An Idiot Abroad (2010) s03e03 Episode Script
China
1 Marco Polo one of the world's greatest explorers.
In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China that took over three years to complete.
Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl pilkington to follow in his footsteps.
But this time, he's got a little company.
Will you stop just puffing and panting like that? [Bleep.]
It's like a primark sale.
He said if he did again, he'd want some company this time.
He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.
Grab hold of that.
I can't see.
They're like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.
He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.
He says he doesn't want adventure, he doesn't want stress.
- I'm just not a good swimmer.
- Once you're in, it'll be fine.
Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Now do a little bit from "Oliver!" Good.
Hey.
It's not the night for this, is it? Why don't you have to do it? I'm not doing it.
They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime, whether they like it or not.
Whoa.
Previously on "An Idiot Abroad" Dick Whittington had a cat with him and you went, "why take a cat?" Take a little mate.
I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.
This is your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.
This is good.
Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.
Let's have some company.
" One, two.
One, two.
There's no way that I'm having it that Warwick's a better dancer than me.
No way.
It seems what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.
Oh! Whoa! I never had a kite.
Get me down.
What you're gonna see now, you'll never get the chance to see again.
The spider sisters.
I'm just gonna wait outside, let Karl go and ask his questions.
Do you have the main and you have the pudding? I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.
Because it is something different.
I've done a lot for him, now.
Let me have a bit of "me" time.
I've come to see them because they're different.
That's all it is, it's not to poke fun.
It's because they're different.
People out there are coming in here to see new things.
Look at the crowd Warwick got.
Hello.
It'd be good if Warwick was willing to sit on there and raise some more money.
I'll sit there white person, bald they've never seen that before.
They've never seen a little man before.
Would it make any difference, for them money-wise if me and Warwick were to stay on the stage as well? She said it's good, yeah, she doesn't mind.
Ok, let's have a way with Warwick.
Oh great.
It's embarrassing.
I'm not just gonna go and stand there, and have people look.
Do you know what I mean? Well what's the what's the point? Karl? What are you doing? Just when you said the weirdest, stupidest thing ever, you top it.
I think it's weird that we're pulling ourselves on this side.
That's what making this horrible.
If we all just sat there together, it's not a problem.
You sit there, I'll sit behind you.
People come in.
I'll give you a sense of party.
You do what you wanna do when you need to, so obviously you , you do that, and I'll I'll go outside and wait.
I don't I don't understand his priorities.
He's happy to dress up as leprechauns, and and stuff, but he won't sit on the stage which he likes and he won't let me comb his hair.
Everything we've been through, together.
They say they've come to see Warwick.
Why? Why Warwick, not me? I can't see any merit in me doing it.
If I had something to do, something to give here, then so be it.
It's a performance.
But it isn't.
Me just sitting there I'm not bringing anything to the table here, am I? Who, me? But round head.
Oh.
- - Come on.
What do you look like, Karl? I need you.
You're my partner.
But what are we doing then? I will comb your hair.
I'll massage you.
Are you all right? Are you all right? Ben Fogle wouldn't have left James Cracknell.
Cannon and Ball always did stuff together.
The Chuckle Brothers there wasn't a word with one chuckle.
You're standing there, getting an eyeful for free.
Warwick, just get on the [Bleep.]
stage.
Shout his name.
Warwick, Warwick, Warwick, Warwick.
This is ridiculous.
Yes.
You bastard.
Yay! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'm going to bloody kill you.
Warwick, you okay? Not really.
I think I'm having some sort of weird dream here.
Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
All right, you're all right.
Yeah, go on then, that's it.
Yeah, that's it.
Give it a good squeeze.
Aah! There you go.
Very nice.
Thank you, ladies, very much.
Thank you very much.
Easy, easy.
It's one bit of fun.
That's all it was.
You are never gonna see the Spider Sisters or anything like it again.
Okay.
You could see this again, quite easily.
No, I just don't want to talk about that whole scenario again.
It's like sulfur docks, this.
So, how far are we going on this boat? - I'm not in the mood for it.
- Why? Got the [Bleep.]
.
It's a bit funny I've got the [Bleep.]
and you haven't.
Well, I'm careful.
Well, you haven't been getting into it, have you? You've been having deep-pan pizzas every day.
I wanted you to get ill.
But why does that bother you so much? Because then you can be part of the team.
It's like the red-ass gang.
At least then I don't know you won't annoy me as much.
It's annoying me how you're not ill, and you're not experiencing what everyone else is.
If I'm chucking up in the toilet with the [Bleep.]
.
You'd come in and pat me on the back and say, "great, Warwick"? Well, yeah, that's what's connection with you.
So your connection with me would be through my ass, then? Come on, better go catch the boat, Karl.
Nice smell of piss in the air.
Thank you very much.
Mind your step here, Karl.
It's not even hooked on.
Have you been on a cruise before? No.
And I won't be again, if they're all like this.
It's not good when the carpet's dumped, though, is it? Hell, the Titanic was brought up and looked better than this.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, it's my room.
He's just helping me with my luggage.
Well, there's the toilet.
To be honest, that is useful for me, though not at the moment.
The toilet's got a shower door on it.
That's well, the way it's spurting out of my ass.
I'm not joking.
And I know what's happening here.
'Cause you've got this room, so what's mine like? Shower.
Pbht! All at the same time.
That's the toilet? Don't use that one.
I've got bad guts, and I'm not doing this.
I'm sick of it.
I'm just sick of it.
[Bleep.]
Sake.
Aah, God.
Aah.
Aah! Aah! I just want to see Warwick.
Hello.
Warwick, I don't know what's going on.
I don't know why you're getting special treatment.
I haven't even got me own toilet.
Someone's already been on my toilet.
There's already something there, and we haven't even left dock yet.
Well, what have you got then? I haven't got anything.
Just a bed with about four or five other strangers.
- Are you sharing? - Yes.
Oh.
It's just annoying me the way that we're not having the same experiences.
So, let's go down the little corridor and share the same experience.
Well, is it the same way you made me share the experience - with the Spider Sisters? - Yeah.
Mm.
Well, then maybe this is all payback.
All this.
All right, forget it then.
Forget it.
You've come to your room then.
Don't get like that.
Don't get all nasty.
No, stick it up your ass.
"We should stick together.
" But that's not what he did that day.
Suppose two wrongs don't make a right, does it? I should I've had the [Bleep.]
all day.
The cabin that you sorted out for me, I'm in there with the [Bleep.]
grumble-weeds.
There's one toilet between about five of us Listen to this.
That's what I'm sharing with.
Oh, no! It isn't on.
No, I'm not doing that with him in there.
I won't sleep.
I think a nightmare is that.
Did you get any sleep, Karl? Yeah, a few minutes.
Yeah.
Have you seen Warwick? Did he sleep? Marco Polo must've been pissed off by this point.
It's horrible.
It's horrible.
