Difficult People (2015) s03e03 Episode Script
Code Change
1 Finally, somewhere we can charge our phones without having to buy anything.
I know.
Thank God.
Literally! The problem is, if my mom calls when my phone is dead, she gets mad she can't reach me and it activates the guilt sequence.
Well, she may be the trigger, but you're the one omitting those Wait.
What's the opposite of endorphins? Judaism.
She just keeps calling me to ask me to do stupid things, and I feel guilty, so I say yes, and then I feel like shit, and then we start the whole thing from the top.
A-5, 6, 7, 8.
You know, there is not a single fucking outlet here.
I know! What is this place even good for? Does anybody work here? [driving punk rock music.]
Finally an electrical outlet.
Make room for Mommy.
Uh, hey.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, sorry.
So sorry.
Thank you.
Hi.
Um, Vanessa.
I'm an alcoholic.
- Is this sitcomy? - Not if we're respectful.
I repeat behaviors that hurt me, and then I feel really bad about myself.
That sounds just like me and my mom.
Oh, shit, Billy.
I'm at 1%.
This is gonna take forever to charge.
Let's stay for the meeting.
ALL: Keep coming back.
It works if you work it, so work it; You're worth it.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, everybody.
[applause.]
Thank you.
Clapping? Why are they clapping? That guy over there was barely phoning it in.
Hi.
I'm Vanessa.
Welcome.
- Hi.
- I'm a hugger.
Oh.
Hello.
I'm Julie.
I'm not.
Oh, okay.
Hi - I just sanitized my hands.
- Okay.
Is this your first time in a meeting? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I have to say, what you were yammering on about earlier really resonated with me.
Listen, if you ever need anybody to talk to, please, don't hesitate to call me.
Oh, I'm into dudes.
I wasn't coming on to you.
Just sobriety.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay? Thanks a lot.
And good luck.
- Oh, I don't need good luck.
- Hmm? - 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, he's gay.
No, no, no.
He's not my boyfriend.
My boyfriend's way more feminine.
[rock music.]
Mom, what's going on? I'm on a deadline.
Netflix just dropped 1,700 episodes of "The Ranch" on their poor subscribers overnight.
Julie, I believe that my dentist is trimming my bangs while I'm asleep in his chair.
- Mom, no.
- Julie, yes.
I had a hunch, so I scheduled a superfluous teeth whitening.
And look at these selfies.
These are before and after.
This is the before.
And this is the after.
No, wait.
That's a mistake.
That's right.
This is the befo Oh, my God, what's wrong with me? Why do I keep coming back for this? Julie, somebody could be collecting my DNA or they could be making a wig from my bangs very slowly.
After all I do for you, you can't give me ten minutes of your life.
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry.
Besides, staring at your hair is still more interesting than watching Ashton Kutcher and Sam Elliott clash worldviews in front of a live studio audience.
I think the one on the right your bangs look shorter.
I knew it! That's the one.
What a creep he is.
Oh, Julie, while you're here, I need you to partially clog the drain in my bathtub so that when I take a shower, my feet stay warm.
Arthur, close the door.
I have sort of an awkward subject to discuss.
Gabby, you've told me about your favorite American Girl doll's hysterectomy at length yesterday.
And I maintain there are no wrong decisions around it.
Right, well, between you, me, and my American Girl doll's uterus, we have a problem with Lester from sales.
Why? He's been here 30 years.
He can't learn our new computers.
Look, maybe you could, um, coach him.
I could certainly try.
Thanks.
I really don't want to have to let Lester go.
The world is cruel enough.
Thank God Bitty Baby can't have children.
[grunts.]
[moans.]
You didn't finish.
- Oh, I got it.
- No, no, no, no.
Let me.
It'll just be faster if I do it.
Then we can walk the dogs and come home in time to watch Samantha Bee.
As erotic a scenario as you've just painted with your word pictures, I miss when we started going out and I would get you off myself.
Okay.
We'll take the long way home.
[game show theme music.]
[sighs.]
I know how to do this.
Why isn't it working? I don't know, but I think we should cut our losses before any chaffing happens.
- I feel terrible.
- Don't feel terrible.
Millions of women go to bed every night without having an orgasm.
All their husbands voted for Trump.
At least you care.
Let's change the subject.
This is what I did today.
I went to my first AA meeting.
But it was just to charge my phone.
Anyway, long story short, I'm addicted to my mother.
[phone buzzing.]
Hello? Billy.
It's Rucchel, your sister-in-law.
Thanks for narrowing down all the Rucchels in my life.
It's 6:00 a.
M.
Why are you calling me? There were noises in the house all night and I don't feel safe.
Garry is still in Israel, so it's just me and the girls.
Please come! Hi, Rucchel.
Why am I here? What do you want from me, and how long is it going to take? The answer to all your questions is shut the fuck up.
Where do you have to be, a loser convention? Okay.
So, what's happening? There are noises in the house? I'm sure it's the new neighbors across the street.
They're the first gentiles ever to live on Feldshuh Lane, and I think they're trying to mess with us.
By doing what, exactly? They come in at night, move things around, don't take anything, and then leave.
It's called "creepy crawling.
" - I'm going home.
- No, you're not.
You're gonna back me up while I scream at those goyim until they go back to Marblehead.
They could have guns.
Or Polo mallets.
Uncle Billy, please don't let her do anything.
She's going to embarrass us.
Shut the fuck up, Tal! I am not.
Hey, you Christmas celebrators! Stop creeping crawling, and get out of our neighborhood! Sorry! Don't mind her! No, you know, Jews, we're the same as you.
