Brockmire (2017) s03e03 Episode Script
The Yips
1 [TIN PAN ALLEY'S "TAKE ME OU TO THE BALL GAME".]
"Baseball's a tough racket.
"A few bad weeks and it's back "to the coal mines for you, pal.
The pressure never lets up.
" Duke Yipkowski.
Boy, he was a kind man.
His nickname was, uh, the Princely Pollock.
When Ty Cobb went up in the stands and tried to stomp a handicapped guy to death, Yip was the only one who did anything about it.
He went right up there and said, "Hey, knock it off.
" Connie Mack said it best.
"Yip was a damn fine second baseman until the day he wasn't.
" "The first one, I gripped the ball funny "and it carried on me.
"The second one, I was trying to beat "a fast runner and overthrew.
"" On the third, I took my time and really aimed it.
And that's when I forgot how to throw altogether.
" The remarkable thing was that he could make all the other throws: home, second, third.
But not the simplest one.
To first.
"-" When the ball's hit to me, the whole crowd takes a breath saving up their air to laugh.
" After committing 22 errors in ten games, the Senators released him.
Two years later, Yip's dead.
Some say having the game taken from him drove him insane.
I would argue it was the syphilis.
And he was not the only player from the Deadball Era to die of a sexually transmitted disease.
Hugh "The Human Pooper Scooper" Hooper was deeply committed to the scat lifestyle.
He used to like to pay prostitutes to squat - over a glass coffee table - You know what, Jim? I actually think we're good.
I have a little more.
[FRANCIS SCOTT KEY'S "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Why can't Gabby just give the count? 'Cause the play-by-play man tells the story of the game.
And the heartbeat of the game is the count.
How many balls, how many strikes.
Every pitch changes the at-bat.
Every at-bat changes the inning.
Every inning changes the game.
Whether the story I'm telling is triumph or tragedy can come down to whether the count is 1 and O or 1 and O.
You just said "one and O" twice.
[GROANS.]
But, hey, you came to a meeting this morning.
And that's a good sign.
So just give yourself a little time.
No.
I don't have time, Shirley.
The yips are like a missing child.
The first 48 hours are everything.
You don't solve it by then, you might as well start checking dumpsters in ever expanding concentric circles for what's left of my career.
Damn it, I thought getting sober was supposed to solve my problems, not invent new ones.
Sobriety just reveals the problems you've been avoiding - with drugs and alcohol.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause I got, like, 40 years of problems stacked up here.
I can barely get through five seasons - of "Friday Night Lights.
" - Oh, you should.
It's really good.
Yeah, well, after I watch "Breaking Bad.
" You haven't seen "Breaking Bad"? Oh, don't binge shame me, Shirley.
I'm barely hanging on here.
Now, Simmons struggled last year, but he spent the off season working with a batting coach - on his swing plane.
- Did he? Oh, good thing, too, because that swing was harder to watch than a high school production of "Equus.
" Fastball misses outside, one ball to none.
Not none no no tracks.
Strike.
Sorry, folks.
Counts one and one one one thing about baseball, it's a sport that we're all watching right now together.
Just missed a pitch as I said that.
It was inside, so we add that to the previous ball and we get a count of I wanna say "Mork & Mindy.
" [QUIRKY BANJO MUSIC.]
"Mork & Mindy"? Well, I think that went pretty well after I stopped trying to give the count.
Kind of a fun change of pace for the audience, not to know what the balls and strikes were.
Add a little, uh, sense of mystery to the proceedings.
Yeah, like, "What is happening?" And, "Did that man just say the numbers tor and nevin?" That was a great deal more blunt than it needed to be, wasn't it? How about you, Gus? Any notes? I got one or twore.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm just kidding.
We're getting fired.
Jim, you know, I've seen this happen before.
The catcher on my college team got the yips.
She suddenly just couldn't throw back to the pitcher.
Just the simplest soft toss became impossible for her.
Yeah, we were all scared it was gonna last forever.
- But it didn't.
- So, what'd the coach do? Did he move her to first base? DH? What? No, she k she killed herself.
Yeah, the floor was just littered with pills.
The cops theorized she was trying to, like, throw them in her mouth and she just kept missing over and over.
So she eventually shot herself.
On the fifth try.
Why would you tell me that? To let you know this is serious.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm trying to Okay, you know what the good news is? Spring training game on the radio.
I doubt very highly that anybody was listening to it.
Right? I heard that entire game.
Wow.
It was just an endless parade of suffering with no one offering any help.
[LAUGHS.]
It was like the Flint, Michigan, of broadcasts.
How about laying off of me, huh? I thought being sick was supposed to give - a person perspective.
- Oh, it does.
I had a bird's eye view to you eating shit down there.
Gabby, on the other hand, did a fine job.
I'm gonna have her do color on tomorrow's TV broadcast.
- Uh-huh.
- Because I'm gonna take her spot in your booth so I can have a ringside seat to your self-immolation.
You know, this eighth grade bully bluster of yours might play with the little piss-ants who flit around you.
Don't hold much truck with me, Sonny Jim.
See, I remember when you were just a utility player whose main utility was grounding out to the shortstop.
Didn't impress me then.
You don't impress me now, you jumped up, - dim-witted shit heel.
- Okay, who the hell do you think you are, talking to me like that - in my ball park? - Oh, unbunch your panties.
That was me holding back.
Keep it up.
Happy to give it to you both barrels.
I'll tell you what, Brockmire.
Your ass better be ready for tomorrow.
I will put you on the spot until anybody with a radio and ears, knows you can't do the count.
Get ready for your next public humiliation.
Hey, I was born ready for humiliation.
My mother gave birth to me at a Dress Barn.
Outlet store.
On her break.
And after, they had her mop up our mess.
So suck my balls! I don't understand, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, to better myself.
I've been I've been collecting these chips for a year now.
When do I get to cash them in for a better life? AA is not Chuck E.
Cheese.
Yeah, I know.
It's worse.
And Chuck E.
Cheese is a parody of a nightmare.
Look, my career's gonna be over in 24 hours, okay? For real, I need you to just sponsor the shit out of me right now, Shirley.
So, uh, help me understand what happens with these yips.
[SIGHS.]
It's like all of a sudden there's a stadium filled with people inside my head, and they're all telling me what to do, but they're all saying different things.
And they're screaming all of this at the top of their lungs.
Also, they all happen to be me, so they're doing it in a in a really compelling way.
Yeah, as always, your narcissism astounds.
Oh, thank you.
But these anxieties you're describing, they're very normal for this stage of sobriety.
The fog has lifted from your brain and now, all these competing thoughts are trying to assert themselves over your mind and your life.
You need to rework step three.
Admit you're powerless and that there's a higher power in control.
I know.
Well, I didn't do that step.
I don't understand.
Well, I'm an atheist, Shirley.
You know, I reject the story of some sky daddy whose approval I'm supposed to beg for.
I skipped all the steps that had God in 'em.
- Well, but that's most of the steps.
- I know.
That's why I was able to blow through the program in record time.
Because you didn't actually work the program.
See, AA only works if you work it.
Jim, your yips are directly related to this issue.
You're white-knuckling it and you're trying to control your life, and your sobriety.
And you can't.
So you need to find a higher power that works for you or you're not gonna be able to fix it.
Okay, so all I have to do is find God in the next 24 hours.
Is that what you're telling me? Oh, well, that should be a snap, thank you.
I mean, I don't even know where to start.
You could start here.
At a Catholic church? Real life Slytherin? No.
No, thank you.
At least with Mormons you get magic underwear and your own planet.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Oh, um, so, you don't you don't call ahead? Oh, never.
No.
Can't send me to voicemail if I'm standing on your doorstep.
No, um, I was wondering, are you headed to church this morning by any chance? I am.
I wonder if I might come with you? Okay, let's do this.
Uh, so this is Jim Brockmire.
Oh, hi.
What a pleasure.
Did she tell you? I'm one of those straight men, who prefers the company of lesbians.
- No what? - No.
- You know, like a like a - No, no, no.
Remember, I told you, that's not a thing.
Well, we're making it a thing.
This is how things become things, Gabby.
Uh, he wants to come to church with us.
I think I'll catch a later service.
Okay, well, just out of curiosity, is it because of your preconceived notions about me or the fact that I referenced your sexuality - on our first interaction? - Both.
- That's fair enough.
- Yeah.
Solid.
[CHURCH BELLS RINGING.]
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
- What's wrong? - Aren't we at least going to a black church? I mean, I knew today was gonna be a total write-off, but I was at least looking forward to some great music and some pretty impressive hats.
I mean, that's nothing but a bunch of lame-ass white people.
You're lame-ass white people.
I know, and I think it's pretty obvious that I hate myself.
This isn't my regular church, all right? I don't live here, either, remember? But it's Episcopalian, it's, like, ten minutes from my house, and I think I saw a pride flag inside once.
Or maybe it was just a rainbow.
I don't know.
I'm doing what I can.
It's Florida.
All right, let's just let's just do this thing.
All right, but before we go in, you have to promise me promise me that you're not gonna embarrass me.
Of course I promise you.
Look, I appreciate you bringing me.
I know how important it is to you, I don't take it lightly.
Last thing in the world I wanna do is embarrass you.
Would you mind closing the door? Of course, Pastor.
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[SHOUTING INTENSIFIES.]
Why did you bring up the holocaust? Well, the priest is the one who brought up a benevolent God.
I thought that called for a rebuttal witness.
No, you called Jesus the Mayor of Auschwitz.
Well, I don't wanna work with some thin-skinned God who can't handle a little criticism.
Now, if He's all-powerful, why doesn't he grow Himself a pair of balls? Boy, I apologize again for my behavior back there.
Right now trying to control my emotions is a little bit like trying to leash train a feral dog who has a taste for blood and trash.
People are gonna get bit and tampons are gonna get eaten.
It's a it's a process.
Jim, feral dogs get put down.
You know, maybe you should stop apologizing for doing shitty things and just stop doing shitty things.
Well, maybe I should.
Thank you for being such a straight shooter, there.
And thank you for bringing me here.
This is uh, boy, this is lovely.
Yeah, I forgot how nice it is.
Maybe Gayle and I will bring our kid here one day.
Oh, yeah, is that, uh, a thing that'll be happening soon? Yeah, I think, um I hope very soon.
Well, I think you're going to be an amazing mother.
- Ah.
- No, you're one of the finest people it's ever been my pleasure to know.
I mean that.
That's why I'm a little bit surprised that you believe in an all-powerful God who still had to supplement His income as a carpenter.
Doesn't make sense.
You know, there was this moment right before my first College World Series game.
I was stressed, nervous.
So I got down, just said a quick prayer for strength, and when I stepped out onto the field, immediately this calm came over me.
I felt connected to everything, to the crowd, my teammates, to the bat in my hand.
When that first pitch came, I knew it was going over the fence.
Knew it as it left the pitcher's hand.
In that moment, I was sure I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
I don't know.
If that's not a higher power, I don't know what is.
Hmm.
You know, that's the first time that anyone has ever explained God to me in a way that actually made sense.
So, thank you.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Now do the holocaust.
- No.
- Do it.
- No.
- Please? Oh, Jim, I heard that Matt The Bat's coming in to end your career today.
- Where'd you hear that? - He's telling everybody.
I heard it from the bat boy.
- Little Joaquin? - Yeah.
With the dimples and the bowl haircut? - He's so sweet.
- I know.
Joaquin said that Matt's gonna, uh to ear hole you with his monster cock.
His English has gotten really good.
Yeah, we're getting fired.
So I'm going to the hotel.
I'm gonna finish packing.
Boy, you really know how to harsh a guy's post-picnic high, you know that? All right, Sky Daddy, let's do this thing.
Oh, boy.
God, I haven't been in this position since I was looking for Sandy Duncan's glass eye on a bathroom floor.
She wouldn't have sex with me unless we found it.
Which we never did.
Had to settle for a bunch of mouth stuff.
But this is probably not a great prayer.
Okay, I don't see any way out of this stupid thing, and I was hoping that you could show me.
Please.
I'll wait.
[SIGHS.]
Still waiting.
Oh, my God.
I feel something.
Oh, it's like a pressure deep down inside of me.
Oh, shit.
I just have to pee.
[GROANS.]
Jim Brockmire just dominating this urinal ice.
So the rumors are true.
You really do talk to yourself.
Yeah, but I don't talk to strange men on the toilet.
You're born alone.
You die alone.
You should shit alone.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
I was just taking a piss.
I always use the stall when I'm in public, otherwise everybody tries to get a peek at the big show.
Which I guess makes me a bigger attraction than you in the booth and in the John.
Man, what is your problem? You know what? Never mind.
- Not worth it.
- No, no, no.
Don't hold back.
Lay into me with both barrels.
All right, fine.
I'm gonna carve through you like ice at a urinal.
So open wide, motherfuck.
'Cause here comes my mind piss.
You are [VOMITING.]
Uh, all right.
Well, we We can do this later.
[VOMITING.]
Or maybe not at all.
I'll I'll see you in the booth.
No, no.
- Say what you were gonna say.
- No.
Anybody vomiting from chemo gets a pass from me.
Oh, well, I stopped chemo two weeks ago.
Well, what does that mean? No, don't pretend to care.
Don't treat me differently because I'm sick.
That that's more insulting than anything you could possibly say to me.
What now, you don't know what I was gonna say.
I need you to be honest with me.
My friends and fans, doctors, my wife, none of them are honest.
Nobody kicks cancer's ass.
Cancer either almost kills you or it kills you.
And it's killing me, and none of them will admit it.
So, please, do me the goddamn courtesy of some honesty.
Okeydokey.
[VOMITS.]
Do it! [COUGHS.]
- Now! - Okay.
You're a black-hearted piece of shit who's done more coke than Stevie Nicks and David Crosby combined.
All true.
Continue.
[VOMITS.]
Oh, boy.
The four luckiest [VOMITS.]
The four luckiest women in the world are the ones who managed to heave your aggressively sinewy body off of them long enough to divorce you, taking with them the only part of you they ever actually loved, which was your money.
All right? But that you know what? That's blood.
So, you know what? We're gonna get you to the hospital.
