Doug (1991) s03e03 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Break out the sunscreen, folks.
Mr. Sunbeam will be smiling
all day long.
Sun-eroonee!
Sun-errific!
Sun-tastic!
[ thunder]
OH, MAN.
IT'S REALLY COMING DOWN.
MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TV
SAID IT WOULD BE SUNNY ALL DAY.
YEAH, THAT WACKY
WEATHERMAN GUY IS A PAIN.
NOTHING TO DO
BUT READ THESE COMIC BOOKS.
NAH, WE ALREADY
HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
HOW ABOUT WE
DRAW OUR OWN
COMIC BOOK?
COOL! WHO WILL BE THE BAD GUY?
HM, LET'S SEE.
WE NEED SOMEONE
HEINOUSLY EVIL
COMPLETELY
UNTRUSTWORTHY.
AHA!
Skeeter:
HIGH ABOVE BLUFFINGTON
Doug:
FAILED COMEDIAN AND VILLAIN
WACKY WEATHERMAN
PLOTS TO TURN THE WEATHER
INTO A CRUEL COMEDY ROUTINE.
85 DEGREES AND SUNNY?
I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE?
WAIT, 150 DEGREES
AND SIX FEET OF SNOW.
THEY'LL FRY AND FREEZE
AT THE SAME TIME.
NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
[ sinister laughter]
Doug:
ONLY ONE PERSON CAN STOP
THIS MAD METEOROLOGIST--
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
QUAILMAN!
SILVER SKEETER!
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
I WANTED TO DO A COMIC BOOK
ABOUT QUAILMAN
BUT SKEETER HAD HIS OWN IDEA
FOR A SUPERHERO.
HE'S CALLED SILVER SKEETER
FROM PLANE
[ clucks, pops, gurgles].
HE'S MADE
OF LIQUID TITANIUM
AND HE FLIES
BY COSMIC SKATEBOARD
AND HE'S SUPER STRONG.
HE'S TOO POWERFUL.
HE'S BORING.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN BORING?
HE'S LIQUID METAL.
OKAY, YOU DRAW
SILVER SKEETER
AND I'LL
DRAW QUAILMAN.
THEY'LL BE A TEAM.
Skeeter:
COOL, MAN,
ULTRABUDDIES.
OKAY, SO AS
OUR STORY BEGINS
Skeeter:
QUAILMAN AND SILVER SKEETER
FLY TO EARTH FOR A BALL GAME.
OKAY, SILVER SKEET,
TRY TO HIT THIS ONE.
[ crack]
KABLAMMO!
LOVE THESE
TITANIUM BATS.
IS IT STARTING TO SNOW?
YOU ALWAYS HAVE
AN EXCUSE TO QUI
AS SOON AS I START WINNING.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S WACKY
WEATHERMAN!
IT'S WACKY
WEATHERMAN!
SO HOW DO THEY
STOP THE BLIZZARD?
QUAILMAN WOULD
CLEVERLY EXPLOI
WACKY WEATHERMAN'S
PSYCHOLOGICAL WEAKNESS.
NAH, THAT'S BORING.
SILVER SKEETER COULD USE
HIS MASSIVE METALLIC LUNGS
TO BLOW AWAY ALL THE SNOW.
Doug:
HIS WHAT?
SINCE WHEN DOES HE HAVE
MASSIVE METALLIC LUNGS?
SINCE ALWAYS.
HERE, LOOK.
Skeeter:
Q-MAN, I'M GOING TO BLOW
THESE SNOW CLOUDS AWAY.
SILVER SKEETER!
WHOA!
Doug:
ISN'T THAT TOO EASY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LET'S SAY,
WHEN BLOWING
SILVER SKEETER
CREATES A
HURRICANE.
[ screaming]
IT'S A HURRICANE!
HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
MAYORS AND CHILDREN FIRST!
Wacky Weatherman:
A HORRENDOUS HURRICANE
ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY.
I LOVE IT.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT ONE.
SILVER SKEETER'S WORSE
THAN I AM.
HE'S CRAZY!
Skeeter:
SO HE CAUSES A HURRICANE.
SILVER SKEETER CAN HANDLE THAT.
