Animal Control (2023) s03e03 Episode Script

1
We've allowed this to devolve
to fire hazard status.
And worse
it's blocking my access to the gym.
What are you up to now, Frank,
like, ten kilos? [LAUGHS]
Don't try to burn me
with the metric system.
It wastes everyone's time.
Yeah. No, I regret it.
Alright, Shred, this is
your idea, start stacking.
What? No, this was your idea.
Uh yeah. Okay. Sure.
We could go higher.
Did y'all find the record for this yet?
Nothing yet.
I just keep getting
"In Memoriam" tribute videos.
- Whoo!
- [APPLAUSE]
- Woohoo!
- Yeah!
There's a bunch of empty
beer cans up here.
Could be anybody's.
And that's lunch! Alright.
What are you guys feeling like?
Where do you wanna go?
- [SHRED] Ha-ha-ha!
- I'd kill for some sush.
Very funny, guys.
[METAL CREAKS]
Guys?
I see storm clouds!
♪
But, babe, if you call in sick,
we can beat the traffic
and get to the lake early.
Yeah, totally.
But, like, I'm already at work,
and I feel amazing.
Alright, I'll get you around 5:00?
Yeah. Okay.
Uh let's do the morning
meeting, everyone.
Maybe wrap up the personal chit-chat.
If you change your mind,
stick your fingers down your throat.
Okay. I'll only think
about you while I do it.
[EMILY] Okay Oh, wait. Where's Patel?
He's wrapping up a Zoom
couples therapy session
in the locker room.
Maya and her therapist
are really batting him around.
Okay, we can start without him.
Um alright, people.
We're gonna have a great day today.
First up.
Oh, right. We're gonna have
a tough day today.
So, we have a, uh surrendered dog
who has reached the end
of the sidewalk.
And he must go to
the big farm in the sky.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's the hardest part of the job.
Actually, the hardest part is listening
to your tortured metaphors.
I mean, I think we know
what you're saying.
What I'm saying is,
one of you needs to take
our canine client to play
fetch with dog Jesus.
- Dog Jesus.
- Or whatever dog God you believe in.
Crystal clear. Great.
I just want to officially say not it.
- Not it!
- But who said it first?
Children. All of you.
Once again, I will step up
and carry this burden
- on my very broad shoulders.
- Awesome.
As your coworkers, we'd just
like to say thank you
for being so emotionally closed off.
Damn right. And you know why?
Because I'm a professional man.
I absorb the darkness so that
others can stand in the light.
Yeah, but I can't absorb
the darkness today.
I gotta be in the right
headspace going into this epic,
romantic weekend with Isabelle.
Yeah, we're all aware of
your lake house plans, Shred.
We were all on the text thread.
Can you ride with someone else?
I need a break.
I can't stand listening to you
talk about fresh water
intercourse anymore.
Oh, it's just al fresco sex, Frank.
I don't know where all this
body shaming's coming from.
Oh, it's not shaming.
I'm just worried for the lake
and the kids in the inner tubes
who are swimming through your sex filth.
Okay, I think this meeting's about done.
I'm gonna wrap it up.
Um figure out the dog thing, please?
Thank you.
Can you take him, please?
Yes! Wait, would you? Please, would you?
What's in your lunch sack?
Uh coconut marshmallow balls.
Great. I'll have all of them.
There's eight, but sure.
Nothing like paying a third party
to tell you you're wrong
about everything!
What's going on here?
You got traded to my truck
for a cancerous dessert.
And, we have a drop-off at Precinct 13.
The farm? Oh, come on!
I just think it's unprofessional.
A couples therapist should
remain neutral.
I mean, to not even let me
finish my story about the sponge.
- It's basically
- Sorry, I'm gonna stop you right there.
That's our hour.
Frank, I gotta get this out.
Yeah, I don't know how
it works in truck 8
but in truck 12,
we swallow our feelings.
[SIGHS]
Oh, wow. This dog's got
several biting incidents.
Wait, are you reading the file?
- You never read the file.
- Why?
Because you could find out
something about the dog
that connected to you personally.
Hopper. Oh, he's a police dog
just like you.
Bit of a hard case.
Problems with authority.
Irrational hatred of mail carriers.
Sound like anyone we know?
My Carhartt catalog never
shows up on time. Okay?
Give it. This is mine.
Let's talk about something else.
So here's the thing. I'm always
the last one in the kitchen.
Anything but the sponge, please!
Very cool of your old boss
to let us use her lake house.
Should we bring her, like,
a thank you gift?
No, no, we should leave it
just like we found it.
Almost like we were never there.
Cool. And are we gonna pick up
the keys on the way?
