Brassic (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

1
The following program contains
strong language, violence,
and adult humour from the start.
Now I am not going to get cross
with you. Alright?
Just tell me how it went
so badly wrong.
I don't know Vincent,
I don't fucking know.
I thought we had pulled it off. All
I know is I am supposed
to lose the race and guess what,
I lost the fucking race.
Just in a slightly different way to
what we had anticipated
Simple, wasn't it?
Was it not a simple plan?
You grab the jockey that's
riding the favourite
Switch it out with knobhead
He fucks the race up and loses.
Gerry's horse comes in and
we all get paid.
Tell me how you ballsed it up.
I'll tell you where it
happened. This prick here
and his inherit sizeist attitude
- Get to fuck.
- Ashley Dennings?
What? All I said was that the
jockeys, all look the same
Oh, there we go. Prejudice
raises its ugly head!
And he's branding me a sizeist.
They fucking do all look the same -
in their matching satin outfits.
All walking one by one with each
other like a little
- vindictive fairy tale
- Rude!
I'm sorry. I grabbed
the wrong fucking jockey.
It wasn't just the wrong jockey -
you grabbed the jockey we
wanted to win the race and you
left the favourite to win it.
Knobhead on Gerry's horse.
Go on Tommo!
Where the fuck is he? Where is he?
I never said I could ride a horse.
That was you lot,
and your nasty
little assumptions based on,
thank you very much, my
diminutive stature.
They have chimps riding
horses in the circus.
- We shoulda just got a chimp.
- Dickhead.
It wouldn't have made a
fucking difference, you
you got on the wrong fucking horse
is what you did alright?!
- You cost Gerry sixteen grand.
- F-ffuck.
It's a lot of money. Fuck's sake,
now we owe him sixteen grand
Y'know what I am saying?!
It's our balls up.
Again!
Fiddly dee, I wonder
who this could be?!
- Erin
- It's fucking Gerry you knobend.
121 missed calls.
Fuck me!
Vin
Sorry we're full up today so if
you can just go down the other end-
Alright love, I am getting it.
I said I'll get it, so I'll get it.
Honestly, what are you
stressing about?
I'll tell you why I'm stressing.
There's gonna be twenty five sugared
up eight year olds running riot
round here in less than four hours'
time along with their mega snobby
nosey mothers who'd love nothing
more than me to fuck this up.
Oh and on top of that, on top of
that I'm meant to be
relaunching a club and I've
found out the flyers haven't been
handed out, which means we are going
to have no fucking customers-
Right, where do you want
me? What can I do?
Hang on.
Excuse me, out boys, thank you
No chance.
Mate, it's a kid's party not
some stag do in the 'dam.
Go on.
Oh, it's getting worse. Go on.
Stop making words for a second
Cos I am here,
and I am looking at the cake right now.
Jesus, they are brilliant aren't they
Are ya?
Yeah, they are amazing
at what they can do. Look at that
They've spelt everything correctly?
Fucking hilarious, y'know I
am bad with reading stuff
What is it supposed to say?
It says 'Vinnie you're having a fucking
laugh if you think I'm that daft'.
That's a lot to fit on one cake innit.
Just get the cake here, pronto.
Right, don't let me down Vin
I won't let you down, when have
I arrived she's gone.
She's just gone.
Oh yeah, shit Have that
- JJ?
- Vincent?
Are you still after a Rolls, you?
Yeah. What's the condition?
It's mint. Classic. Deep blue.
- 91 plate
- Yeah. How about the interior?
Cream leather.
Oh, my flipping God, yeah,
yeah, get it, get it.
Get it? Oh!
Oi listen. Drive carefully right and
don't do anything stupid like taking
any of them lot for a ride in it.
Oi, knobhead,
you are on speaker phone.
Good. Well flipping well make sure
none of you chimps touch anything.
And that is especially you, Tommo,
with your dangly little legs
- and dirty size four shoes.
- They are size six.
Scratch it and I'll scratch
you. Comprendez?
Com Com Completely.
- Vin, can we stop for chips?
- No, we can't stop for chips.
- Why not?
- Cos we've got to drop this off haven't we?
What?
Here yar
Sorry, how do we get bluetooth on?
Menu, settings, bluetooth.
- Why do you need the bluetooth?
- Chips afterwards, how's that?
- But it's on the way
- Never mind if it's on the way
Where are you No. Come
back here you bastards!
Oh fuck. What's going on?
Cream donut.
Cream donut,
where did you get a cream donut?
- Had it on me.
- What, in your pocket?
- Yeah?
- Oh, Christ.
Asked you to keep
your eye on him, it's a posh car y'know.
JJ's been after one of
these for fucking ages.
Honestly this could sort us out
y'know, set us straight with
- Gerry and that.
- I am gonna bell that twat.
Now then Gerry love
You've got some neck
phoning me, you balding little prick.
H- way now, come on
Give me a chance to say, I'm
going to sort your money out.
I can get you a chunk of it today Gez.
- It's too late for that, Vinnie.
- What?
- I've sold the debt on.
- What?
I've cut my losses and
I've sold the debt.
You no longer owe me the sixteen g's.
Fuck dude, who've you sold it to then?
- The MacDonaghs.
- Oh fuck off.
You fucking could've given me
some time there!
You've had time. Plenty of it.
You dodged all my calls and
showed me no courtesy.
- You forced my hand, Vinnie.
- You know what they are like.
They are nutcases.
My advice to you is settle the debt
with them lunatics before the
interest starts piling up and
spiralling out of control.
Fuck me. The MacDonaghs?
Devon Lewis owed them a grand six
months ago, now it's twelve.
He's a fucking window cleaner,
how's he gonna pay them back?
Especially with two broken ankles.
MacDonaghs nicked his ladder when
he was doing a third-floor window.
Fuck me, that's all I need innit.
How are you now?
What?
How? Don't rip the piss of us
Grand, yeah, we're on the
way. We're on the way
What's going on?
It's me Uncle Francis.
He wants to see you.
What's Uncle Francis want to see me
for dude? He doesn't like me at all.
- Something's happened to Doolan.
- He's not got engaged again, has he?
He's been kidnapped.
He went out yesterday morning, the
last thing he said to me was
'I love you, Mammie.
I'll see youse in a bit' but
then he never came back.
Don't worry Clodagh. Doolan'll be back,
you'll see him back in one piece real soon.
Happen he got lost or
y'know Or engaged again?
He likes getting engaged. That's true.
He's romantic like that.
Sixteen engagements is beyond romantic.
It's pathological.
Don't you feckin talk ill of your
poor brother, not while he's
in his hour of need.
- I mean do we know who's taken him?
- Stupid fucking question.
The list's as long as your arm.
Take your pick from any
of sixteen jilted brides
or their humiliated fathers
for starters.
That fella he fell out with over the whole
business with the weasels and the caravan?
Yeah
They after sending a note.
Ta.
'Give us twenty grand,
Or Doolan get
Get sit.'
- 'Doolan gets it'.
- Get's it, yeah.
'Nockops'? Nockops? Dyl Nockops,
what does that say?
'No cops'. No cops-Christ
Or funny 'bus in ass'?
Business.
'Or we'll do him in.
Send a gadjo with'
- Fucking hell, 'We'll be in touch'
- Gadjo?
Yeah, a fucking gadjo
- What's a fuckin Gadjo?
- Youse.
Youse are fuckin gadjos.
- I'm a gadjo?
- Yeah, you're a gadjo.
- And I'm a gadjo am I?
- That there is a term for a non-gypsy.
Just say that then
You're the only gadjo we can trust.
And the only one we know.
And some random gadjo might not appreciate
what would happen to him if he crossed us.
You, you fucking know.
They sent a burner phone and said
they'll ring today so keep it on.
And if you miss it, on your
fucking head be it.
Franny, is there not someone who's
a bit more suited to this?
- I am just very thin man and
- You won't let us down Vinnie,
It's a big old responsibility
though this, y'know?
And I don't want to be late for
picking up this cake later
I fecking told you, he's
a waste of fecking space.
We are asking you to save a man's
life here and you are pissing
- and shiteing on about cake.
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
Too fucking right you will, boy.
Ta
Twenty grand. No funny business.
They call.
You go straight down to the drop off point and
leave it exactly where they tell you to. Done.
We're counting on you to get him
back for us, Vinnie.
Erin. "Where the fuck are you?
We are open tonight" - Fuck you.
- What's that about?
- Fuck her.
Thinks she can demote me from my own
club and expect me to dance to her tune?
No thank you very much sunshine
I made that place what it is right?
And so help me God,
I will turn up whenever the
fuck I want to.
I think that is why that place
is what it is, Tommo.
Fuck off.
Tyler's birthday innit, yeah?
How old's he turning?
- Twelve, thirteen?