It's a place to visit in a submarine, this river.
It's polluted to hell and back, innit? I know people moan at home, sort of saying, "oh, all our industries are gone and factories are gone, and people aren't making things at home.
" But they are here.
I mean, everything you pick up is made in China, isn't it, and look what it does to the place.
Factories putting all their [Bleep.]
in the air.
Let them keep it, honestly.
They don't want this at home.
It's depressing enough without having skies like this.
You hear it all the time, don't you? "We don't do anything anymore.
" "We don't make anything.
" It's all sort of coffee shops and paninis and charity shops.
But at least we have blue skies.
If you're gonna be pissed off at home, be pissed off with a blue sky.
Imagine being pissed off here.
Hello? We, uh we're not on it.
'Cause it was horrible.
Honestly.
It was misty, and the toilets were shocking.
There was turds everywhere.
Gillian McKeith that's the only person who would've liked that little boat trip.
Cool.
A real one? Wow, that's amazing.
Thank you very much.
For once, Karl, you're speechless about it, huh? Are they dangerous at all? All right.
I'm excited about this.
What was the last thing you saw a panda actually do and that you went, "that's useful"? Well, I do know this that their urine is collected by Sichuan tribal people, and if somebody swallowed a needle, they'd drink it, it'll dissolve the needle.
But what we're doing there is saving idiots.
If they're eating needles, that's nature's way of wiping them out.
We're saving everyone now.
That's the problem.
Yeah, well, I was just giving you a use for a panda.
Yeah, but it's not good enough.
Not good enough.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
- Professor Xiao? - Yeah.
- Yes, I'm Warwick Davis.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm Karl.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- How are you doing? It's the breeding.
They teach breeding behavior.
Yes.
I'm not wanking off a panda.
Look at this! So it's like saying the right thing to the lady first at dinner.
If they don't make the right noise, then she's - Uninterested.
- Thank you.
You have different films for it to hear and watch? Or is it the same? I don't know about that.
That works, does it? And it's the same one, is it? The same film over and over again.
So, you're gonna get bored of that, anyway.
I've seen rude films.
You can't watch them more than three times.
You go, "what else have you got?" How many times do you watch them, Warwick? What, the panda films? No, I've never watched any other sort.
You've never watched any rude films? No, I I haven't ever felt a need to, actually, to be honest.
No, it's not that I don't need, is it? It's like how I want to see the Spider Women.
It's just, "what's all that about? People watch these.
What's going on?" Nothing rude about it.
Oh, and you did it for research purposes.
Yeah, just have a look at what goes on.
- Of course.
- Get some ideas.
He's saying we got to dress up? But surely that's more dangerous, isn't it? If we look like a panda? I've been a few bears in my time, but never a panda.
Does this really convince them? Berserk.
It's bollocks, all this.
It's just another excuse to dress it up.
How about trying to get in the mind of the character now? Don't start, Warwick.
Don't start.
Just put your costume on.
Don't just wear it like that.
I'm gonna put the hood on when I get in there.
Get involved because otherwise it's gonna look ridiculous.
I've seen pandas on the telly with people near them.
I've never seen Attenborough dressed up like this.
But I'm just thinking if something goes tits up, I can't see where I'm going, I'm hot, I'm gonna trip over.
It's just not safe.
If it kicks off and I have to thump it in the head, and I end up injuring it, again, I look like the bad man.
"Karl Thumps endangered species in the head.
" By the end of the day, if it comes at me, I will go at it, and I'm not being responsible for what happens.
I have to kick it between the bollocks, that's what's gonna happen.
I will kick a panda in the bollocks if I have to.
Do we need to make any sounds? What sound does a panda make? I feel like, probably, I'm gonna be a little baby one.
Chirps? How does that go? What about mommy panda? What noise? Yeah, let's just go in.
Let's go and have a look.
You get in all the gear, you got to have the sounds and the behavior.
We don't know anything about the bear, and that panda never does that, for example.
Karl, you can't stand on your two legs.
They never do that.
- My mouth? - Where are you going to? I'm trying to suckle.
Yeah, I'm letting it get here.
- Where is it, mum? - Where's your head? I can't see.
There, grab on to that, bear.
No wonder they're dying out if they're like you.
Let's face it.
It's just looking down thinking, "what's going on?" This looks like we've been doing the London marathon and got lost.
Is this, honest to God, on your mom's life, is this gonna make it come towards us? Just stick with it, Karl, honestly.
Just act real.
Act naturally.
Like a panda.
Jesus Christ.
Karl, he's coming down.
We go out? Karl, we got to go out.
- Why? - It's coming down.
Well, what we come in for? That was a lot of effort, that, wasn't it? Just enticed him down.
I just thought we were gonna we'll get him something.
It's a long way to come just to see that.
Hello.
Just having a nice day.
No stress.
Having a wander about.
Some days it's just good to see what normal people do.
First restful day we've had.
You go to the park much in London? Yeah, all the time.
I love a good walk.
I like people-watching.
What's this? What are they copying? Is it news headlines or something? It is news.
It's like a really basic cfax.
The word on the street that's where the phrase comes from.
I was just gonna do my signature, I think.
Let's do a little of that.
Good, innit? That is good.
You see, the thing is, it's hard to be an explorer now, innit? Everything has been found.
It was a piece of piss back then with old Marco going where he wants and saying that he's found new land.
Look at that baby.
Good God.
You see the fat baby? No, it's not overweight.
It's just a bit chubby.
It's just a little puppy fat.
You don't see many fat Chinese, do you? Maybe the food's not very nice.
Are you gonna ask them if they'll eat pizza? I quite fancy pizza.
Grab something a bit weird.
And I'll have it with you.
We got cold pork lung.
Pig ear.
I love pig ear.
Karl! I've got a table! Warwick, this isn't that bad.
No.
They haven't got anything weird.
I thought they'd have well weirder stuff.
I mean, that doesn't look normal.
It smells of licorice, that one.
Eat one of them.
It's not that bad.
Can I nibble the edge of it? It's worse.
Just shove it in.
Ugh! Don't tell me what it is.
That's a lamb bollock.
What's wrong with eating a little sheep bollock? Really? Stop mentioning testicles.
Right.
Now, I don't know how you eat one of these.
I think you just pick it up with your hand and have a chunk.
That's like stone.
That's solid.
Oh fuck no.
It's a head.
Just just have a bite of that.
I'm not eating it now.
Now I know it's a head.
Oh, Karl.
Bloody hell.
Oh! Try it.
Just have a bite of its face.
Stop pushing it to me.
Uhh! Come on.
Just have a bite.
Bite into it.
Oh [Bleep.]
no.
You let me down.
I'm not letting you down.
Forget it.
Forget it.
Stupid.
Don't throw bollocks at me like that either.
Ridiculous.
I got a job to do.
I didn't want to go down with illness.
No, but that's part of it, I think.
You've been in travel.
