Catastrophe (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Everything's changed now.
Rob's left his job.
Because he wanted to.
He wasn't fired or laid off.
He just felt like a So we have to move house into a smaller house, which is, I mean, it's not the end of the world, you know, there's rooms we don't use, but it's stressful, it's emotional.
Our daughter was born there.
- No, she wasn't.
- Yeah.
Well, she was born when we lived there, so It's all she knows.
I've had to go back to work, which, you know, Rob made that choice for us.
I mean, it was the right choice Well, we all make choices, honey.
- Don't we, Anthony? - Yeah.
Of course.
We all do.
Uh So, you want to put the house on the market, yeah? Yeah.
So, I'd say is worth a fair amount now, isn't it, our house? We painted it, it's all Dulux Heritage colours now, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
We bought it about two and a half years ago, so I'd say its value is Yeah, I got you a great price for that, I remember.
But, um, right now I'd say it's not going to be worth a lot more than what you paid for it.
How much "not a lot more?" Well, it's all sort of dropped off a bit, hasn't it, since the whole Brexit nonsense? If I'm honest, now is not a good time to sell.
If I were you, I'd just sort of leave it for a while.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (HE LAUGHS) Just out of curiosity, if it is such a worthless shithole, why'd you make us buy it in the first place? We didn't make you buy it, did we? I remember you telling us we were making a great investment.
Yeah, you were.
It is a great investment.
It just sounds to me like you're contradicting yourself.
- I'm just telling you the market reality.
- The market reality? How are you going to get a good rate with an attitude like that? You know, what about positive thinking? - I mean, you've got to jazz it up, buddy.
- Yeah.
And why are you smiling? You're telling us bad news, you should do that with a sombre face or a neutral one.
It just doesn't seem like you're a serious person.
All the smiling, your clothes.
You're at work.
People make life decisions in here and you're sitting there all trussed up.
- You look like a magician.
- Because of the jewellery.
So, do we take a sign with us to stick on our lawn? - No, we've got a guy.
- Cool.
So, if you think you like the house, I should say that I received an offer last week from two men, brothers, I think, they had the same haircut.
- They may just have been roommates.
- Probably.
- They said they were dancers.
- Oh! In any case, though, they were talking about knocking this down and ripping that out.
- What? That's nuts.
This house is great.
- Thank you.
Yes, my wife had a flair for design.
You can't buy carpets this colour any more.
- It's a very bright brown.
- Mmm.
Persian.
Or as you young people call it now, Iran.
(HE LAUGHS) We used to call it Persia.
That was good enough for us.
So, would you like a drink of any kind? Aw, yeah, I'll have a tea with lemon.
Thank you, Wallace.
Robert.
No, I'm good, thank you.
- Tea with lemon? - Shut up.
What do you think? - Do you think his wife died here? - Who cares? It's charming as fuck.
I think I love it.
- Can I show you one thing very quickly? - Yeah.
What are you doing? - Very uncomfortable.
- Right.
Well, maybe learn to take a shit in under 20 minutes.
- That's ridiculous and impossible.
- I really like this house.
I swear to God, if you knocked through that pokey kitchen into that ridiculous little scullery, you could take away a lot of the charm of the sort of, you know, how it's like a cosy maze? So, I don't know what those dancers were talking about! Do you feel bad that we lied to an old man? I feel bad that you lied to him.
I mean, I was just standing there while you told him we had a mortgage ready to go.
Yeah, well, it might be a lie today, but it's not going to be a lie next week.
Maybe, I think.
I like this little area.
Do you? - Sure.
- It's a great house.
I mean, I thought I was going to be embarrassed, you know, moving into a tiny house, but that house is just Almost feels like a choice.
How long do you think to sell our house? I don't know, but even if we get the asking price it's going to be tight if we want to get somewhere in this area.
Yeah, well, maybe it's not just selling the house, maybe we need to start thinking about paring back our lives.
I mean, I'll be happy to downsize.
I'm a pretty simple person.
Why are you doing that with your face? Sorry, just my eyes rolled back so fast they actually pulled my skull backwards.
- You're not a simple person.
- I am.
I'm Irish, we're simple people.
An Irish milkmaid is a simple person.
You're a cosmopolitan clothes fiend who consciously left Ireland to come here and shop.
Do you really think I'm cosmopolitan? (THEY LAUGH) Well, how about, as a sort of interim kind of a cash flow sort of a thing, and, I mean, this might sound crazy, but I'll remind you, it was your idea.
What if, per your idea, I did become a Big and Tall model? I mean, it was crazy then, but now I weigh at least 20 pounds more, so I really am big and tall, so maybe it's not as crazy as I thought.
