Crashing (US) (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

1 PETE HOLMES: You guys pee in the pool? Clap your hands if you pee in the pool.
Don't be afraid.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - You're not ready.
ELON GOLD: I can't believe Estee didn't pass you.
That was like a solid set.
I'm doing a gig that I think you'd be perfect for.
Yes.
MODI ROSENFELD: What's going on over there? - PETE: Somebody I met today.
- Nice.
- We had sex in a dressing room.
- What? PETE: And then again in a bathroom.
- MODI: Two times? - In one day.
A double schtup.
I see a lot of empty seats.
Are Are you all saving a seat for Elijah? Or is that (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) ELON: I spoke to the rabbi.
He said he would love to sit down with you.
- Absolutely.
- So, where is Pete? No.
It feels weird.
- What, the hat? - Yeah.
No, you're just one of those people.
You look good in hats.
- Trust me.
Yeah.
- Really? Yeah.
You look good.
You look sexy.
Okay.
Ain't got no riches Ain't got no money that runs long - (DOORBELL RINGS) - But I got a heart that's strong And a love that's tall Ain't got no name Hello.
Thank you.
Sorry.
(KAT LAUGHING) - Let me slip through - Let me slip through - Why you tryin' to hold me back? - I ain't I'm just tryin' to move up front Lil' more of this, lil' less of that Can you feel me? - Let me come through - Let me come through - I'm tired bein' in the back - A'ight I'm just tryin' to move up front Lil' more of this, lil' less of that, yeah They tell me I was born to lose KAT: So I have a question.
Where is all this headed? You mean us? No, I feel pretty good about that.
I mean your career.
Um I want to get really good at stand-up.
Okay, but But what? No, that's that's the end.
Yeah, but you want to be adored.
- No, no, that's - You want everyone in this restaurant to know how special you are.
You want to be unable to walk down the street without everybody seeing you and recognizing you and knowing how funny you are.
No, I'm not David Hasselhoff.
I'm I'm a comedian.
No.
Come on.
Okay.
Admit that it is driving you fucking crazy right now that no one in here knows that you are the next Kevin Hart.
I'm not I'm not the next Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.
We have a Kevin Hart.
He's perfect for the part.
I'm just a I'm a club guy.
I grind it out.
I do spots.
I get better.
That's my You know, Madison Square Garden and the movies, that's - Okay.
(SIGHS) - I'm not that's a different thing.
The greatest honor in my life would be to be in the scene.
- I just - Wanting to be famous is not a bad thing, and it's not embarrassing.
I do I have a TV idea.
(BOTH GASP) (SINISTER LAUGH) Tell me.
- It's about a guy - Mm-hmm.
who has kids, but the public schools stink.
So he pulls them out, and he starts teaching them in his garage, but he's really good at it, right? So word gets out, and other neighborhood kids start coming to his school in his garage.
And that's like That's the pilot, I guess.
I've written, like, an outline.
"Holmes Schooled.
" - Yeah, Homeschooled.
- No, no, no, Pete "Holmes Schooled.
" - No, no I - Like your last name.
But it's not for me.
It's just Homeschooled.
It's for like a name.
Why isn't it for you? This is the perfect vehicle for you.
I don't see it for me.
It's like something I would write, but, you know Ike Barinholtz or maybe Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
I can see your face on the side of a bus.
You're wearing a cardigan and you're standing with your arms crossed in front of a chalkboard, and it says on the chalkboard, "Tuesdays at 9.
" Against Big Bang Theory? - Yeah.
- We're gonna get smoked! (LAUGHING) Sure you don't want to come dance with me? I do want to.
This is it.
This is where I leave you.
- I'll see you in three hours.
- Okay.
- Three hours? - Yeah.
That's the entire movie the Titanic.
(LAUGHING) I know.
- You'll survive.
- I'll be fine.
- Okay bye.
- Bye.
(SINGSONGY): Bye.
Bye.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Kitty? - Hey.
- Peter! - What's up? - Hello! - What's goin' on? - Hi.
Oh, nothing.
I just, I've been texting you a bunch and I haven't heard back, so I figured I'd just come over.
Yeah, well, welcome.
Thank you.
You've done a great job, Peter! Look at these elements, exposed just stone into woven carpet, and cardboard and wood.
Great.
- I'm actually - Oh, okay.
- I have to - Sure.
This is unexpected, so I don't have a lot of time.
Oh, I understand.
Yeah.
Ah, it's just so nice to sit for a moment.
I brought you a little housewarming gift.
Please, I don't want any VHS's of PBS specials you've taped.
(LAUGHING) Not this time.