Don't even need them.
- I got the garage code.
- Right.
Shred, is my snake hunting
getting in the way
- of your personal call?
- I gotta go. I gotta go.
Sorry.
You guys are 100 percent breaking into
her old boss's house this weekend.
- You know that, right?
- Oh, yeah.
I am fully aware, and I don't love it.
Honestly, I really like Isabelle.
I'm just not always
comfortable with her
Her frequent misdemeanors?
- Yes.
- You're with a bad girl.
And we're a lot of fun,
- but easily bored.
- [SNAKE RATTLES]
Yeah. I don't think she finds
my nervousness sexy.
I got him. I got him, I got him.
[SNAKE RATTLES]
[SNAKE RATTLES]
You got a real escape artist
on your hands, sir.
My God, thank you.
You guys are incredible.
Our pleasure. Always happy
to be of service.
So
Is there anything else
that we can do for you?
Nope. Nope. Just got the one snake.
Right. Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[VICTORIA GIGGLES]
Oh. Uh
Oh my gosh. No way.
I couldn't possibly accept that.
That's so sweet.
But not at all why we do the job.
♪
- Graves.
- Shaw.
What do you got?
Old dog. Biter.
Alright. Sign this.
[DOG WHINES]
- Graves.
- Shaw.
[DOG WHINES]
What are you doing? You looking back?
You never look back.
Oh, no. Look at him.
He's saying goodbye.
He's not. Keep walking.
[DOG BARKS]
Hey, buddy.
[DOG WHINES]
Damn it!
Rookie move.
- [SIGHS]
- Mmhmm.
[EXHALES]
Uh, Graves
I changed my mind.
I'll take the dog back.
Sorry. You signed the form.
It's out of my hands.
He's literally in your hands.
Come on. It's a police dog.
Who has three reported biting incidents.
Come on, man. Just give me the dog.
Next time, don't look back.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Gotta get that dog back.
What do you mean, like,
bust him out of jail?
That's exactly what I mean.
Look I'm already stressed.
Please do not add a dog heist to it.
I don't need to get suspended
and be stuck at home all day.
Not in the middle of SpongeGate!
Three. Two. One. Let's go.
Four. Five. Six. Let's not.
Nobody listens to me.
Hey. So, we've been partners
for about 90 minutes now,
and I feel like we can be
straight with each other.
You felt weird when I took the tip.
Yes. I felt very weird.
It just feels like maybe
a gratuity isn't optional
when the person asking has a taser.
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
I feel like that saying is
reserved for women that, like,
shape historical events, like uh
God, how can I not think of
one famous woman?
Look, if you wanna keep your bad girl,
you're gonna have to loosen up.
Being scandalized by me
shaking down the snake owner
for a tip not sexy.
Yeah. No, it didn't feel sexy.
You need to stop clutching your pearls.
A girl like Isabelle,
she's gonna need someone who's
gonna push the edge a little.
Maybe
Maybe you should get a nipple piercing.
- [SHRED CHUCKLES]
- [VICTORIA LAUGHS]
- Crazy.
- Yeah, I don't know about that, but
I suppose it couldn't hurt
to dabble in the dark arts.
[GASPS]
Sandra Day O'Connor!
She did she did something.
Okay.
[THUDS] Whoops!
You okay?
Ah, I lost a contact lens.
Can't find it in the truck.
You mind if I take a look around?
You mind helping me look?
I'm half blind here.
This might, uh, take a while. Sorry.
- Found it!
- What?
That's not actually possible.
- You got solution to clean it up?
- Shoot.
You know, I do, but it's back
at the precinct.
I'll just, uh
give the old girl a
rinse-a-doo later. [LAUGHS]
No worries, I got ya.
What?
[WHISPERS] Hopper.
[BARKS]
Hey, Hopper.
We're gonna get you outta here, okay?
- We're gonna get you outta here.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
LeBron
How'd you get this open?
[DOOR RATTLES]
God dang it.
[SOLUTION SQUIRTING]
- [BOTTLE WHEEZES]
- Almost there.
Ain't nothing to it, nothing to it.
[SUCTION SOUND]
[PATEL SCREAMS]
It burns!
You need more solution.
I got some in the back.
[PATEL WINCES]
Okay.
- Patel!
- Frank?
Get over here!
- What are you doing in there?
- What's wrong with your eyes?
- Plan backfired.
- Get me out!
Okay.
Come on, buddy. Come here.
We're outta here.
Let's go.
[LEBRON BLEATS]
[LEBRON BLEATS]
What?
Damn it.
You had to look back, huh?
I shouldn't have looked back.
That was a mistake.
Here you go.
Pearl's back from her little
sojourn up the chimney.
Oh, Pearl. Thank you so much.
No, it was our pleasure.
Okay. Time to push the edge.
Old people try and give you snacks.
Make sure you hold out for cash.
Yeah. Cool. Um I love this plan.
I just don't wanna do it anymore.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
You have a lovely day, ma'am.
Officer Taylor, I will be
waiting for you in the truck.
Cool.
So what a day.
[STAMMERS]
Thank you, again.
Yeah. Were you satisfied
with the service?
Yes.
Great.
Is there something else, Officer?
Uh, well You tell me, ma'am.
Hmm?
No, I get it.
But if any other spots open up
at the shelter, let me know,
'cause Hopper's a great dog.
And uh, if you call me back,
use my cell phone.
I think I'm about to be fired.
Frank, you stole a dog from Precinct 13?
I didn't steal a dog.
I liberated a hero who had
a sterling career, retired,
and was adopted by a dick.
It's all in the file.
You looked at the file?
You never look at the file.
Buh-buh-buh-bup.
I'm gonna get to you later.
Just take your time.
Frank, that dog bit multiple people.
No, the dog bit one person
multiple times, the owner.
The aforementioned dick.
Someone's getting attached.
What happened to Mr. Professional Man?
Oh, he's still there.
His shoulders are still broad.
He's just helping a fallen comrade.
Okay, well, you have to take
Hopper back to Precinct 13
so that they can
They can what?
They can take him to get
a belly rub from the Lord.
- [HOPPER WHINES]
- I'm gonna give you six hours.
Now, let's talk about the goat.
Oh, that's Patel. He looked back.
- Hmm?
- Patel, Precinct 13 is pissed.
He was their therapy goat.
You're a therapy goat?
You slippery little
Why do they get such a special goat?
I don't know, 'cause it's a brutal job.
They have two freezers and
only one of them is for food.
Okay, now your turn.
Can I just have a second?
I'm processing a lot of
imagery right now.
No. You cannot. You shook
down an old lady for a tip?
What? That is crazy.
Yeah, and she also seemed to think
that you were propositioning her.
I'm sorry, are you doing
that thing where you get me
to confess to a lesser crime
by accusing me of a bigger crime?
Officer rubbed his fingers together,
licked his lips, and said, and I quote,
"would swing by to catch
that kitty anytime."
Okay. Yep. Mistakes were made.
But I can make it up to her, you know.
I'll go by after work,
bring her nice flowers.
A bottle of wine.
Good God, don't do that. What
you're gonna do is you're gonna do
kennel duty deep clean, all by yourself.
- All of them.
- Cool.
That's gonna take all night.
And I don't know if I mentioned this,
but this weekend, me and Isabelle
You mentioned, yeah. You mentioned.
I will cancel my plans.
That would be so great. Thank you.
Well, well, well.
For once, look who's the star student.
Me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh damn it, damn it,
damn it, damn it, damn it!
That's my, um my birth control.
A lotta different colors.
Yeah, different colors
for different days.
Do not let the dog eat the yellow.
♪
I know it's just a sponge.
But to not let me say
my side of the story, that's
that's no partnership.
I'll tell you that much.
- Know what I mean?
- [LEBRON BLEATS]
Exactly!
What am I looking at?
LeBron is the real deal.
You need to talk to this guy.
Yeah, I don't know if I trust
his beady eyes, pointy ears,
or the complete inability
to process human language.
Plus, in every horror film
he's Satan.
Frank, use the goat.
That dog Hopper's triggering
all sorts of stuff in you.
I got three hours to find him a home.
I've checked every rescue and shelter
and I even messaged a woman on the apps.
She thought I was a PetSmart bot.
Just adopt the dog.
My home life is not set up for that.
I got a cat.
And a job. Wow. How do you do it?
Alright. I'm gonna go do what I do best.
Formulate a plan as I go.
I love my daughter.
I just don't know
that I like her right now.
[LEBRON BLEATS]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is everything okay?
Seemed like you were getting a
bit red and strainy out there.
Literally everyone in this
office screwed up today.
Even Eugene. He spayed the wrong animal.
Come on, Eugene!
Not everyone.
Bit of a star student, so.
- Yeah.
- Uh you did bring the hammer down
pretty hard on Shred, though.
Okay, but who takes a tip on the job?
Right. That it's just
so disappointing.
Terrible.
But do you think that maybe
you chose this weekend
to punish him because
'Cause what?
You know.
No, just say it.
Because he had plans with Isabelle.
Oh, no. [LAUGHS]
No, I would never do something
like that.
Wait, did I do something like that?
Yeah, I think you might have.
Oh am I a terrible person?
No, I actually do want Shred
to be happy.
Of course you do. Yeah.
You just don't want it in your face.
No, I really don't.
Also, though, should Shred
be with someone
- who he has to change for?
- Emily.
You're right. Let him have his fun
with his little runaround girl.
Oh. Still going?
No, I'm done. I'm done. That was it.
Got it outta my system.
[BELL ON DOOR CHIMES]
Get that filthy animal out of here!
- The dog can stay.
- Nice to see you, Patrick.
I see you're taking a break
from your usual
divorced dad meal of eating
loose turkey over a sink.
Joke's on you, because I also did that
when I was still married.
What's with the dog? Perp walk?
Pop your hearing aid back in
and find out.
My former brothers in blue.
This is Hopper. He used to be police.
Used to be one of your own.
He needs a home.
So I am here to ask you.
Who would like to step up
and be a hero to this hero?
[QUIET MUMBLING]
Uh. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. Uh, I didn't want to say this,
uh, but if someone doesn't take him,
he is gonna be put down tonight.
[CUTLERY CLATTERS]
Really?
No one?
Patrick. How about you?
Colleen got your Frenchie
in the divorce, right?
I still have custody of Juliet.
Okay. Fourth of July? New Year's?
The fireworks holidays?
Those are the times when
she needs a warm lap the most.
Jean! Be a darling and bring
me a couple of new sons.
Please.
Oh, come on, guys.
You worked with him
side by side for years.
He loves you. He's like a brother!
Yeah, he got a little aggressive.
He didn't play exactly the way
that you wanted him to play.
But that doesn't mean
he's not worth something.
Probably thought
Okay. Okay, Bill.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
Got a little burger smoke in my eye.
Oh, come on!
Not like this. Not today.
I'll take the dog!
Wait. Really?
Sure. Just will you compose yourself?
It's frickin' mortifying.
Hey! Uh show's over, folks.
Probably should've led
with this, but he bites.
So do I. We'll work it out.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah. Sure.
Don't come back here until I'm dead.
Oh, that's fine. I can wait six months.
[SCRUBBING]
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's looking good in here.
It, um [SNIFFS] does still
smell a bit challenging.
Yeah, without going into details,
that goat is a productive gentleman.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Um look, how about you
finish this on Monday.
Really?
Victoria made me realize
I was being a bit harsh.
Well thank you, but I think
you were being fair.
And I know you have a lot
on your plate right now, so
I'm sorry I added to it.
No, it's no worries.
Um anyways, have a have
a good time this weekend.
Thank you.
Okay.
Ooh! And, hey
I'll post a bunch of pictures
in the group chat.
Good. Good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How did it go?
Pretty good.
Thanks for having my back,
occasional truck buddy.
No worries, mate. It was my pleasure.
[SHRED] Mmm.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
No. No. Uh I think I'm good.
Alright.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Um can you break a 50?
I can't. No, sorry.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You ready?
So ready.
Yes! Okay, cool.
Uh, my old boss just called,
and she just got a new doorbell camera.
Might be fun to, I don't know,
walk in backwards.
Hell yeah. Let's do it.
Who's this guy? It's kinda hot.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[CAN THUDS]
- Oh
- [CAN OPENS]
Oopsie.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
You're a good friend.
Yeah.
[LAUGHING]
Can I make a toast to LeBron?
The first therapist
to ever take my side.
Might I add, reluctantly, to Frank,
who actually saved the dog.
Mmhmm.
It wasn't me who saved him.
It was me who saved me.
To me.
- I heard you cried.
- Shut up!
Francis!
Crap. Dad?
Excuse me.
Be careful, Frank. We're up pretty high.
Okay, stop! I'm not afraid of heights.
- What?
- Can't do it.
It's been 45 minutes!
You can't bail this quickly.
It's not one of my little league games!
- This dirtbag bit me twice already!
- [HOPPER BARKS]
Yeah, I told you about that.
Do we need to talk about
memory issues again, Dad?
I'm tying him to the railing.
Oh, come on!
[BARKS]
Can't do it!
If you need it
I got the number for a great goat.
Okay, so we're getting
to know each other.
We've learned where our boundaries lie.
Hopper and I get the bedroom.
Doc Whiskers,
as he has so articulately
communicated, gets
the rest of the world.
And if we wanna go to the bathroom
[DOC WHISKERS HISSES]
[LAUGHING]
We'll hold it! We will hold it.
[SIGHS] Alright. Alright, let's go.
Precinct 13 ain't
looking too bad now, is it?
[DOOR LOCKS]
[DOC WHISKERS PURRS]