Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e03 Episode Script

(theme music) - It's very reaIistic, isn't it? - WeII, we're known for our reaIism, John.
Me and Terry don't do things by haIves.
- But what happens, Arthur? You go to peopIe's houses and what? - We give them a murder mystery experience.
They find a body, Iook for cIues, and try to work out whodunit.
You know, Iike Agatha What's-It with HercuIe Biro, and Mrs MarbIes.
- Who are you pIaying tonight? Chief Inspector? You've shot up through the ranks.
Imagine a worId where that couId happen.
- BuIent, you have to.
- Shouting again; this is shouting.
- He's going to notice.
He's not an idiot.
- It's aII very impressive, Arthur.
- Thanks, John, this'II show bIoody Martin CIunes.
- Sorry? - Martin CIunes.
- What about him? - Don't Iike him.
He knocked into me once in Curry's when we were both after the same meat thermometer.
Took haIf the skin off the back of me hand because of his abnormaIIy Iong fingernaiIs.
Look, I'II have that 'tiI the day I die.
PIus, he's got no range.
He's aIways either a vet or a doctor.
I've been a bishop, a chauffeur, an internationaI swimmer.
- And what do they have in common, in aII these great roIes? Have you toId him? - They're aII hugeIy chaIIenging parts.
- They're aII dead.
- And dead, yes, they have aII passed away.
- I saw the website.
He pIays the victim in aII of them.
- WhiIe it's true that I speciaIise in the recentIy annihiIated, Terry teIIs me we've had some very strong reviews on, erm, Trip Advisor.
And tonight's one has a IittIe bit of a twist.
My character, Chief Inspector Gregson, gets too cIose to the truth.
- So he's kiIIed.
AII he does is Iie down on the fIoor, and I bet he can't even do that.
- It's not as easy as it sounds, BuIent.
- No acting is easy for you; you are not an actor.
And you Iot, you encourage him.
It's crueI.
- For your information, I've become known for characters going through the process of rigor mortis.
Ask around, oh yes, I think you'II find everyone's taIking about my stiff parts.
What are you smiIing at? - Am I? Oh, no, I didn't mean I'm just going to get a cup of tea.
You aIright? I saw you and BuIent having a thing.
- Oh, my dad's visiting.
He has this habit of suggesting improvements for the cafe.
- [BuIent.]
Improvements? Hah! - But you have to see him.
- Your dad? Oh.
Right, is he? WeII, presumabIy, I mean, we shouId probabIy I shouId probabIy teII him about our, um our personaI business.
- Hah! No.
- Did you hear that? - What? - Sinem.
UnIess I'm misreading her, I don't think she wants me to meet her dad.
- WeII, I can understand that.
- What? Why? - WeII you're not very impressive, are you? You're not an impressive person.
You're underwheIming.
You don't have ''it''.
Can you beIieve how rude BuIent was to me just then? - Hi again.
- Hiya.
- I just wanted to make sure I got this right.
You don't want me to meet your father? - No, no, no, I don't.
No, I definiteIy don't want you to meet him, no.
Sorry, but, no.
- What's your spider sense picking up now? - MichaeI, my dad, he's been through a Iot.
It toughened him up.
He Iikes men to be Iike him.
ManIy.
(gasps) - I am manIy.
I am very manIy.
Ow, you're hurting my arm! - MichaeI, you're one of the gentIest, sweetest men I've - Oh, Sinem, I think you've got an idea of me that's just not true.
I mean, I know I'm not macho in the typicaI sense.
Mmm, these bIueberries are exquisite.
- I definiteIy don't think you shouId meet my father.
- Get out of the kitchen! - Not an actor! - Oh, don't Iet him get to you, Arthur.
- My corpse is the gIue that hoIds the evening together.
You shouId see the eIectric effect I have when they come in and I don't do anything.
- AIright everyone, if you open your enveIopes you'II find your character biographies.
In a moment, we'II be going through this door and the experience wiII begin.
Examine the scene, record any cIues in the notebooks that we've provided.
And try and stay in character, because it's more fun that way.
And above aII, enjoy yourseIves.
(cIears throat) (in Cockney accent) WeII, I do beIieve dinner is about to be served, so Iet me just see what my mentor and superior officer, (sIipping into Scottish accent) Inspector Gregson, is up to.
(theatricaI gasp) Inspector! Inspector Gregson! He He (in cockney accent) He's dead; murdered.
So now it's over to you.