And then whatever you do, if that happens, that's part of the story.
Right.
Honestly, there's people who would watch Attenborough and think Here.
Look.
What's he shoving in? It's like a little blade.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's nice, that, innit? That is nice.
He seems to know how far he can how far he can go with it.
Tickling.
Oh, my God! [Bleep.]
Warwick.
You've had that in your ear.
I didn't have that much.
Well No wonder you haven't, like [Bleep.]
yourself since you've been here.
All your orifices blocked up with wax.
Good [Bleep.]
.
It's disgusting, actually.
It is.
You should do your ears, you little [Bleep.]
.
It's deep in me ears.
You could actually make like a little madame Tussauds model of Warwick with him out of wax that's come out of his head.
Funny little fellow, isn't he? Imagine him as a removal man.
Yeah.
Pissing about.
Just get them in the van.
On our way to see a Buddhist temple, which is something I really wanted to see in China.
But my sinuses are really, really hurting.
And so, yeah, don't feel so great, to be honest.
I've done a few mountains, you know.
It hurts your head.
It was hurting his head before we even started.
So, should we knock it on the head? Just, you're never gonna get this opportunity again.
That's what I'm disappointed about.
Yeah, but if the memory of it is going, "me head!" What's the point? Well, I want to do it.
I want to have a go at it.
But I don't know.
Should we just start walking and just have a go? All right.
Let's just start walking.
If he manages to do it his own two feet, he's gonna feel a lot better than if he sat in this.
It's like going up there on a, you know, a chair lift, innit? So, what do you know about buddhism? Dalai Lama bloke.
He's so happy, stress-free fellow, but he's not living a normal life, is he? If we all did what he did, how would anything get done? He sits around, coming up with thoughts, but he's got blokes who empty his bins, to wash the pots, to do his food.
If we all did that, we'd still be living in mud huts.
Oh, God.
Are you all right, yeah? I'm tired, but I'm slightly worried about getting in them.
I don't know how how can they carry someone up these steps? That's what they do.
It's a little chair, innit? They're made for it.
If you get it in now, it's a little bit of a give up early.
I don't want to be seen as giving up.
No, I don't want to be He's not cut out for it.
He is not cut out for this.
I keep looking behind, and he's dropped behind.
He's slowing me down.
I want to move on.
All right.
I'm stopping for a bit.
I mean, it's just hard anyway, but with this, it's like it's twice as hard.
Suzanne is always yelling at me.
When she's ill, I'm rubbish around her.
Counting units at supermarket instead.
I'm just not good around ill people.
How much farther is it do you know? Well, I think we're not even a quarter of the way.
I'm not gonna be able to make it.
It's okay to not get to the top, Warwick.
No, it's not okay.
Just knock it on the head.
He's not a Buddhist.
So why is it so important? We've come so far through our journey, and we kind of what we've been through and stuff we've always managed to keep going, and then He's his own man.
If he wants to give up, he can.
There's no prize there.
We're not gonna win something.
There's not a caravan up for grabs if we make it to the top.
It's just a walk and a temple.
I thought it was better just to give up done that's what I could do, and that's it or to jump in there and Karl? You giving up? You're knocking it on the head? My head's not up to it today.
I want to go up and see it.
You knew your limits down there.
I said, "if you don't want to go, don't do it.
" And now we're halfway up.
But I do want to go that's the thing.
It's like dragging around a Henry the vac.
You know that thing you walk, and it gets caught under a chair, and you got to walk back block it.
That's what it's been like with your big smiling face.
I'm gonna call it a day here.
Definitely.
It's too easy to say, "I've got a headache or me legs or " It is easy, if you haven't got a headache.
Karl, in my career, I've put up with all sorts of stuff.
The stuff I endure in costumes and stuff it's hard.
This makes a mockery of the whole "Star Wars" thing, anyway.
You're in the universe.
I didn't see you up there, going "sinuses.
" That's what he sounded like all his noses blocked.
"I need a vicks.
" No, I can't I don't think I'll get all the way.
Sometimes, Karl, you see, I don't think you see what others see, you know.
You were up there having a go at Warwick.
Warwick's down below actually having a little tear on.
You didn't cry, did you, on camera? Hang on.
I didn't mean to.
It's just Oh, here we go.
I hate that.
I feel like doing it just to annoy him now.
Exactly.
That's exactly how I work.
That's how I would do it with Suzanne.
"You never wash up.
" "I do.
" "You don't.
" Then she does it.
It's the same thing being pushed.
So what I want to say to you is, get off your ass and get walking.
Let's keep going.
We can do it.
Oh, bloody hell.
Whoa! [Bleep.]
Poor fellows.
Now, if we do make it up, he can't say he walked all the way.
This is part of the experience, as well, innit? Oh, it is, now, is it? It wasn't a minute ago.
No, but I thought you know.
Travel that's what it's all about.
Pilkington uses the goal posts once again.
He's like having a little kid with me 'cause of his height.
And he likes toffees, and he likes pizza.
I feel like his dad and that's what I was acting like when I was coming up the hill, like, "come on, son.
" And that's how I would have said if I'd have got a son, that's how I would have spoke to him "Get off your ass and get up here.
" Wow.
Oh Jesus, there's more stairs? I'll tell you what you can't be a Buddhist in a wheelchair.
I don't think he realizes what he's saying sometimes.
Yeah, "dragging a Henry vacuum behind me, and having to stop and empty it now and again.
" I mean, how offensive can you be? But he was what I needed.
I gave him the kick to do it.
And sometimes, that's what you need you need a good leader.
I was like Winston Churchill or something like that.
8 7 6 "When you're going through hell, keep going.
" And that's what I did down there I was Winston Churchill.
"Don't give me that [Bleep.]
keep going.
" 3 2 Hang on 1! That's it.
Yes! Here we are! That's amazing.
Yeah, that stuff is impressive, that.
Absolutely, yeah.
You see, what annoys me, though, Warwick, right you didn't like seeing the woman with two heads.
Suddenly, you're up here, and she's got six.
Were you really crying before or was that just messing about? - No, I was.
- Why? I don't know.
I think it's something to do with being short.
It's harder to be defeated.
Do you know what I mean? They'll make it look like an "X Factor" moment.
You'll be loving that, won't you? They'll have Coldplay under that.
Will the little man do it? I'm telling you, and everyone will be like that.
Come on.
Coldplay! It has brought us closer together.
Well, the one bad thing to come out of this he's got a disabled badge for his car he's gonna get that taken off him.
'Cause you can't be climbing stuff like this, and then getting home, going, "I need to park here.
" That's well gone, but I haven't told him.
[Beeps.]
I don't like getting dressed up especially not to have a meal.
If I'm having a Sunday dinner at home, I normally sit there with nothing on top.
Take my T-shirt off and everything.
'Cause you drop a bit of chicken and gravy gravy's got grease in it.
It doesn't come out.
