American Housewife (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1 [Sighs.]
Hey, guys.
Well, hey! How was work? What event was this? Retirement party.
Oh.
How'd it turn out? Was he happy? He's retired.
His kids have moved out.
He's livin' my dream, man! Tacos again, huh? Yeah, but tonight, it's with lettuce-leaf shells.
I read it on Goop.
It's how Gwyneth makes hers.
Why can't you just go online and look at boobs like other husbands? Hey, you started working and put me in charge of dinners, but you are welcome to No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'll be good.
Mmm! Lettuce.
Oliver, why are you doing practice tests for the S.
A.
T.
? You're two years away.
I'm getting an early jump on things.
I'm gonna need a perfect score to get into Harvard.
Mnh-mnh, we bought that book for Taylor.
No, thank you! You need to take these practice tests if you're gonna get into college.
You'll notice Dad has stopped saying "good" college.
I've told you this many times.
I'm just not college material, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Greg, Taylor says there's nothing wrong with it.
So I guess that's the end of the conversation.
Teenage girls always have the best parenting instincts.
Thanks for setting us straight, Taylor.
- You're welcome! - I'm changing the Wi-Fi password.
I'll reveal one character for each hour you study.
Fine-ah! [Doorbell rings.]
Surprise.
What are you doing here, Mom? Can't I just drop by to see my family? It's not a drop-by if you have five pieces of luggage.
You know that I like to have wardrobe choices.
[Laughs.]
Oh, I wish I could be more like you, just rolling around in velour every day.
Hi, Grandma! Taylor! Would you help me with my bags? Mm-hmm! I'll just go get settled in the guest room.
That's my office.
She thinks my office is a guest room.
She also thinks a mojito and a pack of cigarettes is a balanced meal.
Mom, it's not that we're not happy to see you.
It just might not be the best time for a visit.
I have a new job, and the kids are getting into school.
Uh, sweetie, I hear you, and I completely understand.
Which is why I plan to be a big help around the house while I'm here.
Taylor.
Smile.
Pretty people should never frown.
Sorry, Grandma, but Mom and Dad are trying to force me to go to college.
Well, that's stupid.
All right, come with me.
Greg, walk me through this again.
You'll never get away with it, you'll get 20 years to life, and no parole.
Maybe I'll wait till Anna-Kat gets into high school.
Oh, Taylor, these are your good years.
You don't have to waste them on college.
Finally, someone who gets it.
No, you're at your peak energy, your your peak appearance.
Travel.
You could walk into any bar in Ibiza and end up riding around on some rich man's yacht for the next two years.
Ooh.
Do I get to pick the rich guy? Not usually.
Mom, you said you were going to be helpful.
This is not helpful.
What? I'm just giving advice.
That's what grandmothers do.
Not in a weirdly short robe, they don't.
Taylor, go get ready for school.
Fine, but I won't learn anything.
How long are you staying with us? I only ask because you brought a margarita machine.
Oh, yeah, that's the Jimmy Buffett, the Jaguar of at-home blended-drink makers.
- [Chuckles.]
- Mm.
Oh, which reminds me, Katie.
I'm gonna need a ride to Trader Joe's for limes and rim salt.
I'm not going to take anyone anywhere.
Today is my first day off in weeks, and I am going to soak up every moment of "The Bachelor.
" Will Karen F.
get a rose? Will Karen M.
get a rose? Who's there for the right reasons? You get a rose, and you get a rose, and you get a rose! - [Laughs.]
- Anna-Kat, are you okay? You seem kind of revved up.
Grandma's letting me have coffee.
Mom! Are you insane? You cannot give a nine-year-old coffee.
You're overreacting.
And if she has any trouble sleeping, I'll just give her a few flakes of a Kloni.
It's an old stewardess trick.
You cannot say stuff like that in front of the kids.
You are such a bad influence.
Oh, stop it.
People said the same thing about Galileo.
Kathryn, I must say, I'm impressed by the reference.
Greg, everyone at Katie's high school knew that Galileo Horowitz was not the bad seed some teachers made him out to be.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Principal Ablin.
Okay.
I will stop by your office when I drop the kids off at school.
Oliver, get down here! What was that? My day off being blown to bits.
Principal Ablin says he needs to talk to me about a very serious matter involving Oliver.
What did you do? I don't know.
He probably wants to give me an award or something.