- Ah! - Yeah.
(SCOFFS) Mmm, thank you.
Maca root.
- Oh, maca root.
Great.
- Yeah.
Incans used to take it right before they went into heavy battle.
We use it for a little help with old - My dick.
- Yeah, your dick.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing tonight? - Why? - My old roommate is a sous chef and he's opening a new restaurant.
Tonight's the soft opening.
He gave me two tickets.
It's gonna be you and me and a bunch of celebrities.
- Really? - That's what they said.
Kristen Chenowith is a person.
Is that one? Yeah, that's a celebrity.
Lauren Michaels is gonna come, and she's It's Lorne Michaels.
She's a beautiful celebrity.
- Nope.
- Yeah! It sounds amazing.
I just I have plans tonight.
What do you have, a show? This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
No, I get that.
I just I've been on the road a lot, and I'm sort of spending the night with my girl, so You guys see each other a lot, though, right? This is kind of a just-tonight thing.
I would love hanging out, but I haven't seen her I haven't seen her in like a week, so I just want to reconnect, you know But didn't I just Did I see you on Instagram on the High Line this morning? Yes, that's us on the That's her.
That's Kat.
- But that wasn't today.
- Oh.
That was a later-gram.
Yeah.
Seems like you found someone that's helped you unlock that piece of yourself that lets you be love, and the two of you are in love together at the same time.
It's great.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
We'll do another dinner another time.
I just When I'm not so busy.
Yeah, okay.
(CHATTERING) All right.
See you Thursday.
- Bye! - Bye.
Hi.
- I'm stinky.
- I don't care.
Oh, no.
Loving is easy You had me fucked up - You're smelly.
- (LAUGHS) Can I Can I tell you something? - Sure.
- It's weird.
- But it's not bad.
- Okay.
- Um, so you know I grew up religious - Mm-hmm.
and I was never a big, um, porn guy.
(CHUCKLING) Evidenced by the fact that I call them porn guys.
Yeah, I can't believe it.
No, I But, you know, the Internet came around and everybody was doing it.
So I started looking at this one girl - This one woman.
- Mm-hmm.
And, I don't know, I got really obsessed with this woman, and I looked at her consistently for years, but only her.
Wait, so what are you saying? You were monogamous with your porn star? Yes, exactly.
But she's not a porn star, she's an adult model.
She just It's just her.
She poses nude.
But you look so much like her that the first time I saw you, I actually wasn't sure you weren't her.
I mean, it's like Um That's a weird thing to tell somebody, and I should've kept it to myself and I'm sorry.
And you're Hold on, you're so much more than a You're my fantasy, is what I'm saying.
You're not like a porn star woman.
I don't even look at it anymore.
I need to show you something.
- Kitty? - Wait.
I'm a fucking weirdo.
My thing is What? What's that? Are you breaking a cold case? (GIGGLING) What is What are you doing? It's my vision board! It's my vision board.
You do You do vision boards? Yeah.
- Like for real? - Yeah! This is what I want my life to look like.
Like I want to go to Italy or, like, learn how to scuba dive.
But - I'm Prince William? - Yes! You are the tall, blond, sexy, - kind of goofy - Kitty This is what you were doing with your porn girl.
Really? He looks like a candle that smells like nothing.
Okay, I don't literally want to be with Prince William, but it's like your porn girl.
You spent all of these years pointing your desire and your intention towards this woman, who looks like me, and then we just happen to meet? No, we manifested each other.
You think I made you I mean You can't have all of that desire and not have it manifest in the world.
It's the law of attraction.
Do you want to make one? I have some more New Yorkers.
- Oh, New Yorker.
- Yeah.
I read Playboy for the articles, but I read New Yorker for the pornography.
(LAUGHS) I've been looking for a photo of Mr.
Rogers or Big Bird, if you have either.
Ooh! (AS RAY ROMANO): Debra! Yeah? You're into Ray Romano? I love Ray.
Everybody everybody Can I have some paste? I'd like to sniff it.
- I have a surprise for us.
- Okay.
Put your pants on.
Where am I going that I need pants? (MUSIC PLAYING OVER STORE STEREO) (MOTOR WHIRRING) (MOTOR GRINDING LOUDLY) Hello, uh Can we go? I don't like these kinds of places.
This is What do you mean "these kinds of places"? This isn't like a scuzzy roadside jerk-hut.
- No? - This is The Pleasure Chest.
It's a very classy place, it's very clean.
- The Pleasure Chest.
- Yeah.
Argh! It's still very hard for me to be here.
Do you two need any help with anything? - I think we're Yes.
