Community s03e03 Episode Script

I really made my bones with that last collar, babe.
Today's the day.
You woke up with a guard this morning.
But tonight, you're going to bed with a detective.
ShhOkay, you get some rest, 'kay? Probably need it.
Here's Ben dressed like a dragon.
Aww.
Here's me and Abed dressed as Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.
Aww.
Who's Nick Nolte? Aww.
Hey, Abed, can I borrow some change for the water fountain? Yeah.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Wait.
Change? - Hey, Dean.
- Hmm? What are you doing? Nothing after lunch.
And I can skip lunch if you want-- Oh.
That.
Keeps tuition down and it saves on water, too.
That's because nobody's gonna pay to drink water.
Actually it's a two drink-minimum.
It'll be reflected in your tuition.
Hey, Dean.
Thanks for the new digs.
Ah, eh, remember what we talked about? We have to keep this whole living situation kind of quiet.
You know, on the d-low.
Sure, you know, I'm barely there.
I'm married to the job.
And to a mannequin leg I found in the boiler room.
Homewrecker.
Your first major lab assignment is to construct a terrarium.
Sort of like a diorama.
You guys have weird reactions to stuff.
Hey, can I ask you something? This is unrelated.
As someone who just finished spending the majority of his life in prison, what happened with legos? They used to be simple.
Oh, come on, I know you know what I'm talking about.
Legos were simple.
Something happened out here while I was inside.
Harry Potter legos, Star Wars legos.
Complicated kits, tiny little blocks.
I mean, I'm not saying it's bad, I just wanna know what happened.
All right, fine.
Your terrariums are due tomorrow.
And everyone look across the table at the person in front of you.
That's your lab partner for the rest of the semester.
Saddle up.
Who are these people? Give me some rope, tie me to a tree give me the hope to run out of steam somebody said we could be here We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away Um, hello, please, Professor Kane? Yes? I know you haven't been here at Greendale very long, but, umWe're a study group.
It's kind of a thing.
We've been through a lot.
You probably heard of the space bus.
Paintball.
I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom, and these are the only guys I've ever told.
Yeah, we're like a family.
We love each other.
Second paintball.
What is happening at this school? I have so many conversations that make no sense.
Uh, we'd really prefer to partner up amongst ourselves.
I don't care.
Go ahead.
It's not you, it's me.
I'm just trying to protect us both from more pain down the road.
I may have a developmental disorder.
I need to catch up on Breaking Bad, so I'm so sorry.
I have a developmental disorder.
Star Wars, Star Wars.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hmm.
You understand.
You're also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man.
I don't know you, but I just don't trust you.
And I don't think I could grow to like you.
The point of what I'm trying to tell you, Todd, is that I don't want to be your lab partner.
No offense.
None taken.
I understand, you wanna be with your friends.
Don't tell me what I'm feeling or thinking.
It's petty.
Good-bye, Todd.
Okay, how are we gonna divide the-- Hey, Todd! Todd, buddy! You passed the test.
I've been walking my beat a long time, sir.
A long time.
I've kept my head down, paid my dues.
And, well, I think I'm ready to make detective.
You've only been here a month.
You really haven't done much of anything.
And there's no such thing as security guard detective.
We don't solve crimes.
We barely prevent them.
You wanna detect something? Do it on your own time.
Maybe I will.
"Maybe I will.
" My own words rang in my head like a bell inside a head.
Maybe I was crazy.
Or maybe, just maybe, I was a detective.
- Hey.
- What? - Looking for something? - No.
She said she wasn't, but her eyes said otherwise.
She was all dame, legs that went all the way to the bottom of her torso.
The kind of arms that had elbows.
UmDid you just call me in here to stare at me? The way she left, I could tell that somebody-- or something--had really put the scare on her.
But what? Why? Stapler.
Was I crazy? Or were they somehow connected? I can't believe it.
This is the first time there hasn't been a beetle in here.
- Should we move outside? - Uh-huh.
Did you even hear what I said? - Uh-huh.
- Seriously? Is this what it's gonna be like working together? What? I lost three followers? Man, people just can't handle the truth about Ben Sherman's winter collection.
Roommates, study group, lab partners.
We really are gonna spend all our time together.
How awesome is that? Very.
You know what else is awesome? Last night I saw the Hong Kong movie.
That Kickpuncher is based on.
Yeah, I know, I was there.
Did you see the scene where Kickpuncher kick-punches Yeah.
Both of them.
Oh.
We spend too much time together.
Jinx.
Here's Ben with his cupcake.
And here he is a few seconds later when he was crying because he dropped his cupcake.
Mm-hmm.
And here he is with another cupcake.
Oh, oh, wait, these pictures are out of order.
That's the same cupcake.
Oh, Shirley, these pictures are adorable.
And comprehensive.
But did you know that sugar is like baby meth? That's what my homeopath said.
Well, maybe your gay friend should mind his own business.
"Forget about the girl," I told myself.
"Let her go, like a lobster claw letting go of a small balloon for lobsters.
" Still, I had a hunch.
Hmm.
A matchbook.
Something about it seemed clue-y.
"Arizona matchbook company.
" Arizona.
Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino! Maybe I was crazy Or maybe I was finally sane.
Why does this guy keep staring at me? Britta.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was just getting some air.
Me too.
And wondering something.
I was wondering something, too.
- Tell me.
- No, you first.
I was wondering, what would it be like - if we were partners? - What's going on here? Were you thinking of changing partners? Who's thinking of changing partners? Were you gonna bail on me? No.
No one here is thinking of changing partners.
No, sir.
I am! While he was spying, I found a turtle.
It's not fair that I should be the only one here saddled with a total waste of space loser.
- No offense, Todd.
- None taken.
Why should you all get the exact partner you wanted? That's right.
It's totally not fair that we saddled Pierce with Todd.
We should probably choose partners again.
I mean, just to be fair.
So it's agreed.
Let's go to the study room and deal with this Todd problem once and for all.
Okay.
Um, did you want me to come? Um, it's called "the Todd problem.
" Okay, we just have to come up with a fair way to decide who is gonna be stuck for an entire semester with this Random.
This, uh Non-grouper.
No offense, Todd.
None taken.
I'm happy to work with whoever.
There's only one way to decide this fairly.
We go boy-girl, boy-girl.
But everyone has to have a different hair color.
And be from a different high school.
And be a different race.
I guess I'd be with Britta.
I guess my--my hands are tied.
The hair color concept intrigues me because it's how I distinguish you anyway.
But what if we arrange by age, so that way the young people can work while the old people sleep and vice versa.
Um, I-I was just wondering who you considered old, because I'd like to remind you again that I'm just about the same age as Jeff.
Oh, I was counting Jeff as old, too.
Hey! Oh, well, that's all right then.
I just don't understand how my age has anything to-- Oh, for heaven's sake, Pierce! I was thinking the thing that would be most beneficial-- you know, for the group-- would be to pair the people with the lowest GPAs with the highest.
Hmm.
Interesting.
The highest carrying the lowest? I can see how you might want that.
You know what, Annie? Pew, pew, pew, pew, p-- Wait, no.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Does anyone else have kids? Because I have a gorgeous little newborn that I'd like to get-- Oh, perfect! You'll enjoy talking to Shirley about her kids.
Uh-uh, don't go trying to pawn Todd off on me.
Again, none taken.
Guys, our terrariums are due tomorrow and it's already nine.
Okay, let's make this simple and do it like student housing.
Everyone write down their lab partner preferences from one to eight.
Abed, you're a computer.
You figure out a way to put us in our optimal pairings.
And before you all go putting Todd down last, don't forget he comes with a turtle.
You're halfway done.
How does that sound? Somebody wake up Pierce.
Hello, Arizona matchbook company.
I had to get some answers.
And I needed answers like a fish needs a bicycle-- A lot.
Hello? Hello? Yeah, I am, uh, interested in your matchbooks.
Yes, would you like to place an order? I had to think fast.
- Yes.
- Get away from my desk.
I'll call you back.
You've been walking around campus asking people weird questions and then staring at them while slightly moving your lips? I had to think fast.
No.
Ben I think this job might be getting to you.
I think you need to take some time off.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Very much so.
Yes.
All right, yep.
According to my system, Annie's gonna be with Shirley.
Pierce is with me.
Troy is with Britta.
And Jeff is with Todd.
Okay, let's get to work.
Uh, wait.
Um, how did I end up with Todd? I mean, no offense, but he wasn't exactly at the top of my list.
None taken.
It's what the algorithm dictated.
And we're just supposed to trust your algorithm? You're questioning my algorithm? Not necessarily.
Is your algorithm above questioning? Not necessarily.
Will you just tell us how you chose? I used the ballots to rank everyone by popularity.
And I put the most popular with the least popular.
I figured it would maximize each partnership's audience appeal.
Oh, I-I see.
So I was number one, and he was obviously number eight.
No offense, Todd.
You and Todd were four and five.
I was four? - Todd was four.
- I was five? Well, that's insane! We don't even know him.
He's a stranger.
Please, Jeff.
It has feelings.
Wait, so we all know Annie was number one, because she'd do all the work.
And Shirley was her partner, so But that means-- so you all put-- I just worked it out.
I'm more popular than someone! Getting the matchbooks shipped to me the same day wasn't easy.
I had to pay the company money.
I used Nunez's card.
He'd thank me at the Detective Awards.
Somewhere, somehow, I was gonna find what I was looking for.
Holy Mary, mother of God.
Was I crazy? Or was I on the verge of something? My mind reeled with thoughts.
Voices.
Stand-up premises.
Why don't they just make tires out of pavement so you can drive on anything? What's up with buttons? What would happen if Nicholson was a gynecologist? There was something there.
I need a notepad.
Maybe a blazer.
Honey, I-I-I don't know when I'll be home.
How could you guys hate me more than Pierce? Or anything more than Pierce? Thin ice, Shirley.
My friends and I are not gonna let you drive a wedge between us.
Shirley has a point.
This list stinks like a butt convention.
How else could you explain Troy being so unpopular? Uh, I think I was the popular one in our pairing.
Oh, Troy.
Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd? Hey, that's cool, whatever gets this project done.
Oh, wow, what a great guy.
I can see why all of you like him so much more than me.
Jeff, maybe it's just that no one wants to carry you all year.
Gee, you're right, Annie, it's not personal.
I mean, it's not like people really like you.
You're just a good grade in a tight sweater.
You're just a bad grade in a tight sweater.
And who the hell are you always texting? Everyone you know is here.
Okay, let's all just take a breath-- Don't get your number four stink on this, Todd.
Okay, let's focus.
We're all the same people we were 12 hours ago.
Maybe we should just revert to our original pairings.
But I thought you didn't want to carry Jeff.
Oh, you just don't want to work with Shirley.
You too, brute? It's just You're a creationist! - What? - You're so religious.
How are you gonna do science experiments if you don't even believe in science? Just because someone's religious doesn't mean they have a problem with science.
And certainly, if an introductory biology course at a community college can refute 2,000 years of miracles-- And what about Britta? She's not gonna dissect anything.
Fine, you got me, I won't dissect anything with a face.
What about worms? Do they have tiny little faces? This is why you're the stupidest! If loving worms is stupid, I don't wanna be smart.
It is, and you can't be.
Guys, I just figured it all out.
Pierce, wake up, Jeff is gonna heal us.
We have been looking at this totally wrong.
There's no way I'm unpopular.
One of you monsters just put me last in a petty attempt to humble me.
Oh! I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass.
Also Todd was there.
Uh, no offense, Todd.
I'd poked my nose where it didn't belong.
Someone--or something-- had sent me a message.
Veronica.
It was my fault she had gotten mixed up in all this.
Uh-uh, Todd.
Pretty sure I heard a fire alarm.
Nobody's going home until we see those ballots.
See the ballots? Are you crazy? I say let's lay our cards on the table and see what everyone really thinks of each other.
Get behind me, Abed.
Jeff, stop it! Pass! Give it to me! No, get back, get back! I am doing this for all of us.
Oh, no, she's got her marijuana lighter.
Don't! Noooo! The turtle is in there! Oh, my God, I am so sorry! What is wrong with you people? Huh? I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird.
And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades.
Or biology.
Or finally graduating from college, like I promised my dying father.
I'm going home.
I'm gonna hold my wife and my child close.
And I am gonna finally take my Insulin shot! Offense taken.
Offense taken.
Well, he is right about one thing.
You're all terrible people.
And I don't care about this stupid assignment.
I'm going home.
No, I'm not, I'm going to biology class.
It starts in 15 minutes.
And eventually, this caterpillar will come out of its cocoon.
And then-- Pop, pop! Nice work, you two.
You know they're laughing at you, right? I mean, that's my theory.
Now, super group.
I can't help but notice a sorry lack of terrariums.
We didn't have time to finish.
Here's mine.
When did you even have time to do that? You're pathological.
It's too late for flattery.
Professor, obviously this isn't working out.
You're just gonna have to put us with our original lab partners.
- All right? - I don't have to do anything.
Not after you broke my boy Todd.
That man called me crying this morning.
You know he fought in Iraq, right? We had a name for people like you in prison.
We called you "the mean clique.
" But I have a solution.
All seven of you will share a microscope, one bench, and one grade that I will average.
Everyone else gets their own stuff.
So can we get an extension on the first assignment? No.
You all fail.
Oh, my God.
How did this happen? And did I miss the firemen? Dean, the explanation is simple.
It's all connected.
A web of conspiracy that goes all the way to the top of Arizona.
All Right.
Hey, somebody's been squatting in the utility closet.
There's a hot plate back there, thousands of matches.
I mean, we're looking at dozens of major health and fire code violations.
I think we're gonna have to get the police involved.
And that's when it hit me.
I was in really big trouble.
Dean.
Dean? Oh, uhNo.
No need to get the cops.
With a conspiracy this big, they're probably involved.
- What? - What Chang says makes a lot of sense, and, um Okay, you know what? I quit.
I mean, I can deal with the not getting paid, but I draw the line at you enabling this man.
I mean, I'm seriously concerned that he's mentally ill.
And--and it's not funny at all.
It's scary.
- The top of Arizona - I needed to know more.
- Was it a very high mesa? - About those firemen.
- Or was it a state of mind? - Were they ethnically diverse? - Either way, I was going - Did they bring a dalmatian? - To have to climb it.
- Could I buy a calendar? Okay, screw this.
I-I quit.
Hmm? Well, it seems that Greendale owes you a debt of gratitude.
How would you like to be the new head of security? I had to think fast.
Yes.
I don't know, was I crazy? Or was I just doing right by the school? - This is awkward, isn't it? - Yeah.
You know, I think it's pretty clear what destroyed the balance in our study group's ecosystem.
Ranking one person above another.
Letting our differences get the bets of us.
- Racism? - No.
Todd.
Todd! Did you see the head on that guy? "None taken.
" What was wrong with him? Not to be unchristian, but that boy sucked.
I missed this.
Aww! And his dumb baby! - I know! - On and on.
He wouldn't shut up.
These questions are really personal.
Are you sure this is anonymous? Yeah, they're just practice evaluations for my psych class.
All right.
Who did a butt? They're boobs.
And I don't know.
Take it again.
All right.
Somebody drew a penis.
Oh! And another penis.
Penis, penis, penis.
Very mature, guys.
- I didn't draw a penis.
- Me neither.
Yeah, these are all normally filled out tests.
Ha ha! Gotcha! This was also a test, and you all penised.
Passed.
Maybe I need to take one.
A test.
Not a penis.