I sit there, bare-chested around the table.
And enjoy it.
You don't have to be dressed up.
I'll pop a T-shirt back on when it's time for pudding.
It's gonna be all right, this.
Ricky sorted everything out.
It's gonna be a lovely evening.
It's really nice that you set this up to celebrate the end of the journey.
And then, in true Ricky style, he's throwing a bit of a spinner in the works for me.
I got a text from him.
We're not just going up there to look at the view.
He wants Karl to do a sky dive.
It's just far from it.
Why do this when we've invented buttons? Funnying about.
What Ricky's basically said about tonight is "don't let me down, and it's in your hands to get him to do this.
I don't want the show to finish on a damp squib.
" You know, we've got to end with a big finish.
Everyone wants to see him jump.
Oh, the good life You gonna have a pudding? Yeah.
Full of fun He's paying, of course.
I'd actually like to see a plate of food and know it's for me, and it's my job to eat what's on that plate.
The way they keep sort of bringing out dishes of noodles and then some dim sum and a dumpling.
Yeah, it's just, like, a load of starch, hasn't it? It's gonna be nice.
That way.
Good seeing you dressed up.
I don't know, just for something to eat? Just seems a bit over the top to me.
Restaurants at the top there, yep.
Welcome to Macau Tower.
We hope you will enjoy your visit to this 338-meter iconic landmark.
I, uh, I got a text from Ricky earlier.
"Hope you had a nice time.
" They do other stuff here as well as food.
You can, um you can do sort of extreme sort of sports.
Bungee jumping funny.
No, no, it's not bungee jumping.
Oh, it is though, innit? - No, no, no, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is.
I don't do extreme stuff, Warwick.
Hello, there, I'm Warwick.
- Tony O'Rourke.
- Hello, Tony.
- Hi, how've you been? - Welcome to Macau Tower.
We have various activities.
We have our skywalk, which is walking the outer rim.
We have our skyjump.
We have our world's highest bungee jump.
So, you know what bungee jumping is, yeah? Yeah, I've been faced with it, and I'm not doing it.
Skyjump is actually designed for those people who could never do a bungee jump.
You guys want to have a look? Yeah, I'm anxious to go outside and have a look.
It's just that I'm not gonna jump.
As you can see, everything is doubled.
We attach the two attachments to your harness, and then what we do is we slowly ever so slowly just lower you to the ground.
It's actually what we call a controlled descent.
Right.
It's just a gentle ride.
Karl, come here.
Yeah.
Come here.
Hang on a second.
Do you remember, like, you remember the mountain the other day? - Yeah.
- Right? I didn't want to do it.
I couldn't do it, not that I didn't want to.
And you motivated me to do it.
Yeah, and I'm glad I did.
And the food thing! And you were going, "eat it," and I would never have gone anywhere near a testicle.
But I did, because you were going, "have it.
" Why don't you do it? This is about you conquering something.
What was the other things that you said we can do? The skywalk, which is just walking the perimeter of the tower.
Yeah, that's a double.
That stuff's easy, walking on that.
Here we go.
Excellent.
Whoa.
Oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Karl, have you looked straight down? Yeah.
Your brain's telling you this can't be real.
You wouldn't be this stupid, surely.
I don't want any more of a rush than that.
I can understand the view, but jumping off I really don't know what it's about.
Should go for a wander.
It's pathetic, though, innit? What? Well What, the fact that you won't do the old skydive? No, no.
No, just that Ricky keeps going on about this.
Well, I don't want to do one, and he can't make me, and he wouldn't do one.
It's not as if he's been jumping off buildings.
I've never seen him do anything with a slight bit of danger.
There's just nothing in me that makes me want to jump off there.
Sometimes that's what annoys me with films.
There's always a happy ending.
Life isn't like that.
People don't always get what they want.
Me favorite films are "Elephant Man," who ends up killing himself because he's sick of having that head.
Yeah.
And cares when his kestrel gets killed by his brother.
I don't like happy endings.
Can you sit down on the edge? I can't get any nearer the edge 'cause I got tension.
Where's your knees? Have you got knees? Yeah, I have, yeah.
We've done this whole thing together epic journey put up with all sorts of stuff.
Yeah.
You know, shouting, hating each other, got on with each other, we should do the last thing together.
I'll do it if you do it.
Well, I'm not gonna be doing it, so It can't be that hard.
Look at me now.
- I'm hanging over here.
- Yeah, I know.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You could do it.
Fine, hook me up.
Have you had a dwarf up here before? No.
So this is a world record, then.
Check.
Okay, I just checked you.
That's that's making me nervous.
Check.
You're gonna feel yourself lifting off.
Nah, no way.
Warwick, that is mental.
Bloody hell! Aah! I just looked down there.
Warwick, are you sure? Oh [Bleep.]
, stay there.
- I'm here.
- Nah, no way.
No, look at me.
You don't have to do it.
You're idiots! All of you! Spin around again.
You're gonna be fine.
Let's just do this.
We're gonna do it, okay, Warwick? Skyjump in five seconds.
4 No, don't say that.
Don't count it like that.
1 [Bleep.]
.
Good luck.
Uh-oh.
Oh! Oh, my God.
[Bleep.]
That! Oh, my God.
Oh [Bleep.]
.
No, I don't want to look.
I do not want to look.
That was way too fast.
Ha, ha ha! This is amazing! Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Wha-ha-ha! That's amazing! [Bleep.]
Okay, sir.
That's so good! Walk a little bit here, okay.
That's amazing! I want to do it again.
That is so good! Hello, Ricky.
It's Warwick.
We're at the top of the skytower in Macau, and I just jumped off it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did it.
It felt great.
And Karl nearly did it.
Yeah, I just sort of were around the edge of it.
Well high up.
- Yeah.
- - - No.
Bawk! Yeah.
Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! I'm pleased for Warwick.
I feel like I've been part of it.
I helped him get on the ledge.
And then you ran away.
Yeah, but I helped you do it.
- That's just teamwork, innit? - Okay.
Yeah, well, that was worth doing, wasn't it? It's for me health.
- Finger up the ass? - Yeah, I'm fine with that.
I'm all checked out, honestly.
Are you? And I've had me ears done on this trip as well, so all orifices are clear, thank you very much.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Oh, I've seen them.
Don't worry.
You haven't.
In his little harness he's got on.
Like a little bunch of grapes being lowered down.
Cargo.
Look at them.
It's cold.
It's unbelievable, 'cause they're normal, aren't they? They're normal-sized bollocks.
Well, I don't know.
I'm not comparing them to anything, but - Believe me.
- Why shouldn't we have to Why [Beeps.]
He's gone.
That's the end of that.
There you go.
Stop going on about my nuts, will you? I know, but it's unbelievable.
That's something I won't forget the Spider Sisters and them.
That's all you take away from this trip is the Spider Sisters and my nuts.
Great.
All right, let's get something to eat.