Don't worry.
Once you feel better, I'll tell you all about the time - I fucked your sister.
- Which one? I gotta give you some reason to get better, now don't I? Now now, come on.
Gus, I need you to call an ambulance.
Yeah, okay.
Now, please, Assy Joe.
[WHISTLING.]
- Wow.
- What? - That was intense.
- Oh, yeah, man.
You mean, like, to witness the frailties of the human body like that? To see the mortal coil laid bare before us.
It was devastating.
I mean, thank God the man is okay or, uh, I do not think that I could continue.
Jim, I don't think I've ever seen you happier.
Now, come on, Gu I just I'm excited to have my solo booth back.
That's all.
I don't know what you're so excited about.
You still got the yips.
Plus you're solo at the mics, and now you got nobody to help you with the count.
That's great producing, Gus.
Really, thanks a lot.
Great.
Great pep talk.
[BLUESY GUITAR MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
You can do it, you can do it.
Hello, baseball fans.
Jim Brockmire with you today flying solo through the friendly Florida skies, so put your tray tables up and fasten your seatbelts because you are in the center seat.
I am in both the aisle and the window, and I am feeling chatty.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just about ready for the first pitch here this afternoon.
Sitko making his spring debut on the mound, looking to bounce back from, well, a pretty disastrous season last year where he had about as much control as an Amish kid during the Rumspringa at Burning Man.
And déjà vu all over again.
He begins this year much like he ended the last, with a fast ball way outside for a ball one and O.
One ball and O strikes, which is the count as it currently exists.
Sitko misses outside again.
Time, two and O.
Two balls and no strikes.
Folks, we got ourselves a ball game here this afternoon.
Munich red hot thus far this spring.
Eight for 13.
No walks, no strike outs.
Definitely looking to make contact.
That broadcast was fantastic.
I just got off the phone with the owners.
They loved that two-inning riff on Bob Fosse's "Cabaret" and the way that you seamlessly dovetailed it right back into the game.
Well, the parallels between Andujar and Sally Bowles, that's just low-hanging fruit.
I mean, I can't be the first person who ever noticed that.
Well, they said that this was the quintessential Brockmire they wanted when they hired you.
They're giving you a solo booth.
- Get out of here.
- Yep.
- That's incredible.
- I know.
And they're excited because now they get to save a ton of money when they fire Gabby.
- They're gonna fire Gabby? - Yeah.
And could you do that for me? Because I'm not good at confrontation.
What are you good at, Gus? Four way stops.
I'm good at four way stops.
I always know who to yield to.
That's the that's the saddest brag ever.
That's the first time you haven't done a share.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I'm not hiding anything from you, Shirley.
Took your note about the whole higher power thing, and I reached out to God, and He got right back to me.
[CHAIR CLATTERS.]
Turns out he's the Old Testament God.
He smote my enemy and he punished the innocent.
Wh what do you think God did, exactly? He made Mat "The Bat" sick, so he couldn't call the ball game, and He gave me my solo booth back.
Hmm.
What about you partner? I have to fire her tomorrow.
Remind me what happened to your last partner.
I fired him so I could get a solo booth.
Why? You think these things are related? - Very much so.
- Huh.
Anywhoodles, turns out I understand God a lot better than I thought I did.
He runs a protection racket.
You need something and you can't turn to anybody in the mortal realm, you call on God, you ask Him for a favor.
Someday and that day may never come He asks you for a favor in return.
- God is not the Godfather.
- I know.
Don Corleone just had politicians in his pocket like so many nickels and dimes.
God's got all of existence on His payroll.
Well, you have not found God.
And you have not found your higher power.
And please, for Christ's sake, watch another movie.
But my yips went away when I was by myself talking.
Talking over the voices is not gonna get rid of them.
It's just gonna make them scream louder to be heard.
You need to work the steps.
You know, this is starting to feel a lot like brainwashing to me.
I there's a brain in this world that needs a wash, it's yours.
'Cause you're gonna relapse.
And you know that.
Nothing's ever good enough for you, Shirley.
I mean, what do I have to do? I got my old girlfriend's new boyfriend a job, I went to a white person church, I apologized to a freaking French Canadian.
I mean, when do I get to stop worrying about everybody else and focus on myself again? Huh? When's it gonna be Jim's turn? When doing good things stops feeling like a chore, then it can be Jim's turn again.
Then I'll just be addicted to helping people.
And, no, that seems like a lateral move to me.
At best.
[GUITAR MUSIC.]
Two outs tying run at the plate.
Williams sets and delivers, and misses inside with a slider low, two and - Two and - Two and one.
What she said.
Clock skies one out to left for the final out, and we head to the bottom of the fifth, folks.
Hey, good job, buddy.
I'm glad we figured out a solution.
Oh, me too.
You know, it turns out all we had to do is take that feral dog and chop his balls off.
It's it's a process.
"Baseball's a tough racket.
"A few bad weeks and it's back "to the coal mines for you, pal.
The pressure never lets up.
" Duke Yipkowski.
Boy, he was a kind man.
His nickname was, uh, the Princely Pollock.
When Ty Cobb went up in the stands and tried to stomp a handicapped guy to death, Yip was the only one who did anything about it.
He went right up there and said, "Hey, knock it off.
" Connie Mack said it best.
"Yip was a damn fine second baseman until the day he wasn't.
" "The first one, I gripped the ball funny "and it carried on me.
"The second one, I was trying to beat "a fast runner and overthrew.
"" On the third, I took my time and really aimed it.
And that's when I forgot how to throw altogether.
" The remarkable thing was that he could make all the other throws: home, second, third.
But not the simplest one.
To first.
"-" When the ball's hit to me, the whole crowd takes a breath saving up their air to laugh.
" After committing 22 errors in ten games, the Senators released him.
Two years later, Yip's dead.
Some say having the game taken from him drove him insane.
I would argue it was the syphilis.
And he was not the only player from the Deadball Era to die of a sexually transmitted disease.
Hugh "The Human Pooper Scooper" Hooper was deeply committed to the scat lifestyle.
He used to like to pay prostitutes to squat - over a glass coffee table - You know what, Jim? I actually think we're good.
I have a little more.
[FRANCIS SCOTT KEY'S "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER".]
Why can't Gabby just give the count? 'Cause the play-by-play man tells the story of the game.
And the heartbeat of the game is the count.
How many balls, how many strikes.
Every pitch changes the at-bat.
Every at-bat changes the inning.
Every inning changes the game.
Whether the story I'm telling is triumph or tragedy can come down to whether the count is 1 and O or 1 and O.
You just said "one and O" twice.
[GROANS.]
But, hey, you came to a meeting this morning.
And that's a good sign.
So just give yourself a little time.
No.
I don't have time, Shirley.
The yips are like a missing child.
The first 48 hours are everything.
You don't solve it by then, you might as well start checking dumpsters in ever expanding concentric circles for what's left of my career.
Damn it, I thought getting sober was supposed to solve my problems, not invent new ones.
Sobriety just reveals the problems you've been avoiding - with drugs and alcohol.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause I got, like, 40 years of problems stacked up here.
I can barely get through five seasons - of "Friday Night Lights.
" - Oh, you should.
It's really good.
Yeah, well, after I watch "Breaking Bad.
" You haven't seen "Breaking Bad"? Oh, don't binge shame me, Shirley.
I'm barely hanging on here.
Now, Simmons struggled last year, but he spent the off season working with a batting coach - on his swing plane.
- Did he? Oh, good thing, too, because that swing was harder to watch than a high school production of "Equus.
" Fastball misses outside, one ball to none.
Not none no no tracks.
Strike.
Sorry, folks.
Counts one and one one one thing about baseball, it's a sport that we're all watching right now together.
Just missed a pitch as I said that.
It was inside, so we add that to the previous ball and we get a count of I wanna say "Mork & Mindy.
" [QUIRKY BANJO MUSIC.]
"Mork & Mindy"? Well, I think that went pretty well after I stopped trying to give the count.
Kind of a fun change of pace for the audience, not to know what the balls and strikes were.
Add a little, uh, sense of mystery to the proceedings.
Yeah, like, "What is happening?" And, "Did that man just say the numbers tor and nevin?" That was a great deal more blunt than it needed to be, wasn't it? How about you, Gus? Any notes? I got one or twore.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm just kidding.
We're getting fired.
Jim, you know, I've seen this happen before.
The catcher on my college team got the yips.
She suddenly just couldn't throw back to the pitcher.
Just the simplest soft toss became impossible for her.
Yeah, we were all scared it was gonna last forever.
- But it didn't.
- So, what'd the coach do? Did he move her to first base? DH? What? No, she k she killed herself.
Yeah, the floor was just littered with pills.
The cops theorized she was trying to, like, throw them in her mouth and she just kept missing over and over.
So she eventually shot herself.
On the fifth try.
Why would you tell me that? To let you know this is serious.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm trying to Okay, you know what the good news is? Spring training game on the radio.
I doubt very highly that anybody was listening to it.
Right? I heard that entire game.
Wow.
It was just an endless parade of suffering with no one offering any help.
[LAUGHS.]
It was like the Flint, Michigan, of broadcasts.
How about laying off of me, huh? I thought being sick was supposed to give - a person perspective.
- Oh, it does.
I had a bird's eye view to you eating shit down there.
Gabby, on the other hand, did a fine job.
I'm gonna have her do color on tomorrow's TV broadcast.
- Uh-huh.
- Because I'm gonna take her spot in your booth so I can have a ringside seat to your self-immolation.
You know, this eighth grade bully bluster of yours might play with the little piss-ants who flit around you.
Don't hold much truck with me, Sonny Jim.
See, I remember when you were just a utility player whose main utility was grounding out to the shortstop.
Didn't impress me then.
You don't impress me now, you jumped up, - dim-witted shit heel.
- Okay, who the hell do you think you are, talking to me like that - in my ball park? - Oh, unbunch your panties.
That was me holding back.
Keep it up.
Happy to give it to you both barrels.
I'll tell you what, Brockmire.
Your ass better be ready for tomorrow.
I will put you on the spot until anybody with a radio and ears, knows you can't do the count.
Get ready for your next public humiliation.
Hey, I was born ready for humiliation.
My mother gave birth to me at a Dress Barn.
Outlet store.
On her break.
And after, they had her mop up our mess.
So suck my balls! I don't understand, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, to better myself.
I've been I've been collecting these chips for a year now.
When do I get to cash them in for a better life? AA is not Chuck E.
Cheese.
Yeah, I know.
It's worse.
And Chuck E.
Cheese is a parody of a nightmare.
Look, my career's gonna be over in 24 hours, okay? For real, I need you to just sponsor the shit out of me right now, Shirley.
So, uh, help me understand what happens with these yips.
[SIGHS.]
It's like all of a sudden there's a stadium filled with people inside my head, and they're all telling me what to do, but they're all saying different things.
And they're screaming all of this at the top of their lungs.
Also, they all happen to be me, so they're doing it in a in a really compelling way.
Yeah, as always, your narcissism astounds.
Oh, thank you.
But these anxieties you're describing, they're very normal for this stage of sobriety.
The fog has lifted from your brain and now, all these competing thoughts are trying to assert themselves over your mind and your life.
You need to rework step three.
Admit you're powerless and that there's a higher power in control.
I know.
Well, I didn't do that step.
I don't understand.
Well, I'm an atheist, Shirley.
You know, I reject the story of some sky daddy whose approval I'm supposed to beg for.
I skipped all the steps that had God in 'em.
- Well, but that's most of the steps.
- I know.
That's why I was able to blow through the program in record time.
Because you didn't actually work the program.
See, AA only works if you work it.
Jim, your yips are directly related to this issue.
You're white-knuckling it and you're trying to control your life, and your sobriety.
And you can't.
So you need to find a higher power that works for you or you're not gonna be able to fix it.
Okay, so all I have to do is find God in the next 24 hours.
Is that what you're telling me? Oh, well, that should be a snap, thank you.
I mean, I don't even know where to start.
You could start here.
At a Catholic church? Real life Slytherin? No.
No, thank you.
At least with Mormons you get magic underwear and your own planet.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Oh, um, so, you don't you don't call ahead? Oh, never.
No.
Can't send me to voicemail if I'm standing on your doorstep.
No, um, I was wondering, are you headed to church this morning by any chance? I am.
I wonder if I might come with you? Okay, let's do this.
Uh, so this is Jim Brockmire.
Oh, hi.
What a pleasure.
Did she tell you? I'm one of those straight men, who prefers the company of lesbians.
- No what? - No.
- You know, like a like a - No, no, no.
Remember, I told you, that's not a thing.
Well, we're making it a thing.
This is how things become things, Gabby.
Uh, he wants to come to church with us.
I think I'll catch a later service.
Okay, well, just out of curiosity, is it because of your preconceived notions about me or the fact that I referenced your sexuality - on our first interaction? - Both.
- That's fair enough.
- Yeah.
Solid.
[CHURCH BELLS RINGING.]
[ORGAN MUSIC.]
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
- What's wrong? - Aren't we at least going to a black church? I mean, I knew today was gonna be a total write-off, but I was at least looking forward to some great music and some pretty impressive hats.
I mean, that's nothing but a bunch of lame-ass white people.
You're lame-ass white people.
I know, and I think it's pretty obvious that I hate myself.
This isn't my regular church, all right? I don't live here, either, remember? But it's Episcopalian, it's, like, ten minutes from my house, and I think I saw a pride flag inside once.
Or maybe it was just a rainbow.
I don't know.
I'm doing what I can.
It's Florida.
All right, let's just let's just do this thing.
All right, but before we go in, you have to promise me promise me that you're not gonna embarrass me.
Of course I promise you.
Look, I appreciate you bringing me.
I know how important it is to you, I don't take it lightly.
Last thing in the world I wanna do is embarrass you.
Would you mind closing the door? Of course, Pastor.
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[SHOUTING INTENSIFIES.]
Why did you bring up the holocaust? Well, the priest is the one who brought up a benevolent God.
I thought that called for a rebuttal witness.
No, you called Jesus the Mayor of Auschwitz.
Well, I don't wanna work with some thin-skinned God who can't handle a little criticism.
Now, if He's all-powerful, why doesn't he grow Himself a pair of balls? Boy, I apologize again for my behavior back there.
Right now trying to control my emotions is a little bit like trying to leash train a feral dog who has a taste for blood and trash.
People are gonna get bit and tampons are gonna get eaten.
It's a it's a process.
Jim, feral dogs get put down.
You know, maybe you should stop apologizing for doing shitty things and just stop doing shitty things.
Well, maybe I should.
Thank you for being such a straight shooter, there.
And thank you for bringing me here.
This is uh, boy, this is lovely.
Yeah, I forgot how nice it is.
Maybe Gayle and I will bring our kid here one day.
Oh, yeah, is that, uh, a thing that'll be happening soon? Yeah, I think, um I hope very soon.
Well, I think you're going to be an amazing mother.
- Ah.
- No, you're one of the finest people it's ever been my pleasure to know.
I mean that.
That's why I'm a little bit surprised that you believe in an all-powerful God who still had to supplement His income as a carpenter.
Doesn't make sense.
You know, there was this moment right before my first College World Series game.
I was stressed, nervous.
So I got down, just said a quick prayer for strength, and when I stepped out onto the field, immediately this calm came over me.
I felt connected to everything, to the crowd, my teammates, to the bat in my hand.
When that first pitch came, I knew it was going over the fence.
Knew it as it left the pitcher's hand.
In that moment, I was sure I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
I don't know.
If that's not a higher power, I don't know what is.
Hmm.
You know, that's the first time that anyone has ever explained God to me in a way that actually made sense.
So, thank you.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Now do the holocaust.
- No.
- Do it.
- No.
- Please? Oh, Jim, I heard that Matt The Bat's coming in to end your career today.
- Where'd you hear that? - He's telling everybody.
I heard it from the bat boy.
- Little Joaquin? - Yeah.
With the dimples and the bowl haircut? - He's so sweet.
- I know.
Joaquin said that Matt's gonna, uh to ear hole you with his monster cock.
His English has gotten really good.
Yeah, we're getting fired.
So I'm going to the hotel.
I'm gonna finish packing.
Boy, you really know how to harsh a guy's post-picnic high, you know that? All right, Sky Daddy, let's do this thing.
Oh, boy.
God, I haven't been in this position since I was looking for Sandy Duncan's glass eye on a bathroom floor.
She wouldn't have sex with me unless we found it.
Which we never did.
Had to settle for a bunch of mouth stuff.
But this is probably not a great prayer.
Okay, I don't see any way out of this stupid thing, and I was hoping that you could show me.
Please.
I'll wait.
[SIGHS.]
Still waiting.
Oh, my God.
I feel something.
Oh, it's like a pressure deep down inside of me.
Oh, shit.
I just have to pee.
[GROANS.]
Jim Brockmire just dominating this urinal ice.
So the rumors are true.
You really do talk to yourself.
Yeah, but I don't talk to strange men on the toilet.
You're born alone.
You die alone.
You should shit alone.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
I was just taking a piss.
I always use the stall when I'm in public, otherwise everybody tries to get a peek at the big show.
Which I guess makes me a bigger attraction than you in the booth and in the John.
Man, what is your problem? You know what? Never mind.
- Not worth it.
- No, no, no.
Don't hold back.
Lay into me with both barrels.
All right, fine.
I'm gonna carve through you like ice at a urinal.
So open wide, motherfuck.
'Cause here comes my mind piss.
You are [VOMITING.]
Uh, all right.
Well, we We can do this later.
[VOMITING.]
Or maybe not at all.
I'll I'll see you in the booth.
No, no.
- Say what you were gonna say.
- No.
Anybody vomiting from chemo gets a pass from me.
Oh, well, I stopped chemo two weeks ago.
Well, what does that mean? No, don't pretend to care.
Don't treat me differently because I'm sick.
That that's more insulting than anything you could possibly say to me.
What now, you don't know what I was gonna say.
I need you to be honest with me.
My friends and fans, doctors, my wife, none of them are honest.
Nobody kicks cancer's ass.
Cancer either almost kills you or it kills you.
And it's killing me, and none of them will admit it.
So, please, do me the goddamn courtesy of some honesty.
Okeydokey.
[VOMITS.]
Do it! [COUGHS.]
- Now! - Okay.
You're a black-hearted piece of shit who's done more coke than Stevie Nicks and David Crosby combined.
All true.
Continue.
[VOMITS.]
Oh, boy.
The four luckiest [VOMITS.]
The four luckiest women in the world are the ones who managed to heave your aggressively sinewy body off of them long enough to divorce you, taking with them the only part of you they ever actually loved, which was your money.
All right? But that you know what? That's blood.
So, you know what? We're gonna get you to the hospital.
Don't worry.
