Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e03 Episode Script
Josh Is a Liar
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Hey, Heath.
- Name's Heather.
I'm a student.
I'm a student.
I'm a student? So tell me some other stuff about my future.
The wedding is in two weeks! I just wanted to drop off a little wedding present for you.
Does this have anything to do with Robert and Harvard Law School? - Who's Robert? - Right, so Robert was my dog, and he just left me one day.
- Robert, you know you can't leave me.
- It's over.
REBECCA: Josh is leaving me to become - a priest.
- Sue him.
PAULA: Breach of contract, financial damages.
REBECCA: Why doesn't anybody understand what I really want? Well, what do you really want? I want him to face what he did to me.
Do you know what this person did to me? You're gonna know everything he did to me and every terrible thing he made me do.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
(panting) I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
I told him everything.
I told him everything.
Stop saying that.
And take off that stupid dress.
It's embarrassing.
- Ugh.
What are you doing here? - You have no one to talk to.
Your anxiety is so palpable, it's manifested in human form as me, who is you.
- I guess that makes sense.
- You told Josh all the shady, lying crap that you did, and you did some crazy things, bro.
Even I'm surprised, and I'm you.
Tracking his car, breaking into his home, spying on him while he had sex with other girls? I mean, who does that stuff?! And then you confessed it all to him.
So stupid.
So now he knows the truth about you.
No.
Wait.
He doesn't know the whole truth.
Uh-uh.
He thinks Robert's a dog.
Yeah, everyone thinks that.
Yeah, and that's your only saving grace, 'cause if people found out that Robert was actually a professor that you stalked, and then you tried to burn down his apartment, which got you put into a loony bin Hey, "loony" is a derogatory term.
Loony! Loony! Loony! Ugh.
The things that you told Josh are unforgivable, and once he tells your friends, oh, they are all gonna be done with you.
He's not gonna tell anyone.
I mean, he's not even in West Covina.
He's up in priest school.
- Pre-school? - Priest school.
So, yeah.
Why would he tell anyone? Uh, maybe because you're about to sue him? Yeah, you're gonna literally force him to defend himself.
You handed him his defense with that rant in the church! Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that! Of course you didn't.
Now, you need to call off that case, you stalking, obsessive, psycho, crazy I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.
Don't call me crazy! Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me Crazy is how your loving makes me feel This is what I always want to be I like it when a girl gets crazy in bed Don't mess with the bitch who's crazy in the head - You do - You don't Want to be crazy - And you don't - You do Want to be crazy To clarify, yes, no, on the crazy We hope this helps.
What? (smacks lips) What? Well, you've been standing there all morning.
And I thought maybe you threw your back out, and I have a massager.
Actually, I have two one, two.
So, turn around, let me get on in there.
- Get out of here.
- Oh.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) Why are you anxious about this? There's no need to be anxious.
It's easy.
Just call off the case.
Let sleeping Chans lie.
It's fine.
Also, you need to keep your internal monologue internal starting now.
(sighs) - NATHANIEL: Hey, Rebecca.
Wait.
- What? What? What? Um (clears throat) - Well, I, uh - Hmm? I was, I was thinking about, um, well, about the other night.
When I tried to kill Josh's grandfather, that was weird.
Right? But the other thing that happened between us That wasn't weird, that was that was cool, right? Are you asking me if us having sex was cool? (laughs): No, I wouldn't do that.
That would be weird.
I wouldn't do that.
That's It's just that ever since the, you know, lovemaking, - the sex-making, um - (clears throat) I haven't heard from you.
Yeah.
Okay, so, um, sorry.
I've just been a little distracted, and I actually really can't talk now.
Oh, there's Paula.
I got to go.
Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, Paula.
Um, I need to talk to you about the case.
Ooh! Yes.
No, I need to talk to you, too.
Um, okay, so you know our favorite Internet thing? Celebrities with cellulite that look like kittens with yarn? I forgot about that.
No, our favorite blog.
The Corset.
- Feminist news, nail art and more? - Yes! I tweeted at them, told them a little about the case, just enough to wet their whistle, and they love it! They love it.
They want to do a piece on how the two of us are using our legal acumen to defeat the patriarchy, AKA Josh.
Me and you, two ladies of the law, just standing shoulder to shoulder with the scales of justice and no shirt on.
Paula, we need to drop the case.
What? Why would we ? What? (sighs) So, listen, I appreciate how hard you've been working.
I-I really do.
But I worry that our case isn't strong enough.
What do you mean? Okay, so you've taken the lead on this, which I so, so, so appreciate, but I was looking over some of the filings last night your filings - Yeah - and I don't think our legal bona fides are where they need to be.
It's a cute case, like, for a law student.
It's-it's-it's cute, and, like, I see the effort behind it, but I-I'm seeing the effort too much.
Oh, my God.
From one lawyer to another, someday, future, hopeful lawyer, I want to let you know It's like if you had spinach in your teeth, I'd tell you, and right now, I want to let you know on a professional level, we have spinach in our case.
(exhales): I-I-I thought it was good stuff, and I was wrong, and I'm super embarrassed, and I feel really stupid.
- No, no, no.
No, don't feel stupid.
Don't feel stupid.
- No, no, no.
No.
Look, you're in school.
You're learning.
- It's fine.
- That's what school is for.
Thank you, because I was about to file all those documents.
Oh, well, that - Which I will not do.
- Well, that would have been embarrassing.
- That would have been horrible.
- That would have been embarrassing.
And I will call the editor of The Corset, obviously, and tell them that we are not interested in an interview.
(sighs) Smart.
Now, that's a smart idea.
Yeah, but-but it's okay.
We move on.
Right? We're done.
NED: Done, done-done-done (to "Pomp and Circumstance"): Done, done Done, done-done-done, done Done Done-done-done, done, done Done, done-done, done-done.
- Ned, what are you doing? - You're done.
Get it? You're done with college.
What? I'm not a great bursar.
I should have noticed this earlier, but Heath Um, it's "Heather," actually, so just one more syllable, and then you're there.
Okay, Heather.
You've taken every course we have, all of them.
You took men's hockey twice.
Of course I did.
The cool of the ice, the sound of the puck hitting the stick.
What a rush.
Well, we don't let people stay here after they've completed every course, so, once you finish marine biology next week, you will be graduating.
No.
No.
No, no.
I'm a student.
Oh, not after next week.
Here is your cap and gown.
Congratulations, Heather.
Spread your wings.
You're about to fly! (whimpers) Is everything okay in here, sir? Yes.
Why? So, listen, Nathaniel, you've hired and fired me numerous times.
I've failed you at basically everything you've ever asked me to do.
Does this lead anywhere other than "you're fired" again? But I see it.
I see what I can do for you, what I can bring to this company.
I told you, we don't want to feature your pottery in the lobby.
Thanks.
That's not it.
That was just That's one of the things that I offer, and I think it's actually still very much on the table.
What I was going to say, though, is, I bring a lifelong experience in rejection.
What are you talking about? Look, I saw you out there with Rebecca.
She's blowing you off, sir, and I - I mean, it's real clear.
- That's not it.
We had sex, and now she's busy, that's all.
(sniffs) Oh.
(chuckles) Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel I've been through this, okay? And I know how to get you back in there when you're being ignored and rejected.
(laughs) This is not rejection.
Okay, I don't get rejected.
I've never been rejected.
Look at me.
I'm a white ten.
I don't get rejected.
I get approved for loans.
I mean, that's so offensive to both non-whites and non-tens, but, okay, can I explain it to you this way, sir? All right, you gave it to her good.
She liked it.
Status up here, okay? Then she leaves your apartment.
You're in bed clutching your covers to your chin like a child.
You call and text her.
Now you're chasing her through the entire office, being like, "Why won't you call me?" Bam! You got to get the power back.
You got to put the "Plimp" back in "Plimpton.
" - You mean, "Pimp.
