Another Period (2015) s03e03 Episode Script
Olympics
1 [rousing brass music.]
[applause.]
A little known sporting contest, the Olympics, is coming to America for the first time.
As a Bavarian, I am most excited for the archery competition.
In fact, my nephew Adolf is coming from Austria to observe.
- [arrow thwacks.]
- Bull's-eye! Adolf, did you see that? Uncle Victor, do you ever feel like the beauty of the world is so intense that your heart may just explode in your chest? - Oh, my God.
- [soft laugh.]
I know he's my nephew, but I must admit, I do not care for Adolf Hitler.
And that concludes men's archery for today! Huh.
That's queer.
The way he said "men's archery," as though there could be any other kind.
And now may I present the competitors for the first-ever Olympic women's archery team.
What did he say "women's"? [Xzibit's "Runway Walk".]
Damn what I got to say to get a piece of that Damn what I got to say to get a piece of that Women? In Archery? Women in archery! [rousing dramatic music.]
- [gasps.]
- [laughs.]
No! [heaves.]
[gags.]
[vomits.]
I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" Absolutely disgusting! God hates you! You! And since all women are disabled when it comes to sport, here to usher in this momentous new occasion, my good friend, the one and only, Helen Keller.
[applause.]
Save your cheers and taunts.
She doesn't know where she is.
Of course they choose Helen Keller to be the ladies' sports ambassador.
She can't even compete! I never let my circumstance determine my destiny.
And neither do the inspiring women here.
[applause.]
By the tits of Medusa, don't clap.
She doesn't know you're clapping for her! Keller or not, I'm joining this archery team.
Prep the sports corset.
Make ready my field gown.
If anyone's going to be famous for sports, it's going to be me.
Help me down.
[remixed classical music.]
[clears throat.]
Freddy, that is not how an adult unpacks.
What are you doing with the Constitution? - Oh, I signed that.
- You should not have done that.
Yeah, there's some tricky stuff about black people in there.
Just find somewhere safe to keep it.
Freddy.
This is your birth certificate.
[soft laugh.]
Says that you're adopted.
What? That means your mother and father aren't your mother and father.
Mumu and Pupu? That means that Lillian and Hortense aren't your sisters.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Wait, who's Hortense? Neither is Beatrice.
[dramatic music.]
I've been having sex with a stranger my whole life? No, if Beatrice isn't your sister, that means you didn't commit incest.
Yes, I understand what it means! You don't have to rub it in.
No, it's a good thing.
There is no scandal.
You're just a regular adulterer.
It's a good thing? Yes, everyone in Washington cheats on their wives and vice versa.
What? We'll announce the good news right after the Olympics.
Turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up the bass I cannot believe they're allowing female archers into the Olympics! I mean, archery was our final refuge.
Yes, we have our clubs and our corporations, and the entire Congress, but what does any of it mean without archery? Why can't women be happy with traditional ladies' sports, like giving me a backrub or no sports at all? It's not even the fact that they're women.
It's just that archery was good as it was.
And do you know what burns me? When you're courting a woman and you think you have a a very good conversation about the value of her father's horses, and so you give your calling card to her butler.
And then she takes two weeks to have her servant deliver her calling card to your butler.
- I mean, what are we even doing? - What are we doing? Honestly, women's archery is but the first step towards a world none of us would recognize.
Gentlemen, it is time to take action.
Excuse me, Uncle Victor, but this conversation's a bit too barbaric for my taste.
Could I please go to the garden and draw? [scoffs softly.]
Yes, go.
[dramatic string music.]
What was that? Timothy, I have great news.
You're a princess.
Beatrice, I have great news.
What is it? You and I are not brother and sister.
But we have all the same servants.
I know, but Celery found my gift certificate, and I'm adopted.
- [gasps.]
- Do you know what this means? No.
It means that we can finally be together.
- Oh, Frederick.
- Oh.
[gentle romantic music.]
[music halts.]
