Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e03 Episode Script

You know, I've never been to one of these BMX bike competitions before, but I figured your stunts would be a little more complicated than what you're doing and that there'd be a bike.
No, Stan.
This is just me pacing beforehand.
I'm really nervous, man.
I mean, this competition is a big deal.
It's not some amateur hour.
It's a full two hours.
You've been training all year, Tyler.
I believe in you.
You're going to nail it.
You really think so? I have no idea.
I know nothing about this.
A minute ago, I thought the pacing was your competition.
Thank you.
And this is only my fourth best thing next to my hair, math, and identifying types of clouds.
Snowman.
Hey, Tyler.
Great riding, man! You're really cleanin' up at these amateur competitions.
Hey, Red.
Thanks so much, man.
It means a lot coming from a pro.
How'd you like to be a pro? Would we switch bodies or something, like in the movies? 'Cause I've just learned how to be comfortable in my own skin.
No, you'd join our pro BMX team.
We'd keep our bodies, dude.
The only catch is we start in spring so you'd have to drop out of school.
Oh, man, I don't think my parents are gonna go for that, unless I think of a really clever way to trick them into it.
Yeah, I'm not sure you're that clever, son.
Oh, I'm clever.
I'm just not good at hearing people sneak up behind me.
Too bad.
It's a skill I myself find very useful.
Tyler.
Ah! Tyler, why would you think that we'd ever let you quit school? Since when are you one of my parents? We speak with one voice.
We do? See? Come on, guys.
You're not even making sense.
People go to school so they can get their dream job.
You're making me go to school so I can lose my dream job.
I thought your dream job was to own your own food truck.
I can still do that someday.
BMX riders normally retire at 24 because they get so banged up, they I'm not helping my argument, am I? No, Tyler, there's no way you're dropping out of school.
After you graduate, then you can ride professionally.
But these spots don't open up that often.
It could be five years before someone else drops out, or gets so mangled, they I'm really not helping my argument, am I? Tyler, you're finishing school.
Case closed.
I wanted to say "case closed.
" I'm the one who watches the judge shows.
Go ahead.
Nope, too late.
You ruined it.
You know how to make it up to me.
All rise.
You're lucky, Stan.
You get to do what you want.
Yep, I nap, I lie in the sun, and I order meatball subs from Antonio's.
I'd also tell you about the poodle twins I'm dating, but that would be bragging.
Wow.
There is no part of your life that doesn't work.
Well, maybe that's 'cause I finished school.
Sure, it was obedience school, but I can sit, stay, and balance a snack on my nose.
I can only do two of those things.
Why am I too restless to stay? I do have it pretty great.
I can't think of how my life could get any better.
Hey, Antonio.
Just leave the meatball sub at the door like usual and charge it to my account.
That's Bennett James.
Sometimes I like to buy small things with Bennett's credit card.
Hey, Antonio, is there a hang glider-shaped package out there? Hey, Chloe.
What's up? I want to get a new haircut.
I made a picture on the Internet of how I want to look.
Say the right thing, Ellen.
Don't screw this up.
You want to look like a carnie? Dang it! I think what your mother was trying, but failing, to say is that we support whatever you choose.
No, I made that one for fun.
Oh, thank goodness, because you look like a carnie.
This is the one I want.
All the other girls are getting short haircuts and it looked so cute.
So can I? Please? Nope.
Yes.
Thanks, Mommy! No, no, wait.
I think your mother and I need to discuss this.
Okay, you two talk about it.
Mommy, convince him.
Do that thing he calls "emotional blackmail.
" I don't know what it is, but it always works.
Honey, I love her long, beautiful hair.
I don't want it to get cut.
Bennett, it's a lot of work for me to take care of.
Short hair would be so much easier.
You know what, it's my job so that's it.
Well, you seem very determined about this so I'm going to suggest that we finish this argument later when you're tired.
Good day.
He just left.
That's genius.
Tyler, you know, your shoes are on the wrong feet.
Why should my feet get to be happy when the rest of me is so sad? Oh, does that mean you're gonna cancel your 5:00 P.
M.
foot licking? 'Cause I'm still gonna have to charge you.
I've never had such a great opportunity to do something I love.
BMX is my dream.
What about the food truck? Why does everyone keep mentioning the stupid food truck? The food truck will always be there.
I just wish I didn't have to finish high school.
Too bad you're not a better student, or you could just test into the accelerated program and graduate early enough to join the BMX tour.
Yeah.
Wait, those words are making their way deeper into my brain.
I can test into an accelerated program that lets me graduate early.
Well, you can, in the sense that nobody is stopping you, but you can't in the sense that you? Laugh all you want.
We did.
We're pretty much done now.
I know I've never been a good student but that's 'cause I never had a reason to care.
You guys are gonna see what I'm capable of.
I'm gonna graduate early and follow my dream.
You won't regret it, Tyler.
I graduated from obedience school and now I have a giant house in Pasadena with five servants.
There's my apple-cheeked angel.
Interesting.
Let me cut my hair, and you can pinch my apple cheeks.
You know you want to.
Chloe, I'm gonna talk to your mother about this later and we will get back to you.
I'll sweeten the pot.
Honey, I just don't think you should cut your hair short because all the other girls are doing it.
If all the other girls jumped off a cliff, would you do that? Maybe, if it was over a chocolate river and all the rocks were fluffy cupcakes.
I wasn't expecting that answer.
Well, you should have been.
What if the rocks were not fluffy cupcakes but were just regular rocks? Then I'd be like, "Hey, you guys, there's rocks down there.
Let's go to my house and play.
" And they'd be like, "Yay, Chloe!" Okay.
How about this? Who is your favorite princess? Rapunzel and she has long hair.
You sly taco.
I took advantage of that website you found to see what you would look like with Rapunzel hair, and I was gonna show this to your mother but since you're here Oh, no.
Not that one.
That's a project Daddy's working on.
I look like a real princess.
Okay, I'm not cutting my hair.
Come here, let me give those apple cheeks a pinch.
Sorry, that was part of the short-hair package.
I can't study with you breathing down my neck.
I'm sorry, I just can't take my eyes off this.
Seeing you try to do schoolwork, it's like watching a silverback gorilla trying to figure out luggage.
Well, that's not fair, Avery.
Animals can do anything people can do.
Provided they rubbed a lamp like I did when that genie granted me the ability to talk.
What? Nah, I'm kidding.
I'm a regular talking dog.
And if I had a genie, I'd wish for something good, like a hang glider.
So when it comes, that's how I got it.
Not your dad's credit card.
I got it right? No, you just got it wrong in an unfunny way.
Mom and Dad already said that if I get into the accelerated program and graduate early, I can go on the BMX tour.
But if I don't pass the test, I have no shot at my dream.
So instead of making fun of me, Avery, maybe you could help me.
I'm sorry, Tyler.
I feel really bad.
What do you want me to do? Well, you know how these books are filled with all kinds of information? Yes.
Can you take it from there and put it in here? You mean, tutor you so that you pass the tests? I'd really like to help you, Tyler, but I've got a lot of work myself.
You're right.
You're right.
You could probably never get me to be a good student anyway.
I'm too big a challenge for you.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to tempt me into helping you by making it sound like a challenge.
And it's starting to work.
Making you a good student could be my greatest achievement.
This could be my legacy, my chance to win the Anne Sullivan Award for Difficult Tutoring.
I don't know who that is.
She tutored Helen Keller.
I don't know who that is.
All right, I'm ready to start learning.
Ellen, got the mail! Nothing but catalogs and the Who keeps chewing up the credit card bill? I can't even read this.
Seems like something Chloe would do.
What do you mean you talked to Chloe about it? You and I were supposed to talk about it first.
But Chloe was in my office and it just came up.
We'll finish this argument later.
Good day.
I did not do that properly, did I? Ellen, look how beautiful she is with long hair.
Bennett, what are you No, not not that one.
That's a project I'm working on.
Look, if you want her hair to stay long, you can take care of it from now on.
Fine, I will.
No, you will Wait, what? That was surprisingly easy.
I like her hair long, so it's worth it to me.
I mean, I'm fine with that.
Now can we please talk about who's been using my razor in the shower? We'll finish this argument later.
Good day.
That's my razor.
You're using my razor.
Oh.
Good day.
Well, Tyler, I scored your practice test and bad news, you got a 50.
Bad news? That's the difference between us.
You see the test as half wrong.
I see the test as half full.
One other difference between us.
I'm going to graduate high school.
Tyler, how did you get a 50? I got a 70.
How did you get a 70? I filled in the circles in the shape of a bone and got lucky.
These tests have a well-known canine bias.
If you want to pass the test to get into the accelerated program, you're going to have to learn everything in these packets.
No, no.
I don't like school.
I've never been good at school.
I can't do this.
It'll be okay.
We just need to find the way that you learn.
Or your lucky shape.
I am going to rise to the challenge and get through to you using all of the diligence and ingenuity that have made me the successful student I am.
I will not back down, I will not give in, and you will not fail.
Maybe yours is a hamburger.
And then, I saw a shawl on the floor and said, "Look, someone lost their shawl," and then Mason was all like, "No, I think a witch melted.
" What a mind.
Uh, sorry, sweets.
Looks like we lost another brush.
Well, your hair will just have to grow around them.
But I don't like my hair knotted.
Well, we all have to deal with things we don't like.
I don't like that extra scene after the end credits in movies.
I have to pee.
Chloe, why is there a turtle in your hair? Because it's safe and warm, and Snappy likes to eat the lettuce I keep in there.
What? What? And why did you name him Snappy? Because Aah! Oh, this is a nightmare, honey.
How does your mommy even do this? She doesn't mess with Snappy, that's for sure.
You are gonna look so pretty when I'm done.
I'm going out on a limb here, but is it possible you miss doing this with Chloe? I miss doing this with Chloe.
It was our mommy-daughter time.
Ah, and that 70% was just luck, huh? I know what you're thinking, Stan.
"Well, now, Ellen, you're the one who told Bennett to do her hair.
" That's how you think I talk? First of all, I have a Chicago accent with a little surfer dude mixed in.
"Why don't y'all just go tell him how you feel, eh?" Okay, now what was that? I heard Alabama, I heard Canada, you're all over the map! "Sorry this is so rough on you.
Get it? Ruff.
Good one, Stan.
" I have never been this close to talking to you or felt this pretty.
Okay, you're great at BMX.
So I'm going to recreate the conditions of learning bike tricks, only instead of bike tricks, you'll be learning landmark Supreme Court cases.
Instead of bike pads, should I be wearing legal pads? Class clown.
Okay, feel the wind in your face.
Pedal.
Pedal.
What decision established the right to an attorney? I don't know.
Well, do you know if you're riding your bike through the woods? Oh, there's a crow.
Caw! Caw! I don't ride my bike through the woods, so stop throwing dirt at me.
Fine.
What decision established the right to an attorney? Ribbit.
Ribbit.
You saw my BMX competition.
There were no frogs there.
I was mostly texting my friends.
Moo.
Moo.
Moo.
Stop making animal noises.
Come on, what decision established the right to an attorney? Gideon versus Stop throwing things at me and get my bike off this thing.
You're not making learning fun, you're making riding bikes in the house awful.
Whoa! Really? It's common knowledge that hang gliders have the right of way in the backyard! Gideon v.
Wainwright! I know you may be beginning to question my methods.
And your sanity.
But I've given this a lot more thought, and I realized what you love about BMX is that it's fun.
You can forget it.
You lost my trust, Avery.
I'm not doing it.
It involves you Nope.
Learning about Supreme Court cases No way.
By playing your favorite TV game show, Whoopsy! You can forget Whoopsy! So I've set up the family room to replicate all of the obstacles that you find on Whoopsy.
This is just a bunch of junk from the garage.
But it can magically transform using the power Don't say imagination.
of imagin make-believe.
Well, that's totally different, let's do this! All right, at each obstacle, you're not allowed to move on until you answer the question correctly.
Begin with the Pit of Sensitive Skin Shaving Cream.
I know saying "sensitive skin" makes it less scary but I didn't want you to worry about your sensitive skin.
And begin! The Supreme Court case that established the right of Congress to pass laws that are necessary and proper.
Gibbons v.
Ogden.
Wrong.
Blondes versus Brunettes? That's wrong on several counts.
Lochner v.
New York.
States can't interfere with an employee's right to contract with an employer.
Correct.
Next challenge.
Hey, I didn't get to bash him.
You said I'd get to bash him.
Okay, okay, stop that.
This isn't Whoopsy! This is like one of those cheap knock-offs of Whoopsy, like Whoopso or Oopsy or Whaaat? Hold your horses, you don't like Whaaat? Next, you'll tell me you don't like Hold Your Horses.
Whoa.
Whoopsy.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, good.
I need to talk to you, too.
I miss doing Chloe's hair.
I miss touching it, and I miss talking to her.
I spent a half an hour grooming Stan but he's just not a very good conversationalist.
"I'm just a big, dumb dog from Delaware.
" Delaware? Where are you even getting that from? That's it, tonight, I'm sleeping on your face.
Honey, I am so relieved to hear that.
Her hair's gonna haunt my dreams.
There are things in there, Ellen.
Angry, bite-y things.
Well, it's for the best 'cause you were really not very good at it.
My teacher said to tell you to expect a home visit.
Sweetie, how would you like Mommy to go back to doing your hair? More than anything.
I mean, nothing personal, Daddy, but I look like a cherry tumbleweed.
I look like a frightened clown.
I look like an Irish setter in a wind storm.
I look like a troll doll that went through the dryer.
I get it, Chloe.
You look like a red cat's hairball.
Dad, that's offensive.
And this wasn't working for Snappy either.
He moved out of my hair and I can't find him anywhere.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I'm sure he'll turn up.
Avery, I'm in so much pain from everything you did today, ow, to help me study for, ow, my tests.
But it didn't work.
I give up.
Oh, pork and beans, this hurts.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know where I went wrong.
Don't blame sweet potato fries yourself.
Look, I have to go practice some bike stunts.
Even if I don't go on the tour, maybe someday I'll get another shot.
How are you gonna practice bike stunts? You're in so much pain.
We have to work through the pain.
BMX isn't always fun, Avery.
It's a lot of hard work but it's worth it.
Of course.
I was trying to find a substitute for the hard work you need to be a great student.
But there isn't one.
You just have to do the work.
Whoa, so was causing me all this pain all part of your trick to teach me this lesson? Yeah.
Of course.
What else could it be? The act of a 14-year-old trying to invent an educational model that never occurred to educational professionals over thousands of years? Look, if you want to learn, it won't be easy or fun, but your reward is that you'll get to pursue your dream.
I'm gonna do it, Avery.
I'm gonna work my butt off and make this happen.
I'm proud of you, Tyler.
Oh, chicken chow mein! Everyone learned a lot this week.
Bennett learned that no one wants a calendar of the twelve hairstyles of Bennett James.
Hopefully, Ellen learned something about what happens when you inaccurately imitate a talking dog.
And as for Tyler Avery, I didn't pass.
What? Just kidding.
I passed.
Class clown.
So you passed? Yes.
I did it.
I did it.
But, you know, this is just the beginning now that you're in the accelerated program.
Wait, I thought the test was the accelerated program.
I thought I graduated.
No, you're gonna have to work hard for the rest of the semester to get through it.
No! Hang glide, check.