Brickleberry s03e03 Episode Script

Whoo! That was good, baby.
I bet you ain't made a face like that since your last stroke.
Don't light that.
I'm on oxygen Congratulations, Denzel.
This is your fourth sex-related injury this month.
What can I say, doc? Sleeping with old ladies is dangerous.
Whoa! Wah! Hey! Oh, shit! Ah! Hey! Ow! Help me! Hey! Ow! Ow! Ah! Teefers! Teefers! Denzel, your unnatural attraction to elderly women is a condition called gerontophilia, and it is often fatal.
Fatal? I'll kill for pussy, but I ain't gonna die for it.
Luckily, this condition can be cured by a simple outpatient procedure.
- Really? Okay, let's do it.
- Let's get you prepped.
Hey, what are you doing back ow! And now for the test.
Tammy! Gladys! Could you come in here, please? Now, Denzel, which do you prefer? Nurse? Or hearse? I now pronounce you cured, Denzel.
How do you feel? I wanna be a fireman! 3x03 - Miss National Park And not only am I cured of my lust for grannies, I'm dating Dr.
Kuzniak's hot nurse, Tammy.
- That's great, buddy.
- Yeah.
I was starting to think you were some kind of weirdo.
And that's coming from a shaved gorilla who eats potpourri.
It makes my farts smell like Christmas.
- I have big news, too.
- Cancer, cancer, cancer No.
I'm also dating someone.
Her name is TJ.
She's smoking hot.
She's athletic.
Steve, uh, you can't date the characters you create on Wii Fit.
Oh, leave Steve alone.
I think it's sweet he's got an imaginary girlfriend.
She's not imaginary.
And I'll prove it.
- Let's go on a double date.
- All right.
I'll bring Tammy.
You bring Kate made-up-ton.
Bonjour, mon co-travailleurs.
Don't you want to know why I'm speaking French? - Because you're a whore.
- No.
I'm entering the Miss national park beauty pageant.
I couldn't give two squirts of piss.
Seriously, I got a prostate the size of Melissa McCarthy's head.
First place is a round-trip ticket to anywhere in the world, and I'm going to Paris.
How can you be so sure you'll win? Please.
It's the surest bet ever.
The rest of the contestants look like - park rangers.
- Really, Ethel? Beauty pageants are stupid and sexist.
That's what people who look like park rangers always say.
"You're a dead man, fatso.
" - Oh, Connie, it's for you.
- Unh! "I'm talking about you, Woody Johnson.
" Stop breaking my [Bleep.]
window! Woody, why did that rock say you're a dead man? Oh, it's nothing.
Probably just some of the animals having fun.
Steve! Put on this mustache and go start my car.
- No! - I got you now, Johnson! God damn it.
I thought the one place I'd be safe - is a dark, dead-end alley.
- Shut the hell up! Now give me the 20 grand you owe me.
I have gotta stop betting on Quidditch.
I thought Hufflepuff was due.
You better pay up now.
Or I'm gonna take a glass rod, heat it up with a blowtorch, and stick it up your Hi, baby.
Oh, Scoodles went pee pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up straight away.
I love you more than rainbows.
Buh-bye.
- Oh! - So anyway Glass rod blowtorch and it's going straight up your Hi, plum fairy.
Oh, you want hazelnut truffles from the cheesecake factory? Well, sure thing, fluffy kitten.
- Where was I? - Glass rod? Right.
Thank you.
Glass rod! - I'm gonna - Hold on.
Give me another chance.
- A bet.
Double or nothing.
- On what? Uh, hold on.
Let me think.
It's the surest bet ever.
On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss national park beauty pageant.
Okay, you're on.
- Ah! - And when you lose I'm gonna take that aforementioned glass rod and Hey, little lamb.
Heh leave Woody Johnson alone? - Why? - Because he's a nice man.
Well, what'd she say? - Ha! You are suck penis.
- I am suck penis? - Hmm.
- You are suck big gay penis.
Shut up, God damn it.
I'm trying to concentrate.
Ah! Ha-ha! You lose! Now I make sex in your face with my penis balls.
Stop it.
I mean it! Cut it out! Tea bag termination.
I'll get you for this, you son of a bitch.