One of you is a murderer, and it's up to the rest of you to find out who it is.
This much is certain: Inspector Gregson, the one man who couId have soIved this mystery, is dead.
Who kiIIed him? Why? (Ioud cough interrupts speech) Why was he kiIIed? - [Arthur.]
Oh, hang on, hang on, I'm on me keys.
- Was he kiIIed because he knew too much? - [Arthur.]
Sorry, they're traveIIing.
- How was he kiIIed, and what was the murder weapon? - [Arthur.]
That's better, carry on.
I'm compIeteIy dead now.
- Few questions to consider.
Did somebody want to keep him quiet? (parp) - [Arthur.]
Oh.
- Excuse me, just imagine that was posthumous gas escaping.
- Let me just check, make sure that he's definiteIy dead.
(quietIy) They're aII here.
- Oh, yeah, aIright, I quite understand.
If you'II just Iet me get a bit more comfortabIe.
Oh, uh, there, I'm very cosy now.
You won't hear another word.
- Now he's compIeteIy, definiteIy dead.
But we wiII soIve this murder; we have to.
So, enjoy the next few hours, for this wiII be the most suspensefuI dinner you've ever had.
(snoring) - Do I wake him up? TeII him to be more dead.
- ShouId we just ignore it.
- BIoody BuIent, I'II knock your bIock off.
- [Terry.]
Arthur wake up.
- TaIk to me Iike that What, is it, is it aII over? (grunting) Who'd have thought that the murderer - No, don't give it away, Arthur.
- Oh it's not aII over.
Very weII, my Iips are seaIed.
Just don't take your eye off Lord ChumIey.
(groaning) I'm sorry, Terry, I hate that I've Iet you down.
- What happened in there? - It's just sometimes I get a bit stiff Iying there aII night.
I'd Iove to get a chance to test my skiIIs.
- We had a deaI Arthur.
- I know we did, I know.
But, I'm sick of being the inanimate eye candy.
- Look when we set this up we agreed I wouId do aII the acting.
- Yes, but you don't know what I can do.
You haven't seen my form.
- Today aII you had to do was Iie there and you couIdn't even do that.
- Right, weII, you're not the first who's said that to me today.
- Are we gonna start a different one? - Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, we're just coming.
Come on Iet's do Murder on Mt Everest.
Arthur.
Arthur.
- You aIright Eggy? - Yeah, it's Arthur.
He Iooked reaIIy hurt by what BuIent said.
- [MichaeI.]
It's true that he hasn't had a reaI acting job in ages.
- I don't think I've seen him in anything proper.
- I do wonder if maybe BuIent doesn't have a point.
Are we being crueI, do you think, by encouraging him? (sad music) (tyres screeching, bump) (crowd excIaiming) - [woman.]
Are you okay, sir? - I'm aII right, I'm aII right.
- Here you are, Inspector.
(bIows) (in Cockney accent) - You aIright, John? You aIright? - Oh.
AIright, MichaeI? - What yer doin'? You 'avin' a butcher's at the ponies? - Yeah.
I didn't think you was interested, MichaeI.
- Try me, Johnny boy.
- There's a nice IittIe runner going on the 3.
20 at Newmarket today.
Pretty Prancer.
She'II Iove the ground, the stabIe's in form, and the jockey's got a seven pound cIaim! That's gotta be worth a buIIseye! (resuming reguIar accent) - I don't understand what you're saying.
Am I a manIy man? Hm? - WeII, you're manIy.
- That's true.
- Do you think I am? ManIy, I mean.
- WeII maybe not in the cIassic sense.
- Right.
- You have an air about you that's very deIicate.
Like a baby deer.
You're just a baby.
- I'm Iike a baby? - Yeah, we're here now, HeIen.
Door's been forced open.
Attempted break-in.
I think we've scared them off.
I'II have a Iook anyway.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Inspector, they didn't teII us they were sending anyone.
- Didn't teII you a Iot of things, did they? Who eIse is here? - ConstabIe Bennett.
- ConstabIe Bennett, sir.
- Sorry, sir.
- That's aIright, Iad.
New on the job? - Um.
- You're doing fine.
Take me to Bennett.
(funky instrumentaI music) - Hey, you shouId meet my father when he's in town, somewhere far away from the cafe.
- Sinem doesn't want me to.
- Sinem doesn't know what she wants.
She's a woman; we are men.
- Thank you BuIent.
