Ackley Bridge (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

1 I would like to keep you as my Deputy Head.
Deputy Head? Of this place, - "Tandoori High"? - We've got a big, fat racial split in this school.
We've got fights breaking out all over the place.
- I love you.
- Mum! - That's Mr Hyatt.
- Well, get used to it.
I'm just so sorry to have to tell you that Missy Booth passed away earlier today.
You need to let her go, Puther.
Nasreen Oxford You're in! I'm sorry, Miss.
I'm not I'm leaving school.
Oh, where's the dahl? I couldn't find it.
The thing is Y'know, these are Missy's favourite.
I've been erm I've been thinking Are we where we want to be? Should we take things to the next level? You want to go Cash & Carry? - I know you! - No.
No.
No.
I want to get married.
What? Well, to you! Obviously! To to you.
Get up.
People are staring.
Ha! He's just been funny.
He think's he's the Pakistani Jimmy Tarbuck, aren't yer! - Get up! - Hey.
Hey.
Hey! - Life is short.
- What? And I love you, Kaneez Paracha.
So will you marry me? Rashid? Kaneez? - OK! Yes, OK.
- Yes? Oh.
Oh! Put me down.
Put me down.
Yes! She said yes! - Yes! She said yes! She said yes! She said yes! - You're crazy.
They're nice wedding dresses.
Which one do you want out of all them? Lazy eyes, constipated She got face like smacked bum! They're drop dead gorgeous.
Look who I found.
I just went up road for a coffee.
Why are you looking like the bloody Robot Wars! Saves me getting the bus.
Zaf got it me.
And there's space for my Missy.
She's made up for you all.
'Bout time we had summat to smile about.
- You gotta try that pink one.
- You seen them prices? Oh, Mum, come on! You've got to at least try it on.
Hey, Saleem, keep an eye on that! You know what they're like round here.
You going already? Oh, I'll be late, so Nasreen You all right with this? I'm happy if you're happy.
We only get one life, Mum.
You've got to grab it.
How d'you fancy Prague? - Prague? - Your stag.
Ah, let me guess You er, throw me in the boot of a car, and then handcuff me, naked, to a lamppost for 12 hours, yes? Sir.
That's disgusting.
We meant a bit of sightseeing.
You know, take in the architecture.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
I see what you did there.
Sir, why don't you come to Nav's place? His folks are away.
- He's having a party.
- No, I'm not.
Wise man.
Mrs Paracha - Mrs Paracha! Is Nas coming in? - No, I don't think so, love.
- I've been trying to ring her but she - No, they don't like the phones.
She has to switch them off when she's on her shift.
What shift? What do you mean? - I've got to go see you later.
- What shift? - I'll speak to you later.
- Haider! Come on.
Last ten, Lisa.
Yes.
This smart casual look It's not working for you! - I keep telling you, don't I? - No.
No.
Thank you.
- - They got your good side.
- - Yeah.
I know it's a bit old school, but the social media revolution seems to have passed some of our parents by.
You didn't think to run this past the Trust? - What will the Asian parents say? - Thanks, Lorraine.
What are you playing at? This paper's got a reputation round here.
Yeah.
It wouldn't be my first choice of reading matter either, but we are a mixed school, so it's only right that we reach out to all communities, isn't it, equally? - Hmm.
- Sorry, didn't realise you were busy.
Mr Evershed, what do you think about this? Oh, don't ask me! My wife won't have that racist pile of crap in the house.
No chance, why? What did you want? - It can wait.
- Don't mind me.
No seriously, I can come back.
It's just the absentee figures, that's all.
How are they looking? Sorry? Mr Evershed? As of this morning, 40% of our Asian students are no-shows.
Yeah.
I'm surprised this hasn't happened before.
There's so many sensitivities to juggle in a school like this.
One man's sausage roll is another man's hate crime, Ken.
- It's just a blip.
- More like a full blown exodus, Mandy.
Letters are going out to parents.
- We're calling, texting, Lorraine's on it.
- Yeah.
- We will get these students back.
- Hundred percent! You can't force communities together.
It rarely works.
Well, we're the exception, then, aren't we? Nas? What you doing here? There's only authorised personnel allowed around here.
What they gonna do? Frisk me for feather dusters? She's going to Oxbridge.
She's going to Oxbridge.
Did she tell you that? - Nice one.
- Shut up! True, ain't it? Well, it would be if you came back to school.
It's a good job.
Half town'd kill for it.
Come to my party, Saturday.
We'll get Karachi Fried Chicken.
Pretend it's your birthday, get free cheesy chips again.
Don't tell me your arteries aren't going all tingly just thinking about it? - Won't be the same without you.
- I can't, I'm I am knackered after a day here.
I'm sorry.
- What? - Nowt.
- What? - Just Just You and me, we made big plans.
We were gonna conquer the world.
Yeah.
Plans aren't all they're cracked up to be though, Naveed, are they? My mum can't wait to meet you.
She's already looking at flights.
Course, we could go and visit her? - No, I can't.
I've got no passport.
- Ah! - Don't need one, do I? Don't go nowhere.
- Well, we can remedy that.
You're very quiet.
I just think I've got headache.
You know, busy day.
Lots of tongues wagging.
You can hardly blame them.
Science nerd bags the best-looking woman in the school.
Apparently I'm smiling too much.
"It's dead weird, Sir.
" I can't help it.
What's on other side of hill? I don't know.
I've never seen, you know? It could be anything! I've got no clue! Is it that important? I don't know.
Come on! Let's go.
I've got to get home.
- Dinner won't cook itself.
- All right.
Where's the bloody table? SURPRISE! - Inshallah! - Happy engagement party, Mum.
- Congratulations.
- What is ? What is this? It's halal.
I checked, didn't I, babe? You sure did.
Congratulations, you two.
Hey, get some music on, Hayley.
- You look so nice, Mrs Paracha.
- You know what we should do? We should get one of them massive limos for the wedding.
- And it should be pink.
- You want a pink limo? This is how you're gonna be dancing with Mr Rashid.
Oh, God.
It's freezing out here.
- I don't want this.
- Oh, mea culpa.
But Simone wouldn't take no for an answer.
Hey, I've got this.
Look, Rashid Look.
Rashid, you're not listening to me.
- This is not right.
- Oh, my God! Quick.
Look at this.
You had a win on the gee-gees, Rashy? No, I don't want it.
You take it.
All right, I know, I know, it's a romantic cliché, - and not strictly in the Islamic tradition.
- TAKE IT! - Mum! - Everyone go home! Forget wedding! It's cancelled.
- You what? - Kaneez? - Kaneez, will you stop that? - I need to check for stones.
You want my mother to break her teeth? I got lots to do.
It could take some time.
Was it something I did? I told you.
I don't want to be married.
I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, given it to Oxfam.
I don't want bloody thing back! I know you're embarrassed, ah? I'll I'll tell everyone that you dump me.
OK? Hm? I don't give a I don't care what anyone else thinks.
- But I want to know why you're being like this? - Because Because this is who I am! This is me.
- Look, if you're nervous - No.
Listen to me! Missy's only being dead a few weeks.
Nasreen's now working in bloody tea towel factory.
- I can't get married now! - Yeah, you can.
Upstairs! This has nothing to do with you.
- You're screwing everything up! - Razia, just give us a few minutes.
- Don't speak to my daughter like that? - I can't do anything, can I? - She don't mean it.
- She does.
I do.
Guess there really is nothing else to say, then.
No lifting of the protective covers! Er, less of that.
- Cheers, babes.
- Got you this.
No lifting of the protective covers! No puking, no smoking.
In case of an emergency spillage.
This is supposed to be a party! A party with appropriate boundaries.
- Is breathing allowed? - Doubt it.
Nas! - She, er, she dragged me here.
- I did not.
Thanks.
Just a party, ain't it? Sorry, there's someone in here.
Right, imagine you're Cory.
Do you fancy me? Seriously? You going to go for both of the Wilson brothers? Jordan was the appetiser, Cory's the meal deal.
You do know that he'll just he'll take what he wants from you and then he'll just dump you? And? Did you know that Missy was going to run away with the fair? Beats a mop factory.
You haven't said.
Do I look sexy? No-one's even mentioned her name! Everyone has known Missy for years, and now it's Now it's just like she never existed.
They think they're helping.
They're kids, what do they know? It's just so quiet now.
She never did shut up.
I really miss her.
Don't hide away, it gets better.
So everyone says.
It's the waiting for that bit to kick in, though.
It will.
Back to me: hot or not? Oh, sorry! I didn't realise.
I have my answer.
Simply irresistible! We're going for fish and chips.
You coming? - Erm - Somebody's got to help me clear up.
OK, see you later.
I don't know why I did it.
I don't even fancy her that much.
Tonight weren't a good idea.
Sorry.
I've got news.
- I got into drama school.
- You what? - I got into drama school, in Manchester! - Oh, my God! You bloody genius! An illustrious career playing terrorists and cab drivers awaits! - It's a niche market.
- Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you.
Always said dream big, didn't we? Dream big or go home.
We ain't got long together, Nas.
I don't want to waste what time we've got.
I know it's not the same without her.
It's not without you neither.
I miss you.
I do too.
But I don't know how to be me without Missy.
Let me help you.
- I'm here.
- BANG What were that? What you doing in my mum and dad's bedroom? - Another 30 Asian kids missing today.
- No! - Yep.
- Why? Is this really because of some column in a stupid newspaper that nobody bloody reads? No idea.
Nobody's saying anything.
Chips or mash? Erm, mash, please.
Can you handle this place if I nip out for an hour? Why? Where you going? Going to see why these lot have gone AWOL.
Might get some answers if I knock on doors.
Yeah, do you think that's a good idea, considering If you say "my condition", you'll be wearing that mash.
I'll take someone with me.
- I'll take Sue.
- Oh, you're bloody joking! She will start the World War III! Good point well made.
I I could come with you, you know.
I know these people, and I could talk some sense into the fools.
And you and me, we could be like Cagney and Lacey, eh? - Mandy, I - Brilliant! What would you recommend? I've got a queue.
I had my heart set on mash but, for some completely unfathomable, ridiculously inexplicable reason, I've completely changed my mind! - Miss Carter, I could come now, you know? - Kaneez.
I'll take my food.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed if I were her.
He's a dark horse, that one.
No offence, like.
Is it true? Have you been dumped, sir? Not going to cry are you, sir? When my private life is part of the biology curriculum, I'll let you know, Alya.
Until then, open books, read, learn.
And not one word more! I hope you don't mind me asking, but you and Mr Hyatt - is that still a thing? No, you're right.
It's none of my business, is it? Where to first, eh? I think that may be we should start at Habad.
Zain Younis, don't you move a bloody inch! You should be in double maths! - Boy got work to do.
- Yeah, school work.
He needs all the education he can get! Put the stuff down.
Get your uniform on.
- He says I can't come back, Miss.
- Why not? - 'Cos Mr Hussein said I can't come back.
- Boy! Who the hell is Mr Hussein? Don't don't look at me - half the town is called Hussein! If you know what's going on, or if anyone knows who this Mr Hussein is, then just, erm, just tell me 'cos I'm here to talk.
- Ms Paracha! - Go! - I've got to rinse her hair out, though! - Go get your uniform on! Go! She needs to be at school.
- SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE - Tough! - Why you do that? - What's it to you, what we do? It's bloody rude! I know you.
I wiped your bum when you little.
I know you.
You're sleeping with teacher! - And her husband's sleeping around with gori! - You know nothing.
- Take that back! - Let's go, come on.
I don't take nothing back from kanjari! - What did you just say? - She knows.
- It means whore, babe.
- Dirty kanjari! - That's all you are.
A whore.
- Give her some space, will you? - We're coming with you.
- Yeah, you film it! - What's your name, babe? - I need a lift.
I'm coming with you.
- Get off! Do you want me to run you over? - CAR HORN BEEPS Idiots! - Here you are.
- Oh, I'd better get back to kitchen.
- No, Kaneez - It's OK.
Have a minute.
Stay Miss Carter, someone's here to see you.
- Oh, if it's Ken Weaver - A Mr Hussein.
Surely you can understand why parents are uncomfortable - sending their children here.
- No.
Things have changed since the trust took over.
Yeah, well, the law hasn't.
Parents want a more traditional, religious education, like the one that we can provide at Calderdale Muslim Academy.
We? I'm a governor there, and we want to help.
But parents see this as a white school now.
I know 40% of your Muslim pupils are absent.
- Wait, who told you? 40%? where did you get that from? My son, Hassan.
Oh, right, but you didn't want to send him to your school, then? Actually, he works in your PE department.
Hassan? Yeah? A spy? - No way! Honestly, I didn't - Oh, come on! You were feeding your dad information.
He knew everything.
He's been poaching our students for his own school! First I've heard! I swear down.
If these kids want to go to another school, I say, why not? We should be concentrating on results and not on kids who don't want to be here.
Otherwise we're all up the proverbial without a paddle.
Oh, right! So we just give up, do we? Yeah? No, because I would have a much easier life if I was teaching up some posh school where everyone's the same colour, everyone thinks the same way.
Yeah? I could do that.
I could do that with my eyes closed! But we prove it works, and I don't care what you, your dad, or Ken Weaver or anyone else thinks! It works.
Good point well made, right? Which one of you, was it? Huh? If you go near Kaneez Paracha again, if you dare even look in her direction, let alone open your mouth, you will regret it! Bruv, he's going to Sumo you with that belly, innit? - You! You come with me.
You're going to apologise.
- What for, bruv? - Apologise! - Bro, I didn't do nothing but tell the truth.
Calm down, Uncle.
Chill out, Teddy Bear.
You're animals.
You know that? Intimidating women? You lot make me sick! You lot? Aye, aye, aye! What, you mean Muslims? - I'm a Muslim! - Nah, you ain't, bro.
You're kaffir, bro.
'Cos I don't act like a thug? 'Cos I don't disrespect women? This is not some backwater village in Pakistan, you know! What? Say that again! This is 21st-century Britain.
- You want to get used to it.
- OK, so you want me to apologise? Yeah.
- To your bitch? - To my what? To your bitch! Who's the big man now, eh? Eh? - What you playing at, man? - Uncle's lost it! - That was a great show! - Come on, Teddy Bear! You lot make me sick.
You lot? Aye, aye.
- What, you mean Muslims? - I'M a Muslim.
Nah, you ain't bro.
(HE SIGHS) We need to nip this in the bud.
I suggest we keep Mr Hyatt off school premises - and find him a post elsewhere.
- No.
No.
But he's one of my best.
Good.
Then we'll have no problem relocating him into another trust academy.
We do not need a charge of Islamophobia hanging over us.
- No, but we don't know all the facts yet.
- Like I said, multicultural schools like these, all well and good in theory.
I'll let you break the news.
You think just 'cos you're a teacher you can look down your nose at people not has clever as you, huh? You know, those boys come same backwater village as me! Look, I - I didn't mean you - Yes, you did.
You did.
Look, I'm not going to apologise for why I did it.
I don't want your apology.
I want nothing from you, Rashid.
Just when we get somewhere, you run away from me.
You keep doing it.
What are you frightened of, Kaneez? Being happy? Actually allowing yourself to be with someone who will never break your heart? I am not scared.
I'm just fed up! I have had you up to here, ain't I? No more chit-chat or talking or coming to see me in the kitchen.
Enough.
Mr Hyatt? Miss Carter says, can you come and see her now? - I could tell her to wait.
- No, no.
I think we're done here.
Who's the big man, now, eh? Eh? Uncle lost it! - LAUGHING - Uncle's proper lost it.
AUDIO STOPS Gosh.
It's not me.
Clearly, it is me, but someone had to say something.
I wasn't going to let them get away with it.
Rashid, - look, I know that you and Kaneez are in a relationship.
- No.
It shouldn't affect my work.
Why don't you take a couple of days off? Maybe maybe a week.
No, no.
Look at me.
I it's unacceptable.
I wouldn't stand for this aggression in in a student.
Just just sleep on it, at least.
Please? I can't be here any more.
Night, Miss.
Zain.
I told my dad to get lost.
Can't leave the school, Miss.
It's mint.
- Oh! Night, Zain.
- Night, miss.
Fighting for your honour, though.
Nearest I got were some no-mark fighting me for me giro.
He's got hidden depths, Rashid.
You want him? Have him.
Good women are for good men - and good men are for good women.
- Hm? - It's in Koran.
- Oh.
Men should keep their noses out of the business that's none of their business.
That's from the Woman's Weekly.
Well, you'll be shot of him soon.
No, I'll still see him every day.
You know Zaff's mate with the funny-shaped head, works in Lidl? Simone, I'm not interested in him! - How many times I have to tell you this? - No, listen.
He gets all this gossip at the till.
Reckons Rashid's been sacked.
No.
Really? What are you doing here? I need to talk to him, it's just about school.
It's taken time for him to get back on his feet.
Mandy? What's up? I need your help.
Really? Do you know what? Forget it.
It's fine.
Erm, I've heard what's been going on.
Do you know Akram Hussain? (HE LAUGHS) He's been sniffing about, has he? Sadiq, why ? Five minutes.
I promise.
Come on.
- I thought you were going to Nav's place.
- Sh.
- I need to gather everyone together - It's Miss Carter.
to Hussain, the community leaders, the parents, face-to-face.
- Just to clear the air.
- You want me to what, round up the great and the good? Do you think they'll even listen to me? Oh, right, yeah.
Fair point.
'Cos this whole trust thing was your idea.
Oh, I see, so as soon as it goes belly-up, it's my fault, is it? Sadiq, if we don't do something, then the trust is just going to cut their losses and the Ackley Bridge we created, it'll be gone.
Sadiq, I don't think you should get involved.
- I I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
You do know, you know all about how this works, it's just business to them.
I see.
You really have just washed your hands of us all.
- Are you OK? - Yes, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm just I'm sorry I've ruined your evening.
Dad? You can help her out here.
Come on, please? Come on.
Well, I could give it a go, I suppose? Great.
SHOUTING: Rashid? They can't sack you.
They have no right.
They're not sacking me.
- Huh? - I've resigned.
Why would you do that? You clearly don't want me here.
That's what you said.
So, you want me out of your life? This is it.
I just wish I'd never asked you to marry me.
You and me both.
We should have gone to Cash and Carry.
Why the hell did you say yes? 'Cos, believe me, I'm big enough and ugly enough to take rejection.
So at least tell me that.
I don't know.
This is the last time you're going to see me, so hit me with it.
- You're not ugly.
- KANEEZ! SHE SIGHS Why did you say yes when you had no intention of going through with it? I know you're not cruel.
But why else would you do this to me? - Why do you think? - I have NO idea.
Because if I say no, that's the end of me and you.
And I don't want that, so I say yes.
I do love you Rashid, but that makes no difference.
I can't be nobody's wife.
You need a wife who wants to be wife.
I already done it.
I hated it.
I were too young when I got married.
I didn't have a choice then.
I didn't know who I was then.
He didn't bloody know either.
I still don't know who could have been.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, listen, I'm really sorry.
You find nice wife.
You're a good catch.
You've got a good job.
Well, you DID have good job, why you give up job? Who's going to teach Razia about the silly test tubes and the photo scienthesis? Photo scienth ? Photo scienthesis? And you want me to give this up?! How can I let you go? I cannot let you go! You think you say this to me and I change my mind.
I am not some silly woman off the Love Island.
I don't want to be married.
We don't have to get married to stay together.
You want wife.
I know that.
No.
Get up.
Rashid, you're not listening to me! No, you listen! You love me and we can spend the rest of our lives together, completely and utterly unmarried.
What are you saying? I'm saying I will love you and care for you for the rest of my days, and never, ever again ask you to be my wife.
What do you think? Are you promising never to marry me? I am promising never to marry you.
They want food? Can't sit, if no order.
Oh, they ain't here to eat.
I dunno, Miss Carter might bite someone's head off.
(SHE CLEARS HER THROAT) Right, erm, hello.
Hi.
Thank you.
Thanks for all coming along today.
Really appreciate it.
Erm - Do you want to give them out? - Yep.
Why are we here, Sadiq? You need to send your kids back to Ackley Bridge school.
We send to our school, not hers.
Come on, you know Ackley Bridge is the best school round here.
I take it you've seen the GCSE stats, yeah? - THEY GRUMBLE - Just, just take it, come on! - Hassan! - What? Your mentalist science teacher attacked us.
- ALL: Yeah.
- Mr Hyatt is considering his future at present.
- He's leaving? - Alya.
They can't sack him.
Why don't you tell everyone what you guys did? Yeah, go on.
No-one wants half a story, do they? Why don't you start with the verbal assault of a female member of my staff? They know they did wrong.
Well, you know what? She's writing for that racist piece of bakwaas.
- THEY GRUMBLE - Did you actually read that? - Any of you? - Don't need to.
No.
It it was a piece about the Eid celebrations that we're doing at school.
I'm trying to start a dialogue so that we don't have kids bashing each other to bits because they're different colours.
Isn't it time you worried about your own child? You know nothing about ours.
Yeah.
I know nothing, do I? Nothing? I know about how your son cut his face to pieces learning to shave.
And I know how your daughter told us that she had chickenpox, when you were all at your cousin's wedding in Pakistan.
I know that when Missy Booth died they were all devastated.
'Cos she was one of theirs.
She was one of their own, and that you won't read about in the stats.
That is the real success of this school, that is the joy of my kids.
And I will not let them down.
It don't change the fact their school's gone down the pan.
- That's why he left.
- ALL: Ah! Do you think I'd send my kids there, if I didn't think it where good enough? We need to draw a line and move on.
And we can all do that.
We can do that this Friday, because the dads versus lads cricket match is on, - and I would love you all to be there.
- THEY CHATTER I know you're all up for it.
Ackley Bridge College can go to hell! THEY CHATTER IN AGREEMEN Do you want an all-white school in Ackley, do you? Because that's what'll happen if you take your kids out.
This town will go backwards, and it needs to go forwards.
So, you will all be there on Friday.
You will.
And do you know what? If you're not If you're not, then it's not Ackley Bridge that is not good enough for your kids it'll be because you lot aren't.
You really think they'll turn up for a dads and lads cricket match? Got an air of the Mary Celeste around this place, don't you reckon? Are you sure everyone got the e-mail invites we sent out? Every parent got one.
I don't know what your problem is.
It's not like your folks found out.
You said she's not your type.
You're not being fair on her.
She don't seem too unhappy.
Hang on a sec, kids.
Wait wait a minute.
In the bag, Mr Murgatroyd.
Hi, guys.
I'm really pleased you could make it.
No choice.
Frogmarched us here, didn't you, babe? As if! The more the merrier, right? - I'm going to get him inside.
- All right.
OK.
That was the idea.
Yeah.
I was starting to think we maybe should've cancelled.
I don't know, looks like we've got a game.
You all right, Miss? It's like a bloody invasion.
Ah! Hi.
What did you say to them? Me? I said nothing.
I might've known he were one of them interracial multi Yeah, you'd be right.
- What? - Shut up.
Dad reckons he's Moeen's hand.
Mimosa Ali, more like.
HOOTER BLARES Mr Hyatt! I thought you was banned, man! Fugitive from justice, innit.
Oi! What are you doing here? I've just come to have a word with Miss Carter.
Explain my actions the other night.
Would you mind if we had a word in private, please, Miss Carter? Well, hang on.
We're supposed to be having a game of bloody cricket! Forget the bloody cricket, mister! - Mrs Paracha - No.
This man got my daughter into Oxford.
The university.
She would not have that without him.
He changed my family's life.
And he could change your kids' life too.
And he is the best teacher in this school! - And we'll go on strike, if he doesn't come back! - ALL: Yeah.
THEY CHANT: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! If pupils walk out, they get moved.
Who's that going to help, eh? Pushing them from pillar to post.
You didn't have to come.
I know.
So, Mandy's asked if I'd help train the girl's rugby team.
I mean, it's unpaid, but So, when do you start? You don't mind? They'd be lucky to have you.
Thank you.
Hey, that was some speech.
I know! I don't know what I was thinking.
Me and my big mouth, and everyone listening.
I'm just a dinner lady.
I'm not Benazir Bhutto! Let me know if you want me to organise a staff walk-out in support of your claim for unfair dismissal.
My what? Between you and me, I wouldn't mind a long weekend, in the interests of union solidarity.
Well, that won't be necessary.
- 'Cos Mr Hyatt is going nowhere.
- Oh! Music to my ears.
And I would like this filled out and back on my desk by Monday morning, please.
That is your application for student support officer.
- You what? Me? - Her? - Yeah.
- No, I'm not qualified.
- I'm best staying in the canteen.
- Yeah.
I think so, because student support is no picnic, trust me.
You know these kids and you are great with them.
- I'll think about it.
- Yeah, you do that, pet.
Hey, sir, you fancy a game? - Yeah.
- Maybe you should just stick - to bowling this time, sir.
- Ah, very funny, Rukhsana.
He will remember this when he's marking your homework.
- What? - Good point.
- Yes.
- Wait, wait.
Were you being serious? See? You've done a excellent job, Mandy.
But the trust owes you a duty of care in your condition.
(SHE SCOFFS) I haven't got a condition, I'm pregnant.
We've decided to bring in your temporary replacement next week.
Replacement? What do you mean replacement? - Acting head.
- Eh? I thought that was Mr Evershed.
You can show her the ropes before your maternity leave.
And, erm, she can ease the burden.
Well, no, there's no burden to ease.
Hey, we headhunted her from Hebden Park.
- Miss Oakes.
- Who? Oakes? Not Sian.
What, Sian Oakes? The one and only! HOOTER BLARES Did you not get picked for the team? Eh, some people can't handle my sporting prowess.
Oh, is that what it is? - Too intimidating.
- Mm.
You going in? Is it safe? Raz said that Mum's causing a riot.
- But if there's no blood on the floor - THEY LAUGH Let me just Yeah, work texted.
I've got a late shift, so I'd better not.
- Life's crap, innit? - Mm.
I want to make it less crap for you, Nas.
But I don't know how.
You do.
You always have.
I'll always be your mate.
Good.
'Cos let's be honest, I, erm, I've got no-one else.
Having this burden, like.
I can't lie but, you know, I'll do me best.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- You know I want to.
I'll always be here for me nearly-wife.
- Nearly wife?! - Nearly wife.
IN PAKISTANI ACCENT: She my bloody nearly wife, mate.
I bloody love her.
Come on.
I'll walk you out.
- As long as you stop being embarrassing.
- Er, embarrassing? Me? Yeah.
You're like my mum.
- Imagine what our wedding would be like.
- No, thanks.
Would have been mad.
Oi.
"It's my wife, innit? We bloody dance together.
" - Stop calling me your wife.
- NAVEED LAUGHS I don't need no more kids to worry about.
I've got enough trouble with my own, eh? Yeah, but if I was a student in need of a sympathetic ear, you'd definitely be my first port of call.
- Really? - Yeah.
What are you doing on Saturday? No plans.
Completely and utterly plan-free.
Why? - You have a suggestion? - Hm.
What is it? I'm not sure it was designed for hill starts.
I told her not to bring it! Hang on, give us a minute! Ugh! - Is that dog poo?! - Hey, that's good luck is that, love.
- Ugh.
- Come on.
Keep moving.
I can't.
- SALEEM: Where is she? - Oh! Wait, hold back.