Bewitched (1964) s03e03 Episode Script

Mother, it's the middle of the night.
That's the proper time for us, you know.
Well, what is it? I thought you should know that tomorrow has been chosen as the day of the witches' coven.
Coven? Why? Who? Your aunts, the entire group.
They're flying in from all over the world.
Clara has been collecting old doorknobs in Bolivia.
And Enchantra has been coaching a yogi in Outer Mongolia.
And Hagatha is coming from her school.
- What's the occasion? - We've all been designated a coven to examine and report on Tabatha.
Report? What kind of report? Ordinarily I don't get myself involved in committee work.
I've done more than my share, as you well know.
But Tabatha is my grandchild and I want to be here when her powers are measured.
Good.
I'd like to know myself.
Darrin will object.
Oh, boy, will he object.
That's why I came to tell you tonight.
- Get rid of him! - What? Not permanently, just for tomorrow.
Although permanently is a more attractive idea.
Well, fortunately, that won't be necessary.
Even though tomorrow's Saturday, Darrin has to work.
- So we're in the clear.
- Splendid.
I don't have to measure your powers, Tabatha.
I know you're the most adorable little witch in the world.
Bye-bye, honey.
Think you're gonna have to work late? Isn't having to work Saturday bad enough? Somebody ought to tell Larry about the 40-hour week, eight-hour day.
- Talk about your slave drivers.
- Oh, darling, Larry's not that bad.
He's not, huh? Greetings.
Would you mind knocking before you pop in? Well, I thought you were on your way to work.
I am.
And somehow you showing up makes it all seem worthwhile.
- I'll call you later.
- Please do.
Especially before you come home.
Why? Well, so I can have a martini in the window.
What else? That's a good idea.
Don't feel you have to wait for me, Endora.
Never fear.
Oh, that mortal.
Oh, I do hope Tabatha's powers are not limited to her unfortunate lineage.
That unfortunate lineage happens to be Tabatha's father and my husband.
- I'll thank you to remember that.
- I know, I know.
But I love her anyhow.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Aunt Clara, are you all right? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
I'm I'm all right.
Oh, dear.
Oh, yes.
You know, Samantha l'm afraid that you're going to have to put a bigger chimney in.
You You know? You might try coming through the door, Clara.
And lose my professional standing? Oh, there's the little darling.
What a dear little girl.
Oh, it's so long since we've tested a child.
Aren't you excited, dear? Oh, yes, I certainly am, Aunt Clara.
I hope the others aren't too late.
I'd like to get on with it.
Mother, do you think Daddy'll be here? I have no idea where Maurice is and I have no intention of hunting him down.
- Well, it would be nice if he were here.
- Why? It's your father.
Because Tabatha is also my grandchild.
Oh, Daddy! How's Daddy's little girl, eh? May I remind you that she is also Mama's little girl? I wish you'd stop making these unannounced theatrical entrances, Maurice.
It's really quite unnerving.
I'd always hoped somehow that age would mellow you, Endora.
Instead, you're just puckering up.
Now, now, Mother, Daddy, don't.
Clara, it's been a long time.
Maurice, you're looking very well.
Oh, there she is.
There's Maurice's little precious.
Do that again, and I'll make you talk baby talk for the rest of your unnatural life.
You wouldn't dare.
Well, she's quite a little girl, isn't she? Yes, and she's certainly got it.
There's no question of that.
I'm glad you're pleased, Daddy.
You know, there's a lot of me in this little darling.
A certain nobility, a certain fire, a How about sickening charm? Someday, Endora.
Someday.
Daddy, are you gonna stay for a while? Aunt Hagatha and Aunt Enchantra are coming here.
A coven, eh? Well, the child must certainly be certified.
There's no doubt about that, Samantha.
Tests must be made.
- You'll stay for them? - I'm sorry.
I was on my way to the opera in Vienna when I heard about Tabatha.
They're doing Faust tonight.
I always get a million laughs out of that.
Besides, you don't need me.
This is women's work.
Clara, you're looking more ravishing than ever.
Oh, thank you very much, Maurice.
I must leave before this gaggle of geese gets here.
Let me know what their findings are.
How will I be able to get in touch with you? Right.