(SHARON LAUGHS) - What? It was your idea! - Yeah! I'm not sure I was being serious.
I think I was probably flirting with you.
You said nice things to me when we first met.
I meant those nice things.
Yeah, well, they were tailored to get into my knickers.
I didn't have to say anything special to get into your knickers.
I just had to say, "Hello," or, "Remove your knickers.
" (SHARON LAUGHS) Well, look, yeah.
Give it a go.
I mean, you're big and tall.
They'd be lucky to have you.
Just make sure you tell them you won't model fur.
What about leather? All you're going to get is leather work.
(THEY LAUGH) You could cancel your gym membership.
Not if I'm going to be a model.
(GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) Come on, you pussy.
Motherfucker.
I need to stop.
I don't want to get too ripped on day one.
Too late, baby.
I haven't seen you here for a while.
Uh, yeah, I used my membership so little last year that it worked out to about 70 quid a visit.
I can't afford that.
Sell your house yet? Not yet, but we just hired a guy who wears a lot of really beautiful jewellery to sell it, so it should fly off the shelf now.
Fran came to see me last night.
Looks like we've reached a settlement, detente.
- She wants an amicable divorce.
- That's nice.
Ah, when your life falls apart it's nice to keep things nice.
I'm going to give her half of everything.
Including Geoffrey.
What's happening with you and Sharon? You all squared with her snake handling, so to speak? Yeah.
We're OK.
It's getting better.
And honestly, at this point in our marriage, if she makes a mistake, it just gives me leverage for whatever monstrous thing I'll definitely do next month.
Marriage is like a game of chess.
But the board is made of water and the pieces are made of smoke.
- Who said that? - I said it.
No, you didn't.
- Jerry Seinfeld said that.
- He said it too, but who said it first? - He did.
- Yeah, but who just said it? Spot me.
You have a lovely home.
(WALLACE LAUGHS) Well, thank you.
I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of two such beautiful ladies on one social call.
So healthy.
Aw, I like you! Do you come with the house? No, no.
I, I, I hope when I sell this place to move into a small apartment in town.
I'd like to be a little, um, closer to the action.
- Aw! - And they'll find me sooner if I die at home by myself.
Oh, don't say that.
I'm sure someone would find you here.
Oh, you're too kind.
- So, I'll wait to hear from you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll just, em Yeah, we'll just sort it then.
Yeah.
Ah-ha.
Often think it might be nice to be with an older guy.
They just know more.
Really? They don't seem like they know more.
Actually they're a lot closer to knowing less.
Oh, I don't know, experience counts.
They'd know their way around a woman's body.
Stop saying stuff like that and looking over at Wallace! What do you think of it? Well, if you have to move it seems like as good a place as any.
Could Rob just not save you both all this grief and go back to his job? It seems like he's being a wee bit of a selfish shit.
Yet, but he hated it there.
I mean, he really hated it.
And I don't currently occupy the moral high ground because of the Mmm.
No.
So There's a fireplace in all the bedrooms.
Oh, Game of Thrones! You could make love in front of every one of them.
Hey, thanks for doing this.
Nothing else to do.
- I kicked Patrick out last week.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
He was awful.
I'm getting straight back on the horse, though, going right back out there.
Good for you.
Just going to have a little nip and tuck first.
- Really? Why? - It's tough out there.
And you catch a lot more flies with honey than shit.
I mean, I'm not saying that this is shit, - but I'd like a little more honey.
- Is that true? Catch more flies with honey than shit? Isn't shit like their favourite thing? What's he doing? Oh.
Hi.
(SHARON LAUGHS) You've got your two original fireplaces, original wood flooring.
- It's parquet? - Yeah, that's parquet, that.
You add that to your great schools and your transport links, you can't really go wrong.
Well, I'm going to have a look upstairs now, yeah? Help yourself.
- Great house.
- Aw, thank you.
Enjoy the bedrooms.
If there's any dirty knickers on the floor, just kick them under the bed.
I mean, there won't be, we knew you were coming.
- Do you think they like it? - I don't know.
- Do you think they'll put an offer in? - Uh Yeah, I know, you don't know.
Fuck.
It's nerve-racking.
I went to see Wallace's place again with Fran.
He asked if we were full steam ahead.
I didn't know what to tell him.
The truth? That we're not? I mean, we don't even have an offer on this place yet.
Yeah, but he's put an offer in on his bachelor pad.
- Well, tell him not to do that.
