Cold Feet (1997) s03e03 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 3
Come on.
Aaargh! You see this guy? (Gargling and humming) - Champagne, sir.
- Thank you.
ln you go.
There's the ice bucket over there.
Thank you.
Any change? No change.
(Knock at door) - Hold on a minute.
Romantic music - Come in.
You lookbeautiful.
Thanks.
l have the best of everything This is amazing.
How much did it cost? Ah, tonight money is no object.
But l'd stay clear of the mini-bar, if l were you.
Four quid for a jar of peanuts, £1 .
50 for KitKats.
Not that you'll be wanting a KitKat, because tonight, Rachel Bradley RACHEL: Oh, wow! Mmm.
Notice a theme here? Asparagus, lobster, oysters.
They're all - Aphrodisiacs? - Correct.
What about the chips? - lf you eat enough of them, apparently.
- You know the doctor said no sex? l know.
.
.
can only love you More and more Where are the words to tell you What are you thinking about? l was just wondering how to fit this dressing gown into my suitcase.
How about you? Nothing, really.
Thanks for all this.
Well, it's a special occasion.
Yeah, l suppose so.
- You're not nervous, are you, about tomorrow? - No.
No, not now.
The worst part's over, isn't it? lt's not like it's a proper operation.
lt's a - Procedure.
- A procedure.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's for tomorrow.
Let'slet's enjoy tonight.
Yeah.
Hiya.
Oh, l don't believe it.
- Who did that to you, Adam? - Him.
Right, come on.
l'm gonna sort this out.
Yeah? - Excuse me.
Have you seen what your son's - Oh.
- Oh.
- Hi, Pete.
- Oh, hello.
- l'm really sorry, you know.
ls he OK? Eryeah, l think so.
A bit sticky.
Josh, you tell your dad he owes me 60 pence.
- How do you think they defrost it? - What? My sperm.
Do they leave it on the radiator, or get it out of the freezer the night before, like a leg of lamb? lt's hardly a leg of lamb.
More like frozen yoghurt! (Laughs nervously) - Rachel, Adam, we're ready for you now.
- Thanks.
Adam, are you sure you want to go through with this? l mean l don't want you to faint, you know, or go squeamish or anything.
l wouldn't miss it for the world.
Anyway, it's only right that l'm present at conception.
All right.
So long as you don't fall asleep straight afterwards.
(Distinctly) So, you come to playground often? RAMONA: Yeah, most days at three o'clock.
- ls welcome break for Karen.
Yes? - Mmm.
- You obviously godsend for Karen.
- (Laughs) - Why are you laughing? - You're doing what David does.
Because l'm Spanish, he thinks it's helpful to talk really slow and loud, like l'm a bloody idiot! Well, if it's any consolation, that's how he talks to me.
And he also does this thing where he uses - what are they called? - idioms, all the time, like it's really helpful.
Like, ''Many hands make light work, Ramona.
'' ''lt's an ill wind that blows no good.
'' And ''lt's raining cats and dogs, Ramona.
'' And No, l can't think of another one.
- So, is - Anyway Sorry.
You were going to say? - l was just going to say l have to go now.
- Me too.
Love you and leave you, as they say.
''Love you and leave you.
'' That's a good one! l'll write that down.
Anyway, l'll see you around.
- Not if l see you first! - Please.
Enough with the idioms, now.
Yeah? Yeah.
OK, Rachel.
lf you want to hop up on the table.
Make yourself comfortable.
OK.
Cor! Sex during daylight.
lt's weird, isn't it? lt feels a bit kinky! Do you think it's illegal? l don't think so, no.
Maybe it should be, eh? Oh, go on.
Arrest me, Officer.
(Phone rings) Bugger.
Hello? - lt's me.
- Pete? - What are you up to? - l see whatshisname's still here.
- How do you know? - Well, l'm stood outside by his car.
Right.
Listen, his name's Robert.
Ah, l see.
Well, can you tell Robert to sling his hook? Because l'd like to bring my son back inside.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, give us five minutes, all right? Walk round the block or something.
Ta.
Sorry.
The Pleasure Police.
You've got to go.
Penny for them? lt's nothing.
Having regrets? No.
A guilty conscience, then? l'm a married man, Jessica.
l've got three children.
l'm bound to feel a little guilty.
But you said your wife doesn't understand you.
- Well, she doesn't, but - David What's happened between us was inevitable.
You know that.
You can't fight an attraction like that.
lt's like trying to fight the tides of the sea or the changing of the seasons.
Will all those in favour of this motion please raise their hands and say ''aye''? l'm sorry? l said All those in favour of this motion, raise their hands and say ''aye''.
ALL: Aye.
Aye.
Motion carried unanimously.
Does everyone know where they're leafleting? ALL: Yes.
- Right.
That's it.
Thanks very much, everyone.
- Fancy a drink? - Sorry? So we can just go over a few things? Yes Yes, all right.
DAVlD: 28? Higher.
- 29? - Up.
- Not 30? - 32.
32? Well, l am amazed.
David, you old smoothie! - So, when's the big day? - Oh.
Next Saturday.
A week to go, and then that's it.
F 39 plus 1 .
Well, who said, ''Age is just a number''? - Some 1 6-year-old, probably! - (Laughs) You're lucky.
You're a man.
Men get better with age, like wine.
Women just go off, like a pint of milk.
Oh, l can't imagine you ever going off.
There you go again.
More flattery.
- So, where's the party? - Party? Well, you are a mature man, in the prime of your life, with lots to celebrate.
lt's your 40th.
You've got to have a party.
A party? Yes.
A 40th party.
- You mean a dinner party? - No, not a stuffy old dinner party.
l mean a proper party.
You know, with music and dancing and cocktails and laughter.
(Chuckles) Do you really think that's a good idea? Karen, l'm a mature man in the prime of life.
l've got a great deal to celebrate.
Hey, is there booze at these community meetings? No, of course not.
Why? Well, it's just that the last time we had a party, you spent the entire evening running round emptying ashtrays, putting coasters under beer cans.
You were in bed by 1 1 :30.
ln fact, you are the only person l know who phoned the police to complain about their own party.
Yeah, well, this'll be different.
l won't mind the noise.
l just don't want to ''go gently into that good night''.
David, you're only 40.
Exactly.
Of course, it's up to you.
l mean, if you can't face it Well, l've just given birth to twins, my parents' marriage is crumbling before my eyes But, hey, if you want to celebrate Great.
l'll draw up a list.
- A party? - You mean a dinner party? No, a proper party, with snogging and wine stains on the carpet.
The bad news is, it's fancy dress.
Oh, my God! l hate fancy dress.
Why can't people just try and look nice? What's the theme, then? Stockbrokers through the ages? Film stars.
David's idea of fun.
He doesn't want us to think that, now he's 40, he's an anally retentive old fart.
- Even if he is.
- Exactly.
David's been 40 since he was six.
This is the man whose idea of a wild stag night was a fondue evening.
''Feeling jaded? Worried that life's passing you by? Why not check out our checklist of 30 essential things to do by the time you're 30?'' But l'm 39.
You've got a nine-year advantage, then.
OK.
Question one.
Have you ever spent the night in a police cell? Of course not.
- Question two.
Snorkelled naked? - No.
Three.
Have you had sex with two or more people? - Yes! - You're joking? Yeah, way more than two.
Hasn't everyone? At the same time? Oh, l see.
Right.
Right.
Well, no.
Have you? Hasn't everyone? - Ever been in a band? - Erno.
- Danced all night in the open air? - No.
- Run out of a restaurant without paying? - No.
- Owned a motorbike? - Yeah.
- You owned a motorbike? - Yeah, an old Triumph.
Bonneville.
Beautiful, beautiful thing, it was.
Yeah, l used to do a ton down the A25, stopping off for egg and chips at a greasy spoon near Dorking, living only for the moment - you know.
Just wild and free and lawless.
- What happened? - l traded it in for a Volvo.
- Ever shaved your head? - No.
- Shaved body hair? - No.
- Been to a strip club? - No.
- No? - No.
- Question 1 6.
- No.