What? Is it my breath? Because I've been playing this game where I brush my teeth never.
No, that's not it.
It feels like something's missing.
With us.
Well, then, we have to go find it.
[gentle somber music.]
[rousing string music.]
All wealthy women learn archery when they're young.
It's the only sport that teaches the three basic tenets of womanhood: silence, standing still, and crushing boredom.
Hear ye! Hear ye! We are the WNBA! The Worried Nationalists on Behalf of Archery.
And we are here to claim archery as a sport for gentlemen! So get your fat, bloated pig face off of my archery range! I'll tell you what, Victor.
We'll leave if you can hit the bull's-eye.
Hell, we'll leave if you can even hit the target.
[laughter.]
Please.
This is so easy.
[tense music.]
- [groans.]
- [women laughing.]
Ow.
No, no, no, this is this is a bow for women.
It's not regulation.
- Yeah.
- Stop laughing.
No, no, actually keep laughing.
As a man, I command you to keep laughing.
- That's it.
- Ha-ha-ha.
[mock laughter.]
This isn't over.
I've got quite a few more arrows in my uh, what's the thing they keep the arrows in? My arrow holder.
Beatrice and I lost our love somewhere, so we decided to retrace our steps and see where we left it.
And hopefully it's in the house, because I once lost a teddy bear in the woods and I never [stifled cry.]
[tearful laugh.]
I never still out there.
[cries.]
Remember when we were babies, and also last year when we used to take baths together? Mm-hmm.
Maybe this is where we lost our love.
Oh, Frederick.
[romantic music.]
[music halts.]
I don't think we left our love in the tub.
Remember this place, where I lost my virginity to you and you're pretty sure you lost it to me? Maybe this is where we lost our love.
Oh, Frederick.
[music halts.]
I'm sorry.
I don't think we left it here either.
Remember this place? - No.
- [music halts.]
Not at all.
Me neither.
I don't think I've even ever been in this room before.
Why did I bring you here? [dull string music.]
Frederick.
Did you ever think Don't say it.
Don't say that I would have lost that foot race to Chucky Addleston if I hadn't told him his mother died of an exploding brain.
I wasn't.
Oh.
I was going to say, do you think maybe our love is gone because we're no longer brother and sister? Well, maybe we can just pretend.
You mean, like role play? Ooh! I call Beatrice.
You always get to be Beatrice.
Well, maybe because I'm better at it than you.
"Grr.
I'm Beatrice.
And I'm your sister.
And I'll poison the nanny if she tries to teach us the alphabet.
" "Ooh, I'm Frederick.
And I'm your brother.
We share the same toilet.
" Oh.
And we share the same [together.]
Parents.
- Oh, Beatrice.
- Oh, Frederick.
[gentle romantic music.]
[both moaning.]
Oh, oh, oh, be gentle.
Ah! [inhales deeply.]
[music halts.]
Wait, wait.
It's no use.
I think, maybe, being twins was the only thing keeping us together.
Guess I'll just have to go find my real parents.
Maybe I have a real sister who I can have sex with.
She's a lucky girl.
I know.
[gentle somber music.]
Words didn't seem to deter them, so the WNBA is taking things up a notch.
[upbeat guitar music.]
Why, Judith, these are your private boudoir drawings.
[men chuckling.]
Ah! Smile less! What do you have to be so happy about? I'm going back to Iowa.
[men laughing.]
Telegram.
"I'm going to [bleep.]
stop your face stop.
" I quit! [men chuckling.]
[glass shatters.]
Oh, my God.
"Next time, this goes into your uterus.
" [gasps.]
[men cheering.]
Well done, gentlemen.
Well done.
This one? [soft scoff.]
I'll take care of her.
[dramatic whoosh.]
[birds chirping.]
[sniffing.]
What is that wonderful aroma? [faint Klezmer music.]
[singing Yiddish.]
[singing continues.]
- [chuckles.]
- Good Shabbos, Hamish.
Good Shabbos, Doctor.