- Why? Look, if we get Wallace's place, it's going to take the money pressure off, right? Yeah, but we don't even have a mortgage yet.
Yeah, but we will.
We're asking for half the mortgage we've got now.
Let's just do it.
Let's go for it.
We're going to sell this place.
I mean, look at it.
Look at our cushions.
I'd buy it.
If I didn't already own it.
Or could afford it.
It's nuts we've had no offers yet.
We should put it on with another estate agent.
He's an idiot.
What does he do up there, take a nap with them? Or, like, put on a magic show? (THEY LAUGH) That's probably what he does.
We should call him David Blaine between us, like, to each other.
David Blaine it is.
(SHARON LAUGHS) Fran told me she's getting some work done.
- On her house? - No, on her face.
- Christ.
Why's she doing that? - I don't know.
Because she's in her mid-40s and single and it's grim up there.
So, she wants to look more like an angry, surprised alien when she meets new guys? (THEY LAUGH) - Don't you do anything to your face.
- OK.
I'm serious, never, ever touch your face.
Well, you know, I don't plan to, but if, down the road, there was a procedure that didn't hurt and it was guaranteed No, look, listen - I want to fuck you - Do you? Yeah.
because you're like, "This is it.
"Take it or leave it.
" It's like bald guys.
.
Women and gay guys don't give a shit if a guy is bald if he's like, "I'm a man, I'm fucking bald and that's how it is.
" Then you're like "Give me that dick, you bald asshole.
" (SHARON LAUGHS) Yeah, that's true.
- Don't you go bald though.
- OK.
So, there's nothing about me you'd change? - What? - No, I mean, surgically, there's nothing about me you'd surgically change if you could? No! Not even my saggy tits? - They're not saggy.
- Yeah, they are.
I was bending over getting out of the bath the other day, and Frankie pointed at them and said, "Tubes.
" Fuck Frankie.
Look, are they less like the breasts I would have drawn on my notebook in high school? Maybe.
But are they attached to you? Are they still a couple of feet above an amazing pussy? (THEY LAUGH) That's the nicest thing you've said to me in weeks.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (SHARON MOANS) It's Wallace.
It's ten past 11.
Yeah.
He's old, so he doesn't know how to text.
I think he's just lonely.
And he likes me.
He's like the grandpa I never had.
I mean, I had grandpas, but they were more, you know, drunker.
You're not going to answer it? No, it's fucking ten past 11.
(RHYTHMIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) (ROB FARTS) Hi.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Yeah, I'm just going to grab a couple for my kids.
Yeah, sure.
(CARD READER BEEPS) Um, my pass thing isn't Let's have a look.
May I see it? Um (BEEP) Oh, it says we charged your card for your membership for the last quarter and it didn't go through.
Well, that's weird.
Um You know, my other card is in my car.
- Mind if I hop out and grab that? - Sure.
I thought about the vaginal rejuvenation, but I've been pretty good with my kegels.
And I've only had one child, a son.
The actor Geoffrey Beasley.
So, I'm doing pretty good in that department.
We don't do vaginal rejuvenation yet anyway.
Oh, good.
So, um What were you thinking of? - Well, I was thinking of my chin.
- There's nothing wrong with your chin.
Or not my chin, my jowls, get these bits lifted up, up and away.
I try and keep my hair short to try - and not draw attention.
- Why would you do that? I don't know where you got the insane idea that you'd need to do this.
Television.
Magazines.
Ads on the Tube.
Maybe just inject a wee bit of Botox, like? Yes.
I could.
Maybe after I'll nip to the Louvre, paint a little petunia - in the Mona Lisa's hair.
- Sorry? I wouldn't do that.
You know why? She's a masterpiece, doesn't need it.
Neither do you.
Oh! Erm Back in a minute.
Excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
Uh I wanted to, um Look Maybe you've just got a very good bedside manner and I have misinterpreted this, but since my husband left me, my motto is, well, I don't have a motto, I'm not a netball club! But, it's nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So Sorry.
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me.
And what can be the use of him? There's more than I can see.
He's very, very like me - from the heels up to the head.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) And I see him drop before me when I jump into my bed.
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to I can't talk unless it's an emergency.
Is it an emergency? - No, I'm just - It's an emergency, sorry.
I have an emergency.
Hey.
What did they say? - I'm just heading into the bank now.
- Oh.
OK.
Well, it'll be fine.
Just thank them for the huge mortgage we have and tell them we want to trade it in for a smaller one.
It's so simple.
- Yep.
- I mean, it's not like we're trying to fleece anybody, we're just trying to be responsible adults.
Yeah.
- They're treating us like criminals.