- Question 1 8.
- Nonono (As Jimmy Savile) Here we go with question 21 .
No Oh, come off it! - 23.
- Nono - 27.
- Nono Never.
And finally, question 30.
Had a passionate affair? And l think we can safely say the answer to that isno.
- Any points for a ''maybe''? - You're kidding? Yeah, l've contemplated it, had fantasies.
You know.
Who hasn't? David, you dark horse! Who with? No-one you know.
Anyway, don't be so surprised.
l'm only flesh and blood.
Not according to this survey.
Yeah.
One out of 30.
What did you score? Erm21 and a half.
l'm the living dead! l walk and l breathe and l talk, but to all intents and purposes, l'm dead.
You name it, l haven't done it.
Ah, don't be daft.
This is just a stupid survey.
This isn't a life - it's a rum commercial.
- You got 21 and a half.
- Yeah, well, l lied about eight of those, including that ''sex with two or more people'' thing.
lt's a pretty bad show, though.
l don't want Josh saying, ''Daddy, what was the most reckless thing you've ever done?'' And l have to say to him, ''Well, son, in 1 982, l had a pee in a lay-by.
'' - But you've done loads of things l haven't.
- Well, name one.
A career.
Financial security.
Got married.
Had a family.
Yeah, sorry, Adam.
l wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it.
How was it? Well, ermactually, it was pretty amazing.
Ooh, it was horrible.
l mean, not painful, but uncomfortable.
Clinical.
They tell you it's a bit like conception - you know, because the embryos are going back in, and oh, it's the start of a new lifemaybe.
Oh, and they tell you you can play your favourite record - you know, something relaxing and romantic.
We couldn't even get that right! (High-pitched screeching) - Problems? - What is this noise? - Dolphin songs.
- Does anyone actually like it? - Not even dolphins.
Ermyou couldn't throw this on, could you? Marvin Gaye.
Good choice.
Well! Ah, it's nice to have something personal.
QUEEN: l Want To Break Free - What the? (Guitar solo) Pete, please turn it down! - l can't bear Queen.
- Sorry.
Bohemian Rhapsody? That's got some quieter bits.
God knows l want to break free Actually, l think we'll stick with the dolphins.
So, there l am, with my legs in stirrups, and all l can hear are these bloody dolphins.
And there's Adam, holding my hand, trying desperately to appear relaxed and calm - You were there? - Oh, yes.
How did it go? Well, you know, l like to think l was pretty cool about it.
Great work! Brilliant! Keep it going.
- Adam, could we talk about something else? - What? l don't know.
Aren't you meant to recite poetry or something? Poetry? Erm l'm afraid l'm going to have to open up your cervix a bit wider.
(Adam whimpers) That must have been agony.
Not agony.
Having the eggs out in the first place - that was agony.
And injecting myself with hormones wasn't much fun, either.
- lnjecting what? - Fertility hormones.
Blimey! What was that like? - How was your day, gorgeous girl? - (Screams) Don't touch me! - lt just made me a bit irritable.
- Bollocks! Terrifying.
Absolutely bloody terrifying.
(Crockery smashing) Bollocks! Poor Rachel.
Yeah, l know.
Poor Rachel.
She's the one that has to go through all of this.
l should be so bloody grateful to that woman.
And all that pain And l don't just mean emotional pain.
l mean pain pain.
All that being pulled about and prodded.
And all l can do is just watch and make stupid jokes.
Try and keep her smiling and .
.
wait.
And hanging over us the whole time is this statistic.
One in five.
There's just a one-in-five chance of it working.
- Really? - Yeah.
l mean, if it was a horse, you wouldn't bet on it, would you? Certainly not 4,000 quid a go.
When do you find out? - Two weeks.
- And if it doesn't Work? lf it doesn't work, we'll justtry again.
(Ringing and jangling) Good morning.
ls it? Where are the aspirin? - Hangover? - Migraine.
Never a hangover.
Always a migraine.
Josh, darling, that is delightful, but is there any way you think you could do it somewhere else? (Jangling) What if l gave you £5? Mum! Josh, darling, it's absolutely beautiful.
You carry on.
By the way, Dad called again last night.
l told him you were out with ''friends''.
He wants you to call him back later.
- Does he, now? - You will, won't you? - ln my own time.
- Oh, please.
Anyway, l can't tonight.
Felix is taking me out to a party.
- What, again? - Well, what can l say? He enjoys my company.
A lot more than your father does, anyway.
(Muffled drumbeat) - What are you doing? - What? What are you doing? Sorting out the music for the party.
(Music through speakers) ''The Best Of lbiza Uncovered.
'' ''Two CDs of nonstop, bangin' house anthems.
'' Do you remember that lovely holiday we had years ago in lbiza? (Grunts) And there's this.
''Underground Ga-rage.
'' - Actually, l think it's pronounced ''ga-ridge''.
- ls it? - What are these for? - l thought the young guests might like it.
We haven't got any young guests, have we? (Stops CD) Oh, well.
Yet another youth movement passes over David Marsden's head.
Well, that's because you're not a youth.
Anyway, you'd look ridiculous dancing on a podium.
Hmm.
When l was 1 8, punk exploded, and what was l into? Economics at Durham University.
When glam rock was all the rage, my one ambition in life was to be on Ask The Family.
Well, you never know.
Maybe Vivaldi will make a big comeback.
- (Wailing) - Josh! - What's going on? - Look what he did to me.
You little monster! - What have you done to him? - Nothing.
He wouldn't stop playing that wretched thing, so l gave him a smack, and he dumped his Choc Pops all over me.
You smacked him? How dare you hit Josh? - lt was just a tap on the legs.
- David, take Josh next door.
Come on, Joshie.
Come and explain garage to Daddy.
l smacked you when you were little.
And it never harmed me? l know you smacked me.
l remember it.
- Only when you deserved it.
- No, actually! Not always when l deserved it.
So, now, all of a sudden, l'm a bad mother? Oh, don't be ridiculous! But that is not the point.
You are a guest in my house, and l will not have my son screamed at and frightened by you! - Oh, hi, Pete.
- Can l borrow Adam? - Borrow? - Well, not borrow.
Eryou know, see him.
Take him for a walk round the playground.
What, now? Well, er in the next 1 5 minutes.
Well, he's a bit busy at the moment.
Busy? He's three years old.
How can he be busy? Potato prints.
Potato prints.
Right.
Erwell, l can wait.
Right.
Well, give us a sec.
l'll come with you.
(Shouts) No! Er No, no, no.
Youdon't worry.
You put your feet up, love.
Right.
Buenas tardes, señorita.
El tiempo està muybueno.
El tiempo està mumuy (Confidently) El tiempo està muy bueno.
We can't stay long, because we've got to go back and have something to eat.
And if you're good, we can have ice cream.
Bingo! Ah, Ramona! Buenas tardes, señorita.
El tiempo està muy bueno OK, l think we speak English now.
Yeah? Eryeah.
Rock Hard rock Brit-pop Synth-pop Brass-heavy instrumental Feeling funky? (Stops CD) Oh, sorry.
(Panting) l got a bit carried away.
Yeah, the music's organised, guests invited.
Everyone except Pete.
- What, you're not inviting Pete? - Well, he's been a bit depressed recently Well, not inviting him won't cheer him up.
l know, but l'd just rather not have anyone weeping in the corner, you know.
Besides, if we all keep shtoom, he need never know.
David, is there any chance you could give me a lift into town? - l need to pick up a few things for tonight.
- Mum, can we have a word, please? No, later, darling.
l really must catch the shops.
Well, l'm glad we got that one sorted out.
ln a fight, who do you think would win? My Adam or your Josh? Josh, definitely.
l mean, look at him.
He has got the killer size, you know.
Like his father.
Yeah, but my Adam, he has the strength and the stamina of a panther.
ADAM: l got it off him! - Well done.
l got it! Do you fancy er Do you fancy going for a drink sometime? Yeah.
OK.
That would be nice.
Ermhow about Saturday? No, but l'm going to see you on Saturday, anyway.
- Are you? How come? - Well, David's birthday party.