" - I do not.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Stay with me.
You are going to ask her out on another date.
Then you're gonna make sweet, sweet love to her, and then, you leave, you do not call.
Where are you now? You're plimpin'.
You're big plimpin'.
You're an idiot, but you make a certain kind of sense.
Thank you so much.
You know, my shoulders are a little tight.
And I would love to help.
Thank you.
(clears throat) And breathe.
I really thought this stuff was all really strong.
Um, well, you know, it's-it's hard to have perspective on our own work sometimes, right? YOUNG REBECCA: Psst.
Come on, got to talk to you.
Get to the bathroom.
No.
Means no and that's a lesson for all you men.
YOUNG REBECCA: Hey, boobs.
Big ol' boobs.
- Over here.
Get to the bathroom.
- Stop it.
It's like stop writing so many books, Joyce Carol Oates.
Amen.
I'm drowning over here.
You know who should write more books? Michael Crichton.
He had all those hits and then (blows raspberry) Yeah, he's dead.
What? Wait, really? No.
I got to make some calls.
- Move, bitch.
- Okay! (singsongy): Okay, let's all get some coffee.
(laughs) I'll be right back.
Okay, what is wrong with you? I mean me.
- Check your phone, dum-dum.
- What? You got an alert and you were so busy making your best friend question her self-worth that you didn't even notice.
Okay.
Fine.
Josh Chan started a live video? Oh, my God.
I've been off the grid for a while.
Up here at the seminary, yo.
Talking to G.
O.
D.
and, uh, I came to a big revelation.
I have decided to leave the priesthood.
That's right, everyone.
Church is out of session for me.
I'm-a coming home.
Oh, boy.
Looks like someone's leaving priest school.
And you know what that means.
Okay, no, no, no.
It doesn't necessarily mean he's gonna tell everyone everything.
I got a lot to tell everyone.
A ton.
Like, a crazy amount.
But I want to tell everyone in person.
So, I'm shouting out to my friends.
If you want to get all the scoop, head on over to Home Base for happy hour today.
I'm gonna lay it all out for you.
The Home Base Bacon Boppers are on me.
See you then.
Chan out.
He's coming home and he's gonna tell everybody everything.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? BOTH: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? BOTH: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? - Okay, don't panic, don't panic.
- I'm your anxiety manifested.
That's all I do.
I got one mode.
Aah, let me think.
All right.
Do you remember what we did in seventh grade to Tiffany Fendersmith when we were running for student council treasurer? - That was awful what we did.
- Yeah, but we had no choice.
She was gonna ruin our reputation.
She saw us stuffing our bra with maxi pads in the locker room and she was gonna tell everyone.
I know, but still, what we did was pretty bad.
We had to, okay? We had to spread the rumor that she had a brain tumor that caused her to tell pathological lies and it worked.
We won the election and everyone called her Tiffany Tumorsmith for years.
It was pretty low.
- I spiraled with guilt for months.
- Yeah, I know.
I was there.
But what choice do we have? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So, we're gonna tell people Josh has a tumor? No.
We're gonna tell people that Josh is the tumor.
I'm not following me here.
We're gonna discredit Josh.
So even if he tells people what happened in the church, it won't matter, 'cause no one will believe him.
Me, follow me.
Hi, it's me.
Are you sitting down? It's about Crichton.
Hey.
I am so sorry about earlier.
You were totally right.
We need to stand proud with our-our shoulders back, and our head high, or whatever it is you said.
I want to do the case and the article with The Corset.
You said the case stunk.
No.
No.
That was fear talking.
- Really? - I was afraid.
And, you know what, we need to get Josh and we need to get him now.
So, should we take another look at these case filings, though? I mean, because, I mean, you have notes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, later, later, later.
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
But, like, right now, I just, I need you to call The Corset and tell them it's go time.
I am ready to share my truth our truth.
I'm ready to be heroes.
Let's be heroes.
Do you want to be a hero? Okay.
WOMAN: Heather.
You're finally graduating.
That's so great.
You did it.
You've reached for the moon and landed among the stars.
I guess so.
You-you guess so? Heather, this is it, your moment to shine, to tell the world that it's your time.
Oh, God.
Do I have to sing an inspirational musical theater song right now? I just can't.
(flatly): What does the future hold? What will tomorrow bring me? (groans) What story will be told? What song is gonna sing me? Geez.
This is my time to shine Step out of the line Throw open all the windows Might be an uphill climb But I just gotta find What's at the end Please don't make me say this.
Of this rainbow 'Cause the clock just keeps on ticking It doesn't care that time goes by What? The clock knows its destiny So why don't I? Ugh.
'Cause today is tomorrow's yesterday Can't let the future slip away Can't wait to meet whoever I will be 'Cause I am the moment The moment is me Ugh.
Oh, I guess it's time for a story.
There's an old woman in the park She looks so wise, so regal Was she ever lost in the dark? Did she ever soar like an eagle? - (eagle screeches) - It's just, like, so on the nose.
Old woman, please tell me your tale Did you succeed or did you fail? Did you ever reach your destiny? Wait.
I am the woman Please don't say it.
The woman is me Ugh.
BOTH: We are the moment The moment is Me BOTH: That was a living nightmare.
You get me.
Thank you so much for meeting us here.
We are massive fans of The Corset.
Oh, my God, such huge fans.
And we really think that this story is gonna inspire a whole new generation of female attorneys and-and show how the law can work for women.
Yes, and by the way, we would've met you at your office.
Oh, I don't have an office.
I can't afford it yet.
I'm working out of my mom's sun-room, but today is her book club day.
They're doing four Joyce Carol Oates books and it's like, Joyce, enough.
- Like, we get it.
Just stop.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, tell me more about this lawsuit against your ex and how he jilted you.
Well, you know, that's not the only important part of the case.
Uh, 'twere it so simple as that, but it 'twaint.
He jilted me, yes, but the-the most important thing people need to know is that he's a liar and that anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie because he's a lying liar man.
Yes.
That's, um, that's definitely part of it.
But, you know, I-I think of him more as someone who failed to perform their fiduciary and emotional obligations, and is, therefore, - liable in a court of law.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, b-b-b-but, but But circling back to the lies.
I mean, I-it's just so many lies.
Like, for instance, when he comes back to town and tells people crazy lies about me, he is 100% lying because he lies all the time.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay, what kind of lies? Great question.
I have an itemized list of all the lies right here.
What is that? Is that exhibit "R"? No.
It's exhibits "L" and "D," for Lies and Deception.
(chuckles) That's not how we code exhibits.
"Josh lied about believing in God and he only joined the priesthood - to steal donations from the church"? - Yep.
Wow.
That's not great.
But, uh, I mean, you know, even if he did, it's-it's not really germane to our Wait.
This guy is truly awful.
"Josh told his friend Josh Wilson " White Josh.
You're gonna want to use his street name.
" that he was okay with gay people, - but he's not.
" - No, he's not.
He doesn't like the "L"s, the "B"s, the "G"s, or the "T"s.
And he doesn't want any of them to have restrooms.
- Hold on a second.
What? - D-Did you see the part that he, uh, told his Hispanic friend Hector that he listens to his podcasts, but he doesn't, specifically because he's racist.
Yeah.
He only listens to, like, those white public radio shows.
- Oh.
- Yep.
Public radio? Josh? I mean, is there a different public radio? One with pictures? Carly, you can see that this is a huge story about a man who embodies deception and lies, so we want to get it out there as quick as possible.
Yeah.
I'll get to work on it.
I'll probably be able to run it this week.
Oh, a week.
I mean, uh, that's just hard because we actually have a lot of other offers.
So if you want to be the one to break this And I want it to be you, I really do You got to kind of Joyce Carol Oates this thing and (clicks tongue) publish it ASAP.
You know, preferably before happy hour, because that's when people check their phones the most.
Okay.
I'll-I'll get to work.
