Comedy Showcase (2007) s03e03 Episode Script

Right, attention everyone No.
Can I have some attention, please? Guys, I just need attention.
Well, today we welcome back Neil, back to work after the accident.
So brave, so brave to come back to work after what you did.
Clapping's not appropriate.
Shouldn't have started it.
Six weeks' paid leave for falling two storeys on the boss and leaving her in a coma.
I was stuck in my house, traumatised, Tony, not lying on a beach, relaxing.
You can't relax near the sea.
It's a health and safety nightmare.
If someone tried to set that up now, they'd never get permission.
It's the sea.
We're not wasting another day talking about the sea.
All right? There's nothing we can do about it.
Not yet.
You're probably all wondering, so I'll put you out of your misery.
This little hottie here is my new PA.
You can't call her that.
Well, she's a temp but she's assisting me personally so in my books that makes her a PA.
She can't hear me, anyway - she's transcribing my ideas tape.
Anything good in there? No.
Did you record these on the toilet? Yes.
A lot of great people do their best thinking on the toilet.
You can hear everything.
All right.
And FYI, I'm not your PA.
Ooh, fun with letters.
In that case, why don't you go up to the sixth floor and get me a C-A-P-U cappuccino.
I shouldn't have to spell it.
OK, so let's go through the accident again.
This is you up here and this is your boss, Hope, down here and you lean over to shout But the railing wasn't attached properly.
And you fall and you crush her.
Ah! Ahhhh! Well, I was very badly winded but Paul, how is this helping me? What did it feel like when you landed on her? We've been through this, Paul.
I can't remember.
Come on, Neil, you're no fun.
I had this client once who was, you know by his grandad.
He used to tell me everything - too much, in fact.
Some of it was appalling.
It's just a blur.
Fine.
Bottle it all up then.
I'd have told you if it was the other way around, you know, but whatever.
Carry on.
Well, there's very little sympathy for me at work and you know, cos at the end of the day if I hadn't have landed on Hope I'd have died.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Paul, do you have to write all this down, mate? It's very off-putting.
Oh, sorry, it's my tax return.
If I put my bed in the other room I can claim rent on this room as a work expense.
That's your bed? Mmm.
I thought it was a couch? Psychiatrists should have They have couches in their offices, don't they? Mmm.
Paul, do you live in here? I'm having financial difficulties, Neil.
It's just that I don't go on and on about my problems.
Look at what she's made me wear.
We're inspecting a beautician's.
You'd think there'd been a dirty bomb.
Look, Neil I'm not really listening.
I'm focusing on the bigger picture, yeah? Blue-sky stuff.
I'm the boss now.
I don't have time to make sure things are done correctly.
But I'm taking orders from someone who wants to shut down the sea.
She doesn't want it shut down.
She just wants it properly labelled.
It's all in the report.
Why are there no chairs in here? Yeah, I got rid of them.
I've ordered some new furniture off the eBay system.
The last thing I want is my office to look like a place of work.
Don't you think you should have kept Hope's office as it was? No, it's weird when people do that, isn't it? It's a bit morbid.
You ever been to Graceland? It's like, "move on!" Elvis is dead, isn't he? Is he? Hope isn't dead, she's in a coma and when she wakes up, she'll come back and she'll be boss again.
No, I'm the boss now.
This is a new journey.
I'm gonna do things that Hope would never have ever dreamt of.
A3 size Post-it Notes.
Imagine that.
Big pens, obviously.
A chill-out cupboard.
You can't chill out in a cupboard, you'd panic.
Ah, at first.
A bit brisk, that one.
Right.
Ready? So how are we gonna play this? On me.
Health and safety, everybody freeze.
Have you got an appointment? No.
Take a seat, please.
What are you doing? Oh, Colette, I was chilling out.
Can you stop telling everyone I'm your PA? The people in the post room took the piss.
The people in the post room are sub normal and every time I go in there they're laughing their heads off.
What the ruddy hell's happened to this? Looks like doll's house furniture.
Well, it doesn't say anything about that on the eBay.
This has snookered me.
I can't use these, I'll look enormous.
These were 95 quid each.
What sort of a weirdo would spend 95 quid on a dolly's chair? You? The most galling thing is that they're bloody perfect apart from the size.
I could just see myself sitting in that.
Right, open the e-mail.
I'm gonna give these con men at Lilliput Cottage a piece of my mind.
You've got a message here from a journalist wanting to interview you about the accident.
What? A TV interview? Shit, what are we gonna sit on? Sorry, I was on lunch.
You waiting long? About an hour.
Right, we're all here.
People, listen up.
This isn't a bust or a raid, so no-one needs to lose their shit.
I want you to think of me as a cop.
Yes, I've got a badge, yes, I can enforce laws, yes, I've got stuff on my belt.
Yeah, people shout "Pig" at me in the street.