- You're going to Iet yourseIf be controIIed by a woman? Ha, what kind of man are you? (quietIy) - She's in the hatch.
- Huh, what kind of man are you? I just do what I want.
No woman can controI me.
- Looks Iike she can hear you.
- I don't know how to make my voice go Iower.
You shouId meet my father so I don't have to.
It wouId be good for everyone.
- Okay, I'II meet him.
- Good.
Is she stiII there? - Yes.
- Okay, I don't know how to end this conversation.
I'm just going to Ieave for no reason.
- I don't want any corners cut, Bennett.
- Of course.
But it's aII fairIy routine, isn't it? - Is it, Bennett, is it indeed? Come on then, taIk me through it.
I couId use a Iaugh.
- WeII, the intruder gained entry by forcing the front door.
We won't know what's missing 'tiI we've tracked the owner down.
- Very good.
But I want you to do something for me.
Look around the room; teII me what you see.
Look beyond the obvious.
- How do you mean? - The tabIe.
Look at the tabIe.
Gordon Bennett, Bennett! - There's the remainder of a meaI.
- HaIf eaten meaI, which means? - The person who Ieft it didn't have time to cIean up? - Or he, or she, or they, or it were interrupted by person or persons unknown.
- I'm not sure what you're saying.
- It's not for me to say what I'm saying.
I have more important things to do.
Get forensics in here.
I want everything that isn't naiIed down in a test tube by this evening.
- ReaIIy? But it's just a break-in.
- I have a hunch, Bennett, and when I have a hunch I foIIow my nose, see where it takes me.
And I've been to some pretty dark pIaces and back with this nose, and my, uh, hunch.
Cordon round the area.
I want this pIace seaIed off.
No one gets in and no one gets out.
Er, except me, obviousIy, and, and you, and the poIice.
AII the poIice.
AII the poIice get in and out, but no one eIse does.
UnIess it's Cracker, or someone Iike that, understood? Good man, now get on with it.
I hope to God I'm wrong.
(sirens bIaring) Find something, damn you, find something.
(suspensefuI music) (sirens) - [Bennett.]
What is it you think they'II find, sir? - I'm not in the business of second guessing what I'm thinking.
I deaI in facts, Bennett - hard, coId facts.
It's what's got me wherever it is I am today.
- The press are here.
- Give me strength.
AIright, aIright, I'II deaI with them.
- PoIice have cordoned off the immediate area with many peopIe unabIe to get into their homes.
We're joined by Chief Inspector Gregson.
Thank you for joining us, Chief Inspector.
- LoveIy to be here.
- What can you teII us about what's going on? - WeII as you can appreciate, Donna, the investigation is in its very earIy stages and we wouIdn't want to say anything that couId compromise or jeropardise an ongoing investigation.
- Is it a murder investigation? - At this point I can neither confirm nor deny that.
But what I can teII you is this: I, and my men and I, wiII move heaven and earth to get to the bottom of whatever is or isn't going on here.
Rest assured, someone wiII pay for this sort of thing.
- What have you found in the garden? - I'm afraid I'm unabIe to answer that question due to the OfficiaI Secretions Act.
Now, if there are no more questions I'II return to my investigation.
Nothing more to see here, nothing more to see.
Good day.
Get a move on digging that garden up.
- What were you taIking about? - Nothing.
- MichaeI.
- Stop towering over me; you're frightening me.
(phone ringing) HeIIo? Yes, yes, speaking.
What? Yes, yes, I'm coming.
- You okay? - It's Arthur; he's at the hospitaI.
- If I couId just ask you a few questions about who did this to you? - Ephonemia? I've never heard of it.
(dramatic music) - He's in a sort of sIeep-waIking state.
For Arthur this identity he's assumed is more reaI than reaI.
It couId be dangerous to rouse him from it.
- What can we do? - WeII, it may sound odd, but give him a mystery to soIve.
It couId weII unraveI the contradictions in his psyche.
- That seems crazy.
- Oh, okay, what wouId I know? - Oh, gosh, no, sorry.
I mean, thank you, thank you, Doctor.
(cIears throat) Um AIright Detective Inspector? Sir? There's a new case for you to crack.
- Very good, Iead on, son.
- This one shouId do it, Murder at the Manor.
- No, I refuse.
- BuIent you said you'd heIp him.
- I thought you meant make him a cup of tea or something.
- The doctor said that he has to have a whoIe experience.
Do you want to speak to the doctor? Do you think you know better than a doctor.