Oh.
Hello.
Can we help you? Yeah.
What is this table of delights? Why, this is Shabbat.
It's the centerpiece of the entire Jewish faith.
Oh.
Where are our manners? Take a seat.
Huh? Join us.
All are welcome here.
[Chuckles.]
Are you not going to the women's archery event? The women's archery event? [both laugh.]
What will they think of next? Women's shoes? Medicine, but for women? [both laugh.]
Ah, smells like the hallah's ready.
[playful dramatic music.]
Damn it, Lillian.
Listen to reason.
A woman has no place in an archery competition.
Listen to me, you festering boil, women aren't good at anything.
We're not smart enough to vote.
We're not stable enough to own property.
We can't be trusted with a bank account.
And on top of that, we're not funny.
That's true.
But we can shoot a [bleep.]
arrow into a goddamn target, so just give me that one little thing.
God, why won't you drop out like your pathetic little friends? I don't know if you've heard, but your little archery whores are proving to be cowards in the face of very real threats of violence from me.
Yes, well, now that you've eliminated my competition, the gold will be all mine.
I wanted to thank you for that.
You're so thoughtful.
[Laughs.]
So then the farmer goes to Heaven, and he says to God [speaks German.]
.
And then God says to the farmer [speaks German.]
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
[pleased sighs.]
We are having so much fun with you, little boy.
- You know, I've got an idea.
- Yes? Why don't we go round the table and engage in that ancient Jewish ritual, where we say whom, if we could travel back in time, each of us would kill.
Oh, good, good.
I love this game.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Okay.
I would choose Marco Polo for stealing pasta from the Chinese.
Let's see.
Who would I choose? I think that I would choose my ex-lover, Louise.
Oh, wait! No, she's still alive.
So, technically, I could kill her now.
So, um, uh, Marco Polo as well.
- Marco Polo.
- What about you, little Adolf? Yes, Hitler, who would you kill if you could go back in time? [ethereal music broods.]
Oh, I I don't like to think about violence.
It makes my tummy queasy.
- Ah.
- Oh, well.
You're a better man than I.
[chuckles.]
To Adolf Hitler! To Adolf "Peaceful" Hitler! [laughs.]
Shabbat shalom, young man.
- Yes.
- Sha bbat shalom.
Mm.
And bite and chew and chew and bite and chew and chew and chew - and bite.
- [Inhales.]
And chew and chew and chew and chew I saw my birth certificate.
I know that I am adopted, and that Beatrice is not my sister.
So you don't have to lie to me anymore, Mother.
If that is your real name.
Don't be ridiculous, Frederick.
Keep chewing, Garfield.
You and Beatrice are both my children.
I gave birth to you, remember? I don't remember.
Frederick, you're not adopted.
Now, please leave.
I've just started a new health regimen.
And bite and chew and chew and chew and bite and chew and chew.
New apple.
Goddamn Dodo.
Of course I forged that birth certificate.
But don't worry, I'll find a way to get Frederick into the White House.
And now, the moment you have all been waiting for: the Women's Lady-Archery Finals.
Get off the field! [men jeering.]
Unfortunately, all of the other competitors have dropped out, other than Lillian Bellacourt.
- Which means - I win.
I win the gold! The event is cancelled.
Of course, you can't have a competition without competitors, so.
Well, that's not fair.
I've already had my neck girded to support the weight of the heavy gold medal.
If life were fair, Lillian, then lemons would be sweet and my wife would be her brother, Gary.
You shall not play archery today.
[pouts.]
[rousing dramatic music.]
Ladies, are you going to let these sniveling half-men intimidate you into giving up the chance to lose a competition to me? Who's with me? Wait! I will compete.
[gasps.]
May the woman with the most functioning senses win.
[dramatic hip-hop music.]
Beatrice, there are you.
I have wonderful news.
I spoke with Mother, and she is positive that we both came out of her.
We are brother and sister.
- Oh, Frederick! - [delighted laugh.]
