Curb Your Enthusiasm s03e03 Episode Script

My agent calls, he has an audition for me for a biker.
- Right.
- So, I'm just psyched, and I get my "Hell's Angels" jacket on and my leather, and I bust into the room.
And there's 30 actors with bicycle shorts on the spandex ones and little gloves, and I'm just going, "Oh, brutal.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
You remember Brad, or you this is Brad.
- Hey, Brad.
- Gosh, I didn't even hear you come in.
You were laughing hard.
I guess you couldn't hear the door.
That was funny.
He was telling me some bad audition stories.
- It's hard being an actor.
- It is, it is.
- It's not too bad.
- No, you seem to be doing all right.
Yeah.
Well you know, you guys continue.
I'll go upstairs, no big deal, and I'll talk to you later.
- What are you talking about? - No, I gotta go, I got an audition.
Yeah, no, I gotta go.
And I will see you Thursday and we'll do it again.
- Yeah, all right.
- Thanks for the beer.
- Yeah.
- Okay, take it easy.
Bye, Brad.
- See ya.
- Bye.
You know, I'm thinking, maybe I'll go out and get myself a heterosexual single woman to play golf with.
Oh, Larry, are you a little jealous? What's going on? No, I'm not jealous.
I'm just saying I'm gonna I can't have a friend? - You're pretty naive.
- We can't play tennis? Play tennis, I don't care.
He still wants to sleep with you.
He's attracted to you, and he wants to have sex with you.
- You don't think he does? - No, I don't think he does.
- You don't know anything about men.
- Is that right? That's right, yeah.
You know what? I wouldn't even be playing tennis with him if you played tennis with me.
You want to play tennis with me? I'll play tennis with you, fine.
Okay.
Yeah, call him up, say you're playing tennis - with me on Thursday.
- All right, I will.
- All right.
- That'll be lovely.
Boy, the restaurant's looking good.
- Looks great.
- Yeah, I know, wow.
Yeah, three weeks away.
You happy you did it? This is very cool.
I'm glad you talked me into it.
Yeah, how you doing? Yesterday I get home, and there's this guy in my living room who plays tennis with my wife.
He's an actor.
I said, it's wrong.
She's got this, what, this heterosexual friend? - Why is he at your house? - Why is he at my house? Exactly.
She said, "Then you play tennis with me.
" So, I said, "Okay, I'll play tennis with you.
" Now I got to play tennis with her.
That's better than him pulling something.
- Huh? - Better than - Hey! What the hell? - Oh, jeez.
Is that coffee? Give me table salt, we've got a spill.
Give me a towel.
- Wow.
- All right.
What are you doing? This is an old restaurant trick.
You got to dilute the stain with club soda.
Pour club soda on the stain and then you put on table salt.
Club soda and then salt, huh? - That's gonna get that stain out? - Um-hmm, um-hmm.
Get out of here.
Really? This has to set a few minutes, then it'll be fine.
- Is that so? - Oh, yes.
Well, I love that.
- Hey, Larry? - Hey, Randy.
We need to talk.
- You got a minute? - Sure.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Jeff.
I'm out, guys.
What do you mean, what are you talking about? - Out? Out of what? - I can't do this.
I can't cook in this restaurant.
I'm no good, I suck.
What? That's ridiculous.
- You cooked at my house last week.
- It was delicious.
You don't want me.
I'm doing you a big favor, believe me.
What is this about, the peanuts? Is that what this is about? That didn't help, because a lot of cooks it's frowned on when they poison someone.
- Is it because he asked for ketchup? - I always have ketchup.
- No - My mom gave me ketchup.
He loves ketchup, so what? You can't go by him.
Where's this coming from? What are you talking about? It's coming from the pressure.
This is going to be a big celebrity restaurant, I've been reading the publicity.
- It's making me nuts, I can't sleep.
- What?! This place is gonna get reviewed, you know.
