All In The Family s03e03 Episode Script
The Threat
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days All right, all right, come on.
Off your butt and on your feet, here.
We've got company coming.
I want this whole area, please.
Come on.
Move it, move it.
Boy, one sergeant's wife comes to visit, this places turns into an Army barracks.
Not Army, Meathead-- Air Force.
Remember that.
The 15th Air Force flying out of Foggia, Italy-- the ones that won the war.
The ones that won the war.
Yes.
Now, let's see what this detail is doing in here.
What are you doing, Edith? Ain't the meat dead yet? Oh, no, Archie.
It's chuck.
I'm tenderizing it.
Oh.
Well, that's all right, then.
You keep stabbing it, Edith, because Duke Loomis' wife ain't no spring chicken, you know.
She's probably got store teeth by now.
Daddy, I've never seen you this anxious.
Why are you making such a fuss over Mrs.
Loomis? Oh, I don't care nothing about her.
I'm doing this for the Duke, my best buddy, the guy that saved my life.
That's right, Gloria.
Sergeant Loomis threw himself on a live I-talian for Archie.
Edith it's an I-talian grenade, Edith.
A grenade that some joker threw into the barracks, there, see? And you can keep this in mind, little girl, if it wasn't for the Duke, you probably wouldn't be here today.
Neither would I.
Why not? I'd be living someplace else Aw, come on.
And Gloria would look different.
Come on, come on, come on.
Listen, what are yous fooling around? You got to set the table in there, because I want the front room to be looking nice when she gets here, so come on.
Set the table.
Move it, move it, move it, huh? What about you, Meathead? Didn't I give you a direct order? Arch, what's the rush? She's not gonna be here for at least an hour.
I want all departments in motion around here! Come on.
I want the Duke's wife to give him a good report on me.
Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke still be alive if he threw himself on a grenade? Because it was an I-talian grenade and it was a dud like everything else them pastafazoos made, but that ain't the point.
The point is that she's coming here for one night.
We got to make her welcome.
She's going to join the Duke over there in Germany.
Come on, we all got to make some sacrifices over here.
Listen, I'm giving up part of my bed upstairs, right, Edith? That's right.
Your father's going to sleep on the sofa.
Just think, Archie, this will be the first time in 24 years we ain't slept together.
Well, that's the sacrifice you gotta make, Edith.
Look, Archie, I found your old photo album from the war.
I thought maybe you'd like to show Mrs.
Loomis some of your old Army pictures.
Oh, that's great.
That's good thinking there, Edith.
Now maybe I won't have to talk to her too much because she's about as interesting as a doorknob, you know.
Is there a picture of Mrs.
Loomis in there? Nah, nah, nah.
She was the type that always used to run and hide when anybody come out with a camera.
Why? Oh, well, Edith, you'd do the same thing if you was 195 pounds at four-foot-seven.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Oh, now, listen, Edith, whoever that is at the door, please don't waste no time, huh? Just hello, goodbye.
Nothing else in between.
Yeah.
Right, Archie.
Hi! Hi.
Can I help you, Miss? Missus.
Bobbi Jo Loomis, Duke's wife.
Oh, well, come in.
Archie, it's Mrs.
Loomis.
She's lost weight and grown taller.
Wait a minute, Edith.
There's something ain't kosher here.
Look out, look out.
Uh, did you say? I know you, PFC Archie Bunker.
I got a message for you from Duke.
What's the message? Now, wait a minute, I don't think I get this Oh, I'm Bobbi Jo, Duke's wife.
Well, come in, Mrs.
Loomis, and sit down.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Now, you know, I knew Duke's wife awful well No, no, no.
I know what's confusing you.
You were expecting the first Mrs.
Loomis.
I'm the second.
The first is deceased.
Oh.
Wait happened to her? She died.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I guess Duke should have warned you.
I hope you're not too disappointed.
Oh, no.
We're very happy to see you.
Uh, I'm their daughter, Gloria, and this is my husband, Michael Stivic.
Hi.
Hi.
So, uh, you're the Duke's second wife, huh? What do you know? You know, I was going to ask you for your ID Card over here at the door.
[LAUGHS.]
I wouldn't need ID.
All I'd have to do is remind you of those stories about you and Duke, like the time you two were at Madam Talini's place.
Madam Ta-who? In Rome, in 1945, in that big house near the train station.