HE'D USE HIS LIQUID
METAL STRETCHINESS
TO TURN INTO A GIANT WINDSCREEN.
Mayor White:
THE WIND'S DIED DOWN.
SILVER SKEETER HAS
SAVED THE DAY.
WHERE'S MY HAIR?
Doug:
SKEET, METAL REFLECTS.
IF SILVER SKEETER COVERED
A SUNNY SKY
HE'D FRY HALF OF BLUFFINGTON.
MY GRACIOUS, I'M FRYING!
OH, THE SUN!
THE SUN!
THIS IS GREAT!
SAY, TIPPY,
HOW ABOUT BASTING MY BACK?
NO WAY!
HE'S TOO POWERFUL.
HE CAN JUST DO
ANYTHINGHE WANTS?
MAYBE HE SHOULDN'
HAVE ANY POWERS
LIKE QUAILMAN.
AT LEAST QUAILMAN
HAS INTELLIGENCE
UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.
OH, YEAH?
SO HOW WOULD HE STOP
WACKY WEATHERMAN?
GIVE A LITTLE
POP QUIZ?
NO, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT QUAILMAN WOULD DO.
WE DON'T NEED A BUNCH
OF SHOW-OFFY SUPERPOWERS
JUST INTELLIGENCE
AND PLANNING.
THAT MEANS THERE'S
ONE PLACE TO GO--
THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
QUIZ HIM ON
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?
Doug:
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
HURRICANES AND TYPHOONS
IS THAT HURRICANES
SPIN CLOCKWISE
YOU HAVE A BEL
ON YOUR HEAD.
THIS IS GREAT.
I COULD BE VAPORIZING
THE GALAXY
WITH MY LASER VISION,
AND INSTEAD
EXCUSE ME,
MR. ULTRAPOWERFUL
SUPERHERO.
WHY DON'T YOU
USE YOUR POWERS
TO TIME-TRAVEL
INTO THE FUTURE?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
UH-OH, LOOK.
Wacky Weatherman:
KILLER EARTHQUAKE,
ICE CREAM FACTORY, 4:00 P.M.
HOPE YOU LIKE SHAKES.
THAT'S IN A HALF-HOUR.
LET'S SWING
INTO ACTION, QUAILMAN.
WHAT ACTION?
ZAPPING SOMEBODY
OR SOMETHING.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE
A PLAN OF ATTACK.
DOUG, YOU'RE
PUTTING ME TO SLEEP.
THEY'RE JUS
TALKING.
AND YOU'D LIKE THEM
OUT THERE BLASTING
GIAN
HYPERSPACE
SLUGS.
YEAH, COOL.
SKEETER, THAT'S
TOTALLY SENSELESS.
HURRICANES SPIN CLOCKWISE
WHEREAS [ snores]
SILVER SKEETER'S A BIG LOSER.
JUST ANOTHER
MUSCLE-BRAINED SUPERHERO.
QUAILMAN IS
A SNOOZE JOB.
HE'S NOT EVEN
A SUPERHERO.
[ growling]
I'LL SHOW HIM.
HE THINKS HE'S SO COOL.
DOUG'S A CLOWN.
QUAILMAN
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE HOMEWORK
WE HAD LAST NIGHT.
I'LL SHOW HIM.
IT'S SO UNCOOL,
THAT QUAILMAN KINGDOM.
YEAH, SILVER SKEETER, NOWHERE.
HUH?
ARE YOU
AND SKEETER
FIGHTING?
SKEETER WHO?
DOUG!
WE WERE DRAWING
THIS COMIC BOOK
AND SKEETER KEP
HAVING THESE DUMB IDEAS.
OH, WOW,
A COMIC BOOK!
CAN I SEE IT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.
IT'S REALLY
NOT VERY GOOD.
IT'S BORING
AND THE DRAWING'S
PRETTY SKETCHY.
All:
WOW!
THIS IS
THE BEST PART.
QUAILMAN HEADS FOR
THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.
All:
WOW!
QUAILMAN, HUH?
HE LOOKS MORE LIKE
FUNNIE WITH A BEL
ON HIS HEAD
AND NO
SUPERPOWERS.
HE'S ABOUT AS SUPER
AS A PAIR OF OLD SOCKS.