You've built this up in your imagination.
This is crazy.
Look, I'm really sorry.
It is not me.
Can't do it.
Just I'm sorry.
Can't.
Hey, Randy.
Look, man, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
What? Huh.
He just quit.
Randy just quit? Wh-why? He was upset, he didn't feel like he can do it.
He felt inadequate and didn't think he was a good cook, and all the pressure of the restaurant opening - He doesn't want to be reviewed.
- And all the publicity - A chef doesn't want to be reviewed? - Doesn't want to be reviewed.
Was it the whole peanut thing? Is that what upset him? No, we never mentioned the peanut thing.
No, he feels pressure.
Do we have any ideas, like, three weeks away, what are we gonna do? Find somebody.
I don't know anybody, but we'll find somebody.
I don't know anybody, no.
Wait a minute.
Josh.
Josh would be great.
The guy who cooks for us at home.
He'd be fabulous.
If we could come over and try it.
Yeah.
Obviously we'd have to come over and sample it, right? Yeah, come on over and you can sample it.
Oh, yes, he's a great cook.
- You don't want to hold him back, huh? - No, no.
Oh, my God! He got it all out.
The stain's gone.
Club soda and salt.
The trick is to get to the stain before it dries.
Whatever happened to that that place for your parents? I'm getting them that apartment on Barrington.
All right.
- Oh! - You know what? I swear to you I'm gonna kill you when that ball hits me.
So, my mother will start getting that new treatment at Cedars-Sinai and hopefully she'll get better and they'll go home.
Hey, Melanie, Ed.
Hey, how are you guys doing? Hey, good.
Lawrence.
It's so good to see you.
Hi.
- You guys look good.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Just playing some tennis.
- Playing some tennis, yeah.
- So are we.
It's good to see you guys.
Thank you.
- All right.
- Yeah, have a good game.
- Yes.
You too.
- Bye bye.
What the hell was that? I don't know.
She was acting like she doesn't even know me.
When was the last time you called her? I don't know, about three months ago, maybe? Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
You know, we never really bought 'em a wedding gift.
And it's been over a year.
- Yeah, it's over a year.
- How did we forget a wedding gift? We should just pick something up.
- You know, I don't want - Fine, we'll get them Every time we run into them I don't want it to be like that.
But it's ridiculous to harbor a grudge because we didn't get a present.
We went out of our way to fly to Chicago to their wedding.
We should pick something up for them.
Buy 'em a car.
You okay? - Is that good? - It was out.
- That was out? - Yeah.
If we were playing doubles it would've been good.
You know what? You gotta stop the grunting.
What are you talking about? You grunt on every shot.
Every shot you hit, you, "Ungh! Ungh!" You make this disgusting noise Ungh! You don't hear it? - No.
- What do you mean, no? That's how I play.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
You grunt every shot.
It's really annoying and it's throwing me off.
Oh! Is that why you're losing? It sounds like pigs fucking.
How do you like this? Would you like to listen to this, huh? Ungh! I don't mind it.
Ungh! All right, that's the game.
And set.
I really think I've finally found the perfect sock.
I'm not kidding.
'Cause it's not exactly white.
You don't want a white sock.
It's sort of a Is this boring you? I don't know.
If you had said to me, "I found a perfect pair of socks," I'd go, "No kidding? Where'd you get them? What are they like?" So, you know that play, "Tony and Tina's Wedding"? I think I might go on Friday.
Oh.
- What? - You don't want me to go with you? I didn't know that you'd want to go.
I'm throwing it out there.
Why wouldn't I want to go? I enjoy the theater as much as the next guy.
The characters mix in with the audience.
- So what? I'm fine with that.
- You are? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
So how come you want to go see that? I've just heard a lot about it you know, and Brad's in it.
So Oh.
What is wrong with you? You're thinking about going to see "Tony and Tina's Wedding" on Friday night, and Brad is in it.
I want us to go see "Tony and Tina's Wedding.
" - Oh, do you? - I do.
Yeah.
You know what? Go see "Tony and Tina's Wedding.
" That's fine.
No, I want us to go together.
Yeah, I heard what you said.
- It wasn't that hard to figure out - I meant "we.
" I'll just go see the show and go home.
Don't worry about me.
- Oh, no, listen - You and Brad can go have some beers.
- It's fine.
Don't - I was saying, "we.
" - It was the assumed "we.
" - There was no assumed "we.
" - You said "I.
" - When I make plans, I think of us.
You're reading things into it.
- I don't think I am.
- I think you are.
I think you're completely reading things into this.
I don't think so.
You are so busted.
I am not.
Listen, I want to go with you.
No.
Don't you want to go with me? I don't know.
It depends on what you'll do for it.
- I'll do just about anything.
- Is that right? Yeah, yeah.
Do you have a problem with that? No, I like this.
Getting in trouble, using sex to get out of it this is very good.
Okay, good, then we're both happy.
Oh, shit! All right, don't worry about it.
It's cranberry juice.
It's not gonna come out anyway.
Come here.
Oh, no, no, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
I saw this at the restaurant today.
Club soda and salt! Gets the whole stain out.
You know what? It's an old rug.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, no.
Wait till you see this.
You're gonna be amazed.
Time's of the essence! Where's the salt?! - Where's the salt?! - It's by the stove! I hope I'm not too late.
That's the only thing I hope.
I hope I'm not too late.
Club soda, okay? Put the club soda, use very liberally, do a tap-tap I saw him tap-tap.
Now the salt, salt all over.
Don't spare the salt.
And you are gonna be amazed at how this works.
That's it.
That's all you need to do.
And, we've still got a few minutes till it dries.
Are you out of your mind? - Why? - Are you kidding me? Come on, we got a few minutes.
Gonna dry.
I gave you a window of opportunity that has slammed closed.
What do you mean you gave me a "window of opportunity"? - Honey - What? No.
All right.
When you get up tomorrow morning, that stain's gonna be all gone.
You watch.
Hey.
Come on in.
Hope you're hungry.
- How are you, Jeff? - Good.
How are you doing, man? Good, good, good, good.
You're in for a treat.
He's very excited.
Hey, Josh! - What are you talking about? - He's so excited.
Hi, gentlemen.
How are you? I'm Josh.
Larry.
- Yeah, Jeff.
- Jeff, nice to meet you.
I just want to thank you for the opportunity for possibly being your chef for the new restaurant.
I'm gonna run back in and do some last-minute prep, but I will see you in a bit.
Thank you.
- This is gonna be fun.
- What did you do? What do you mean, what did I do? Why did you tell him that we were coming for that purpose? - What was I supposed to do? - Tell him, "Friends over for dinner.
" You didn't have to tell him the whole thing.
- What's the big deal? - An audition's a lot of pressure.
We have three weeks, that's a lot of pressure.
This is not He's a good cook.
Relax, come enjoy.
Come on, seriously.
You're impossible.
Pass the salt, please? That's a nice shirt.
Yeah, my mom got it for me.
She dropped it off at the office.
What is that? A velour or something? Don't know.
It's very comfortable.
All right, all right, what do you think? Come on.
- Food? Great! - Yeah? Yeah, great.
He knows his stuff.
- He really does meat well.
- Tender.
- You were right, good call.
- Thank you, thank you.
What do you think, Larry? Eh.
What do you mean, "Eh"? Eh.
- You're crazy.
- You walked in with this attitude.
- I didn't walk in with any attitude.
- You did too.
- Just 'cause I told him before.
- That's bullshit.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- Why do you say that? - 'Cause you weigh eight pounds.
What do you know about food? Thin people know more about food than fat people.
I have more food experience than you, my friend.
