Bunk'd (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Okay, we fixed most of the camp, but we still have leaky toilets, cracked canoes, and the flagpole that's barely held together with duct tape.
There's not just tape holding the pole together.
There's chewing gum on there, too.
Excuse me, can you direct me to the camp owners? That's us! Are you the one we hired to scrape the dead seagulls off the dock? Oh, yeah, it's that way.
They can really stick, so put your elbow into it.
I am Inspector Dinsmore, with the Department of Camp Services.
Nowhere on this badge does it say anything about scraping bird goo.
Wait, we didn't hear anything about an inspection! It's a surprise inspection.
(Chuckles) Surprise! But we are not ready! Could you come back in maybe, one month? Don't worry, I got this.
Ma'am, I'm sure there's something we can work out.
Would this help us pass the inspection? Is that a bribe? Don't ask me.
Ask Benjamin Franklin.
Zuri! That's Ulysses S.
Grant.
Maybe instead of summer camp, you should be in summer school.
And bribery of a public official is a crime.
I will need your name.
Emma.
Emma Ross.
All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka Okay, it's been exactly two weeks since you got to camp, so you know what that means! My first gallon of hair spray is running out? Three generations of spiders have laid eggs in my ear? It's time to change my underwear? No to Destiny and Matteo, and lordy, yes to Finn.
Tonight, the new campers get up and give a speech about what they love most about camp! It's our traditional "Camp Kikiwaka Kick Off the Summer Fun Party!" My speech will be about how much I love that I'll be home in two months! Sooner if I score a medical emergency.
My speech will be about putting together my perfect look for camp.
I'll call it "Blushed it, and Crushed it!" What about you, Finn? I'm going to pass on the speech.
What? But you love talking.
You never stop! Last night, you spent three hours talking to a scab before you picked it! What? I like to sweet-talk 'em first.
And, voila! Meh.
This is way too steep.
Someone could slide right down it! Yeah, because it's a slide Infraction! I am having a strange sensation.
(Gasping) This must be what it feels like when you are about to fail a test! (Panting) Ravi, don't let Dinsmore see Kipling! What, is it against the law to have pets in the cabins now? If they eat campers, then yes! This railing is half an inch too low.
Infraction! Now, isn't that a little nitpicky I said infraction! Okay! Inspector Dinsmore, my siblings and I just took over this camp.
We know we have a few kinks to iron out, but we've created a really fun atmosphere for the kids.
So far, this place is a death trap.
(Metal clanking) (Dinsmore screams) And that was a rat trap.
Mother makes me mash my moldy meat Bidigee, bidigee, bidigee Bidigoo, bidigoo, bidigoo, bidigoo, bidigoo (Blows raspberry) I've never felt more grateful that you're my roommate.
Hey, Finn, did you figure out what your speech will be about? "Finn has lost his voice and will not be able to do his speech.
"Signed, The Nurse.
" Yeah, right.
Ow! What the heck? Lost your voice, huh? I'm cured! Finn, what's really going on? Okay! The truth is I'm scared to speak in front of people ever since I played Santa in the Christmas pageant and I forgot my line.
Wasn't it just "Ho, ho, ho"? Oh, sure, where were you back then? So you have stage fright.
It's most people's number one fear.
Although mine is split ends.
Don't worry, Finn, we'll help make sure you do a great job! Thanks.
By the way, how'd you know I was lying about my voice? Never fake sickness to a hypochondriac.
We will know.
Also, you spelled nurse with a "Z.
" This place is a mess.
There were raccoons in the crawl spaces, and poison ivy along the paths! But look at this life preserver! It's brand-new! The old one was just a brick with "good luck" written on it.
You have to meet state-mandated standards.
Inspector Dinsmore, please believe that we are trying to fix everything as fast as we can.
And we promise the rest of this inspection will go very smoothly.
(Screaming) Starting now! DINSMORE: Infraction! I'm soaked! (Gasps) Is this a seagull beak sticking out of my arm? Let me get that.
Inspector Dinsmore, we are so sorry you fell, but it's not like we can check all the wood in all the camp to see if it's rotted out.
No, that would be a lot of trouble.
(SHOUTING) Of course, you can! Ugh, this is the same awful place it's been since I was a kid! You were an inspector as a kid? No, I was a camper here! I hated it.
If I find one more thing wrong, I'm going to shut this dump down! Please don't do that! Look, we know this camp isn't perfect.
But so what if the baseball field is on a landfill, and a pack of porcupines just moved into the boat house, and Stop helping! What we lack in fire extinguishers, we make up for in happy campers.
Exactly.