- Yeah! So we are looking for something that we can both have fun with, but he's sort of new to all of this.
- (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER) - Okay.
Well, I always tell couples to start with a Bullet.
This is made of medical-grade non-porous plastic.
- Oh, medical-grade.
- It's great for external play.
- You can do a lot with this little guy.
- Wow.
(LAUGHING) Oh, it's on.
It's like a cocktail wiener for your for your wiener.
Hello? Sorry, I can't cock right now.
Yeah, I'm going through a tunnel.
- And then you Woo! - KAT: Oh.
(CHUCKLES) It's fun.
Thank you.
Um What about this? It looks like a seahorse.
(SCOFFS) Well, that's usually for anal.
Have you, uh, tried anal? - PETE: No.
- KAT: Yes.
Well, let me know if you need any help.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm I'm sorry.
I'm trying to lighten the mood.
- It's, you know - It feels like you're shaming me.
It feels like you are trying to shame me for being into what I'm into.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
This is sexy.
This is fun.
- I'm all for trying new things.
- Yeah.
I'm happy to be doing this with you.
- I want to do this with you.
- Good.
'Cause I'm gonna put stuff in you, too.
- Great.
- I'm getting this little guy.
Hey, Easter comes but once a year.
And so do you.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHS) What? (LAUGHS) Feels naughty.
We should do something We should so something wholesome to balance the evening out.
(LAUGHING) We could go read to the elderly.
We could blow bubbles at rescue dogs.
(LAUGHING) Pick one out.
Um, hold on.
We can get the train this way.
But, um No, there's something that I want to do.
Yeah, but this this is sort of like where I work, though.
This is like my office.
We can just hook around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just come with me.
I have something fun planned.
You're really gonna like it.
- Can we do it at home? - No, we cannot.
Kitty.
Can we please not do this? Seriously, this is like the last place I want to be.
- Please.
- Face your fears.
What are you What are you doing? This is the club you said you wanted to play.
Here we are.
Okay, this is also the club I told you I auditioned at, and it didn't go well.
I I told you this.
Yeah, so that's why we're here.
No, the plan is I want the booker to forget who I am.
I'm not gonna show up as some loser guy.
So, what, you're just never gonna come back here? No, they key is for her to forget my face.
- No, Pete! - Then I come back.
- She has to see you all the time.
- No, she doesn't.
- I'm not coming in here.
- So that she's like, "Oh wait.
This guy's got balls.
There's something that I missed the first time, and he's fighting for what he believes in.
" And people respect that.
No, I think people think it's weird when you're rejected from something and you keep showing up.
No, Pete, you need to be here all the time.
You can't hide.
- They need to get tired of seeing you.
- Listen.
No.
- Just trust me, okay? - Kitty, please.
Please.
This is business, okay? It's the art of war.
And also, you're not walking in alone.
You're not a loser.
You're with me, okay? Hi, excuse us.
We have tickets.
Shit, Pete Holmes.
He's a comic.
I know who the fuck Pete Holmes is.
Pete, you sitting in the audience tonight? - Yes.
Yes.
- Yeah? Don't worry about it, man.
I got the perfect seats for you.
- That is so nice.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Should we go? Thank you.
- Yeah.
Good.
Dude I'd lose the hat if I was you.
It's cool here.
It's smaller than I thought it was going to be.
- Very intimate.
Very.
- Yeah.
- It's nice.
- This is too close.
- This is too close.
- No! You are right where you're supposed to be right now.
Ooh.
- We didn't order these.
- These are from him.
KAT: Thank you! Cheers! That is so nice of him.
Cheers.
They're fucking with me.
You realize that? No, they're sending it over because they know you, because you're a friend.
- They're that's not - You're a friend.
Drink this.
These people are animals.
- I'm drinking this.
- Kitty (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) The greatest thing about smoking marijuana (LAUGHTER) is smoking marijuana (LAUGHTER) and then not smoking marijuana for about a month, and then smoking marijuana.
(LAUGHTER) Mm-hmm! So good.
Ladies and people, our next guest is a talented man.
Very funny.
Put your hands together and welcome Mr.
Dave Attell.
(CHEERING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE) Keep it going for William Stephenson, everybody.
(CHEERS) DAVE: Thanks.
William, two words of advice: sit-ups.
Now Hey, guys! This is a rough and ready crowd.
That's the way I like it.
Let's take a look at everyone.
It's nice to see my condo board showed up.
How are you guys? Sorry about the weird smell.
And, of course, the cast of Hamilton.
Give them a hand.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) DAVE: And, uh Oh shit.
Is that? Yeah, it is.