Wow! Ooh! Get me down! Karl, smile.
Knew you were coming.
In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China that took over three years to complete.
Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl pilkington to follow in his footsteps.
But this time, he's got a little company.
Will you stop just puffing and panting like that? [Bleep.]
It's like a primark sale.
He said if he did again, he'd want some company this time.
He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.
Grab hold of that.
I can't see.
They're like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.
He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.
He says he doesn't want adventure, he doesn't want stress.
- I'm just not a good swimmer.
- Once you're in, it'll be fine.
Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Now do a little bit from "Oliver!" Good.
Hey.
It's not the night for this, is it? Why don't you have to do it? I'm not doing it.
They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime, whether they like it or not.
Whoa.
Previously on "An Idiot Abroad" Dick Whittington had a cat with him and you went, "why take a cat?" Take a little mate.
I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.
This is your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.
This is good.
Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.
Let's have some company.
" One, two.
One, two.
There's no way that I'm having it that Warwick's a better dancer than me.
No way.
It seems what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.
Oh! Whoa! I never had a kite.
Get me down.
What you're gonna see now, you'll never get the chance to see again.
The spider sisters.
I'm just gonna wait outside, let Karl go and ask his questions.
Do you have the main and you have the pudding? I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.
Because it is something different.
I've done a lot for him, now.
Let me have a bit of "me" time.
I've come to see them because they're different.
That's all it is, it's not to poke fun.
It's because they're different.
People out there are coming in here to see new things.
Look at the crowd Warwick got.
Hello.
It'd be good if Warwick was willing to sit on there and raise some more money.
I'll sit there white person, bald they've never seen that before.
They've never seen a little man before.
Would it make any difference, for them money-wise if me and Warwick were to stay on the stage as well? She said it's good, yeah, she doesn't mind.
Ok, let's have a way with Warwick.
Oh great.
It's embarrassing.
I'm not just gonna go and stand there, and have people look.
Do you know what I mean? Well what's the what's the point? Karl? What are you doing? Just when you said the weirdest, stupidest thing ever, you top it.
I think it's weird that we're pulling ourselves on this side.
That's what making this horrible.
If we all just sat there together, it's not a problem.
You sit there, I'll sit behind you.
People come in.
I'll give you a sense of party.
You do what you wanna do when you need to, so obviously you , you do that, and I'll I'll go outside and wait.
I don't I don't understand his priorities.
He's happy to dress up as leprechauns, and and stuff, but he won't sit on the stage which he likes and he won't let me comb his hair.
Everything we've been through, together.
They say they've come to see Warwick.
Why? Why Warwick, not me? I can't see any merit in me doing it.
If I had something to do, something to give here, then so be it.
It's a performance.
But it isn't.
Me just sitting there I'm not bringing anything to the table here, am I? Who, me? But round head.
Oh.
- - Come on.
What do you look like, Karl? I need you.
You're my partner.
But what are we doing then? I will comb your hair.
I'll massage you.
Are you all right? Are you all right? Ben Fogle wouldn't have left James Cracknell.
Cannon and Ball always did stuff together.
The Chuckle Brothers there wasn't a word with one chuckle.
You're standing there, getting an eyeful for free.
Warwick, just get on the [Bleep.]
stage.
Shout his name.
Warwick, Warwick, Warwick, Warwick.
This is ridiculous.
Yes.
You bastard.
Yay! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'm going to bloody kill you.
Warwick, you okay? Not really.
I think I'm having some sort of weird dream here.
Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
All right, you're all right.
Yeah, go on then, that's it.
Yeah, that's it.
Give it a good squeeze.
Aah! There you go.
Very nice.
Thank you, ladies, very much.
Thank you very much.
Easy, easy.
It's one bit of fun.
That's all it was.
You are never gonna see the Spider Sisters or anything like it again.
Okay.
You could see this again, quite easily.
No, I just don't want to talk about that whole scenario again.
It's like sulfur docks, this.
So, how far are we going on this boat? - I'm not in the mood for it.
- Why? Got the [Bleep.]
.
It's a bit funny I've got the [Bleep.]
and you haven't.
Well, I'm careful.
Well, you haven't been getting into it, have you? You've been having deep-pan pizzas every day.
I wanted you to get ill.
But why does that bother you so much? Because then you can be part of the team.
It's like the red-ass gang.
At least then I don't know you won't annoy me as much.
It's annoying me how you're not ill, and you're not experiencing what everyone else is.
If I'm chucking up in the toilet with the [Bleep.]
.
You'd come in and pat me on the back and say, "great, Warwick"? Well, yeah, that's what's connection with you.
So your connection with me would be through my ass, then? Come on, better go catch the boat, Karl.
Nice smell of piss in the air.
Thank you very much.
Mind your step here, Karl.
It's not even hooked on.
Have you been on a cruise before? No.
And I won't be again, if they're all like this.
It's not good when the carpet's dumped, though, is it? Hell, the Titanic was brought up and looked better than this.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, it's my room.
He's just helping me with my luggage.
Well, there's the toilet.
To be honest, that is useful for me, though not at the moment.
The toilet's got a shower door on it.
That's well, the way it's spurting out of my ass.
I'm not joking.
And I know what's happening here.
'Cause you've got this room, so what's mine like? Shower.
Pbht! All at the same time.
That's the toilet? Don't use that one.
I've got bad guts, and I'm not doing this.
I'm sick of it.
I'm just sick of it.
[Bleep.]
Sake.
Aah, God.
Aah.
Aah! Aah! I just want to see Warwick.
Hello.
Warwick, I don't know what's going on.
I don't know why you're getting special treatment.
I haven't even got me own toilet.
Someone's already been on my toilet.
There's already something there, and we haven't even left dock yet.
Well, what have you got then? I haven't got anything.
Just a bed with about four or five other strangers.
- Are you sharing? - Yes.
Oh.
It's just annoying me the way that we're not having the same experiences.
So, let's go down the little corridor and share the same experience.
Well, is it the same way you made me share the experience - with the Spider Sisters? - Yeah.
Mm.
Well, then maybe this is all payback.
All this.
All right, forget it then.
Forget it.
You've come to your room then.
Don't get like that.
Don't get all nasty.
No, stick it up your ass.
"We should stick together.
" But that's not what he did that day.
Suppose two wrongs don't make a right, does it? I should I've had the [Bleep.]
all day.
The cabin that you sorted out for me, I'm in there with the [Bleep.]
grumble-weeds.
There's one toilet between about five of us Listen to this.
That's what I'm sharing with.
Oh, no! It isn't on.
No, I'm not doing that with him in there.
I won't sleep.
I think a nightmare is that.
Did you get any sleep, Karl? Yeah, a few minutes.
Yeah.
Have you seen Warwick? Did he sleep? Marco Polo must've been pissed off by this point.
It's horrible.
It's horrible.
It's a place to visit in a submarine, this river.