It's not for community service.
- Am I right? - I'm not going to high-five that.
Does this mean you're not taking me to the store? I was never taking you to the store.
- Right.
- Everyone, get in the car! Anna-Kat? - Yes, Grandma? - Piece of advice.
Never have kids.
On it.
Oliver handed in this birdhouse yesterday in shop class.
Wow! You built that? - Great job.
- No.
This birdhouse was purchased at a store.
Oh, no, I don't think Oliver would do that.
I just bought this at Izzo's Hardware.
But I really don't know him that well.
Oliver cheated.
I am so disappointed in you.
I'm sorry.
I tried building one on my own.
It just kept falling apart.
Oliver will repeat shop class this summer, and this will go on his permanent record.
His one-week suspension begins immediately.
Immediately? Is there any way that we can start it tomorrow? You see, today is my day off.
Mrs.
Otto, you're talking to a man who doesn't take days off.
Don't you get the whole summer off? Yes.
And a great deal of holidays.
I'm so screwed.
If Harvard ever sees this, they'll never let me in.
- [Sighs.]
- This could destroy my whole future.
Well, you should have thought of that before you cheated.
Now I'm gonna be stuck at some dead-end loserville university like ugh, Cornell.
I can't believe you did that.
You always say cheating is the sign of a winner.
I never say that.
Anna-Kat, I just saw you take out money from under the board.
Cheating is not okay.
- But Mama says it is.
- I never said that.
- She cheated! - So? What do you mean, "so"? She cheated! Kids today don't even understand winning because everyone is given a stupid trophy.
So, if she wants to win and breaks a few rules to do it, I don't see a problem with it.
I think that's gonna come back and bite us on the ass.
Mnh-mnh.
Ohhh.
Ohhhh.
What am I gonna do? We'll talk to your dad and figure it out.
You're gonna tell Dad? Of course I'm gonna tell him.
I wouldn't.
He's definitely gonna blame you.
Hey! I'm not the one who cheated.
You did.
You're the one who's in trouble.
And you got suspended on my day off.
Now all my important plans are ruined.
You get to watch TV while I'm home from school.
Not with my pants off, I can't! Nice delivery, Taylor.
Thanks, Grandma.
You have the potential to lead the glamorous life of a stewardess.
Kathryn, they now prefer to be called flight attendants.
Flight attendants? Oh.
[Scoffs.]
Please.
You know, everything was perfect before the lawsuit, then they started hiring all those uggos.
You said you came here to help, but you're not helping.
You're the worst influence.
You know what? I think I need a bigger glass.
She is helping! She's helping me come up with another plan other than college.
There is no other plan.
College is the plan.
You're studying for the S.
A.
T.
s.
We're your parents, and we know what's best for you.
Speaking of, Greg, you should know what happened with Principal Ablin at school today.
[Luthor chewing.]
Anna-Kat, that's not how we finish our dinner.
But Mama always says Let's not "Mama always says" right now.
Well, at least you're not like your mom, giving them advice that's gonna totally derail their lives.
Oh [bleep.]
.
So, what did Principal Ablin want to tell you? Oliver's getting an award.
- Oh.
- [Blender whirs, shuts off.]
Mom, that's a vase.
Yeah.
Instead of cooking meals or helping with laundry, my mom is telling Taylor to do what she did not go to college and trade on her looks and body.
Moms are the worst.
You know, my mom is scared of dogs, which is why I bought German Shepherds and asked for them to be extra German.
Well, my mom couldn't be more helpful.
She cooks, she cleans - Shut up.
- Stop talking right now.
If you don't have anything destructive to say, don't say anything at all.
And what am I going to do about Oliver? I have to hide his suspension until I can fix it.
Otherwise, Greg is going to blame me.
Ugh! That kid is such an idiot.
Can I order something? Cheaters get the garnish.
That's it.
Well, I have to go to work.
Yep, me, too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't come with me.
I have to go throw a kid's first birthday party, and you can't go home because Dad might see you.
So, Doris is going to look after you.
No.
No, Mom, please.
Anything else.
Pick a bone, you can break it.
Sorry.
Next time, just build the stupid birdhouse.
I want you to meet my dogs.
I even have an outfit for you.
- [Dog growling.]
- Call him off! No, he likes you! He's just playing! [Dogs barking.]
