Derry Girls (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Will this be enough? I thought you weren't going to bother making lunch, we were going to get something there.
We are.
This is for the journey.
It's an hour on the train, love.
Aye, better do a few more rounds.
No more rounds.
For the love of God, put the knife down, woman.
Why have you got a surfboard, Joe? Jim across the road gave me the lend.
I'll start again.
What are you planning to do with the surfboard, Joe? Surf.
Something I always fancied doing, ever since I saw that film, the one where the lads try to catch thon big fish.
What film is that? You know, the big fish, the musical fish.
The musical fish? He hums a tune before he attacks people.
They try to catch him but their boat's too wee.
Are you talking about Jaws? That's the one.
Jaws made you want to take up surfing? Aye.
Grand so.
Christ, is that the time? I've that much to do I'm passing myself here, and now my right ear has closed over.
What? I've been trying to put my earring in for 45 minutes, but no joy.
Give us over an ice cube, will you, Mary? I'm going to freeze the lobe and ram a needle through it.
Please don't.
Take them off, Orla, they're mental.
They're cracking.
Are they really suitable, love? They won't let you on the disco swing if you don't meet the height restrictions, Aunt Mary.
I simply will not risk it.
Ian Paisley and the DUP say they will not enter any kind of talks with Sinn Fein unless the IRA decommission all arms.
I'm convinced they don't know where they are.
What's that? The IRA.
Well, after the ceasefire they've all this stuff just lying about, you know, their guns, their Semtex, their other bits and bobs, and there's nothing worse than clutter.
Exactly like Mammy's Toby jug collection.
I was just thinking that, Mary.
I bagsed them all up, stored them somewhere safe, thought no more about them.
Six months later Daddy wants to plant some seeds in John Wayne.
Can I remember where I put them? Are you saying you think the IRA won't decommission because they've misplaced their balaclavas? I mean, they'll turn up, I'm sure.
The balaclavas? The Toby jugs.
It's a serious stumbling block in an already precarious peace process.
I just can't believe this.
Yeah.
Let's hope they can work it out.
I've frozen the wrong lobe.
I see.
Portrush, with a Protestant, Unionist majority, yet many Catholics from Derry risk travelling there every summer.
Why? Well, because it's got a cracking big dipper.
Get that thing out of my face, James, I haven't even got my eyes on yet.
Why'd you bring it, son? You're not going to be able to take it on any of the rides.
What are you laughing at? Is it because Uncle Gerry said "rides"? Speaking of rides.
Seriously.
Don't be asking to go on that ghost train? Do you hear me? You'll be all Billy big balls at the time, but I'll have to deal with the fallout at three in the morning when you wake up screaming and crying about some fella with no head.
Oh, I love the fella with no head.
The fella with no head is the best bit.
I just wasn't expecting the fella with no head.
Now that I'm prepared for the fella with no head.
I don't want to hear about it, Erin.
I just want to get on that train, sit down, have a cup of tea and relax.
The 9:15 service from Londonderry to Portrush will now be arriving at platform two calling at Castlerock, Coleraine and Portstewart.
Welcome aboard the 9:15 service from Londonderry to Portrush, calling at Castlerock, Coleraine and Portstewart.
Thought I was going to drop dead there at one point.
If only.
Christ but I'm sweating like a hooker in mass.
Let's grab these.
We're going to sit in a different carriage, Mammy.
I don't know about that.
Come on, Mammy, we just want our own space.
We're not weans.
We don't need to be constantly supervised.
Where's Clare? Shit.
The golden sands of Benone, the crashing of the Atlantic, the wildlife, the mountains, the birdsong.
Well, what's any of this without Clare? She hasn't snuffed it, Erin.
Yeah, I'm sure she'll get the next train.
And make the journey all alone because we abandoned her, because we left her behind, and I for one will never forgive myself for that.
Here comes the snack trolley.
Oh, happy days.
Any drinks or snacks? I'll have a Coke and a KitKat and I'll have a KitKat as well.
Yeah, me too.
No KitKats, I'm afraid.
I can see the KitKats.
They're display KitKats.
- Display KitKats? - They're display only.
I don't have any in the drawers.
Well, can we buy the display KitKats? No.
Why the fuck not? Because if I don't have them on display, how will people know they're available? They're not available.
This is what I'm saying.
I'm really fucking confused, lads.
OK, Fra, is it? This is ridiculous.
I would like to speak to your manager, please.
I am the manager.
You're the train manager? Yeah.
You're the train manager and you also operate the snack trolley.
That's right.
I suppose you drive the train as well, do you, Fra? - Sometimes.
- I'm sorry? I own the train.
I own all the trains.
Fuck me, there's wiser eating grass.
Jesus Christ! You're upsetting the passengers.
You're upsetting the passengers.
Stop being a dick and give me a fucking KitKat.
I'll give you a KitKat.
Thank you.
For 50 quid.
Are you nuts? I think we've established he might be.
Let go.
Come on, Michelle.
Make me.
I'm warning you.
Bite my eye.
Oh, my God, it's Pippa from Home and Away.
Original or recast? Sucker.
Oh, you sneaky wee shite.
I just don't want to get into it, Conor love, OK? Excuse me.
I need your help.
It's over.
Why can't you just accept that, babe? Excuse me, please.
What is it, honey? I missed the train.
I was in the loo.
When I came out everyone was gone, and it was the wrong platform, and I ran across, but it was too late and I missed the train.
OK, love, keep your knickers on.
My knickers are no concern of yours, thank you very much.
20 minutes till the next one.
Take a seat, gorgeous.
20 minutes? Yeah.
Sorry, I think I can wait 20 minutes.
I think that's fine.
OK.
Do you wear glasses? Sure, glasses do nothing for me, Mary.
You know that.
No, your character.
What? On the board, remember? Your character on the board.
Are they wearing glasses? Aged six and up it said on the box.
Are you a woman? What kind of a bloody question is that? Smart hole.
OK, you seem to have a bit of a problem grasping the concept here, Joe.
I'll tell you what I'll not have trouble grasping.
Your neck.
Ach, isn't this lovely? Are we wearing something belonging to her? Mary? Ha.
I don't believe it.
Ach, would you look who it is.
My God.
Sarah McCool.
Have you got a picture in the attic? Ach, away of that.
She hasn't changed a bit, sure she hasn't.
Aye, well, a lot of work goes into it.
Ach, Joe, Gerry.
You keeping well? Not so bad, not so bad.
No complaints, love.
I can't believe I've run into you.
I'm not back a wet week.
How are you finding it? Strange, you know.
But good, good strange.
Look, I have to get off at the next stop, and my stuff is all the way up the other end, so No bother at all.
So good to see you again.
You too.
Bye.
Who was that? No idea.
Don't know her from Adam.
So why did you pretend that you did? We could hardly break the girl, Gerry.
That's the trouble with you Dubliners.
You've no manners.
I'm not from Dublin, Joe.
Is he not? I'm from Navan.
Sure that's worse.
How is that worse? I don't know, but it's not better.
Look, it's grand.
She's gone now.
We got away with it.
We totally got away with it.
Ladies and gentlemen, our apologies for any inconvenience Are we slowing down? There's a problem on the line.
We will be holding the train here indefinitely.
Hello, again.
Ha-ha-ha.
And you thought you'd seen the back of me.
Aye, we did, aye.
Come on.
How much longer are we going to be stuck here? This is unbearable.
It's been a minute, Michelle.
Like 60 seconds.
I am so fucking bored.
Oh.
I know this really cracker game.
Yeah? I think of a number and you all have to guess what it is.
Orla, we're not going to sit here guessing numbers.
7.
No.
21.
No.
88.
No.
2,035.
No.
Or we could just, you know, talk.
Talk? Yes, Michelle, talk, like normal people, who are normal.
We ran out of things to talk about in 1993, Erin.
No, we didn't.
There's lots we could talk about.
Like? Like our hopes, our ambitions, our dreams.
OK, so last night there was this lion chasing me, but it had wee, tiny legs.
It was a full size lion but it had the legs of a sausage dog.
Not those type of dreams, Orla.
I mean our dreams for the future.
What lives do we want to live? What legacy do we hope to leave? Yes, James, go on.
Oh, sorry.
I thought I was going to sneeze, but I lost it.
Fine.
We'll just sit here in silence then.
Is that what you want? It's not a bad idea, actually.
Suits me.
I'll just think in my own head.
Clare would have talked.
Sh.
Here we go.
Ah.
Sister Michael.
Hi.
Clare.
I wasn't sure you saw me.
No, no, I did.
Right.
Heading to Portrush? Yep.
Anything nice planned? No.
OK.
I just don't see the point.
Can't we just move on? All right, Conor.
The truth is, you never satisfied me sexually.
Oh, please no.
Oh, Christ, it's been Years? Has it been years? Ha.
At least ten.
Oh, God, imagine.
What age must your wee girls be now? 14.
They're 17.
God, time flies, doesn't it? And what about you? How's yourdo youhave you? Playing with fire there, Mary.
Are you still, you know, are you not, you know? You don't have to beat around the bush, Mary.
Well, I do a bit.
I'm still single.
Ah.
Sure, who'd take me on? Don't say that.
You're a fine-looking woman.
Stop it.
I'm serious.
You could slice your hand on those cheekbones.
Well, I mean, there was someone once, but, he's married now, so.
But not to you.
Sure it's only what I deserve, after what happened.
Isn't that what everybody thinks? Is it? But sure, who hasn't made a mistake in their time, girls? Don't talk to me.
I had a perm in '85 that made me look like Leo Sayer.
Dark days.
Very dark days.
Anyway, enough of my woes.
We've not heard much out of you, Joe.
How's life been treating you? Ah, not great, I'm afraid.
I caught dementia.
Dementia? Riddled with it, so I am.
Ach, that's awful.
I can't remember a bloody thing.
I am so sorry to hear that, Joe.
Thanks, love.
Fair play, Joe.
I'm sorry, can nobody else hear that? What? The racket you're making.
I'm just breathing.
It sounds a bit like when you let the air out of a bouncy castle.
It's average.
It's normal, average breathing.
It's English breathing, James.
It is a bit oppressive, actually.
Fine.
I'll just sit on my own, then, shall I? Yeah, thank you.
What is taking you so long, dick splash? This isn't my bag.
Are you sure? Unless I forgot the fact that I packed a shit-ton of cash and a gun.
What? And a pair of pliers, some hairspray, a toothbrush, and one of those wee face hats.
A face hat? Jesus Christ, Orla.
And a bag of Tayto.
What flavour? Salt and vinegar.
Can we focus here, please? There's at least a grand in here.
And a gun.
An actual gun.
That guy.
When he was moving he must have taken my bag by mistake.
Just put it back.
What? The bag.
Just put it back.
And what about my bag? It has my camera in it, my swimming trunks.
Just swim in your cacks.
I don't want to swim in my cacks.
This is more important than your cacks.
He's dangerous.
Just put it back exactly as it was.
He can't know that we have touched anything.
Fantastic.
Right, so that's five cups of tea, a juice for the wean.
I'll take a KitKat.
No KitKats, I'm afraid.
Yeah, there's some there.
Those are display KitKats.
Display KitKats? They're for display purposes only, bird brain.
I'll get these.
Indeed you will not.
Put your purse away.
I've got it.
Here, son.
Ah.
Here, hold on, son.
You've done yourself.
That's 50p too much.
God, you'd never know he had dementia.
Aye, it comes and goes.
Thanks.
And thanks for being so nice.
Not everyone has been glad to see me back.
People can be so judgmental.
I bet you were shocked at the time, too.
You must have felt like you didn't even know me.
Who really knows anybody? You can ask me about it, girls.
I know you must be dying to.
Ach, sure, is there any point in raking it all up again? Ask me.
I have irritable bowel syndrome.
I'm sorry? Don't be.
It's just one of those things.
Aye, mine's playing up, now you mention it.
You have trouble with your bowels as well, do you, Sarah? I'm crippled with them, Gerry, as well you know.
Do you fancy a game of Guess Who? Maybe it wasn't a robbery.
Maybe he's a hit man and that stash is his blood money.
We don't have hit men.
We have Provos.
We had Provos, but ever since the ceasefire, paramilitary work has been drying up a bit, so maybe people are branching out.
You're welcome.
Huh.
The display KitKats? How did you get the display KitKats? I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
What sort of offer? Let's just say everybody has their price.
Orla.
You know the money that was in that bag with the gun? Go on.
Please tell me you did not swap that money for those KitKats.
No.
Oh, thank God.
I mean, not all of it.
How much of it? 500 or something.
Fucking hell, Orla.
Shit.
Look.
He's going to open the bag.
He's going to open the bag.
He's going to realise it's the wrong one and he's going to come over here, he's going to find his bag, he's going to look inside, he's going to see that there's 500 quid missing.
Then he's going to kill all of us with his actual gun that he actually has.
We need to get out of here.
Christ, this is desperate.
I know, Mary.
We're in too deep.
There's only one thing for it.
OK, let's do it.
What are you playing at? I thought we were making a run for it.
We can't do that.
Why not? We're in the back arse of nowhere, for one thing, and we can't just abandon Gerry, Daddy and our own weans.
Are you sure? No.
We can't desert our family because we got ourselves into a slightly embarrassing situation.
Slightly embarrassing? I'm turning inside out here.
We have to tell the truth.
We have to tell her we can't remember who she is.
Oh.
Jesus, just hand me a spade and let me bury myself.
We'd like a word.
I'm busy.
We want it back.
What? You know what, dickhead.
The money.
The £500.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
We can return the KitKats.
- No, we can't.
- Honestly, Orla.
Look, my cousin isn't all there, you know, brain-wise.
Oh, really? Because she told me she got better grades in her GCSEs than you did.
So.
She didn't get better grades.
You didn't get better grades than me, we got the same grades.
I tried to have hers disputed because Let's keep on track here, Erin.
OK.
The point is, you took advantage of her, so just give us back the money, or Or what? What are you going to do? OK, Fra.
We never wanted it to come to this.
But you have messed with the wrong crowd this time, punk.
Orla, no.
For the love of God, no.
Do not pull out that Is that a toothbrush? It's not just any toothbrush.
I see.
You think it's wise threatening someone in my position? You're a trolley dolly, Fra, so.
Yeah, and it's a toothbrush.
You think I'm not armed.
Well, think again.
This has gone in a direction I wasn't expecting.
Orla, drop the toothbrush.
Fra, lose the banana.
This is serious.
Someone could get hurt.
Really? I'll take my chances.
Oh, I'm not backing down now.
I've come too far.
OK, so I'm thinking we could be here a while.
Oh, my God! It's Bouncer from Neighbours.
I thought he was dead.
Leg it.
Damn it.
Do you have freckles? Yes.
Think I'm getting warmer.
Well, you're not getting any bloody wiser, that's for certain.
All right, Mary? Do you want to play Guess Who? Well, it's funny you should say that.
It's absolutely brilliant.
Come here.
Look at this.
Who does that look like? Isn't he the absolute spit of our Thomas? I mean, if you can imagine the 'tache.
He looks like Thomas O'Shea.
Yeah.
Thomas O'Shea.
Lived three doors down from us on the Lecky Road.
He had a sister, Aideen O'Shea.
This is Aideen O'Shea.
Aideen.
That's it.
Aideen O'Shea was massive.
No, Sarah.
We're talking huge.
Gorgeous looking girl, but she'd have made four of you, love.
And she was mad.
Sure, didn't she get banged up? Sarah, really? She's in prison.
She's not any more.
But a ten-year stretch does wonders for the old figure.
Ach, Aideen, what about you? OK, he's still there.
Doesn't seem to have noticed anything.
So now we just need to decide who's going to actually, you know, make the switch.
IN UNISON: You are.
I don't want to do it.
I think Orla should do it.
What a fucking gentleman.
Well, she's got those massive shoes on.
It'll be easier for her to reach the rack.
What the hell are you doing with that? It must have fell when the train started.
Right.
Nice boots.
Thank you very much.
Now get the fuck off me.
Absolutely.
And I'd just generally like to be a bit more adventurous, you know? It's just all missionary, missionary, missionary.
You know my friend Roisin? She told me her and Marty Collins get up to all sorts.
She ties him up and everything.
I'd love to do that.
No, Conor, not tie you up.
No, I mean I'd love to tie Marty Collins up.
Oh, he's so hot.
The next train from platform two will be the 9:40 from Londonderry to Portrush, calling at I think I'll head out to the platform.
Good idea.
Excuse me, madam.
Yeah.
I must tell you I am shocked.
I know what you're going to say to me - "It's none of my business," but what cowboy is responsible for this soundproofing? It's atrocious.
You need to speak to the lad who did our confessionals.
They're great.
There are fellas telling Father Peter where they stashed the murder weapon and the congregation is none the wiser.
I'll drop his number in to you.
I can't believe it.
I lose a bit of weight and you don't recognise me? Yeah, were you following any sort of programme in there, or? Oh, my God.
We grew up together, girls.
I have the same eyes.
I have the same smile.
Come on now, you must have cut out the carbs.
Did you? Any real change that happened, happened in here.
Going to prison, it wasit was tough, but it allowed me to work on myself.
And now that I'm out, I'm going to do some good.
I'm going to make a difference.
Weights, was it? Excuse me.
Holy shit.
Thought I'd better come find you.
I'm getting off at this next stop here.
Jesus, I left this fella to mind my bag.
You must have thought I wasn't coming back.
Don't worry, sweetheart, there you go.
Thank you.
Castlerock.
Please depart safely.
Well, I'd better go too, so I really hope it works out for you, Aideen.
I really mean that.
Thanks, Mary.
Right.
Now, where is my ticket? Bastard.
What's wrong? I had a pack of Tayto in here.
That fella must have took them.
Animal.
I'll kill him.
Oi, you.
Bucko.
What have you done with my Taytos? What's wrong with you, you mad bastard? Take those fucking headphones off.
Who is she, Mammy? Just a girl we knew once.
Had a tough life.
Made a few mistakes, but she has totally turned things around now.
Really? Where are my crisps? She is not happy about him nicking the cheese and onion, is she? They were salt and vinegar.
What? That fuckwit.
Him.
That fucker there.
Is he pointing at you, son? Oh, God.
It was him.
It was him.
Where's my crisps? You owe me a packet of crisps.
Where's my Tayto? Where's my salt and vinegar crisps? You stole my crisps.
Yeah, this is going to be a great shot, I think.
Just make sure you get the bit where it turns upside down.
Turns upside down? I just hope to Christ my hat stays on.
Hold on tight, everyone.
Here we go, folks.
Ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have a technical problem.
We're going to have to stall here for the time being.
God almighty.