No.
We've suffered a lot more.
No! We've all suffered! Shut up, Billy.
Get back in the house.
[rock music.]
So Rucchel is the first Jew these neighbors have ever met? She's not a great ambassador.
Julie, I had to run across the street and apologize to these poor Presbyterians from Eureka Springs, Arkansas.
- That can't be a real place.
- Yes.
Do you think Eureka Springs is named after the first girl who ever squirted? Clumsy transition, but topic adjacent - Okay.
- Arthur is no longer okay with the conclusion of our sexual routine.
- He can't cum? - He can't make me cum.
But I can make me cum, which is fine.
The point is, everybody's cuming! Sounds like an episode of "Californication.
" - What's the problem? - He's taking it personally and he's become obsessed with doing it for me.
It's well-intentioned but exhausting.
Like Tim Robbins.
But I don't get it.
Why is it so complicated? It's not, and I hate when people say that giving a woman an orgasm is complicated.
It's not a circuit board.
It's a series of mechanical actions that you learn and repeat.
The problem is, I think my code changed.
But I thought you said it's not a circuit board.
It's not; It's more like a combination lock or a PlayStation controller.
It's a sure thing.
Up, up, down, down, left, left, right, up, down, long diagonal, long stroke, punch, game over.
- Punch? - Punch.
Mazel tov.
Well, I don't get it.
So what's different now? After three failed attempts at breaking the new code, I think my vagina locked Arthur out.
Oh, no.
Your pussy got a stronger password.
[laughs.]
Are we talking about code changes? Mine changes every day.
Sometimes it's four strokes and a yank, sometimes just a couple of toes up my asshole.
Oh, God, the male organ is a complicated wonderland.
Did I just overhear a conversation about your dull, hetero/homonormative sex lives? Yes, Lola Falana! Drag them! Oh! Your experience isn't worth a hill of flickable beans.
If you had half a brain in that red Bozo wig, you would know there are a million ways to cum.
You're only using ten percent of your pussy.
Call me when you're ready to be "Limitless.
" Oh, hi, Mama D.
You look cute.
You all dressed up for Nate's return from Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp? Yes, and now that he got that silly little rock and roll phase out of his system, we can put it behind us.
[bluesy guitar riff.]
Oh, God, no.
Red Band Trailer, I'm working late.
I have to save an old man from becoming redundant.
JULIE: Arthur, you're not redundant.
Orgasms are just faster and easier if I do them myself.
That isn't what I was talking about, but thank you for reinforcing my sexual failure on my work phone.
Oh, shit, I gotta go.
My mom's on the other line.
Can I call you back? I've gotten, like, seven texts from her that say "Emergency.
" Emergency, Julie.
Emergency.
I need you here right now.
I'm at Saks, and everything my personal shopper picked out for me is way too boxy.
Is she trying to sabotage me? Does she think I'm ten years older than I am? You know what, Mom, I'll call you right back.
Julie? Hey, uh, Vanessa? This is Julie from the AA meeting.
Listen, I need your help.
The bottle is calling.
Rucchel, you have to stop calling me.
Oh, I'm sorry my terror is inconveniencing you, you selfish son of a bitch.
It's a good thing your parents are already dead, because if they saw how you treat your only sister-in-law, it would fucking kill them.
Oh, please, Rucchel.
My parents hated you.
You know that.
They were just happy that Garry could lose his virginity.
Exactly.
I took one for the team; Now it's your turn.
Go check the basement.
What if it's not creepy crawlers? For all I know, there could be a dybbuk down there.
Oh, really, Rucchel? A dybbuk? A Yiddish demon is haunting your water heater? - [clanging.]
- [gasps.]
Okay, I heard that.
Uh Stay here.
[ominous music.]
[screams.]
Garry! Billy? Thank God.
The Israeli Army doesn't want me, so I've been hiding out under here.
Could you please get me crackers and some clean socks? Garry, what the fuck is wrong with you? What did you do to get yourself kicked out of the Israeli Army? No, I didn't get kicked out.
I I never even made it past the Tel Aviv airport.
I got there and they took my vitals; They said my Dramamine levels were too high and then they just sent me home.
I begged them to let it wear off, but they just threw some oranges at me.
What the hell is going on down there? Oh, nothing, Rucchel! Stay up there! - Garry, this is so - I know, I know.
It's pathetic and stupid.
I know, I know.
I just feel so ashamed with Rucchel and the girls, so I've just been hiding out down here and just sneaking up at night.
You're living down here? This is like "Room" if that abuser had kept kosher.
What the fuck is wrong with you? How long have you been living on fucking crackers and basement air? Oh, I don't know.
I mean I think a couple of days.
A month.
- What? - Here's the thing, I'm scheduled to come home soon, so if I could pull it off, I have, you know, one of those really great, like, heroes welcomes.
You ever see those YouTube videos of soldiers coming home and those dogs don't even consider biting them? I want that with Rucchel.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Living down here, running around the dark with your little lantern like you're fucking Ichabod Crane.
Your wife thinks that your house is haunted by a dybbuk, okay? I'm not gonna be part of this.
I understand.
You don't wanna help.
And I wouldn't either.
I'll just continue living under the stairs.
[door creaks.]
God damn it, Garry.
Rucchel.
You've got a dybbuk.
[rock music.]
So now I have to stage an exorcism so that Garry can pretend to come home from the Israeli Army in time for Rucchel to believe that her home is dybbuk-free.
Perfect.
