As Time Goes By (1992) s03e03 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Oh wonderful.
- Oh, it's you! - Oh.
I've had more ecstatic welcomes.
I was just surprised.
I thought we were having a day off.
Come in.
So you now answer the door with a knife in your hand? - I was just getting a stain out.
- With that? Yeah.
It was the stubborn sort.
- Can I get you anything? Some cornflakes? - What makes you think I'd like cornflakes? - I've just had some.
- Oh.
Well, where is this stain? - There.
- That's a hole.
There was a stain.
- Yes, well, it's a hole now.
- I know it's a hole! Huh.
I went at it a bit too hard, I suppose.
I expect I'll have to pay when I take it back to the hire people.
Yes.
I think they'd have accepted a stain.
I imagine questions will be asked about a hole.
What shall I say? Well, you can't really claim to have been stabbed, can you? I'd profess total ignorance and hope for the best.
I don't know why people have to dress up for weddings.
Well, if you hadn't had to dress up, that could have been your own coat.
What do you mean, you thought we were having a day off? - Well, not seeing each other today.
- You make it sound like a public holiday.
- It's just an expression.
- A relief of some sort.
- If this is your mood today, it would've been.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I am a bit edgy.
- I want to ask you something.
- Oh, I see.
- Sure you wouldn't like something? - What this time? Porridge? - Cup of tea? Cup of coffee? - No thanks.
It's quite a nice view if you crane your neck round.
What did you want to ask? Well, yesterday, when we were coming back from your father's wedding, - you talked about us living together.
- I didn't talk about it.
I suggested it.
- Would you like to sit down? - No.
- You've changed your mind? - No, I haven't.
I just wanted to make sure you hadn't.
I mean, you had had a few.
Well, I don't make a serious suggestion like that in a drunken stupor.
Nobody said a drunken stupor.
You couldn't talk at all in a stupor.
- Stop splitting hairs.
- You stop exaggerating.
And would you come and sit down, please? Good.
- I know what you're driving at.
- Oh? You're afraid it was the drink talking.
Well, it wasn't.
I suggested it was a good idea.
I still think it's a good idea.
Now, if you on the other hand are looking for some excuse No, no, I'm not.
I think it's a good idea too.
Right then.
I think I'll have a custard tart.
Is that the equivalent of splitting a bottle of champagne? Well, it's a bit early for champagne.
Would you like a custard tart? On the whole, no.
It will seem strange, you living here.
What? I said - It'll seem strange.
- Yes, well, of course it will.
- You won't miss things, will you? - Oh, what's there to miss? Being alone or finding yourself saying good night to the weatherman? - I do that sometimes.
Not to Michael Fish.
- Oh, no.
Not Michael Fish.
But you can miss thing things though.
But you couldn't move everything to one place.
There wouldn't be room to move.
Sentimental things.
They're what really count.
You're quite right of course.
- Now you're looking sad.
- No.
I was thinking of the things that won't fit.
Well, just think.
If you hadn't been posted to Korea - We wouldn't be having this conversation.
- I know.
- Supposing we'd moved in together then.
- Hardly practical.
I was in barracks and you in the nurses' home.
Well, a bit later then.
- What would we have had? - Very little.
Exactly.
Just a few sticks of furniture and each other.
- A bed.
- Well, of course a bed, but The important bit was the each other.
- And I know it sounds silly but it still is.
- That doesn't sound silly at all.
- I felt quite a warm glow then.
- Good.
- So, what about it? - What about what? Well, we've done the where, we should discuss the when.
Yes, we should.
- It's not a good time to sell property.
- It never is.
That could take years.
- And years are what we don't have.
- That's a depressing thing to say.
No, what I mean is, that we've made the decision.
Now, don't let's get bogged down with all the details.
Let's just Let's just do it.
Yes, let's.
- When? - Oh - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? Apart from anything else, if we hang about, we could get cold feet.
- You could.
- We could.
Tomorrow.
- Noon.
- You make it sound like a western.
Right, you're on.
I must get going.
There's a lot to do.
- You'll tell Judith.
- I won't spring it on her.
- I wonder what she'll say.
- Well, come with me and tell her.
No, you're right.
There are a lot of things to do.
Jams to sort out.
- Did you say jams? - Yeah, well, you like jam and I like jam.
Chances are, if we put all our half-empty jars of jam together, we'd have too much.
Some of it could go mouldy.
Do you know, that would never have occurred to me? I've only just thought of it myself! - Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
- Yep.
See you tomorrow.
We'll be all right.
Yes, of course we will.
Ha! Don't think too much about the jams.
- Morning, boss.
- Morning, Sandy.
Just to let you know, I won't be in the rest of the day.
- Did you come in to say that? - I want a word with Judith.
Why didn't you do that at breakfast? You do live together.
- I didn't know then.
- Oh.