This This will always get through to me.
Thank you, father.
Well, curtain time.
Keep smiling, Endora.
I'll never know what I saw in that man.
I know.
What in the world is keeping them? I'm due in Tel Aviv this afternoon.
Oh, really? What's in Tel Aviv? What's in Tel Aviv? The surf's up, my dear.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I hear them coming.
Aunt Hagatha, Aunt Enchantra, how lovely to see you both.
Thank you, dear.
Nice to be here.
Oh, you came together.
How very sisterly.
Hagatha picked me up on the way.
You're both late.
Let's get on with it.
Thank you, Macbeth.
We won't be needing you for a while.
- Where is the little darling? - She's in the kitchen eating cookies.
Oh, she shouldn't have anything to eat before the tests.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot, Aunt Hagatha.
Well, I'll just have to make allowances for it.
Be careful.
She's just a baby.
Well, we haven't lost a patient yet, dear 308 years certifying witches.
I hope the husband isn't home.
No, the poor dear's working.
Oh, well, good.
Humans emit a low-grade frequency which upsets my instruments.
Put this on the child, Clara.
Yes.
Oh, it's a pity that Darrin had to work today.
Some of your ideas are mighty provocative, Darrin.
Mighty provoc Where did you get that? This? Samantha gave it to me.
It's Well, in case we go out to lunch, and you have some spaghetti or lobster or What else is kind of drippy? You want a straight answer? The Saturday work must be getting to him.
Must be getting to me too.
Aunt Clara.
Eight to five, it's Aunt Clara.
Tabatha.
Lovely.
I knew it all the time.
I knew it.
I knew it.
- Wonderful.
- Simply wonderful.
That was wonderful.
Well, it's all over.
Wait until you hear the results.
Well, that's it.
Tabatha has been tested by the approved methods and standards.
And I come to the conclusion that despite the fact she's a product of a mixed marriage her powers are amazing and she shows a great potential.
Therefore, I, Hagatha do hereby declare and certify the child Tabatha to be a true and verified witch.
- Lovely tea, Samantha.
- Thank you, Aunt Clara.
Well, let's finish up here, girls.
We have some decisions to make about Tabatha.
Decisions? What decisions? We have to decide what Tabatha's whole future is going to be.
I think that's a matter for Darrin and me to decide, don't you? Yes, well, after all, they are the mummy and daddy.
Quiet, Clara.
You too, Samantha.
It's our responsibility.
Well, I don't see it that way.
You will.
Sam, what is going on here? Who? - Darrin, dear.
- Who are these? These These - Darrin? Dear? - What? This is my aunt Hagatha and my aunt Enchantra.
This is Darrin, my husband.
Tabatha's father.
Well, well.
Yes, indeed.
Well, I suppose it's a matter of taste.
Yes.
De gustibus and all that.
Pity.
It's getting late and we still have some decisions to make.
Let's get on with it.
- With what? Get on with what? - Don't interrupt, Darwood.
Darling, they've been testing Tabatha and they've found out that her magical powers are very, very strong.
Well, I guess we'll just have to live with it, that's all.
Quiet.
Clara, any comments? Well, yes.
Yes, of course.
L And on the other hand, you know Thank you, Clara.
Enchantra? In view of the fact that Tabatha is the first witch of her generation and because of her importance in the hierarchy I feel she should be immediately sent to your school.
I agree.
I agree with Enchantra.
After all, Samantha went to Hagatha's school.
All the really chic people did.
- Now, wait a minute! - You're interrupting again.
I'm the father, and I have a few questions.
Where is this school? That, young man, is none of your business.
Now, Aunt Enchantra, really.
Mother, this has gone far enough.
Testing Tabatha was one thing but decisions about her future, that's something else.
Right.
This is our business.
Tabatha is our daughter and Miss Tabatha Stephens is going to our public schools.
That's it! I have spoken.
How dare you.
Easy.
How dare you talk to us in that tone of voice.
You impudent nothing.
You mortal.
Don't you talk to my husband like that.
He has every right to say what he thinks.
This is his house, and Tabatha is his daughter.
You know, I think I have a wonderful idea.