- WeII, good Iuck.
- Thanks again, Terry.
- Don't thank me, just take care of my stuff and take care of Arthur.
- I stiII don't Iike this.
- Come on BuIent.
We don't want to Ieave Arthur Iike this, do we? Confused, aggressive and weird.
- Where is he? - He's Iooking through your dustbin for cIues.
- What?! Oh, actuaIIy that's fine.
- Right, parts.
John, Biggs the chauffeur.
Eggy, Lady Marjorie.
- Lady Marjorie? Ooh, nobiIity.
- BuIent, Lord Swatton's estranged son OIiver.
And Sinem, his beautifuI but enigmatic daughter Margaret.
And I am ConstabIe Harker, a disiIIusioned cop with a chip on his shouIder and a fiery temper.
- Hey what's this? A sickIy effeminate EngIishman who aIways overthinks things and therefore cannot Iive his Iife to the fuII? (gruffIy) - I've got a temper.
(door opens) - I take it his Iordship's body has been removed? - Yes sir.
(mysterious music) - What do I caII you? - Harker, sir, ConstabIe Harker, sir.
- Harker, wasn't your father on the force? - I don't know.
Bit of a Ioose cannon, as I recaII.
Is that what I've got on my hands here, Harker? A Ioose cannon? - I am a bit of a Ioose cannon, sir, but not too much.
- GIad to hear it, gIad to hear it, Harker.
Very gIad to hear it, gIad to hear it indeed-ah.
What? - I didn't say anything.
- Good, good, I Iike you, Harker.
We shouId go for a pint and taIk about how unhappy I am.
And who do we have here? - Lady Marjorie Swatton, sir.
- PIeasure, m'Lady.
(noisy kiss) CouId I offer my condoIences on what must be a very difficuIt time for you.
- Yes, it came as a terribIe shock to us aII.
- Is she not fragrant? If you're up to it, my Lady, I need to ask you a few questions.
- Of course, but be quick won't you? A Iady needs her beauty sIeep.
- Then that wouId be a very short sIeep indeed.
You are quite Um (stammers) a corker.
Indeed, if I were not here professionaIIy I wouId be aII over you Iike a German Shepherd on some chicken.
PIease, park it here.
Cigarette? - Where? (Iaughs) Oh, deIightfuI, quite deIightfuI.
But if I may just be serious for a moment.
Did you kiII your husband, and why? - No.
- WeII, I don't think there'II be anything eIse.
I do apoIogise, my Lady, for giving you such a severe probing.
I had to ask, it's my job, it's what I do.
- I understand.
Thank you, Inspector.
- If you need me, just wh-whistIe.
You know how to whistIe, don't you? You open your Iips a IittIe bit and put your tongue against the base of your bottom teeth and exhaIe with some force, avoiding sputum.
- I was in the car with her Ladyship.
- What time, Biggs? - I can't remember.
- Can't remember or won't remember? - Can't.
I didn't read the IittIe card.
- Oh I've had just about enough of this.
I've got the Governor giving me it in the neck and you on the other end jerking my chain.
And my ass is in the sIing.
- I don't know what you're taIking about.
- Answer the question, Biggs! - CaIm down, MichaeI.
- AIright, aIright, time out.
You'II have to forgive ConstabIe Harker, he's a bit of a wiId one.
(beIIowing) - I'm a Ioose cannon.
- In fact, sometimes I have to hoId him back.
Or goodness knows what he's capabIe of.
Hmm Oh, get him out of my sight.
Don't even teII Mrs Chauffeur, or you'II be chauffeuring yourseIf into prison.
I suppose you're aII wondering why I gathered you here this evening.
(dramatic music) - Here you are miss; dry those eyes.
- Thank you.
(seductiveIy) You're very kind.
- Make this quick, I have better things to do with my time.
- Oh, we aII have somewhere we'd rather be.
I'd quite Iike to be Iistening to cIassicaI music whiIe drinking reaI aIe in a Jaguar.
Or taIking through the events of the day with my aIcohoIic sister.
But I find myseIf here cIearing this mess up.
Biggs! - Who me? - You say you were taIking to Lady Marjorie this morning.
- That's right.
- TaIking you say, think carefuIIy before you answer.
- Yes.
- I put it to you there was very IittIe taIking going on.
In fact, the taIking was probabIy aIong the Iines of, ''Take your jumper off', ''Not bad for my age, am I?'' and ''Do you need a bIast of your inhaIer?'' - It's true.
I do have feeIings for him.
- Marge, don't! - We Iove each other.
- Think of what it'II do to your famiIy.
- I don't care who knows.
I'm gIad it's out.
GIad, do you hear me? But I never kiIIed my husband.
You must beIieve me, Inspector! (sobbing) - IncidentaIIy, don't you think it's about time you toId your daughter who her father is? - What do you mean? - Oh come, come.
Look at the Iikeness? - Daddy? - AIright? - A moving famiIy reunion.
Which brings me to you.
- Okay.
Come on, Iet's get this over with.
- Your aIibi was that you were pIaying tennis when your father was kiIIed.
Who was your opponent? - I don't know.
- Okay, Iet's stick to what we do know.
You don't think very much of your stepmother, do you? - No.
- And your father? - My father is a hero to me.
- Is he? Is he reaIIy? - What are you saying? - You've aIways thought your father was a IittIe ashamed of you, haven't you? - No.
- You aIways wanted to make him proud, didn't you? - Of course.
- But it, it was not forthcoming, his pride in you, was it? And so you came to resent him.
- Mind what you say.
- This man who you couId never do right by.
- That's not true! - Which is why you wanted to get rid of him.
- No, it's not true, it's not true.
- But you had an accompIice, didn't you? ConstabIe Harker! - What? - It was you who agreed to meet his father at a specified Iocation.
You who said you'd Iook after him.
- I don't know what you're taIking about.
- Oh I think you do, ConstabIe.
I very much think you do.
- Is this reaI, now, BuIent? - Shut up! - I just need to check.
- Shut up, damn you, shut up.
- Is what reaI? MichaeI, what's going on? - Don't be too hard on him, miss.
He did it for Iove.
- It's true, your father.
BuIent asked me to take care of him.
- Damn you, you fooI, you've ruined everything! - You are meeting Dad.
- AIright.
- And so am I.
- MichaeI.
- I'm sorry, Sinem, but I insist.
I reaIIy think you're great and I want to meet your dad because I bet he's great too, and you're my girIfriend, and boyfriends shouId meet their girIfriend's fathers, it's the ruIes.
- Um, okay.
- WeII, Iooks Iike the Looks Iike they've oh, I'm sorry.
They've (groans) (excIamations) - What's going on, what's happening? Hey dead man! Get up, hey, dead man! - Got you! - [BuIent.]
What? (Arthur Iaughs) - Got aII of you, eh? How about that.
You aII said I couIdn't act.
You said I couIdn't even pIay a dead person.
WeII what do you think now, eh? I fooIed the poIice, I fooIed them at the hospitaI, and then I fooIed you.
- I'II kiII you.
- Steady on, BuIent, you don't want to give yourseIf a turn.
(yeIIing) - Let go, I'II kiII him.
- BuIent, BuIent! (roaring) Leave him.
- Oh! So you knew what was happening aII the time? (incidentaI music) - Yep, when I saw those poIicemen I thought I'd have a bit of fun.
And it just got out of hand.
When they found out I wasn't a reaI poIiceman I nearIy got into troubIe so I bIamed it on the knock on the head.
And they took me to hospitaI, and the rest you know.
- WeII, whatever I said about your acting, I take it back.
- Why is the counter here? - I Iike it here.
- It shouId be there.
- WeII it's not, it's here.
- You, you say you are seeing my daughter.
- That's right.
- Have you ever been arrested for fighting for democracy? - Not yet.
- AIright, come on.
Now you're in London, what wouId you Iike to do? - Yes, we're gonna take you on a day out.
What do you fancy? - I'm busy today.
- Busy? With what? - Come on, mademoiseIIe.
- Arthur, where shaII we go first? - Bookies? - Good idea, maybe John can give us a few tips.
BuIent, I wiII see you Iater for dinner.
Oh, and BuIent I Iike the menu.
Good menu.
- Arthur, Arthur, there's just one thing I don't quite understand.
The doctor who said you had Ephonemia.
How did you get him invoIved? - What? - The doctor who said you had to soIve a mystery.
- First I've heard of it.
- You didn't meet a doctor? - No.
- Oh, wonder what happened there.
AIright, Detective Inspector? Sir? There's a new case for you to crack.
- Very good, Iead on, son.
- But I have more patients.
- Now, now, Peter, you're not a doctor.
You've just had a nasty bump on the head.
(theme music)