Both: Mmm.
[gentle romantic music.]
[music halts.]
- Wait.
- Mm? - Wait.
- What? I just remembered where we lost our love.
- It was here, in this room.
- Ah.
When you blamed me for our relationship and sent me to live in a nunnery.
How does that have anything to do with this? Well, you were mean to me.
And for reasons I don't understand, that makes me not want to have sex with you anymore.
I just don't understand how my behavior and your desire to have sex with me are at all related.
I don't know either.
But it's over, Frederick.
No.
It can't be over.
No, Beatrice, wait don't leave me.
Where are you going? I'm going to watch women's archery.
[laughs.]
Women's archery? Don't laugh.
It's not funny! It's pretty funny.
No, no! Beatrice, please don't leave me.
Adolf, I just gotta say, I can't get it out of my mind.
Why wouldn't you kill somebody if you knew that you could get away with it hum? Yes, even I, who have taken an oath to preserve life, other than those lives that I've taken through medical malpractice, would love to kill a man from time to time.
Destroying life is destroying art.
Und I am an artist.
You're an artist? Keeping secrets, Hitler.
We love art.
- We love art show us some.
- Show us.
You want to see my art? - Yes! - Yes, of course.
We'd love to.
Hitler, please.
Oh.
It is a boy who is eating the jelly, butter, and peanut sandwich.
Well, Hitler, I must say, this art Stinks! [both laugh.]
Oh, it does.
You are a bad artist.
Were you using shit for ink? Because pee-yew.
Mother says I show great promise.
Oh, Mother is an idiot.
Your mother should only make one great promise.
And that's to keep you away from the art supplies.
[both laughing.]
I hate you! I'm sorry, did you just say, "I hate Jew"? No.
I said I hate you.
You are terrible people! Just terrible! Now I know who I'd kill if I went back in time.
Myself! [solemn music.]
Well, that was dramatic.
- [crowd startles.]
- I got it.
And so, Helen Keller's final arrow, like the previous two, has failed to make not only the target, but that end of the field completely.
I think this is perhaps because she is not a trained archer and, of course, she is as blind as a Louisiana bluesman.
Which means all that Lillian Bellacourt must do now is simply hit the target at all to win.
[rousing orchestral music.]
- Stand down! - [crowd gasps.]
[epic dramatic music.]
Not today, Victor.
It is verboten! Which is German for "don't [bleep.]
do it!" Well, I don't speak German because I'm a woman and no one ever bothered to send me to school.
Now, get out of the way.
I won't get out of the way for you or any other woman.
For you have made men the target.
Do it, Lillian! End him! Get out of the way! You'll have to kill me first.
[epic dramatic music.]
Well, this isn't a hard decision at all.
[arrow thwacks.]
[slow-motion groan.]
- [applause.]
- I won! I won! Where's my gold? [giggles.]
Where's my gold? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, you see, you haven't actually won anything yet.
There's no gold? Well, no, no, but you have won the chance to compete in the actual Olympics, which are, of course, in the far future.
This isn't the Olympics? [soft laugh.]
We're in Newport.
These were the trials.
But you have won the chance to represent women everywhere.
But I don't care about women anywhere.
Sorry, girls.
Next stop, a no-expenses-paid trip to St.
Louis, Missouri.
That's right, opal of the Mississippi.
Which happens to have three two-star hotels, one of which is a riverboat.
- Hm? - St.
Louis? Think of the catfish.
- I could get scalped! - Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't be caught dead in a rail-over state.
Hm.
I supposed Helen Keller wins.
- [applause.]
- Tell her she won.
[uplifting music.]
[crying.]
[arrow thwacks.]
[whoosh.]
[arrow thuds.]
[crowd gasps.]
[crowd groaning.]
[all groaning.]
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't think we left it here either.
Blanche, finish me off! Oh, [bleep.]
, [bleep.]
! [moans intensely.]
[exhales.]
Thank you.
[applause.]
