Doom Patrol (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

1
I mean, if one ignores the
fact that we appear to be dead,
it's almost peaceful.
Are we seriously fucking dead?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding
me? We're not fucking dead.
Sure, we're just crossing
the river. It's all good.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want
me to tell you you were right?
That the big green guy
with the death ray was bad?
- Yeah.
- Fine. You win, blue balls.
This is horseshit. Dead or not
dead, we're busting outta here.
- We're not busting out of here.
- Shut it, sack.
Listen up, we bum rush the Jawa,
we get the hell out of Dodge.
Fuck, yes.
Question.
Is anybody else starting
to feel a little freaky?
Yeah.
What is that?
Smells like eggs?
Hello?
What's going on?
Huh
Guys?
Hey, you're back
Ugh. Crap. Oh
Yarn?
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Are you happy now? Huh?
If you were here, I
could be yelling at you!
But you left me here all alone!
And now I lost the best
friends I've ever had!
I wasn't even supposed to be here!
I did this.
That dumb resort was my idea.
Niles handed me my destiny.
He literally gave me a key to
my destiny and what did I do?
I went on vacation.
Cliff.
Cliff.
You never love me anymore ♪
How we doing today?
Are you shitting me?
Dad?
Who?
It's me. Cliff. Your son.
- Cliffie?
- Yup.
Christ on a bike.
Life's taken a turn
since I saw you last, huh?
Sure. Is this heaven?
Well, up until about 30 seconds
ago, I would've sworn it was.
What the hell happened to you anyway?
Actually, since you're asking,
sort of became a minor
superhero since you last saw me.
Uh-huh.
Didn't think it would've
been Garguax The Decimator's
alien death ray that finally
got me, but here we are.
Alien death ray, huh?
Yup.
Well, whatever cranks your tractor, son.
Told you to watch your footing, son.
Mom?
Come on, Victor, we don't have all day.
Wait, Mom. Hold up!
Come.
Hooray! Dorothy's home. Yes.
How was the burial? Was it amazing?
Um, my father's burial? It was fine.
Awesome. I have some news,
actually, some not-so-great news.
But not to worry because I have a plan.
What news?
What is this?
No, no, no, no, no.
Now, the real bitch was Cliff
'cause he came in a few pieces,
but it's nothing a welding
torch couldn't handle.
But the bandages? Lifesaver.
They'll preserve the bodies
until the ground has thawed.
Cinco de Mayo burial.
- Um
- Hold on.
Hmm
Right? Right, that's so Jane.
So Jane.
- Larry?
- What?
Why did you arrange our dead
friends at the dining room table?
Because leaving them jammed in the
shipping boxes was weird and morbid.
Seriously, Dorothy.
And they don't look
weird and morbid now?
Actually, seeing this through
fresh eyes, I can see your point.
Oh, God.
Larry, it's okay.
- How about I make us some pancakes?
- Okay.
Here, let me help.
Help!
Help! Help!
- Whoa!
- Oh!
What happened?
Rita! I saw Rita's face in the batter.
Her face was in the pancake
batter, I swear to God.
I mean, what if she's
stuck in purgatory?
I saw her, Dorothy.
You have to believe me.
What if she's not dead?
We need help.
I think Crystal should wait outside.
First off, it's bullshit
when you talk about me
like I'm not standing right here, Edwin.
Come on, mate, you know
she doesn't like it.
You're doing it, too.
I know you guys have
this, "Oh, we're dead,
- and we've been best ghost friends for 30 years "
- Like 40 years.
Whatever the fuck, Charles.
I'm a part of the detective
agency now, so don't leave me out.
You're the part of the
agency that can still die.
Do you want to die?
'Cause this is dangerous.
If we simply killed her, this
wouldn't be an issue anymore.
Say that again. I dare you.
Struck a nerve, did I?
That is an ambulance.
- A keen observation, Crystal.
- Shut up, Edwin.
Hold up a tick. I think
I know this ambulance.
Danny, is that you?
You know an ambulance?
Used to be a street, didn't they?
They want us to go with them.
We should go, Danny's aces.
We're in the middle of a case.
He'll totally still be
there when we get back.
Thanks, Danny.
Hi. Nice mansion.
- Wow. Look at these two.
- Dear lord.
Ugh, can smell bandages
from here, can't I?
Uh, we can hear you.
Oh, no.
Wait, who?
You can hear the boys?
Don't be dotty, of course we can.
You're ghosts, and you're
standing right in front of us.
Now, Danny recommended you.
You are the Dead Boy Detective Agency?
That we are.
Here to solve any and all
super supernatural mysteries.
Hauntings, curses, otherworldly
creatures, anything strange, really.
We're selectively here
to solve mysteries.
How old is this house?
Old. And it's a perfectly lovely house.
Now, how much do you
charge for your services?
Uh, well, we have to eat, you know?
Or I have to eat, they don't eat.
Okay. Um, this has been super fun,
but you can leave now.
No, stay. And you'll be paid fairly.
But no funny business.
Deal?
Why would you do this?
I don't know. Comfort?
Hey, Jesus, isn't it clear
that I'm not doing okay?
These kids are Danny's big idea?
You lot sent the magical
ambulance to get us, right?
Okay, listen, if you two are
ghosts, so why can I see you?
People who have been close to
death or extreme horrors can see us.
Uh-huh. Copy that.
Okay, let's get down to business.
To contact your friends,
we'll need a personal item.
And we'll need a person
to be the conduit.
You're a psychic. Can't you do it?
Sorry, I don't let
spirits inside me anymore.
It can go sideways.
- She has damage.
- Shut it, Edwin.
Anyway
it should be someone
with a strong connection
to whoever we're trying to reach.
Oh, Larry saw Rita in the
pancake batter this morning.
Or, you know, I'm
hallucinating from grief.
So you're a very sad mummy then, yeah?
If Rita is reaching out,
she might still be conscious.
That means bandages here is the conduit.
So, this is your afterlife?
You drink beer, hunt?
Of course you do.
Actually, I call it my happy place.
Have a look.
Whoa.
The hell you do that for?
You're gonna love it.
Tastes just like chicken.
That horse-winged thing was
beautiful and you just
You just destroyed it
like everything else in your
life, you son of a bitch.
Hell, I know you tried your
ever fucking best to screw me up.
Make me a bad father, a bad
husband, but guess what, asshole?
It didn't work. You couldn't
destroy me because in the end,
I knew my daughter. I knew my grandson,
and you know what? They knew me.
My sweet Clara had a boy, huh?
Oh, you mean my sweet
Clara? What do you care?
Hot damn.
What do you mean, your sweet Clara?
There's no such thing
as your sweet Clara!
Hey!
I know you're reeling,
Victor. It's a lot.
You wanna talk about it?
After the accident
after we lost you,
Dad saved my life.
He and S.T.A.R. Labs
gave me the name Cyborg
and, I don't know,
I've sort of been a
superhero ever since.
Trying to anyway.
That sounds like something
your father would do.
Mom
I am so sorry. I didn't mean
No, no. Do not blame yourself
for a single solitary thing.
Do you hear me?
Look at this.
I am out here every day
hiking amongst all this beauty.
I'm living my best life
here and now, Victor.
Okay.
I never heard you talk about
hiking a day in your life.
Uh, I beg your pardon.
Your father and I hiked
- and rock climbed, too
- Okay, now, hold up. When?
Long before you came along, chump.
I met somebody.
Now, this is what I'm here for.
Name?
Roni. She's cool, Mom.
She's real.
She just opened my eyes,
but she's got a lot of pain.
And she's done some real bad things.
And I know I'm supposed to be this hero,
but I just had to give
her another chance.
That was the only thing that felt right.
No matter the risk.
Of course, Dad says
Victor, I could give a rat's
ass what your father said.
Maybe he chose to turn you into
some sort of cybernetic weapon,
but as your mother who was
half responsible for this,
I'm proud to see the
sensitive, thinking,
compassionate man I
raised is alive and well.
Now take this and come on.
We're almost there.
These are all Rita's?
If we're trying to
reach one of our friends,
we're trying them all.
Okay, you're the
medium. What do they do?
Edwin has an extensive working knowledge
of dead creatures that
might try to slip into Larry.
Charles has a stockpile of weapons,
costumes, generally upsetting shit.
Okay, what's that for?
It's a baseball bat.
'Cause we're in the States.
Mind your business.
Oh, God.
Boys. Turnip!
All of your sex ghosts
have the same safe word.
Just FYI.
They need a cabinet particulier.
It's a private room for romantic trysts.
Honestly, it's a perfectly
commonplace phrase when I was alive.
Wait, I've got something.
But if this is Rita, I'm sensing
it's like she's here
and on the other side.
What does that mean?
It's not like a normal thing,
so I don't exactly know, but
Larry, call out to Rita.
- Rita? Rita, can you hear me?
- Larry?
Larry, we're trapped in
It feels like hell.
- I think it's
hell. - It's not hell.
Trust me.
- Who was that? -
Rita, it's Dorothy. Hello.
You said you were with the others?
We're under some kind of
black tunnel, with lights that pass by.
Sounds like the tunnel of souls.
They're still being processed.
So they're not gone? Do
you know what they are?
Technically.
Don't worry, Rita. We're going to
come and get you. You'll be okay.
Right, that is not the plan.
Wait! You don't have to fight.
Well, we did what we'd said we
do, and we'll email you an invoice.
If you wanna go to the
afterlife, do it yourselves.
Wait, wait.
Wait. We don't know how.
Please.
I lost my mom and then my dad.
I can't lose my friends,
too. They're all I have.
You lost
This isn't our problem anymore.
Crystal.
Look, imagine what it's like
to know there might be a
way to get your family back.
But you can't do it without help.
Right, we going?
I think maybe we should help.
Oh, fuck right off. You
know Death is looking for us.
Parading around in the afterlife
seems like a keen way
to get her attention.
Crossing over is a big ask.
We don't usually go in for
that sort of thing, Crystal,
- and you know it.
- Whoa. Hold up, hold up.
There's an actual Death?
Like an actual capital "D" death
that is looking for you specifically?
- Mind your business.
- This is what I'm talking about.
Yes, it's different and whatever, scary.
And yes, it is riskier for
you two than it is for me.
But Edwin, no one knows
the afterlife like you.
And Charles will protect you.
- I don't need Charles to protect me.
- I'd do it anyway, won't I?
You say you started this
agency to help people,
to have a purpose with all
this time on your hands.
You want to be like those
guys from the detective novels.
Okay, I vote we help.
I also vote we help.
- What?
- Sorry.
- I vote you help, too.
- You don't get a vote.
Fine.
But if we get caught, you'll
feel absolutely gutted, Crystal.
There he is. There's a brave lad.
Okay, Larry. We'll go with you.
Your connection to Rita will be
a bit of a flashlight in the dark.
No, no. See 'Cause I'm alive.
And if I'm alive, then
how could I go with you?
Love this.
You're going to astral project.
So your soul will leave your body.
Oh, just like the negative spirit.
Not like that.
Sorry, never mind.
Here. Take this.
Concentrate. What do you see?
Oh, it's a space shuttle. Yeah. Like
Oh! Ow! Fuck!
God! What the
What What did you just Look, look.
Wha Look at me.
Right. We enter here.
Stay close to us.
Edwin has a proper knowledge of
how things work over on this side.
We'll keep an eye on things here.
Uh, this is not what I expected
the afterlife to look like.
This isn't the afterlife.
It's more like a road to the afterlife.
It's a road to a lot of places.
Edwin's been dead since 1916,
so he spent a lot of time here.
That bat is in case we see Death?
Okay, I get that you're
doing the very adult thing
of using humor to hide anxiety,
but you're a tourist here, right?
Death is no joke.
Death's quite nice, actually.
And she is super fit.
It's the things that work for
her you have to worry about.
There's no way my daughter
reconciled with a shitheel like you.
How about a shitheel like you?
Not the same.
Well, you believe
what you want, Cliffie.
The fact is, you
decapitating yourself and Kate
kicked off a long and
fruitful relationship.
Bullshit.
Honestly, the whole love-in with Clara
almost made me wanna do a
do-over with you and your mom.
Really? Okay.
Since we're stuck
together for all eternity,
you want a do-over, let's do a do-over.
I'll start. Fuck you!
I'm afraid that's not
how it works here, son.
I'm just a welcoming committee.
Your forever is that way.
Good. If it means forever getting
away from your ass, sign me up.
That's it?
Yes, sir.
Um, wh When I mentioned
my parents earlier,
- your face was
- What about it?
Oh, nothing. It just
looked like maybe
Look, I'm playing this
game to distract myself
from the fact I just sent my
best friends into, like, danger.
If you have a question, just ask.
Are your parents dead, too?
Whoa.
Whoa.
My slot car?
What're you doing here, little buddy?
Wait, that's Cliff.
Does that mean Cliff can hear us?
It's not an exact science,
but I think it means
he's not fully dead yet.
Really?
Maybe we can reach them all.
Whoa! Wait!
Uh What the fuck?
Okay. This tree is terrifying.
Must be where we're headed.
Now we enter the afterlife.
But the price to open
the door is pain.
You, uh, you don't have to do that,
Edwin. We can find another way in.
I've got some pain.
I I can afford to spare some pain
to open the door, or
whatever. I'll do it.
That's nice of you.
It's just
You see that lever?
That's my pain.
I have to pull it.
Charles never officially
crossed over when he died,
and you're not actually dead.
I'm the only one this place knows.
I'll get to it.
I'd be a right shit
detective if I didn't.
Hold this, please.
All right.
Oh, yeah. Let's get to it.
Hmm
What the fuck?
I was supposed to go to my afterlife.
Same.
The Watchers. They mind the tunnel.
Keep the souls in place.
Right, just we'll want to avoid them.
He's afraid of water.
- Why?
- It's private.
You're nosy, right?
I'll make sure he's fine.
I'm not scared.
Just You know.
We know.
All right, just so we're clear.
I was saying to Charles earlier,
it seems like you like
each other a lot.
- Like, maybe you have feelings that
- He's my mate.
Don't be crass, all right?
Even if I did, it
it wouldn't be normal. It wouldn't
be normal, so why talk about it?
Sorry. I just, uh
I used to think that.
But it is normal. Now.
I mean, it's not 1916, you know?
Right. Well, I'm not like you.
But thanks for the concern.
Um, is he about to freak out?
I'm brilliant. Thanks.
Died of hypothermia in a lake.
But anything for a case. Right?
That river can sod off.
There's a lad. No worries at all.
Um, if this is the part
where I'm a flashlight,
why isn't it glowing?
That's just a prop Crystal gave you
to make you feel more comfortable.
- She's slick like that.
- She's good.
You'll just feel her.
In theory.
- In theory?
- Fuck it if we know, mate.
Hope you weren't counting
on us for this part.
Right. So are we doing this or
You, uh You got that stone?
Yeah.
Your father and I used
to have this ritual that
every time we would come up here,
I would put a rock under this
tree and he would call me crazy.
Did he have a point?
Maybe. But I got a tree full of rocks.
That's your path, son.
My what?
Your afterlife.
Okay, Victor. I'm doing
my best not to cry here.
So could you do us both a favor
and get your butt over there?
What did you mean when you said
Dad chose to make me into a weapon?
He said he had no choice at all,
that this was the only way to save me.
Victor, when you walk down that path,
anything that happens
from here is your choice.
- Focus on that.
- Mom.
Your father chose to make you a hero.
Was that so wrong?
What's this?
Oh, it's nothing.
I I was trying to
- It's stupid.
- Trying to contact someone else?
My dad and I used to watch Willy
Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
every time he'd visit me.
You could have just told me.
- Well, you're a bit intense.
- Yeah.
And I haven't spent a lot of
time around other teenage girls.
So, I suppose I was nervous.
All right. Let's cut the
shit and just be cool girls.
My only friends in the
world are two dead boys,
and I'm worried about them,
but, like, only, like,
a little bit worried.
I mean, they can handle themselves.
But, like, it's good
that we have each other.
Yeah. How, how did you meet them?
I wouldn't know where
to begin with boys.
A demon named David
possessed me for over a year.
I did terrible things.
Edwin and Charles, were the ones
who finally evicted him from my body.
That's how we met.
They're brave, aren't they?
I mean, they've been doing
this for, like, decades.
So, yeah, I guess they are brave.
But Dorothy, we're all just
a bunch of fucked up kids
trying to hold shit together
by playing detectives.
- We've all got baggage.
- Like, with David the demon?
Yeah.
David took some things
from me on his way out.
All of the memories of my parents.
Anything that would help
me know them or find them.
So my mission is to find David,
fuck him up and get those memories back.
Wow. That's a lot.
People say that it's better to move on.
They'll say that to
you about your dad, too,
and, um, it's wise advice.
But screw those people.
Don't sit in this big house feeling sad.
Find a way to reach your
dad if you think you can.
Dorothy, we both know
there's all kinds of
crazy shit in this
world that can happen.
Yeah.
Growing up with goals is important.
For me, having a personal
vendetta is, like, really healthy.
Where's Rita?
Unclear. Maybe she escaped.
So what the hell are we waiting for?
Maybe she escaped?
Maybe something worse.
Who fucking cares?
We're getting the fuck out of
here. We're gonna live again.
And I'm gonna be the best fucking
grandfather the world ever saw,
so I can fuck my father in the
forehead forever for thinking
he could out-grandpappy
Cliff fucking Steele.
Are you shitting me?
Rita?
Larry?
Rita?
- Rita?
- Larry.
I got you.
Now that's a proper hug.
- Who?
- I'll tell you later.
Steady now. We're in for it.
- Watchers?
- Watch What do we do?
I'm sorry. Is that supposed to
It's the States, it's an American
afterlife, I'm using the bat.
Okay.
Oh, thank God.
Larry? Shouldn't you be
on Jupiter or some shit?
You know, funny, it's not actually me.
It's an astral projection.
I actually don't care.
- Yep, yep.
- Okay.
Time to taxidermy this
turkey. Which way's home?
Yeah, I'm thinking you
shouldn't have done that.
Who brought judgy Harry Potter?
Who's that lady?
- That's no lady.
- She works for Death, and she's not here for you.
Well, look at this.
Oh, you naughty boys.
I'm so glad you've come to your senses.
Charles. Edwin.
Almost bed checks, so come along.
Why don't you back the fuck up, girl,
before you get a boot up your ass.
No, no, no, no. That's so
not how any of this works.
Not letting her anywhere
near you, Edwin. You got that?
Did you find a wee toy?
I've got quite a collection in my bag.
It's kinda my thing, innit?
What the fuck?
Charles. That stung.
Good for you.
Oh, shit.
We didn't come back here to stay.
We've got too many
people who need our help,
and you can't make us.
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
So you can take your
bed check and fuck off.
All of you, go!
Mindy.
You don't remember me.
It's okay.
Never let them see you sweat.
Get out of here.
She can do whatever
she bleeding wants to.
We need to get to the river. Now.
Fuck that. We fucked up those freaks
with the glow-in-the-dark
testicle thingies,
we'll fuck up that
face-like-a-spider woman, too!
Go!
- Who is that guy?
- I have no idea.
Uh-oh.
Spin on this, weird spider-face lady!
What the fuck?
It's just vomit.
Look.
You know, in all the
afterlife excitement,
I never asked you about space.
Surprised you're back so soon.
Yeah, so am I.
Let's just say it was an experience.
But I'm back.
Minus a passenger.
Oh, Larry.
Are you okay?
I will be.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, who was that guy that
tried to save us in the afterlife?
An old friend?
- Not a clue.
- Huh.
Maybe he had the wrong Rita.
Maybe.
Your dad shot a pegasus?
That's like,
worse than shooting a unicorn
by magnitudes of billions.
I think I need help.
I'm gonna make it out of here.
With the living.
Me too.
- I didn't ask
- Eat.
We all need our strength.
Everybody, I have an announcement.
I'm truly glad you're all safe,
and you're the closest thing to
a family I've ever really had
But she's leaving.
Losers.
They're right. I am.
But just for a while.
I need to find a few things.
Well, um, we hope you find
what you're looking for.
That was patently for all of us.
Subtlety is really not your strong suit.
What, are you and goggles pals now?
Guess you're a lot alike, really.
All severe and moody and pessimistic.
Maybe we are. Bugger off, Charles.
Have fun, you kids.
Don't worry about us. We're great.
Um, who in the sweet
mercy of fuck are you?
Hmm, good question.
Now, who would like some tea?