I'll see what I can do.
- Great.
- Great.
(laughs) Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- So nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Fighting the good fight.
Okay.
I know you're wondering why I never told you about all of Josh's hideous lies, but I I just wanted you to like him.
Okay? We worked so hard to land him, and I don't know.
I thought I could change him.
I-I No.
No, no, no.
I get it.
I get it.
I I guess, but I, I mean, is that why you were afraid to file the case and go public earlier? Yes.
Yes, that's why.
But it-it doesn't matter now because we're doing the case, and the article's coming out, and hopefully it'll be out before happy hour.
I mean, soon, soon.
Yeah.
I just can't believe it.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
(louder): I just can't believe it.
(exhales) Okay, so that was your cue to say, "What's wrong, Heath?" And then I would say, "It's actually Heather.
" And then we would talk about my problem.
Okay, uh, fine.
What's your problem? Okay, so my stupid college is forcing me to graduate.
Oh, my gosh.
Congrats.
Mazel.
No, it's no mazel.
I don't want to graduate.
I'm a student.
I like saying, "I'm a student.
" Marine biology is my last class, and I'm sad I wanted to take it again.
It would give me more time with Estrella.
I'm sorry, who? Um, Estrella.
Our third roommate.
Are you kidding? The starfish I've been taking care of for, like, three months.
Right there by the sink, in the flawless synthetic marine environment I created for her.
Okay, honestly, I thought that was a sponge, so, you know, it's a good thing I don't do dishes, right? - You're literally the worst.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, all right, you don't want to graduate.
So, you know, just fail the class, and you can stay.
How do I fail? I'm doing so well.
Kill the sponge.
Duh.
What? Murder my starfish? (groans) I mean, she doesn't have a central nervous system, so it wouldn't hurt, but she does have five eyes that look into my soul.
(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Look at this, look at this, look at this, look at this.
- It's up, it's up, it's up oh! - (laughing) It's even better than I imagined.
"Don't date this toxic man: stand up to the patriarchy, one Josh at a time.
" Whoa, Josh is an anti-vaxxer? I had no idea.
Can you forward this post to everyone you've ever met in your entire life? Yeah.
Now, I knew Josh was a jerk because he ditched Rebecca, but he's also a homophobic Holocaust denier? - Did you know about this? - Some of it, not all of it.
- (elevator bell dings) - Hello, everyone.
Oh, are you all reading it? Yeah.
You forwarding it? Are you gramming it, screenshotting it, tweetin' it, sendin' it to friends, group text, all that jazz, yeah? - You doing that? - I can't believe all this.
Josh is so dishonest.
I mean, nobody's gonna believe anything he says ever again.
Oh, my God, really? You think so? 'Cause that'd be great.
I mean, that'd be great because he's he's a liar, and it's been really hard and horrible, but, um, but-but keep forwarding, okay? Yeah.
Poor kid.
(footsteps approaching) - Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
You're gonna have dinner with me, tonight, 8:00 p.
m.
My place.
Be there.
Uh, wow, I-I just, I I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
This guy has dirt on us, remember? He almost killed someone for us.
You have to appease him.
Also, he's fly.
You're turning that down? Say yes, dumb idiot.
Okay, actually, fine.
- See you then, 8:00 p.
m.
- (elevator bell dings) What? (sniffs) Ah, the smells of a man's boyhood.
I am that man.
And that boy.
And I have a hood.
(chuckles) God, I love it when sentences work out.
(speaking indistinctly) You're all here! What up, y'all? Ooh-ooh! Ha-ha, my bros! White Josh and Hector and Chris.
Kev, baby.
You all look a little cranky.
You hungry? Kevin, where are those Bacon Boppers? Up your butt.
What's wrong? Are you mad because I left the priesthood? Um, you guys told me to come home.
No, we're mad because you're a lying liar lie-man! WHITE JOSH: Okay, okay.
Calm down, bud.
It's all good.
Josh, we just read a crazy article about you.
What is going on, dude? What article? What are you talking about? Well, read this.
It's gonna it's gonna be a while.
Okay, well, wait.
Th-This is all wrong.
This is not about me.
This article must be about the other Josh Chan, the one from Azusa, uh, uh, but they used my picture.
Uh-huh.
So you're saying that there's another Josh Chan that also dated Rebecca and also tried to join the priesthood? Maybe? Guys, you know me.
I-I would never do or say these things.
I don't know, Josh.
It's on the Internet.
It's probably true.
HECTOR: I mean, some of it's true.
Like, sometimes you call me "amigo," and you know I don't like it.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah, and you know what? Now that we're talking about this In fifth grade, you used to call me "Fancy Pants.
" They were fancy pants.
So many pockets.
Gay pockets? You always let me win in pinball? How is that not a lie? Oh, my God, I think it's working.
JOSH: Guys, guys, come on.
Don't you see who is behind this? It's obvious.
I mean, look who's quoted in this article.
- Joyce Carol Oates? - Rebecca! Those things in the article all come from her, and she's completely out of her mind.
Out of her mind? Okay, dude, I mean, she's a little peculiar, but No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm telling you, I know the truth.
Yesterday she came up to seminary in her wedding dress.
She told me the craziest stuff I've ever heard.
She admitted she moved here just to stalk me.
She's been spying on me since the second she got into town.
She secretly watched me have sex on two separate occasions.
She put a GPS on my car.
She wore a secret camera to Thanksgiving to spy on my family, she paid thousands of dollars to move up our wedding, - and tried to murder Gravy.
- Say what now? Anna's pretty Persian kitty.
Keep up, Hector.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy, and basically, a-a criminal mastermind, too.
I-I bet you all have cameras all over you.
Oh, my God.
Do you hear yourself, dude? This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, she's a smart lawyer, and you want us to believe that she just blabbed all this incriminating stuff to you? - I don't know, amigo.
- CHRIS: Face it, dude.
The only person who sounds crazy right now is you.
KEVIN: So, please leave, Joshua, so that we can have a happy hour.
(softly): Thank you.
Here you go, Chris.
- Oh, boy.
- YOUNG REBECCA: It's working! Yeah.
Wow, it really is.
We're ruining him! It's great.
Yeah.
Guess we won.
- PAULA: Hey.
- What? You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course.
- Justice is being served.
- Yes, it is.
Paula, um I just want to thank you for supporting me, you know, through all this.
You're a great friend.
Thank you.
Well, honey, of course I support you.
I'm Team Rebecca, always.
And we are doing a good thing with this case, I promise you.
- You're a role model.
- No, don't say that.
But you are.
You are like a Madonna, Malala, Moana salad.
(both laugh) - You really think I'm a role model? - Yes, absolutely.
Hmm.
(muttering) (sighs) I am not the crazy one.
(panting) (clicks tongue) Well, it's 8:30.
She's probably just a little late, that's all.
I don't know, man.
- I'm sorry.
I don't think she's coming.
- You're probably right.
(sighs) Damn it, George.
You were supposed to protect me from rejection, and all I got was more rejection.
Also, where do you get off calling me "man"? Of course.
I'm sorry sir.
I failed you.
How can I help now? Should we grab a beer and talk? Hash it out? Really work through some of those feelings? George, I hate and reject philosophically all the things that you just listed.
No.
When I'm in this kind of mood, I know what I need to do.