Let me tell you something, okay? I never got laid a lot, but that doesn't mean the guy who got laid more than me appreciated it any more.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? A guy who gets laid a lot knows more about He might know more about sex but he doesn't appreciate it any more.
I appreciate it.
You know, you are such a pain in the ass.
All right, fine.
What are we gonna do? What do you want to do? We'll just have to find somebody who we all agree on.
No, I mean, what do you want to do about Josh? He worked his heart out for this meal.
Well, you know, what are we supposed to do? We can't hire him if we don't all agree on it.
- All right, fine, you tell him.
- I don't have to tell him.
Josh! Gentlemen, how was everything? Did you enjoy your lamb? - Wonderful.
- It was delicious.
Good.
Did you enjoy the plum, apricot, and mint chutney? The chutney was amazing.
Thank you very much.
Yes? Larry has something he wants to tell you.
Yes, Larry? It was good.
I just don't think it's quite right for the restaurant, though.
What was wrong with it? A little saucy.
A little too saucy.
"Saucy"? Yeah, kind of saucy.
Was there anything else? Mmm not really.
I guess dessert's out of the question.
- No, I'll still take dessert.
- I'll take dessert too.
Okay.
And you have decaf? I'd love a decaf too.
A little bit of skim milk.
- Ted? - No.
Okay.
What should we get for their wedding present? I love how these people take their shopping carts bring 'em home and leave them there.
What is that? So, I was thinking maybe that store on Montana Avenue.
You know, I really don't like not driving.
You should've let me drive.
It's my car.
On the way back, I'm gonna drive.
Why? I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.
No, really.
I feel very dull.
Mm-hmm.
You want me to sing, or you want the radio? I think I'd rather the radio.
All right.
- What is this, a tape? - Um-hmm.
What are you doing with a tape? I thought you only buy CDs.
Actually, a friend loaned it to me.
Who is this? It's Al Green.
Who gave you this tape? Brad.
It's good, isn't it? You oughta be with me "You oughta be with me"? Is that what he's saying? - You oughta be with me - "You oughta be with me.
" That's what he's singing about? What is wrong with you? Wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape "You oughta be with me"? You know what, I don't know I swear to God, this thing gets worse every time.
No, listen Every day, this story is getting worse and worse and worse.
All right.
What about a nice bowl, huh? You know what? They've probably got tons of bowls.
I'm sure they were registered somewhere.
Everybody likes a good bowl for cereal and I feel like I'm not gonna find anything in here.
Because they probably have all this stuff, right? - Dishes and stemware - There's not much in here.
Why don't we just get them a nice piece of fish? We should just go next door to that wine shop and get an expensive bottle of wine.
Let's do that.
- How expensive? - 200, 250? I don't know.
It's got to be a good one, - they'll know the difference.
- Oh, of course they will.
All right, are you coming? What, between this and a wine store? No, I'll stay here.
All right, I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hi.
What can I help you find? Oh, nothing, you know, I'm just browsing.
Yeah, you got that "bewildered" look.
I know it's a lot to take in.
We'll just - No, I'm okay.
- If we narrow it down You know what? I appreciate it.
I'm not really shopping.
I'm kind of browsing.
If I need help, I'll let you know.
- Oh, take your time.
- Okay, thank you.
Oh, all the napkin rings in the store are 10% off.
Just this week.
Not just these, there's a million more.
They're all 10% off.
- Okay.
- They make such great gifts.
Oh, we have come here for a second.
Let me show You know what? I'm really not interested in buying anything.
But thank you.
If you're looking in the something more affordable, - we have smaller items.
- It's not that.
I'm just not looking.
I'm not interested, but thank you.
Okay.
Flatware is always great.
All right, look.
Can you stop following me around, please? I'm not interested in buying anything.
Stop following me.
I don't really understand what's giving you that idea.
Are you maybe you're paranoid.
You've done a complete circle with me now in the store.
Why are you here if you're not interested in buying anything? You've never heard of browsers? Is that word unfamiliar to you, a browser? - Please leave.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
Have a great day.
- I'm well on the way.
You know what? We should drop this off at the Loebs'.
You know, we're in the neighborhood.
- $300.
- I know.
- So ridiculous.
- But it's a good one.
Hello? Hey, Cheryl.
Brad.
- Hi, Brad.
- Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Larry's in the car.
Oh, hey, hey, Larry.
- Hey, Brad.
- How you doing? Pretty good.
Hey, Cheryl, still coming to "Tony and Tina's Wedding"? - Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going too, Brad.
Oh, okay, great.
Hey Larry, still looking for a chef? Actually, I am.
Well, my friend, Paul is the chef at Alsace and he's thinking about leaving.
I know that place, Alsace.
That's a good restaurant.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you know what? Why don't we go eat there after the show, and you can check out the food? Okay, that sounds pretty good.
All right, well hey, I'll see you at the show.
- Okay, bye.
- Take it easy, Cheryl.
"Larry's in the car.
" What? "Larry's in the car.
If you plan on doing any dirty-talking, better save it for another time because Larry's in the car.
" I was letting him know, to be polite.
When you're on speakerphone, you're supposed to let people know - Yes.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
who's listening.
I mean, I think that you would be excited.
He might have found a chef.
I actually am.
I think that could be good.
I'll call Ted and Jeff and set it up.
Okay.
What is this? Oh, my God.
Oh, shit, there's a cop, what do we do? Just pull over, Larry.
Oh, here we go, Jesus Christ.
What did you do? Let me see your driver's license, sir.
- Can I ask what I did? - Sure can.
Sir, we had a report from a young lady on her cell phone saying you've been following her in your car.
Following someone, what? I'm going to drop off a bottle of wine.
It's a friend's house in Moreno.
- Okay, well, we did have - This is the guy.
I can't believe you were doing this.
This guy came into the store where I work and accused me of following him around, and then had, like, a little freak-out fit.
- Now he's following me.
- I don't know what she's talking about.
You're turning left when I'm turning left, turning right when I'm turning right.
This is, like, your sick revenge? You follow me around and scare me like that? - This is just so idiotic.
- What is wrong with you? Would you explain to me why you've been following this lady? I'm not following her.
I was in a store, - and she was following me.
- I heard that part, I understand.
- I was not following him.
- You don't even know how to work in a store.
People ask you to leave them alone, and you harass them! - First of all, I was not following you! - You were so following me! I was not following you, I work there.
We're in a residential neighborhood here, please.
- When my husband finds out about this, - Ma'am, go back to your car.
- there's gonna be a problem.
- I'm worried about your husband.
You know what? You are.
Sir, why don't you stay in your car for a moment? I'll be right back with you.
Maybe we should've called first.
We're right in the neighborhood.
What's the difference? But do you drop by somebody's house? Sure.
You got a gift, you drop by.
- Hey, Melanie.
- Hello.
- Hi.
What's going on? - Hey, Ed! - Hi.
- We were just in the neighborhood.
And thought we'd drop off your wedding gift.
I'm sorry it's late, congratulations.
We can't take your wedding are you serious? - No.
- We can't take a wedding gift now.
We got married 14 months ago.
You can't give a gift after a year, you know that.
I know, that's why I'm sorry.
You can't give a gift after a year? What happens after a year? - You can't give it.
That's the cut-off.
- You can't give it? You can give it with an apology.
This is a beautiful bottle of wine.
- We can't take it! - It's an afterthought, and it's late.
We just spent $300 on this bottle of wine for you and you're not accepting it?! Is that what you're saying? We can't take the gift after a year.
You had no problem taking the $200 engagement vase we got you.
You had no problem with the shower gift.
What'd you get her? - The nightgown.
- The nightgown, that was okay.
Then we flew to Chicago for your little wedding bash.
You're into us now for about $5,500, as I see it.
First of all, it was not a "little wedding.
" We had 266 people there.
- Then why did you come? - Because she put a gun to my head, - that's why! - I don't believe that.
- You came 'cause you wanted to come.
- I was desperate to go to your wedding.
If it was too expensive, you shouldn't have come, Larry.
And I'm sorry that you can't accept a gift - after 12 months, but you just can't.
- It's the way things are.
They don't want the wine.
We're past the cut-off, we're sorry.
You would do the same thing.
I know you would do the same.
By the way, do you have anybody in there to clean up the mess I'm about to make? - No, no, no.
- Now you're being silly.
- Thank you! - Next time call.
You know what I was just thinking, maybe you should've worn a sports coat.
You think so? That's true.
Everybody's wearing well, he's not wearing a sport jacket.
He might be an actor.
That might be part of his character.
Oh.
That's what happens the actors mingle.
All right, I'm gonna go use the bathroom.
Okay, I'll grab a pew.
Hey, how you doing? I'm Angelo.
Antola, Angelo Antola.
Hi, Brad.
Brad? Hey, so, you with Tony's side or Tina's side? Brad, you know, cut the shit, okay? Shit? Brad? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- I'm on Tina's side.
- Oh, are you? Yeah, yeah, me and Tina, we're close.
It's a shame she's gonna marry that jerk.
Only doing it for the money.
She don't love him.
She doesn't love him.
But me and Tina, that's a different story.
- We got something special, me and her.
- Oh, do you? Between the two of us, no one would understand, really.
Yeah, well, you're a very complex person.
Thank you.
We have a better understanding of things than that cocksucker.
- That cocksucker, Tony.
- Yeah, that cocksucker.
Yeah, he's a cocksucker, Tony.
Yeah, one day, me and Tina, we'll end up together, 'cause this will never work.
- Yeah, you think so? - Oh, yeah.
Then I'll finally slip her the "sausage.
" - Oh, is that right? - That's right.
That very formidable sausage of yours.
And she will be forever grateful, my friend.
Yeah, it's been fun doing this little improv with you.
Improv, whatever you want to call it.
I'll see you later at the restaurant.
At the reception, you bet, you bet.
I'll swing by, I'll say hello.
Yeah, well, good, that's good, okay, yeah.
- Hey, that's not bad.
- You swing by.
I'll see you later, okay? I'll see you later.
Okay.
You guys missed a great show.
You should check it out.
- Don't you think? - Yeah, it was really good.
- Brad was great, by the way.
- Thank you.
Hey, Larry, some guy named Angelo keeps looking for you.
He was doing some shtick in the bathroom.
Nothing funnier than shtick in the bathroom.
It was good, it was good.
You should check it out.
- I'm hungry, shall we do this? - I'm starving.
I'll tell you what, we should order everything on the menu.
- All right.
- The chef's name's Paul? - Paul.
- Chef Paul.
Want to get some wine? Something? I'm thirsty.
I know this seems crazy but Oh, I didn't know you brought the wine.
I know, it was a surprise.
Excuse me, could you open this wine for us? - Well, sure.
- Thank you.
Oh, wait till you hear this story.
So, we had these friends that got married They didn't take it? So, they didn't take it, and Larry started shouting.
- And I just grabbed it - Look at that.
They actually didn't accept the gift.
I've never heard of anything so crazy.
- It was crazy.
- $300 bottle of wine, we win.
- Here's to the Loebs.
- Yeah, to the Loebs.
Hey, what's your problem?! What is your problem? Cheryl, don't move.
I've got it under control.
I need club soda and salt.
Hey, you, turn around, look at her, right there.
- Is this the guy? That's him? - Yes.
- You were following my wife? - I wasn't following her.
She called the cops on you.
Look at me.
I need salt, I need salt.
I'm talking to you.
I said look at me! She was scared half to death, and you're some kind of pervert following her in the store?! I'll take you outside look at me! I will kick your ass right now!