Uh, hey! Uh Where'd you leave your bags? The driver left it on the porch.
Oh, Meathead, don't be standing there doing nothing.
Get the suitcase on the porch.
Bring it in here.
Who's Madam Talini? A nurse, Edith.
An Air Corps nurse over there.
In fact, she was the head nurse, which is why they called her "madam.
" Oh.
Excuse me.
Gloria and me better get the dinner ready, and meantime, you could help entertain Mrs.
Loomis, Archie.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
I can handle that.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, let me take your coat there, Mrs.
Loomis.
There.
It'll make you feel comfortable.
Jeez, was I surprised What are you looking at? Nothing.
Take the suitcase upstairs, huh? Sure, Arch.
Well, why don't we make ourselves comfortable, Mrs.
Loomis? Why don't you park yourself on the sofa over there? Well, thank you so much.
And, uh, I'll just hang up your coat over here on a hook.
[CHUCKLING.]
Jeez, we wasn't expecting you for about an hour, here, you know.
Oh, well, I took an earlier bus.
Oh, you took an earlier bus.
Yeah, oh, and listen, listen.
Edith dug out this old photo album of pictures of the Duke and me, Mrs.
Loomis.
Oh, why don't you call me Bobbi Jo? Bobbi Jo? Yeah, all right, I'll call you that.
That's a boy's name, though, huh? You don't look like no boy, though.
Aren't you sweet.
Well, now, Archie, I am just dying to hear everything you got to tell me about Duke.
You know, we barely said "I do" when wham! The Air Force shipped him off to West Germany just like that.
The Air Force ain't got no human feeling at all, huh? Well, now, why don't we look at the pictures? Yeah.
Oh, look at Duke, and look at that head of hair.
Oh, Archie, where was this picture taken? Oh, that's taken over there in Rome.
That's me and Duke eating at one of them restaurants that must have run out of roof, you know, because we're eating outside.
Oh, oh, now, Archie.
Well, now, here's you, but I can't find Duke.
Now, which one is he? Archie? Huh? You're not gonna find him looking there.
Oh, no.
I'm looking at the There, there, there he is! He was there all the time.
Oh, but you weren't.
Oh, you can't blame me, huh? How long are you standing there? I just got here.
Don't you never knock when you come into a room? What you want me to do, knock on the banister? Get lost, huh? EDITH: Archie? Yeah! Dinner's ready.
Oh, dinner's ready, huh? Yeah.
Uh, Bobbi Jo, dinner's ready.
We all go to the table when dinner's ready.
Oh, well, isn't that sweet? EDITH: Everybody sit down.
Oh, well, now, Edith, Edith, you just got to let me help you serve.
You know, I'm a terrific waitress.
Oh, thank you.
No, no.
None of that.
The guests don't serve in this here house.
Sit right down here, senior-ora.
We'll take care of everything, huh? Right next to the old patroney of the house, huh? That's sweet.
What? What? What? Converse nice about something here.
Uh Oh, Bobbi Jo, did you say something about being a waitress? Well, yes.
That's how I met Duke.
I was working at the Burgerama.
That's a drive-in on Route 27 outside of Tallahassee.
You know it? Uh, no.
Oh.
Well, the minute Duke drove up, and I saw that cute little bald-headed sergeant in that cute little sports car, a yellow MG, I said to myself, "Bobbi Jo, you got to have that man.
" Well, what did the Duke say when he first set eyes on you? Well, I was standing there in my little cowgirl outfit-- you know, that's what all us girls wore at the Burgerama-- and Duke drove up and he honked his horn, and I went strutting on over with my menu you know, the way we do, and I had on my little cowgirl hat and my white blouse and my little vest with tassels and itty-bity red hot pants, high white boots up to here, and he took one look and said, "I'll have a bowl of thighs.
" Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
Well, he meant chicken thighs, of course.
Here we are.
I hope everybody likes it rare.
Hey, Edith, you should have heard about the whirlwind courtship between Bobbi Jo and the Duke, here.
Oh, I just love true love stories.
How did he propose to you? Well, it was early one morning, and he just woke me up and said, "Honey, let's get married.
" Well, uh, you know, that's a kind of a risqué story for us here because, you know, we're kind of old-fashioned.
Oh, what did I say? I was asleep, and the phone rang and it was Duke.
Oh, oh, oh! Gee, well, what the hell.
That's legit.
See there, Edith? Nothing wrong with that.
Huh? Go on out and get the rolls, huh? Vegetables.
Hot stuff.
Oh, now, Gloria, let me help you with that.
No, no, no! You can't serve nothing around here.
You're the guest here.
Give me that.
I'll serve that.
What are you looking at? Get the salad, huh? Here we, oh look at this here, carrots.
They say they're awful good for you.
Yeah, good for the eyes, Arch.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
Hurry up with the salad, huh? Come on, Edith.
I'm waiting to serve the rolls.
Archie, you ain't never helped serve dinner before.
Well, Bobbi Jo Loomis ain't never been here before, Edith.
Hey, hey, what do you think of her, huh? Cute the way she talks with the southern accent there.
Yeah, and she's so cheerful and lively.
Duke was lucky to have found her.
Oh, Edith, I hope he was lucky.
What do you mean? Oh, Edith, you can tell by looking at her there-- fast and loose.
Oh, Archie.
But I don't blame her for nothing.
I mean, that's the way it is.
Nature, you know-- good-looking dame with a shape there and everything.
Men are always turning after her, give her the double-O, you know.
Now, listen, dames like that put thoughts in guys' heads.
Why kind of thoughts? Well, I don't know, Edith.
I don't have no thoughts like that.
Here are the last two cups, Gloria.
Oh, thank you.
Michael, if you don't speed up, we'll never get to the movies.
Bobbi Jo, what are you doing out in the kitchen? We got a lot more pictures to look at here.
We got a lot of ground to cover.
Daddy sure is acting different.
I wonder what it is.
I think it's his eyes.
His eyes? Oh, Gloria, haven't you noticed the way he's been looking at Bobbi Jo? Michael, that's my father.
Those things aren't on his mind.
Well, Gloria, something is.
You got to admit Bobbi Jo is uh, pretty well endowed.
Sounds like your eyes have been working overtime too.
Not overtime, just a regular working day.
Eight hours of looking, and then I punch out.
You're as big a letch as you say my father is.
Gloria, a little innocent lust never hurt anybody.
You just have to know how to deal with it, that's all.
See, your father, he doesn't know how to deal with it.
How do you deal with your lust? Well Go ahead, Michael, you can tell me.
How do you deal with your lust? That's funny.
That's how I deal with mine.
And that's the Duke and me.
We're fooling around with a couple of girls in the street in Naples, there.
I tell you, looking at them old pictures there, you know, it makes me feel that, well like I was Archie? What? I'm gonna make up the sofa now.
It's getting late, and you got to go to work tomorrow.
Oh, Edith, Edith, huh? It's only 10:00.
Who the hell ever goes to bed at 10:00? You do, Archie.
I'm putting you out of your bedroom.
Now, I'll sleep on the couch.
Oh, no.
He'll be very comfortable.
I even brought down his special pillow.
Oh, ixnay on the Archie can't sleep without it.
Oh, you got one of those too.
Oh, he's got lots of those things.
He can't even eat his cereal without his Chicago World's Fair spoon.
Never mind the pillow, huh, Edith? Come here, come here.
Go upstairs and get me a regular pillow, huh? All right.
That's all I need to sleep on is a regular pillow, Edith.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
Excuse me, there, Bobbi Jo.
Hey, come on, it's the shank of the evening.
Sit down and we'll look at the Oh, no, no, no.
See, I really have to get to sleep.
My flight for Germany is at 8:00 a.
m.
But you know, you have been just so sweet.
I mean, really, so kind, and I'm surely going to tell Duke just how wonderful you've been to me.
Oh, hey, likewise, I'm sure.
Well, but for now, I'm just going to say good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Gloria.
BOTH: Good night.
What are yous two doing here? We live here.
You doing a little spying here too, ain't you? What are you talking about? Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.
What's the matter with you? Are you going nuts or something? Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.
What yous two seen out there, you didn't see it! What's going on, Daddy? I don't want neither one of yous to get the wrong idea, see, especially you, the husband because monkey sees, monkey does! And I don't go around kissing no women, see, and I didn't kiss that woman out there.
She kissed me.
Now, remember that, then forget it.
Archie, what are you so uptight about? Just because you're feeling guilty about being attracted to Bobbi Jo? What do you mean, "guilty"? I ain't guilty about nothing! Why should I be guilty? If anyone's guilty, well, she's guilty out there.
I didn't kiss Bobbi Jo.
Bobbi Jo kissed me.
She's the one that made the pass.
Daddy.
She made a pass at you? No, she didn't.
Well, all right, yeah.
She made a pass.
GLORIA: Mrs.
Loomis made a pass at you? ARCHIE: Made a pass, yes! Shh! Look at the face on you.
What's on your mind? Nothing.
It's just hard for me to believe that anybody would make a pass at you.
Don't be a wise guy, huh? Just remember this, the two of yous-- Edith ain't supposed to know nothing about that.
MICHAEL: All right, don't worry about it, Arch.
Come on, Gloria, we'll be late for the movies.
You're going to the movies late, huh? When you come home late, don't wake me up! I'll be on the couch, there.
Oh, Edith, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
Edith, do you like this? It's very pretty.
Oh, I'm glad you think so.
I was going to wear it to bed tonight, but I think I'll wait till Duke can see it.
I got something to tell you about going to bed.
What's that, Edith? You're not.
What? I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep here tonight.
Well, now, you see, I have been a problem.
I'm not going to be another bit of trouble.
I'm just going to get my things and go sleep on that couch.
No! I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep here under the same roof with Archie.
Archie? I don't understand.
It's something I just heard.
I can't explain it, and I never in my whole life have I ever asked anybody to leave my house, and if I stay here another minute, I'm gonna cry.
So please that's all.
Please.
Hey, what's going on, Bobbi Jo? Where are you going with the suitcase? Don't you know? Your wife asked me to leave.
Aw, no, no, Bobbi Jo.
Edith never said that.
She said it was something she heard when she was down here a little while ago.
Oh, was she down here a little while ago? You wouldn't happen to know what she heard? No.
Your wife thinks I have a thing for you.
Now, why does she think that? Did she say that? She didn't have to.
Oh, this is kind of bad, Bobbi Jo.
No.
Don't worry, Archie.
Nobody's gonna know about this except you, me and Duke.
The Duke? No, no, no, wait a minute, Bobbi Jo.
You can't go out like this.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, you put the bag down and stay here.
Edith.
Hey, Edith.
Come down here, will you? I want to talk to you, huh? Uh, listen, there was a mix-up or something, you know, and Edith didn't mean that.
Now, I'll talk to her.
I'll straighten it all out, see? So, uh, Edith Edith? Uh, Edith, uh, I want to talk to you, Edith, but out in the kitchen, huh? Now, listen, you stay here.
Now, don't go nowhere, see.
Edith.
Edith, what are you doing? You can't kick her out of the house.
Is it true what I heard you tell the kids-- that she kissed you and made a pass at you? Well, Edith, yes and no.
What does that mean? Yes, she kissed me, but no, it wasn't no pass.
But I heard you tell the kids it was.
Edith, Edith, the kids was there, you see, and I had to come up with See, a pass is a tricky thing, Edith.
You never know.
You wouldn't know that, because you ain't a man of the world like me, you see.
But I'm out there every day amongst them in the smelting pot of New York, Edith, and I know all about passes.
I mean, I get them every month-- 10, 20.
You do? I do, Edith.
Oh, jeez, you don't know what goes on in them subways but then, you never know, see.
Like this here.
It's a question.
See, sometimes a person is looking at you, and then sometimes a person is looking at you, see.
See? You mean you might be mistaken about what Bobbi Jo did? That's all I'm saying, Edith.
You see, we got to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I got to apologize to her.
Archie? What? She's gone.
Edith, don't tell me that.
She can't be gone.
Oh, Archie, what's she gonna think of us? What's the Duke gonna think of me? Oh, Edith.
[GRUMBLING.]
Oh, Archie.
This whole night must have been very hard for you.
Oh, Edith, you ain't got no idea But I tried, didn't I? I tried to fix everything up here.
Sure you did.
You done the best you could.
Well, I always do, Edith.
That's the kind of guy I am.
Archie? It's 1:30.
Aren't you coming to bed? [GROANS.]
Are you still worrying about what the Duke will think? No, I ain't worrying about him.
I'm just remembering that I-talian grenade.
The one the Duke threw himself on to save your life? Yeah.
I wouldn't be surprised if he knew that that was a dud all the time.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Off your butt and on your feet, here.
