Broad City (2014) s03e03 Episode Script

1 And we're going forward.
Two, three, four.
And let's reverse it.
Two, three, four, that's great.
Whoa, are we DJs right now? What are we doing? I don't know.
(imitating record scratching) - This is hard, right? - This is hard.
Let's take it from a ten to a three.
Uh-oh, I'm a bird.
Flying to Florida, woo! - Flying to Florida.
- Squints! (Abbi) Squints! Everybody, out of the pool! (old woman 1) Come on! You can make it! You can do it! (old woman 2) Breathe, breathe! - (old woman 1) Come on, breathe, breathe.
- (old woman 2) Come on! Oh, he's lying, Abbi.
(old woman 2) He's a dirty liar.
Squints, are you (bleep) kidding me? Dude, you did this three weeks ago.
One more time and I am leaving you in the pool to die.
Damn it.
I'll save you, Squints, that's the reason I tattled on you.
(old woman 2 chuckling) Okay, guys.
Class dismissed.
I'll see you on Thursday, though, right? Great, it was a great class, guys.
Everyone except Squints, that was great.
Abbi? Listen.
I know how to do it without popping your cherry.
Come on.
Your husband will never suspect on your wedding night.
You know that I know your granddaughter.
I'm texting her right now.
Elder abuse! Elder abuse! (Squints) Elder abuse! Four and three and two and one-one She shoots, she scores! Ooh! Sorry.
Sorry.
(Todd) Ilana.
Herr Terrd.
What are you doing here? Literally nothing! I'm doing stuff, I'm working.
No, I e-mailed you last night in a very large, bold font, saying not to come in today.
Did you e-mail IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.
com? I refuse to use that e-mail address, you know that.
I'm legal, Todd.
Look, there's an investor coming today.
This is very important.
- We need the second round of funding - Dude, this means money.
Because I have a bazillion app ideas that some crusty old white douche would jizz his little pantsuit for.
Dis good.
- Dis real good.
- Go home.
- You're wearing a dog hoodie.
- Chill, Miss Thang.
This isn't a dog hoodie.
It's from the dog owner's section of American Apparel It has ear holes for dog ears.
Why would they do that in a hood? A hood is to cover a head.
Is there a pocket on the back? There is.
Also has a leash hole.
Not the first time this has happened to me.
Three other times.
I'm gonna fix this and we are both gonna be billionaires.
No.
Chamillionaires.
Bow, bow, na-now-now That's us.
(Trey) Ab-bay.
- You smell like chlorine, I love it.
- Oh, thanks Trey.
You know, before you were a trainer, everybody goofed on me so hard for decorating my locker.
Yeah, I need to.
It's like, I need to curate my space and, it's like, a vision board, you You know what I mean? Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.
That's why I have to do it.
Exactly, you know? It's so boring not to decorate.
I just want to get in here, Axe my body from head to toe and then - Zen out.
- Zen out.
- Jinx! - (delayed) Jinx! I was gonna say jinx.
Oh.
We're buds.
Zen out jinx! Oh, Abbi.
I love you.
I I love you - You do too? - Yeah.
You're my little cupcake.
My supplements.
All hands on deck.
Ab.
You know, there's a private changing room around the corner, if you'd be more comfortable.
No, I'm totally at ease.
Cool.
- Where is it? - It's just by the shower.
I might check it out, just to, like, see what Spacially Yeah, sorry.
Fixed it.
Nic, fierce shoulder pads.
Date night? No, the investor's coming.
Todd just told you.
Woof, baby brain.
Are you pregnant? No, are you? No.
Tu lo que quiere que te coma el tigre Que te coma el tigre que te coma el tigre Tu lo que quiere que te coma el tigre Que te coma el tigre que te coma el tigre Su lo que quiere que te coma el tigre Que te coma el tigre que te coma el tigre Fuh-law-less bish! Ilana, this is our investor, Elizabeth Carlton.
That is the freshest blazer.
- Ilana.
- Pleasure to - Hi.
- This is Ilana Wexler and Nicole Klorn.
They're two of our New York saleswomen.
Salespeople, I'm sorry.
Hello, Mrs.
Carlton.
- Miss Carlton.
- Yes! But you can call me Elizabeth.
This will foster a sense of equality.
And you can call me Ilana.
This will foster a sense of, um You knowing my name.
TJ Maxx.
70% off.
Maxxinista! Ay, Chihuahua! I don't know if I want to be her or be in here.
Ooh, I just got a chill.
Can you rub my back, real fast and hard? Real fast and hard.
(trainers, chanting) Soulstice games! Soulstice games day! Soulstice games! It's the Soulstice games day! Woo! That's today? Oh, yeah, your first Soulstice games.
Wow.
I remember my first time.
I was 23 and I had just found out I was allergic to cashews.
Cool, uh I don't think that I should participate.
Oh, no, you'll be great, you'll fit right in.
No, um I get I get a little intense about competition.
In high school, people used to call me Tonya Harding.
Don't worry about it.
It's not about who wins and loses, you know? It's just about team building.
There's no "I" in "Soulstice.
" - But there's - Well, yes, there is, yes.
I've actually been trying to get them to change it to a "Y" for a long time.
Anyway, you're gonna have fun.
Plus, it's mandatory.
All right, weigh-in starts in ten, you guys, so you still got time to shave your pubes if you need to lose that last L-B.
There's where the (bleep) pubes come from.
It's a crowded market out there.
Groupon, LifeBooker, Yippit, JewDeal, GroupSwoop.
What makes Deals, Deals, Deals different, hmm? Exactly.
Nothing.
We have to rise above the fray.
Reach out to new customers.
Now, who's in charge of social media? Our company hasn't tweeted in six days.
What's worse, it's just a link.
No voice, no copy.
Who's gonna click on it, let alone share it? - What do you click on? - (whispering) I'm sorry.
What's viral to you? You, Maxxinista.
What would I click on? Well, I love me some Salad Fingers.
Explain.
It's this guy with romaine lettuce for fingers, and he rubs up all on this spoon like (imitating squeaking sound) Salad fingers.
It's, uh, early Randomcore.
I mean, everything on eBaum's World.
"End of Ze World"? No? The Aicha kid? That white kid, skinny, crispy gelled hair and he does the whole choreographed dance with the bean bag? Aicha Aicha Passin' me by No? Dudes, what grade are How old are you guys? (answering at same time) 35 in May.
I have no idea what you're saying.
And I love it.
What do you do here? Total transparency, I spent most of the day coloring in my tummy.
Todd, you are clearly underutilizing someone who's got their Salad Fingers on the pulse.
Maxxinista, you're running our Twitter account.
And you are gonna get this company some attention.
Miss Hot Lady, you got it! You got this, you're cool.
Be cool.
Just be (bleep) cool, man.
(Trey) All right, guys, five minutes 'til we start.
Keep those muscles warm, all right? Love you guys.
You think you're doing a V-snap? Well, I'll lap your V-snap.
Master your V-snap.
(cell phone vibrating) God What? I mean Hey, dude, how are you? Is it okay if I tweet one of your "before" wax pics? Which one? Neck? Fine, just Just blur my face, okay? Listen, I gotta go.
(Trey) Four-minute warning.
(Ilana) Where are you right now? Are you at a day nightclub? No, I'm I'm just hanging loose.
Just running errands.
How dare you lie to your wife? I hear your teeth grinding through the phone.
You're at a competitive event, aren't you? Let's just hold on and just listen to me.
I need you to just hear me out and just listen to me, because Ab-bi! August 4th.
2002.
Camp Kweebec.
Red Rover.
I remember, Ilana.
I remember the whole thing.
I remember everyone being so (bleep) jealous, 'cause I beat them so (bleep) hard.
All right, I'm coming there as soon as I can.
- Where are you? - Fine, you better (bleep) come! I'm at the park where that dude sold my other sandal.
Jesus.
God! Good energy right there.
All right? I shit I shit I shit So, so many good options for lunch.
I actually spearheaded the menu binder project.
I'm on a cleanse.
Speaking of which, excuse me.
(whispering) Ilana! Bathroom! Do something! I shit I shit I shit (Todd) Sorry, uh, sorry about that.
I I just wanted to show you the bathroom, myself, personally.
Thanks, I'm familiar.
Also, if you need sanitary napkins or similar products, we give those away free here.
I I understand.
M-My mom spotted well into her 60s.
Thanks, Todd.
(toilet flushing) (Elizabeth) I shit I shit I shit Come on! Come on, Trey, let's do this! Let's go! (whistle blowing) Wow! Wow, wow! - Nice, good game.
- There are no losers! (wincing) Slow down, Abbi! Speed up, Claz, come on! (whistle blowing) Red team wins! You kidding me right now? We had that.
That is a bullshit call.
See you in the (bleep) parking lot.
- Everything okay? - This is how we play.
We know each other and we go way back.
All right? (Trey) Okay.
Next event, right? (whistle blowing) Come on, Claz, come on! - (man) Pull it! - C'mon, Claz, come on! (whistle blowing) (Abbi cheering) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Red team, you guys come and eat my ass one at a (bleep) time.
Unh! Line up, come on.
I'm selling tickets.
What What's going on? No I'm I was kidding, I was totally kidding around.
You guys were great.
I bike I bike I bike Yeah I lock I lock Oh, my God.
Yes.
"Soloplay, bb's 50% off vibrators at Vibeland.
" (phone alerts) 69 notifications? Fist! I tweet I tweet I tweet (whistle blowing) Yes! Yes! What now, Tomas, huh? Who's the hot commodity now, huh? It's me, yes! - Tomas! - Okay.
Yankee Candle store, vanilla bean.
BB&B, right when it opens.
8:00 a.
m.
, you and the employees.
Oh, man, I love that.
(whispering) Okay.
(sighing) Oh, (bleep).
(exhaling) Dude, I feel crazy.
God, I have to half-nelson you like you're a dog? - You half-nelson dogs? - Don't make this about me.
You are all-caps Abbi right now.
I need you to be case sensitive.
- Everybody's weirded out.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna sit out.
- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna sit out for the rest.
- Chillin'.
- Okay.
Thanks, dude, I really appreciate it.
- All right, just breathe deep.
Okay.
(air horn blaring) Okay, guys, we're all tied up.
It comes down to the pugil-stick event.
Stef verse Gemma.
Fair fight.
Come on.
- No, no, Trey, hold up.
- No, no, no.
Not today.
Sorry, Stef.
This is between me and you.
Thanks so much Not! I am gonna knock your big swangin' titties into next Tuesday.
Oh, my God, okay, wait, wait, wait.
I want to do one, I want to do one, okay, okay, okay.
I'm gonna wipe the floor with you, but it looks like you already did that, cleaner! No, I'm kidding, you guys, I'm kidding, come on! I'm Kidding! (Ilana) Abbi, no! (grunting) Thank God.
Nothing's broken.
All right, no need to press charges, guys, okay? Finish this now.
God, I thought I could handle it, dude.
But I guess all-caps Abbi is just still up in me.
(clearing throat) Oh! Gemma Abbi.
I am so sorry - Great Soulstice games today.
- Thank you.
You are stronger than you look.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
Hey.
Cool shirt.
- Can I talk to you for a sec, Ab? - Yeah, Trey, listen, - I can explain what just happened.
- No, no, no.
I was gonna say, this happens to every new trainer.
You don't have to do steroids to be cool.
- You know? - Okay.
- I - Because you're already cool.
Oh.
But if you are gonna do steroids, I would suggest starting with a half-dose of anabolic the first couple weeks.
It does make your balls shrivel, but in your case, it's gonna make your boobs rock hard, which is a bless.
Just a tip.
- Okay.
All right.
- Love you, buddy.
- Ilana.
- Hey.
Too slow.
Good to see you, though.
That's funny, dude.
Like, even though I I hate any form of aggression, especially yours, all-caps Abbi fits in at Soulstice.
We are very upwardly mobile right now, gotta say, very Jay and Bey.
Speaking of which, I haven't tweeted in twelve twinutes.
- What am I gonna tweet about? - Interesting vocab.
What should I tweet about? Oh, my God.
Of course, a horse! This tweet will be my Ms.
'Olland's Opus.
I'm gonna sprint home right now.
- To Queens? - Yeah, you want to race me? I'm not going to Queens Woof Deals, Deals, Deals (message sent sound) I'm doing you right.
(morbid crying) You okay? Let's go.
I've never seen Todd so aggressive.
Therapy.
Ilana, you're fired.
What? I just got promoted.
You tweeted an extremely graphic bestiality video.
Todd, it's "Mr.
Hands.
" It's a staple of early digital culture.
- Talk about viral.
Google it.
- I don't have to! You tweeted it from the company Twitter account.
It's a PR nightmare.
You're welcome.
Now we have a PR nightmare.
It's cool.
It was a guy (bleep) a horse.
Yeah, and it's a deal for colonics.
It's brilliant! I was just doing my job really well.
And if you did your homework, Todd, you would know that the horse was (bleep) the guy.
It's chill! I need you to get your things and leave the office.
- We can work this out.
- I have been covering for you for far too long.
- I have put my blood, sweat - You make all the other employees uncomfortable.
- And farts into this company.
- Uncomfortable does not begin to describe - how you make the others - I am heading the corporate morale department.
- The amount of money you cost us in paper alone - And thanks to me, - I'm hardly making any commission, - makes it worth letting you go.
- which saves the company money.
- Ilana, Ilana, Ilana.
I need you to leave.
I should stay.
- I need you to leave.
- I should stay.
I am strong, and you are fired.
This is just the white man holding on to the last nugget of his power.
You white dudes are figuring out that the jig is (bleep) up! I'm gonna go talk to Mom! Oh, you are absolutely fired, effective immediately.
You're right, it's time to change.
And I figured it out.
I want to be in you.
You need to leave.
Yeah, I ahem Yep.
This is it, guys.
The last hurrah.
I'm really gonna miss this place.
I'm gonna miss each of you.
You're like family.
I'm gonna miss you white guy number seven.
You make Jews look good.
You're hot.
Goodbye, white guy number three.
Love the man bun.
You started the trend.
And goodbye, Adult Braces.
I got those off seven months ago.
Would you rather I go back to "Only Black Guy"? Adult Braces is fine.
And you.
We are all proud of you, new girl.
I hired you.
Mmm.
And you.
Nicoletta, my princess.
My diamond.
My Princess Di! You are the reason I come to work every other day.
You're the hardest one to say goodbye to.
Don't cry, don't cry.
Ow! Goodbyes are hard, but this is not goodbye for you and me.
We will be together again.
I am gonna crack that nut.
I think that's just about enough.
One last thing.
I'm leaving him here because I really do believe in corporate morale.
(loud blowing) - You're sure? - Yes.
(gospel music begins) Joyful joyful Lord We adore thee God of glory Lord of love Joyful joyful Lord We adore thee God of glory, Lord of love Hearts unfold like flowers before thee Hail Thee as the sun above By the way What have you done for Him lately? Ooh ooh ooh yes Joyful joyful Lord we adore thee God of glory god of love Fill us Fill us with the light of day Lord, fill us Fill us Oh we need you yes we do now fill us Fill us With the light of day, Lord Fill us With the light of day, Lord Fill us With the light of day, Lord Fill us With the light of day, Lord Fill us With the light of day, Lord Fill us Fill us with the light of day (Todd, echoed) Nicole! Light of day Nicole! I need you to absorb Ilana's deal.
(phone chime) Day 511 It ends.
I'm free.
You know what? I'm gonna unfollow Deals, Deals, Deals.
- Pssh, you should.
- Oh, my God.
Look what they tweeted.
"We sincerely apologize for our last tweet.
"It was posted by a former employee who suffers from mental health issues.
" We all do.
"We hope she's getting the help she needs.
" - I'm with you, so I am.
- Okay.
"We do not promote bestiality, but we still promote colonics.
" The horse was (bleep) the guy.
It's honestly not that bad.
It's not as bad as if a human was (bleep) the animal.
That's all.
That's all.
I I think everyone agrees, on that.
- Right? - Awesome.
But (bleep) them, dude.
- You don't need them.
- That's what I say, I don't.
That was the worst job in the world, don't even worry about it.
I know, (bleep) them.
Let's just forget all our flaws, 'cause today was a total fluke.
Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like, my hunger for competition, but it's like It's online, so, like, I can't Red Rover's online? Ow, Ilana.
Show me now! (sighing) Whoa Woo! Red Rover, Red Rover, send Abbi right over! Ahh! Let go! Come on, let me through! Oh, she's biting me! - Abbi, Abbi! - Arms up! Breathe, breathe Shh - (man 2) Jesus, Abbi.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - I'm fine.
I'm gonna let you go now.
- (man 2) She's going! - She's heading for the woods! She's a climber! - Abbi.
- Abbi! Come on! Abbi, you're not in trouble, ok? - Abbi! - Abbi! Where is she? Ah!