A little known sporting contest, the Olympics, is coming to America for the first time.
As a Bavarian, I am most excited for the archery competition.
In fact, my nephew Adolf is coming from Austria to observe.
- [arrow thwacks.]
- Bull's-eye! Adolf, did you see that? Uncle Victor, do you ever feel like the beauty of the world is so intense that your heart may just explode in your chest? - Oh, my God.
- [soft laugh.]
I know he's my nephew, but I must admit, I do not care for Adolf Hitler.
And that concludes men's archery for today! Huh.
That's queer.
The way he said "men's archery," as though there could be any other kind.
And now may I present the competitors for the first-ever Olympic women's archery team.
What did he say "women's"? [Xzibit's "Runway Walk".]
Damn what I got to say to get a piece of that Damn what I got to say to get a piece of that Women? In Archery? Women in archery! [rousing dramatic music.]
- [gasps.]
- [laughs.]
No! [heaves.]
[gags.]
[vomits.]
I want the money I want the fame I want the whole world to know my name This is mine, I got to get it I got to get it, got, got to get it "Another Period" Absolutely disgusting! God hates you! You! And since all women are disabled when it comes to sport, here to usher in this momentous new occasion, my good friend, the one and only, Helen Keller.
[applause.]
Save your cheers and taunts.
She doesn't know where she is.
Of course they choose Helen Keller to be the ladies' sports ambassador.
She can't even compete! I never let my circumstance determine my destiny.
And neither do the inspiring women here.
[applause.]
By the tits of Medusa, don't clap.
She doesn't know you're clapping for her! Keller or not, I'm joining this archery team.
Prep the sports corset.
Make ready my field gown.
If anyone's going to be famous for sports, it's going to be me.
Help me down.
[remixed classical music.]
[clears throat.]
Freddy, that is not how an adult unpacks.
What are you doing with the Constitution? - Oh, I signed that.
- You should not have done that.
Yeah, there's some tricky stuff about black people in there.
Just find somewhere safe to keep it.
Freddy.
This is your birth certificate.
[soft laugh.]
Says that you're adopted.
What? That means your mother and father aren't your mother and father.
Mumu and Pupu? That means that Lillian and Hortense aren't your sisters.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Wait, who's Hortense? Neither is Beatrice.
[dramatic music.]
I've been having sex with a stranger my whole life? No, if Beatrice isn't your sister, that means you didn't commit incest.
Yes, I understand what it means! You don't have to rub it in.
No, it's a good thing.
There is no scandal.
You're just a regular adulterer.
It's a good thing? Yes, everyone in Washington cheats on their wives and vice versa.
What? We'll announce the good news right after the Olympics.
Turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up the bass I cannot believe they're allowing female archers into the Olympics! I mean, archery was our final refuge.
Yes, we have our clubs and our corporations, and the entire Congress, but what does any of it mean without archery? Why can't women be happy with traditional ladies' sports, like giving me a backrub or no sports at all? It's not even the fact that they're women.
It's just that archery was good as it was.
And do you know what burns me? When you're courting a woman and you think you have a a very good conversation about the value of her father's horses, and so you give your calling card to her butler.
And then she takes two weeks to have her servant deliver her calling card to your butler.
- I mean, what are we even doing? - What are we doing? Honestly, women's archery is but the first step towards a world none of us would recognize.
Gentlemen, it is time to take action.
Excuse me, Uncle Victor, but this conversation's a bit too barbaric for my taste.
Could I please go to the garden and draw? [scoffs softly.]
Yes, go.
[dramatic string music.]
What was that? Timothy, I have great news.
You're a princess.
Beatrice, I have great news.
What is it? You and I are not brother and sister.
But we have all the same servants.
I know, but Celery found my gift certificate, and I'm adopted.
- [gasps.]
- Do you know what this means? No.
It means that we can finally be together.
- Oh, Frederick.
- Oh.
[gentle romantic music.]
[music halts.]