Are you going to tell me any more? Lionel and I are going to live together.
Good.
And about time too, some would say.
- Well, I would.
- You don't think it's silly, at our age? - No.
- Oh.
Why are you smiling? - It's your face.
- Sandy! No, I mean You look so young.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- I mean, here you are, a woman of - Mature years.
mature years.
And you look like a young girl about to move in with her first boyfriend.
Well, he was my first boyfriend.
Not that I've ever lived with him.
I've only lived with one man.
I was married to him.
Huh.
Quaint, aren't I? - I think you're a bit scared.
- Well, all this wisdom coming with age.
Load of rubbish.
I get sillier.
- I must tell Judith.
- Good Absolutely.
No, 10:30 will be fine.
No, it's no trouble at all to come to you.
Yes, I shall look forward to seeing you too.
Bye-bye.
- Ergh! - Friend of yours? Mr Davidson.
The phantom groper of Greek Street.
Dirty Dudley Davidson.
- Why are you meeting him? - Self-sacrifice.
- He's offering us work.
- Be careful with what else he's offering.
- I must go.
- Judy, I want to tell you something.
- Tell me later.
- No, no, I want to say it now.
- Well, go on, then.
- Lionel and I are going to live together.
Oh.
Right.
- On a permanent basis.
- Right.
I'll see you, Mum.
- Could you sign these before you go? - I told her.
She said, "Oh.
Right.
" That's all she said.
- What does it mean? - Well, I think it means, "Oh.
Right.
" - You make it sound really simple.
- Oh! - Where are you going? - To get you a cab.
The sooner you're out of here, the better.
Oh.
End Of An Innings by Denis Compton.
Huh! Well, I'm certainly not gonna let you go.
Oh.
- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.
Come in.
Can't stop.
I'm on my way to have lunch in Amsterdam.
- Amsterdam? - Great eels in Amsterdam.
- Oh.
Reason enough.
- Absolutely.
Which is a left-field way of saying I've got some good news about your book.
Have we sold another copy? Show some faith, Li.
You are being published in Holland! - Hence the eels.
- Right.
Think of it as a sort of beach head.
Soon we could be marching into Belgium, Scandinavia, Germany - Well, thanks anyway, Alistair.
- My plesh completely.
- Having a bit of a clear-out? - No, I'm making some space.
Jean's moving in tomorrow.
- Hey, hey.
- Yes.
Hey, hey.
- Well, well! - Could we dispense with all that, please? Sorry, sorry.
She's, er She's moving in here? Yes.
Why the tone of voice? Well, I just thought that you'd be moving in with her.
I mean, that is a really nice pad.
- What's wrong with this, then? - Nothing.
Nothing.
It's, er - It's - Mm? Mm? Spartan.
It's a bit spartan.
- I'm not a frilly sort of person.
- I'm not talking frilly, Li.
I'm talking homey.
- Haven't you got a plane to catch? - No offence intended, mate.
It could just do with softening up a bit.
- Jean won't want to move into a tart's boudoir.
- Did I say that? Did I? I'll buy some cushions or something.
Look, I've got a mate in interior design.
He's Hungarian.
A couple of days, you wouldn't recognise the place.
- Call me old-fashioned - Have I ever? Yes.
But I want to recognise the place.
If it was as big a dump as you imply, Jean wouldn't be moving in, would she? Game, set and match, mate.
And I never said it was a dump.
Anyway, she'll make a difference.
She'll soften it up.
- Will she? - Women do.
My wife didn't.
In Kenya, I meant.
Well, most women.
Anyway, I could not be more knocked out at your news.
You and Jean are a dream team.
- A dream team? - But A team.
An item.
Hm? - You should have a bash.
- A what? A bash.
A party.
A "Hey, here we are party.
" I think we should have a "Let's see if we can live together without driving each other mad" party first.
- You're a cautious guy, Li.
- Don't let your eels get cold.
Right.
Are you sure you wouldn't like Zoltan to give you a ring? - Zoltan? - My Hungarian.
Thanks all the same.
Hm.
- Goodbye, Alistair.
- Cheers, Li.
- Hi, Mum.
- I'm up here.
Oh.
- What are you doing? - I'm making some wardrobe space for Lionel.
Oh, right.
- You said it again.
- Did I? - You're not throwing this out? - Yes, I am.
I must have been drunk or conceited when I bought that.
- Can I have this? This is back.
- Oh, where from? The dead? - Oh! You're not throwing this out? - Well, I'm most certainly not going to wear it.
- It's so tiny.
- Yes.
I only kept it for sentimental reasons.
It was your father's favourite.
- You hussy.
- Yes.
- It did make my legs ache.
- Why? Couldn't sit down.
- I bet everything here tells a story.
- Yes.
But before we go down memory lane, Judy, I want to talk to you.