I WAS JUST, UM
WELL, QUAILMAN IS
QUAIAN I'T LIKE
OTHER SUPERHEROES.
HE MAY NOT BE SUPER MUSCLY
BUT HE'S SMART,
HE PLANS AHEAD
AND HE HAS SUPER
RESEARCH SKILLS.
QUAILMAN IS THE OPPOSITE
OF MOST SUPERHEROES.
SILVER SKEETER IS MORE
LIKE A REGULAR SUPERHERO.
SEE, HE'S FROM THE PLANE
[ clucks, pops, gurgles].
All:
WOW!
SILVER SKEETER!
[ snickers]
VALENTINE THINKS
HE'S A SUPERHERO
FROM PLANE
[ gurgles] GOOFBALL.
DID YOUR MOMMY TELL YOU
SHE FOUND YOU
IN A SPACE CAPSULE?
NOT EXACTLY.
ROGER!
A SUPERHERO?
IT KILLS ME.
WHAT'S YOUR SUPER POWER,
VALENTINE?
BED-WETTING?
ROGER, IF YOU
WERE FUNNY
YOU WOULDN'
HAVE TO LAUGH
AT YOUR OWN JOKES.
WELL, IS THAT SO?
WELL, I HAPPEN
TO THINK I'M VERY FUNNY.
I GUESS MY HUMOR IS TOO
FOSISTICATED FOR YOU NUMSKULLS.
WOW!
HE SHUT UP.
I THINK YOUR
COMIC'S GREAT.
BUT HOW DO THEY STOP
WACKY WEATHERMAN'S
KILLER EARTHQUAKE?
HEY, DOUG
I THINK YOU JUS
GAVE ME AN IDEA.
Wacky Weatherman:
AN EARTHQUAKE A
THE ICE CREAM FACTORY.
THE CITY WILL BE
ONE GIANT SHAKE.
THAT'LL CREAM THEM.
[ laughs]
REMEMBER,
NO GIGGLING.
WE HAVE TO
MAKE HIM REALIZE
THAT HE'S NOT FUNNY.
WACKY WEATHERMAN
YOUR CHILDISH ANTICS
AMUSE NO ONE.
BESIDES WHICH,
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
NOT FUNNY?
WAIT, HOW ABOUT THIS?
NOT FUNNY, HUH?
HOLD ON.
OH, THIS ONE GETS THEM
EVERY TIME.
HAILSTORM!
WHOA!
NOPE, NOT FUNNY.
YAWN.
WAIT, WATCH THIS.
Doug:
CAREFUL,
WACKY WEATHERMAN
THE HELIUM IS LEAKING
OUT OF YOUR BLIMP.
THE HELIUM IS LEAKING
OUT OF MY BLIMP?
NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
[ both laugh]
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU'RE LAUGHING.
THAT'S FUNNY!
I'M FUNNY!
I'M FUNNY!
FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!
OUR COMIC TURNED OUT GREAT.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WORK
WITH A FRIEND
YOU GET WRAPPED UP
IN YOUR IDEAS
AND FORGET ABOUT
THEIR GOOD IDEAS.
SO WACKY WEATHERMAN
WAS DEFEATED
THANKS TO
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS OF
QUAILMAN!
AND THE PRACTICALLY ENDLESS LIS
OF SUPERPOWERS OF
THE SILVER SKEETER!
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT!
[ barks]
HUH?
Both:
QUAILMAN, SUPER SKEETER
AND QUAILDOG!
RIGHT.
[ crickets chirping]
[ tango music playing]
[ humming to music]
Announcer:
Next-- Super Sticky
Slop Goop Challenge.
And after that, the ultimate
in cool-- Skateboard Club.
Are you a dog, cat, fish or
other household pet with talent?
If so, you should scamper,
fly or hop down
to the Four Leaf Clover Mall
for the Bluffington Pet Capades.
You may be named
the "Best Pet in Town."
[ barks]
[ applause and barking]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ alarm sounds]
[ yawns]
[ growls]
HEY, PORKCHOP.
[ yelps]
[ lawn mower motor buzzing]
HEY, PORKCHOP, IS DOUG AROUND?
[ barks]
HUH?