Once you feel better, I'll tell you all about the time - I fucked your sister.
- Which one? I gotta give you some reason to get better, now don't I? Now now, come on.
Gus, I need you to call an ambulance.
Yeah, okay.
Now, please, Assy Joe.
[WHISTLING.]
- Wow.
- What? - That was intense.
- Oh, yeah, man.
You mean, like, to witness the frailties of the human body like that? To see the mortal coil laid bare before us.
It was devastating.
I mean, thank God the man is okay or, uh, I do not think that I could continue.
Jim, I don't think I've ever seen you happier.
Now, come on, Gu I just I'm excited to have my solo booth back.
That's all.
I don't know what you're so excited about.
You still got the yips.
Plus you're solo at the mics, and now you got nobody to help you with the count.
That's great producing, Gus.
Really, thanks a lot.
Great.
Great pep talk.
[BLUESY GUITAR MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
You can do it, you can do it.
Hello, baseball fans.
Jim Brockmire with you today flying solo through the friendly Florida skies, so put your tray tables up and fasten your seatbelts because you are in the center seat.
I am in both the aisle and the window, and I am feeling chatty.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just about ready for the first pitch here this afternoon.
Sitko making his spring debut on the mound, looking to bounce back from, well, a pretty disastrous season last year where he had about as much control as an Amish kid during the Rumspringa at Burning Man.
And déjà vu all over again.
He begins this year much like he ended the last, with a fast ball way outside for a ball one and O.
One ball and O strikes, which is the count as it currently exists.
Sitko misses outside again.
Time, two and O.
Two balls and no strikes.
Folks, we got ourselves a ball game here this afternoon.
Munich red hot thus far this spring.
Eight for 13.
No walks, no strike outs.
Definitely looking to make contact.
That broadcast was fantastic.
I just got off the phone with the owners.
They loved that two-inning riff on Bob Fosse's "Cabaret" and the way that you seamlessly dovetailed it right back into the game.
Well, the parallels between Andujar and Sally Bowles, that's just low-hanging fruit.
I mean, I can't be the first person who ever noticed that.
Well, they said that this was the quintessential Brockmire they wanted when they hired you.
They're giving you a solo booth.
- Get out of here.
- Yep.
- That's incredible.
- I know.
And they're excited because now they get to save a ton of money when they fire Gabby.
- They're gonna fire Gabby? - Yeah.
And could you do that for me? Because I'm not good at confrontation.
What are you good at, Gus? Four way stops.
I'm good at four way stops.
I always know who to yield to.
That's the that's the saddest brag ever.
That's the first time you haven't done a share.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I'm not hiding anything from you, Shirley.
Took your note about the whole higher power thing, and I reached out to God, and He got right back to me.
[CHAIR CLATTERS.]
Turns out he's the Old Testament God.
He smote my enemy and he punished the innocent.
Wh what do you think God did, exactly? He made Mat "The Bat" sick, so he couldn't call the ball game, and He gave me my solo booth back.
Hmm.
What about you partner? I have to fire her tomorrow.
Remind me what happened to your last partner.
I fired him so I could get a solo booth.
Why? You think these things are related? - Very much so.
- Huh.
Anywhoodles, turns out I understand God a lot better than I thought I did.
He runs a protection racket.
You need something and you can't turn to anybody in the mortal realm, you call on God, you ask Him for a favor.
Someday and that day may never come He asks you for a favor in return.
- God is not the Godfather.
- I know.
Don Corleone just had politicians in his pocket like so many nickels and dimes.
God's got all of existence on His payroll.
Well, you have not found God.
And you have not found your higher power.
And please, for Christ's sake, watch another movie.
But my yips went away when I was by myself talking.
Talking over the voices is not gonna get rid of them.
It's just gonna make them scream louder to be heard.
You need to work the steps.
You know, this is starting to feel a lot like brainwashing to me.
I there's a brain in this world that needs a wash, it's yours.
'Cause you're gonna relapse.
And you know that.
Nothing's ever good enough for you, Shirley.
I mean, what do I have to do? I got my old girlfriend's new boyfriend a job, I went to a white person church, I apologized to a freaking French Canadian.
I mean, when do I get to stop worrying about everybody else and focus on myself again? Huh? When's it gonna be Jim's turn? When doing good things stops feeling like a chore, then it can be Jim's turn again.
Then I'll just be addicted to helping people.
And, no, that seems like a lateral move to me.
At best.
[GUITAR MUSIC.]
Two outs tying run at the plate.
Williams sets and delivers, and misses inside with a slider low, two and - Two and - Two and one.
What she said.
Clock skies one out to left for the final out, and we head to the bottom of the fifth, folks.
Hey, good job, buddy.
I'm glad we figured out a solution.
Oh, me too.
You know, it turns out all we had to do is take that feral dog and chop his balls off.
It's it's a process.