In fact, tonight is our traditional "Camp Kikiwaka Kick Off the Summer Fun Party!" And you should absolutely come and see how much fun our campers have.
Okay, fine.
But only because I want to miss the traffic back to Moose Rump.
It's gonna be antler-to-antler.
(LAUGHS) Okay, Finn, we've got some tips on how to stay calm and confident in front of a crowd.
What are these for? They're your "audience.
" They won't stop staring at me! That's because they're cardboard cutouts.
They can't blink.
Don't worry about that one.
He's a real sourpuss.
And Go! I think he's stuck.
Or dead.
Let's try something else.
Picture the whole audience as something that makes you laugh Like clowns! Okay.
(Screams) Killer clowns! (Grunting) Need help with that? You know, not anymore.
Well, I offered.
Look, this party is really important.
We need to impress Inspector Dinsmore.
So, please make yourself useful and get some frosting from the pantry.
But that's like four feet away! Fine! Zuri: Why are all these chocolate chips on the floor? Those are not chocolate chips! Do not mention them to Inspector Dinsmore.
I found this way in the back.
Whoa.
This is really expired.
No kidding.
It says "number one frosting brand in all 48 states.
" Great, how am I going to find time to go into town and get more frosting? I guess I could hike to the market, grab the icing, and come back.
That's perfect! You would do that? I said I could.
Not that I would.
Wow! That Dinsmore really hates this place.
That's why she's gotta have fun at the party, so she can see how great Camp Kikiwaka is.
Got it.
Limbo stick.
Or not.
Okay, I'm going to finish the party prep.
Make sure Dinsmore doesn't see anything else that will get us in trouble.
Right.
I'll keep her away from those exposed wires by the water fountain.
Wow, that was close.
I know.
A few inches lower and our problem would've been solved.
You have a dark side.
I like that.
Oh, seriously? The cake's not ready yet? Well, I guess it's up to me to take this dessert from drab to fab.
Cake-over! Zuri, did you get the frosting? Aw, she not only got it, she also applied it! And it is truly fab! Wow.
Gladys replenished the decorations even less frequently than the toilet paper.
"Congratulations, President Lincoln" Same old mess hall.
I see the floorboards are still stained with the tears of all the miserable campers who have passed through here.
Who hurt you? Inspector Dinsmore, I'm sorry you hated camp back then, but it's a great place now, and tonight you'll see a room packed with happy campers.
Although not so many that it would violate the fire code! We'll see.
One more slip-up, and I'll shut this camp down faster than you can say, "Violation of Code Three, Subsection Four, "with a subsequent revocation and condemnation.
" But I can't even say that slow.
Sorry for being late.
The store clerk had the gall to say Reba isn't the best female country star in the world.
I set him straight.
You know, actually, some say Shania Twain gives her a run for her money.
What did you say? Nothing.
I said nothing.
Wait, what is that? I got you your frosting.
See, I can be responsible and mature.
So (Blows raspberry) But you already frosted the cake.
Emma and Lou are handing it out now for people to eat after the speeches.
Uh, I didn't frost the cake.
Well, if you did not, then who did? It was me.
That cake got frosted, son! Emma, this frosting is expired! Like, middle-of- last-century expired.
Oh, so that's why it says, "Beat those Great Depression blues with our delicious frosting!" You handed out expired toxic cake to everyone! We have to get it back before anyone eats it and gets sick! Oh, no! If Dinsmore finds out, she'll shut us down faster than I can say, "Violation of Code Three, Subsection Four, "with a subsequent revocation and condemnation.
" Hey, I just said it! Hey, Finn, how are you doing? Awful! I'm having trouble breathing, I'm dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to barf up all my vital organs.
Now you know how I feel sharing a bathroom with you.
Sorry, we're dealing with your issues right now.
I'm going to look like an idiot up there.
It's going to be a disaster! Finn, you need to relax.
You're thinking about it too much.
Wow, I bet no one has ever accused you of that before.
Thanks for trying, guys.
But it's no use.
Okay, we have to do something drastic to help Finn.
Gotcha.
I'll put itching powder in the campers' clothes, so they can't do their speeches.
What? No, that's insane.
Have you actually done that before? Hey, all's fair in love and pageants.
And here you go.
Zuri: This should be the last of it.
Oh, no! There's still one piece missing! Okay, nobody panic! Lou, you start the speeches, and see if you can spot the missing piece of cake from the stage.
We'll keep looking from the audience.
Man, I never thought I'd hate cake so much, but here we are.
Good evening, and welcome to the "Camp Kikiwaka Kick Off the Summer Fun Party!" (Campers cheering) Are you guys ready to have some fun? No! Okay, we'll try to power through anyway.
Uh, back on the farm, there's a saying that goes, "a happy animal makes for good eatin'.
" Just ask my good friend Peggy the Pig.
Well, you can't, because I ate her.
But boy, was she delicious.
Wow, even though the camp might get shut down, Lou is really keeping it together under all the pressure.
Yeah, talking about eating her close friends must have a calming effect on her.
In the same way, a happy camp makes for happy campers.
So when you hear these kids give their speeches, you'll see how happy they really are.
Ooh, well played.
Um, anyway, these kids really take the cake.
The cake in the front row.
Look! (Ravi gasps) That kid must have hidden it when he saw us taking the cake back! Those kids from Fox Cabin are so sly.
I can't wait to hear what all these campers love about camp.
Coming up first is my fabulous cousin Finn! The only thing coming up is my lunch! Hey, Lou! I want to go first! Ah, okay, well then I guess we'll start with my fabulous non-cousin, Matteo.
What I love most about Camp Kikiwaka is studying the dinosaurs that once roamed here.
And now, I'll name my top 57 of them in alphabetical order.
Allosaurus, Brontosaurus, Dilophosaurus We have to do something! One of us has to grab that cake without Dinsmore noticing.
I've never gone anywhere without being noticed.
But I'll try.
No, I shall do it.
No woman has ever noticed me.
You said it, brother.
Ooh, thank you.
I think our problem just got worse.
Guess we'll go to plan B.
Hope the cake takes her out before she can close down the camp.
Podokesaurus, Pterosaurus.
Don't worry, I haven't skipped to the "T's.
" That was a silent "P.
" Quaesitosaurus, Quilmesaurus If you'd been around back then, the dinosaurs would've died from boredom! Excuse me, I'm trying to give a speech here! I know.
And I wish you were extinct! Destiny, why are you being so mean to him? We're staging a fake fight, so Lou will get mad at us, and cancel the speeches.
That way, you won't have to give yours.
I can't believe you two would do that just for me.
Of course.
Anything for a friend.
Get off the stage, nerd-osaurus! Make me, Little Miss Bleach Brain! Get ready for a ride on the pain train! More like the lame train! Break it up! You guys are ruining everything! I didn't ruin it! Destiny ruined it! Either way, it's clearly ruined! So you should probably just cancel this whole thing before anyone else has to speak! Well, I might as well enjoy something tonight.
No! Whoopsies! That is enough! I'm shutting this camp down! Huh? What? Why? Inspector Dinsmore, please don't! Just give us one more chance! No.
Nothing good has ever come from this camp.
And nothing ever will.
Good day! Please, you can't close down the camp! Um, I just did.
That's why I said, "good day.
" But I love Camp Kikiwaka.
It's an amazing place, with amazing people.
What? Those two just got into a huge fight! And that kid was just droning on about dinosaurs! Great party, guys! Destiny and Matteo were just pretending to fight, so they could get the speeches canceled, because I have stage fright.
Only true friends would do that.
You two faked that whole fight just to help him out? It wasn't all fake.
I think I pulled a tricep raising my fists.
See, I was too afraid to get up there and speak.
But if I had, I would've talked about how much I love this place and hanging out with my new friends.
So, please, please don't close down the camp.
You know, I had an awful time when I was a camper here.
But, I never made friends like the ones you've made.
I've been told I can be a bit of a fart nugget.
All: No.
It's true.
I was voted "Most Annoying Camper.
" The plaque was just my picture on a dart board.
Well, it's never too late to make friends at camp.
Yeah, you should stick around and hang out around the campfire with us.
Actually, that sounds kind of nice.
So, what do you say, Inspector Dinsmore? Shall we save you a marshmallow? Okay And I'll give you one month to get this place up to code.
But that means no dead fowl on the dock, no recycling food, and your smoke detectors can't just be old cans of tuna glued to the ceiling.
You noticed that? I saw a stray cat hanging from one! So, if we fix all those things, does this mean Yes, the camp stays open! (Campers cheering) No, stop! What? It is my cheat day.
Way to go, Finn! Nice speech! What? I didn't make a speech.
Of course you did! You spoke confidently in front of a crowd, and not only did you explain what you love about camp, you saved the camp! Huh, guess my stage fright is gone.
That means now I can tell everyone about my scabs! I suffered a vicious noogie for that? This is great! I'm finally getting the camp experience I always wanted.
Thank you so much for including me.
You're welcome.
Ooh, yours is perfectly done.
Hey! She really is a fart nugget.
Inspector Dinsmore, thank you again for not closing down the camp.
Yeah.
And we promise, from now on, nothing else will go wrong.
Starting now.