- Really?
Summat like that
Seven. He's seven-year-old.
He's turning eight.
I suppose you don't see him
much anymore do you Dyl?
It's funny isn't it, how things
change cos you used to be
with Erin and be Tyler's dad.
And now Vin is Tyler's dad and
you ain't got anyone.
Yeah. What do you reckon, Cardi?
Think I might have fucked my life up?
Yeah, but you know if it weren't for
second chances, Dyl, we'd all be alone.
I have got it. I got Tyler's cake.
Have they rang?
- Defend that with your life.
- What?
Got it?
Yes. Get both phones on,
get them on bluetooth
Dyl, just check it is on
Jesus Christ! I just checked it two
minutes ago when you asked me then.
It's fuckin' on.
- Is it on silent?
- It's not on fuckin silent.
Will you relax.
Fuck me, Francis really fucking
puts you on edge.
He does yeah, and I
swear to God, I just
I don't know what I do to get on
his tits, since I have been a
little lad, he's always hated
me, hasn't he?
- Hateful man. Hates everyone.
- He's never liked me.
He's only ponying up for Doolan's
ransom because my Nan made him,
like forced him to
literally do it like
Hang on. Maybe there's a way of
making this worth our while.
- Go on?
- What I am thinking is this.
We swap out the ransom money, we
stake out the drop spot,
we follow the kidnappers,
we rescue Doolan of course
and keep the money for ourselves.
We still have enough
to pay off the MacDonaghs
and we keep a cheeky
four grand afterwards.
- How's about that?
- We are not doing that.
Franny is a grade A lunatic.
He is a nuclear weapon, he's
just looking for a reason to go off.
There's no way on God's green earth I
am piss farting around with his dollar.
We are doing this by the book boys.
We are gonna go to the kidnappers,
we are gonna drop that money off.
Save Doolan. Be bloody heroes and
off we go to Tyler's birthday party
- with his lovely cake.
- Grand. Thank you.
- Thomas.
- Okay, fair enough then.
And we need fuel.
Right, you, Are you gonna be a good
lad and hang on in there?
Yeah. Yeah. Do you want anything?
No, I'm good. I'm cutting
down actually.
Carol's got me on these diet pills. I
haven't had a poo in three days so.
I don't think that's good though
Cardi, not pooing in 3 days.
I'll take that with me actually.
Just remove temptation.
Dude, I am not going to eat
Tyler's b-birthday cake.
It's important. You guard that ransom.
Oh.
Oh no.
Oh Christ
If I was looking at
doing a ransom drop off,
I'd be thinking about here,
Coldwell Caverns.
No, you need to think escape routes.
Coldwell Caverns is full of shitty
back lanes, too easy to block.
They're going to be looking for access
to a motorway where
they can just disappear.
Or a helipad.
What about that forest we
used to piss around in?
I wouldn't go in there for a minute.
Wilton fucking Forest? There’s loads of
options there. Perfect for a ransom drop.
- That's a bridal path.
- What, for weddings?
For horses, Cardi
Oh fuck, what are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- I went for a poo.
- Oh my god the 20 grand.
- CARDI!
Jesus Christ.
Give me the cake.
Fucking farmers, shit! Mother fucker.
Oh. Hey. Hey.
One job. One fucking job.
Oh fuck me, it's
ringing. Ringing. Ringing.
Hello?
Bring the money to
Stenner Bluff in one hour.
Follow the path down from the
visitor's car park.
Can we just just can we just
shove this bitch back by an hour?
It's dinner time. Me mate has got
glands, he's low blood pressure stuff
Be there with the money as instructed
or we burn the gypsy to death.
- Fuck.
- All good yeah.
Not good, no.
We need to get the money to them pronto
or they are gonna burn Doolan to death.
Oh, for Jesus' sake lads.
Right. We need a motor.
Now. We need a motor now.
Come on then think then!
- JJ!
- Fucking JJ.
JJ!
JJ! Oh thank fuck.
JJ, we need a motor fucking pronto.
Why? I mean what could you
possibly need a motor for?
What the fuck does it matter JJ? My Uncle
Doolan's life is on the fucking line.
We lost the Roll's man, come on.
Oh, okay well y'know actually, don't
worry about that because the
- client has now changed his mind.
- JJ! We need a motor dude, now!
- I haven't got one.
- What's that under there?
- Nothing.
- What the fuck is that under there?
- You are up to some shit!
- No. Get hold of it.
Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin. Vin! No.
Fucking hell. Shit!
Motherfucker.
You better have a fucking good
explanation for this pally boy.
Just calm down alright because
this is not what it seems.
- Is it not?!
- Fucking bag's gone.
What bag?
The bag that was in the car
when it got stolen!
- Where is it?
- How's this ended up in here JJ?
It doesn't make any
fucking sense, at all this.
Unless, are you
Are you seeing other car thieves?
What the fuck are you on about, that
is fucking crazy? I am off.
Crazy is it? Explain yourself Now!
Come on.
I wasn't looking for anyone
else alright? They came to me!
To begin with. These two
fucking young joyriders.
They had this car, and
they wanted to know if I'd take it.
And I said I don't need it. I told
them I had a guy that sorts me out.
But then they just offered it to me
for next to nothing and
I don't know, y'know,
maybe I was flattered.
Oh!
A few weeks went past
and I saw them again.
- Fuck's sake.
- Unbelievable.
They were in an A80 with alloys.
I know I fucked up.
Alright. But it was just meant to
be like casual and easy.
Just a bit of fun. Like it
used to be with us.
Dude, we need to get going.
Son of a bitch.
I want fucking names, now!
What? I can't give names out. My reputation
would be shot if I gave up my suppliers.
So there fucking are others?
That's it!
What are you doing? I am
not even involved.
Get the cleaners in on
Monday then shall I?
- I'm gonna fucking kill a fish.
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Vin. Vin.
Don't you fucking touch my fish.
Shit Put that in your mouth.
Tommo. Don't you fucking
touch that fish.
- Get this in your fucking mouth, come on.
- What?
Put the fish in your mouth.
If he doesn't give us any names,
chomp the shit out of it.
- Can't sweetheart, I'm allergic.
- To goldfish?
To seafood.
- To fucking seafood, since when?
- Since birth?
- Is that a thing?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I had no idea. Put that in your mouth.
W-W-W-What's it taste like?
Like fucking doner meat.
It's a fish, innit. Yer knobhead.
I warned you. I fucking warned you.
Have you just swallowed
the whole fucking thing?
- No!
- Yeah.
No. I can't help it.
It's like chewing gum.
It just goes straight down.
What the fuck? Right, I am gonna
kill em all.
Fucking take it! Alright! Alright,
I'll tell you. I'll tell you Vin! Vin!
Right. It is going down
like Chinatown.
We are getting the twenty grand back.
Dude! Hey! Who are these fellas, Vin?
Have you ever heard of them? What if
they're tooled up?
We've got 23 minutes
before they burn Doolan man.
- We haven't got time to think.
- Ashley, do the door.
Get in here!
Who the fuck are you?
You fucking turd.
You Kaden or Reece Williams are yer?
Hey? You fucking are you
pair of twats.
That's mine you mother fuckers.
Is this what they teach you at
school is it? Dyl. Mind the cake!
Is this what they teach you? Fucking robbing
cars and bloody nicking cash and that?
- Don't go to fuckin school.
- Fucking mind your language.
Hey, have some fucking respect for your
bloody elders is what you should do.
What for? Because!
We've been in wars for you pal.
- What for?
- To make you free.
- What for?
- I'll tell you what for.
So, you can piss fart around on your
xbox Smoking fucking weed.
And platting your hair. Alright?
What would your fucking mam
have to say about all this?
- Mam?
- What?
Some knobhead wants to know
what you think about summat.
Who the fuck has done that to my
door? Who is this lot?
- Is this your mam?
- Mmhm.
She’s a fucking midget. Go ahead!
- Who are you?
- I'll tell you who the fuck I am.
Madam. I am concerned standing up-
Up-standing.
Fucking-up-standing
citizen who, just this morning,
had his motor vehicle misappropriated
by these two fuckwits here.
And I am telling you now,
they are on a one track
path to recinnivism. Eh?
If they continue down this route.
And not change their ways.
Shut it, nonce. What are you doing
noncing round my kids for?
- Fucking receding hairline twat.
- Oh yer fucker.
Yer a fucking receding hairline.
Dyl? Dyl?
Eighteen thousand, eight hundred.
It's short by twelve hundred.
How the fuck have you
spent twelve hundred quid already?
Oi you fucker!
Bought summat off Paul the burglar.
What the fuck could've been worth
twelve hundred quid off that knobhead?
Arghhhh! Jesus fuck!
Boa constrictor. Twelve hundred quid.
Wanker!
Why is it yellow dude?
We're meant to be there now.
I fucking know that I'm doing my best.
What are we going to do
about the missing cash?
Write 'em an IOU.
Fucking IOU, yeah let's
do that. Let's do that.
"Dear Mr Kidnapper,
due to circumstances beyond
our control, and some shite
parenting locally, y'know,
we have lost twelve hundred quid."
Fuck me. I don't fucking know, dude.
Oh shit. Hang on. Hang on.
- Hello?
- Is that little shit Tommo with you?
He's deliberately trying to sabotage
tonight, he's not handed out
any of the flyers I had made up, no,
no, no, he's just dumped them
- in a bin.
- Oh he is a fucking nightmare.
I have been looking for him all
morning. It's a terrible line this Erin.
Vin?
- Vinnie? Vin?
- Fuck.
- Think she believed that?
- Did she fuck. No. It was dog shit.
Oh shit she's ringing back. Shh.
Sorry Erin, I am sorry love,
we are just in the middle
of something. But he is, he is a
peevish little shit
Are you at the location?
Sorry mate, could you just
say that one more time.
We are on a bit of a bad line here.
Are. You. At. The. Location?
Am I there? Am I at the loca?
Are you, are you at the location?
I am not seeing you here pal!
Do you see the boulder with
a blue cross on it?
Do I see the boulder with a
blue? I can't just now
I might be facing the wrong way here.
- So. I'll spin it r
- You're not there, are you?
No. No. Two minutes
away. Two fucking minutes.
Listen to me
- Fuck. Shit!
- Fuck.
That's it then lads, we killed Doolan.
- Why?
- I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
- What we gonna do now?
- Ring Francis.
- Fuck that. I ain't ringing Francis.
- What the fuck else are we
supposed to do then, Vin?
We'll take the money to the,
to the boulder with the fucking x.
I don't fucking know
Ashley. I am sorry love.
We have got to do something.
He is family.
Oh shush. Shush.
Hello?
You've got twenty minutes to leave
the money behind the boulder
with a blue cross in the park.
If it is not there, then
the gypsy will burn.
Absolutely mate. I will
see you in a bit yeah.
- 'See you in a bit'?
- What?
It seems like a funny thing
to be saying to a fucking kidnapper.
Well.. What the fu Stop being
predantic, you dickhead
Stop-It's pedantic. Pedantic
Fuck! Fuck! What?
How did it escape?
Oh shit! I thought
you'd put it in the boot.
Keep that thing away from me dude,
for fuck-Why isn't is in the boot?
Chill out. It won't do anything
unless it's upset.
You chill out,
they eat things my size.
It's a boa constrictor, I seen one
like it on YouTube the other day.
I don't give a fuck what breed it is,
just get it off me.
Lad, it likes you, honestly.
Fucking hell Shit.
Fuck dude. Everyone alright?
Yeah
Who was coming round that corner?
- Who is it?
- Oh, fuck.
It’s the MacDonaghs.
Come on, we are going to
have to get out boys. Fuck me.
Yer alright Barry? Is
that Davey as well?
Vincent. Yer alright?
How's your dad doing?
He's alright, thanks for asking.
Still drinking a bit like.
Nice Rolls.
Ta
Saved us a trip to come and see you
about this money you owed Gerry.
That's our debt now, you know.
And I will not mess you
around on that one.
Y'know I had only just, just about
an hour ago found out about that
Davey?
- How much is here sunshine?
- Eighteen thousand, eight hundred.
Don't take it. Davey. Davey. Listen,
we're on a life-or-death mission.
We really need that money man.
We all do, Vincent. Eighteen
thousand eight hundred?
So there's sixteen to cover Gerry's loss
and then there's the interest on top.
Interest? It's only been a day.
Interest at a grand a day, and then
there's the damage to our vehicle
and our Barry's personal injury
claim to take into consideration.
I'm going to require significant
recompense for injuries
sustained, both physical and
emotional, in this crash.
We'll be in touch.
Oh. Oh. Hey. Hey. I've got a, I've
got a twelve hundred quids worth of
Boa Constrictor, in fucking
mint condition lads?
No, you haven't. He's
fucked off an'all.
Fuck dude! Well that's you that is.
You were fucking terrified of it
five minutes ago. You fucking-
Get out of it!
Get in the car will you?!
Fuck sake dude!
You had one fucking job to
look after the snake.
Fuck!
Oi! Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?!
- Will this un do?