Uh Feelin' low, I need some time to think By myself, I pour another drink So many thoughts keep runnin' through my head I can't stay here, I hit da club instead I'm poppin' bottles just to clear my mind Clear my mind Bitches up on me and they lookin' fine We doin' lines, they wanna go all night Go all night, go all night But deep inside there's something still ain't right So then - I go to the zoo - Zoo, zoo Just kind of wander 'round the zoo I look at the monkeys (chittering) Their eyes look like my eyes It's so relaxing at the zoo Sayin' what's up to kangaroos My boys awake 'cause they nocturnal - I really, really like the zoo - Zoo, zoo, zoo Next night, I got this bitch up in my 'rari We drinking Cris, we eatin' calamari She tryin' to give me neck, this life insane But there's only one thing that can ease my pain I tell her get the hell out - Then I go to the zoo in San Diego - San Diego It's really such a better zoo My favorite's probably the cheetahs But I ain't messin' with no zebra I know the night guard at the zoo Zoo, zoo, zoo His name is Ron, my man's legit He knows that I love Panda Canyon Sometimes he lets me bottle-feed the cub Cub, cub, cub Man, when's it gonna stop? When's it gonna end? Sometimes, even the zoo isn't enough So then I go to the aquarium It's like a zoo for fishies I know the night guard there, too Wait, what the hell happened to Susan? He kicks me out, here's what I do I take my ass back to the zoo Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo.
(slurps) JOSH: This guy Trent gave that to me the day of the wedding.
Eh, Trent is Rebecca's ex-boyfriend.
Weird guy.
Always wears turtlenecks.
Anyway, he gave this to me.
And you never opened it? I was afraid to.
I-I knew it probably said bad stuff about Rebecca, and I didn't want to know what it was, and I knew I had too many doubts to marry her, no matter what her past was.
So when I got to the seminary, I just threw it out.
Then, like, in the middle of the night, I woke up, ran out to the trash, grabbed it and put it in my duffle bag.
My Spidey-sense told me I might need it.
And now, I think I do.
Because she is coming after me, man.
She's trying to ruin my life.
So now, I need to know what's in there.
Then you need to open it, Josh.
You're an adult now, dude.
These are your choices to make.
But what if there's anthrax, or a dead body in there? Uh, you think there's a dead body inside that envelope? I don't know, like, ashes or something with spirits in it? Okay.
You know what? Let's let's do it.
Let's just open the envelope.
Okay? Thanks.
Morning.
So, I didn't do it.
I didn't kill Estrella.
I was up all night looking into each and every eye, and I just, like, couldn't Hey, guess what, you know this whole, like, role model thing? I could get used to it.
Like, I just woke up to an e-mail from wait for it Sally Jessy Raphael's people.
Okay, so she's coming back.
She's starting a new show.
It's Web-based, it's streaming, it's a podcast, I don't know, but I'm very excited.
Right, so I guess I'm gonna have to graduate.
And, if I'm gonna be the face of a groundbreaking lawsuit, I mean, I'm gonna need some new feminist nail art, right? Hey, do you want to come with me later to get some? - Sure.
Well, thanks for listening.
- Oh, my God.
Any time, babe.
Okay.
Okay, so I'm thinking the word "woman" could be spelled out on my fingers, but with, like, a "Y," or maybe just, like, a bunch of unicorns.
I don't know.
I'll text you.
(door closes) (sighs) All right, girl.
Guess we're gonna have to cap and gown it.
The moment is me.
Ugh.
GEORGE: Sir, I've been thinking about it, and yes, we had a setback.
But I think there's still time to change this power dynamic.
All right? I re-read The Art of War last night George, we're way past all that.
You don't understand; the zoo didn't work.
The zoo.
I feel the same way today as I did yesterday.
It's awful.
My stomach hurts.
I can't eat anything.
I'm doodling pictures of Rebecca on every legal brief.
- I'm smiling at babies.
- Oh - Babies are disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
This is more than sex and power.
This is something else.
Oh, no.
("Oh My God I Think I Like You" playing) - Oh, my God, I think I like her.
- (elevator bell dings) Hi.
Did you hear about Sally Jessy Raphael? It's okay, I'll tell you later.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Hey, Darryl, have you seen Paula? Yeah, she was here earlier, working on that case that you guys have been doing, that doesn't make any money for the firm, but I don't say anything about.
And then, suddenly, she checked her messages, and ran out the door.
- Messages? - Yep.
By the way, the reason I was confused earlier is that some of Michael Crichton's books came out after he died.
They were published posthumously.
After he was a human.
What do I do? What do I do, George? I think there's only one thing you can do.
I think you have to tell her your feelings.
I told you I hate that kind of thing.
I know, I know, I know, but I think you have to, or you might regret it.
(dialing) PAULA (on voice mail): Paula Proctor.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one saved message.
BRAH: Hey, Paula.
It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
It's about Rebecca.
Can you come down to the office? Oh, uh, and for now, it's probably best if you don't talk about this with her.
(exhales) Uh, uh, Rebecca, wait.
- (sighs) - Go.
So, you said it was a Rebecca emergency ? (door creaks) What is Josh doing here? Paula, Robert is not a dog.
I drove through traffic for "Robert is not a dog"? Paula, why don't you have a seat? Yeah.
(quietly): Why don't I just have a seat? Paula, Robert was Rebecca's professor, and, uh there were some things that happened between them.
This is a restraining order that he was granted after Rebecca tried to burn down his apartment.
This is a sealed criminal indictment for the attempted arson.
Now, instead of prison, she was sentenced to a psychiatric hospital.
These are the intake papers.
Now, according to Josh, she hasn't told anyone in West Covina about her past, - and I know that I am using a calm tone - right now, but, um I am, I'm freaking out.
Oh, my God.
I mean, I I had no idea.
No, I-I know.
Um, it's shocking for all of us.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
REBECCA: Okay, maybe-maybe I, maybe I can talk to them.
- Maybe I can explain.
- Are you crazy? We got to run.
We got to start over.
What? Don't pack a pantsuit.
We don't need pantsuits! Why are you panicking? They're my friends, they love me, they'll-they'll understand.
- They'll forgive me.
- Like Robert forgave you? Like Josh forgave you? Babe, trust me, you're going straight back to that loony bin unless we get out of here.
These people are not your friends.
You've never had friends before, so why would you now? No, you're right.
They're not my friends.
I mean, why would they be? Who would like me? I'm gross, I-I'm stupid and I'm a dum-dum.
Now pack a damn pantsuit 'cause you never know.
Okay, good point.
All right, well, your anxiety has ruined your life, so I guess I'm done.
I'm out of here.
What? No.
Don't-don't leave me.
Please, I can't be alone.
I can't be alone.
Please.
I can't be alone with my thoughts! - (knocking on window) - Oh, you came back.
Nathaniel? What are you doing here? I'm here to tell you that there are feelings inside of me that are pertinent to you.
- Huh? - I've tried to deny my very embarrassing and human emotions, but I can't, okay? So here they are.
(inhales, exhales deeply) (clears throat) I feel things for you.
Oh God oh.
Oh, that's what this is.
Listen.
Okay, listen.
Buddy, I've been in your position before, but now is not the time.
I-I got a whole thing going on, and I-I got to get the hell out of town Okay, great.
That's perfect.
Let's get out of town.
I'll call my jet, tell them to fuel up, - and we'll go, we'll go away together.
- No.
Go away together, no right.
Oh, right.
You have a jet.
Yeah, and I'll take you wherever you want to go.
Rome, Paris? God, I don't even know who I am.
I've never done anything like this before.
This is crazy.
What? No, don't, don't.
Don't, don't.
Stop it.
Stop Oh.
Oh, wow.
This is nice.
Oh, I'm really tired.
Ah.
And you know what? Rome sounds a lot better than I was gonna do, which was just drive until my gas ran out.
So you know what? Let's do it.
- Can you grab my bag? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you for saving me.
You're like my knight in shining armor right now.
Well, when you find someone who melts the iceberg that is your heart, you save 'em right back because you want tomorrow to start today forever.
Okay, buddy, let's go.
Yeah, all right.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called.
You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run.
Just go around her.
It's fine.
- What? - Just go around her.
Just Oh - No, I'm serious.
Stop.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey.
- Okay, well, uh, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait.
We need to talk about this.
- Name's Heather.
I'm a student.
I'm a student.
I'm a student? So tell me some other stuff about my future.
The wedding is in two weeks! I just wanted to drop off a little wedding present for you.
Does this have anything to do with Robert and Harvard Law School? - Who's Robert? - Right, so Robert was my dog, and he just left me one day.
- Robert, you know you can't leave me.
- It's over.
REBECCA: Josh is leaving me to become - a priest.
- Sue him.
PAULA: Breach of contract, financial damages.
REBECCA: Why doesn't anybody understand what I really want? Well, what do you really want? I want him to face what he did to me.
Do you know what this person did to me? You're gonna know everything he did to me and every terrible thing he made me do.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
(panting) I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
I told him everything.
I told him everything.
Stop saying that.
And take off that stupid dress.
It's embarrassing.
- Ugh.
What are you doing here? - You have no one to talk to.
Your anxiety is so palpable, it's manifested in human form as me, who is you.
- I guess that makes sense.
- You told Josh all the shady, lying crap that you did, and you did some crazy things, bro.
Even I'm surprised, and I'm you.
Tracking his car, breaking into his home, spying on him while he had sex with other girls? I mean, who does that stuff?! And then you confessed it all to him.
So stupid.
So now he knows the truth about you.
No.
Wait.
He doesn't know the whole truth.
Uh-uh.
He thinks Robert's a dog.
Yeah, everyone thinks that.
Yeah, and that's your only saving grace, 'cause if people found out that Robert was actually a professor that you stalked, and then you tried to burn down his apartment, which got you put into a loony bin Hey, "loony" is a derogatory term.
Loony! Loony! Loony! Ugh.
The things that you told Josh are unforgivable, and once he tells your friends, oh, they are all gonna be done with you.
He's not gonna tell anyone.
I mean, he's not even in West Covina.
He's up in priest school.
- Pre-school? - Priest school.
So, yeah.
Why would he tell anyone? Uh, maybe because you're about to sue him? Yeah, you're gonna literally force him to defend himself.
You handed him his defense with that rant in the church! Oh, my God, you're right.
Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that! Of course you didn't.
Now, you need to call off that case, you stalking, obsessive, psycho, crazy I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.
Don't call me crazy! Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me Crazy is how your loving makes me feel This is what I always want to be I like it when a girl gets crazy in bed Don't mess with the bitch who's crazy in the head - You do - You don't Want to be crazy - And you don't - You do Want to be crazy To clarify, yes, no, on the crazy We hope this helps.
What? (smacks lips) What? Well, you've been standing there all morning.
And I thought maybe you threw your back out, and I have a massager.
Actually, I have two one, two.
So, turn around, let me get on in there.
- Get out of here.
- Oh.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) Why are you anxious about this? There's no need to be anxious.
It's easy.
Just call off the case.
Let sleeping Chans lie.
It's fine.
Also, you need to keep your internal monologue internal starting now.
(sighs) - NATHANIEL: Hey, Rebecca.
Wait.
- What? What? What? Um (clears throat) - Well, I, uh - Hmm? I was, I was thinking about, um, well, about the other night.
When I tried to kill Josh's grandfather, that was weird.
Right? But the other thing that happened between us That wasn't weird, that was that was cool, right? Are you asking me if us having sex was cool? (laughs): No, I wouldn't do that.
That would be weird.
I wouldn't do that.
That's It's just that ever since the, you know, lovemaking, - the sex-making, um - (clears throat) I haven't heard from you.
Yeah.
Okay, so, um, sorry.
I've just been a little distracted, and I actually really can't talk now.
Oh, there's Paula.
I got to go.
Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, Paula.
Um, I need to talk to you about the case.
Ooh! Yes.
No, I need to talk to you, too.
Um, okay, so you know our favorite Internet thing? Celebrities with cellulite that look like kittens with yarn? I forgot about that.
No, our favorite blog.
The Corset.
- Feminist news, nail art and more? - Yes! I tweeted at them, told them a little about the case, just enough to wet their whistle, and they love it! They love it.
They want to do a piece on how the two of us are using our legal acumen to defeat the patriarchy, AKA Josh.
Me and you, two ladies of the law, just standing shoulder to shoulder with the scales of justice and no shirt on.
Paula, we need to drop the case.
What? Why would we ? What? (sighs) So, listen, I appreciate how hard you've been working.
I-I really do.
But I worry that our case isn't strong enough.
What do you mean? Okay, so you've taken the lead on this, which I so, so, so appreciate, but I was looking over some of the filings last night your filings - Yeah - and I don't think our legal bona fides are where they need to be.
It's a cute case, like, for a law student.
It's-it's-it's cute, and, like, I see the effort behind it, but I-I'm seeing the effort too much.
Oh, my God.
From one lawyer to another, someday, future, hopeful lawyer, I want to let you know It's like if you had spinach in your teeth, I'd tell you, and right now, I want to let you know on a professional level, we have spinach in our case.
(exhales): I-I-I thought it was good stuff, and I was wrong, and I'm super embarrassed, and I feel really stupid.
- No, no, no.
No, don't feel stupid.
Don't feel stupid.
- No, no, no.
No.
Look, you're in school.
You're learning.
- It's fine.
- That's what school is for.
Thank you, because I was about to file all those documents.
Oh, well, that - Which I will not do.
- Well, that would have been embarrassing.
- That would have been horrible.
- That would have been embarrassing.
And I will call the editor of The Corset, obviously, and tell them that we are not interested in an interview.
(sighs) Smart.
Now, that's a smart idea.
Yeah, but-but it's okay.
We move on.
Right? We're done.
NED: Done, done-done-done (to "Pomp and Circumstance"): Done, done Done, done-done-done, done Done Done-done-done, done, done Done, done-done, done-done.
- Ned, what are you doing? - You're done.
Get it? You're done with college.
What? I'm not a great bursar.
I should have noticed this earlier, but Heath Um, it's "Heather," actually, so just one more syllable, and then you're there.
Okay, Heather.
You've taken every course we have, all of them.
You took men's hockey twice.
Of course I did.
The cool of the ice, the sound of the puck hitting the stick.
What a rush.
Well, we don't let people stay here after they've completed every course, so, once you finish marine biology next week, you will be graduating.
No.
No.
No, no.
I'm a student.
Oh, not after next week.
Here is your cap and gown.
Congratulations, Heather.
Spread your wings.
You're about to fly! (whimpers) Is everything okay in here, sir? Yes.
Why? So, listen, Nathaniel, you've hired and fired me numerous times.
I've failed you at basically everything you've ever asked me to do.
Does this lead anywhere other than "you're fired" again? But I see it.
I see what I can do for you, what I can bring to this company.
I told you, we don't want to feature your pottery in the lobby.
Thanks.
That's not it.
That was just That's one of the things that I offer, and I think it's actually still very much on the table.
What I was going to say, though, is, I bring a lifelong experience in rejection.
What are you talking about? Look, I saw you out there with Rebecca.
She's blowing you off, sir, and I - I mean, it's real clear.
- That's not it.
We had sex, and now she's busy, that's all.
(sniffs) Oh.
(chuckles) Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel I've been through this, okay? And I know how to get you back in there when you're being ignored and rejected.
(laughs) This is not rejection.
Okay, I don't get rejected.
I've never been rejected.
Look at me.
I'm a white ten.
I don't get rejected.
I get approved for loans.
I mean, that's so offensive to both non-whites and non-tens, but, okay, can I explain it to you this way, sir? All right, you gave it to her good.
She liked it.
Status up here, okay? Then she leaves your apartment.
You're in bed clutching your covers to your chin like a child.
You call and text her.
Now you're chasing her through the entire office, being like, "Why won't you call me?" Bam! You got to get the power back.
You got to put the "Plimp" back in "Plimpton.
" - You mean, "Pimp.
" - I do not.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Stay with me.
You are going to ask her out on another date.
Then you're gonna make sweet, sweet love to her, and then, you leave, you do not call.
Where are you now? You're plimpin'.
You're big plimpin'.