I in China.
What you gonna do, bag of douche? Woody! The cleaning lady broke another picture.
So, I guess you didn't do that, either, did you, Inez? Just like you didn't maul me in my sleep or order all this hardcore bear porn? Alouette, gentille aloutte aloutte, je te plumarai Well, hello there, prettiest ranger ever.
Which dress do you like best? Oh, see, I thought you stopped cross-dressing.
They're not for me, you stupid but perceptive lady.
They're for you.
I'm gonna help you win Miss national park.
I'm your new coach.
So now you care about the pageant? Hell yeah.
My life is on the line here.
I mean, heh, your trip to Paris.
- Which I really give a shit about.
- Cut the crap.
- What's going on? - All right, all right.
The truth is I borrowed some money from manslaughter McGill, and if you don't win that pageant, he's gonna stick a glass rod up my well, he never told me.
But there isn't any good place to stick a glass rod! I can't wait for the girls to get here.
I've never been on a double date.
my girl's hotter than yours.
- You are so on.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey there.
Where's your girl? - Right here.
This is TJ.
- No this isn't.
This is Tammy.
It's Tammy Jane.
I go by either.
- Surprise.
- What? - You know what this means, right? - Yeah.
She's a clone! Kill her! No! She's going out with both of us.
This ain't gonna fly.
You gotta choose.
Which one of us do you want? - Okay.
I'm choosing Denzel.
- Shut up, Steve.
Well, I'd rather be with you than a stupid clone.
I'm not a clone.
And I don't want to choose.
I like you both.
What do you think about - a menage a trois? - Menage a trois? What does Denzel's cousin have to do with this? Aw, don't be a dumbass, Steve.
That's some kind of chicken dish, right? Guys, what I'm proposing is a threesome.
Oh! What's that? Ethel, I can't believe you're going through with this.
- Pageants ruin people's lives.
- Why are you so anti-pageant? What do you even know about them? More than you think.
When I was younger, I was a world champion pageant queen.
Just remember, sweetie.
You're beautiful and talented, but if you lose, Jesus will kill grandma and send her to hell.
Okay, mommy.
Oh, wait.
You forgot your energy snort.
Time for the skinny bucket.
Oh, yankee doodle went to town riding on a pony But just as I hit my high note, I also hit puberty.
He stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni Did I win? I had to walk home that day.
And when I got there, my family had moved.
I never felt loved again.
I'm telling you, Ethel.
Pageants are evil.
Hmm.
Sounds like you're just jealous because you can never win one again.
I could still win if I wanted to.
Win what, a pie-eating contest? A dog show? Most bacne? Biggest shadow? World's sweatiest gunt? I'll show you.
I'm gonna enter the Miss national park pageant and beat your skinny little ass! What's going on? Connie! Don't speak to the talent.
Actually, Connie has decided to enter the pageant.
Good idea, Connie.
Ethel will look even prettier standing next to a red-headed refrigerator.
- No, I can win.
- Win what, a pie-eating contest? - I already did that one.
- Oh.
- How about sweatiest gunt? - Yep.
Goddamn Malloy.
He's selling these insults to everybody.
Forget it, man.
I ain't doing this threesome.
There ain't no way I'm getting in bed with another dude.
It's not just another dude.
You'd be in bed with me.
Shh.
Steve, my dick can hear you.
Come on, man.
It'll be fun.
- Did your dick hear that? - Steve, I'm telling you.
Two-dude threesomes are dangerous.
- What are you talking about? - I know this guy Artie, right? He was doing a two-dude threesome, and then out of nowhere Boom! Gets hit in the chest with some runaway jizz.
That's some shit you ain't coming back from.
- Man - Oh, you think that's bad? My boy Reggie? He and his brother, Tyreke, did a threesome.
Shit went wrong those two mother[bleep.]
is married now.
See? A happy ending.
Come on this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- Please? - Oh, all right.
But if we do this thing, we gonna do it right.
Time to take you to school.
Oh, I'm not allowed within 50 feet of those.
My parole officer calls them "temptation houses.
" Step, two, three, four.
Turn around and show the back door.
Now do it with your ass.
Woody, what are you doing? I'm 90 pounds.