Oh, Principal Ablin! What a surprise bumping into you.
This is my office.
I'm always here.
Well, I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I would drop off some cupcakes that I made just for you.
You can't bribe me with cupcakes! Especially not with that frosting-to-cake ratio! I like more frosting.
So, I guess this balloon sword doesn't do anything for you? No.
Vvvr! [Screaming.]
[Dogs barking.]
I'd call them off, but they're totally untrained! You know, even though you're showing a lot of natural ability, you don't want to become a stewardess right away.
Yes, I do.
It's the best job in the world.
Well, of course it is.
But first, just take a few years off.
You know, Dubai wasn't really popping when I was young, but it seems like a fun place to make mistakes.
This.
This is my college right here.
Why are you here again? Oh, I just missed you and the kids terribly.
- I'm serious.
- [Groans.]
I'm serious.
[Exhales sharply.]
I'm serious.
Well, you're just gonna have to believe me.
Well, you need to stop putting terrible ideas into my daughter's head.
Well, at least I'm putting something in her head.
What is that supposed to mean?! I don't know, I'm just firing back! So how was your day? Really, Mom? Like I couldn't hear you laughing over FaceTime with Doris? I talked to Principal Ablin, he's still not budging, and your dad cannot find out about your suspension.
So, you're gonna spend a couple more days with Doris.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Dad, I got suspended.
I can't go back there.
Suspended? - I cheated in shop class.
- How?! I bought a birdhouse and passed it off as my own.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
But you know who I'm more disappointed in? Mom.
For setting such a bad example.
Hey! No, you let our kids know it was okay to cheat, and now they're paying the price.
Plus, you tried to keep it from me.
In my defense, I keep tons of things from you.
Wh If Harvard ever finds out, there's no way I'm getting in.
I tried talking to Principal Ablin, and he still wouldn't listen.
What am I gonna do, Dad? I'll talk to Ablin, educator to educator.
But before that, you're gonna have to do what you should have done in the first place.
You're gonna build that birdhouse.
I don't care if it takes you all night.
Here, Mama.
I don't want my dolls anymore.
But you're their mommy.
I was, but Grandma's right.
I'm not having kids.
They're not worth it.
So many disappointments.
Educator to educator, give him another chance.
After all, it's only shop class.
I have had enough of all this shop-class bashing.
- You may mock it - No, I wasn't mocking.
Shop class is an essential part of the curriculum.
I understand that.
I was only saying that I myself was a very poor student, but I found myself in shop class.
The smell of sawdust, the whir of the miter saw.
I built this desk myself.
In fact, everything you see in this room, built with my own two hands.
I can't tell if you're joking.
You can show yourself out the door.
That I also built! Okay.
This class was supposed to be an easy "A," - and instead it ruined everything! - I'm sorry, Oliver.
Sometimes you have to just own up - and take responsibility for your actions.
- Mm-hmm.
Isn't that right, honey? I texted you a frowny face and a heart.
How much more responsibility can I take? Oliver, you could always become a stewardess with Taylor.
You can pick a fun hub, you two could get an apartment together.
Uh, maybe work for Lufthansa, the Harvard of the airlines.
Oh, look.
The captain just turned on the "Shut Your Friggin' Mouth" sign.
Mom, I'm gonna ask you again.
Why are you even here? Like I said to visit.
You never just come for a visit.
And because I rented my apartment to some Germans on Airbnb.
You rented your apartment? For how long? Oh, that's tough to say.
It could be a while.
Yeah, the Germans seem to be putting down roots.
One of them is running for city council.
Why in the world would you rent your apartment out? Well, if you must know, my pension from Pan Am didn't exactly pan out.
- Are you broke? - Not broke.
No, I am definitely keeping the Germans' security deposit.
I can't believe it.
Your life is a mess and you are giving my kids advice? I was just trying to help! Always in the wrong ways! Oh, like you're so great yourself! Yeah, you always complain about Grandma being a bad influence, but the apple didn't fall far from the sauce.
Yeah, you don't need to go to college.
You're all set.
You know, Taylor makes a good point.
You're judging your mom for being a poor influence on the kids, and she is, but you're just as bad.
That is not true.
It totally is.
You condone cheating, manipulation, grape-stealing in the supermarket.
Oh, that isn't stealing.
No, that's hospitality that is factored into the cost of doing business.