It's polluted to hell and back, innit? I know people moan at home, sort of saying, "oh, all our industries are gone and factories are gone, and people aren't making things at home.
" But they are here.
I mean, everything you pick up is made in China, isn't it, and look what it does to the place.
Factories putting all their [Bleep.]
in the air.
Let them keep it, honestly.
They don't want this at home.
It's depressing enough without having skies like this.
You hear it all the time, don't you? "We don't do anything anymore.
" "We don't make anything.
" It's all sort of coffee shops and paninis and charity shops.
But at least we have blue skies.
If you're gonna be pissed off at home, be pissed off with a blue sky.
Imagine being pissed off here.
Hello? We, uh we're not on it.
'Cause it was horrible.
Honestly.
It was misty, and the toilets were shocking.
There was turds everywhere.
Gillian McKeith that's the only person who would've liked that little boat trip.
Cool.
A real one? Wow, that's amazing.
Thank you very much.
For once, Karl, you're speechless about it, huh? Are they dangerous at all? All right.
I'm excited about this.
What was the last thing you saw a panda actually do and that you went, "that's useful"? Well, I do know this that their urine is collected by Sichuan tribal people, and if somebody swallowed a needle, they'd drink it, it'll dissolve the needle.
But what we're doing there is saving idiots.
If they're eating needles, that's nature's way of wiping them out.
We're saving everyone now.
That's the problem.
Yeah, well, I was just giving you a use for a panda.
Yeah, but it's not good enough.
Not good enough.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
- Professor Xiao? - Yeah.
- Yes, I'm Warwick Davis.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm Karl.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- How are you doing? It's the breeding.
They teach breeding behavior.
Yes.
I'm not wanking off a panda.
Look at this! So it's like saying the right thing to the lady first at dinner.
If they don't make the right noise, then she's - Uninterested.
- Thank you.
You have different films for it to hear and watch? Or is it the same? I don't know about that.
That works, does it? And it's the same one, is it? The same film over and over again.
So, you're gonna get bored of that, anyway.
I've seen rude films.
You can't watch them more than three times.
You go, "what else have you got?" How many times do you watch them, Warwick? What, the panda films? No, I've never watched any other sort.
You've never watched any rude films? No, I I haven't ever felt a need to, actually, to be honest.
No, it's not that I don't need, is it? It's like how I want to see the Spider Women.
It's just, "what's all that about? People watch these.
What's going on?" Nothing rude about it.
Oh, and you did it for research purposes.
Yeah, just have a look at what goes on.
- Of course.
- Get some ideas.
He's saying we got to dress up? But surely that's more dangerous, isn't it? If we look like a panda? I've been a few bears in my time, but never a panda.
Does this really convince them? Berserk.
It's bollocks, all this.
It's just another excuse to dress it up.
How about trying to get in the mind of the character now? Don't start, Warwick.
Don't start.
Just put your costume on.
Don't just wear it like that.
I'm gonna put the hood on when I get in there.
Get involved because otherwise it's gonna look ridiculous.
I've seen pandas on the telly with people near them.
I've never seen Attenborough dressed up like this.
But I'm just thinking if something goes tits up, I can't see where I'm going, I'm hot, I'm gonna trip over.
It's just not safe.
If it kicks off and I have to thump it in the head, and I end up injuring it, again, I look like the bad man.
"Karl Thumps endangered species in the head.
" By the end of the day, if it comes at me, I will go at it, and I'm not being responsible for what happens.
I have to kick it between the bollocks, that's what's gonna happen.
I will kick a panda in the bollocks if I have to.
Do we need to make any sounds? What sound does a panda make? I feel like, probably, I'm gonna be a little baby one.
Chirps? How does that go? What about mommy panda? What noise? Yeah, let's just go in.
Let's go and have a look.
You get in all the gear, you got to have the sounds and the behavior.
We don't know anything about the bear, and that panda never does that, for example.
Karl, you can't stand on your two legs.
They never do that.
- My mouth? - Where are you going to? I'm trying to suckle.
Yeah, I'm letting it get here.
- Where is it, mum? - Where's your head? I can't see.
There, grab on to that, bear.
No wonder they're dying out if they're like you.
Let's face it.
It's just looking down thinking, "what's going on?" This looks like we've been doing the London marathon and got lost.
Is this, honest to God, on your mom's life, is this gonna make it come towards us? Just stick with it, Karl, honestly.
Just act real.
Act naturally.
Like a panda.
Jesus Christ.
Karl, he's coming down.
We go out? Karl, we got to go out.
- Why? - It's coming down.
Well, what we come in for? That was a lot of effort, that, wasn't it? Just enticed him down.
I just thought we were gonna we'll get him something.
It's a long way to come just to see that.
Hello.
Just having a nice day.
No stress.
Having a wander about.
Some days it's just good to see what normal people do.
First restful day we've had.
You go to the park much in London? Yeah, all the time.
I love a good walk.
I like people-watching.
What's this? What are they copying? Is it news headlines or something? It is news.
It's like a really basic cfax.
The word on the street that's where the phrase comes from.
I was just gonna do my signature, I think.
Let's do a little of that.
Good, innit? That is good.
You see, the thing is, it's hard to be an explorer now, innit? Everything has been found.
It was a piece of piss back then with old Marco going where he wants and saying that he's found new land.
Look at that baby.
Good God.
You see the fat baby? No, it's not overweight.
It's just a bit chubby.
It's just a little puppy fat.
You don't see many fat Chinese, do you? Maybe the food's not very nice.
Are you gonna ask them if they'll eat pizza? I quite fancy pizza.
Grab something a bit weird.
And I'll have it with you.
We got cold pork lung.
Pig ear.
I love pig ear.
Karl! I've got a table! Warwick, this isn't that bad.
No.
They haven't got anything weird.
I thought they'd have well weirder stuff.
I mean, that doesn't look normal.
It smells of licorice, that one.
Eat one of them.
It's not that bad.
Can I nibble the edge of it? It's worse.
Just shove it in.
Ugh! Don't tell me what it is.
That's a lamb bollock.
What's wrong with eating a little sheep bollock? Really? Stop mentioning testicles.
Right.
Now, I don't know how you eat one of these.
I think you just pick it up with your hand and have a chunk.
That's like stone.
That's solid.
Oh fuck no.
It's a head.
Just just have a bite of that.
I'm not eating it now.
Now I know it's a head.
Oh, Karl.
Bloody hell.
Oh! Try it.
Just have a bite of its face.
Stop pushing it to me.
Uhh! Come on.
Just have a bite.
Bite into it.
Oh [Bleep.]
no.
You let me down.
I'm not letting you down.
Forget it.
Forget it.
Stupid.
Don't throw bollocks at me like that either.
Ridiculous.
I got a job to do.
I didn't want to go down with illness.
No, but that's part of it, I think.
You've been in travel.
And then whatever you do, if that happens, that's part of the story.
Right.