That's right, Oprah.
We need to get you into the 80s.
Now shake that fat ass and give me sparkle fingers! You better make those fingers sparkle or I'll cut 'em off.
- Jesus Christ, Woody! - You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Here I got you a little something to help you win.
Oh, Woody - Wait, what are these numbers? - It's the judges' hotel rooms.
You're gonna get sparkle fingered by every single one of them.
Oh, where did you go, little cute Connie? - I'll never win.
- Of course you can win.
I know.
A pie-eating contest.
A whale-a-thon.
A boner-killing contest.
No.
The pageant.
And is it cool if I have that boner contest line? This is hopeless.
Nonsense.
I can help you win this thing.
On one condition.
I get the first-prize plane ticket.
My goal is to see China.
And murder a child.
Uh, why don't you just kill a Chinese kid here? Not any Chinese kid.
That Peking dick who put my tea bag humiliation video on YouTube.
You got a deal.
I don't care about the prize.
- I just want to beat Ethel.
- We have got a lot of work to do.
There is no getting around the fact that you're about as hot as a young John Goodman.
- Thank you.
- But you can take the whole thing if you nail the Q&A and talent competitions.
Those two are my specialties.
I'll be a pageant queen again.
Yay! Time to celebrate! It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas.
Whoa! Hey! Ah! Ladies, I've produced this pageant for 22 years.
Remember, you're all just sides of beef.
Smiles, everyone.
Smiles.
You don't have a chance.
You're going down.
- Yeah, on miss Grand Tetons after I win.
- That's it, Connie.
Don't let her get in your head.
You're a star.
Yeah, 'cause people go blind when they stare at her.
That sucks.
Malloy, save these crappy jokes for Aziz Ansari.
And tonight's pageant will be judged by former NBA star and father of 37 Shawn Kemp! Titty bar owner Jorge! And washed-up actress Susan Sarandon.
And now, let's meet our contestants! Oh, yeah! - Unh! - Oh, you pregnant now.
Now, this "X" is me this "X" is you and Tammy's the "O.
" Rule number one - the X's can never touch.
- Question.
How does her vagina get big enough - to fit both of our wieners? - Steve, you dumbass! We don't go in the same hole at the same time.
Stick to the game plan.
No audibles.
No changing the play.
When can I talk dirty? Girls love this one - Your vagina looks extra moist.
- Steve! Next up, we have Ethel Anderson.
Ethel is five-foot-six and weighs 95 pounds.
She loves eating and vomiting, and her hobbies include: Drunken hook-ups, walks of shame, and late-term abortions.
Sorry, I just wrote down everything I knew about you.
And finally Connie Cunaman.
Connie is 12 hands high with good gums and apparently has broken our scale.
Connie! Where's your bikini bottom? It's right here.
My camel toe's eating it.
See? I got this love doll to help us practice.
Now show me your moves.
What is that noise? Is your ass queefing? My butthole makes sounds when it's relaxed.
Clench that bitch! Now what we about to do is a dangerous dance.
When I go left, you go right.
When I go up, you go down.
When I'm in the mouth, you go South.
When I go pink, you go stink.
Ready? One two Ah! I won! Steve, don't tell me you nutted.
Our first question for Ethel will come from ex-NBA star and father of 37, Shawn Kemp.
- I like them titties.
- That's not actually a question.
- I like them titties? - Still not a question.
- You just went up at the end.
- I'll ask the question.
Ethel, what do you think is the most pressing issue facing young women today? - I'd like to quote Sheryl Sandberg - Thank you.
Connie, same question.
God bless the troops.
And puppies! Ethel, get your shit together or that pussy-whipped gangster's gonna kill me.
Snow angel! Crab walk! Spin cycle! Go for the "O!" - Eiffel tower! - I think I'm ready.
- I didn't mess up once.
- You are ready.
And if you can keep your focus here, you can do it anywhere.
I don't know where I don't know when but I know something's about to begin look and you'll know some day I'll go inside your world Beat that, bitch.
Next up, Ethel Anderson.
Yes! Now it's in the bag.
Where Connie's face belongs.
Eh? Malloy, I'm writing all my own shit now! Wrong again, Woodrow.