You're an idiot, but you make a certain kind of sense.
Thank you so much.
You know, my shoulders are a little tight.
And I would love to help.
Thank you.
(clears throat) And breathe.
I really thought this stuff was all really strong.
Um, well, you know, it's-it's hard to have perspective on our own work sometimes, right? YOUNG REBECCA: Psst.
Come on, got to talk to you.
Get to the bathroom.
No.
Means no and that's a lesson for all you men.
YOUNG REBECCA: Hey, boobs.
Big ol' boobs.
- Over here.
Get to the bathroom.
- Stop it.
It's like stop writing so many books, Joyce Carol Oates.
Amen.
I'm drowning over here.
You know who should write more books? Michael Crichton.
He had all those hits and then (blows raspberry) Yeah, he's dead.
What? Wait, really? No.
I got to make some calls.
- Move, bitch.
- Okay! (singsongy): Okay, let's all get some coffee.
(laughs) I'll be right back.
Okay, what is wrong with you? I mean me.
- Check your phone, dum-dum.
- What? You got an alert and you were so busy making your best friend question her self-worth that you didn't even notice.
Okay.
Fine.
Josh Chan started a live video? Oh, my God.
I've been off the grid for a while.
Up here at the seminary, yo.
Talking to G.
O.
D.
and, uh, I came to a big revelation.
I have decided to leave the priesthood.
That's right, everyone.
Church is out of session for me.
I'm-a coming home.
Oh, boy.
Looks like someone's leaving priest school.
And you know what that means.
Okay, no, no, no.
It doesn't necessarily mean he's gonna tell everyone everything.
I got a lot to tell everyone.
A ton.
Like, a crazy amount.
But I want to tell everyone in person.
So, I'm shouting out to my friends.
If you want to get all the scoop, head on over to Home Base for happy hour today.
I'm gonna lay it all out for you.
The Home Base Bacon Boppers are on me.
See you then.
Chan out.
He's coming home and he's gonna tell everybody everything.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? BOTH: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? BOTH: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? - Okay, don't panic, don't panic.
- I'm your anxiety manifested.
That's all I do.
I got one mode.
Aah, let me think.
All right.
Do you remember what we did in seventh grade to Tiffany Fendersmith when we were running for student council treasurer? - That was awful what we did.
- Yeah, but we had no choice.
She was gonna ruin our reputation.
She saw us stuffing our bra with maxi pads in the locker room and she was gonna tell everyone.
I know, but still, what we did was pretty bad.
We had to, okay? We had to spread the rumor that she had a brain tumor that caused her to tell pathological lies and it worked.
We won the election and everyone called her Tiffany Tumorsmith for years.
It was pretty low.
- I spiraled with guilt for months.
- Yeah, I know.
I was there.
But what choice do we have? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So, we're gonna tell people Josh has a tumor? No.
We're gonna tell people that Josh is the tumor.
I'm not following me here.
We're gonna discredit Josh.
So even if he tells people what happened in the church, it won't matter, 'cause no one will believe him.
Me, follow me.
Hi, it's me.
Are you sitting down? It's about Crichton.
Hey.
I am so sorry about earlier.
You were totally right.
We need to stand proud with our-our shoulders back, and our head high, or whatever it is you said.
I want to do the case and the article with The Corset.
You said the case stunk.
No.
No.
That was fear talking.
- Really? - I was afraid.
And, you know what, we need to get Josh and we need to get him now.
So, should we take another look at these case filings, though? I mean, because, I mean, you have notes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, later, later, later.
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon.
But, like, right now, I just, I need you to call The Corset and tell them it's go time.
I am ready to share my truth our truth.
I'm ready to be heroes.
Let's be heroes.
Do you want to be a hero? Okay.
WOMAN: Heather.
You're finally graduating.
That's so great.
You did it.
You've reached for the moon and landed among the stars.
I guess so.
You-you guess so? Heather, this is it, your moment to shine, to tell the world that it's your time.
Oh, God.
Do I have to sing an inspirational musical theater song right now? I just can't.
(flatly): What does the future hold? What will tomorrow bring me? (groans) What story will be told? What song is gonna sing me? Geez.
This is my time to shine Step out of the line Throw open all the windows Might be an uphill climb But I just gotta find What's at the end Please don't make me say this.
Of this rainbow 'Cause the clock just keeps on ticking It doesn't care that time goes by What? The clock knows its destiny So why don't I? Ugh.
'Cause today is tomorrow's yesterday Can't let the future slip away Can't wait to meet whoever I will be 'Cause I am the moment The moment is me Ugh.
Oh, I guess it's time for a story.
There's an old woman in the park She looks so wise, so regal Was she ever lost in the dark? Did she ever soar like an eagle? - (eagle screeches) - It's just, like, so on the nose.
Old woman, please tell me your tale Did you succeed or did you fail? Did you ever reach your destiny? Wait.
I am the woman Please don't say it.
The woman is me Ugh.
BOTH: We are the moment The moment is Me BOTH: That was a living nightmare.
You get me.
Thank you so much for meeting us here.
We are massive fans of The Corset.
Oh, my God, such huge fans.
And we really think that this story is gonna inspire a whole new generation of female attorneys and-and show how the law can work for women.
Yes, and by the way, we would've met you at your office.
Oh, I don't have an office.
I can't afford it yet.
I'm working out of my mom's sun-room, but today is her book club day.
They're doing four Joyce Carol Oates books and it's like, Joyce, enough.
- Like, we get it.
Just stop.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, tell me more about this lawsuit against your ex and how he jilted you.
Well, you know, that's not the only important part of the case.
Uh, 'twere it so simple as that, but it 'twaint.
He jilted me, yes, but the-the most important thing people need to know is that he's a liar and that anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie because he's a lying liar man.
Yes.
That's, um, that's definitely part of it.
But, you know, I-I think of him more as someone who failed to perform their fiduciary and emotional obligations, and is, therefore, - liable in a court of law.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, b-b-b-but, but But circling back to the lies.
I mean, I-it's just so many lies.
Like, for instance, when he comes back to town and tells people crazy lies about me, he is 100% lying because he lies all the time.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay, what kind of lies? Great question.
I have an itemized list of all the lies right here.
What is that? Is that exhibit "R"? No.
It's exhibits "L" and "D," for Lies and Deception.
(chuckles) That's not how we code exhibits.
"Josh lied about believing in God and he only joined the priesthood - to steal donations from the church"? - Yep.
Wow.
That's not great.
But, uh, I mean, you know, even if he did, it's-it's not really germane to our Wait.
This guy is truly awful.
"Josh told his friend Josh Wilson " White Josh.
You're gonna want to use his street name.
" that he was okay with gay people, - but he's not.
" - No, he's not.
He doesn't like the "L"s, the "B"s, the "G"s, or the "T"s.
And he doesn't want any of them to have restrooms.
- Hold on a second.
What? - D-Did you see the part that he, uh, told his Hispanic friend Hector that he listens to his podcasts, but he doesn't, specifically because he's racist.
Yeah.
He only listens to, like, those white public radio shows.
- Oh.
- Yep.
Public radio? Josh? I mean, is there a different public radio? One with pictures? Carly, you can see that this is a huge story about a man who embodies deception and lies, so we want to get it out there as quick as possible.
Yeah.
I'll get to work on it.
I'll probably be able to run it this week.
Oh, a week.
I mean, uh, that's just hard because we actually have a lot of other offers.
So if you want to be the one to break this And I want it to be you, I really do You got to kind of Joyce Carol Oates this thing and (clicks tongue) publish it ASAP.
You know, preferably before happy hour, because that's when people check their phones the most.
Okay.
I'll-I'll get to work.
I'll see what I can do.
- Great.
- Great.
(laughs) Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- So nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Fighting the good fight.
Okay.
I know you're wondering why I never told you about all of Josh's hideous lies, but I I just wanted you to like him.