Hey, Pete.
Yeah.
You guys don't know this.
This is a comic, Pete Holmes.
- Yeah, sittin' right up front.
- (LIGHT APPLAUSE FROM CROWD) Dude - What the fuck, man? - (LAUGHTER) Did you guys buy tickets? What's, uh Yes.
(LAUGHTER) She, uh, she wanted to come.
And you're the girlfriend? It's our three-week-aversary.
(CROWD AW'S) - Are you guys s-e-x-ing? - KAT: Yeah.
Yeah? I would love to see you two scissoring all night.
- It must be crazy.
Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) Miss, can I smell your finger? I mean, really this is just what it's about.
It's the magic of that fedora hat, I mean, honestly You kind of look like Timberlake without the power or money or talent.
And, uh, did you buy him that hat? You bet I did! DAVE: Yeah! Nice! You go out with a girl, then she starts dressing you to look like a guy she couldn't go out with.
DAVE: So evidently, she has a 1930s reporter fetish or something.
Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy that works at The Daily Planet.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHING) I thought I was in the audience.
He looks like any minute, he might do some close-up magic for all of us.
Pete Pete, you better ice your balls.
This girl is awesome.
Scoot over, Dan.
Hey, you guys are never gonna believe it.
Guess who's downstairs.
Pete Holmes is downstairs.
Whoa, whoa.
Pete Holmes is in the audience? In the audience? He's sittin' up front with this super-hot chick.
I tell you, it's always weird doing comedy in front of other comedians.
So, obviously, there's no big deal here, because - Who's this? Is that your girl? - Yes.
Are things that bad in Russia, man, that you had to (LAUGHTER) that you had to? So when you When you say fedora, are we thinking Guys and Dolls? Like ska band? Reel Big Fish? Pete, I gotta say, your beard looks better than mine.
What is this? Oh, my God! - Seriously? - (MIKE SCOFFS) I don't know Let's see.
(LAUGHTER) Who wants to see what's in the bag? This is the only place in America where democracy still works.
All right Uh, ooh, there's a feather! What is this, tickling? Is this tickling buttholes? Tickling buttholes? I actually think it's gonna look good in the jazz man's hat.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, we have found lube.
Look, look.
It's a lot of lube, a lot.
What do you have down there? Pubic hair or a tumbleweed? JESSICA: What's that That's a lot of moisturizer.
Pete, what were you thinking? It was an impulse buy.
It's right by the register.
Did you taste this? I have to taste it.
- PETE (LAUGHING): No - Yeah, I need to.
- I have to taste this.
- (LAUGHTER AND CHEERS) It tastes like brisket.
This is cherry lube do you know how juvenile that is? Like, I used this when I was, like, 18, right? Yeah, it's really crazy, but I'm hungry, so (CHEERING, LAUGHING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS CONTINUE) He never remembers anyone's name, ever.
I know, and he's such a legend.
He started with George Barlow.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! DAN: Oh, there it is.
Work it, girl! Pete, I gotta hand it to you.
You finally figured out how to get into The Cellar.
Pay the cover, buy the two drinks, and lose your dignity.
- (MIKE, DAN, JESSICA LAUGH) - That's funny.
- You were great.
You really were.
- KAT: Thank you so much.
- You know who's really funny? - We're gonna go, gonna take off.
- This guy! - Oh! One of the best! Are you kidding? Yes! He's one of my idols.
- He's funnier than all of you guys.
- Babe - PETE: Babe - That is judgement I trust.
- (LAUGHTER) - KAT: Okay.
I'm just glad you finally found a fan.
- Okay, um - We're gonna go.
No, no, no.
Wait, Pete.
Fuck that.
They need to hear this.
DAN: Yeah, let's hear it! Let's hear it! He's really funny.
Aw! He is! Seriously! No.
Like, you just do goofy faces, and then you seem like you might be stoned, which is really unprofessional.
And then, I don't know, you're just I don't You're just not funny.
- Oh! - MIKE: Oh! All right, all right.
Calm down, calm down.
PETE: That was fun.
- Crazy, but fun.
- They're really funny, but there's a lot of sadness in that room.
Well, that comes with it, I suppose.
- MAN: You're gonna eat, right? - MAN 2: Yeah.
What? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) - That's Ray Romano.
- I know.
- I can't believe it! - I know! You have to go talk to him.
- I mean - Right now, let's go talk to him.
I don't know if you can just go up and say "hi" to Ray Romano.
He's a comic.
You're peers.
He's a legend.
He's, like, my hero.
The other thing is, can we just order the two mains - right at five? - RAY: No, because then we'll eat 'em.