- Who told you about it? - Why? Was it meant to be a secret? - No, it's just a little get-together.
- That's not what l heard.
l heard fancy dress.
- You're very well informed.
- l have my sources.
Well, if you really want to go, have a word with David.
Heythen you, me and Robert can get together beforehand, have a chat, have a laugh go bowling, maybe.
No, l've got a date for Saturday night.
- Really? Who's that, then? - Oh, nobody you know.
Oh, you look nice.
Who's the lucky man? Oh, nobody you know.
We're going dancing! Dancing? Dancing? Oh, yeah, l remember dancing.
- Whee! - How do l look? - Are those my shoes? - You don't mind, do you? Well, it would be nice to be asked.
Well, you're not going anywhere, are you? - Funnily enough, no.
- lt wouldn't hurt you to say something nice.
Haven't we been here before, Mum? About 20 years ago.
Except, l was standing there, and you (Door buzzer) - Oh, that'll be Felix.
l'll be back late.
Don't wait up.
l'd better go, too.
You have fun, yeah? Oh, l know: l'll defrost the freezer.
(Machine bleeping) - ls there something different about you tonight? - No.
- Are you wearing hairspray? - A touch of gel, maybe.
- ls that perfume? - lt's aftershave.
- Have you got mascara on? - Get stuffed.
Peter Gifford, have you got a date? - Maybe.
- A date! You've got a date! Who? Tell me.
- No.
- Why not? Oh, is it somebody l know? - l can't.
lt's a secret.
- We don't have any secrets.
Tell me.
- No.
- Tell me.
Tell me.
- No! - Tell me.
l'll tell you what.
You come out with me next Saturday, and you can meet her.
Next Saturday? Ernext Saturday's tricky, actually, because erwe're going out to a new restaurant with some of Rachel's friends.
You know, Jane and erm Julie and erPatricia.
Sorry.
- Next Saturday? - That's right.
- To a restaurant? - Uh-huh.
Who are those people, again? ErJane and erJacqueline and ermAudrey.
- So, you know about David's 40th, then? - Yeah.
Sorry.
l was going to tell you, but David thought it might be awkward.
No, no, that's all right.
l don't mindbeing a social leper.
Ooh, is that the time? Debo ir.
Estoy atrasado.
- What? - Gotta go.
Can't keep the lady waiting.
Tell me! Salsa RAMONA: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Uno, dos Ah! How am l doing? - Yeah.
Not bad, you know, for an Englishman! - Huh! Yeah.
You just need to, you know descongelar tus caderas.
Desconwhat? Eh? - You know, ermdefrost your pelvis.
- Oh, right.
l'll give it a go.
(Laughs) Bravo! OK, now it's your turn to lead me.
l thought l was leading you.
No, l think l was leading you.
How about this? Whoo! That was pretty good, you know? Pretty good.
Slow, romantic tune God, did we really dance to this? You did.
l didn't.
School discos, 1 982.
Neil Greenwood rubbing his erection against my hip through his burgundy Sta-Prest.
Urgh! Horrible.
l was led to believe that girls rather liked that.
Oh, dream on, lover-boy.
That's where a lot of today's clubs go wrong.
No slow dances.
- ls that right, David? (Door opens) Heather? - What time is it? - Nine o'clock.
You stay here.
You've come to gloat, have you? No, of course not.
l'm just sorry you didn't have a good time, that's all.
- What happened? - lt was just too awful.
Oh, come on.
What can be that bad? You promise you won't tell David? Of course.
Well, all right.
l suppose you're old enough.
HEATHER: We were having a perfectly nice time, a lovely evening, at this couple's house, when they excused themselves for some reason and disappeared off upstairs.
And Felix leaned over to me and whispered Oh, God! lt's just too embarrassing.
Go on.
He asked me if l'd ever .
.
swung.
Swung? - What, you mean - Yeah.
Yes, you know.
Swung.
Like alike a swinger.
(Laughs) Oh, my God! What did you say? Well - She punched him? - Yeah.
You saw the size of the rings on her hand.
Oh, well, that's just wonderful.
- What? - He's a client, Karen, a very important client.
David, he insulted her.
What did you expect her to do? Well, couldn't she just have said, ''Thanks, but no, thanks''? God, l don't believe you.
- Darlingl can't seem to find the tonic water.
- l'll be down in a minute, Mum.
l'll be back later.
Don't bother waiting up for me.
Oh, by the wayphone Pete.
ANSWERlNG MACHlNE: You have one message.
Message one.
Hi, David.
lt's Pete l mean, Pete, it's David, obviously.
Erit slipped my mind, but l meant to tell you there's a party next Saturday.
Our house.
40th party.
My 40th.
Bring a friend, if you'd like, and do come.
Well, ermsee you then, maybe.
(Bleep) - You're sure this is what you want, Mum? - Yes, l'm sure.
You're more than welcome to stay, you know.
Oh, thanks, but l'd better get backbefore my tan fades.
- Bye, Josh.
- Bye.
You keep practising the xylophone.
Bye-bye, darling.
And thanks - for everything.
David, am l going to have to carry all of these bags myself? l'll tell you why Princess Leia kept falling into the Federation's clutches.
Too busy doing her sodding hair.
Wow! Strangely arousing.
You're not bad yourself.
- You still want me to come? - Of course l do.
l'm not gonna get beaten up by all your friends? l can't guarantee that.
So, who's gonna be there, then? Well, there's birthday boy David, of course.
You know about David.
He's all right.
Needs to get that broom handle out of his arse, but he's a decent bloke.
(Grunts) And Karen.
Everyone loves Karen.
Always there for you.
Adam's all right.
Not quite as cool as he thinks he is, but he's been a good mate to me and Pete.
Anyway, Adam's blissfully happy with Rachel.
You'll probably fancy Rachel.
Everyone fancies Rachel.
Even l fancy Rachel.
She's gorgeous.
(Sighs) What about Pete? l sort of hoped Pete wouldn't come.
Whatever.
l can't pretend l'm happy about this, Ramona.
Oh, for goodness' sake, David! Honestly! Put you in a little bit of leather! We need her to serve the drinks and snacks.
Look, l told you: l am a trained, professional nanny, not a waitress.
Besides, l have other plans tonight.
l'm sure Manchester's men can manage for one night.
David! - lgnore him, Ramona.
You have some fun.
(Door buzzer) - Hello.
- Well, l'd better go now.
See you.
Oh, bye, Ramona.
Have a nice time.
- Hello.
- l'm a friend of David's.
- Jessica, come in.
Come in.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
Happy birthday.
- Am l early? - Thank you.
Not at all, no.
Well, just a bit.
Come through.
Come through.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
My car changed into a submarine.
That's fine.
May l just say, Rachel, you look particularly gorgeous this evening? Come on.
ln you come.
- Can l get you a banana? - Mmm! - Rachel? - How did you guess? - Gosh! Adam.
- Who are you? - Well, isn't it obvious? - Some gay porn star? No, l'm Mad Max.
Of course.
Mad Max.
lt's uncanny.
So, which one are you, then? Lazenby? Moore? Brosnan? - Connery, of course.
- Not much of a costume, though, is it? That's the great thing about Bond.
(As Sean Connery) Maximum style, minimum effort.
- Right.
Through you go.
(Door buzzer) - Hi! - Oh, wow! Come in.
(Laughs) Come in, Miranda! Ah, great to see you.
Nice costume.
Thanks.
lt was the only thing l could think of to stop people talking to me.
l'll tell you what.
lf it gets too much, or if David ever suggests we play Twister, l'll smuggle you out.
- Thanks.
- Right.
Well, here we all are, then.
So, erTwister, anyone? Drink? Disco (Both laughing) Excuse me.
Karen, l was wondering if it's a good time for charades.
Let's not peak too early, eh? Or that game with a spoon on a piece of string.
- David, who's the little tramp? - What? The little tramp.
Karen, l think that's a little unfair Oh, l see.
Charlie Chaplin? Ermthat's Jessica.
You've never mentioned her before.
- Well, you don't mention everyone you meet.
- That's cos l never meet anyone, David.