- Come on, just hurry up.
Dude, we're pushing it now, come on.
I fucking know
Dyldo. I'll get us there.
Why is that on fire? Shit.
Cardi, get in the fucking car.
What took you so long?
I had to have a sandwich.
Put the radio on
We are going to be late now, what
took you so long?
Couldn't find the walkie talkies.
Yeah? Fuck me, you found that
though, didn't you?!
- What?
- A great big sandwich.
We're on a life or death mission
where every second counts.
It's Tyler's birthday.
A man's about to die.
And you stopped and made a butty.
Not This was on the
side, from yesterday.
You don't even believe that Cardi.
Looks full but it feels like there's
nothing in it.
- It weighs fuck all.
- How much would twenty grand weigh?
A twenty pound note weighs
one gram, so fucking Two kilos?
- That sounds about right.
- We need to pop more in this then.
Right, a full one of those will
be almost two kilos.
What? No. Hey Dyldo.
- Don't weigh it down with piss dude!
- Have you got a better idea?
- Use a fucking book or summat like that.
- Have you got a book?
No.
Just give me two seconds.
I am ready to go.
- Are you circumcised?
- Yeah.
It might just be a splutter cos I
don't need to go proper.
- Oh Jesus, the size of his penis.
- Awful isn't it.
- That's all I have there now.
- Go on Tom.
Can we try not bump around so much.
What do you want me to fucking do,
get us there on time or gentle?
Y'know what I mean?!
Fuck my life. Right, there you go,
that's it. That's all you got.
Careful Cardi now cos
that's almost full.
Well pour some out
then before he starts.
I've started now. He's started now.
You better start pulling up, Cardi.
- It's going to overrun, Cardi.
- I can't stop.
Oh, speed bump.
Argghh. You splashed
piss on me you prick.
Sorry, the bottle's heavy,
can you hold it?
I'm not touching it you've
pissed all over it.
I can't, the bottle
- I've got piss on me hands
- The bottle's all slippery.
Oh fuck. Protect that cake dude. Fuck!
It's in my eyes. I've got your
fucking piss in my eyes.
I just got a gobful Cardi.
Four minutes to go and we're at
least eight minutes away.
I've got other people piss
all over me fucking trousers
What the fuck is he doing now?
Me pants are fucking-Ah shit, me
fucking pants. Me pants have gone.
Vin turn round. Turn
around Vin, me pants.
Right, is everyone in position
and receiving? Over.
I'm standing here by the
massive statue
- Oh God.
- Lads, stop talking at the same time
and say 'over' when you're finished.
Over.
Ashley are you in position and
receiving. Over?
Receiving. Receiving. Over.
Thomas, are you in position
and receiving? Over?
Everything tickety-boo, over.
For fuck's sake, Tom.
Fuck mate, I am sitting having a fag.
I'm blending in aren't I? That's
what people do.
- Useless dickhead.
- You didn't say 'over'. Over.
Cardi, are you in position and
receiving, over?
Where the fuck?
Cardi, are you in posit
where the fuck's he now?
I don't believe this. He's over at
the fucking ice cream truck, over.
Look at him, Fucking hell.
He's not even got his radio on.
Listen, can none of you pay attention
longer than five bleeding minutes lads?
Hey. Hey. Quiet. Vehicle approaching
the drop off from the west. Over.
Ooh Which way's west, over?
No, never mind. False alarm.
- They turned off. Over.
- Oh Fuck.
You're supposed to say over. Over.
Look! Squirrel! Squirrel! Look!
Calm down will you, there are
squirrels all over the fucking place.
I mean, have we just given up
saying 'over' then have we? Over.
Fucking. Giant. Squirrel. Over.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Ooh. Ooh.
Holy fucking shit, where the
hell did he come from?
Jesus H Christ I see him.
You are fucking getting on me tits.
There is no such thing as
giant squirrels. Ooof!
He's got it. He's fucking got it.
Fucking stop that squirrel.
Oh fuck. Fucker!
Fuck!
Get the squirrel!
Fuck you squirrel! Fuck!
You not answering that?
No.
Is it Francis?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Y'know there's a chance they might
not actually like really kill Doolan.
Are you fucking mad?
We've just sent his kidnappers two
litres of dehydrated piss. Y'know.
I think they are going to be
fuming, taking it
out on poor Doolan right now.
Poor sod'll be burnt to crisp by
now won't he?!
Crispy Gypsy.
- Fuck's sake Tommo.
- What is your problem, sunshine?
I am just saying what we are all
thinking aren't I?
I remember when err Doolan got
engaged to Lorraine Hennessy,
two weeks after he'd got
engaged to Sharon Hennessy.
He had a set of
bollocks on him, didn't he?!
I'll have a double Hennessy please.
He was a hopeless romantic. He just
fell in love too easy was all.
Yeah, that lad fucking
loved getting engaged.
Unbelievable parties.
We could just like, ask him where
he has taken the money.
- Lord Fire
- Who?
The squirrel?
And how the fuck are we gonna do that?
We just could pop down to
the takeaway y'know and ask
'where did you take the money'.
Christ Cardi, you pick your moments
to be useful you, don't yer?!
Here we go.
Go on Ashley.
- Please, god, take it!
- Shut the fuck up dude.
Where's Doo
Take that thing off him, it's weird
Look at me. Fucking squirrel,
where's Doolan?
Who?
Doolan. Do what? I don't
Not fucking do what or doo wap
Doolan. I know you fucking
kidnapped him.
- I saw you take the bag.
- Fucking squirrel.
- What?
- Yeah.
No. Some Hillbilly said he'd give us
a hundred quid if I went and
picked it up for him.
I'm sorry, we are being a bit rough with
you. He is a sweet lad. Just a squirrel.
Sweetheart, listen to me. Listen
to me now. Settle down.
What did the hillbilly look like?
I never seen his face, he
just calls in orders and
and tells us to leave food at the
gate to his fucking creepy
- hillbilly place out past Joshi's Moor.
- Joshi's Moor.
Good lad. Right. Where the fuck is
Joshi's Moor? Is it Yosh's?
Yoshi's Yoshi's Moor
Come on let’s go
and save Ashley’s uncle.
Get in the fucking car.
Oh dude, it smells like bacon.
No. No. No. No. Barbecue chicken?
Reckon that's Doolan that,
lads. Human flesh.
Oh fuck
That looks like, yeah, that looks
like a human limb sticking
- out of a barrel lads
- Fuck's sake.
Poor Doolan. They've
barbecued the bastard.
Just call Francis,
let him deal with this.
I can't dude. I can't call Francis and
tell him we lost his twenty grand, twice,
- and killed his fucking brother?
- He'll fuckin kill him, Dyl.
- Me? It wasn't just my fault.
- Yeah, but,
for all intents and purposes, Francis
detailed the responsibility to you,
so in't that right, Ash?
I'm gonna go in lads. No one
messes with my family.
Ashley. Ashley. Fucking
hang on a minute Ash. Ash. Ash.
Ash Hang on. Hang on.
Hang on. Get down. Get down.
Tommy, stay here with that
fucker. Behave yourselves.
You're coming with me.
Shit. Shit. Get down. Get down.
You're coming with me. Come on.
Fuck.
We need him to talk though dude.
We need him to be able to talk,
don't knock him out.
Dude, I think you are
knocking him out. Ashley
Where is he? Where is he? Oh shit!
- Cardi! Cardi!
- I've got it!
- Where's Doolan?
- I don't know lads.
Where is he?
Lads. Lads. Leave me alone.
Leave me alone. It's me lads.
Stop hitting me will yer?
Please God it's me
Jesus. Doolan are you alive, are yer?
I'm fucking alive. Now would you
just stop fucking hitting me.
Shut the fuck up. You
terrible bell end Doolan.
I am not a fucking
Are you going bald?
- Yeah.
- You need to watch that now.
Oh shut your mouth Doolan.
Make a fucking brew dude.
- What's the deal?
- Get me up.
Here, wear that.
Cheers dude. Erm what is that thing?
That was a collagen-activating
face mask.
Invented by top scientists
in North Korea.
- I paid three hundred quid for that.
- Oh, r-right.
Worth every penny. Look at
that, not a blemish
Are you fucking mad? Wittering on.
Collagen face masks.
For God's sake, let's get to the
pressing matter at hand.
Why the fuck have you done
any of this man?
Why couldn't you just ask Franny for
the money?
It’s half my business too, but Francis
has been skimming from it for years.
If we’re equal partners,
how is it that he can afford a
60k pound Mercedes and I still
haven’t got a pot to piss in, right?
This was the only thing I could
think of to try and get some
- of that money back off him.
- I mean yeah. Be that as it may.
You've put us in a fucking
awkward predicament here.
I'm going to have to tell Franny
otherwise it's me in the shit.
Would you be telling him about
getting the ransom nicked off
of you twice or that you paid off
the McDonagh goons with his cash?
How the fuck do you know about that?
- I have my sources.
- Fucker!
Ashley, clip him
round the fucking head.
Right, I'll say this. If you can keep your
mouth shut, you can have half that ransom.
Vin, we don't have the ransom anymore.
I know we don't have
the fucking ransom dude.
I know that.
We're going to owe it yer.
I'll get it to yer as soon as,
ten grand, coming your way. How's that?
Good man. Good man.
I'm bleeding well. I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
- I've got just the thing here.
- Oh perfect.
Good catch.
Get a good fucking swig of that now.
We'll have a good night tonight, huh?
That's a lot in't it
Oh, you fecking
bastards, is that piss?
It is yeah. We all had a piss.
No. No. No. No.
I'm covered in cake.
Shall we sack it off?
Come on boys, the night is young.
I don't care who you think you are,
you're not in costume,
you look like you've been
rolling in shit and you stink
of piss. You're not coming in.
Jez, stop shouting.
Jez. Let me get a fucking word in.
Shall we just call Erin and see because I
don't think Tommo is going to get us in.
Listen sweetheart,
I don't know what Erin has been
telling you, but I am the
co-manager of this here enterprise.
So don't mess with me pal because
I am your fucking boss.
I swear I didn't man.
No I did. Oi. Hey.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hang fucking
fire a minute pal.
I don't have a boss, and
I've never fucking heard of you.
So why don't you fuck the fuck off
before you get hurt, alright?
Let me just For fuck's sake.
- Hold me back.
- What?
Hold me back.
Settle down. Gerry let
me get a word in
Fucking let me at him.
I see you mate.
Leave him. He's not worth it.
Leave it Tommo, he doesn't
realise who he's messing with.
No one disrespects me on my own turf.
I did not do that dude.
You sleep with one eye open.
‘Cos I don’t forgive or forget.
Tommy.
Shush.
Leave that
fucking man alone. Jesus Christ.
Gerry listen to me. I wouldn't do that
on me death bed. I would do summat like-
- For fuck sake.
- What?
Davey McDonagh's just been nicked
spending snide notes.
Francis used counterfeit bills to
pay his brother's ransom?
- Yes. For fuck's sake.
- And now it is my shagging problem.
Don't storm off Tom.
Let's get to the Rolls.
Get in the fucking van.
- Whatever vehicle it is.
- Fucking Jesus.
So does that mean we still owe the
MacDonaghs sixteen grand and
all that other stuff?
Yes, it does, yeah.
Christ And they are very bad men.
And we're in trouble with them
because Davey got arrested.
Yes.
It's a shame really that that boa
constrictor won't the one
that got nicked from that private
zoo in Hepton last weekend.
What?
Yeah, Carol told me about
it. They're offering a massive reward.
Shit. Where did you last see it?
Fucking hell.
Are you alright?
For fuck's sake.
What are you doing you,
fuck over here and give us a hand
looking for this snake dude.
Get to fuck. I am not dipping about in a
field with a massive snake on the loose.
I am too vulnerable.
He's no use anyway.
We could use him as bait.
Fucking bell ends
Oi listen Cardi
sweetheart did it not occur
to you that it might be a bit of a
fucking coincidence,
we've just acquired a boa constrictor
from Paul the burglar,
and there's a really fucking valuable
one gone missing up the way dude?
Oh yeah. No, it did.
But I am usually wrong.
Fuck. Vinnie. Vinnie. Hey Vinnie
Cardi. Cardi. Cardi
What are you laughing at?
Just stay where you are
cos you look really fucking cool.
What?
Just try and give us a smile as well.
Go on. You look well up against
that car I reckon.
Tommo. Tommo.
Stop throwing a hissy fit.
D'you know what, I have enough of
you lot.
There is no need for all that venom.
Tell you what dickhead. Go
have a look for your snake.
Go and have a look for your
little boa constrictor. What!
I hear you're a man that can
get things done.
Thwarted at the first hurdle.
There's no way we're
nicking them cars.
- Hardwick.
- I just need that touch.
You there. Young man.
The feel of a woman.
It's my posh voice, adds
a touch of class.
I just love the cars and
I want them back.
Right boys we're on, let's go.
Wine her, dine her-
Then fuck her brains out.
- You after his cars aren't you?
- No
Absolutely.
It's intense.
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