Call Me Kat (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

1
- How was yoga, Sheila?
- Oh, terrible.
The guy in front of me
wasn't wearing underwear,
and his downward dog wasn't neutered.
Really? Maybe I should take up yoga.
I'm feeling a little stiff.
Happy Saturday!
What are you wearing?
Oh, this?
Just the coolest shirt of
the last 65 million years.
And my chances of being a
grandmother have gone extinct.
Max is taking me to the
natural history museum today.
And I'm her date.
How the hell are you in my life?
Even I would've picked on you in school.
You're gonna stand there
and tell something
cold-blooded that it's not cool?
Boom! Joke and a science
fact. Take that, haters.
Hey, guys.
Hey. Why do you have a baby?
Yeah, I don't remember
getting an Amber Alert.
Oh, look at him.
Oh, he's so much cuter than
you were as a baby, Katharine.
No. This is my nephew, Thor.
I'm watching him for my sister.
Thor? His name is Thor?
Damn. Now I got to rename my vibrator.
Same.
My sister married a comic book nerd.
Their vows were in Klingon.
Klingon? What a couple of dorks.
He's so adorable.
Do you feel any maternal stirrings,
or have your ovaries turned to stone?
I am fine with babies.
I just prefer the kind
that are covered in fur
and fall on their
feet when you drop 'em.
Do not hand her that baby.
I like this getup.
You want to take him for a ride?
I want you to take me for a ride.
- When's your sister picking him up?
- Tomorrow morning.
But we're going to the museum today.
Dinosaurs, rocks, stuffed animals.
There's nothing there for a kid.
Come on. We'll take him with us.
What if he embarrasses us?
He'll love it. Right, Thor?
The God of Thunder says
that sounds bitchin'!
All right, I'll give it a try.
I've got my eye on you.
Don't you ruin this for me.
I'm lovin' this kid.
Now, Thor, some of the exhibits
on early humans will
feature some tasteful nudity.
So try not to stare.
And definitely no touching.
Learned that the hard way.
Grade school field trip?
Last month.
So that's why the security
guard keeps following us.
Oh.
Oh.
Look at you. Good with babies.
To be fair, I do the same thing
with Carter when he's cranky.
You want to hold him?
Oh, no thanks. The only tiny,
whiny thing I like is Phil.
Come on. Don't you
just want to eat him up?
Like a little baby kebab?
Mmm.
Yeah, that hand was down
his diaper five minutes ago.
I never realized you're not into babies.
Stop saying that. I
can be good with babies.
Look, I'm here. I'm gone.
I'm here, I'm gone.
And it's fun
because you haven't learned
the permanence of objects yet.
See?
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
You totally get kids.
I'm gonna go to the restroom
before we hit the gem
and mineral exhibit
because we are going
to be there a long time.
I get very fired up about igneous rocks.
- Lava, fire.
- Mm. Yeah.
But when you see the plaque,
you're going to erupt with laughter.
- Stop it. Oy.
- Okay, that was the last one.
- I pumice.
- Oy.
You three are such a cute family.
- Oh, we're actually not
- Thank you.
He looks just like you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
He's bald and has three chins.
How does she think that's a compliment?
You should see her do "Baby
Shark." It's a showstopper.
You have a great day.
Why did you let her
think we're a family?
Because I get looks if I
say, "Oh, this isn't my baby."
Oh, that never stopped
my mom from saying it.
This is my manager.
- Here? Please. Yeah?
- Yeah. No.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, I just told you,
- I have to Oh.
- Hello?
Yeah, now's a great time.
What's with that face?
Can you smell my fear?
Oh.
Oh. Okay, uh, okay.
We're gonna bounce? We're
bouncing. We're bouncing.
Okay. Is this bouncing helping you?
It's making my pee situation worse.
Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.
That is helping.
Yeah, that's a good Thor.
You know what, Thor? That's a dumb name.
I'm gonna call you
Carl.
That was my dad's middle name.
He's a really great
guy. He's up there now.
Yeah. Yeah, not up there with
that pterodactyl in the rafters,
but, like, the big "up there."