No, she just chairs the residents' protest group.
That's all.
She's big in the local Labour Party.
Oh.
You really are in with the in-crowd, aren't you? - Hey, gorgeous girl! Ladyshave not working? - Ha-ha.
No, you are the best-looking woman here.
ln fact, weird as it sounds, l could really quite fancy you in that.
RACHEL: You know you're a pervert? - l bet it's hot and sweaty in there.
Bet it is.
Maybe we could go upstairs and cool off for a while.
l could be David Attenborough, and you could erm Or not.
- That's a nice ''shuit'' you've got there.
- l beg your pardon? Ah, hello, Mish Moneypenny lt's Sean Connery, right? l thought you had a speech impediment.
(Laughs) Yeah, it's funny.
Sean Connery is one of those impressions that everyone thinks they can do really well, but actually, no-one can do properly.
Exactly.
l'ml'm Robert, Jenny's new friend.
l'm Adam, Pete's old friend.
Hey! Look at you two! How are you getting on? All right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like a house on fire.
Robert's been running through some of his impressions.
Right.
That's nice.
- l'm just gonna get a drink.
- You've got a drink.
Yeah.
A different kind of drink.
Excuse me.
- God, l could smack you sometimes.
- What have l done now? You know what you've done.
You've got that ''l've just peed in the paddling pool'' smirk.
- Your new boyfriend is absolutely gorgeous! - Thank you, Rachel.
- Judas.
- Adam? - Just being loyal to a friend.
- Just being a prat.
Adam Williams, 007.
Licensed to piss people off.
Oh, right.
So, if Pete had a new girlfriend, l suppose you'd be nice to her as well? Yeah, of course l would.
l'd be charming.
Oh, hi.
Hello, everyone! - Oh, my God! - So, is there somewhere l can put my sword? - l don't believe it.
l don't bloody believe it.
- What's up? That's the nanny.
Pete's getting off with the nanny.
So? So, he should have told me.
Well, maybe he thought it was time to move on.
That's what you wanted.
Would you shut up and stop being so reasonable? - You're jealous, aren't you? - Don't be ridiculous.
l don't get jealous.
So, who is that masked man? lt's me.
- So, what do you think? Do you approve? - Ramona? Of course.
l mean, don't tell Rachel, obviously, but the thought has crossed my mind once or twice.
l think you put the wind up Jenny, though.
That wasn't your intention, was it? No.
- Would l do a thing like that? - No.
BOTH: Yeah.
PETE: So, that's him, is it? The good-looking one? Ah, he's nothing special.
No.
No, he's not, is he? - Well, this is a turn-up for the books.
- What? You don't like him? No, l think Pete's a lovely guy.
l'm just not sure it was the best time to announce it.
Ah, Ramona.
So glad you could make it after all.
l come as Pete's guest, OK? That's all.
We needed her for the children's bath.
lt's very inconvenient.
All right, all right.
Don't get madMax.
(Both laugh) - Mad? l'm livid.
- Here.
Take this.
Red wine on the sofa.
Oh, what is wrong with these people? Well, l think you make a lovely couple.
Yeah.
You know, Pete's a nice guy, and erwe're having fun.
So, we'll just see what happens.
Yeah? Karen? Jenny! - Ramona! Hola! - Hola! (Mouths) Be nice.
- You must be Pete.
- That's right.
- l'm - Robert.
l know.
Nice to meet you.
Jenny talks about you a lot.
That's probably because she's my wife.
Now, if you'll excuse me, l'm going for a slash.
- (Drunkenly) l bloody love Spain.
- Oh, yeah? Have you been? Many, many times, Ramona.
Well, just the once, actually.
Alicante.
Pete's idea.
Didn't get to see much, though.
Pete fell asleep on the beach, second day.
Burnt his back.
Like pork crackling, it was.
Yeah.
Two weeks in a hotel, watching shite Spanish TV, and eating omelettes with potatoes in.
Yeah, well, excuse me.
Erml have to go to the toilet now.
(Gun bleeps) - (Ramona groans) - How's it going? Oh, terrible.
How about you? - Rotten.
- Do you need the loo? - No, no, just an excuse to get away.
- Yeah.
Me too! - You know what we could do? - Oh, yeah.
Do you fancy it? l think so.
But you have everything that we need? - Oh, yes.
- Well, then, come with me.
Hi.
Pete! Look, it's probably best not to touch that.
- How do you put the CD on? - A lot of thought went into that compilation.
Dios mÃo! Mira todos estos à lbumes del Genesis.
(Laughs) What? Su gusto en música es tan malo como su gusto en ropa.
(Both laugh) - What? What are you saying? - Trust me, David.
Here we go.
Señorita? Gracias.
Latin rhythm Oh, yes! ls that Ramona? (Cheering) Oh, Pete and Ramona - weren't they great? (Dully) Yeah, yeah.
They were great.
- Look, have you seen Rachel? - No, l haven't.
All right.
Back in a minute.
Hello, David.
Hello, ermJessica.
l just wanted some air for a moment.
A bit woozy from the cocktails! - (Chuckles) - You don't mind? Not at all.
Not at all.
Great party.
Oh, thanks.
Welll'd better be getting back.
David, you're so funny! - Am l? - Don't be so twitchy and formal.
Relax.
Come on.
Dance with me.
Oh, actually, that isn't my kind of thing.
Oh, come on! Are you hiding? Yeah, l am.
lf you're nervous about David forcing us to play charades, l think the danger's past.
Come on, darling.
Are you worried? A bit.
l thought coming here would take my mind off it, but Adam, what if it doesn't work? - Why wouldn't it work? - Well, it doesn't usually.
Yeah, but it will eventually.
What if we run out of money? Ermeasy.
We'll sell all your stuff.
Or l'll sell my body.
We'll manage.
What if it never works? Hey, you.
l thought we agreed to be positive, huh? Sorry.
Sorry.
You're right.
- Coming downstairs? - Yeah.
Yeah, l am.
l just want to get out of this bloody suit.
Will you help me? Wo-ho! l'd love to! Oh! No, no! - What's the matter with you? - (Groans) l'm sitting on my gun.
(As Connery) The Walther PPK.
Small.
Deadly.
Compact.
Rather like you, in fact.
(Laughing) Do you know, l think l've had a little bit too much to drink! Me too, l suppose.
ls your head spinning? - Uh-huh.
- Mine too.
Happy birthday, David.
Oh, my God! Someone was watching.
- What? Who? - Rachel! Rachel saw us! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Rachel! Rachel, a word.
MAN: What? You're not Rachel.
Who are you, then? King Kong.
Mad Max, yeah? Take it off.
Your head - take it off.
- Who the hell are you? - Steve.
Why? Who are you? (Sighs) Thank you.
Hello, birthday boy.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine, fine.
Just feeling a little light-headed.
That's all.
Not too light-headed for a dance, l hope.
Mellow soul Make the music louder Fatten up the bass And everybody sing along l ain't goin' nowhere Enjoying your party? Yeah, it's fun.
Sort of.
l'll tell you - there's one thing that does rather annoy me, though.
What's that? - No, it's probably a bit mean.
- What? Presents.
Hardly anyone's brought me a present.
Oh, l am really sorry.
l haven't had time to go to the shops.
No, not you.
l mean our friends.
You know, Rachel and Adam, Jenny and Pete.
- David, you didn't even invite Pete.
- For his own good.
l mean, you spend all this money on a party, you expect something back on the presents.
(Footsteps on the stairs) l think people have got other things on their mind at the moment.
Yeah, l suppose so.
DAVlD: Oh, God KAREN: Oh, God Make us a cup of tea.
- Aren't you getting up? - l can't move.
l need tea.
Do l have to? ''Come on, Karen.
'' ''Let's have a party, Karen.
'' ''l'll help tidy up, Karen.
'' (Groans) All right.
l'll go.
How disgusting! Oh! ''To David.
Drive safely.
Love, Pete, Jenny, Adam, Rachel, Karen, Ramona, Josh and the twins.
'' Happy birthday, David.
Oh, l don't believe it! Give us a kiss, then.