What? Is it my breath? Because I've been playing this game where I brush my teeth never.
No, that's not it.
It feels like something's missing.
With us.
Well, then, we have to go find it.
[gentle somber music.]
[rousing string music.]
All wealthy women learn archery when they're young.
It's the only sport that teaches the three basic tenets of womanhood: silence, standing still, and crushing boredom.
Hear ye! Hear ye! We are the WNBA! The Worried Nationalists on Behalf of Archery.
And we are here to claim archery as a sport for gentlemen! So get your fat, bloated pig face off of my archery range! I'll tell you what, Victor.
We'll leave if you can hit the bull's-eye.
Hell, we'll leave if you can even hit the target.
[laughter.]
Please.
This is so easy.
[tense music.]
- [groans.]
- [women laughing.]
Ow.
No, no, no, this is this is a bow for women.
It's not regulation.
- Yeah.
- Stop laughing.
No, no, actually keep laughing.
As a man, I command you to keep laughing.
- That's it.
- Ha-ha-ha.
[mock laughter.]
This isn't over.
I've got quite a few more arrows in my uh, what's the thing they keep the arrows in? My arrow holder.
Beatrice and I lost our love somewhere, so we decided to retrace our steps and see where we left it.
And hopefully it's in the house, because I once lost a teddy bear in the woods and I never [stifled cry.]
[tearful laugh.]
I never still out there.
[cries.]
Remember when we were babies, and also last year when we used to take baths together? Mm-hmm.
Maybe this is where we lost our love.
Oh, Frederick.
[romantic music.]
[music halts.]
I don't think we left our love in the tub.
Remember this place, where I lost my virginity to you and you're pretty sure you lost it to me? Maybe this is where we lost our love.
Oh, Frederick.
[music halts.]
I'm sorry.
I don't think we left it here either.
Remember this place? - No.
- [music halts.]
Not at all.
Me neither.
I don't think I've even ever been in this room before.
Why did I bring you here? [dull string music.]
Frederick.
Did you ever think Don't say it.
Don't say that I would have lost that foot race to Chucky Addleston if I hadn't told him his mother died of an exploding brain.
I wasn't.
Oh.
I was going to say, do you think maybe our love is gone because we're no longer brother and sister? Well, maybe we can just pretend.
You mean, like role play? Ooh! I call Beatrice.
You always get to be Beatrice.
Well, maybe because I'm better at it than you.
"Grr.
I'm Beatrice.
And I'm your sister.
And I'll poison the nanny if she tries to teach us the alphabet.
" "Ooh, I'm Frederick.
And I'm your brother.
We share the same toilet.
" Oh.
And we share the same [together.]
Parents.
- Oh, Beatrice.
- Oh, Frederick.
[gentle romantic music.]
[both moaning.]
Oh, oh, oh, be gentle.
Ah! [inhales deeply.]
[music halts.]
Wait, wait.
It's no use.
I think, maybe, being twins was the only thing keeping us together.
Guess I'll just have to go find my real parents.
Maybe I have a real sister who I can have sex with.
She's a lucky girl.
I know.
[gentle somber music.]
Words didn't seem to deter them, so the WNBA is taking things up a notch.
[upbeat guitar music.]
Why, Judith, these are your private boudoir drawings.
[men chuckling.]
Ah! Smile less! What do you have to be so happy about? I'm going back to Iowa.
[men laughing.]
Telegram.
"I'm going to [bleep.]
stop your face stop.
" I quit! [men chuckling.]
[glass shatters.]
Oh, my God.
"Next time, this goes into your uterus.
" [gasps.]
[men cheering.]
Well done, gentlemen.
Well done.
This one? [soft scoff.]
I'll take care of her.
[dramatic whoosh.]
[birds chirping.]
[sniffing.]
What is that wonderful aroma? [faint Klezmer music.]
[singing Yiddish.]
[singing continues.]
- [chuckles.]
- Good Shabbos, Hamish.