Meanwhile, Arthur is holding me hostage to an orgasm of his own making.
He asked me to block out three hours tonight.
There's nothing hotter than reserving the amount of time it would take to watch "The Hobbit" for your lover to insist on pleasuring you.
I know; I feel like I'm about to be subjected to some kind of clitoral fracking.
NATE: Hey, hey, hey.
How's it going, New York City? We are Order's Up.
We're all over 40, we all own restaurants, and we met at Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
This is an extremely slow version of "Surfin' Bird.
" One, two, three.
Well, everybody's heard about the bird Jesus Christ.
We've only been parents for six months and he's already going through a mid-life crisis.
Bird, bird, bird Hey, hold on, guys.
I'm a little bit out of tune.
Hold on.
Bird [guitars tuning.]
Bird, bird, bird This is some straight-up Tim Allen shit.
"How to Exorcise a Dybbuk.
" The unloved spinoff to "How To Train Your Dragon.
" Step 1.
Assemble a Minyan.
Like those little yellow idiots? Billy, if you make one more goddamn quip, I will punch you so hard, your stubble will fall to the floor like you're in a fucking cartoon.
Note taken.
A minyan is a prayer group of ten Jewish Men who have all been Bar-Mitzvah'ed.
Well, this neighborhood is notably Jewladen.
I mean, we could just knock on doors and ask.
Are you out of your mind? I don't want my neighbors to know I have a dybbuk.
Whenever I need a guy on short notice, I just use RentB I mean, Tinder.
That's it! We'll recruit our Minyan from J-Swipe! Isn't J-Swipe how you teach girls to wipe? Front to back in the shape of an upper case J? Why do you know that? No.
J-Swipe is Jewish Tinder.
- There's Jewish Tinder? - Yes.
- [groans.]
- We'll create a fake profile for the ultimate Jewish girl.
Yes! I like that.
Image search "Brandeis.
" Yes, those photos are from the Jewish A Capella championships.
- The Jew-Wops.
- Hello, gorgeous.
Bye bye, Dybbuk.
What should we say? [funky music.]
"My breasts are as heavy and dense "as two garbage bags full of marbles, and I have the flattest, widest ass you've ever seen.
" "- When I'm not drinking iced tea "in an air-conditioned restaurant, "I'm praying to Hashem "to send me a man who will share with me his opinions on everything from Bob Dylan to Philip Roth.
" Ooh.
[Arthur panting.]
That was "The Braille Wishbone.
" [grunting.]
"The Morse Code Noose" combined with.
"Reach for the rest of the peanut butter" "under the life of the jar.
" Oh, really? No luck with "The Double-Handed Vulcan Salute"? Okay.
Drumroll please.
"The Other Becky From 'Roseanne.
'" Ah! I've got some disappointing news.
My entire doll collection committed suicide last night.
I'm sorry for your loss.
And since you started working with Lester, he's actually started forgetting things he used to know how to do.
So, I'm sorry, Arthur, but it's time to let Lester go.
He's just completely useless.
Or maybe the problem isn't Lester.
Maybe the software has changed! Give him one more chance! Not the right time, Arthur! Call me when you've found 45 dolls in an oven.
Uh, God damn it, Lester.
I don't need to watch you fumble around like Ronald Reagan in either term.
Okay, click on the file.
Click on the folder.
Okay? Try it.
Folder, fi no, stop! Just easier if I do it myself.
Hey J-Swipers.
Debbie, the Jewish girl that you matched with, she'll be down in a second.
She's just diffusing her hair.
I know how long diffusing takes.
Curly hair is a whole thing if you don't want frizz.
My sisters, they spend forever in the morning.
But I'm telling you, I've known her since camp, and she's worth the wait.
Oh, camp that was the happiest I was ever at.
All my friends come from summer camp.
I can't wait to meet her.
You know, Jordan and I used to do a Capella at Camp Ramah.
Nobody cares.
Save it for Debbie.
She loves that shit.
Really? I formed a Doo Wop Group with my friends from Project Birthright.
My Bar Mitzvah theme was a three-part harmony.
I started a Barbershop Quartet on the train here.
Was Lou Reed the last cool Jew? I am so glad that you reached out.
The first step of sobriety can be scary.
Yeah, I can see how it can be.
Excuse me? Can I please see the wine list? - Julie.
- Fine.
Four desserts.
And surprise me.
Julie, you were a wreck when you called me from Saks.
I mean, you've got to get a handle on these addictions.
I love this sponsor thing.
It's like having a friend who never talks about herself.
- [laughing.]
- A cheese plate doesn't count.
I'm gonna need a fifth.
Oh, no, no, leave it, please.
Thank you.
Nancy Reagan was an AIDS-ignoring monster.
Tell me something I don't know.
However, next time the bottle calls - I'll just say no.
- There you go.
Atta girl.
[phone buzzes.]
- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Hmm? It's the bottle calling.
My old drinking buddy.
You know what to do.
I am right here for you.
Okay.
- [phone continues buzzing.]
- Hi.
Julie, I need you to replace these energy-efficient lightbulbs with energy-wasting ones.
This economy lighting is aging me.
No.
- Excuse me? - JULIE: I said no.
I can't do it.
Good-bye.
What? I'm sorry.
Well, if I look sick, it's because of the call I just had with my daughter, or this bullshit Al Gore lighting.
Anyway, catch me up.
Thanks for the meditation app recommendation.
Danny Aiello wasn't exactly the guide Is it hot in here? Are you hot? Uh.