HEY YA, SKEET.
HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH PORKCHOP?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S BEEN ACTING STRANGE.
OH, SPEAKING OF STRANGE,
CHECK THIS OUT.
Sign up for
the Bluffington Pet Capades
where you may be named
the "Best Pet in Town."
The ultimate in cool,
Gyro Johnson
today at the
Four Leaf Clover Mall Yeah!
HUH?
HUH?
[ laughing hysterically]
OH, BOY, PORKCHOP.
PET CAPADES?
IMAGINE PORKCHOP IN ONE
OF THOSE PRISSY POODLE PARADES.
YIP, YIP, YIP.
YEAH, ALL POOFED UP
WITH A BOW IN HIS HAIR?
OH, YEAH.
GOOD ONE, PORKCHOP.
I COULD JUST SEE IT.
LET'S GO TO THE MALL
AND CATCH THE ACTION.
[ frantic barking]
YEAH, THEY'VE GO
DOG BONES' NEW ALBUM.
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
LOOK, THEY'RE GIVING
AWAY FOOD OR SOMETHING.
[ growling]
[ baaing]
[ mooing]
COOL!
Roger:
WELL, WELL,
WELL, STINK
WE GOT HERE
JUST IN TIME
TO CHECK OU
THE CHUMP-ETITION.
[ snickers:]
GET IT?
ROGER, PORKCHOP AND I
WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD
AT THAT DUMB
OLD PET CAPADES.
THAT'S SMART, FUNNIE.
WHY GO THROUGH
THE HUMILIATION
OF SEEING YOUR
CHICKEN DOG LAY AN EGG?
[ blows raspberries]
OH, YEAH?
PORKCHOP HAS MORE TALEN
IN HIS FLEA COLLAR
THAN STINKY HAS
IN HER WHOLE BODY.
OH, YEAH?
MY CAT WOULD WIPE
THE FLOOR WITH YOUR DOG.
OH, YEAH?
PORKCHOP WOULD
WOULD BEAT STINKY.
OH, YEAH?
WE'LL JUST SEE ABOU
THAT, FUNNIE FACE.
YEAH, I GUESS
WE WILL, ROGER FACE.
[ snickering]
OH, BROTHER!
[ yelping in delight]
HOW ABOUT IT, PAL?
WILL YOU DO THIS
PET CAPADES FOR ME?
WE NEED
SOMETHING
FOR THE
TALENT PAR
OF THE SHOW.
DOES PORKCHOP
KNOW ANY TRICKS?
IT'S BEEN DONE.
Doug:
WE NEED SOMETHING SPECTACULAR
SOMETHING NEW,
SOMETHING WOW!
ROGER AND STINKY WILL
COME UP WITH SOMETHING AMAZING.
[ flamenco guitar music
playing]
[ castanets clicking]
[ generous applause]
[ Porkchop barks]
WHO'S THERE?
[ barking]
WHO?
[ barks]
OH, GOOD ONE, PORKCHOP.
MMM
UH-UH.
WE NEED SOMETHING DRAMATIC.
DID SOMEONE
SAY "DRAMATIC"?
YEAH, JUDY.
WE WANT TO REALLY KNOCK 'EM OU
AT THE PET SHOW.
MUSIC.
MUSIC, YES.
MU--
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU NEED
HIGH-ENERGY ACTION.
SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE
THEM TAP THEIR HAIRY FEE
DROP THEIR JAWS AND
WAG THEIR LITTLE TAILS.
LIKE A SONG.
NOT JUST A SONG.
YOU NEED A
KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME
SHOW-STOPPING
MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA.
YEAH, A SONG.
BIG, LOTS OF ACTION,
WITH LIGHTS.
WITH PORKCHOP'S TALEN
AND MY DIRECTION
THEY'LL REMEMBER THIS
FOR PET CAPADES TO COME.
GO GET 'EM,
LITTLE BROTHER.
HAVING SEEN THIS STUFF
A MILLION TIMES ON TV
I DECIDED TO HAVE TRYOUTS
FOR THE SINGERS AND DANCERS.
OKAY, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
[ piano dance music]
NO, NO, NO.
[ yelping to music]
NO, NO, NO.