Good Shabbos, Doctor.
Oh.
Hello.
Can we help you? Yeah.
What is this table of delights? Why, this is Shabbat.
It's the centerpiece of the entire Jewish faith.
Oh.
Where are our manners? Take a seat.
Huh? Join us.
All are welcome here.
[Chuckles.]
Are you not going to the women's archery event? The women's archery event? [both laugh.]
What will they think of next? Women's shoes? Medicine, but for women? [both laugh.]
Ah, smells like the hallah's ready.
[playful dramatic music.]
Damn it, Lillian.
Listen to reason.
A woman has no place in an archery competition.
Listen to me, you festering boil, women aren't good at anything.
We're not smart enough to vote.
We're not stable enough to own property.
We can't be trusted with a bank account.
And on top of that, we're not funny.
That's true.
But we can shoot a [bleep.]
arrow into a goddamn target, so just give me that one little thing.
God, why won't you drop out like your pathetic little friends? I don't know if you've heard, but your little archery whores are proving to be cowards in the face of very real threats of violence from me.
Yes, well, now that you've eliminated my competition, the gold will be all mine.
I wanted to thank you for that.
You're so thoughtful.
[Laughs.]
So then the farmer goes to Heaven, and he says to God [speaks German.]
.
And then God says to the farmer [speaks German.]
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
[pleased sighs.]
We are having so much fun with you, little boy.
- You know, I've got an idea.
- Yes? Why don't we go round the table and engage in that ancient Jewish ritual, where we say whom, if we could travel back in time, each of us would kill.
Oh, good, good.
I love this game.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Okay.
I would choose Marco Polo for stealing pasta from the Chinese.
Let's see.
Who would I choose? I think that I would choose my ex-lover, Louise.
Oh, wait! No, she's still alive.
So, technically, I could kill her now.
So, um, uh, Marco Polo as well.
- Marco Polo.
- What about you, little Adolf? Yes, Hitler, who would you kill if you could go back in time? [ethereal music broods.]
Oh, I I don't like to think about violence.
It makes my tummy queasy.
- Ah.
- Oh, well.
You're a better man than I.
[chuckles.]
To Adolf Hitler! To Adolf "Peaceful" Hitler! [laughs.]
Shabbat shalom, young man.
- Yes.
- Sha bbat shalom.
Mm.
And bite and chew and chew and bite and chew and chew and chew - and bite.
- [Inhales.]
And chew and chew and chew and chew I saw my birth certificate.
I know that I am adopted, and that Beatrice is not my sister.
So you don't have to lie to me anymore, Mother.
If that is your real name.
Don't be ridiculous, Frederick.
Keep chewing, Garfield.
You and Beatrice are both my children.
I gave birth to you, remember? I don't remember.
Frederick, you're not adopted.
Now, please leave.
I've just started a new health regimen.
And bite and chew and chew and chew and bite and chew and chew.
New apple.
Goddamn Dodo.
Of course I forged that birth certificate.
But don't worry, I'll find a way to get Frederick into the White House.
And now, the moment you have all been waiting for: the Women's Lady-Archery Finals.
Get off the field! [men jeering.]
Unfortunately, all of the other competitors have dropped out, other than Lillian Bellacourt.
- Which means - I win.
I win the gold! The event is cancelled.
Of course, you can't have a competition without competitors, so.
Well, that's not fair.
I've already had my neck girded to support the weight of the heavy gold medal.
If life were fair, Lillian, then lemons would be sweet and my wife would be her brother, Gary.
You shall not play archery today.
[pouts.]
[rousing dramatic music.]
Ladies, are you going to let these sniveling half-men intimidate you into giving up the chance to lose a competition to me? Who's with me? Wait! I will compete.
[gasps.]
May the woman with the most functioning senses win.
[dramatic hip-hop music.]
Beatrice, there are you.
I have wonderful news.
I spoke with Mother, and she is positive that we both came out of her.
We are brother and sister.