I'm making some changes.
This beauty pageant's about to get ugly.
Oh, yeah? Who died and made you producer? The producer.
Cleaning lady did it.
Yeah, I guess she's still pissed at me 'cause I made her clean the toilet while I was still on it.
Hi, guys.
Oh, don't mind him.
When he gets nervous he giggles.
Don't be nervous.
We just need to loosen up.
I know I could use a cock tail.
To a fun night.
What happened? Where are we? Holy shit! This bitch crazy! - Tammy? - Tammy's gone.
I am Lady Ballcrusher, mistress of pain! You two are now my slaves! Wh-why are you doing this? It turns me on to dominate stupid men.
- I'm not a stupid men.
- Shut up! Now get on your hands and knees and act like the dogs you are! Mm.
Mm.
Steve, just 'cause she told us to be dogs don't mean you have to sniff my ass.
She told us what now? Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! To the final event of the Miss national park beauty pageant! Cue the cage.
A steel cage death match! Last contestant standing will be Miss national park! - What the hell, Malloy? - Wait a minute.
Your girl against that orange bigfoot? Well, I might as well take the glass rod and shove it up your fingle-fangle right now! - My what? - Oh, shit.
Missed a call from the wife.
She's gonna be pissed.
- I gotta run.
- Wait! What's a fingle-fangle? Cue the weapons.
Let the Hunger Games begin! Now this is what I call a pageant.
- Woof! Woof! - Mm.
- Arf! Arf! - Mm.
Mm.
Mmm.
How much longer do we have to do this? - Shut up, Fido! - Uh, I thought I was Fido.
- Ah! - Time for your kibble.
Be right back.
- Man, I've had enough of this shit.
- Eyes on the prize, Denzel.
It shouldn't be long till we have our threesome.
- And she is so hot.
- Who the [Bleep.]
are you? I'm Fido.
He's Sparky.
Are you two screwing my wife? - That's why we're here.
- Steve! Oh, sorry.
Rat's rhy re're rere! - I'll kill you bastards! - Ruh-roh.
Oh, you're not killing anyone.
What's going on, Tammy? Are you cheating on me? Shut up! These guys are here for a threesome.
- And they're gonna have it! - Yes! - With you.
- W-W-W-What? - With me? - Yes.
Now stop delaying and start three-waying.
Okay, sweetie.
Anything for you.
- No! Don't listen to her! - Sorry, guys.
In a marriage, you've got to choose your battles.
- Then choose this one! - Ooh! I got your text, Tammy.
Everything okay? - Shut up and get in there! - Okay.
You know, this isn't even the weirdest thing I've done today.
This is my octagon, bitch.
Oh, shit.
- So who can't win a pageant anymore? - Connie! Mommy? What are you doing here? I thought seeing you in a pageant - might make me love you again.
- And? Still not feeling it.
Go ahead.
Pull the trigger.
You'd be doing me a favor.
Nobody loves me and nobody ever will.
No.
You were right, Connie.
Beauty pageants do destroy people's lives.
And all because we place winning above everything.
Well, I say that ends now.
Tonight, we are co-champions! Aw, that's sweet, Ethel.
But guess what? There's no such thing as co-champions! Ah! - I'm Miss national park! - And I'm screwed.
And I'm going to China.
Don't have your funeral till I get back.
I want to miss it intentionally.
There she is! Miss national park! Is Chang here? - Hello, Chang.
- Malloy.
How you get here? I took a "prane.
" But that doesn't matter.
I am here to destroy you in person.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea it was gonna be this easy.
You sure about this? I didn't think that threesome went that bad.
Oh, shut the hell up, Steve.
Young pussy's too much trouble.
Knock me back into liking old bitches.
Okay, buddy.
If that's what you want.
Ow! Excuse me, Sonny.
We need some help.
- Well, hello there, sexy.
- Hello, yourself.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to that hot piece of ass right there.
Oops.
I think I hit him too hard.
What kind of park is this? Oh, shit! What's wrong, McGill? You just don't seem into it.
Just a little trouble with the wife.
Well, I'm not a licensed therapist, but there's something that's worked with my wives in the past.
- Even? - Even.
Spin cycle!