Okay? We worked so hard to land him, and I don't know.
I thought I could change him.
I-I No.
No, no, no.
I get it.
I get it.
I I guess, but I, I mean, is that why you were afraid to file the case and go public earlier? Yes.
Yes, that's why.
But it-it doesn't matter now because we're doing the case, and the article's coming out, and hopefully it'll be out before happy hour.
I mean, soon, soon.
Yeah.
I just can't believe it.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
(louder): I just can't believe it.
(exhales) Okay, so that was your cue to say, "What's wrong, Heath?" And then I would say, "It's actually Heather.
" And then we would talk about my problem.
Okay, uh, fine.
What's your problem? Okay, so my stupid college is forcing me to graduate.
Oh, my gosh.
Congrats.
Mazel.
No, it's no mazel.
I don't want to graduate.
I'm a student.
I like saying, "I'm a student.
" Marine biology is my last class, and I'm sad I wanted to take it again.
It would give me more time with Estrella.
I'm sorry, who? Um, Estrella.
Our third roommate.
Are you kidding? The starfish I've been taking care of for, like, three months.
Right there by the sink, in the flawless synthetic marine environment I created for her.
Okay, honestly, I thought that was a sponge, so, you know, it's a good thing I don't do dishes, right? - You're literally the worst.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, all right, you don't want to graduate.
So, you know, just fail the class, and you can stay.
How do I fail? I'm doing so well.
Kill the sponge.
Duh.
What? Murder my starfish? (groans) I mean, she doesn't have a central nervous system, so it wouldn't hurt, but she does have five eyes that look into my soul.
(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Look at this, look at this, look at this, look at this.
- It's up, it's up, it's up oh! - (laughing) It's even better than I imagined.
"Don't date this toxic man: stand up to the patriarchy, one Josh at a time.
" Whoa, Josh is an anti-vaxxer? I had no idea.
Can you forward this post to everyone you've ever met in your entire life? Yeah.
Now, I knew Josh was a jerk because he ditched Rebecca, but he's also a homophobic Holocaust denier? - Did you know about this? - Some of it, not all of it.
- (elevator bell dings) - Hello, everyone.
Oh, are you all reading it? Yeah.
You forwarding it? Are you gramming it, screenshotting it, tweetin' it, sendin' it to friends, group text, all that jazz, yeah? - You doing that? - I can't believe all this.
Josh is so dishonest.
I mean, nobody's gonna believe anything he says ever again.
Oh, my God, really? You think so? 'Cause that'd be great.
I mean, that'd be great because he's he's a liar, and it's been really hard and horrible, but, um, but-but keep forwarding, okay? Yeah.
Poor kid.
(footsteps approaching) - Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Uh, I'm actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
You're gonna have dinner with me, tonight, 8:00 p.
m.
My place.
Be there.
Uh, wow, I-I just, I I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
This guy has dirt on us, remember? He almost killed someone for us.
You have to appease him.
Also, he's fly.
You're turning that down? Say yes, dumb idiot.
Okay, actually, fine.
- See you then, 8:00 p.
m.
- (elevator bell dings) What? (sniffs) Ah, the smells of a man's boyhood.
I am that man.
And that boy.
And I have a hood.
(chuckles) God, I love it when sentences work out.
(speaking indistinctly) You're all here! What up, y'all? Ooh-ooh! Ha-ha, my bros! White Josh and Hector and Chris.
Kev, baby.
You all look a little cranky.
You hungry? Kevin, where are those Bacon Boppers? Up your butt.
What's wrong? Are you mad because I left the priesthood? Um, you guys told me to come home.
No, we're mad because you're a lying liar lie-man! WHITE JOSH: Okay, okay.
Calm down, bud.
It's all good.
Josh, we just read a crazy article about you.
What is going on, dude? What article? What are you talking about? Well, read this.
It's gonna it's gonna be a while.
Okay, well, wait.
Th-This is all wrong.
This is not about me.
This article must be about the other Josh Chan, the one from Azusa, uh, uh, but they used my picture.
Uh-huh.
So you're saying that there's another Josh Chan that also dated Rebecca and also tried to join the priesthood? Maybe? Guys, you know me.
I-I would never do or say these things.
I don't know, Josh.
It's on the Internet.
It's probably true.
HECTOR: I mean, some of it's true.
Like, sometimes you call me "amigo," and you know I don't like it.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah, and you know what? Now that we're talking about this In fifth grade, you used to call me "Fancy Pants.
" They were fancy pants.
So many pockets.
Gay pockets? You always let me win in pinball? How is that not a lie? Oh, my God, I think it's working.
JOSH: Guys, guys, come on.
Don't you see who is behind this? It's obvious.
I mean, look who's quoted in this article.
- Joyce Carol Oates? - Rebecca! Those things in the article all come from her, and she's completely out of her mind.
Out of her mind? Okay, dude, I mean, she's a little peculiar, but No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm telling you, I know the truth.
Yesterday she came up to seminary in her wedding dress.
She told me the craziest stuff I've ever heard.
She admitted she moved here just to stalk me.
She's been spying on me since the second she got into town.
She secretly watched me have sex on two separate occasions.
She put a GPS on my car.
She wore a secret camera to Thanksgiving to spy on my family, she paid thousands of dollars to move up our wedding, - and tried to murder Gravy.
- Say what now? Anna's pretty Persian kitty.
Keep up, Hector.
I'm telling you, Rebecca's crazy, and basically, a-a criminal mastermind, too.
I-I bet you all have cameras all over you.
Oh, my God.
Do you hear yourself, dude? This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, she's a smart lawyer, and you want us to believe that she just blabbed all this incriminating stuff to you? - I don't know, amigo.
- CHRIS: Face it, dude.
The only person who sounds crazy right now is you.
KEVIN: So, please leave, Joshua, so that we can have a happy hour.
(softly): Thank you.
Here you go, Chris.
- Oh, boy.
- YOUNG REBECCA: It's working! Yeah.
Wow, it really is.
We're ruining him! It's great.
Yeah.
Guess we won.
- PAULA: Hey.
- What? You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course.
- Justice is being served.
- Yes, it is.
Paula, um I just want to thank you for supporting me, you know, through all this.
You're a great friend.
Thank you.
Well, honey, of course I support you.
I'm Team Rebecca, always.
And we are doing a good thing with this case, I promise you.
- You're a role model.
- No, don't say that.
But you are.
You are like a Madonna, Malala, Moana salad.
(both laugh) - You really think I'm a role model? - Yes, absolutely.
Hmm.
(muttering) (sighs) I am not the crazy one.
(panting) (clicks tongue) Well, it's 8:30.
She's probably just a little late, that's all.
I don't know, man.
- I'm sorry.
I don't think she's coming.
- You're probably right.
(sighs) Damn it, George.
You were supposed to protect me from rejection, and all I got was more rejection.
Also, where do you get off calling me "man"? Of course.
I'm sorry sir.
I failed you.
How can I help now? Should we grab a beer and talk? Hash it out? Really work through some of those feelings? George, I hate and reject philosophically all the things that you just listed.
No.
When I'm in this kind of mood, I know what I need to do.
Uh Feelin' low, I need some time to think By myself, I pour another drink So many thoughts keep runnin' through my head I can't stay here, I hit da club instead I'm poppin' bottles just to clear my mind Clear my mind Bitches up on me and they lookin' fine We doin' lines, they wanna go all night Go all night, go all night But deep inside there's something still ain't right So then - I go to the zoo - Zoo, zoo Just kind of wander 'round the zoo I look at the monkeys (chittering) Their eyes look like my eyes It's so relaxing at the zoo Sayin' what's up to kangaroos My boys awake 'cause they nocturnal - I really, really like the zoo - Zoo, zoo, zoo Next night, I got this bitch up in my 'rari We drinking Cris, we eatin' calamari She tryin' to give me neck, this life insane But there's only one thing that can ease my pain I tell her get the hell out - Then I go to the zoo in San Diego - San Diego It's really such a better zoo My favorite's probably the cheetahs But I ain't messin' with no zebra I know the night guard at the zoo Zoo, zoo, zoo His name is Ron, my man's legit He knows that I love Panda Canyon Sometimes he lets me bottle-feed the cub Cub, cub, cub Man, when's it gonna stop? When's it gonna end? Sometimes, even the zoo isn't enough So then I go to the aquarium It's like a zoo for fishies I know the night guard there, too Wait, what the hell happened to Susan? He kicks me out, here's what I do I take my ass back to the zoo Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo.