Hard rock (Engine roars)
Aaargh! You see this guy? (Gargling and humming) - Champagne, sir.
- Thank you.
ln you go.
There's the ice bucket over there.
Thank you.
Any change? No change.
(Knock at door) - Hold on a minute.
Romantic music - Come in.
You lookbeautiful.
Thanks.
l have the best of everything This is amazing.
How much did it cost? Ah, tonight money is no object.
But l'd stay clear of the mini-bar, if l were you.
Four quid for a jar of peanuts, £1 .
50 for KitKats.
Not that you'll be wanting a KitKat, because tonight, Rachel Bradley RACHEL: Oh, wow! Mmm.
Notice a theme here? Asparagus, lobster, oysters.
They're all - Aphrodisiacs? - Correct.
What about the chips? - lf you eat enough of them, apparently.
- You know the doctor said no sex? l know.
.
.
can only love you More and more Where are the words to tell you What are you thinking about? l was just wondering how to fit this dressing gown into my suitcase.
How about you? Nothing, really.
Thanks for all this.
Well, it's a special occasion.
Yeah, l suppose so.
- You're not nervous, are you, about tomorrow? - No.
No, not now.
The worst part's over, isn't it? lt's not like it's a proper operation.
lt's a - Procedure.
- A procedure.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's for tomorrow.
Let'slet's enjoy tonight.
Yeah.
Hiya.
Oh, l don't believe it.
- Who did that to you, Adam? - Him.
Right, come on.
l'm gonna sort this out.
Yeah? - Excuse me.
Have you seen what your son's - Oh.
- Oh.
- Hi, Pete.
- Oh, hello.
- l'm really sorry, you know.
ls he OK? Eryeah, l think so.
A bit sticky.
Josh, you tell your dad he owes me 60 pence.
- How do you think they defrost it? - What? My sperm.
Do they leave it on the radiator, or get it out of the freezer the night before, like a leg of lamb? lt's hardly a leg of lamb.
More like frozen yoghurt! (Laughs nervously) - Rachel, Adam, we're ready for you now.
- Thanks.
Adam, are you sure you want to go through with this? l mean l don't want you to faint, you know, or go squeamish or anything.
l wouldn't miss it for the world.
Anyway, it's only right that l'm present at conception.
All right.
So long as you don't fall asleep straight afterwards.
(Distinctly) So, you come to playground often? RAMONA: Yeah, most days at three o'clock.
- ls welcome break for Karen.
Yes? - Mmm.
- You obviously godsend for Karen.
- (Laughs) - Why are you laughing? - You're doing what David does.
Because l'm Spanish, he thinks it's helpful to talk really slow and loud, like l'm a bloody idiot! Well, if it's any consolation, that's how he talks to me.
And he also does this thing where he uses - what are they called? - idioms, all the time, like it's really helpful.
Like, ''Many hands make light work, Ramona.
'' ''lt's an ill wind that blows no good.
'' And ''lt's raining cats and dogs, Ramona.
'' And No, l can't think of another one.
- So, is - Anyway Sorry.
You were going to say? - l was just going to say l have to go now.
- Me too.
Love you and leave you, as they say.
''Love you and leave you.
'' That's a good one! l'll write that down.
Anyway, l'll see you around.
- Not if l see you first! - Please.
Enough with the idioms, now.
Yeah? Yeah.
OK, Rachel.
lf you want to hop up on the table.
Make yourself comfortable.
OK.
Cor! Sex during daylight.
lt's weird, isn't it? lt feels a bit kinky! Do you think it's illegal? l don't think so, no.
Maybe it should be, eh? Oh, go on.
Arrest me, Officer.
(Phone rings) Bugger.
Hello? - lt's me.
- Pete? - What are you up to? - l see whatshisname's still here.
- How do you know? - Well, l'm stood outside by his car.
Right.
Listen, his name's Robert.
Ah, l see.
Well, can you tell Robert to sling his hook? Because l'd like to bring my son back inside.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, give us five minutes, all right? Walk round the block or something.
Ta.
Sorry.
The Pleasure Police.
You've got to go.
Penny for them? lt's nothing.
Having regrets? No.
A guilty conscience, then? l'm a married man, Jessica.
l've got three children.
l'm bound to feel a little guilty.
But you said your wife doesn't understand you.
- Well, she doesn't, but - David What's happened between us was inevitable.
You know that.
You can't fight an attraction like that.
lt's like trying to fight the tides of the sea or the changing of the seasons.
Will all those in favour of this motion please raise their hands and say ''aye''? l'm sorry? l said All those in favour of this motion, raise their hands and say ''aye''.
ALL: Aye.
Aye.
Motion carried unanimously.
Does everyone know where they're leafleting? ALL: Yes.
- Right.
That's it.
Thanks very much, everyone.
- Fancy a drink? - Sorry? So we can just go over a few things? Yes Yes, all right.
DAVlD: 28? Higher.
- 29? - Up.
- Not 30? - 32.
32? Well, l am amazed.
David, you old smoothie! - So, when's the big day? - Oh.
Next Saturday.
A week to go, and then that's it.
F 39 plus 1 .
Well, who said, ''Age is just a number''? - Some 1 6-year-old, probably! - (Laughs) You're lucky.
You're a man.
Men get better with age, like wine.
Women just go off, like a pint of milk.
Oh, l can't imagine you ever going off.
There you go again.
More flattery.
- So, where's the party? - Party? Well, you are a mature man, in the prime of your life, with lots to celebrate.
lt's your 40th.
You've got to have a party.
A party? Yes.
A 40th party.
- You mean a dinner party? - No, not a stuffy old dinner party.
l mean a proper party.
You know, with music and dancing and cocktails and laughter.
(Chuckles) Do you really think that's a good idea? Karen, l'm a mature man in the prime of life.
l've got a great deal to celebrate.
Hey, is there booze at these community meetings? No, of course not.
Why? Well, it's just that the last time we had a party, you spent the entire evening running round emptying ashtrays, putting coasters under beer cans.
You were in bed by 1 1 :30.
ln fact, you are the only person l know who phoned the police to complain about their own party.
Yeah, well, this'll be different.
l won't mind the noise.
l just don't want to ''go gently into that good night''.
David, you're only 40.
Exactly.
Of course, it's up to you.
l mean, if you can't face it Well, l've just given birth to twins, my parents' marriage is crumbling before my eyes But, hey, if you want to celebrate Great.
l'll draw up a list.
- A party? - You mean a dinner party? No, a proper party, with snogging and wine stains on the carpet.
The bad news is, it's fancy dress.
Oh, my God! l hate fancy dress.
Why can't people just try and look nice? What's the theme, then? Stockbrokers through the ages? Film stars.
David's idea of fun.
He doesn't want us to think that, now he's 40, he's an anally retentive old fart.
- Even if he is.
- Exactly.
David's been 40 since he was six.
This is the man whose idea of a wild stag night was a fondue evening.
''Feeling jaded? Worried that life's passing you by? Why not check out our checklist of 30 essential things to do by the time you're 30?'' But l'm 39.
You've got a nine-year advantage, then.
OK.
Question one.
Have you ever spent the night in a police cell? Of course not.
- Question two.
Snorkelled naked? - No.
Three.
Have you had sex with two or more people? - Yes! - You're joking? Yeah, way more than two.
Hasn't everyone? At the same time? Oh, l see.
Right.
Right.
Well, no.
Have you? Hasn't everyone? - Ever been in a band? - Erno.
- Danced all night in the open air? - No.
- Run out of a restaurant without paying? - No.
- Owned a motorbike? - Yeah.
- You owned a motorbike? - Yeah, an old Triumph.
Bonneville.
Beautiful, beautiful thing, it was.
Yeah, l used to do a ton down the A25, stopping off for egg and chips at a greasy spoon near Dorking, living only for the moment - you know.
Just wild and free and lawless.
- What happened? - l traded it in for a Volvo.
- Ever shaved your head? - No.
- Shaved body hair? - No.
- Been to a strip club? - No.
- No? - No.
- Question 1 6.
- No.
- Question 1 8.
- Nonono (As Jimmy Savile) Here we go with question 21 .