You know, I don't know if I'm the one
to be teaching you about death.
However, do you
remember our conversation
about object permanence?
Ooh. Ooh, a little baby toot.
Oh, wow. That is pungent.
Yeah, that was not me.
That was the baby.
Whew. Carl.
You know what? This
dam's about to break,
and only one of us is
wearing a diaper. Let's go.
- It's slow today.
- Yeah.
Good day for Kat to take off.
Uh-huh.
But we're not gonna tell
her that, though, right?
Hell no.
I guess we could restock
the shelves in the storeroom.
Yeah, we probably should.
All right, well, give me
a hand with these boxes.
I'm on my break.
Hey, baby.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm pretty sure he was talking to me.
Well, bless your heart.
You pick a movie for tonight?
Ooh. So, I've narrowed it
down to Bride of Chucky,
Seed of Chucky,
- or Cult of Chucky.
- Mm.
Ah, yes. Chucky.
Like a Murder-Me Elmo.
And, Phil, you are helping me
when you're done with your break.
Of course. I just hope you
don't finish before I'm back.
I can't wait to watch the
movie with you tonight, baby.
Smart move watching a horror movie
so your girl snuggles up all
close to you during the scary bits.
Scary bits is also what I
call a woman's private parts.
Phil, you ever told
a lie on a first date?
I don't think I've ever told
the truth on a first date.
Between you and me,
I hate horror movies.
But Randi said she loved
them on our first date,
and I wanted to see
her scary bits, so
Well, why not just tell her the truth?
Because that woman
has crazy trust issues.
I mean, if she knew I
lied about one thing,
she'll think I lied
about a lot of things.
Did you lie about a lot of things?
Of course I did.
I mean, "I like scary movies" led to
"I like Milk Duds just like you" led to
"Yeah, I like camping." Camping, Phil.
Do you know what happens
to people who go camping?
I do, because I've seen
every damn horror movie.
And you know who they kill first?
The handsome, funny Black guy.
You know what candy I like?
Sour Patch Kids.
They're my body shape, and I feel seen.
Maybe I should be dating you, Phil.
I knew you'd come around, baby.
Okay, Carl, welcome to the ladies' room,
where the seats are always down,
and toilet paper is the
currency of the realm.
Uh, pardonne-moi.
Would you mind holding
this tiny humanoid
whilst I relieve myself?
Actually, wait. Are you a weirdo?
Yes, I'm the weirdo.
When you're a little
older, I'll tell you
what your middle finger's for.
All right, Carl, let's do this.
There's no shelf? Why
is there no baby shelf?
Okay.
Hmm.
I don't think that's a very good
idea at all, but it's very cute!
All right.
I'm like a teenage boy
trying to get to third base.
Oh, I have an idea.
I'll make you a little nest.
Fun fact my mother calls
these "cootie catchers."
And she calls this sweater
a "loneliness catcher."
Here we go. Here we go.
Okay. All right.
Now, Carl, here's the thing.
I'm a little pee shy, so
Carl? Carl?
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Um, can you roll that baby back to me?
Also, I like your shoes.
Okay, if Uncle Max asks if I put you
on the filthy, pee-pee
bathroom floor, what do you say?
Exactly. Perfect.
Okay. Sorry about that.
Everything go okay?
Yeah. Easy-breezy, no
trouble, double-bubble.
Well, I don't know if this
is your pee or floor pee,
but it doesn't matter. It's still pee.
Oh, damn it.
Hmm.
Ready?
Yeah, so, Carl and I have
just been hanging out.
Oh, by the way, Thor goes by "Carl" now.
And what if I told you, you
never had to buy a towel again?
We got to get out of here.
What do you mean?
Did you steal a moon rock? I did, too!
If we get caught, blame the baby.
My manager's shopping a song around,
and Miranda Lambert might be interested.
Oh, that's big.
Not unlike the moon rock that
Carl hid in his diaper bag.
I need to change the lyrics
by the end of the day.
It was about a truck,
and now, it needs to
be about infertility.
But what are you gonna do with Carl?
I was thinking maybe you could help?