Is this gonna take long? Oh Looks like we've got ourselves a Little Miss Hurry Along.
Well, let me tell you a story about a girl who also didn't have time for safety, a girl who thought that seatbelts were a symbol of oppression and burnt them.
The fact is that girl had an accident and lost her hand.
Oh, yeah, and guess what else? That girl was me.
So, that's the introductions out of the way.
But they rebuilt me.
I was given a second chance so that I may save others and I swore to do just one thing to use my hand for good and if I can save just one of you then I will have done my job as a cop.
That was Press Office.
The interview's happening today.
Have you done your statement yet? I've gone ten better.
Knock, knock, who's there? Only this guy.
What is that? Say hello to General Safety the friendly face of health and safety.
Why have you done that? For the interview.
The eyes of the world are gonna be on us.
I wanna show our fun side so I've done that.
Hey, this crazy bastard's gonna get everyone taking us seriously at last.
I really think you should call Neil.
No, he might flip out.
You never know who he's gonna jump on next.
Hey.
Richard Ooh! How are you going? Borderline amazing.
I'm having a phenomenal decade.
Brilliant.
Colette, this is Richard Traves.
He's the head of town planning.
You must be the new PA.
Temp.
Look at that nose.
Beautiful angle, ideal for a slip road off a roundabout.
I'm sorry.
I take inspiration from almost everywhere.
Quelle s'appelle you? Colette.
Colette Road, Colette Crescent, PA Lane.
Sorry, I'm doing it again.
It's one of the side effects of having the power to name the very streets.
Traves Boulevard, of course.
All this guy.
I don't mean to be rude but we're trying to prepare for an interview.
No, Colette, Dickie T's here to give me media training.
Him? Yeah, he was on Top Gear.
Doing what? I booed a Citroen .
He booed a Citroen.
I booed a Citroen, I was going absolutely berserk.
In fact, the producer had to take me to one side, love.
Here's the accident book you asked for.
Thanks, cheers.
Stop trying to make friends with them, please, Neil and look for evidence? Neil, look.
What, the mirror, the cupboard, the ceiling, the floor, my shoes, what? Balloons.
They should not have balloons in here.
Confiscate them, Neil.
No, Tony, we are not taking balloons off them.
Balloons are full of germs.
These are helium.
They're clean and they're quite clearly safely tethered, so let's just move on.
You know, look Right, which one of you potheads doodled on the accident book? No, not that.
They've had two stepladder injuries this year.
Jesus, that's a spate, isn't it? No.
You know what this mean? Yeah, we hand out some safety leaflets.
Oh, no.
No, this is our church now.
We must spread the word.
We're going to do a demo.
I like this guy.
I see a lot of me in him.
He could be a new Gandhi.
Definitely.
This could go global.
Can I get in on this? I think I speak for both of us when I say, "We'd love to have you on board.
" How are you qualified to give media training, exactly? OK, let me show you something, Colette Road.
Behold the town centre.
My initials, my name, my legacy hewn into the very rock of the one-way system.
That's how I'm qualified to give media training.
So the cars have to drive round that bit of the R? Yes.
That's insane.
Thank you.
OK, so what if they ask who's to blame for the accident which left one of your staff in a coma? They should say that there's more to him than just being the head of health and safety.
He should sing.
Ah.
Well, I do sing.
I sing at weddings.
I'm not paid to, I just do it if there's a lull.
I've heard him, he's good.
Very moving.
The bride was in tears.
I think you two should just probably focus on the accident for the TV interview.
Oh, Colette, imagine if everyone on TV just spoke about accidents.
No-one would ever watch it.
I would.
What is this? Whilst you were on holiday, Neil, I designed a whole series of safety demos.
Well, what's all this punctuation here? Are these little faces? They're emoticons.
You say the line and you pull the face.
Can we, like, hurry up? OK, OK.
Right Beginning with Jacob in the Old Testament.
The ladder has been used as a metaphor for human transformation but in the real world the ladder has been used to reach things that are high up.
Did you know ladders kill more people in the UK annually than serial killers? OK.
I'm on the first step.
I feel good but I want more.
I move up to the next level.
I feel complacent.
I feel lighter than air.
This is quite boring.
OK, girls, let's get back to work now.
Come on.
Well, done.
You just walked away from being safe.
Tony, come on, we've done our job now.
Oh, Tony, no.
Tony, please, come on, time out.
No way, Neil, they're not safe.
They can float up into the fan or the lights or the Right, close this place down! Well, I think they were very reasonable about it.
Define reasonable.
Well, it was really nice of them to do that for you, wasn't it? Been looking at it the whole way home.
Where have you two been? Oh, one way was a nightmare, traffic backed right up to the R junction.
You all right? Yeah, bit of a weird morning, to be honest.
Take cover.
What the hell is that? Good question.