- I haven't even gone in yet.
OK, sorry.
Erm, well, look, good luck.
Call me.
(APPLAUSE) (HE SIGHS) Hey! I'm sitting here! Fucking jerk.
Hey.
Hi, Dan.
It's Rob.
I just Hey, Rob, yeah, I was just about to call you.
Well, great.
- Yeah, it didn't go your way with Glencoe.
- Right.
Yeah, apparently they had mostly hired this other guy before they saw you, but then they still really wanted to see you, but then meeting you didn't make them change their mind about the other guy.
Does that make sense? Does that make sense? No.
They knew they had the guy that they wanted, but they still strung me along for a week? No, no, that doesn't make sense, in answer to your query.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hey.
- Hey, Dave, are you busy? Not really.
What's up? Well, I was wondering if you knew of any people that may be able to help me with a mortgage that operate outside of the traditional banking realm.
- Yeah, I definitely do.
- Well, great.
Yeah, but I think what sets them apart from a bank is their interest rates aren't super competitive.
And if you're late for a payment, they will kill you.
And there'd be no funeral and no wake, because your body wouldn't be found.
I mean, you could have a memorial service, but there'd be no body.
Does that make sense? - (DOOR CLOSES) - I didn't get that job.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
How'd it go with? And they're not going to give us a mortgage.
What? He said the biggest mortgage we could get was for a stereo.
Why would he say that? He didn't say that, but it turns out that a schoolteacher and a househusband don't qualify for a mortgage of the size that we need.
For people in our position, a more realistic time to get a mortgage would be 2007.
We didn't even know each other then.
So, what? Why are you wearing no trousers? Because on top of everything else, I'm fat now and they hurt, so when I got home I threw them away.
Oh, Christ.
This is terrible news.
So, what now? I mean, what? - Oh, shit, what about Wallace? - What about Wallace? No, I know it's not as But I just I feel awful.
His little bachelor pad.
Sorry our shitty lives are now making somebody else's worse.
- He could die soon.
- We're not a hospice.
- You're going to have to tell him.
- You have to tell him.
We feel terrible about this.
We feel sick, honestly.
It's a terrible situation for everyone.
I mean, we're devastated, not just for us, but for letting you down.
You know, when our daughter Muireann was born, I said to Sharon Are you mentally retarded? No, I'm not.
So, just an idiot and a liar.
You don't have a job, but you thought you could get a mortgage? - Well, no, but Sharon - No.
No, no.
I'm going to sue you.
You shook my hand.
You can't sue us for shaking your hand.
I fought at Suez, and that wasn't half as upsetting as what you people are putting me through.
- We brought you cupcakes.
- I can't You're liars! Stupid liars! Well, look, we really hope this doesn't mean you've lost your apartment in town.
Oh, it better fucking not! Well, we're very sorry.
I'm going to have to sell the home I raised my children in to a pair of faggots.
Wallace! - Hey, Wal, look - What? We're very sorry about all of this, OK? But in actual legal fact, you have no power over us, OK? So, this visit, the first half of it, was just to extend you a courtesy.
We're sorry, OK? And we hope you don't wind up on the street.
Cos you look pretty frail.
Frail? Oh! I'll kick a cupcake up your pussy! - Why are you looking at me? - Let go.
Let's just go.
I, I And he definitely doesn't know where we live? Not unless he followed us home.
What are we going to do? Keep the doors locked? I have a big flashlight under the bed.
I meant about where we live.
I think we're going to have to rent somewhere.
- And we definitely can't afford to stay here? - (TOILET FLUSHES) We can afford it for, like, another hour and a half.
OK.
I'm sure, I'm not definite, but I'm pretty sure that I've still got a Post Office savings account in Ireland.
I don't know how much is in there, but Is it more or less than £800,000? It's less.
Well, then you can just leave it there then.
- Can I help you? - Um, yeah.
I was just wondering, um, how to go about getting on your books.
In what way? Uh Well, I'm six foot four and I weigh 250 pounds.
And, you know, it's just something that my wife thought that I should see if She wondered, you know, if it would be worth Would that be possible? I'm afraid we're not currently looking to take any new clients on our books.
- Right.
Sure.
- But thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, Harita.
Long-time, no, er (ROB LAUGHS) Well, I just wanted to call and check in and see how you're doing.
I hope you had a nice break.
I think I remember you saying you were going on a whaling trip off of Okinawa? I hope that was fun.
So, yeah, give me a call.
I wanted to talk about my future, see if you had any use for this old bag of bones around the old shop, so, yeah, anyway, give me a call.
I miss you guys.