- Well, go on, then.
- This "Oh, right" business.
- What about it? - Well that's all you said when I told you Lionel and I were going to live together.
I'm worrying about it.
- Well, what on earth for? - Well It's what you say when I tell you there are pork chops for dinner.
No, it isn't.
I don't like pork chops.
Well, lamb chops, then.
I mean - It's doesn't convey an opinion.
- Yes, it does.
I means fine.
It means I'm pleased, I'm glad.
- Oh, are you really? - Yes, of course I am.
It's been a long since you've had anything in your life except work.
- Well, I've had you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hm.
- Anyway, now things are looking up.
- You are going to live in sin.
- Mm.
You'll have to stop wandering round with no clothes on.
- Is that all that's worrying you? - Of course not.
- Things are likely to change with Lionel here.
- That's a bit like stating the obvious.
Yes, but I don't want you to feel well, put out.
Well, I shan't.
Not unless you kick me out on the streets.
- Do you fancy a cup of tea? - Oh, yes, please.
Oh! That'll be it.
That'll be what? That'll be what? - Miss Pargetetter? - No, it's Pargetter.
Not Pargetetter.
Oh, sorry.
Got your delivery here for you.
I'll have to get this out first.
- I'm not having that in the house.
- It's all right, Mum.
This isn't it.
That's it.
- Why? - Well, for Lionel.
Could you bring it in, please? Oh, dear.
You will keep your eye on that for me, won't you? You know what people are.
Oh.
Judy! It's all right, Mum.
You don't have to talk to it.
Poor thing.
I didn't shoot it.
Died at a good age.
Oh.
I felt an utter fool out there.
It's nice, isn't it? It's for Lionel.
Yes, you said that.
Why? Well, he's not bringing any furniture with him.
Is he? - God, I hope not! - Well, I bought him this.
- It's to sit on.
- Yes, I know what it's for.
- I still don't understand why.
- Because of us.
Because everything here is sort of feminine.
Oh.
Perhaps you should have bought the zebra's head as well.
I just want him to feel at home.
Well, I'll buy a few military prints and a gun rack.
You have a soft heart.
Just think, this time tomorrow, Lionel will be sitting in this.
Ah.
Yes, he'll feel a bit odd with it stuck out there, won't he? Oh! With the time coming up to 12 o'clock we go over to the newsroom for the midday headlines We should be on that.
Anyone home? Only the office drudge.
If you decided to come and work for me, we could change all that.
- Could we really? - Would I lie? I see you as a personal assistant.
A very personal assistant.
That isn't why you're here.
- I've come to ask Judy for lunch.
- Then why are you chatting me up? Force of habit, I suppose.
I'm serious about the job, though, should you decide to move on.
- She should be back soon.
- Mind if I park? - Help yourself.
- Ooh-ooh-ooh! - Now what? - I love the way you eat.
It's nothing.
I picked it up when I was a baby.
Ah! If I have to listen to one more taxi driver's Oh.
Hello, Alistair.
Hi.
I've come to take you to lunch.
Well, aren't I the lucky little thing.
Do I catch a whiff of asperity? There was talk of us going out to dinner last night.
Ah.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I got stuck in Amsterdam.
You know.
Hm.
- Well, just give me a minute, then.
- It's like taking sweets from a baby.
Yes, all right, Sandy.
- So how's the lovely Jean? - Spoken for.
Give me a break.
It was a serious enquiry.
- This is a big day for her.
- And Lionel.
Both of them then.
Mum was twitching about all over the place when I left this morning.
- What time's she going? - Going where? - Round to Lionel's.
- No, she wasn't.
Lionel's moving in with us.
- Type For You.
- That's strange because I was chatting to old Li yesterday and he said that Jean was moving in with him.
Well, you must have got that wrong.
- I don't think so.
- But that's absurd.
They can't each think that - Can they? - Bang goes lunch.
Look, why are we going to see Lionel and not Jean? Because it's a total mix-up and he's obviously responsible.
- Why not Jean? - Because she isn't.
- That's the sum total of your argument? - She's my mother.
Oh, well, yes.
That's that, then.
Here we are.
- You find somewhere to park.
I'll go on up.
- No, this will be fine.
- You're on a yellow line.
- No probs.
Perhaps he's lost his nerve.
Perhaps he's done a bunk.
Great white hunters do not do bunks.
You're starting to believe your own publicity.
He planted coffee.
Well, he wouldn't run away.
Let's try Jean's.
Maybe he's there.
Now, that's a bad omen.
Things aren't going right even for you.
Oh! - Now, look here.
- We're not total fools Doctor.
- 4.
60.
- Keep the change.
Good afternoon.
Type For You.
- Is Jean Pargetter there? - I'm afraid Miss Pargetter's not here.
- Do you know when she'll be back? - I'm her secretary, can I help? I see.