Well, I thought Now, what was that? Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
Now, why doesn't Enchantra move in and stay with you as Tabatha's teacher? Not a chance.
Not a prayer.
Well, if you feel as strongly as that maybe we'd better think about it some more.
Sort of m Mull it over.
There will be no mulling.
Everybody out! I've had enough of the whole kit and caboodle of you.
Out! Out! Bravo.
Bravo.
Well, I mean, you have to admit that he said that with a great deal of spirit.
Well, I agree with Darrin.
Tabatha stays here.
That's our decision, and it's final.
Girls.
I don't hear you.
What? What did you say? Oh, listen, dears, speak louder.
I can't hear a word you say.
No, I can't Can't hear you.
Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
Whatever they say, I'm on your side.
Samantha.
It really hurts me that you've drifted so far from our tradition and your great heritage.
Now, we've heard your decision.
Now hear ours.
You're both obviously incompetent to raise a child as important as Tabatha.
Therefore, we're sending her to Hagatha's school at once.
That child leaves this house only over my dead body! Unfortunately, that won't be necessary.
Girls.
Sam, I can't move my feet.
I can't either.
Mother, you stop this.
Well, of all the chintzy tricks.
Tabatha? That's kidnapping! How dare you? Mother, you're going to be so sorry for this.
You just wait That's enough out of all of you.
Girls.
You may be angry now, Samantha but we're doing this for Tabatha's own good.
You'll thank us for it later on.
And I'm sure your father would approve.
Trouble, Samantha? All right.
I get the picture.
A little bit of witch-napping, eh? Oh, go back to your opera, Maurice, and stop interfering.
That baby belongs in her room.
Now then, take the spell off them.
- Unthinkable.
- We'll do no such thing.
Out of the question.
It's for our grandchild's own good.
Why, you muddling, bumbling bunch of creaking old crones.
- I ought to - Oh, Maurice, stop the theatrics.
Honestly, I think you should've been an actor instead of a warlock.
Perhaps, and I should have been the greatest of them.
I should have played Hamlet.
O that this too too solid flesh would melt thaw, and resolve itself into a dew or that the Everlast All right, all right.
I heard you the first time.
Maurice, will you please leave? You'll miss your favourite aria.
No, I won't.
They can't put the curtain up on the third act until I get back.
Take the spell off them.
Now, you have no right to interfere with this committee.
One word more out of you, madam, and And what? Where are we? Where are we? Oh, it's so cold! It's Mount Everest! Oh, that ham.
I didn't think he'd dare.
Oh, I'm freezing.
We shall be here forever! Oh, not I.
I'm not dressed for it.
Oh, all right! Maurice! I think they'll be more flexible now.
Once they've thawed out.
Ladies, I'm waiting.
All right.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Oh, yes.
There will be no more interfering with my grandchild.
Macbeth! Ladies? Well, ladies? Well done, Daddy.
For you and my darling granddaughter, anything.
I'd like to thank you too, sir.
For you, nothing.
You happen to be just standing in the fallout of my love for my daughter.
- Gee, thanks, Dad.
- Watch it, boy.
Well, time for the third act of Faust.
Can't keep the curtain waiting any longer or Mephistopheles will have hysterics.
Maurice, would you mind dropping me? Clara! I can think of no nicer company.
Come along.
He's quite a guy, your father.
He's really very nice when you get to know him.
It's okay, honey.
I understand your father.
Under that suave, polished exterior, he hates me.
Well, that's all right, sweetheart.
Because under this smooth, girlish exterior, I love you.
Darrin? Even though they found that Tabatha has great potential her powers are still very limited.
She is just a baby, after all.
I knew you'd understand.
Her powers may be limited, but her appetite isn't.
I'll handle it.
Daddy.
Just got her to sleep.
Two visits in one day.
What a marvellous surprise.
Well, I'm a grandfather.
I just thought I'd do a little bit of babysitting.
Why don't you and Dolphin go out for the evening? Thank you, Daddy.
That would be wonderful.
The evening's on me.
Where would you like to go? Bullfights in Madrid, skiing in Switzerland a cup of tea at the foot of Fujiyama? What would you like to see? Daddy, nothing in the world could top what I'm looking at right now.