We've got company coming.
I want this whole area, please.
Come on.
Move it, move it.
Boy, one sergeant's wife comes to visit, this places turns into an Army barracks.
Not Army, Meathead-- Air Force.
Remember that.
The 15th Air Force flying out of Foggia, Italy-- the ones that won the war.
The ones that won the war.
Yes.
Now, let's see what this detail is doing in here.
What are you doing, Edith? Ain't the meat dead yet? Oh, no, Archie.
It's chuck.
I'm tenderizing it.
Oh.
Well, that's all right, then.
You keep stabbing it, Edith, because Duke Loomis' wife ain't no spring chicken, you know.
She's probably got store teeth by now.
Daddy, I've never seen you this anxious.
Why are you making such a fuss over Mrs.
Loomis? Oh, I don't care nothing about her.
I'm doing this for the Duke, my best buddy, the guy that saved my life.
That's right, Gloria.
Sergeant Loomis threw himself on a live I-talian for Archie.
Edith it's an I-talian grenade, Edith.
A grenade that some joker threw into the barracks, there, see? And you can keep this in mind, little girl, if it wasn't for the Duke, you probably wouldn't be here today.
Neither would I.
Why not? I'd be living someplace else Aw, come on.
And Gloria would look different.
Come on, come on, come on.
Listen, what are yous fooling around? You got to set the table in there, because I want the front room to be looking nice when she gets here, so come on.
Set the table.
Move it, move it, move it, huh? What about you, Meathead? Didn't I give you a direct order? Arch, what's the rush? She's not gonna be here for at least an hour.
I want all departments in motion around here! Come on.
I want the Duke's wife to give him a good report on me.
Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke still be alive if he threw himself on a grenade? Because it was an I-talian grenade and it was a dud like everything else them pastafazoos made, but that ain't the point.
The point is that she's coming here for one night.
We got to make her welcome.
She's going to join the Duke over there in Germany.
Come on, we all got to make some sacrifices over here.
Listen, I'm giving up part of my bed upstairs, right, Edith? That's right.
Your father's going to sleep on the sofa.
Just think, Archie, this will be the first time in 24 years we ain't slept together.
Well, that's the sacrifice you gotta make, Edith.
Look, Archie, I found your old photo album from the war.
I thought maybe you'd like to show Mrs.
Loomis some of your old Army pictures.
Oh, that's great.
That's good thinking there, Edith.
Now maybe I won't have to talk to her too much because she's about as interesting as a doorknob, you know.
Is there a picture of Mrs.
Loomis in there? Nah, nah, nah.
She was the type that always used to run and hide when anybody come out with a camera.
Why? Oh, well, Edith, you'd do the same thing if you was 195 pounds at four-foot-seven.
[DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Oh, now, listen, Edith, whoever that is at the door, please don't waste no time, huh? Just hello, goodbye.
Nothing else in between.
Yeah.
Right, Archie.
Hi! Hi.
Can I help you, Miss? Missus.
Bobbi Jo Loomis, Duke's wife.
Oh, well, come in.
Archie, it's Mrs.
Loomis.
She's lost weight and grown taller.
Wait a minute, Edith.
There's something ain't kosher here.
Look out, look out.
Uh, did you say? I know you, PFC Archie Bunker.
I got a message for you from Duke.
What's the message? Now, wait a minute, I don't think I get this Oh, I'm Bobbi Jo, Duke's wife.
Well, come in, Mrs.
Loomis, and sit down.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Now, you know, I knew Duke's wife awful well No, no, no.
I know what's confusing you.
You were expecting the first Mrs.
Loomis.
I'm the second.
The first is deceased.
Oh.
Wait happened to her? She died.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I guess Duke should have warned you.
I hope you're not too disappointed.
Oh, no.
We're very happy to see you.
Uh, I'm their daughter, Gloria, and this is my husband, Michael Stivic.
Hi.
Hi.
So, uh, you're the Duke's second wife, huh? What do you know? You know, I was going to ask you for your ID Card over here at the door.
[LAUGHS.]
I wouldn't need ID.
All I'd have to do is remind you of those stories about you and Duke, like the time you two were at Madam Talini's place.
Madam Ta-who? In Rome, in 1945, in that big house near the train station.
Uh, hey! Uh Where'd you leave your bags? The driver left it on the porch.
