit rank in here.
- It always smelled like this.
Boys' rooms have got a sexy smell.
They smell like a ripening tuck box.
Yeah! Oh, look at this, my son's room, my son's room.
My son, my lovely, lovely son.
It's funny, isn't it? That "mother-son thing".
It's not like you and me, darling.
It's a mother-son thing.
With a mother and a son the cord is never really cut, darling.
- He's not coming back, Mum.
- It may be stretched to the limit, but at any moment, when he least expects it, it will catapult him back across the ocean.
Umbililical whiplash! My gorgeous son, my son, my lovely, lovely son.
You're so beautiful, Mum.
All the boys at school can't believe you're my mother.
One day when I'm older, I'd like to take you out to dinner.
- San Lorenzo's.
- Yes.
Just you.
And I, Mother.
I'll pay.
- Well, who's that? - That's him.
I thought that was jimmy Osmond.
- It won't take long to clear this lot out.
- It can go in the attic.
- Yeah.
What is all this, anyway? - Dandy, Boy's Own Razzle.
- Razzle? - I never knew he - Razzle? Razzle? What year? - '72.
- Month?! - January.
- That's fine.
- Let's have a look.
- Disgusting! I think we should throw it away.
- Let me just see it.
"Disgusting"! Oh, my God.
Oh, my Gawd.
- Look at that, don't look at that.
- It's so degrading to women.
- What do you mean? She's got the whip.
- Yeah.
I think we should throw this away.
Mum, those are my friends.
I'll be working downstairs, so shall I take it and throw it out? I can throw it out, darling.
I can throw it out, darling.
- Look at that.
It's like porn, isn't it? - It's just sex, nothing to get uptight about.
I know.
It's always made me sort of anxious.
I'm not like you.
You can just do it.
You've always been like a vessel waiting to be filled up.
I'm not like that, you know.
I can't just disconnect myself and become a sort of exploitable object of no value.
I can't do that.
It's just sex, Eddie.
I mean, you used to do it sometimes, didn't you? - Well, yeah, in the sixties.
- The sixties, yeah.
- The odd flirtation with the big "O".
- Yeah, the Pill, happenings, orgies - Orgies? - Oh, yeah, babe.
- Was I there? - Oh, yeah, Eddie.
Remember? No.
- I know everyone thinks we're like - Specky, four-eyed swots.
"Bicycle face" is what I get.
We must make it clear that this is just a fun lecture in film, about genetics and ethics.
And hey, it would be great if you came.
- Maybe we should make the title catchier.
- Like? Oh uhm Oh, no, I nearly had one.
"Gen etics Ethics.
" - That's just shorter, isn't it? - Yeah.
- "Gentics"? - No, that's just stupid.
"Genetics and Ethics" is quite catchy.
Sort of says it, doesn't it? Darling, I've spent a fortune in my life trying to get in touch with my sexual being.
Don't you remember I spent that week celebrating my private parts? I've work-shopped them, painted them, drawn them.
Treated them to a three- course meal in a restaurant of their choice.
Yet we are still as strangers.
Still, I'm not entirely unhappy about that.
I'm not the sort of woman who wants to spend an afternoon squatted over a small hand mirror.
For God's sake, I've seen doctors go pale.
All you have to do is to find someone, go out with them, have a few drinks and That's all right for you.
I'm not interested in any of the people I get offers from, anyway.
I'd rather die than go out with some short, grey-haired, aftershaved, Armani-spectacled 50-year-old executive with a manicure, darling.
It would be all right if it was just sort of, you know like Razzle.
- It could be fixed.
We can get you a man.
- How? Pay.
- Pay? - Yeah, everyone's doing it.
- You just rent a man, do you? - Rent two, we'll make a night of it.
We should discuss the, I was going to say "radicalisation", but that's American.
"At this moment in time".
"To boldly be" Eh"To go boldly beyond what man has gone before.
" - You want a drink before we go, darling? - Yeah, fantastic, sweetie.
- Bolli? - Cocktail.
- What, Bolli Stoli? - OK.
- Next, we should discuss sex determination.
- That's us! And imagine the nightmare scenario if parents could choose the child they wanted.
- God, she doesn't see the irony.
- What? Nothing, darling, nothing.
Actually, darling Darling, sweetheart.
Hello, Mother.
Darling, darling.
- When are you doing this genetethics thing? - Tomorrow night.
Why? No reason.
- It doesn't give us long enough.
- Long enough! - Shall I get them? - No, I know someone who can get them.
All you have to do is decide the type of man you want.
I don't want big muscley ones, they've got small privates.
- You want a tight butt.
- But I'm not having a hairy back.
- Would you mind going? - Darling, I live here.
So long as I'm living in this house there's a rule: Don't ever embarrass me in front of my friends.
Here you are, babes.
That wasn't me, that wasn't me.
- Get out! - It was her.
- We must find someone you'll never meet again.
- That could be any man I've ever been out with.
I think we should just throw this away.
- Where do people get those things, anyway? - You can get them at I don't know.
- You off to bed, darling, are you? - In a minute.
I think we should have a little talk, don't you? Have you seen this, darling? Nancy Friday.
It's extraordinary.
She gets complete strangers to relate their filthiest thoughts and sells them as therapy.
What are you planning for tomorrow? - I'm not - I want to know! It's simply the extrication of myself from the burden of sexual norms, and the restoration of my own powerful and integrated sexuality.
- An orgy? - Yeah, that's the one.
Why? What do you mean "why"? Just because I've got to do it sometime, darling, haven't I? I know you think I've lived this debauched and crazed life, but I haven't really.
Sex was, you know, never really my thing.
I always felt so guilty when I was young.
I always felt my mother was watching me.
Wherever I was, whoever I was with, I could feel her watching me.
Her retinas were my contraception in those days.
And then I just got married twice and was rarely troubled.
- Well, be careful.
- It'll be all right.
Pats'll be there.
Have you have you got any things? - No, not at the moment, no.
- Well, I'll get you some tomorrow.
Thank you, darling, darling, darling.
Sweetheart friends? No.
Mother and daughter.
Hello.
Hello, darling sweetie, it's Mummy.
Just checking, it's tonight, isn't it? Your genetithetics thing, yes, darling.
So you won't be in? I'll see you later.
All right, bye.
Found it, Eddie.
A little something to put us in the mood, make tonight go with a swing.
- So who did you find? - What? - Procurer, pimp.
- My hair colourist, Christopher.
You know him.
- Are you mad? - He knows everybody, and he's very discreet.
Christopher called, through the telephone.
He's coming over to discuss what kind of men you want for the orgy.
Yes, thank you very much, that'll be all.
An orgy? I thought you didn't do sex.
Look, I'm a free person.
I can do what I want.
Yes, true, I have chosen to be celibate for the past few months years.
"I'm celibate.
" That's what everyone says when they can't have it off, isn't it? "I'm fat and ugly with no chance of a pork," more like.
- Shut up.
- Shall I hit her, Eddie? Get out.
Go on, get out.
- You ever been celibate, Pats? - Celibacy leaves a lot to be desired.
Hello, darling! This is my other half, David.
He's tagged along.
He might just be of some use.
- Hello.
- So, long time no see.
- You want a drink or something? - I'll have a vodka, please.
- David? - Oh, go on, he'll have a vodka as well.
It is not as if you've got to go to work this afternoon.
He's unemployed.
I'm keeping both of us at the moment.
He could have a job, of course.
- I'm not going back to that.
- So who's been doing you? Have you been up to that Nicky Clarke, or is it that bottle? He started from nothing.
Oh, you, you're a whore with your hair.
I'd like to add a tone to that.
Why don't you pop in when you've got a second? Sure he's the right man for the job? Let's get down to business.
Give me that book.
We've selected a few names, but you can tell us more about what you're after.
There's Warren.
He's blond, sort of muscley.
Might be a bit short for you, though.
- Is he straight? - No, not entirely.
- Not at all, from what I've heard.
- I think straight is essential.
Yeah.
- I didn't know if you were going the whole hog.
- Yeah, every bit of the hog.
Don't want any half hogs! Right Tony? - Nose ring.
Who knows what else down below.
- No, you don't want that.
- Jeff's nice.
Not the muscle sort, he's a dancer.
- More of a mover, really, not a dancer.
- He trained as a dancer.
- He's always been just a mover.
- But at least we know he's straight.
- Oh, do we? - What does he look like? - Gorgeous, tan - Bit short of money, ever so willing, very fit.
- I think I'll have him.
I think we'll both have him, Eddie.
- Who else have we got? - You'll need a contrast.
- Another vodka, please.
- What about "Fat Adam"? No.
I've got it on.
Come and see what you think.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Give them some chance, Eddie.
It's a bit - What, too tarty? It could be, but not on you, no.
Is it just too blatant? I don't want to seem like a pushover.
You're paying him.
In his eyes, you're already flat on your back and staked out.
- The thing is, it's just a bit small.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah, I did get it when I thought I was going to be thinner.
- Darling, did you get me those things? - Yes, I got condoms and femidoms.
- Did you open these? - No.
They don't put fingers on these gloves any more.
- Fingers are in the other packets.
- Get out, get out! They let the they let the water in, anyway.