Oh, I don't know, Max.
No. Like you just said
easy-breezy, no trouble, double-bubble.
Don't use my love of
wordplay against me.
Please. Really need you.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
What do you mean?
Carl, do you know what she means?
Okay, fine. I'll do it.
Great. You mean babysit, right?
Not drop him off at the fire station?
Max, what kind of
person do you think I am?
I'm gonna need a verbal "yes."
- Ooh, popcorn.
- Not just popcorn.
Great. The Duds.
All right.
It is Chucky time.
Are you ready to get your stabbing on?
You know it.
But if you want to get really freaky,
there's a new movie
featuring Dame Judi Dench.
- Wait. Who?
- You know, Dame Judi Dench.
Shakespeare in Love, Pride
and Prejudice, Chocolat.
Anyway, it's a rom-com.
Well, is it scary?
Ah, there is a fear of commitment.
That sounds boring.
Might as well read a
book. Come on, let's watch.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
You know, I know I love horror movies
because I said I love horror movies,
and why would I lie about that,
but what do you love about them?
Oh, everything.
The jump scares, the blood, not
being able to sleep at night.
- Ooh.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Ditto.
I guess I really got into
them when I was a teenager,
which makes sense because that's when
I started dealing with depression.
I guess it kind of
helped me feel something
instead of being numb all the time.
Hmm. That does make sense.
Plus, I cannot get enough
of screaming white people.
Oh. Here comes your Dud.
Yay.
I have a PhD in mathematics.
How am I losing to a baby cage?
You know, it would be nice if
I had another person to help.
Hello?
Noise-canceling.
Oh, so you can hear me?
Not a word.
Stay 'n Play, my ass.
Should be called the Sweat 'n Cry.
If you can't keep him quiet,
I'm gonna go work in the other room.
Oh. Yeah, that's just
great. I mean, you can't even
pitch in for, like, two
minutes? This baby was your idea.
I'm sorry, Kat.
You know I have a deadline.
Oh, well, you know what?
Why don't you at least
show your face to Carl
before you leave so he doesn't
forget what you look like!
Why are you always so dramatic?
Oh, I'm the dramatic one?
That is ridiculous. Just go!
Don't have to tell me twice.
I need a drink.
You know what? We don't need him.
Oh. Ah. Okay.
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh!
Remember earlier we talked
about the middle finger?
Okay, Carl. You ate,
you burped, you farted.
That's all I need to
do before I go to sleep.
You leave me no choice.
I'm really sorry for
what I'm about to do.
Hello, Mother?
Oh, Katharine, I'm so glad you called.
You've never said that
before. What's going on?
I'm organizing a clothing
drive for the needy.
Where do you keep your mannish suits?
Wait. Are you in my apartment?
Why would you give me a key
if you didn't want me to
go through your things?
I didn't give you a key.
Katharine, why are you calling?
I need help. How do I
stop a baby from crying?
I used to put you in the car.
Oh. And drive around?
No, and go back inside.
Seriously?
I cracked a window, snowflake.
This is my fault for calling.
Yes, it is, dear.
All right. Goodbye, Mother.
Oh. Oh, please stop crying.
I'll give you 20 bucks
if you stop crying.
Oh. Oh. I've got a five
and a wrinkled cat toy.
Oh. Do you like that?
Yeah, you do.
I got a laser pointer, we got a Roomba.
We could go all night.
Look at that. Yes!
Why am I afraid of that movie?
He's just a doll. A stupid pretend doll.
With the knife skills of
a psychotic Benihana chef.
Think happy thoughts.
Benihana, shrimp tossed in my mouth,
making friends with my table mates.
"Well, hi, Jeff and
Eileen from Maryland.
And who is this cute little ?"
Ah! It's Chucky!
I got to man up and tell
her I hate these movies.
Randi?
What's going on?
I hate horror movies.
Wha what? You-you
told me you loved them.
You-you lied to me?
I'm sorry.
Well,
I guess I'm just going
to have to cut you off.
What?
I'm never gonna sleep.
I wonder what time Benihana opens.
Hmm.
Oh, hey.
You two look pretty adorable.
Oh. Thanks.
He's a sweet little guy.
If you wake him, I'll kill you.
Also, the entire left
side of my body's asleep.
- Don't worry. I got him.
- Ooh.
Drop a baby one time,
you never do it again.
Ah. Oh, man, he's really out.
Yeah, I read to him.
He liked Goodnight Moon,
but he really liked Murray Spiegel's
Advanced Mathematics for
Engineers and Scientists.
Oh.
I never understood why parents
like to watch their baby sleep,
but now I get it.
It's like I won,
and you lost, Carl. In your face.
Thanks for your help.
Did you finish your song?
Yeah. And not to brag,
but it might be the best
country song ever written
about polycystic ovary syndrome.
Sorry I was so stressed earlier.
Oh, stop. We make a pretty good team.
Yeah, we do.
Yikes.
That is not sweat.
No, it's not.
Is is this a cat toy?
- Don't criticize me.
- I'm not crit
It's your tone.
Carter?
Yeah?
What are you doing?!
Definitely not looking for
a tiny, redheaded maniac.
Wait. Did that movie
give you bad dreams?
It did not because
I have not been asleep yet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry you're so soft.
Soft? Please.
I don't even wear a
glove when I play golf.
We've watched so many horror movies.
I'm surprised that's
the one that got you.
What about Candyman? You
weren't afraid of Candyman.
I will jump out that window
if you say "Candyman" again!
Oh, God. I just said it!
Okay, what the hell is going on?
I don't like horror movies.
What?
If you're gonna get me with a chainsaw,
please spare the hair.
But you told me you liked them.
We watched all nine
Saw movies in one day.
It was the most romantic
Valentine's ever.
And I was terrified.
That's why we did it with the lights on.
Plus, we had just started dating,
and you told me you loved 'em,
and I wanted you to like me.
What else have you lied about?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Milk Duds. I mean, I just
swallow 'em like pills.
But that's it. And camping.
I mean, I know bears crap in
the woods, but why do I have to?
Carter, we have been
dating for more than a year.
I thought I knew you.
Baby, I'm the same Carter
you said you loved yesterday.
Except my real name isn't
Carter. It's Charles.
- Charles?!
- My grandma was hard of hearing.
Nobody wanted to correct
her, so here we are.
You are not making this better, Charles.
Come on. I'm a guy who
would do something he hates
just to make you happy.
Well, I want a guy
who tells me the truth.
This is the truth.
It took a long time for
you to take down your walls,
and I was afraid if I said
anything, you'd put 'em back up.
I don't like Prince.
Excuse me?!
He's tiny, and he's weird,
and his music ain't all that.
But I know that he's your
favorite, and that's why
I just smile and nod
whenever you put his songs on.
I don't know what to say except
this is what it sounds
like when Carter cries.
- Baby, I did
- Mm.
But I'm sor
One latte coming right up.
Why are you so tired?
Baby. Why are you so tired?
Dame Judi Dench marathon.
We found a movie where
she stabs someone.
It was a win for everybody.
Oh, are you tired, too?
No, y'all are just boring.
I never have a bad night of sleep.
The key is light stretching, a warm bath
and a handful of cheap
Canadian sedatives
washed down with vodka.
Hey, guys. Can I get a coffee?
Oh, sure. Phil?
Sorry. I just started my break.
How'd the drop-off go with Carl?
Did he say anything about me?
Just a toot and a smile.
Oh, that's so Carl.
- Who's Carl?
- Oh, Carl's Thor.
- Who's Thor?
- The tastiest Hemsworth.
You really were great with him.
Well, she learned from the best.
That's right, Mother,
I did. My nanny Adela.
It was kind of nice being
a little family yesterday.
Yeah, I liked playing dad.
I even went to the Home Depot
and learned the name of the paint guy.
It was Carl.
Oh.
I think I want to have a baby.
It's gonna make my mother really happy,
but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh ♪
Keep pushing to the top ♪
Got to work on it, no time to stop ♪
Let nobody tell me what to do ♪
Do your best thing, best thing, ooh ♪