No Oh, come off it! - 23.
- Nono - 27.
- Nono Never.
And finally, question 30.
Had a passionate affair? And l think we can safely say the answer to that isno.
- Any points for a ''maybe''? - You're kidding? Yeah, l've contemplated it, had fantasies.
You know.
Who hasn't? David, you dark horse! Who with? No-one you know.
Anyway, don't be so surprised.
l'm only flesh and blood.
Not according to this survey.
Yeah.
One out of 30.
What did you score? Erm21 and a half.
l'm the living dead! l walk and l breathe and l talk, but to all intents and purposes, l'm dead.
You name it, l haven't done it.
Ah, don't be daft.
This is just a stupid survey.
This isn't a life - it's a rum commercial.
- You got 21 and a half.
- Yeah, well, l lied about eight of those, including that ''sex with two or more people'' thing.
lt's a pretty bad show, though.
l don't want Josh saying, ''Daddy, what was the most reckless thing you've ever done?'' And l have to say to him, ''Well, son, in 1 982, l had a pee in a lay-by.
'' - But you've done loads of things l haven't.
- Well, name one.
A career.
Financial security.
Got married.
Had a family.
Yeah, sorry, Adam.
l wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it.
How was it? Well, ermactually, it was pretty amazing.
Ooh, it was horrible.
l mean, not painful, but uncomfortable.
Clinical.
They tell you it's a bit like conception - you know, because the embryos are going back in, and oh, it's the start of a new lifemaybe.
Oh, and they tell you you can play your favourite record - you know, something relaxing and romantic.
We couldn't even get that right! (High-pitched screeching) - Problems? - What is this noise? - Dolphin songs.
- Does anyone actually like it? - Not even dolphins.
Ermyou couldn't throw this on, could you? Marvin Gaye.
Good choice.
Well! Ah, it's nice to have something personal.
QUEEN: l Want To Break Free - What the? (Guitar solo) Pete, please turn it down! - l can't bear Queen.
- Sorry.
Bohemian Rhapsody? That's got some quieter bits.
God knows l want to break free Actually, l think we'll stick with the dolphins.
So, there l am, with my legs in stirrups, and all l can hear are these bloody dolphins.
And there's Adam, holding my hand, trying desperately to appear relaxed and calm - You were there? - Oh, yes.
How did it go? Well, you know, l like to think l was pretty cool about it.
Great work! Brilliant! Keep it going.
- Adam, could we talk about something else? - What? l don't know.
Aren't you meant to recite poetry or something? Poetry? Erm l'm afraid l'm going to have to open up your cervix a bit wider.
(Adam whimpers) That must have been agony.
Not agony.
Having the eggs out in the first place - that was agony.
And injecting myself with hormones wasn't much fun, either.
- lnjecting what? - Fertility hormones.
Blimey! What was that like? - How was your day, gorgeous girl? - (Screams) Don't touch me! - lt just made me a bit irritable.
- Bollocks! Terrifying.
Absolutely bloody terrifying.
(Crockery smashing) Bollocks! Poor Rachel.
Yeah, l know.
Poor Rachel.
She's the one that has to go through all of this.
l should be so bloody grateful to that woman.
And all that pain And l don't just mean emotional pain.
l mean pain pain.
All that being pulled about and prodded.
And all l can do is just watch and make stupid jokes.
Try and keep her smiling and .
.
wait.
And hanging over us the whole time is this statistic.
One in five.
There's just a one-in-five chance of it working.
- Really? - Yeah.
l mean, if it was a horse, you wouldn't bet on it, would you? Certainly not 4,000 quid a go.
When do you find out? - Two weeks.
- And if it doesn't Work? lf it doesn't work, we'll justtry again.
(Ringing and jangling) Good morning.
ls it? Where are the aspirin? - Hangover? - Migraine.
Never a hangover.
Always a migraine.
Josh, darling, that is delightful, but is there any way you think you could do it somewhere else? (Jangling) What if l gave you £5? Mum! Josh, darling, it's absolutely beautiful.
You carry on.
By the way, Dad called again last night.
l told him you were out with ''friends''.
He wants you to call him back later.
- Does he, now? - You will, won't you? - ln my own time.
- Oh, please.
Anyway, l can't tonight.
Felix is taking me out to a party.
- What, again? - Well, what can l say? He enjoys my company.
A lot more than your father does, anyway.
(Muffled drumbeat) - What are you doing? - What? What are you doing? Sorting out the music for the party.
(Music through speakers) ''The Best Of lbiza Uncovered.
'' ''Two CDs of nonstop, bangin' house anthems.
'' Do you remember that lovely holiday we had years ago in lbiza? (Grunts) And there's this.
''Underground Ga-rage.
'' - Actually, l think it's pronounced ''ga-ridge''.
- ls it? - What are these for? - l thought the young guests might like it.
We haven't got any young guests, have we? (Stops CD) Oh, well.
Yet another youth movement passes over David Marsden's head.
Well, that's because you're not a youth.
Anyway, you'd look ridiculous dancing on a podium.
Hmm.
When l was 1 8, punk exploded, and what was l into? Economics at Durham University.
When glam rock was all the rage, my one ambition in life was to be on Ask The Family.
Well, you never know.
Maybe Vivaldi will make a big comeback.
- (Wailing) - Josh! - What's going on? - Look what he did to me.
You little monster! - What have you done to him? - Nothing.
He wouldn't stop playing that wretched thing, so l gave him a smack, and he dumped his Choc Pops all over me.
You smacked him? How dare you hit Josh? - lt was just a tap on the legs.
- David, take Josh next door.
Come on, Joshie.
Come and explain garage to Daddy.
l smacked you when you were little.
And it never harmed me? l know you smacked me.
l remember it.
- Only when you deserved it.
- No, actually! Not always when l deserved it.
So, now, all of a sudden, l'm a bad mother? Oh, don't be ridiculous! But that is not the point.
You are a guest in my house, and l will not have my son screamed at and frightened by you! - Oh, hi, Pete.
- Can l borrow Adam? - Borrow? - Well, not borrow.
Eryou know, see him.
Take him for a walk round the playground.
What, now? Well, er in the next 1 5 minutes.
Well, he's a bit busy at the moment.
Busy? He's three years old.
How can he be busy? Potato prints.
Potato prints.
Right.
Erwell, l can wait.
Right.
Well, give us a sec.
l'll come with you.
(Shouts) No! Er No, no, no.
Youdon't worry.
You put your feet up, love.
Right.
Buenas tardes, señorita.
El tiempo està muybueno.
El tiempo està mumuy (Confidently) El tiempo està muy bueno.
We can't stay long, because we've got to go back and have something to eat.
And if you're good, we can have ice cream.
Bingo! Ah, Ramona! Buenas tardes, señorita.
El tiempo està muy bueno OK, l think we speak English now.
Yeah? Eryeah.
Rock Hard rock Brit-pop Synth-pop Brass-heavy instrumental Feeling funky? (Stops CD) Oh, sorry.
(Panting) l got a bit carried away.
Yeah, the music's organised, guests invited.
Everyone except Pete.
- What, you're not inviting Pete? - Well, he's been a bit depressed recently Well, not inviting him won't cheer him up.
l know, but l'd just rather not have anyone weeping in the corner, you know.
Besides, if we all keep shtoom, he need never know.
David, is there any chance you could give me a lift into town? - l need to pick up a few things for tonight.
- Mum, can we have a word, please? No, later, darling.
l really must catch the shops.
Well, l'm glad we got that one sorted out.
ln a fight, who do you think would win? My Adam or your Josh? Josh, definitely.
l mean, look at him.
He has got the killer size, you know.
Like his father.
Yeah, but my Adam, he has the strength and the stamina of a panther.
ADAM: l got it off him! - Well done.
l got it! Do you fancy er Do you fancy going for a drink sometime? Yeah.
OK.
That would be nice.
Ermhow about Saturday? No, but l'm going to see you on Saturday, anyway.
- Are you? How come? - Well, David's birthday party.
- Who told you about it? - Why? Was it meant to be a secret? - No, it's just a little get-together.