- Well, we'll eat 'em anyway.
- Yes, but we're gonna eat Excuse me? So, I'm sorry.
RAY: Sure.
Hey, man.
Ray Mr.
Romano, I'm a huge fan.
I'm a comic.
I'm a stand-up.
I'm Pete.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
But you're such a big deal to me.
The kind of comedy you do, your story It's an inspiration.
I love everything you do.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
This is Kat, I'm sorry.
- How are you? - I think you're hilarious.
- Hello.
Hi, Tom.
- I'm Tom.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Tom, nice to meet you.
PETE: I'm sorry, I don't want to You're on his vision board.
KAT: Just have to tell you that.
RAY: What does that mean? Oh, man, don't scare me.
I scare easy.
KAT: No, it sounds freaky, but it's like You take pictures of things that represent, like, your goals and your dreams and things that you want to achieve.
Then you put it on a poster and then you look at it.
And he literally today just, like, cut out a picture of you and then put it on his board.
Oh, wait a minute.
So you think, what? It's like you set an intention, and then you, like, you manifest the things that you want to come true.
- Like The Secret.
- It's The Secret.
I don't want to burst your bubble, but you don't think that's what got me here.
'Cause I I come here.
- But I came here, too.
- Yeah.
So maybe it moved me to come here, and maybe Maybe it also, maybe plant You know, I don't know how it works.
I I want free will.
Do I have free will still? I'm not saying I made you leave your house and come here - RAY: I know.
I get it.
- but, you know, the stars align.
Uh, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
I appreciate it.
I just want to thank you for everything you do.
- You got it.
- He's he, like, wants to He's got, like, a sitcom idea.
He, like, wants to do a sitcom.
I do.
Well, yeah, that's that's true.
So it's not just stand-up.
- It's like, what you did, I wanna - Yeah.
I have an idea about a guy who's fed up with the public schools, right? And, um, so he pulls his kids out and he starts teaching them in his garage.
And then word gets out 'cause he's good at it.
- He's good at it.
- Right.
So then other kids start coming, and it's called "Holmes School.
" KAT: His last name is Holmes.
PETE: Pete Holmes, like homeschool.
So it's a guy who who lures kids into his garage.
Isn't that a Dateline episode? No, when you put it that way, it does sound creepy.
I I teach them.
- Is that a sitcom? Who knows? - PETE: I mean You know what? Maybe.
It probably could be.
Put that on your board.
That's what you do.
Take me down, put that idea on the board, and then we'll see if it's magic.
Here's the thing.
Listen to me.
I wanna give you some advice.
You seem like a funny guy.
Get on stage, man.
Be honest, be funny, be yourself, and, uh if it's supposed to happen, it's gonna happen.
- What's this? - Don't.
Don't do that.
I'm sorry.
I got excited.
I got excited.
- We gotta go.
- PETE: Thank you.
- KAT: It was so nice to talk to you.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- I do like the hat, Pete.
- I do like the hat.
- Thank you.
- I think it's "Phil.
" - RAY: It's Phil, right? Sorry.
(ALARM CHIMING) - Pete, wake up.
- (GROANS) Happy four-week-aversary! I have a surprise.
Get up.
- Was I funny? - You were funny.
Oh, gosh.
- (SCREAMS): Pete! - (LAUGHING): What an alarm.
What do you need? Come on! - What are we doing? - Wait.
- I don't want a knish.
- Wait, wait.
Cool.
- There.
There.
- PETE: What? The bus? Hold on.
You did that? Is that everywhere? It's just that bus.
Just this week.
I don't know what to say.
I wanted to show you so you would believe in yourself.
Because I believe in you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Chico, don't be discouraged The Man he ain't so hard to understand Chico, if you try now I know that you can lend a helping hand Because there's good in everyone And a new day has begun You can see the morning sun If you try And I know things will be better I know they will for Chico and the Man Well, the Man He don't trust you He thinks you try to bust up all his dreams But the Man He don't know now That you've got your own crazy plans and schemes PETE HOLMES: This is it? You ever stayed at a comedy club condo before? Looks like an assassin's hideout.
- JASON WEBBER: Look who it is.
- Hey.
What're you? Are you working this weekend? I'm not sure how to approach a woman.
Is there anything more creepy than asking, "Are we gonna do it missionary?" I was just wondering if maybe, I should headline? Actually, the owner did have some suggestions for you.
- Just smile more.
- You go to McDonald's, you say, "Can I make sure that there are no pickles on my burger?" It shouldn't be daunting to say to a woman, "Hey, can I put my pickle in your burger?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)