Who is General Safety? What do we know about him? He gets things done his way.
If you could earn respect, this guy'd be on 20 grand a year.
What are those things? They're his medals because he's a General.
Oh, really? Has he ever seen action? Oh, rude.
He was in the Falklands! What's going on? Nothing.
Oh, a TV crew are coming to interview him about the accident.
Oh, apart from that.
Please tell me you've prepared a statement.
Well, there's your statement, Neil.
What's he got to do with this? Seriously?! He's in it up to his eyeballs his waist.
Lesley.
Oh, chill out, Neil.
Go and spend some time in the cupboard, man.
Richard Traves has already given me media training.
I'm bullet proof.
OK, we need to prepare a proper statement.
Sweet, I'll get onto it.
No Tony, you'll try and relate my fall to Icarus flying too close to the sun.
No, you're too heavy handed.
Ooh.
Fuck off, Neil.
And for your information, Icarus wouldn't qualify as a fall incident.
He had wax wings so it's equipment failure.
And besides it was the sea what killed him.
Yeah? The sea! Can't we release a statement through him? No, Lesley.
How would he even talk? Hello, everybody.
And so who do you feel was most to blame for this childhood episode, Neil? Well, my Uncle Gary.
But also? Oh, I suppose my mum to a lesser extent.
But also you blame your Teachers.
No, you blame your fa My father.
Ther.
Excellent.
Now open the envelope I gave you at the start of the session.
"Your father.
" And that, Neil, is my gift.
Right.
Can I have that back? I use that quite a lot.
Do I have to do inside your ears? Yes, mimic the actions of the sun.
If the sun touches it, you touch it.
Is that the fake fake tan we seized this morning? Yes.
Should you be using that? It's fine.
I've done a spot test on my penis.
On your penis? Not you as well.
I've already been through this with her.
It's sensitive skin and it's out of sight.
What else are you supposed to use it for? OK, well, I've written something.
Can you read this? "Two members of my department were involved in an accident.
"One person is in a coma as a result "and the other is suffering from psychological" This is as dry as a bone, Neil.
Why don't you try this? "We do a difficult and dangerous" Lesley, why are you smiling? Well, I need to come across as appealing.
You're coming off as creepy.
Blah, blah, blah.
"We're preparing a full inquiry and our prayers are with Hope now.
" What are you winking at that for? Bloody hell, they're going to be here in an hour.
You can't pull the right faces.
I think we need Tony.
To be honest, I'm a bit disappointed.
I was expecting more of a TV vibe.
Oh, nope sorry, just the local rag.
Hear that? Just the local rag.
Go on, through you go.
Take a seat.
Is this thing safe? Yeah, that should be fine.
I've got better chairs but they're far too small for you.
Well, that's rather rude.
What? Oh, no, I mean look, honestly.
Who were you expecting? Well, a TV crew for a start.
Are you even gong to write a description of me visually? Well, to be honest I'm just here for names and dates so when the inquiry starts we're ahead of the game.
Oh, but I've prepared a statement and rehearsed it.
OK, go ahead.
OK, well stop me if there's any words you don't understand and I'll get someone to come in and explain them to us.
To be honest, you could just give me that statement and then I'll have it.
OK that works.
Are they little faces in here? Oh, yes, they're to help me control my emotions.
Do not print those.
This accident has really affected you, hasn't it? Yes.
Look, it has been a rather trying time for us here but you know what? There's been one person that's really held us together, someone who's given us a lot of strength.
Are you talking about Jesus? Oh, God no, better than him.
Meet General Safety.
The friendly face of health and safety.
By 2012, this guy'll be everywhere.
He'll be opening the Olympics, if not competing.
Well, I've got to go now, Lesley, so if we do cover the story I'll be in touch.
Well, what do you mean, if? If you cover it? You might not even print it? Well, it's really up to the editors.
Oh, is it? Yes, well, stories do have more of a chance of getting in if there's a photo.
Oh, right.
So this photo, could we be in it? Have you ever had a street named after you? On a scale of wrong, ten being the wrongest, this is about a nine.
Nope, it's a ten.
It's just a team photo, Neil, it's not weird.
Besides, you put her in here.
Look at her nothing.
Are we ready? I'm golden.
Hang on, why are we whispering? She's in a coma, we want her to wake up.
No, shh, we shouldn't really rush these things.
Can you stop wasting time, please, Neil? This place is full of diseases.
Colette, you getting in the photo? Go on.
Quick.
Colette, could you just drop your hip a little bit? Ooh, cover girl stuff, beautiful.
Ooh, I almost forgot.
There we go.
The full team.
Stop fidgeting.
No, it's just, it's the fake tan.
I might have to get a nurse to have a quick look at my penis.
OK everybody, tits and teeth.
Everyone say, "Health and safety.
" Health and safety! Great, we'll just try one more for luck.