Dan Vs. (2010) s03e03 Episode Script
The Boss
We look like missionaries! Who dresses like this? People with jobs.
You are officially signed up with my temp company! Whee.
You're about to get evicted, Dan.
You need to make money somehow.
There has got to be a better way than working for it.
(phone rings) Hello? Thank you so much.
Great news! Elise is leaving you? The temp company found us jobs.
And the best part? We'll be working together! We can carpool! It's fun AND it's eco-friendly.
Sometimes you just make me sad.
See you bright and early! Get stuffed! Dan? (snoring) Time for work, buddy! Come on, wake up! This is why I budgeted extra time (dan snores) What--? Where am I? WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE TAKING ME!? I WILL NOT BE TRAPPED LIKE A RAT! Ah Dan, wake up! It's me, Chris.
We're going to work.
Oh.
Right.
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
I demand a raise.
Cute.
Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions.
You call them and tell them to pay up.
Think you monkeys can handle that? You bet! Who are you calling a monkey?! Stupid boss Call ME names? (happily humming) Chris, I'm leaving.
I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot.
BLEEP! Oh That's it.
Aw, office monkey look upset.
Office monkey want a banana? No, office monkey want-- Now Stop that! Just give me my eighteen dollars and I'll be on my way.
Eighteen dollars? You make nine dollars an hour, and you've been here for five minutes.
Pain and suffering.
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job.
Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
How did you know about-- Look, I am in the middle ofnothing, actually.
But that's still more interesting than talking to you.
Get out of my office.
BOSS!!! Dan? Calm down, Dan.
We just got here.
Whose side are you on? The corporate machine that crushes dreams beneath its iron bootheel, or the scrappy little guy? Which side signs the paychecks? Our boss is pure evil, no doubt sucking the life-essence from her office drones, causing our very souls to wither and die.
That's just temp work, Dan.
I feel that way every job I've ever had.
You get used to it.
You kindaKind of go numb Well not me, pal.
I have a plan that involves rigging the boss's chair to launch her out of her office window at a hundred miles an hour.
Where will you live when you can't pay rent? I Don't care.
Get to work.
Hello sir, were you aware that you haven't paid for your subscription to "Human Hunter" magazine? Oh, you were? BLEEP! Ah.
Well, I'm terribly sorry to disturb you during your nap.
I'll try back later.
(dan to himself) Always Mister Negative (boss o.
s.
) Besides, I'd just open my window and let the bugs out.
Oh uh This isn't about you.
I meant our other stupid boss.
If you can't use the computers responsibly, you can always do some filing.
A comes first, then B.
Yes, I'm aware that the CIA doesn't have jurisdiction to operate on domestic soil, but I still don't understand what that has to do with your magazine subscription payment--hello? Dan's log, hour three, minute twenty-seven of my imprisonment.
I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence.
(dan v.
o.
) First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion.
(dan v.
o.
) Though unfortunately there are limited time-killing activities to be had there.
(dan v.
o.
) Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return.
(dan v.
o.
) So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
That's what I like to see.
Work smarter, not harder.
(dan v.
o.
) Though it's very easy to lose consciousness.
(slamming sound) Aah! Ow! (dan v.
o.
) Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand (dan v.
o.
) and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice.
Hey.
THWAP! (office drone o.
s.
) Auughhh! However, those that share my dismal situation are not the enemy.
There is only one enemy, and she is-- Right behind you.
Whaa! Get back to your desk! I'm going over the wall.
Wha-what? What wall? Catch me! (crashing sound) Oof! Can't breathe I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! Ow, Hey! Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? Yes I can.
I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them.
Ow! Ow! I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
What kind of person looks through the trash to check up on me? She's completely paranoid.
Except that she actually found something.
By the way, you're welcome for lunch.
(dan yawning) I just don't understand why I'm so tired.
I've been extremely careful to do no actual work today.
It's been my experience that trying to look busy is more exhausting than actual work.
You might want to try doing your job.
And let our evil overlord win? Absolutely not.
There's my All-Star.
Do you need a refresher course in how to use a phone? Jerk You'd better start making some calls, Dan.
You heard her.
(dumb customer on phone) Hello.
Hello, sir.
You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
(dumb customer on phone) So what? I ain't payin'.
You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
(dumb customer on phone) Nuh-uh.
I said "CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION", you idiot! Subscription.
(dumb customer on phone) Don't you correctify me! (dumb customer on phone) Hello? Listen up, brain trust.
I have your address.
Do you understand what that means? I know where you live.
Where you sleep.
(completely losing it) AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER! AND WHEN I DO-- (dan o.
s.
) --I WILL RAM MY FIST DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID THROAT! Dan! I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES, RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! Uh, personal call.
May I see you in my office? I know where this is going.
Just fire me and be done with it.
I'm not firing you, Dan.
Public flogging? I'm promoting you.
I think you misspoke.
You were telling me I was fired? No, I said we're promoting you.
What are you stupid?! I knew from day one if I motivated you, you'd become our go to guy.
If you didn't go on some kind of workplace rampage and get hauled off to prison or shot by the police.
Risky little game you were playing there.
Dan, we need someone to get tough with our clients.
Someone to be "bad cop.
" I can teach you to direct your rage.
Harness it.
You'll make more money and have more fun.
Interested? I will rip off your head and I will - What was that? Stop crying, I can't understand you.
Okay.
Put your mommy on.
Hello? Yes we will accept a credit card.
Hold for our billing department.
That was great! You, my friend, have a bright future ahead of you.
I can't believe they gave you your own office on your first day.
Well, they can't have me shrieking into the phone in the main cubicle area, can they? Some of the things I say are disturbing, even to me.
Especially to me.
Hah! You have a mini-fridge! Ah You are living the dream.
All right, enough gawking.
I have a lot of work to do.
But I was just-- Back to the cubicle farm with the rest of the underclass, you prole! So pick you up same time tomorrow? You know, now that my status has been elevated, I probably shouldn't carpool with you anymore.
Don't want to look like I'm playing favorites, you know.
Are you serious? Yup.
But don't worry.
You can still drive me around on weekends.
Mr.
Mumbles! I have a surprise for you! You will notice that your new cat food is not the generic store brand.
And my sliced turkey-- --is within the expiration date.
Sure, it costs more, but we're moving up in the world.
Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous.
What do you want to do for dinner tonight? Ah, the eternal question.
I was thinking-- (dan o.
s.
) Ahem.
Oh, hi Dan.
It's Elise.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook.
You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
But-- If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle A comes first, then B.
Just like the song.
Think you can figure it out? Jerk.
(dan o.
s.
) I heard that! Good! Are you going to let one of your underlings talk to you like that? Uh No? Good.
Because it's a slippery slope.
Trust me, bring the hammer down before the other peons sense weakness.
You wanted to see me, Dan? We would like to discuss your attitude problem, Chris.
MY attitude problem? You've been-- First, you parked your car over the line in the garage today.
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me this morning? I'll go move it now.
Too late.
I already had you towed.
You WHAT?! And I know your office etiquette is sub-par, but calling your superior a "Jerk" is not acceptable.
Please treat me with the deference my status as "Temp of the Week" demands, and call me sir.
I have a couple of other ideas of what to call you.
You want to hear them?! (elise v.
o.
) Dan fired you? Ever since he got promoted, it's like he's a different person.
Well Ordinarily I'd say any change in Dan is a good thing He's like the boss's evil apprentice.
I'm sorry you got fired.
But, silver lining: with Dan working all the time, we can finally spend some time togetherinterruption free.
That does sound nice.
But he's been unbearable.
Today he even confiscated my -- Oh rats, my phone's still at work.
I'll just run back real quick.
Please tell me Dan didn't set anything on fire.
Aaahhh! Aaahhh! Chris, what are you doing here so late? Dan! Your boss she'sshe'sshe's Yes? She's a demon! An actual demon! Yeah, I know.
What do you mean you know!? Yeah, we had a great talk about it.
We have to destroy her! No way! She's a great boss.
Did you know she's grooming me for management? Demon management?! Let's just say I've finally found a career path that's right for me.
And it's all thanks to you, buddy.
Dan, you've done a lot of questionable things, but I never thought you were in the service of actual, ultimate evil.
I know! I've been playing in the minor leagues my whole life! But hey, I'll totally let you be my Admin Assistant when I get promoted to full demon-hood.
Aaaah! (boss o.
s.
) (slightly demonic) Dan? Chris, wait! Chris knows too much.
We have to destroy him.
I was afraid you were going to say that.
Bring him back here.
We'll do it together.
Team building exercise! Do we have to? I mean, I've known the guy for a really long time.
You can't just replace good friends.
How'd you like an expense account and a company car? Well, I better get after him.
Elise! You have to help me! My boss is a demon! That's surprising.
It gets worse! Dan has joined forces with her and wants to rise in the ranks of evil.
That I find considerably less surprising.
What do we do? I'm thinking we assemble a strike team.
We'll need a priest, a rabbi, and the Dalai Lama I'll be honest, Chris, demons are a little bit outside my area of expertise.
But I can make some calls in the morning, ask around In the morning?! What if they come after me? They saw you? Dan says once HE'S a demon, he'll make me his Admin Assistant.
Would you get benefits? Ah! I mean, that's terrible.
Exorcist, exorcist, exorcist Hello, you have reached Falvey's Fiend-B-Gone.
For English, Press 1 For Latin, Press 2 MMppphh! You just had to go back for your phone, didn't you? You don't have to do this, Dan! Free will! I know exactly what I have to do.
Would you quit struggling? You're only making this harder.
What'ja bring me? Ow! Ow! Ow! Hot! Hothothothothot That is awesome! Can you teach me to do that? In time.
You've done well, Dan.
You shall be rewarded.
So nice to be appreciated for once.
You were gone so long, I was wondering if you had second thoughts about sacrificing your best friend.
Of course not! I just had to stop and get you this.
Aw, a "World's Best Boss" mug! Yup.
Filled with holy water.
What?! (screaming) Ah! Ah! You okay, buddy? I thought you were going to let her kill me! How could you think that of me?! Well, you did kidnap me and bring me to your demon boss! It had to look like I was going along with it.
Convincing, wasn't I? (boss o.
s.
)(full-on demonvoice) I am very upset right now.
Ahh! Oh no.
Huh.
I thought for sure that would do it.
Guess I needed more holy water.
Please tell me you have a Plan B.
Uhrun? I had such high hopes for you, Dan.
Ahh! Do you have any more holy water? No! That was all I made.
Why didn't you-- wait, you made it? How? They have instructions online.
BOOM! Aah! So you could make more? Sure, if I had some water You know, it didn't even occur to me that you'd be stupid enough to hide in your own cubicle.
Aaaand I'm toast.
(dan o.
s.
) Sorry, boss (screams) We're going to have to let you go.
I'll be back, Dan! You haven't seen the last of me! And you can forget about using me as a reference! Quitting time.
On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy.
I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you.
It's the least I can do.
It really is.
You are officially signed up with my temp company! Whee.
You're about to get evicted, Dan.
You need to make money somehow.
There has got to be a better way than working for it.
(phone rings) Hello? Thank you so much.
Great news! Elise is leaving you? The temp company found us jobs.
And the best part? We'll be working together! We can carpool! It's fun AND it's eco-friendly.
Sometimes you just make me sad.
See you bright and early! Get stuffed! Dan? (snoring) Time for work, buddy! Come on, wake up! This is why I budgeted extra time (dan snores) What--? Where am I? WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE TAKING ME!? I WILL NOT BE TRAPPED LIKE A RAT! Ah Dan, wake up! It's me, Chris.
We're going to work.
Oh.
Right.
Chris and Dan, reporting for duty.
I demand a raise.
Cute.
Okay, here's the deal: People are past due on their magazine subscriptions.
You call them and tell them to pay up.
Think you monkeys can handle that? You bet! Who are you calling a monkey?! Stupid boss Call ME names? (happily humming) Chris, I'm leaving.
I can't work for someone who treats me like an idiot.
BLEEP! Oh That's it.
Aw, office monkey look upset.
Office monkey want a banana? No, office monkey want-- Now Stop that! Just give me my eighteen dollars and I'll be on my way.
Eighteen dollars? You make nine dollars an hour, and you've been here for five minutes.
Pain and suffering.
You leave now, I'll make sure you never get another temp job.
Which means you're getting evicted, Dan.
How did you know about-- Look, I am in the middle ofnothing, actually.
But that's still more interesting than talking to you.
Get out of my office.
BOSS!!! Dan? Calm down, Dan.
We just got here.
Whose side are you on? The corporate machine that crushes dreams beneath its iron bootheel, or the scrappy little guy? Which side signs the paychecks? Our boss is pure evil, no doubt sucking the life-essence from her office drones, causing our very souls to wither and die.
That's just temp work, Dan.
I feel that way every job I've ever had.
You get used to it.
You kindaKind of go numb Well not me, pal.
I have a plan that involves rigging the boss's chair to launch her out of her office window at a hundred miles an hour.
Where will you live when you can't pay rent? I Don't care.
Get to work.
Hello sir, were you aware that you haven't paid for your subscription to "Human Hunter" magazine? Oh, you were? BLEEP! Ah.
Well, I'm terribly sorry to disturb you during your nap.
I'll try back later.
(dan to himself) Always Mister Negative (boss o.
s.
) Besides, I'd just open my window and let the bugs out.
Oh uh This isn't about you.
I meant our other stupid boss.
If you can't use the computers responsibly, you can always do some filing.
A comes first, then B.
Yes, I'm aware that the CIA doesn't have jurisdiction to operate on domestic soil, but I still don't understand what that has to do with your magazine subscription payment--hello? Dan's log, hour three, minute twenty-seven of my imprisonment.
I have escaped my cell, and am now gathering intelligence.
(dan v.
o.
) First, I have discovered that one can spend great amounts of time in the restroom without arousing suspicion.
(dan v.
o.
) Though unfortunately there are limited time-killing activities to be had there.
(dan v.
o.
) Perhaps not surprisingly, the longer I stay in the bathroom, the less likely anyone is to ask "why" upon my return.
(dan v.
o.
) So far, my best camouflage has been simply sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen.
That's what I like to see.
Work smarter, not harder.
(dan v.
o.
) Though it's very easy to lose consciousness.
(slamming sound) Aah! Ow! (dan v.
o.
) Finally, crude weapons can be forged from the materials at hand (dan v.
o.
) and it does provide some passing amusement to use my fellow office drones for target practice.
Hey.
THWAP! (office drone o.
s.
) Auughhh! However, those that share my dismal situation are not the enemy.
There is only one enemy, and she is-- Right behind you.
Whaa! Get back to your desk! I'm going over the wall.
Wha-what? What wall? Catch me! (crashing sound) Oof! Can't breathe I'll send you a postcard from freedomville! Ow, Hey! Can you explain why I found these in the trash can? Yes I can.
I threw them away because I didn't feel like filing them.
Ow! Ow! I really should get rid of you, but some part of me enjoys watching you suffer here.
So I'm going to give you one more chance.
What kind of person looks through the trash to check up on me? She's completely paranoid.
Except that she actually found something.
By the way, you're welcome for lunch.
(dan yawning) I just don't understand why I'm so tired.
I've been extremely careful to do no actual work today.
It's been my experience that trying to look busy is more exhausting than actual work.
You might want to try doing your job.
And let our evil overlord win? Absolutely not.
There's my All-Star.
Do you need a refresher course in how to use a phone? Jerk You'd better start making some calls, Dan.
You heard her.
(dumb customer on phone) Hello.
Hello, sir.
You are past due on your payment for "Rat Fancy" magazine.
(dumb customer on phone) So what? I ain't payin'.
You go ahead and cancel my prescription.
Yes sir, but we still need to collect payment on the issues you've received.
(dumb customer on phone) Nuh-uh.
I said "CANCEL MY PRESCRIPTION", you idiot! Subscription.
(dumb customer on phone) Don't you correctify me! (dumb customer on phone) Hello? Listen up, brain trust.
I have your address.
Do you understand what that means? I know where you live.
Where you sleep.
(completely losing it) AND I WILL FIND YOU, YOU MOUTH BREATHER! AND WHEN I DO-- (dan o.
s.
) --I WILL RAM MY FIST DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID THROAT! Dan! I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES, RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY, AND I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! Uh, personal call.
May I see you in my office? I know where this is going.
Just fire me and be done with it.
I'm not firing you, Dan.
Public flogging? I'm promoting you.
I think you misspoke.
You were telling me I was fired? No, I said we're promoting you.
What are you stupid?! I knew from day one if I motivated you, you'd become our go to guy.
If you didn't go on some kind of workplace rampage and get hauled off to prison or shot by the police.
Risky little game you were playing there.
Dan, we need someone to get tough with our clients.
Someone to be "bad cop.
" I can teach you to direct your rage.
Harness it.
You'll make more money and have more fun.
Interested? I will rip off your head and I will - What was that? Stop crying, I can't understand you.
Okay.
Put your mommy on.
Hello? Yes we will accept a credit card.
Hold for our billing department.
That was great! You, my friend, have a bright future ahead of you.
I can't believe they gave you your own office on your first day.
Well, they can't have me shrieking into the phone in the main cubicle area, can they? Some of the things I say are disturbing, even to me.
Especially to me.
Hah! You have a mini-fridge! Ah You are living the dream.
All right, enough gawking.
I have a lot of work to do.
But I was just-- Back to the cubicle farm with the rest of the underclass, you prole! So pick you up same time tomorrow? You know, now that my status has been elevated, I probably shouldn't carpool with you anymore.
Don't want to look like I'm playing favorites, you know.
Are you serious? Yup.
But don't worry.
You can still drive me around on weekends.
Mr.
Mumbles! I have a surprise for you! You will notice that your new cat food is not the generic store brand.
And my sliced turkey-- --is within the expiration date.
Sure, it costs more, but we're moving up in the world.
Aw, nice.
Hi, gorgeous.
What do you want to do for dinner tonight? Ah, the eternal question.
I was thinking-- (dan o.
s.
) Ahem.
Oh, hi Dan.
It's Elise.
Hey! The rules about personal calls are clearly spelled out in the employee handbook.
You can have your phone back at the end of the day.
But-- If you can't be trusted to work in your cubicle A comes first, then B.
Just like the song.
Think you can figure it out? Jerk.
(dan o.
s.
) I heard that! Good! Are you going to let one of your underlings talk to you like that? Uh No? Good.
Because it's a slippery slope.
Trust me, bring the hammer down before the other peons sense weakness.
You wanted to see me, Dan? We would like to discuss your attitude problem, Chris.
MY attitude problem? You've been-- First, you parked your car over the line in the garage today.
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me this morning? I'll go move it now.
Too late.
I already had you towed.
You WHAT?! And I know your office etiquette is sub-par, but calling your superior a "Jerk" is not acceptable.
Please treat me with the deference my status as "Temp of the Week" demands, and call me sir.
I have a couple of other ideas of what to call you.
You want to hear them?! (elise v.
o.
) Dan fired you? Ever since he got promoted, it's like he's a different person.
Well Ordinarily I'd say any change in Dan is a good thing He's like the boss's evil apprentice.
I'm sorry you got fired.
But, silver lining: with Dan working all the time, we can finally spend some time togetherinterruption free.
That does sound nice.
But he's been unbearable.
Today he even confiscated my -- Oh rats, my phone's still at work.
I'll just run back real quick.
Please tell me Dan didn't set anything on fire.
Aaahhh! Aaahhh! Chris, what are you doing here so late? Dan! Your boss she'sshe'sshe's Yes? She's a demon! An actual demon! Yeah, I know.
What do you mean you know!? Yeah, we had a great talk about it.
We have to destroy her! No way! She's a great boss.
Did you know she's grooming me for management? Demon management?! Let's just say I've finally found a career path that's right for me.
And it's all thanks to you, buddy.
Dan, you've done a lot of questionable things, but I never thought you were in the service of actual, ultimate evil.
I know! I've been playing in the minor leagues my whole life! But hey, I'll totally let you be my Admin Assistant when I get promoted to full demon-hood.
Aaaah! (boss o.
s.
) (slightly demonic) Dan? Chris, wait! Chris knows too much.
We have to destroy him.
I was afraid you were going to say that.
Bring him back here.
We'll do it together.
Team building exercise! Do we have to? I mean, I've known the guy for a really long time.
You can't just replace good friends.
How'd you like an expense account and a company car? Well, I better get after him.
Elise! You have to help me! My boss is a demon! That's surprising.
It gets worse! Dan has joined forces with her and wants to rise in the ranks of evil.
That I find considerably less surprising.
What do we do? I'm thinking we assemble a strike team.
We'll need a priest, a rabbi, and the Dalai Lama I'll be honest, Chris, demons are a little bit outside my area of expertise.
But I can make some calls in the morning, ask around In the morning?! What if they come after me? They saw you? Dan says once HE'S a demon, he'll make me his Admin Assistant.
Would you get benefits? Ah! I mean, that's terrible.
Exorcist, exorcist, exorcist Hello, you have reached Falvey's Fiend-B-Gone.
For English, Press 1 For Latin, Press 2 MMppphh! You just had to go back for your phone, didn't you? You don't have to do this, Dan! Free will! I know exactly what I have to do.
Would you quit struggling? You're only making this harder.
What'ja bring me? Ow! Ow! Ow! Hot! Hothothothothot That is awesome! Can you teach me to do that? In time.
You've done well, Dan.
You shall be rewarded.
So nice to be appreciated for once.
You were gone so long, I was wondering if you had second thoughts about sacrificing your best friend.
Of course not! I just had to stop and get you this.
Aw, a "World's Best Boss" mug! Yup.
Filled with holy water.
What?! (screaming) Ah! Ah! You okay, buddy? I thought you were going to let her kill me! How could you think that of me?! Well, you did kidnap me and bring me to your demon boss! It had to look like I was going along with it.
Convincing, wasn't I? (boss o.
s.
)(full-on demonvoice) I am very upset right now.
Ahh! Oh no.
Huh.
I thought for sure that would do it.
Guess I needed more holy water.
Please tell me you have a Plan B.
Uhrun? I had such high hopes for you, Dan.
Ahh! Do you have any more holy water? No! That was all I made.
Why didn't you-- wait, you made it? How? They have instructions online.
BOOM! Aah! So you could make more? Sure, if I had some water You know, it didn't even occur to me that you'd be stupid enough to hide in your own cubicle.
Aaaand I'm toast.
(dan o.
s.
) Sorry, boss (screams) We're going to have to let you go.
I'll be back, Dan! You haven't seen the last of me! And you can forget about using me as a reference! Quitting time.
On the bright side, looks like we can sleep in tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for not sacrificing me to your demon overlord.
No problem, buddy.
I just wonder how I'm going to make rent this month.
You know, Dan, I think I can spot you.
It's the least I can do.
It really is.