How good does that feel? What were we so afraid of? I don't know! I mean, I said no.
Big deal; What's the worst thing that could happen? [phone buzzes.]
[groans.]
- Yeah? - I I just called 911.
- Ow! - I think your mom is having a heart attack.
Ow! - You okay? - Yeah, I think I just learned what the worst thing that could happen is.
Mom! How did you get past the nurse? How could you tell her not to let me in? How did you give me a heart attack? I did not intend to give you a heart attack.
I was just trying to set some boundaries.
Please.
That's "Julie" for you doing what you like, when you like it, with no regard for what I need.
All I do is regard your needs.
It's making me unhealthy.
That's rich, Julie.
You're complaining about you being unhealthy when I'm in a hospital bed? All I did was tell you I couldn't come over and change all of your lightbulbs within an hour's notice.
Was it worth it, Julie? Was it worth it? Stop blaming me for this! MAN: Can you please keep it down? BOTH: Shut up, asshole! Before you meet Debbie, let's say a traditional blessing for first dates.
And five, six, seven, eight.
ALL: Dybbuk, dybbuk, dybbuk, get out of town RUCCHEL: Good! ALL: Dybbuk, Dybbuk, Dybbuk, don't come back around And counter-clockwise.
BOTH: Gey avek, dyvuk Put some feeling into it! Billy, get in there.
- No.
- Get in there, Billy! Get in there.
It won't work unless ten of you do it.
BOTH: Un ikh darf az du zolst gey [indistinct Yiddish.]
dybuk, di ale! Gey avek un kum nisht tsurik! We don't need you here, dybbuk.
Oh, no, not I.
[ululating.]
[ululating.]
Rid thee, demons! Flee from this home! Flee from this home! [ululating.]
Oh, my God! Chrissy, Lexington.
How are you? Thank you for coming.
A margarine casserole? That is so sweet of you.
[ululating.]
- Don't worry about that.
- [ululating.]
We're just Jews.
We're just like you.
We're not weird.
Daddy's home! Garry! Ask me about Israel.
Ask me about Israel! Get me out of here, Julie.
Who knows what they'd do to my bangs if I nodded off.
Here, let me.
Don't forget my eyebrows.
You know, I have in my will they can't bury me without doing my eyebrows.
You know that video will I made with Tina what's-her-name.
I'm still in shock.
I can't believe you almost died.
You know, sometimes I wonder if maybe that would be a relief for you.
Are you crazy? I can't imagine life without you.
I'd say you're a part of me, but sometimes I think you're most of me.
You can't leave, Mom.
I'd disappear.
Oh, sweetie.
I'm not going anywhere.
I can't imagine what life would be without me, either.
I'm sorry about the nurse.
Next time I have a crisis in the Saks dressing room, I think maybe I'll just send a selfie.
I'd like that.
You know what, I do think she was trying to sabotage you.
- I'm not that boxy.
- Nobody is.
- I'm exhausted.
- Me too.
What if we both just sit here and we're okay with doing absolutely nothing.
We won't even try to do nothing.
We'll just do nothing.
- Yes.
- Completely.
[sighs.]
[rock music.]
MAN: Ease your hand Call out your name - We did it.
- You did it.
Thank you for letting me.
I wonder what was different this time.
Uh, maybe if you're turned on enough, there is no specific code.
[phone buzzes.]
Oh, shit.
It's my sponsor.
Do you mind if a grab it? Pumpkin Seed, from now on, I don't mind if you grab it or if you let me.
As long as we're both satisfied during and after sex, I'm as happy as a Jewish girl in an air-conditioned restaurant.
- Hey, Vanessa.
VANESSA: Hey.
I was just wondering if you're gonna come to the meeting tonight.
Exactly, I'm using again.
I tried but, I don't think I'm ready to quit her.
So I just put a turban on her instead, and now my boyfriend can make me cum.
Okay, Julie.
You're obviously wasted.
If you need any help, you have my number.
Hi, I'm Vanessa.
I'm an alcoholic.
Get the hell out of my chair.
So was the army scary? Oh, it sure was.
You know, it's not so easy living in such damp conditions.
Eating crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
What a blessing.
Our dybbuk is gone, and our Garry is home.
Really great timing for two unrelated events.
Listen, I gotta go.
I will see you all at the next unpronounceable holiday.
GARRY: Billy? Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, I mean, um, thank you very much.
I salute you.
All right.
Bye, guys.
Billy Thank you.
Billy [mouthing.]
Thank you so much, Uncle Billy.
Shut the fuck up, Tal.
The first fucking time in your life you say thank you, and it has to be now? - I'm just sorry you - You don't even know what the fuck you're thanking him for.
All right, okay.
Hey, so is Debbie almost ready yet? [lively ska music.]
Hey! How's it going? Hello, everybody! Lookin' good.
Up top.
Yeah! Whoo! Lester, just the man I wanted to see.
You're fired.
Clean out your desk.
All right, Gabby.
Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.
I don't know how.
I don't know how.
Okay, PBS, baby! Yeah.
Making TV.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
These guys make the Rock Bottom Remainders look like well, no, they suck also.
We're also taking requests.
Oh, I'd like to retroactively request the night off.
No.
He's getting better.
Matthew, he is damn not.
This is a nightmare.
Oh, well, what if you took your baby back to the adoption agency, got rid of it? You know, put the focus back on Matthew? All right, listen up, Sheeple! I'm Lola, and I'm the newest member of Order's Up.
This is a real song you can find on YouTube, called "Building Seven.
" Three, four MAN: Oh! Thought it'd be easy Thought they didn't know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow
I know.
Thank God.
Literally! The problem is, if my mom calls when my phone is dead, she gets mad she can't reach me and it activates the guilt sequence.
Well, she may be the trigger, but you're the one omitting those Wait.
What's the opposite of endorphins? Judaism.
She just keeps calling me to ask me to do stupid things, and I feel guilty, so I say yes, and then I feel like shit, and then we start the whole thing from the top.
A-5, 6, 7, 8.
You know, there is not a single fucking outlet here.
I know! What is this place even good for? Does anybody work here? [driving punk rock music.]
Finally an electrical outlet.
Make room for Mommy.
Uh, hey.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, sorry.
So sorry.
Thank you.
Hi.
Um, Vanessa.
I'm an alcoholic.
- Is this sitcomy? - Not if we're respectful.
I repeat behaviors that hurt me, and then I feel really bad about myself.
That sounds just like me and my mom.
Oh, shit, Billy.
I'm at 1%.
This is gonna take forever to charge.
Let's stay for the meeting.
ALL: Keep coming back.
It works if you work it, so work it; You're worth it.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, everybody.
[applause.]
Thank you.
Clapping? Why are they clapping? That guy over there was barely phoning it in.
Hi.
I'm Vanessa.
Welcome.
- Hi.
- I'm a hugger.
Oh.
Hello.
I'm Julie.
I'm not.
Oh, okay.
Hi - I just sanitized my hands.
- Okay.
Is this your first time in a meeting? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I have to say, what you were yammering on about earlier really resonated with me.
Listen, if you ever need anybody to talk to, please, don't hesitate to call me.
Oh, I'm into dudes.
I wasn't coming on to you.
Just sobriety.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay? Thanks a lot.
And good luck.
- Oh, I don't need good luck.
- Hmm? - 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, he's gay.
No, no, no.
He's not my boyfriend.
My boyfriend's way more feminine.
[rock music.]
Mom, what's going on? I'm on a deadline.
Netflix just dropped 1,700 episodes of "The Ranch" on their poor subscribers overnight.
Julie, I believe that my dentist is trimming my bangs while I'm asleep in his chair.
- Mom, no.
- Julie, yes.
I had a hunch, so I scheduled a superfluous teeth whitening.
And look at these selfies.
These are before and after.
This is the before.
And this is the after.
No, wait.
That's a mistake.
That's right.
This is the befo Oh, my God, what's wrong with me? Why do I keep coming back for this? Julie, somebody could be collecting my DNA or they could be making a wig from my bangs very slowly.
After all I do for you, you can't give me ten minutes of your life.
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry.
Besides, staring at your hair is still more interesting than watching Ashton Kutcher and Sam Elliott clash worldviews in front of a live studio audience.
I think the one on the right your bangs look shorter.
I knew it! That's the one.
What a creep he is.
Oh, Julie, while you're here, I need you to partially clog the drain in my bathtub so that when I take a shower, my feet stay warm.
Arthur, close the door.
I have sort of an awkward subject to discuss.
Gabby, you've told me about your favorite American Girl doll's hysterectomy at length yesterday.
And I maintain there are no wrong decisions around it.
Right, well, between you, me, and my American Girl doll's uterus, we have a problem with Lester from sales.
Why? He's been here 30 years.
He can't learn our new computers.
Look, maybe you could, um, coach him.
I could certainly try.
Thanks.
I really don't want to have to let Lester go.
The world is cruel enough.
Thank God Bitty Baby can't have children.
[grunts.]
[moans.]
You didn't finish.
- Oh, I got it.
- No, no, no, no.
Let me.
It'll just be faster if I do it.
Then we can walk the dogs and come home in time to watch Samantha Bee.
As erotic a scenario as you've just painted with your word pictures, I miss when we started going out and I would get you off myself.
Okay.
We'll take the long way home.
[game show theme music.]
[sighs.]
I know how to do this.
Why isn't it working? I don't know, but I think we should cut our losses before any chaffing happens.
- I feel terrible.
- Don't feel terrible.
Millions of women go to bed every night without having an orgasm.
All their husbands voted for Trump.
At least you care.
Let's change the subject.
This is what I did today.
I went to my first AA meeting.
But it was just to charge my phone.
Anyway, long story short, I'm addicted to my mother.
[phone buzzing.]
Hello? Billy.
It's Rucchel, your sister-in-law.
Thanks for narrowing down all the Rucchels in my life.
It's 6:00 a.
M.
Why are you calling me? There were noises in the house all night and I don't feel safe.
Garry is still in Israel, so it's just me and the girls.
Please come! Hi, Rucchel.
Why am I here? What do you want from me, and how long is it going to take? The answer to all your questions is shut the fuck up.
Where do you have to be, a loser convention? Okay.
So, what's happening? There are noises in the house? I'm sure it's the new neighbors across the street.
They're the first gentiles ever to live on Feldshuh Lane, and I think they're trying to mess with us.
By doing what, exactly? They come in at night, move things around, don't take anything, and then leave.
It's called "creepy crawling.
" - I'm going home.
- No, you're not.
You're gonna back me up while I scream at those goyim until they go back to Marblehead.
They could have guns.
Or Polo mallets.
Uncle Billy, please don't let her do anything.
She's going to embarrass us.
Shut the fuck up, Tal! I am not.
Hey, you Christmas celebrators! Stop creeping crawling, and get out of our neighborhood! Sorry! Don't mind her! No, you know, Jews, we're the same as you.
No.
We've suffered a lot more.
No! We've all suffered! Shut up, Billy.
Get back in the house.
[rock music.]
So Rucchel is the first Jew these neighbors have ever met? She's not a great ambassador.
Julie, I had to run across the street and apologize to these poor Presbyterians from Eureka Springs, Arkansas.
- That can't be a real place.
- Yes.
Do you think Eureka Springs is named after the first girl who ever squirted? Clumsy transition, but topic adjacent - Okay.
- Arthur is no longer okay with the conclusion of our sexual routine.
- He can't cum? - He can't make me cum.
But I can make me cum, which is fine.
The point is, everybody's cuming! Sounds like an episode of "Californication.
" - What's the problem? - He's taking it personally and he's become obsessed with doing it for me.
It's well-intentioned but exhausting.
Like Tim Robbins.
But I don't get it.
Why is it so complicated? It's not, and I hate when people say that giving a woman an orgasm is complicated.
It's not a circuit board.
It's a series of mechanical actions that you learn and repeat.
The problem is, I think my code changed.
But I thought you said it's not a circuit board.
It's not; It's more like a combination lock or a PlayStation controller.
It's a sure thing.
Up, up, down, down, left, left, right, up, down, long diagonal, long stroke, punch, game over.
- Punch? - Punch.
Mazel tov.
Well, I don't get it.
So what's different now? After three failed attempts at breaking the new code, I think my vagina locked Arthur out.
Oh, no.
Your pussy got a stronger password.
[laughs.]
Are we talking about code changes? Mine changes every day.
Sometimes it's four strokes and a yank, sometimes just a couple of toes up my asshole.
Oh, God, the male organ is a complicated wonderland.
Did I just overhear a conversation about your dull, hetero/homonormative sex lives? Yes, Lola Falana! Drag them! Oh! Your experience isn't worth a hill of flickable beans.
If you had half a brain in that red Bozo wig, you would know there are a million ways to cum.
You're only using ten percent of your pussy.
Call me when you're ready to be "Limitless.
" Oh, hi, Mama D.
You look cute.
You all dressed up for Nate's return from Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp? Yes, and now that he got that silly little rock and roll phase out of his system, we can put it behind us.
[bluesy guitar riff.]
Oh, God, no.
Red Band Trailer, I'm working late.
I have to save an old man from becoming redundant.
JULIE: Arthur, you're not redundant.
Orgasms are just faster and easier if I do them myself.
That isn't what I was talking about, but thank you for reinforcing my sexual failure on my work phone.
Oh, shit, I gotta go.
My mom's on the other line.
Can I call you back? I've gotten, like, seven texts from her that say "Emergency.
" Emergency, Julie.
Emergency.
I need you here right now.
I'm at Saks, and everything my personal shopper picked out for me is way too boxy.
Is she trying to sabotage me? Does she think I'm ten years older than I am? You know what, Mom, I'll call you right back.
Julie? Hey, uh, Vanessa? This is Julie from the AA meeting.
Listen, I need your help.
The bottle is calling.
Rucchel, you have to stop calling me.
Oh, I'm sorry my terror is inconveniencing you, you selfish son of a bitch.
It's a good thing your parents are already dead, because if they saw how you treat your only sister-in-law, it would fucking kill them.
Oh, please, Rucchel.
My parents hated you.
You know that.
They were just happy that Garry could lose his virginity.
Exactly.
I took one for the team; Now it's your turn.
Go check the basement.
What if it's not creepy crawlers? For all I know, there could be a dybbuk down there.
Oh, really, Rucchel? A dybbuk? A Yiddish demon is haunting your water heater? - [clanging.]
- [gasps.]
Okay, I heard that.
Uh Stay here.
[ominous music.]
[screams.]
Garry! Billy? Thank God.
The Israeli Army doesn't want me, so I've been hiding out under here.
Could you please get me crackers and some clean socks? Garry, what the fuck is wrong with you? What did you do to get yourself kicked out of the Israeli Army? No, I didn't get kicked out.
I I never even made it past the Tel Aviv airport.
I got there and they took my vitals; They said my Dramamine levels were too high and then they just sent me home.
I begged them to let it wear off, but they just threw some oranges at me.
What the hell is going on down there? Oh, nothing, Rucchel! Stay up there! - Garry, this is so - I know, I know.
It's pathetic and stupid.
I know, I know.
I just feel so ashamed with Rucchel and the girls, so I've just been hiding out down here and just sneaking up at night.
You're living down here? This is like "Room" if that abuser had kept kosher.
What the fuck is wrong with you? How long have you been living on fucking crackers and basement air? Oh, I don't know.
I mean I think a couple of days.
A month.
- What? - Here's the thing, I'm scheduled to come home soon, so if I could pull it off, I have, you know, one of those really great, like, heroes welcomes.
You ever see those YouTube videos of soldiers coming home and those dogs don't even consider biting them? I want that with Rucchel.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Living down here, running around the dark with your little lantern like you're fucking Ichabod Crane.
Your wife thinks that your house is haunted by a dybbuk, okay? I'm not gonna be part of this.
I understand.
You don't wanna help.
And I wouldn't either.
I'll just continue living under the stairs.
[door creaks.]
God damn it, Garry.
Rucchel.
You've got a dybbuk.
[rock music.]
So now I have to stage an exorcism so that Garry can pretend to come home from the Israeli Army in time for Rucchel to believe that her home is dybbuk-free.
Perfect.
Meanwhile, Arthur is holding me hostage to an orgasm of his own making.
He asked me to block out three hours tonight.
There's nothing hotter than reserving the amount of time it would take to watch "The Hobbit" for your lover to insist on pleasuring you.
I know; I feel like I'm about to be subjected to some kind of clitoral fracking.
NATE: Hey, hey, hey.
How's it going, New York City? We are Order's Up.
We're all over 40, we all own restaurants, and we met at Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp.
This is an extremely slow version of "Surfin' Bird.
" One, two, three.
Well, everybody's heard about the bird Jesus Christ.
We've only been parents for six months and he's already going through a mid-life crisis.
Bird, bird, bird Hey, hold on, guys.
I'm a little bit out of tune.
Hold on.
Bird [guitars tuning.]
Bird, bird, bird This is some straight-up Tim Allen shit.
"How to Exorcise a Dybbuk.
" The unloved spinoff to "How To Train Your Dragon.
" Step 1.
Assemble a Minyan.
Like those little yellow idiots? Billy, if you make one more goddamn quip, I will punch you so hard, your stubble will fall to the floor like you're in a fucking cartoon.
Note taken.
A minyan is a prayer group of ten Jewish Men who have all been Bar-Mitzvah'ed.
Well, this neighborhood is notably Jewladen.
I mean, we could just knock on doors and ask.
Are you out of your mind? I don't want my neighbors to know I have a dybbuk.
Whenever I need a guy on short notice, I just use RentB I mean, Tinder.
That's it! We'll recruit our Minyan from J-Swipe! Isn't J-Swipe how you teach girls to wipe? Front to back in the shape of an upper case J? Why do you know that? No.
J-Swipe is Jewish Tinder.
- There's Jewish Tinder? - Yes.
- [groans.]
- We'll create a fake profile for the ultimate Jewish girl.
Yes! I like that.
Image search "Brandeis.
" Yes, those photos are from the Jewish A Capella championships.
- The Jew-Wops.
- Hello, gorgeous.
Bye bye, Dybbuk.
What should we say? [funky music.]
"My breasts are as heavy and dense "as two garbage bags full of marbles, and I have the flattest, widest ass you've ever seen.
" "- When I'm not drinking iced tea "in an air-conditioned restaurant, "I'm praying to Hashem "to send me a man who will share with me his opinions on everything from Bob Dylan to Philip Roth.
" Ooh.
[Arthur panting.]
That was "The Braille Wishbone.
" [grunting.]
"The Morse Code Noose" combined with.
"Reach for the rest of the peanut butter" "under the life of the jar.
" Oh, really? No luck with "The Double-Handed Vulcan Salute"? Okay.
Drumroll please.
"The Other Becky From 'Roseanne.
'" Ah! I've got some disappointing news.
My entire doll collection committed suicide last night.
I'm sorry for your loss.
And since you started working with Lester, he's actually started forgetting things he used to know how to do.
So, I'm sorry, Arthur, but it's time to let Lester go.
He's just completely useless.
Or maybe the problem isn't Lester.
Maybe the software has changed! Give him one more chance! Not the right time, Arthur! Call me when you've found 45 dolls in an oven.
Uh, God damn it, Lester.
I don't need to watch you fumble around like Ronald Reagan in either term.
Okay, click on the file.
Click on the folder.
Okay? Try it.
Folder, fi no, stop! Just easier if I do it myself.
Hey J-Swipers.
Debbie, the Jewish girl that you matched with, she'll be down in a second.
She's just diffusing her hair.
I know how long diffusing takes.
Curly hair is a whole thing if you don't want frizz.
My sisters, they spend forever in the morning.
But I'm telling you, I've known her since camp, and she's worth the wait.
Oh, camp that was the happiest I was ever at.
All my friends come from summer camp.
I can't wait to meet her.
You know, Jordan and I used to do a Capella at Camp Ramah.
Nobody cares.
Save it for Debbie.
She loves that shit.
Really? I formed a Doo Wop Group with my friends from Project Birthright.
My Bar Mitzvah theme was a three-part harmony.
I started a Barbershop Quartet on the train here.
Was Lou Reed the last cool Jew? I am so glad that you reached out.
The first step of sobriety can be scary.
Yeah, I can see how it can be.
Excuse me? Can I please see the wine list? - Julie.
- Fine.
Four desserts.
And surprise me.
Julie, you were a wreck when you called me from Saks.
I mean, you've got to get a handle on these addictions.
I love this sponsor thing.
It's like having a friend who never talks about herself.
- [laughing.]
- A cheese plate doesn't count.
I'm gonna need a fifth.
Oh, no, no, leave it, please.
Thank you.
Nancy Reagan was an AIDS-ignoring monster.
Tell me something I don't know.
However, next time the bottle calls - I'll just say no.
- There you go.
Atta girl.
[phone buzzes.]
- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Hmm? It's the bottle calling.
My old drinking buddy.
You know what to do.
I am right here for you.
Okay.
- [phone continues buzzing.]
- Hi.
Julie, I need you to replace these energy-efficient lightbulbs with energy-wasting ones.
This economy lighting is aging me.
No.
- Excuse me? - JULIE: I said no.
I can't do it.
Good-bye.
What? I'm sorry.
Well, if I look sick, it's because of the call I just had with my daughter, or this bullshit Al Gore lighting.
Anyway, catch me up.
Thanks for the meditation app recommendation.
Danny Aiello wasn't exactly the guide Is it hot in here? Are you hot? Uh.
How good does that feel? What were we so afraid of? I don't know! I mean, I said no.