Oh, Meathead, don't be standing there doing nothing.
Get the suitcase on the porch.
Bring it in here.
Who's Madam Talini? A nurse, Edith.
An Air Corps nurse over there.
In fact, she was the head nurse, which is why they called her "madam.
" Oh.
Excuse me.
Gloria and me better get the dinner ready, and meantime, you could help entertain Mrs.
Loomis, Archie.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
I can handle that.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, let me take your coat there, Mrs.
Loomis.
There.
It'll make you feel comfortable.
Jeez, was I surprised What are you looking at? Nothing.
Take the suitcase upstairs, huh? Sure, Arch.
Well, why don't we make ourselves comfortable, Mrs.
Loomis? Why don't you park yourself on the sofa over there? Well, thank you so much.
And, uh, I'll just hang up your coat over here on a hook.
[CHUCKLING.]
Jeez, we wasn't expecting you for about an hour, here, you know.
Oh, well, I took an earlier bus.
Oh, you took an earlier bus.
Yeah, oh, and listen, listen.
Edith dug out this old photo album of pictures of the Duke and me, Mrs.
Loomis.
Oh, why don't you call me Bobbi Jo? Bobbi Jo? Yeah, all right, I'll call you that.
That's a boy's name, though, huh? You don't look like no boy, though.
Aren't you sweet.
Well, now, Archie, I am just dying to hear everything you got to tell me about Duke.
You know, we barely said "I do" when wham! The Air Force shipped him off to West Germany just like that.
The Air Force ain't got no human feeling at all, huh? Well, now, why don't we look at the pictures? Yeah.
Oh, look at Duke, and look at that head of hair.
Oh, Archie, where was this picture taken? Oh, that's taken over there in Rome.
That's me and Duke eating at one of them restaurants that must have run out of roof, you know, because we're eating outside.
Oh, oh, now, Archie.
Well, now, here's you, but I can't find Duke.
Now, which one is he? Archie? Huh? You're not gonna find him looking there.
Oh, no.
I'm looking at the There, there, there he is! He was there all the time.
Oh, but you weren't.
Oh, you can't blame me, huh? How long are you standing there? I just got here.
Don't you never knock when you come into a room? What you want me to do, knock on the banister? Get lost, huh? EDITH: Archie? Yeah! Dinner's ready.
Oh, dinner's ready, huh? Yeah.
Uh, Bobbi Jo, dinner's ready.
We all go to the table when dinner's ready.
Oh, well, isn't that sweet? EDITH: Everybody sit down.
Oh, well, now, Edith, Edith, you just got to let me help you serve.
You know, I'm a terrific waitress.
Oh, thank you.
No, no.
None of that.
The guests don't serve in this here house.
Sit right down here, senior-ora.
We'll take care of everything, huh? Right next to the old patroney of the house, huh? That's sweet.
What? What? What? Converse nice about something here.
Uh Oh, Bobbi Jo, did you say something about being a waitress? Well, yes.
That's how I met Duke.
I was working at the Burgerama.
That's a drive-in on Route 27 outside of Tallahassee.
You know it? Uh, no.
Oh.
Well, the minute Duke drove up, and I saw that cute little bald-headed sergeant in that cute little sports car, a yellow MG, I said to myself, "Bobbi Jo, you got to have that man.
" Well, what did the Duke say when he first set eyes on you? Well, I was standing there in my little cowgirl outfit-- you know, that's what all us girls wore at the Burgerama-- and Duke drove up and he honked his horn, and I went strutting on over with my menu you know, the way we do, and I had on my little cowgirl hat and my white blouse and my little vest with tassels and itty-bity red hot pants, high white boots up to here, and he took one look and said, "I'll have a bowl of thighs.
" Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
Well, he meant chicken thighs, of course.
Here we are.
I hope everybody likes it rare.
Hey, Edith, you should have heard about the whirlwind courtship between Bobbi Jo and the Duke, here.
Oh, I just love true love stories.
How did he propose to you? Well, it was early one morning, and he just woke me up and said, "Honey, let's get married.
" Well, uh, you know, that's a kind of a risqué story for us here because, you know, we're kind of old-fashioned.
Oh, what did I say? I was asleep, and the phone rang and it was Duke.
Oh, oh, oh! Gee, well, what the hell.
That's legit.
See there, Edith? Nothing wrong with that.
Huh? Go on out and get the rolls, huh? Vegetables.
Hot stuff.
Oh, now, Gloria, let me help you with that.
No, no, no! You can't serve nothing around here.
You're the guest here.
Give me that.
I'll serve that.
What are you looking at? Get the salad, huh? Here we, oh look at this here, carrots.
They say they're awful good for you.
Yeah, good for the eyes, Arch.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
Hurry up with the salad, huh? Come on, Edith.
I'm waiting to serve the rolls.
Archie, you ain't never helped serve dinner before.
Well, Bobbi Jo Loomis ain't never been here before, Edith.
Hey, hey, what do you think of her, huh? Cute the way she talks with the southern accent there.
Yeah, and she's so cheerful and lively.
Duke was lucky to have found her.
Oh, Edith, I hope he was lucky.
What do you mean? Oh, Edith, you can tell by looking at her there-- fast and loose.
Oh, Archie.
But I don't blame her for nothing.
I mean, that's the way it is.
Nature, you know-- good-looking dame with a shape there and everything.
Men are always turning after her, give her the double-O, you know.
Now, listen, dames like that put thoughts in guys' heads.
Why kind of thoughts? Well, I don't know, Edith.
I don't have no thoughts like that.
Here are the last two cups, Gloria.
Oh, thank you.
Michael, if you don't speed up, we'll never get to the movies.
Bobbi Jo, what are you doing out in the kitchen? We got a lot more pictures to look at here.
We got a lot of ground to cover.
Daddy sure is acting different.
I wonder what it is.
I think it's his eyes.
His eyes? Oh, Gloria, haven't you noticed the way he's been looking at Bobbi Jo? Michael, that's my father.
Those things aren't on his mind.
Well, Gloria, something is.
You got to admit Bobbi Jo is uh, pretty well endowed.
Sounds like your eyes have been working overtime too.
Not overtime, just a regular working day.
Eight hours of looking, and then I punch out.
You're as big a letch as you say my father is.
Gloria, a little innocent lust never hurt anybody.
You just have to know how to deal with it, that's all.
See, your father, he doesn't know how to deal with it.
How do you deal with your lust? Well Go ahead, Michael, you can tell me.
How do you deal with your lust? That's funny.
That's how I deal with mine.
And that's the Duke and me.
We're fooling around with a couple of girls in the street in Naples, there.
I tell you, looking at them old pictures there, you know, it makes me feel that, well like I was Archie? What? I'm gonna make up the sofa now.
It's getting late, and you got to go to work tomorrow.
Oh, Edith, Edith, huh? It's only 10:00.
Who the hell ever goes to bed at 10:00? You do, Archie.
I'm putting you out of your bedroom.
Now, I'll sleep on the couch.
Oh, no.
He'll be very comfortable.
I even brought down his special pillow.
Oh, ixnay on the Archie can't sleep without it.
Oh, you got one of those too.
Oh, he's got lots of those things.
He can't even eat his cereal without his Chicago World's Fair spoon.
Never mind the pillow, huh, Edith? Come here, come here.
Go upstairs and get me a regular pillow, huh? All right.
That's all I need to sleep on is a regular pillow, Edith.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
Excuse me, there, Bobbi Jo.
Hey, come on, it's the shank of the evening.
Sit down and we'll look at the Oh, no, no, no.
See, I really have to get to sleep.
My flight for Germany is at 8:00 a.
m.
But you know, you have been just so sweet.
I mean, really, so kind, and I'm surely going to tell Duke just how wonderful you've been to me.
Oh, hey, likewise, I'm sure.
Well, but for now, I'm just going to say good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Gloria.
BOTH: Good night.
What are yous two doing here? We live here.
You doing a little spying here too, ain't you? What are you talking about? Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.
What's the matter with you? Are you going nuts or something? Get in the kitchen.
I want to talk to you.
What yous two seen out there, you didn't see it! What's going on, Daddy? I don't want neither one of yous to get the wrong idea, see, especially you, the husband because monkey sees, monkey does! And I don't go around kissing no women, see, and I didn't kiss that woman out there.
She kissed me.
Now, remember that, then forget it.
Archie, what are you so uptight about? Just because you're feeling guilty about being attracted to Bobbi Jo? What do you mean, "guilty"? I ain't guilty about nothing! Why should I be guilty? If anyone's guilty, well, she's guilty out there.
I didn't kiss Bobbi Jo.
Bobbi Jo kissed me.
She's the one that made the pass.
Daddy.
She made a pass at you? No, she didn't.
Well, all right, yeah.
She made a pass.
GLORIA: Mrs.
Loomis made a pass at you? ARCHIE: Made a pass, yes! Shh! Look at the face on you.
What's on your mind? Nothing.
It's just hard for me to believe that anybody would make a pass at you.
Don't be a wise guy, huh? Just remember this, the two of yous-- Edith ain't supposed to know nothing about that.
MICHAEL: All right, don't worry about it, Arch.
Come on, Gloria, we'll be late for the movies.
You're going to the movies late, huh? When you come home late, don't wake me up! I'll be on the couch, there.
Oh, Edith, you startled me.
I'm sorry.
Edith, do you like this? It's very pretty.
Oh, I'm glad you think so.
I was going to wear it to bed tonight, but I think I'll wait till Duke can see it.
I got something to tell you about going to bed.
What's that, Edith? You're not.
What? I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep here tonight.
Well, now, you see, I have been a problem.
I'm not going to be another bit of trouble.
I'm just going to get my things and go sleep on that couch.
No! I don't think it's a good idea for you to sleep here under the same roof with Archie.
Archie? I don't understand.
It's something I just heard.
I can't explain it, and I never in my whole life have I ever asked anybody to leave my house, and if I stay here another minute, I'm gonna cry.
So please that's all.
Please.
Hey, what's going on, Bobbi Jo? Where are you going with the suitcase? Don't you know? Your wife asked me to leave.
Aw, no, no, Bobbi Jo.
Edith never said that.
She said it was something she heard when she was down here a little while ago.
Oh, was she down here a little while ago? You wouldn't happen to know what she heard? No.
Your wife thinks I have a thing for you.
Now, why does she think that? Did she say that? She didn't have to.
Oh, this is kind of bad, Bobbi Jo.
No.
Don't worry, Archie.
Nobody's gonna know about this except you, me and Duke.
The Duke? No, no, no, wait a minute, Bobbi Jo.
You can't go out like this.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, you put the bag down and stay here.
Edith.
Hey, Edith.
Come down here, will you? I want to talk to you, huh? Uh, listen, there was a mix-up or something, you know, and Edith didn't mean that.
Now, I'll talk to her.
I'll straighten it all out, see? So, uh, Edith Edith? Uh, Edith, uh, I want to talk to you, Edith, but out in the kitchen, huh? Now, listen, you stay here.
Now, don't go nowhere, see.
Edith.
Edith, what are you doing? You can't kick her out of the house.
Is it true what I heard you tell the kids-- that she kissed you and made a pass at you? Well, Edith, yes and no.
What does that mean? Yes, she kissed me, but no, it wasn't no pass.
But I heard you tell the kids it was.
Edith, Edith, the kids was there, you see, and I had to come up with See, a pass is a tricky thing, Edith.
You never know.
You wouldn't know that, because you ain't a man of the world like me, you see.
But I'm out there every day amongst them in the smelting pot of New York, Edith, and I know all about passes.
I mean, I get them every month-- 10, 20.
You do? I do, Edith.
Oh, jeez, you don't know what goes on in them subways but then, you never know, see.
Like this here.
It's a question.
See, sometimes a person is looking at you, and then sometimes a person is looking at you, see.
See? You mean you might be mistaken about what Bobbi Jo did? That's all I'm saying, Edith.
You see, we got to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I got to apologize to her.
Archie? What? She's gone.
Edith, don't tell me that.
She can't be gone.
Oh, Archie, what's she gonna think of us? What's the Duke gonna think of me? Oh, Edith.
[GRUMBLING.]
Oh, Archie.
This whole night must have been very hard for you.
Oh, Edith, you ain't got no idea But I tried, didn't I? I tried to fix everything up here.
Sure you did.
You done the best you could.
Well, I always do, Edith.
That's the kind of guy I am.
Archie? It's 1:30.
Aren't you coming to bed? [GROANS.]
Are you still worrying about what the Duke will think? No, I ain't worrying about him.
I'm just remembering that I-talian grenade.
The one the Duke threw himself on to save your life? Yeah.
I wouldn't be surprised if he knew that that was a dud all the time.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.