Yes.
Oh, hold on a minute.
Miss Pargetter's just walked in.
It's for you.
It's the police.
They want to talk to you.
That's not funny, Sandy.
I'm not being funny.
They want you to vouch for a Mr Lionel Hardcastle.
He was found acting in a suspicious manner outside your house.
Hello.
Jean Pargetter speaking.
Who? Lionel who? No, I'm sorry.
I've never heard of him.
- That was mean.
- Mean? Mean? I hope he gets life.
Now, hold on a minute.
You don't know all the facts.
- Lionel thought you were moving in with him.
- Don't be absurd! I'm not.
Judith just rang me.
- He was expecting you.
- Then he's unhinged.
- You were expecting him.
- That's what we agreed.
- Well, somebody's got it wrong.
- Yes, somebody has.
- You can't leave him in prison.
- He's not in prison.
- A police station, then.
- I'm tempted.
I know you're tempted but you can't.
Whatever was going wrong, at least Lionel was trying to sort it out.
- He did go to look for you.
- I went to look for him.
- He wouldn't have known that.
- Well, why was he acting suspiciously? - Was he putting a brick through the window? - That's not likely.
- Where's Judy? - With Alistair, looking for you.
Oh, it's a complete shambles.
Yes, it is, isn't it? You coming back here wasn't very logical.
No, I just thought, "I'll go back to work where it's all safe and sane.
" Then I'm on the phone to the police.
Oh.
I'd better go round there, I suppose.
- Well, phone them up.
- No.
After what I've said, I'll have to convince them I'm not stark-raving mad before they'll listen to me.
- Denied any knowledge of me, they said.
- I was angry.
- I wasn't in the best of moods myself.
- It was your fault.
- Do you always peer in people's windows? - Yes, always.
I usually carry a stepladder with me as well.
- We'll be moved on.
- We can't talk here.
I don't want to talk anywhere.
Taxi! Where are you going? Alaska.
- I'm coming with you.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes I am! - Are you gonna do anything about this? Not unless you damage the cab.
I never interfere in domestics.
I'm in now, anyway.
I assume I don't take Alaska literally.
You could have injured me.
- I could have you for forcing into my house.
- Go ahead.
They know me at the station.
How could you possibly ask me to believe that I agreed to come and live with you? - Let's start again.
- I don't think I have the stre Yes, all right.
I said, "Let's live together.
" - And you said yes.
- Yes.
Then you said, "When?" I said, "Tomorrow" and you made a joke.
- About it sounding like a western.
- Because I said noon.
Then you said yes.
And that was that.
But you never actually said, "Let us be absolutely clear about this.
"I am talking about you living with me, not the other way round.
" Of course I didn't.
It sounds more like a legal document than something anyone says.
I do remember asking you if it would feel strange.
I thought strange pertained to me having you in my house.
- And I talked about missing things.
- I thought you meant your things.
Well, I don't know.
- It all seemed very obvious to me.
- Yes, it was to me.
- Just a different kind of obvious.
- Obviously.
Well, that's cleared that up.
We'll just reset the date.
Yes.
And you move in.
No.
- No? - I don't want to.
If this is some childish reaction to my behaviour in the taxi No, it isn't.
I want us to live together.
I just want you to move in here.
I think I'd like a drink.
You don't want to, do you? No.
- I don't.
May I? - Yes, help yourself.
It's the wrong way round, you see.
- I'd feel like a kept man.
- No one said anything about keeping you.
- It's how I'd feel.
- You couldn't afford to keep me.
I'm well aware of that.
In any case, Judith lives here.
Oh, now, for God's sake, she's not a child.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- What's that meant to mean? It would be like living with two women.
Of course it wouldn't be like it.
Unless you're taking living with in a sinister way? Other people might.
Anyway, she might resent me.
- She bought that chair.
- Is that relevant? - She bought it for you.
- I can't explain it.
It just wouldn't feel right.
All right, you don't have to go on about it.
Oh.
She's left a note.
She and Alistair.
"We give up.
We couldn't find anybody.
" Well, I've given my reasons.
What about yours? Well This is my home.
Your flat's just a place you live in.
I mean, I brought Judith up here.
I like it.
You always stay here.
Why would it be so terrible to live here? It wouldn't be.
I like it too.
- Then what's the problem? - It's yours! Oh, you've retired behind the old male bastions, haven't you? And you've retired behind Are there such things as female bastions? I don't see why not.
Anyway, we both retired.
Leaving some space in between.
- Is that a threat? - No.
It's a fact.
Well, it's been an eventful day.
I think I'll go back to my flat which isn't apparently a home and have beans on toast.
- I shall have a bath.
- Right.
Well, I'll see you soon, then.
Yes.
Perhaps we should have a few days off.
- We're back to that again, are we? - Well, we don't seem to get past it.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #