Dawson's Creek s03e03 Episode Script

Hey.
This isn't working out exactly the way I planned.
The point of us spending time together was to talk and get to know each other.
And then can we have sex? I'm not ruling that out.
I'm just- You know, first things first.
- Movie night, we watch movies.
- I prefer TV.
- You've got to be kidding.
- Actually, no.
Movies are an art form.
This is just the pabulum between beer commercials.
Don't be such a snob, Dawson.
I mean, a TV show is just like a movie.
Except shorter, with built-in bathroom breaks.
- And you get a new sequel every week.
- Sequels I hate on principle.
Suit yourself.
I'm hooked.
- You read my paper.
How bad was it? - It wasn't bad.
All right, you know what? Take Felicity, for example.
Come on, you've seen one hour of whiny teen angst, you've seen them all.
She's pretty, but what kind of a heroine is she? Well, she's indecisive.
She's basically paralysed by some romantic notion of the way things are supposed to be.
- If you ask me, she's kind of chatty.
- She's you.
- Excuse me? - She's you, Dawson.
Except she's in college and a girl, and- A fictional character on a television show.
Exactly.
Think about it.
You're straight out of central casting.
Perfect hair, perfect skin.
- Our hero.
- Well obviously you weren't watching last season.
It was far from perfect.
You know, which is, in general, my complaint about television.
It's not reality.
It's perfection.
I mean, nobody ever blows it or gets tested in any real way or ever makes the wrong choice or a bad choice or Don't you know that's where I come in? You know, second season.
Shake things up.
Screw the status quo.
A temptress, who will test our hero's very moral fibre.
Will he survive unscathed? Stay tuned.
You know what else I hate about television? They always cut to commercial at the best part.
PSAT IN PROGRESS: QUIET! Dawson.
Dawson.
Dawson.
Dawson! Dawson! Good morning.
It's 6.
.
45, and it's 65 degrees and sunny- Another glorious day on the cape.
As millions of teens around the country cram for this week end's exam we'll talk with John Katzman, author of the best-selling Cracking the PSAT.
One step ahead of you, baby.
- in this, the most competitive year ever.
Competitive? Try this on for size.
Dogmatic.
Synonyms: single-minded, stubborn, obdurate, adamant.
Antonyms would be- wishy-washy, ambivalent equivocal.
You thought Dawson was the only one with a prolific vocabulary? No, I just didn't think we really had to study with our newfound activities.
Easy, tiger.
You haven't won that football scholarship yet.
Okay.
Your turn.
Pick a card, any card.
Nonchalant.
Okay.
The synonyms would be carefree, languid, oblivious.
NONCHALANT Okay, good.
Now, antonyms.
Mr.
Leery.
Alert, attentive, concerned.
Provided you believe the PSAT is a measure of intelligence and not a culturally biased weapon against the poor.
That's a good point, Dawson.
Standardized testing isn't perfect.
In fact, some might say it's designed to trip you up, mess with your mind convince you you're not as smart as you think you are.
But if you want to go to college, it's the only game in town.
All right, hang on.
Now, look, don't forget.
Tomorrow: sample math section.
I need you to bring a number two pencil and your brains both of them sharpened.
Thank you.
Joey, would you hang on for a moment, please? Belligerent God is not this humourless.
God.
Don't worry, Pacey.
This isn't gonna be one of those horribly awkward hope-boy-didn't-mean-what-he-said- during-breakup moments.
Good, because I sure don't want to play the guy-feels-guilty-even-though girl-had-affair-with-mental-patient scene.
Fair enough.
Not that it's my business, but have you ever heard of over-preparing for a test? - As opposed to not preparing at all? - As opposed to going crazy over something with the word " practice" in front of it.
If you want to throw away everything we've- I mean, you've worked for, that's fine by me.
- Here.
- Me, on the other hand I am not gonna let our little bump in the road throw me off course.
See you around.
You keep your wits about you, Joey and you got a legitimate shot at a National Merit Scholarship.
Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me, and telling me, and telling me.
Too much pressure on you, huh? I couldn't sleep again last night.
Trust me, I know.
I've been there.
I keep thinking that if I don't ace this exam I'm gonna end up making beds and cleaning toilets at the Dead End Motel.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to take the night off just to relax.
I don't know.
Hang out with a friend.
Rent a movie.
You're going to do just fine.
You're going to do better than fine.
And the faculty and I have all the confidence in the world in you.
Okay? - Dawson.
- Hi.
Since we agreed to peace with honour, is it against the rules to ask for help? - Of course not.
- Good.
Because I could use some.
- What do you need? - I don't know.
A night of mindless entertainment.
Jurassic Park or maybe one of those meteorite-asteroid-atomic-bomb movies where Willis or Clooney or someone manages to save the entire planet without breaking a sweat.
I just need something to take my mind off the test.
Yeah, you've got a lot riding on it, I know.
Just my entire future.
- You tell me when and where.
- How about tonight? - Tonight? - Hey, sports fans.
How's 9:00? Actually, tonight, she and I were thinking that Hey, why don't you come with us? Yeah.
I might, on another planet, in a different universe.
No offence.
What was that about? I'd appreciate some contact, people! Come off the ground hard and pop, pop! Put some hurt on! Execute! You're up, McPhee.
Jack, you can do this.
Just remember, when you're hit button up, become foetal.
Hug that ball.
Hug that ball.
Hug that ball.
Hug that ball.
Take it to him.
How to hit, baby! How to hit! Get up, McPhee.
You're defacing the landscape, again.
You see what's going on? They're singling me out.
- Yeah, but not for the reasons you think.
- It's obvious.
Gay or straight, you're the new kid on the block and you're not protecting the football the way you should.
Now, do it again.
McPhee! Three-point stance! Can you hear me, Jack? Jack, you know where you are? How many fingers? I think I'm gonna hurl.
This guy's not exactly what you'd call a ladies' man.
But I tell him, it is easy.
There's only one rule, plain and simple: Give the ladies what they want.
- How about giving me what I want? - I thought you'd never ask.
Friday night off, so I can study for the PSATs.
They're Saturday.
Yeah, sure.
Why not? No sweat.
I remember what it was like.
Of course, I didn't take the PSATs.
- What, Daddy built the university? - No, no.
Just endowed it.
Actually, I hired a ringer.
Seriously.
Paid some brainiac a couple thousand dollars to take it for me.
Won me a scholarship too.
Well, since I don't have that kind of cash, thank you.
I owe you one.
Well, here's a thought: You let me take you out for a post-PSAT celebration.
Saturday night.
You and me.
Thanks, but husband doesn't really like me seeing other people.
Sure.
Thought you were gonna say you had to wash your hair.
No, that's Wednesdays.
Actually, Rob, the truth is I'm a lesbian.
Anyone I know? So is it a date? Saturday night.
What do you say? Look, would it be all right if I just said no? Yeah.
Sure thing, Potter.
No problem.
I was starting to worry about you.
I was searching for the perfect apple.
Go ahead.
Take a bite.
See if it tastes as good as it looks.
- And if I do? - You will know the difference between good and evil.
Get out here, Dawson.
It's a beautiful night.
I haven't been out here since- - Since Joey and I were still- - Joey? You mean the ubiquitous brunette? The one who hasn't learned the power she holds over the hearts of men? She lives down the creek.
She used to sleep over, before we developed secondary sexual characteristics.
- I had a boy-next-door.
- You did? - Doesn't everybody? - What was his name? Monroe.
We literally lived in adjoining houses on the base.
- You were a military brat? - U.
S.
Army, born and bred.
In fact, we could see into each other's bedrooms.
Really? That must have been convenient.
No kidding.
Only problem is he was my dad's commanding officer.
- I brought you something else.
- What is this? Call it a study aid.
- That is not- - Oh, it is.
An advance copy of Saturday's PSAT.
- Why are you showing this to me? - Well I was planning on giving it to you.
There's no way I could do that.
Don't be so selfish, Dawson.
I mean, if it goes against your moral code, fine, but surely there must be somebody you know who could use it.
The apple was a metaphor.
This is the real thing.
An envelope? This is why you covertly hushed us into a corner? Read the fine print.
It says ETS, as in Educational Testing Service.
- Dawson, this is not what I think it is.
- Think again.
- Oh, God.
- How'd you get this? - Does it matter? - Of course it matters.
When we're all sent to prison, I'd like to know who I'm taking the rap for.
- Someone.
- A certain someone with blond locks and a name that rhymes with "Steve"? Oh, she's good.
I like that girl.
She's good.
Once again, Dawson proves the groin is mightier than the brain.
Well, I mean, have you looked inside? It could be a joke.
- There's one way to find out.
- Way to complete your return to the halls of loserdom.
Maybe you'd like to open it up.
Cheating seems to be an activity - you're real comfortable with.
- Nobody's opening anything.
Dawson, just take it back, and none of us ever saw it.
Not to sound like the only typical high-school student here, but as the only typical student, what's the harm in peeking? Peeking? I can have us a detailed crib sheet in half an hour.
Guys, look, my first reaction was to dump it but you heard Principal Green.
I mean, these things are a game and as wrong as cheating sounds, I thought I'd bring it up for discussion.
Okay, morals to Dawson.
Come in, Dawson.
This is wrong.
Besides, it's the PSAT.
No one's even required to take it, let alone do well.
Unless you want to qualify for a National Merit Scholarship.
Or if you've been too busy getting the crap beaten out of you to study.
Or if you really want to go to Harvard.
Or if a failed relationship has put you through the emotional wringer and you just don't care these days.
Or if you've just been too darn busy getting busy.
The point is, we could all use it for something.
All right, people, let's take our seats.
One sample math section coming your way.
On second thought- All right, you all know the drill.
Leave everything exactly where it is and file out in an orderly fashion.
- Mr.
Leery, now, please.
- Okay.
- Dawson.
- It's gone.
- What's gone? - It.
- Very funny.
- I already checked.
- You just left it here? - Green was hovering.
Okay, I took it.
Joking.
Good God.
That's not funny.
Pacey, please tell me you saved all our lives.
- Excuse me? - It's missing.
- What? - It.
It isn't missing, or you don't have it? Both or neither.
I don't even know what you guys are talking about.
- Pacey, will you quit screwing around? - Oh, I'm not screwing around, Andie.
I'm just as upset as you are.
Dismayed, even broken-hearted.
The McLaughlin Group, right here at Capeside.
Oh, I love the early morning debate.
What's today's topic? Hey, wait a minute.
Don't tell me.
Why is the PSAT not an oral exam? Unfortunately, you're on your own on this one.
So let's do me a favour and get back to it independently, okay? Let's go.
Come on.
Joey, what the hell? What do you think you're doing? It was a mistake.
Calm down.
Look, I'm sorry about that.
She's new here.
Your gas is on the house.
You didn't have to do that.
So I spilled a little.
It's not exactly the Exxon Valdez.
That $38 is coming out of your paycheck, Potter.
And consider your precious night off cancelled.
- What? - You're working tomorrow night.
- So that's how it's going to be? - That's how what's gonna be? This is not about me messing up on the job.
This is about your bruised ego.
Not used to female rejection, are you, Rob? I have no idea what you're talking about, Potter.
- Damn, Jen.
- Try not to make any sharp movements.
Tends to happen when a surging pain strikes my chest cavity.
- I thought that you wore pads out there.
- I must be wearing the placebo pads.
At least you can maintain your sense of humour through this.
- Till it gets beaten out of me too.
- Here.
Sorry.
Tomorrow, I'm turning in my helmet.
- Jack, you can't.
- Yeah? Watch me.
All right, you want to be a quitter? Go right ahead.
Be a quitter.
Okay, Ward.
I'm not Beaver Cleaver, and we're not in black and white here.
And no half-ass layman's use of reverse psychology is gonna stop me from preventing my corpse from being carried off.
Mock the sentiment, but you can't deny the truth.
When you quit, you tell yourself you're not good enough.
So, what you're saying is that what I learn out there about sacrifice and pain will be of infinite value later in life? And if I quit now, I'll most surely quit in the more important contests of the future? - Exactly.
- Yeah, well, I'm quitting.
Okay, smart-ass, how about this for a reason? You caught the ball.
Call me corny, call me superstitious, but fate tossed you that ball, Jack.
Who knows why, but it did.
Maybe you're meant to be a gay athlete who inspires others to come to terms with who they are.
Maybe you're meant to help this school win a few games and develop a sense of morale.
Or maybe this is the first step towards meeting someone else in a similar situation.
You don't know the reason, but until you do, hang on to that ball.
That was cheesier than your first response.
Come on.
Never talk back to someone who could cut off your air supply.
- You're wasting your time, Dawson.
- It's got to be here somewhere.
- How do you figure? - Eve could you at least pretend to help me save my ass? - Well, it is a cute ass, but - But what? We don't have a chance of finding what you're looking for.
The test was on this table.
- The next minute, it's gone.
It has- - Quick, Dawson, someone's coming.
Kill the light.
Question: What would look better on my high-school transcripts? A, cheating, B, possession of stolen materials C, breaking and entering, or D, all of the above? You're right, Dawson.
- About what? - Let's get out of here.
Besides, if you really want that exam back, it shouldn't be too difficult.
What do you mean? It didn't disappear, Dawson.
Somebody took it.
- How do you know that? - Call it female intuition.
If you're right, it could be anybody.
There were dozens of kids in that room when the alarm went off.
Process of elimination: Of those kids how many knew what was in the envelope? Five.
Six, including me.
Who would steal something they didn't know the value of? See my point? Face it, Dawson.
In the privacy of their own room one of your friends is right now slipping a finger between the pages and breaking the seal.
One month into my tenure here as principal at Capeside High and I got a national cheating scandal on my hands! Look it makes no difference whether one of you takes the fall or you all go down together in some sort of grand gesture of teenage loyalty.
But somebody better fess up, and better fess up soon.
Otherwise, you are all expelled.
Joey? CAPESIDE HIGH SCHOOL So, what kind of black-market booty do you have for us today? Find out what Microsoft will be trading at tomorrow? I called you here because I wanted to give you all, to give us all - a chance to rectify this situation.
- How? Whoever stole the test needs to give it back.
Well, wasn't it already stolen, Dawson? I love the way that this girl thinks.
Look, the point is, it's missing.
Yesterday it wasn't.
So, what's the harm in just letting it be lost? Whoever got it was no more desperate than the rest of us, only quicker.
Doesn't it bother anyone what this says about our group's level of integrity? Well, I think I speak for our group when I respond with a hearty " no.
" I'm starting to feel like some sort of psychologically abused lab rat.
- You're not the lab rat, Jen.
Dawson is.
- Watch it, Joey.
Throwing parties, crashing boats, upstaging marching bands? If your rope was any more yanked, you'd be a bell.
- Eve has nothing to do with this.
- It's typical Dawson Leery behaviour to offer your friends contraband.
She didn't tell me to do anything with that test.
You are so blinded by her cover-girl looks, you wouldn't notice if she did.
When offered that test, you didn't fire one ethical comment her way, did you? It's your friends who have to sit here and suffer through your morality play.
Bleached-blond ho-bags willing to put out need not audition.
- Are you finished? - I could go on.
I'm sorry I started this, but one of us took this charade to another level.
Here's the deal.
I'm gonna leave my locker unlocked.
Whoever has the test will put it inside by 5:30 today.
Oh, come on, Dawson.
The petty thief among us already left the crime scene.
They're not gonna return it now.
What's the incentive? To do the right thing.
You got a second? It's important, Pacey.
Sure.
I'm really not in the mood for some sordid heart-to-heart so if we can just cut this thing short.
Okay.
Consider this final negotiations.
- What's this? - Look for yourself.
Well, it's some T-shirts, my Panthers cap and Dumbo which is the first thing I gave you.
Everything you gave me is in this box.
All pictures, CDs, jewellery, it's all there.
Isn't this a little harsh? Pacey, this isn't gonna be one of those long, drawn-out breakups.
You're not dealing with last year's basket case.
My life is in order.
And I'll do everything I can to keep it that way.
I have a plan.
Right.
Harvard, Harvard uber alles.