- That's not what l heard.
l heard fancy dress.
- You're very well informed.
- l have my sources.
Well, if you really want to go, have a word with David.
Heythen you, me and Robert can get together beforehand, have a chat, have a laugh go bowling, maybe.
No, l've got a date for Saturday night.
- Really? Who's that, then? - Oh, nobody you know.
Oh, you look nice.
Who's the lucky man? Oh, nobody you know.
We're going dancing! Dancing? Dancing? Oh, yeah, l remember dancing.
- Whee! - How do l look? - Are those my shoes? - You don't mind, do you? Well, it would be nice to be asked.
Well, you're not going anywhere, are you? - Funnily enough, no.
- lt wouldn't hurt you to say something nice.
Haven't we been here before, Mum? About 20 years ago.
Except, l was standing there, and you (Door buzzer) - Oh, that'll be Felix.
l'll be back late.
Don't wait up.
l'd better go, too.
You have fun, yeah? Oh, l know: l'll defrost the freezer.
(Machine bleeping) - ls there something different about you tonight? - No.
- Are you wearing hairspray? - A touch of gel, maybe.
- ls that perfume? - lt's aftershave.
- Have you got mascara on? - Get stuffed.
Peter Gifford, have you got a date? - Maybe.
- A date! You've got a date! Who? Tell me.
- No.
- Why not? Oh, is it somebody l know? - l can't.
lt's a secret.
- We don't have any secrets.
Tell me.
- No.
- Tell me.
Tell me.
- No! - Tell me.
l'll tell you what.
You come out with me next Saturday, and you can meet her.
Next Saturday? Ernext Saturday's tricky, actually, because erwe're going out to a new restaurant with some of Rachel's friends.
You know, Jane and erm Julie and erPatricia.
Sorry.
- Next Saturday? - That's right.
- To a restaurant? - Uh-huh.
Who are those people, again? ErJane and erJacqueline and ermAudrey.
- So, you know about David's 40th, then? - Yeah.
Sorry.
l was going to tell you, but David thought it might be awkward.
No, no, that's all right.
l don't mindbeing a social leper.
Ooh, is that the time? Debo ir.
Estoy atrasado.
- What? - Gotta go.
Can't keep the lady waiting.
Tell me! Salsa RAMONA: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.
Uno, dos Ah! How am l doing? - Yeah.
Not bad, you know, for an Englishman! - Huh! Yeah.
You just need to, you know descongelar tus caderas.
Desconwhat? Eh? - You know, ermdefrost your pelvis.
- Oh, right.
l'll give it a go.
(Laughs) Bravo! OK, now it's your turn to lead me.
l thought l was leading you.
No, l think l was leading you.
How about this? Whoo! That was pretty good, you know? Pretty good.
Slow, romantic tune God, did we really dance to this? You did.
l didn't.
School discos, 1 982.
Neil Greenwood rubbing his erection against my hip through his burgundy Sta-Prest.
Urgh! Horrible.
l was led to believe that girls rather liked that.
Oh, dream on, lover-boy.
That's where a lot of today's clubs go wrong.
No slow dances.
- ls that right, David? (Door opens) Heather? - What time is it? - Nine o'clock.
You stay here.
You've come to gloat, have you? No, of course not.
l'm just sorry you didn't have a good time, that's all.
- What happened? - lt was just too awful.
Oh, come on.
What can be that bad? You promise you won't tell David? Of course.
Well, all right.
l suppose you're old enough.
HEATHER: We were having a perfectly nice time, a lovely evening, at this couple's house, when they excused themselves for some reason and disappeared off upstairs.
And Felix leaned over to me and whispered Oh, God! lt's just too embarrassing.
Go on.
He asked me if l'd ever .
.
swung.
Swung? - What, you mean - Yeah.
Yes, you know.
Swung.
Like alike a swinger.
(Laughs) Oh, my God! What did you say? Well - She punched him? - Yeah.
You saw the size of the rings on her hand.
Oh, well, that's just wonderful.
- What? - He's a client, Karen, a very important client.
David, he insulted her.
What did you expect her to do? Well, couldn't she just have said, ''Thanks, but no, thanks''? God, l don't believe you.
- Darlingl can't seem to find the tonic water.
- l'll be down in a minute, Mum.
l'll be back later.
Don't bother waiting up for me.
Oh, by the wayphone Pete.
ANSWERlNG MACHlNE: You have one message.
Message one.
Hi, David.
lt's Pete l mean, Pete, it's David, obviously.
Erit slipped my mind, but l meant to tell you there's a party next Saturday.
Our house.
40th party.
My 40th.
Bring a friend, if you'd like, and do come.
Well, ermsee you then, maybe.
(Bleep) - You're sure this is what you want, Mum? - Yes, l'm sure.
You're more than welcome to stay, you know.
Oh, thanks, but l'd better get backbefore my tan fades.
- Bye, Josh.
- Bye.
You keep practising the xylophone.
Bye-bye, darling.
And thanks - for everything.
David, am l going to have to carry all of these bags myself? l'll tell you why Princess Leia kept falling into the Federation's clutches.
Too busy doing her sodding hair.
Wow! Strangely arousing.
You're not bad yourself.
- You still want me to come? - Of course l do.
l'm not gonna get beaten up by all your friends? l can't guarantee that.
So, who's gonna be there, then? Well, there's birthday boy David, of course.
You know about David.
He's all right.
Needs to get that broom handle out of his arse, but he's a decent bloke.
(Grunts) And Karen.
Everyone loves Karen.
Always there for you.
Adam's all right.
Not quite as cool as he thinks he is, but he's been a good mate to me and Pete.
Anyway, Adam's blissfully happy with Rachel.
You'll probably fancy Rachel.
Everyone fancies Rachel.
Even l fancy Rachel.
She's gorgeous.
(Sighs) What about Pete? l sort of hoped Pete wouldn't come.
Whatever.
l can't pretend l'm happy about this, Ramona.
Oh, for goodness' sake, David! Honestly! Put you in a little bit of leather! We need her to serve the drinks and snacks.
Look, l told you: l am a trained, professional nanny, not a waitress.
Besides, l have other plans tonight.
l'm sure Manchester's men can manage for one night.
David! - lgnore him, Ramona.
You have some fun.
(Door buzzer) - Hello.
- Well, l'd better go now.
See you.
Oh, bye, Ramona.
Have a nice time.
- Hello.
- l'm a friend of David's.
- Jessica, come in.
Come in.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
Happy birthday.
- Am l early? - Thank you.
Not at all, no.
Well, just a bit.
Come through.
Come through.
Hi.
Sorry we're late.
My car changed into a submarine.
That's fine.
May l just say, Rachel, you look particularly gorgeous this evening? Come on.
ln you come.
- Can l get you a banana? - Mmm! - Rachel? - How did you guess? - Gosh! Adam.
- Who are you? - Well, isn't it obvious? - Some gay porn star? No, l'm Mad Max.
Of course.
Mad Max.
lt's uncanny.
So, which one are you, then? Lazenby? Moore? Brosnan? - Connery, of course.
- Not much of a costume, though, is it? That's the great thing about Bond.
(As Sean Connery) Maximum style, minimum effort.
- Right.
Through you go.
(Door buzzer) - Hi! - Oh, wow! Come in.
(Laughs) Come in, Miranda! Ah, great to see you.
Nice costume.
Thanks.
lt was the only thing l could think of to stop people talking to me.
l'll tell you what.
lf it gets too much, or if David ever suggests we play Twister, l'll smuggle you out.
- Thanks.
- Right.
Well, here we all are, then.
So, erTwister, anyone? Drink? Disco (Both laughing) Excuse me.
Karen, l was wondering if it's a good time for charades.
Let's not peak too early, eh? Or that game with a spoon on a piece of string.
- David, who's the little tramp? - What? The little tramp.
Karen, l think that's a little unfair Oh, l see.
Charlie Chaplin? Ermthat's Jessica.
You've never mentioned her before.
- Well, you don't mention everyone you meet.
- That's cos l never meet anyone, David.
No, she just chairs the residents' protest group.