- Oh, Frederick! - [delighted laugh.]
Both: Mmm.
[gentle romantic music.]
[music halts.]
- Wait.
- Mm? - Wait.
- What? I just remembered where we lost our love.
- It was here, in this room.
- Ah.
When you blamed me for our relationship and sent me to live in a nunnery.
How does that have anything to do with this? Well, you were mean to me.
And for reasons I don't understand, that makes me not want to have sex with you anymore.
I just don't understand how my behavior and your desire to have sex with me are at all related.
I don't know either.
But it's over, Frederick.
No.
It can't be over.
No, Beatrice, wait don't leave me.
Where are you going? I'm going to watch women's archery.
[laughs.]
Women's archery? Don't laugh.
It's not funny! It's pretty funny.
No, no! Beatrice, please don't leave me.
Adolf, I just gotta say, I can't get it out of my mind.
Why wouldn't you kill somebody if you knew that you could get away with it hum? Yes, even I, who have taken an oath to preserve life, other than those lives that I've taken through medical malpractice, would love to kill a man from time to time.
Destroying life is destroying art.
Und I am an artist.
You're an artist? Keeping secrets, Hitler.
We love art.
- We love art show us some.
- Show us.
You want to see my art? - Yes! - Yes, of course.
We'd love to.
Hitler, please.
Oh.
It is a boy who is eating the jelly, butter, and peanut sandwich.
Well, Hitler, I must say, this art Stinks! [both laugh.]
Oh, it does.
You are a bad artist.
Were you using shit for ink? Because pee-yew.
Mother says I show great promise.
Oh, Mother is an idiot.
Your mother should only make one great promise.
And that's to keep you away from the art supplies.
[both laughing.]
I hate you! I'm sorry, did you just say, "I hate Jew"? No.
I said I hate you.
You are terrible people! Just terrible! Now I know who I'd kill if I went back in time.
Myself! [solemn music.]
Well, that was dramatic.
- [crowd startles.]
- I got it.
And so, Helen Keller's final arrow, like the previous two, has failed to make not only the target, but that end of the field completely.
I think this is perhaps because she is not a trained archer and, of course, she is as blind as a Louisiana bluesman.
Which means all that Lillian Bellacourt must do now is simply hit the target at all to win.
[rousing orchestral music.]
- Stand down! - [crowd gasps.]
[epic dramatic music.]
Not today, Victor.
It is verboten! Which is German for "don't [bleep.]
do it!" Well, I don't speak German because I'm a woman and no one ever bothered to send me to school.
Now, get out of the way.
I won't get out of the way for you or any other woman.
For you have made men the target.
Do it, Lillian! End him! Get out of the way! You'll have to kill me first.
[epic dramatic music.]
Well, this isn't a hard decision at all.
[arrow thwacks.]
[slow-motion groan.]
- [applause.]
- I won! I won! Where's my gold? [giggles.]
Where's my gold? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, you see, you haven't actually won anything yet.
There's no gold? Well, no, no, but you have won the chance to compete in the actual Olympics, which are, of course, in the far future.
This isn't the Olympics? [soft laugh.]
We're in Newport.
These were the trials.
But you have won the chance to represent women everywhere.
But I don't care about women anywhere.
Sorry, girls.
Next stop, a no-expenses-paid trip to St.
Louis, Missouri.
That's right, opal of the Mississippi.
Which happens to have three two-star hotels, one of which is a riverboat.
- Hm? - St.
Louis? Think of the catfish.
- I could get scalped! - Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't be caught dead in a rail-over state.
Hm.
I supposed Helen Keller wins.
- [applause.]
- Tell her she won.
[uplifting music.]
[crying.]
[arrow thwacks.]
[whoosh.]
[arrow thuds.]
[crowd gasps.]
[crowd groaning.]
[all groaning.]
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't think we left it here either.
Blanche, finish me off! Oh, [bleep.]
, [bleep.]
! [moans intensely.]
[exhales.]
Thank you.