I wanted you to be a part of it, and if you can't, you get nothing.
- Not even memories? - Especially not those.
Fine.
Look, if those are the terms, where do I sign? You just did.
All right, Jacky boy! Move them out! We hit! We hit! Jacky boy! Work! Work! Work! - You know what you need? - What? A mantra.
A private word or sound.
Everyone's got one.
Really? What for? Something to take your mind off the fact that you're gonna be annihilated by a 250-pound lineman snorting fire at you from the other side of the ball.
- Oh, that's great.
- Seriously, Jack.
Anything to stop from thinking.
In this sport, thought equals death.
Let me ask you something: Why are you doing this? - What do you mean? - Helping me.
I don't That's easy.
Two reasons.
First, I want to win football games and without your magic hands, we don't stand a chance.
And two is Well, you're gay, right? I mean, it's not supposed to be a secret or anything? No.
Why the interest in my sexual orientation? Well, there's this girl that you know.
- More like an angel, really, a goddess.
- Who? I dream about her, Jack, every night, heavy dreams about her lips, her breasts, her legs.
If she would just allow me near her to smell her sweet smell, maybe even kiss me or take me in her arms deliver me from suffering falsehood, it'd prove there wasn't anything bad or empty-hearted in this world that couldn't be corrected.
- Slow down.
Get a grip on yourself.
- See how I am? You gotta help me.
I'm begging you.
You're not talking about who I think you're? - A certain head cheerleader.
- Jen Lindley? - What? - Word to the wise: This is no reflection on you, Henry, at all, but you're a freshman.
Okay? You have about as much chance with Jen Lindley as I have in making it through that chute tomorrow.
I'll be there in a minute.
No loitering, Pacey.
Listen.
I am a legitimate customer and I demand some service, missy.
- Have you been drinking? - Only liquor, I promise.
- What's wrong? - It's nothing a little bonfire won't fix.
You see, our friend Andie decided that she needed to cleanse me from her life to maintain her sanity.
The casualties were the contents of this box.
Behold- - Oh, hello, Mr.
Dock.
- Pacey - Hey, Jo.
- Yeah? Do me a favour.
I probably shouldn't go home like this.
Think you could call my dad and tell him I'm here? Yeah.
That's my girl.
You're like a Saint Bernard, Dawson.
Loyal and faithful to the last.
In 30 seconds, I'm gonna open that locker and prove you wrong.
How can you be so certain? Because I believe in happy endings, Eve.
- I always have.
- Happy endings.
There's a contradiction in terms if I ever heard one.
- You're enjoying this.
- Not really.
It's just that my taste in fairy tales runs more towards the Brothers Grimm.
How can you be so relentlessly cynical? How can you be so profoundly naive? All is not lost, my sweet prince.
You know what, Eve, just - Leave me the hell alone, okay? - Are you sure? Bet I can help you get the test back.
How? By telling you who took it.
I'm listening.
Tell me who you think it is.
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
Whoever you were just thinking of, that's the thief.
- It's that simple? - It is.
Simple and obvious.
If there's one thing I've learned from those PSAT prep books it's that the most obvious choice is usually the wrong one.
We're not talking about standardized tests here, Dawson.
Take a look at your yearbook.
It's a crystal ball.
The ones most likely to succeed usually succeed.
And the one most likely to wind up in a chain gang usually has some rock-breaking in his future.
Welcome to the real world, Dawson where the first person to stab you in the back is your best friend.
Well, if it isn't Inspector Get-a-Clouseau.
What brings you to these parts at this late hour? - You're drunk.
- You're quick.
It's the night before the PSAT.
Why are you drinking? I don't need to study.
I mean, I got the test, right? - If you have it, give it back.
- Oh, I wish I did, hombre.
I mean, I really wish I did.
But I don't.
I don't.
It's not here.
It's not at home under my bed with my Playboys.
It is nowhere to be found.
Pacey, we've been friends for 16 years, and I'm not stupid.
Friends, huh? Friends.
You know, that word "friends.
" It's an interesting word.
It implies that you would actually believe your friend when he tells you something.
- When you tell me the truth.
- When he's tell- You want to know what I find so very amusing about this situation? I mean, what I think is so really, really rich about all this is that you yourself were capable of stealing this test.
You didn't throw that test away.
You didn't give it back to Eve.
You brought it to us! I wanted to consult the people I trusted to determine what the best thing was to do.
I never thought anyone would be so weak or so self-motivated to swipe it.
Weak and self-motivated, huh? Now, which one of those two colourful adjectives would I be? You are who you are, Pacey.
Yes, I am, Dawson.
And so are you.
You, Dawson Leery, are a self-righteous son of a bitch who cares more about his defunct 1950s belief system than the people who fail to live up to it.
Interesting, coming from a smug, cold-hearted son of a bitch who just dumped his girlfriend after she begged for sympathy.
At least I didn't send her father to prison.
No.
You just made her go crazy.
- Dawson, what are you doing? - It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
Dawson, this has got to stop.
Are you okay? Hey, I brought you a Pepsi.
- No, thanks.
I'm not thirsty.
- It's for your lip, moron, in lieu of ice.
- I can't believe he thought I took it.
- So what, Pacey? I thought if I'd earned anyone's respect, it was Dawson's.
If the guy who knows you best thinks you're a loser, then maybe- Then maybe you are one? Come on.
I've thought you were a loser for years, but you've never believed me.
It's just When does a person start believing the general consensus about themselves? When it's right.
Do me a favour.
Would you tell your friend Dawson that I'm innocent? - I mean, he'll believe you.
- Oh, my friend? Look, he's your friend too, and you know as well as I do that he's somewhere sulking over the gravity of his wrongful accusation.
Oh, well, good.
Let him stew in his own pride for a while.
- We're all guilty of that.
- I'd never accuse him of cheating.
Well, I'm sure he'd never take the first swing at you.
- He started that whole thing.
- I'm not getting into this.
- Okay, so tell me.
- What? What do you think happened to that test? I don't know.
And to be honest, I don't want to know.
There are certain things in life you just- You're better off not knowing.
Certain things that you wish you never knew, never asked, and never saw.
Okay, so tell me honestly.
Does it look that bad? On your face, any reconstructive surgery is a definite improvement.
Did you get it back? - Not exactly.
- What happened? That's what I've been sitting here trying to figure out.
And? The only thing I can come up with is you, Eve.
You happened to me.
You and that stupid test.
Which one of us gave you the black eye? I accept my blame in this, but don't tell me that you didn't know what giving me that test would do.
If crafting me as the villain in your mystery is what it takes for you to sleep at night go right ahead.
The fact is, we're all criminals, Dawson, in one way or another.
It's just the stupid ones who get caught.
Nice knowing you, Eve.
Is that how it works? Someone offers you a view of human nature that's even remotely truthful and you just walk away from them? It terrifies you, doesn't it? That wholesome Dawson Leery could be so overwhelmingly attracted to someone so flawed so real.
The purpose of our spending time together was to get to know each other.
And you know what? Now that I know you I don't really like you.
Parker, come on.
Remove your tongue from the turf.
- I need some words of encouragement.
- Well, sure thing.
How's your ribs? Well, I can still breathe, but then again, practice isn't over yet.
All right, people.
Put your helmets on.
- McPhee, you're first in the chute.
- You got your mantra? - What is it? - Fug.
- Fug? - F-U-G.
It's the only word I got in my head right now.
Fug.
Fug.
Fug! - Then go with it.
- All right.
Fug.
Fug.
Oh, fug.
Fug! - What do you know? - Way to go! Way to go! Good job, baby.
Way to go! Unreal.
Fug.
Fug.
Fug! Fug! - What the? - Fug! What the hell was that? Today's PSAT test will be two and a half hours long.
As you know, there are five sections: Two verbal, two mathematics, and one writing.
There will be one 15-minute break.
Are there any questions? All right.
You people have 30 minutes to complete sections- Can I help you, Mr.
Leery? What are you doing? It's a long story.
Okay.
If there's no one else I left the oven on.
- What took you so long? - It's those analogies.
They're killer.
Remind me why we just did that again.
If we're gonna beat the crap out of each other it should at least be over a chick.
You may begin.