Now, just relax, Eddie.
Relax, darling.
- She's been watching me.
- Babe, relax, relax.
We can probably still use those.
Just change your frock.
Put on something a little more sexy.
I'll bring the scissors.
Scissors, yes, scissors.
Eddie, your little delivery of delicious goods has arrived.
Well, come in.
Have a drink.
Goodness! Don't you look the part.
Now, this is jeff.
He's our dancer.
And this is Hilton, drama student, top of the line, cream of the crop.
Fantastic.
Hi, Hilton! - I really like a girl with large breasts.
- You've scored there, Eddie.
Oh, thank you.
For God's sake, will you play a little butcher? This is my reputation on the line.
- You got your stiffness spray? - "Stallion," yes.
Well, will you please use it? Come over here and have a drink.
I'll leave you to it.
Is it all right if we kill a couple of minutes downstairs because Dave I'm sorry.
It's the only wig I've got since the dog ate Liza Minelli.
He's got an audition in half an hour.
He's a bit nervous.
- Go downstairs and wait there.
- You won't know we're here.
So, Hilton, that's a pretty name sit down for a pretty face.
- Have you done this before? - First time.
Well, then you're very lucky.
You're in very experienced hands.
Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like Sean Connery? No.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Shall we dance? I'll lead.
Go on, go on! So what's a guy like you doing in a place like this? - Getting paid.
- Yes.
- Nice boots.
- Don't touch them, they're Chanel.
Sorry, why don't you relax.
Eddie! Darling, I've got a little something you can sniff to break the ice.
This bit's always the hardest.
Don't worry.
It'll wear off.
- It's the last time I do that for you.
- I can't get to them poppers with these nails on.
- Maybe you'd rather I didn't wear the corset? - God forbid! Bet Lynch with a paunch.
Would someone just give me a hand down? Oh, thank you, Patsy dear.
You're supposed to waft it under your nose.
Just keep sucking those tissues.
- All right, it's stopping now.
- Don't go off the boil! - It's just not working for me, darling.
- You've nearly finished it.
Hey, Hilt! I hope you're not too attached to that shirt, I may have to rip it off your chest shortly.
- How do you do that? That speak you do.
- Oh, they love it.
It feels a little bit sordid.
I don't feel very turned on by it.
I don't want to touch him.
I don't even want him sitting on my furniture.
- Eddie, you said - I know what I said, darling.
It seemed good idea under the influence of Razzle, but in reality I'm sorry.
Just sitting there with their feet on my carpet.
Drinking my drink, the skin and the hands Actually, it's kicking in a bit now.
It's kicking in a bit now.
Eddie, all you need is a little mental amputation.
Now, darling, listen, you know that video I've got Let's put that on and Razzle it up a bit.
Get those rags out of your nose and throw your flesh on to that man.
OK, boys, we're in for a little bit of fun here.
Here is a bacterial stem.
It contains several double-banded molecules of DNA - Pats? - Eddie? - Am I missing some kinky significance here? - Eddie, what is this? This isn't it.
- What is this? What's he trying to say? - Applied genetics? - What genetics? That's applied genetics, applied genetiethics! - They must have - Oh, my God! Eddie, come with me! At first I couldn't think of anyone that I desired I think you'd be a very nice conker rinse.
- How bad can it be, for God's sake.
- Bad, Eddie! - Where's your bitch daughter? - At university.
- Where's that? - I don't know! - I know, dear.
- Come with us.
- Who's got a car? - I've got one.
Has she been watching me? Has she been watching me, darling? Have you been watching me, you old woman! Old woman! Hurry! - Mind that wig! Stay in the car! - I'm not staying on my own.
- What's the plan, Pats? - Change the tape, go home! - And continue the orgy.
- Yes.
- It's through there, dear.
- Come on! Look, everyone, split up! Split up! What does it matter if she sees a blue movie? It's about time she did.
Eddie, trust me.
Just run! - You might just lose some flab.
- What are we looking for? I don't know.
We're just caught up in the drama.
Run! This is just like "The Crystal Maze".
- What do we do now? - I don't know.
- Would this be any help, dear? - Ah, a clue! Come along, Patsy, we'd better join them.
I hope you will find it informative, and I think it will give us plenty to talk about afterwards.
Yes, I'm sure it will.
- It's OK, it's on.
- Damn! No, hold it, because that's quite good.
Go on, really go for it, kid.
- That's fantastic.
- That's jeanie.
What ever happened to her? - You're just about to find out.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Leave it on! Feels great.
That's delicious.
Trust you, you missed the best bit.
Fantastic.
I'm really getting some action.
Come on, action! How did I ever think those curtains would go with that carpet?