(slurps) JOSH: This guy Trent gave that to me the day of the wedding.
Eh, Trent is Rebecca's ex-boyfriend.
Weird guy.
Always wears turtlenecks.
Anyway, he gave this to me.
And you never opened it? I was afraid to.
I-I knew it probably said bad stuff about Rebecca, and I didn't want to know what it was, and I knew I had too many doubts to marry her, no matter what her past was.
So when I got to the seminary, I just threw it out.
Then, like, in the middle of the night, I woke up, ran out to the trash, grabbed it and put it in my duffle bag.
My Spidey-sense told me I might need it.
And now, I think I do.
Because she is coming after me, man.
She's trying to ruin my life.
So now, I need to know what's in there.
Then you need to open it, Josh.
You're an adult now, dude.
These are your choices to make.
But what if there's anthrax, or a dead body in there? Uh, you think there's a dead body inside that envelope? I don't know, like, ashes or something with spirits in it? Okay.
You know what? Let's let's do it.
Let's just open the envelope.
Okay? Thanks.
Morning.
So, I didn't do it.
I didn't kill Estrella.
I was up all night looking into each and every eye, and I just, like, couldn't Hey, guess what, you know this whole, like, role model thing? I could get used to it.
Like, I just woke up to an e-mail from wait for it Sally Jessy Raphael's people.
Okay, so she's coming back.
She's starting a new show.
It's Web-based, it's streaming, it's a podcast, I don't know, but I'm very excited.
Right, so I guess I'm gonna have to graduate.
And, if I'm gonna be the face of a groundbreaking lawsuit, I mean, I'm gonna need some new feminist nail art, right? Hey, do you want to come with me later to get some? - Sure.
Well, thanks for listening.
- Oh, my God.
Any time, babe.
Okay.
Okay, so I'm thinking the word "woman" could be spelled out on my fingers, but with, like, a "Y," or maybe just, like, a bunch of unicorns.
I don't know.
I'll text you.
(door closes) (sighs) All right, girl.
Guess we're gonna have to cap and gown it.
The moment is me.
Ugh.
GEORGE: Sir, I've been thinking about it, and yes, we had a setback.
But I think there's still time to change this power dynamic.
All right? I re-read The Art of War last night George, we're way past all that.
You don't understand; the zoo didn't work.
The zoo.
I feel the same way today as I did yesterday.
It's awful.
My stomach hurts.
I can't eat anything.
I'm doodling pictures of Rebecca on every legal brief.
- I'm smiling at babies.
- Oh - Babies are disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
This is more than sex and power.
This is something else.
Oh, no.
("Oh My God I Think I Like You" playing) - Oh, my God, I think I like her.
- (elevator bell dings) Hi.
Did you hear about Sally Jessy Raphael? It's okay, I'll tell you later.
It's fine.
Yeah.
Hey, Darryl, have you seen Paula? Yeah, she was here earlier, working on that case that you guys have been doing, that doesn't make any money for the firm, but I don't say anything about.
And then, suddenly, she checked her messages, and ran out the door.
- Messages? - Yep.
By the way, the reason I was confused earlier is that some of Michael Crichton's books came out after he died.
They were published posthumously.
After he was a human.
What do I do? What do I do, George? I think there's only one thing you can do.
I think you have to tell her your feelings.
I told you I hate that kind of thing.
I know, I know, I know, but I think you have to, or you might regret it.
(dialing) PAULA (on voice mail): Paula Proctor.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one saved message.
BRAH: Hey, Paula.
It's me, Father Brah.
We have an emergency.
It's about Rebecca.
Can you come down to the office? Oh, uh, and for now, it's probably best if you don't talk about this with her.
(exhales) Uh, uh, Rebecca, wait.
- (sighs) - Go.
So, you said it was a Rebecca emergency ? (door creaks) What is Josh doing here? Paula, Robert is not a dog.
I drove through traffic for "Robert is not a dog"? Paula, why don't you have a seat? Yeah.
(quietly): Why don't I just have a seat? Paula, Robert was Rebecca's professor, and, uh there were some things that happened between them.
This is a restraining order that he was granted after Rebecca tried to burn down his apartment.
This is a sealed criminal indictment for the attempted arson.
Now, instead of prison, she was sentenced to a psychiatric hospital.
These are the intake papers.
Now, according to Josh, she hasn't told anyone in West Covina about her past, - and I know that I am using a calm tone - right now, but, um I am, I'm freaking out.
Oh, my God.
I mean, I I had no idea.
No, I-I know.
Um, it's shocking for all of us.
It's like we never really knew her.
Yeah, you're screwed.
REBECCA: Okay, maybe-maybe I, maybe I can talk to them.
- Maybe I can explain.
- Are you crazy? We got to run.
We got to start over.
What? Don't pack a pantsuit.
We don't need pantsuits! Why are you panicking? They're my friends, they love me, they'll-they'll understand.
- They'll forgive me.
- Like Robert forgave you? Like Josh forgave you? Babe, trust me, you're going straight back to that loony bin unless we get out of here.
These people are not your friends.
You've never had friends before, so why would you now? No, you're right.
They're not my friends.
I mean, why would they be? Who would like me? I'm gross, I-I'm stupid and I'm a dum-dum.
Now pack a damn pantsuit 'cause you never know.
Okay, good point.
All right, well, your anxiety has ruined your life, so I guess I'm done.
I'm out of here.
What? No.
Don't-don't leave me.
Please, I can't be alone.
I can't be alone.
Please.
I can't be alone with my thoughts! - (knocking on window) - Oh, you came back.
Nathaniel? What are you doing here? I'm here to tell you that there are feelings inside of me that are pertinent to you.
- Huh? - I've tried to deny my very embarrassing and human emotions, but I can't, okay? So here they are.
(inhales, exhales deeply) (clears throat) I feel things for you.
Oh God oh.
Oh, that's what this is.
Listen.
Okay, listen.
Buddy, I've been in your position before, but now is not the time.
I-I got a whole thing going on, and I-I got to get the hell out of town Okay, great.
That's perfect.
Let's get out of town.
I'll call my jet, tell them to fuel up, - and we'll go, we'll go away together.
- No.
Go away together, no right.
Oh, right.
You have a jet.
Yeah, and I'll take you wherever you want to go.
Rome, Paris? God, I don't even know who I am.
I've never done anything like this before.
This is crazy.
What? No, don't, don't.
Don't, don't.
Stop it.
Stop Oh.
Oh, wow.
This is nice.
Oh, I'm really tired.
Ah.
And you know what? Rome sounds a lot better than I was gonna do, which was just drive until my gas ran out.
So you know what? Let's do it.
- Can you grab my bag? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you for saving me.
You're like my knight in shining armor right now.
Well, when you find someone who melts the iceberg that is your heart, you save 'em right back because you want tomorrow to start today forever.
Okay, buddy, let's go.
Yeah, all right.
HEATHER: Rebecca, wait.
Paula called.
You cannot leave.
Uh, just, uh, run.
Just go around her.
It's fine.
- What? - Just go around her.
Just Oh - No, I'm serious.
Stop.
- Giddy-up! Giddy-up, horsey.
- Okay, well, uh, she's in my way now.
- You cannot go.
Rebecca, wait.
We need to talk about this.