[ groans]
OKAY, PEOPLE, FROM THE TOP.
COME ON, DOUG,
IT'S 11:30.
11:30, SCHMELEVEN THIRTY.
WE'LL BE HERE ALL NIGH
IF WE HAVE TO.
[ both groan]
[ crickets chirping]
[ dance music continues]
OKAY, THAT'S A WRAP.
IF YOU GIVE ME THERE
WHAT YOU
GAVE ME HERE
WE'LL BLOW ROGER
OFF THAT STAGE.
WHAT ABOUT STINKY?
OH, YEAH, HER TOO.
OKAY, LET'S
GET SOME REST.
WE'VE GO
A BIG DAY
TOMORROW.
WHOA, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU!
[ yodeling to music]
[ tuneful honking]
WITH THESE
LAME ACTS
WE'VE GOT THIS
WRAPPED UP.
ONE MORE ACT TO WORRY
ABOUT, AND THAT'S
Announcer:
LET'S HEAR IT FOR ROGER KLOTZ
AND HIS CAT STINKY.
[ explosive guitar chord]
[ playing heavy metal]
[ burps]
[ audience booing]
THE CROWD
ISN'T BUYING IT.
WE JUST HAVE TO DO OUR ACT,
AND I'VE GOT THIS THING WON.
NO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
[ whines]
NOT DO IT?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I'VE WORKED HARD,
AND I'VE GOT TO WIN.
[ fitful yelping]
HE'S RIGHT,
DOUG.
YOU'VE BEEN THINKING
OF YOURSELF.
IT'S
PORKCHOP'S
SHOW
BUT YOU ONLY CARE
ABOU
BEATING ROGER.
BUT I'VE BEEN
WORKING MY BUTT OFF
AND FOR WHO?
FOR MYSELF.
BUT
YOU'RE RIGHT,
PORKCHOP.
THIS WAS YOUR SHOW,
AND I TOOK IT AWAY.
I'M SORRY, PAL.
IF THERE'S ANY WAY
I CAN MAKE IT UP
UM EXCUSE ME.
DOES PORKCHOP
HAVE SOMETHING
HE WOULD
LIKE TO DO?
YEAH, WHY DIDN'
I THINK OF THAT?
HOW ABOUT IT,
PORKCHOP?
Skeeter:
ALL RIGHT! COOL, MAN!
[ whispering]
Announcer:
AND NOW, PORKCHOP
AND THE DOGETTES!
I'M A DOG, YOU'RE A DOG,
EVERYBODY DO THE DOG ♪
BETCHA GONNA DO THE DOG
ALL DAY LONG ♪
DOBERMAN PINSCHER,
BEAGLE, PEKINGESE ♪
CORGI, COLLIE, BULLDOG,
GREAT PYRENEES ♪
PORKCHOP WENT OUT THERE A DOG
AND CAME BACK A
WELL, HE WAS STILL A DOG,
BUT HAPPIER.
AS FOR ME?
WAY TO GO, PORKCHOP!
I REALIZED IF YOU'RE GOING
TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEBODY
DO IT FORTHEM,
NOT FOR YOURSELF.
[ growling]
ONE THING, THOUGH--
I BET PORKCHOP'S GLAD
I MADE HIM DO THIS.
EVERYBODY DO THE DOG!
I'M A DOG, YOU'RE A DOG,
EVERYBODY DO THE DOG ♪
BETCHA GONNA DO THE DOG
ALL DAY LONG ♪
DOBERMAN PINSCHER,
BEAGLE, PEKINGESE ♪
CORGI, COLLIE, BULLDOG,
GREAT PYRENEES ♪
CHASE A CAR, THERE YOU ARE
SLEEPIN' ROUND THE CLOCK ♪
WAITING FOR THE CABLE MAN
TO CHASE AROUND THE BLOCK. ♪
[ dogs barking to music]
MINIATURE SCHNAUZER,
SHEEPDOG, SPITZ ♪
LHASA APSO, POODLE,
CHIHUAHUA, MASTIFF ♪
LABRADOR RETRIEVER,
WHIPPET, HARRIER ♪
SHIH TZU, CHOW CHOW,
FOX TERRIER. ♪
[ dogs barking to music]