Big deal; What's the worst thing that could happen? [phone buzzes.]
[groans.]
- Yeah? - I I just called 911.
- Ow! - I think your mom is having a heart attack.
Ow! - You okay? - Yeah, I think I just learned what the worst thing that could happen is.
Mom! How did you get past the nurse? How could you tell her not to let me in? How did you give me a heart attack? I did not intend to give you a heart attack.
I was just trying to set some boundaries.
Please.
That's "Julie" for you doing what you like, when you like it, with no regard for what I need.
All I do is regard your needs.
It's making me unhealthy.
That's rich, Julie.
You're complaining about you being unhealthy when I'm in a hospital bed? All I did was tell you I couldn't come over and change all of your lightbulbs within an hour's notice.
Was it worth it, Julie? Was it worth it? Stop blaming me for this! MAN: Can you please keep it down? BOTH: Shut up, asshole! Before you meet Debbie, let's say a traditional blessing for first dates.
And five, six, seven, eight.
ALL: Dybbuk, dybbuk, dybbuk, get out of town RUCCHEL: Good! ALL: Dybbuk, Dybbuk, Dybbuk, don't come back around And counter-clockwise.
BOTH: Gey avek, dyvuk Put some feeling into it! Billy, get in there.
- No.
- Get in there, Billy! Get in there.
It won't work unless ten of you do it.
BOTH: Un ikh darf az du zolst gey [indistinct Yiddish.]
dybuk, di ale! Gey avek un kum nisht tsurik! We don't need you here, dybbuk.
Oh, no, not I.
[ululating.]
[ululating.]
Rid thee, demons! Flee from this home! Flee from this home! [ululating.]
Oh, my God! Chrissy, Lexington.
How are you? Thank you for coming.
A margarine casserole? That is so sweet of you.
[ululating.]
- Don't worry about that.
- [ululating.]
We're just Jews.
We're just like you.
We're not weird.
Daddy's home! Garry! Ask me about Israel.
Ask me about Israel! Get me out of here, Julie.
Who knows what they'd do to my bangs if I nodded off.
Here, let me.
Don't forget my eyebrows.
You know, I have in my will they can't bury me without doing my eyebrows.
You know that video will I made with Tina what's-her-name.
I'm still in shock.
I can't believe you almost died.
You know, sometimes I wonder if maybe that would be a relief for you.
Are you crazy? I can't imagine life without you.
I'd say you're a part of me, but sometimes I think you're most of me.
You can't leave, Mom.
I'd disappear.
Oh, sweetie.
I'm not going anywhere.
I can't imagine what life would be without me, either.
I'm sorry about the nurse.
Next time I have a crisis in the Saks dressing room, I think maybe I'll just send a selfie.
I'd like that.
You know what, I do think she was trying to sabotage you.
- I'm not that boxy.
- Nobody is.
- I'm exhausted.
- Me too.
What if we both just sit here and we're okay with doing absolutely nothing.
We won't even try to do nothing.
We'll just do nothing.
- Yes.
- Completely.
[sighs.]
[rock music.]
MAN: Ease your hand Call out your name - We did it.
- You did it.
Thank you for letting me.
I wonder what was different this time.
Uh, maybe if you're turned on enough, there is no specific code.
[phone buzzes.]
Oh, shit.
It's my sponsor.
Do you mind if a grab it? Pumpkin Seed, from now on, I don't mind if you grab it or if you let me.
As long as we're both satisfied during and after sex, I'm as happy as a Jewish girl in an air-conditioned restaurant.
- Hey, Vanessa.
VANESSA: Hey.
I was just wondering if you're gonna come to the meeting tonight.
Exactly, I'm using again.
I tried but, I don't think I'm ready to quit her.
So I just put a turban on her instead, and now my boyfriend can make me cum.
Okay, Julie.
You're obviously wasted.
If you need any help, you have my number.
Hi, I'm Vanessa.
I'm an alcoholic.
Get the hell out of my chair.
So was the army scary? Oh, it sure was.
You know, it's not so easy living in such damp conditions.
Eating crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
What a blessing.
Our dybbuk is gone, and our Garry is home.
Really great timing for two unrelated events.
Listen, I gotta go.
I will see you all at the next unpronounceable holiday.
GARRY: Billy? Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, I mean, um, thank you very much.
I salute you.
All right.
Bye, guys.
Billy Thank you.
Billy [mouthing.]
Thank you so much, Uncle Billy.
Shut the fuck up, Tal.
The first fucking time in your life you say thank you, and it has to be now? - I'm just sorry you - You don't even know what the fuck you're thanking him for.
All right, okay.
Hey, so is Debbie almost ready yet? [lively ska music.]
Hey! How's it going? Hello, everybody! Lookin' good.
Up top.
Yeah! Whoo! Lester, just the man I wanted to see.
You're fired.
Clean out your desk.
All right, Gabby.
Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.
I don't know how.
I don't know how.
Okay, PBS, baby! Yeah.
Making TV.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
These guys make the Rock Bottom Remainders look like well, no, they suck also.
We're also taking requests.
Oh, I'd like to retroactively request the night off.
No.
He's getting better.
Matthew, he is damn not.
This is a nightmare.
Oh, well, what if you took your baby back to the adoption agency, got rid of it? You know, put the focus back on Matthew? All right, listen up, Sheeple! I'm Lola, and I'm the newest member of Order's Up.
This is a real song you can find on YouTube, called "Building Seven.
" Three, four MAN: Oh! Thought it'd be easy Thought they didn't know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow