Dad's Army (1968) s03e03 Episode Script

- Sergeant Wilson! - Sir! Fall the men in! Platoon, fall in! Attention! - Very sloppy indeed! - Get knotted! - Take that man's name, Sergeant! - All right, sir.
Till the Hun is on the floor and he cries aloud no more - Sergeant Wilson! - Sir! - Fall the men in! - Right, sir.
Platoon, fall in! Right, platoon Platoon, 'shun! - Very sloppy indeed.
- Get knotted! - Take that man's name, Sergeant! - All right, sir.
- Sergeant Wilson! - Yes, sir? - Fall the men in! - Right, sir.
Platoon, fall in! Platoon, 'shun! - Very sloppy indeed.
- Get knotted! - Take that man's name, Sergeant! - Right, sir.
William Potter.
Died 1910, sir.
- Sergeant Wilson! - Sir! - Fall the men in.
- Right, sir.
Platoon, fall in! Excellent morning's work, men.
First-class exercise in the art of camouflage.
Pay attention.
The subject for my lecture is communication.
In the event of an invasion, enemy paratroopers will try to capture the following points.
The gasometer here, the railway bridge there, the telephone exchange here and the water reservoirthere.
With those points out of action, the town would be crippled.
No gas, no trains, no telephones and nowater.
Now, as you know, very few of us can survive for long without water to drink.
I've been managing it for years.
In short, all these parts of the town are absolutely vital, so the object of our exercise is To prevent the enemy from getting his taking control of our vital parts.
Yes, I suppose you could put it that way.
Now, we shall station two men at each of these strategic points and in the event of an attack, one man will rush to the nearest telephone box and phone me here at the church hall.
Excuse me, sir.
If one man is phoning you, what happens to the man who is left behind? He'll be rushing the other way.
Walker, Walker! This is not a matter for levity.
No, the other man will pin the enemy down with constant withering fire.
That might be a bit difficult, sir, constant withering fire.
We've only got five rounds each.
- We'll have to make each shot tell, won't we? - Yes, sir.
You'll notice I've pinpointed on the map the nearest telephone box to the points concerned.
There's one 100 yards from the railway bridge, another one 50 yards from the gasometer here and one outside the gates of the reservoir there.
Now, our problem is the telephone exchange because the nearest one to that is over half a mile away down here, so there would be some delay in summoning help.
Perhaps it would save time, sir, if we used a telephone in the exchange.
- What? - Well, it would save time.
- Oh, yes.
Very good.
Well done, Wilson.
- Thank you.
As soon as I get a call, I shall relieve you at the head of a swift, mobile attacking unit.
By the way, see that your bicycles are all in good working order.
Just one thing, sir.
What happens if the phone boxes are out of action? In that case, we should have to improvise.
Anybody got any suggestions? - Yes, sir, I've got several suggestions.
- Wilson, write all this down.
- Permission to speak, sir! - Yes.
One of us can climb to the top of the gasometer and heliograph down on to the church hall.
That's a long way for one man to heliograph! - I don't quite follow you, Jones.
- You get the rays of the sun on a mirror, sir.
We used to signal like that in India on the North-West Frontier when we was fighting the Pathans.
- They'd come out at you with a long knife and - Yes, yes, all right! We could heliograph, sir.
One snag is you can't see the gasometer from the church hall.
Couldn't one of us be on top of the church tower? That's good.
That's a very good idea.
Make a note of that, Wilson.
Ah, there is one slight snag.
These points face in different directions, so the man might not be looking in the right direction.
- He might be walking around.
- Yes, yes, that's very good.
What have we got so far, Wilson? We've got Jones on top of the gasworks flashing his heliograph and a man on top of the tower sort of just it's ridiculous, just walking around.
I'm not too happy about Jones' heliograph.
You can't rely on the sun.
Might be raining.
- What about ticktacking? - Ticktack? Like they do at the racecourse.
When they're signalling the odds.
All you need is a pair of white gloves and you're away.
I've a rather nice pair of white evening gloves I could let you have, sir.
I used to wear them at the annual ball of the Civil Service Stores staff party.
It's a long time ago.
People don't bother now.
I think it's a pity 'cause I never feel a gentleman is properly dressed unless he's wearing gloves.
Why don't we shoot a hole in the top of the gasometer and set fire to it? - You'd be able to see that for miles, sir.
- I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy.
He asks for advice and then sneers at you All right.
All right, Jones! Jones, just I know how to get a signal from the railway bridge.
You tap-tap-tap on the railway line and you can hear that furlong after furlong if you lay your ear on the railway line.
A train may come along and run over your ear.
Don't be silly.
You can hear the train coming! - (ALL ARGUE) - All right, settle down now.
At least it's stimulated a lively discussion, but we'll assume that the telephones are working.
Erm, sir, I'm not allowed to use public telephone boxes.
Me mum says it's unhygienic.
You can catch things from the receiver.
- You can hold it away from your face.
- I tried that once, but I couldn't hear.
- You don't know how to use a phone box? - No.
- How do you make a call? - Uncle Arthur lets me use the one at the bank.
- I don't use it often.
- I'm glad.
- Only when I'm phoning me auntie in Scotland.
- I'll speak to you later, Wilson! I'm not very good at automatic telephone boxes either.
I always get so muddled up.
I'm quite hopeless at machines.
Yes.
Only one thing.
I shall have to show you how to use a telephone box.
- You've got to be a right nana - It's for those who don't know how to use one! All right? Pay attention.
- My mum says you get mastiffs in your ear! - Pike! I think we'd better do it by numbers.
On the command of one, you pick up the receiver with the left hand.
On the command of two, put the coins in the box.
Ching-ching, ching-ching.
''Ching-ching'' What's this ching-ching thing, sir? - The coins dropping into the box.
- I see.
Don't be put off by this noise.
It's perfectly normal.
The operator will then say, ''Number, please.
'' And you give the number here which is Walmington-on-Sea - 333.
- Yes, yes, I know the number.
Then the operator says, ''I'm connecting you.
'' When I answer, you press button ''A''.
Clear? - Yes, sir.
- Right.
Now, let's have a go, shall we? You be the operator, Wilson.
One! Pick up.
Two! (ALL) Ching-ching! Ching-ching! - Come on, Wilson.
- What? - ''Number, please.
'' - Number, please! (ALL) Walmington-on-Sea 333.
- Get on with it, Wilson! ''I'm connecting you!'' - I'm so sorry, yes.
I'm connecting you.
Permission to speak, sir! You can't put the tuppence in until the operator tells you to.
No, you put the pennies in first.
- (ALL ARGUE) - (MAINWARING) All right! Quiet! Only one way to settle it.
We must do this under combat conditions.
Now, we'll all assemble at the telephone box outside the gates of the reservoir there.
Right, fall the men in.
Fall out and get all your equipment! Quick as you can! It's grand to know the thumbs are up in England The sign that shows that everything's OK The boys have brought a word back home to England For over there they always used to say Platoon, halt! Sergeant Wilson, Corporal Jones, come with me at once! How dare you boys swim in this reservoir! We have to drink that water.
We've not been doing any harm.
We've had our costumes on, so why can't we swim in it? You've no right to do anything in it.
Clear off! We'd better do what the soldiers say.
Them's not soldiers, they're Home Guard.
Jones the butcher and old Frosty Face from the bank.
That'll do.
Now clear off! Platoon, forward! Take this boy's name, Sergeant.
You'll always wear a smile if you'll only say it's tickety-boo today Left, right, left.
Mark time in front.
Platoon, halt! Left turn! Now, we're going into the telephone box two at a time.
Er, Pike and Godfrey first.
Corporal! Form the rest of the men up in a queue, will you? - Right, sir.
- Outside.
Right, come along, Pike and Godfrey.
Form a queue outside.
Do what the officer says.
Come along, now! Right, you go in first, Pike.
Now Take the receiver in the left hand Pike, Pike! I can't talk to your back, boy.
Turn round! - Sorry, sir.
This is the way I got in.
- We'll have to go out and start again.
Right, Godfrey, you go first this time.
Right Now, take the receiver in the left hand and you Godfrey! Godfrey, will you take your arm from my throat? I'm sorry, sir.
I can't help it.
It's the way I came in.
Well, go out and come in again! Now You take the receiver in the left hand Look, it's no use! I shall have to take you one at a time.
Go out, Godfrey! Yes, sir.
Now then, Pike, where Pike! Right, now Take these two pennies, lift the receiver with your left hand.
Well, get it up to your ear, boy! It won't harm you.
And it Clear off! Now, I want you to make a telephone call to me at the church hall.
There'll be no answer because I'm not there.
So, you can press button ''B'' and get your money back.
You see? Right, now, are you ready? Just a minute, just a moment.
- Wilson, Wilson! - Yes, sir? Tell that boy to go away.
If you have to do that, would you do it somewhere else? Put the pennies in.
Oh, just like you said, sir! It went ''ching-ching, ching-ching''! - Right - Number, pleaseI Walmington-on-Sea I've forgotten the number! You stupid boy! It's Walmington-on-Sea Just a moment.
Wilson! Wilson! Just checking on the number - Oh, yes.
333, sir.
- Quite correct.
Walmington-on-Sea 333, please.
- I'm trying to connect you.
- Thank you.
Now just let it ring for a bit, then press button ''B''.
(COINS RATTLE) Why did you press button ''A''? - Somebody answered.
- What? - Hello, Mum! - Frank, where are you speaking from? - I'm in a phone box outside the waterworks.
- I told you never to use a public phone box! - It's not my fault.
Mr Mainwaring made me.
- I shall have a few words to say to him! - He's here now.
- You let me speak to him, then.
Mum wants to speak to you, Mr Mainwaring.
Really? Mrs Pike, why are you in my office? I brought Frank's clean scarf down for him to wear and I heard the telephone ring.
- Yes, but even so - Why did you let Frank use a telephone box? - He's never used one in his life before.
- Wilson! Wilson! Come and sort this out, will you? Mrs Pike on the telephone.
- Come on, boy.
Come out! - Come along, come along.
Right - Hello, Mavis.
- Oh, it's you, Arthur! You shouldn't have let Frank use a public telephone.
- It's not my fault.
- Of course it is! - You mollycoddle that boy far too much.
- Hear, hear.
Captain Mainwaring thinks so, too.
I think you're being rather silly.
I'm silly? You're silly if you think I'm only here to administer to all your comforts every evening! Mavis, please You think you can knock on my door and I'll come running! I've never asked you to run, Mavis! You've always taken me for granted, Arthur, and I'm not gonna stand for it any longer! Please, Mav Please! She's hung up, sir.
What am I gonna do now? I've got a platoon to run.
I can't sort your domestic squabbles out! Get the next man in! All right.
Would the next one kindly come this way, please? As quick as you can.
Of all the absurd ideas, showing us how to use a telephone box! It's a good job we didn't have any telephones in the Sudan, or them fuzzy-wuzzies would come with their big knives and cut it off before you could say Matagataba.
If it wisnae for that stupid boy Pike and that old fool Godfrey, we wouldn't all be stuck here wasting our time.
- What are you queueing up for? - We're waiting to make telephone calls.
- What did he say, Mrs Fox? - They're queueing up for telephone calls.
'Ere, what's at the top? What are they waiting for? - Phone calls.
- 'Ere, Taffy, you take my place.
I'm in no hurry.
Young man, why are you queueing up for telephone calls? - Haven't you heard? - No.
What? They're going on ration tomorrow.
Do you hear that? They're going to ration telephone calls.
They're going to ration phone calls.
- When? - Tomorrow.
Listen, make as many as you can now 'cause after today, you're only allowed one a month.
Oh, goodness me! We're only gonna be allowed one a month.
Good job we joined the queue.
I knew there was something going on! You're quite right.
When this lot have finished, I'll stand guard and you make as many as you like.
Tanner a time.
Oh, that's ever so kind of you.
I'll take the bookings now.
- Here you are.
Half a crown.
I'll have five.
- Five.
- I'll have ten.
- Ten, right.
- I'll have 20.
- Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Ta.
In that case, I'd better have some more.
- I'll have another three.
- All right, love.
The night we met there was magic abroad in the air (DISTANT AIRCRAFT ENGINES AND EXPLOSIONS) Oh! - What's the matter? - Your turn to keep watch.
It ain't half cold out here.
I think there's gonna be a heavy raid on London tonight.
Listen to all those planes going over.
Yeah, let's hope a few less of 'em come back.
- (ENGINE ROARS ABOVE) - What the hell's that? (LOUD SPLASH) Joe! Joe, look! Look, there's one come down in the reservoir! Remember what the Captain said.
One of us has to phone him.
The other one has to keep up a constant withering fire.
I tell you what.
You'd better have my five rounds.
Got tuppence for the phone? Never mind.
I'll reverse the charges.
Angels dining at the Ritz And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square - Sir.
- Well done, Frazer.
What's happened? Nothing, sir.
I've been observing the plane.
It's a Dornier.
- Sure? - You can tell by the outline.
That high wing and that bit that sticks out of the tail.
All right, Wilson, we all know you came top in aircraft recognition! No, I came top.
He came second.
Yes, all right, all right, all right.
Where's Walker? - He went to phone you.
- That was half an hour ago.
I expect he's run off.
I never did think he was any good.
That's cowardice in the face of the enemy.
Number one field punishment.
You have to tie him to the wheel of a gun carriage for that, sir.
We don't have a gun carriage, Mr Jones.
- Then we'll just have to improvise.
- Be quiet, be quiet! I can't understand why that plane hasn't sunk.
The reservoir's half empty.
The aircraft is sort of sitting at the bottom.
Normally, when the reservoir's full, it's 16 foot deep.
Wilson, I want to know how to tackle the plane.
I don't care about the details of the waterworks.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes? - Do you think I might? Waterworks? - Oh, yes, go on.
Hurry.
No sign of anybody in the plane.
Perhaps they've parachuted out.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes.
Why don't you call them to surrender in official tones? If they do not answer, you will be cognisant of the fact that they are not there and have sprung down previous.
- What's the German for ''surrender''? - I don't know, sir.
But if they want you to put your hands up, they shout, ''Handy hoc!'' Yes, you've told us that before, Jones.
It's worth a go, I suppose.
- Handy hoc! - (ECHO ) Handy hoc! - Handy hoc! - (ECHO ) Handy hoc! No, it's no use.
It's too dark.
They couldn't see us.
Anybody wearing a white shirt? - Pike.
- Pike, take that scarf off.
- I can't take this off.
I'll catch me death.
- Don't argue.
Take it off! Mum'll be furious! And she's not forgiven you for what you said on the phone.
- All right, Frank, not now! - I want you to wave this, Corporal.
- Right, sir.
- And I think we should all shout in unison.
- Right, come on.
- (ALL) Handy hoc! (GUNFIRE) Permission to speak, sir! - Yes.
- There IS someone on the plane.
- Let me have a pot at them.
Let me, sir.
- No, Corporal, no! They must be taken alive.
Bloody cheek! - I've never heard you swear before.
- I've never felt like this before.
Damn foreigners! Come over here and then have the cheek to fire at us! Anyway, it's time they were taught a lesson.
They're up against us this time.
- People with guts.
- Yes, sir.
Corporal Jones, go and phone GHQ for help at once.
- Right, sir.
- Wait a minute.
You don't know the number.
I do, sir.
It's Walmington-on-Sea 333.
Don't be silly.
That's the church hall.
There's nobody there.
We're all here.
- Here you are.
166.
- Right, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Now commit that number to memory and after you've used the phone, destroy it.
- Memorise and then destroy the phone.
- The paper, destroy the paper! - Now spread out, men.
- Right, sir.
Keep well down.
''Walmington-on-Sea 991.
'' - He was a Free French pilot? - That's right.
- What did you say? - Well, I told him straight.
I said, ''A Free French pilot you may be.
It's still gonna cost you 1s 9d to see the film.
'' Doreen, cash up now.
The main picture's just started.
Put down all the servicemen who got in half price.
Very well, Mr Cheesewright.
How many halves have we got tonight, Betty? Let's see.
Two sailors, 12 soldiers.
Oh, no, 13 counting that nice Major that comes every week.
- (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Oh, yes.
Major Brooks.
Major Brooks, Major Brooks, can you help me? Certainly, sir.
Tonight, ''One of our Aircraft is Missing''.
I thought it was one of theirs.
No, ''One of OUR Aircraft is Missing''.
Went up five minutes ago.
- Well, it's come down now.
- (LOUD SPLASH) No, it doesn't come down till 10:30.
If you hurry, you'll just be able to catch it.
- Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it.
- Are they? - Why are they shooting at us? - (GUNFIRE) They're not still shooting it.
It's finished.
- It isn't, you know.
Listen! - (GUNFIRE) - It's one of them! - How about that? You put that telephone down or I'll send a policeman round to that box! Honestly, some people! Hello? Major Brooks! Don't go.
Major? Oh, drat! I've run out of pennies! ''In case of emergency, lift receiver and press button.
'' (BUZZ) Emergency? What service would you like? Fire, police or ambulance? Hello, hello! There's an enemy plane gone down in the reservoir.
I want General HQ Headquarters.
I'm sorry.
I can only get you fire, police or ambulance.
- Er, is the plane on fire? - No, it's not on fire.
You won't want the fire service, then, will you? Just a minute.
What about an ambulance? Anybody hurt? - Nobody hurt, no.
- (GUNFIRE) Well, there might be now.
I don't think they'll send an ambulance on the off chance.
What about the police? - Is the plane causing obstruction? - Not truthfully, no, no.
- What's it doing, then? - It's shooting at us! Oh, I'm ever so sorry.
I wish I could help you, but I only deal with emergencies.
Ta-ta! Ta? No, no, come back.
- Come back, come back! - Oi, put that light out! - Who's that? - Oh, it's you! What are you doing, flashing your torch? There are enemy planes overhead! - There's an enemy plane down here, too! - What do you mean? - An enemy plane crashed in the reservoir.
- Why aren't you doing something about it? What are you doing hiding in this phone box? Hiding? I'm not hiding.
I'm trying to get General Headquarters Area Command.
- I've run out of pennies! - Shove over, I'll get it for you! - Have you got some pennies? - No, but I'll think of something.
- Taken them a long time to get here from GHQ.
- Must've got held up.
How do we make these Germans surrender? They could hold out for days.
I'm from GHQ.
Lieutenant Hope Bruce, Coldstream Guards.
Captain Mainwaring, Home Guard.
- Sergeant Wilson.
- How do you do? - Are they still shooting out there? - Yes.
They've been at it for the past hour.
- Are the men in position? - Yes, sir.
The reservoir is surrounded.
- Better get your men - (GUNFIRE) You'd better get your men out of the way, Mainwaring.
It's a job for the regular army.
- We've managed up till now.
- Managed what? They haven't surrendered yet! I can't understand why that damn plane hasn't sunk.
The reservoir's half empty.
The aircraft is just sort of sitting on the bottom.
Well, I can see that, Sergeant.
I'm not a complete fool, you know.
Sergeant Waller! We'll lob a few mortar bombs on to that plane.
That'll soon fetch 'em out.
- I'll get the men to stand by.
- You can't do that! - I beg your pardon? - That's the town's water supply.
When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it! Sergeant Waller! Cancel the order for those mortar bombs! - Hello, Taffy! - Joe! - Where have you been, Walker? - Talking to the bloke in charge of the reservoir.
- It cost me five bob, but he's done it.
- Done what? He's opened the sluices.
In two hours, that water will be right to the top.
They'll have to swim for it.
Unless they want to sit on the aerial! - Well done, Walker.
- I've decided what we'll do, Mainwaring.
We're going to sit here until we starve them out.
I hardly think that'll be necessary.
I expect them to surrender in two hours' time.
- Why? - The fact is, they do not like it up them.
They can't stand it, you see.
They really can't.
Well, I think we can safely leave the mopping up to the Coldstream Guards.