That's all.
She's big in the local Labour Party.
Oh.
You really are in with the in-crowd, aren't you? - Hey, gorgeous girl! Ladyshave not working? - Ha-ha.
No, you are the best-looking woman here.
ln fact, weird as it sounds, l could really quite fancy you in that.
RACHEL: You know you're a pervert? - l bet it's hot and sweaty in there.
Bet it is.
Maybe we could go upstairs and cool off for a while.
l could be David Attenborough, and you could erm Or not.
- That's a nice ''shuit'' you've got there.
- l beg your pardon? Ah, hello, Mish Moneypenny lt's Sean Connery, right? l thought you had a speech impediment.
(Laughs) Yeah, it's funny.
Sean Connery is one of those impressions that everyone thinks they can do really well, but actually, no-one can do properly.
Exactly.
l'ml'm Robert, Jenny's new friend.
l'm Adam, Pete's old friend.
Hey! Look at you two! How are you getting on? All right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like a house on fire.
Robert's been running through some of his impressions.
Right.
That's nice.
- l'm just gonna get a drink.
- You've got a drink.
Yeah.
A different kind of drink.
Excuse me.
- God, l could smack you sometimes.
- What have l done now? You know what you've done.
You've got that ''l've just peed in the paddling pool'' smirk.
- Your new boyfriend is absolutely gorgeous! - Thank you, Rachel.
- Judas.
- Adam? - Just being loyal to a friend.
- Just being a prat.
Adam Williams, 007.
Licensed to piss people off.
Oh, right.
So, if Pete had a new girlfriend, l suppose you'd be nice to her as well? Yeah, of course l would.
l'd be charming.
Oh, hi.
Hello, everyone! - Oh, my God! - So, is there somewhere l can put my sword? - l don't believe it.
l don't bloody believe it.
- What's up? That's the nanny.
Pete's getting off with the nanny.
So? So, he should have told me.
Well, maybe he thought it was time to move on.
That's what you wanted.
Would you shut up and stop being so reasonable? - You're jealous, aren't you? - Don't be ridiculous.
l don't get jealous.
So, who is that masked man? lt's me.
- So, what do you think? Do you approve? - Ramona? Of course.
l mean, don't tell Rachel, obviously, but the thought has crossed my mind once or twice.
l think you put the wind up Jenny, though.
That wasn't your intention, was it? No.
- Would l do a thing like that? - No.
BOTH: Yeah.
PETE: So, that's him, is it? The good-looking one? Ah, he's nothing special.
No.
No, he's not, is he? - Well, this is a turn-up for the books.
- What? You don't like him? No, l think Pete's a lovely guy.
l'm just not sure it was the best time to announce it.
Ah, Ramona.
So glad you could make it after all.
l come as Pete's guest, OK? That's all.
We needed her for the children's bath.
lt's very inconvenient.
All right, all right.
Don't get madMax.
(Both laugh) - Mad? l'm livid.
- Here.
Take this.
Red wine on the sofa.
Oh, what is wrong with these people? Well, l think you make a lovely couple.
Yeah.
You know, Pete's a nice guy, and erwe're having fun.
So, we'll just see what happens.
Yeah? Karen? Jenny! - Ramona! Hola! - Hola! (Mouths) Be nice.
- You must be Pete.
- That's right.
- l'm - Robert.
l know.
Nice to meet you.
Jenny talks about you a lot.
That's probably because she's my wife.
Now, if you'll excuse me, l'm going for a slash.
- (Drunkenly) l bloody love Spain.
- Oh, yeah? Have you been? Many, many times, Ramona.
Well, just the once, actually.
Alicante.
Pete's idea.
Didn't get to see much, though.
Pete fell asleep on the beach, second day.
Burnt his back.
Like pork crackling, it was.
Yeah.
Two weeks in a hotel, watching shite Spanish TV, and eating omelettes with potatoes in.
Yeah, well, excuse me.
Erml have to go to the toilet now.
(Gun bleeps) - (Ramona groans) - How's it going? Oh, terrible.
How about you? - Rotten.
- Do you need the loo? - No, no, just an excuse to get away.
- Yeah.
Me too! - You know what we could do? - Oh, yeah.
Do you fancy it? l think so.
But you have everything that we need? - Oh, yes.
- Well, then, come with me.
Hi.
Pete! Look, it's probably best not to touch that.
- How do you put the CD on? - A lot of thought went into that compilation.
Dios mÃo! Mira todos estos à lbumes del Genesis.
(Laughs) What? Su gusto en música es tan malo como su gusto en ropa.
(Both laugh) - What? What are you saying? - Trust me, David.
Here we go.
Señorita? Gracias.
Latin rhythm Oh, yes! ls that Ramona? (Cheering) Oh, Pete and Ramona - weren't they great? (Dully) Yeah, yeah.
They were great.
- Look, have you seen Rachel? - No, l haven't.
All right.
Back in a minute.
Hello, David.
Hello, ermJessica.
l just wanted some air for a moment.
A bit woozy from the cocktails! - (Chuckles) - You don't mind? Not at all.
Not at all.
Great party.
Oh, thanks.
Welll'd better be getting back.
David, you're so funny! - Am l? - Don't be so twitchy and formal.
Relax.
Come on.
Dance with me.
Oh, actually, that isn't my kind of thing.
Oh, come on! Are you hiding? Yeah, l am.
lf you're nervous about David forcing us to play charades, l think the danger's past.
Come on, darling.
Are you worried? A bit.
l thought coming here would take my mind off it, but Adam, what if it doesn't work? - Why wouldn't it work? - Well, it doesn't usually.
Yeah, but it will eventually.
What if we run out of money? Ermeasy.
We'll sell all your stuff.
Or l'll sell my body.
We'll manage.
What if it never works? Hey, you.
l thought we agreed to be positive, huh? Sorry.
Sorry.
You're right.
- Coming downstairs? - Yeah.
Yeah, l am.
l just want to get out of this bloody suit.
Will you help me? Wo-ho! l'd love to! Oh! No, no! - What's the matter with you? - (Groans) l'm sitting on my gun.
(As Connery) The Walther PPK.
Small.
Deadly.
Compact.
Rather like you, in fact.
(Laughing) Do you know, l think l've had a little bit too much to drink! Me too, l suppose.
ls your head spinning? - Uh-huh.
- Mine too.
Happy birthday, David.
Oh, my God! Someone was watching.
- What? Who? - Rachel! Rachel saw us! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Rachel! Rachel, a word.
MAN: What? You're not Rachel.
Who are you, then? King Kong.
Mad Max, yeah? Take it off.
Your head - take it off.
- Who the hell are you? - Steve.
Why? Who are you? (Sighs) Thank you.
Hello, birthday boy.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine, fine.
Just feeling a little light-headed.
That's all.
Not too light-headed for a dance, l hope.
Mellow soul Make the music louder Fatten up the bass And everybody sing along l ain't goin' nowhere Enjoying your party? Yeah, it's fun.
Sort of.
l'll tell you - there's one thing that does rather annoy me, though.
What's that? - No, it's probably a bit mean.
- What? Presents.
Hardly anyone's brought me a present.
Oh, l am really sorry.
l haven't had time to go to the shops.
No, not you.
l mean our friends.
You know, Rachel and Adam, Jenny and Pete.
- David, you didn't even invite Pete.
- For his own good.
l mean, you spend all this money on a party, you expect something back on the presents.
(Footsteps on the stairs) l think people have got other things on their mind at the moment.
Yeah, l suppose so.
DAVlD: Oh, God KAREN: Oh, God Make us a cup of tea.
- Aren't you getting up? - l can't move.
l need tea.
Do l have to? ''Come on, Karen.
'' ''Let's have a party, Karen.
'' ''l'll help tidy up, Karen.
'' (Groans) All right.
l'll go.
How disgusting! Oh! ''To David.
Drive safely.
Love, Pete, Jenny, Adam, Rachel, Karen, Ramona, Josh and the twins.
'' Happy birthday, David.
Oh, l don't believe it! Give us a kiss, then.
Hard rock (Engine roars)