Honestly, there's people who would watch Attenborough and think Here.
Look.
What's he shoving in? It's like a little blade.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's nice, that, innit? That is nice.
He seems to know how far he can how far he can go with it.
Tickling.
Oh, my God! [Bleep.]
Warwick.
You've had that in your ear.
I didn't have that much.
Well No wonder you haven't, like [Bleep.]
yourself since you've been here.
All your orifices blocked up with wax.
Good [Bleep.]
.
It's disgusting, actually.
It is.
You should do your ears, you little [Bleep.]
.
It's deep in me ears.
You could actually make like a little madame Tussauds model of Warwick with him out of wax that's come out of his head.
Funny little fellow, isn't he? Imagine him as a removal man.
Yeah.
Pissing about.
Just get them in the van.
On our way to see a Buddhist temple, which is something I really wanted to see in China.
But my sinuses are really, really hurting.
And so, yeah, don't feel so great, to be honest.
I've done a few mountains, you know.
It hurts your head.
It was hurting his head before we even started.
So, should we knock it on the head? Just, you're never gonna get this opportunity again.
That's what I'm disappointed about.
Yeah, but if the memory of it is going, "me head!" What's the point? Well, I want to do it.
I want to have a go at it.
But I don't know.
Should we just start walking and just have a go? All right.
Let's just start walking.
If he manages to do it his own two feet, he's gonna feel a lot better than if he sat in this.
It's like going up there on a, you know, a chair lift, innit? So, what do you know about buddhism? Dalai Lama bloke.
He's so happy, stress-free fellow, but he's not living a normal life, is he? If we all did what he did, how would anything get done? He sits around, coming up with thoughts, but he's got blokes who empty his bins, to wash the pots, to do his food.
If we all did that, we'd still be living in mud huts.
Oh, God.
Are you all right, yeah? I'm tired, but I'm slightly worried about getting in them.
I don't know how how can they carry someone up these steps? That's what they do.
It's a little chair, innit? They're made for it.
If you get it in now, it's a little bit of a give up early.
I don't want to be seen as giving up.
No, I don't want to be He's not cut out for it.
He is not cut out for this.
I keep looking behind, and he's dropped behind.
He's slowing me down.
I want to move on.
All right.
I'm stopping for a bit.
I mean, it's just hard anyway, but with this, it's like it's twice as hard.
Suzanne is always yelling at me.
When she's ill, I'm rubbish around her.
Counting units at supermarket instead.
I'm just not good around ill people.
How much farther is it do you know? Well, I think we're not even a quarter of the way.
I'm not gonna be able to make it.
It's okay to not get to the top, Warwick.
No, it's not okay.
Just knock it on the head.
He's not a Buddhist.
So why is it so important? We've come so far through our journey, and we kind of what we've been through and stuff we've always managed to keep going, and then He's his own man.
If he wants to give up, he can.
There's no prize there.
We're not gonna win something.
There's not a caravan up for grabs if we make it to the top.
It's just a walk and a temple.
I thought it was better just to give up done that's what I could do, and that's it or to jump in there and Karl? You giving up? You're knocking it on the head? My head's not up to it today.
I want to go up and see it.
You knew your limits down there.
I said, "if you don't want to go, don't do it.
" And now we're halfway up.
But I do want to go that's the thing.
It's like dragging around a Henry the vac.
You know that thing you walk, and it gets caught under a chair, and you got to walk back block it.
That's what it's been like with your big smiling face.
I'm gonna call it a day here.
Definitely.
It's too easy to say, "I've got a headache or me legs or " It is easy, if you haven't got a headache.
Karl, in my career, I've put up with all sorts of stuff.
The stuff I endure in costumes and stuff it's hard.
This makes a mockery of the whole "Star Wars" thing, anyway.
You're in the universe.
I didn't see you up there, going "sinuses.
" That's what he sounded like all his noses blocked.
"I need a vicks.
" No, I can't I don't think I'll get all the way.
Sometimes, Karl, you see, I don't think you see what others see, you know.
You were up there having a go at Warwick.
Warwick's down below actually having a little tear on.
You didn't cry, did you, on camera? Hang on.
I didn't mean to.
It's just Oh, here we go.
I hate that.
I feel like doing it just to annoy him now.
Exactly.
That's exactly how I work.
That's how I would do it with Suzanne.
"You never wash up.
" "I do.
" "You don't.
" Then she does it.
It's the same thing being pushed.
So what I want to say to you is, get off your ass and get walking.
Let's keep going.
We can do it.
Oh, bloody hell.
Whoa! [Bleep.]
Poor fellows.
Now, if we do make it up, he can't say he walked all the way.
This is part of the experience, as well, innit? Oh, it is, now, is it? It wasn't a minute ago.
No, but I thought you know.
Travel that's what it's all about.
Pilkington uses the goal posts once again.
He's like having a little kid with me 'cause of his height.
And he likes toffees, and he likes pizza.
I feel like his dad and that's what I was acting like when I was coming up the hill, like, "come on, son.
" And that's how I would have said if I'd have got a son, that's how I would have spoke to him "Get off your ass and get up here.
" Wow.
Oh Jesus, there's more stairs? I'll tell you what you can't be a Buddhist in a wheelchair.
I don't think he realizes what he's saying sometimes.
Yeah, "dragging a Henry vacuum behind me, and having to stop and empty it now and again.
" I mean, how offensive can you be? But he was what I needed.
I gave him the kick to do it.
And sometimes, that's what you need you need a good leader.
I was like Winston Churchill or something like that.
8 7 6 "When you're going through hell, keep going.
" And that's what I did down there I was Winston Churchill.
"Don't give me that [Bleep.]
keep going.
" 3 2 Hang on 1! That's it.
Yes! Here we are! That's amazing.
Yeah, that stuff is impressive, that.
Absolutely, yeah.
You see, what annoys me, though, Warwick, right you didn't like seeing the woman with two heads.
Suddenly, you're up here, and she's got six.
Were you really crying before or was that just messing about? - No, I was.
- Why? I don't know.
I think it's something to do with being short.
It's harder to be defeated.
Do you know what I mean? They'll make it look like an "X Factor" moment.
You'll be loving that, won't you? They'll have Coldplay under that.
Will the little man do it? I'm telling you, and everyone will be like that.
Come on.
Coldplay! It has brought us closer together.
Well, the one bad thing to come out of this he's got a disabled badge for his car he's gonna get that taken off him.
'Cause you can't be climbing stuff like this, and then getting home, going, "I need to park here.
" That's well gone, but I haven't told him.
[Beeps.]
I don't like getting dressed up especially not to have a meal.
If I'm having a Sunday dinner at home, I normally sit there with nothing on top.
Take my T-shirt off and everything.
'Cause you drop a bit of chicken and gravy gravy's got grease in it.
It doesn't come out.
I sit there, bare-chested around the table.
And enjoy it.
You don't have to be dressed up.