Stealing grapes with my kids was the only thing I was looking forward to.
Now that's bad? Feeling really good about dying a spinster.
Right there.
Generational bad influence in action.
You're like your mom.
Well, what do you know? You grew up to be just like me.
[Retching.]
[Sighs.]
I think that's all of it.
[Toilet flushes.]
All she said was Greg, please.
I don't have anything left to throw up.
I have dedicated my life to not being like my mother.
How did this happen? Listen, it happened to me, too.
I never wanted to be like my dad.
Next thing you know, I'm putting an "I Brake for Chaucer" bumper sticker on my attache.
[Sighs.]
Is everything okay? Oh, my God.
I am just like her.
I always ask if everything's okay without really caring.
I care.
Oh, my God.
I'm just like my mother.
I double down even when I'm lying.
So, this behavior is hereditary.
It's in the genes.
Some families pass on high blood pressure.
Yours passes on terribleness.
Mom, Greg might be onto something.
This has got to stop.
I cannot pass this down to my kids.
You're right.
No, this ends today.
Do you really mean that, or are you just doubling down? I don't even know anymore.
Listen, I recognize the situation that you're in is partially my fault.
The whole "cheating is for winners" thing might have been a mixed message.
Yeah, but I also should've been smart enough not to cheat when I want to go to Harvard.
What am I gonna do? What you're gonna do is not let one mistake derail your whole life.
And, Taylor, I may not have given you the best advice.
What are you talking about? Your life was awesome.
It was.
Oh, it really was.
[Chuckles.]
Trust me, you get a chance to spend a weekend in Tahiti with Ricardo Montalban, you take it.
[Chuckles.]
Story for another time.
- Mm-hmm.
- The point is [Sighs.]
You need to go to college.
What for? I mean, I'll just do what you did.
Your life was amazing.
Uh-huh, but if you go to college, then you'll have other options for when your airline goes bankrupt, taking your pension with it, and you won't wind up broke with six Germans crammed in your apartment ordering weird movies with your iTunes like "FernGully" while you're two states away, sponging off your kid.
[Sighs.]
It's just a real good idea to have a back-up plan 'cause you might not be as lucky as me and get a daughter like I did.
And then I can visit you in college.
Oh, frat boys love me.
[Sighs.]
- Right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, if I go to Cornell, I'll be next to Niagara Falls, so when I get too depressed, I'll just hop in a barrel and throw myself over.
Oliver, why do you have to be so melancholy all the time? Wait, did I use that right? I did.
Oh, no! I'm learning things.
How long is your mom gonna sleep? I have to get into my office sometime today.
She and Mama have so much in common that maybe if we open up a package of cinnamon rolls, she'll wake up, too.
- [Door opens.]
- [Giggles.]
Well, I better be going.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you, Kathryn, for an unforgettable night.
Oh, no, thank you, Principal Abs-lin.
Ohhh.
Yeah.
Okay, then.
[Laughs.]
Oliver, your record is wiped clean.
I did a little woodworking of my own.
Grandma, you're the best.
Oh.
See? I told you I could be helpful.
That was some move.
You don't think you got into Duke just because of your field hockey, do you? Honey [Snickers.]
Just because Nana used her nah-nah to get you off the hook with Principal Ablin doesn't mean you're off the hook for cheating.
So, what is it? I'm grounded, no screens, blah, blah, blah? No.
Something much worse.
So, bell is to church as horn is to rhinoceros? No.
Car.
I'm pretty sure a rhino's the one with the horn.
This is inhumane.
Mom and Dad said it was your punishment to tutor me.
Mom, I beg you, anything else.
It'd be easier to teach Luthor how to juggle.
I'll give you a choice it's either this or Doris.
[Screaming.]
[Dogs barking, growling.]
[Laughs.]
This is still better! Release the bees.
[School bell rings.]
Hey, champ.
[Chuckles.]
So, did your, uh, grandma say anything about me? No, she's been busy.
Oh.
Cool.
I've been busy, too.
Okay, um, I've got to get going.
Math class.
See you around, Principal Ablin.
You know what? You can go ahead and call me Grandpa Ablin.
I-I don't want to do that.
- Gramps? - No.
Pappy? It's more folksy.
Don't worry, we'll find it.
That's my boy.
[Door closes.]
Hey, not so hard.
I built that door.
I built this whole school.
Mm.