I'll pop a T-shirt back on when it's time for pudding.
It's gonna be all right, this.
Ricky sorted everything out.
It's gonna be a lovely evening.
It's really nice that you set this up to celebrate the end of the journey.
And then, in true Ricky style, he's throwing a bit of a spinner in the works for me.
I got a text from him.
We're not just going up there to look at the view.
He wants Karl to do a sky dive.
It's just far from it.
Why do this when we've invented buttons? Funnying about.
What Ricky's basically said about tonight is "don't let me down, and it's in your hands to get him to do this.
I don't want the show to finish on a damp squib.
" You know, we've got to end with a big finish.
Everyone wants to see him jump.
Oh, the good life You gonna have a pudding? Yeah.
Full of fun He's paying, of course.
I'd actually like to see a plate of food and know it's for me, and it's my job to eat what's on that plate.
The way they keep sort of bringing out dishes of noodles and then some dim sum and a dumpling.
Yeah, it's just, like, a load of starch, hasn't it? It's gonna be nice.
That way.
Good seeing you dressed up.
I don't know, just for something to eat? Just seems a bit over the top to me.
Restaurants at the top there, yep.
Welcome to Macau Tower.
We hope you will enjoy your visit to this 338-meter iconic landmark.
I, uh, I got a text from Ricky earlier.
"Hope you had a nice time.
" They do other stuff here as well as food.
You can, um you can do sort of extreme sort of sports.
Bungee jumping funny.
No, no, it's not bungee jumping.
Oh, it is though, innit? - No, no, no, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is.
I don't do extreme stuff, Warwick.
Hello, there, I'm Warwick.
- Tony O'Rourke.
- Hello, Tony.
- Hi, how've you been? - Welcome to Macau Tower.
We have various activities.
We have our skywalk, which is walking the outer rim.
We have our skyjump.
We have our world's highest bungee jump.
So, you know what bungee jumping is, yeah? Yeah, I've been faced with it, and I'm not doing it.
Skyjump is actually designed for those people who could never do a bungee jump.
You guys want to have a look? Yeah, I'm anxious to go outside and have a look.
It's just that I'm not gonna jump.
As you can see, everything is doubled.
We attach the two attachments to your harness, and then what we do is we slowly ever so slowly just lower you to the ground.
It's actually what we call a controlled descent.
Right.
It's just a gentle ride.
Karl, come here.
Yeah.
Come here.
Hang on a second.
Do you remember, like, you remember the mountain the other day? - Yeah.
- Right? I didn't want to do it.
I couldn't do it, not that I didn't want to.
And you motivated me to do it.
Yeah, and I'm glad I did.
And the food thing! And you were going, "eat it," and I would never have gone anywhere near a testicle.
But I did, because you were going, "have it.
" Why don't you do it? This is about you conquering something.
What was the other things that you said we can do? The skywalk, which is just walking the perimeter of the tower.
Yeah, that's a double.
That stuff's easy, walking on that.
Here we go.
Excellent.
Whoa.
Oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Karl, have you looked straight down? Yeah.
Your brain's telling you this can't be real.
You wouldn't be this stupid, surely.
I don't want any more of a rush than that.
I can understand the view, but jumping off I really don't know what it's about.
Should go for a wander.
It's pathetic, though, innit? What? Well What, the fact that you won't do the old skydive? No, no.
No, just that Ricky keeps going on about this.
Well, I don't want to do one, and he can't make me, and he wouldn't do one.
It's not as if he's been jumping off buildings.
I've never seen him do anything with a slight bit of danger.
There's just nothing in me that makes me want to jump off there.
Sometimes that's what annoys me with films.
There's always a happy ending.
Life isn't like that.
People don't always get what they want.
Me favorite films are "Elephant Man," who ends up killing himself because he's sick of having that head.
Yeah.
And cares when his kestrel gets killed by his brother.
I don't like happy endings.
Can you sit down on the edge? I can't get any nearer the edge 'cause I got tension.
Where's your knees? Have you got knees? Yeah, I have, yeah.
We've done this whole thing together epic journey put up with all sorts of stuff.
Yeah.
You know, shouting, hating each other, got on with each other, we should do the last thing together.
I'll do it if you do it.
Well, I'm not gonna be doing it, so It can't be that hard.
Look at me now.
- I'm hanging over here.
- Yeah, I know.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You could do it.
Fine, hook me up.
Have you had a dwarf up here before? No.
So this is a world record, then.
Check.
Okay, I just checked you.
That's that's making me nervous.
Check.
You're gonna feel yourself lifting off.
Nah, no way.
Warwick, that is mental.
Bloody hell! Aah! I just looked down there.
Warwick, are you sure? Oh [Bleep.]
, stay there.
- I'm here.
- Nah, no way.
No, look at me.
You don't have to do it.
You're idiots! All of you! Spin around again.
You're gonna be fine.
Let's just do this.
We're gonna do it, okay, Warwick? Skyjump in five seconds.
4 No, don't say that.
Don't count it like that.
1 [Bleep.]
.
Good luck.
Uh-oh.
Oh! Oh, my God.
[Bleep.]
That! Oh, my God.
Oh [Bleep.]
.
No, I don't want to look.
I do not want to look.
That was way too fast.
Ha, ha ha! This is amazing! Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Wha-ha-ha! That's amazing! [Bleep.]
Okay, sir.
That's so good! Walk a little bit here, okay.
That's amazing! I want to do it again.
That is so good! Hello, Ricky.
It's Warwick.
We're at the top of the skytower in Macau, and I just jumped off it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did it.
It felt great.
And Karl nearly did it.
Yeah, I just sort of were around the edge of it.
Well high up.
- Yeah.
- - - No.
Bawk! Yeah.
Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! I'm pleased for Warwick.
I feel like I've been part of it.
I helped him get on the ledge.
And then you ran away.
Yeah, but I helped you do it.
- That's just teamwork, innit? - Okay.
Yeah, well, that was worth doing, wasn't it? It's for me health.
- Finger up the ass? - Yeah, I'm fine with that.
I'm all checked out, honestly.
Are you? And I've had me ears done on this trip as well, so all orifices are clear, thank you very much.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Oh, I've seen them.
Don't worry.
You haven't.
In his little harness he's got on.
Like a little bunch of grapes being lowered down.
Cargo.
Look at them.
It's cold.
It's unbelievable, 'cause they're normal, aren't they? They're normal-sized bollocks.
Well, I don't know.
I'm not comparing them to anything, but - Believe me.
- Why shouldn't we have to Why [Beeps.]
He's gone.
That's the end of that.
There you go.
Stop going on about my nuts, will you? I know, but it's unbelievable.
That's something I won't forget the Spider Sisters and them.
That's all you take away from this trip is the Spider Sisters and my nuts.
Great.
All right, let's get something to eat.
Wow! Ooh! Get me down! Karl, smile.
Knew you were coming.